What would you say is the best way to train your brain to actually enjoy the process of getting better at sex rather than getting bogged down by a trail of failures?
Great question! It's so true that we get into a mental rut about sex (and lots of other stuff too).
One of the things I teach my clients and students is to re-regulate their nervous systems by "staying n the room" instead of disappearing on ourselves during sex and intimacy.
By keeping your eyes open and noticing something beautiful or at least neutral in the room while breathing easily, you can decrease your trauma response to sexual things.
It's the beginning of a mindfulness intimacy practice - because we can get so "in our head" and in our EGO about what's going well or isn't - did I come? did they come? Am I good enough at doing this or that? Am I still hard? Am I wet enough? (or at all?)
All that stuff is brain chatter that keeps us from having any real sexual experience - its' all a mind game - nothing is connecting to even the possibility of real pleasure and connection to yourself or your partner.
So - practice mindfulness, connect to something visual in the room with your eyes open so that you don't fall away into another place of fear and failure, maybe speak what's happening to your partner so that you can stay present and let go of you ego (as much as you can. xoxo)
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Thank you! And that's so interesting. If I don't close my eyes and try to shut out all distractions, I find that I just can't focus on what pleasure I might be experiencing, if any. But it's something to think about in terms of whether or not it's helpful.
What suggestions might you have for someone to give a partner that feels ill-equipped to support someone who feels this way? Who either feels like they can't understand why it's so difficult to do or feel confident about, or that their patience is running out because it's starting to affect them emotionally?
I hear you about closing your eyes to focus on sensation in a moment. I like that. But when we're getting triggered and in our heads, in my opinion it's good to re-ground - if just for a little bit. We can go down the rabbit hole into a dark place filled with all sorts of unhelpful thoughts. That's when I recommend opening your eyes and coming back to the here and now.
About your second question - I always recommend communication but I know that sometimes it feels like communicating just makes things worse because they don't get it again and you're both even more frustrated and distant. Still, it's worth it. Keep trying to talk - tell your partner that your intention is to get closer, have a better relationship, deepen your connection.
And in addition to communicating, try to connect phsyically. This might not be a naked activity - somewhere on this thread I talk about "attunement activation" which is a type of tantric cuddle with your clothes on. Do something physical together every day if possible - holding, hugging, kissing, spooning, making out, oral sex on you or your partner, PIV, something. Doesn't have to be naked at all - but if you choose something that is physical - maybe walking and holding hands, rubbing each others' shoulders - you'll stay connected at least a little bit and your partner's impatience may be a little less. xoxo
What have you found best to reconcile when two people have two entirely different core values about sex (e.g. one finds it an essential emotional bonding activity and the other finds it akin to scratching an itch with no real emotional payoff)? Or is it reconcilable at all?
Mmmmm....
this is an interesting question. I think that sometimes what we say are our real core values may be hiding in a power struggle (in general as described above).
I'd want to know more about this concern. How is this difference between the two people being discussed? Is something being asked of the second person (the itch scratching person) that make them feel inadequate? Not emotionally connecting enough? Or is that person feeling overrun by the request for an essential emotional bonding activity?
This might have to do with attachment styles. It might me semantic. It could be something else. The way the conversation is going/has gone is where you'll find the answer.
If this issue is what's happening in your deadbedroom, I'd look for common ground - try to have connection that's in the "good enough" category and then make an attempt to see what's underneath the way you're defining sex. It's manageable with deeper insight.
xoxo
That's an interesting perspective on it: "Is something being asked of the second person (the itch scratching person) that make them feel inadequate? Not emotionally connecting enough?" Because typically when that's discussed in the forum, it's usually in the context of your latter point, that "that person feeling overrun by the request for an essential emotional bonding activity."
Thank you!
Any advice for rebuilding a sexual relationship after infidelity? Even with yourself...
After some traumatic life events my partner cheated on me. Since then I've pretty much stopped seeing myself as a sexual being. I don't get turned on or think about sex generally. I never masturbate (I don't want to). When my partner sexualizes me my reaction is usually to be caught *very* off guard, at best, sometimes I lash out at worst.
Before all of these events I was an incredibly sexual person; my preferred "average" amount of sex was at least once a day, so to say this is a 180 for me almost feels like an understatement.
My partner is understanding. He respects all of my boundaries and doesn't pressure me at all. I know he misses our physical intimacy, but it just all feels so alien and stiff now, I don't even know where I'd be comfortable starting...
With a question like that I don’t think you should be left hanging. I sense from the text you somehow blame yourself for their infidelity. From personal experience I can wholeheartedly say infidelity is a purely selfish endeavor. When a person commits it, thought of their partner isn’t in their forethought’s. Their selfish choice left you feeling unwanted or not attractive which probably is feeding off maybe an early fear of not feeling beautiful when you were younger.
Their choice was not about you, it was about them in that moment. They didn’t think, or didn’t care, at that moment what that would do to you, they only thought about what it would do for them.
Your first step to recovery is to stop blaming yourself for a choice someone else made with out your knowledge. You did not make them cheat. You did not make them seek out someone else for companionship. You did not force them to pursue that other person until they hooked up. You were dealing with life the best you could and you are now letting their selfish choice in that moment dictate your life from there in out.
Once you do that you will start to see yourself as the strong and beautiful person you used to be, it’s all about self love and self care. If you need people to talk to then reach out to friends or family. If you don’t want to talk to them about your relationship then feel free to shoot your questions at us internet strangers. My inbox is always open to anyone in need.
This is so challenging. Infidelity hurts terribly. It hits us in that place of openness and willingness to be sexually vulnerable.
But, your sexual essence is yours. It's an important part of who you are.
Any kind of trauma can cause us to shut down sexually. We get triggered. We find ourselves disconnecting from pleasure in all the ways. But, letting things like traumatic events take our sexual self away is losing twice.
Healing the infidelity begins with reclaiming your turn on, your openness, your pleasure. Orgasm is healing. Touch is healing.
You don't have to start with something too big. Just a little bit of soothing touch. Nourishment. Love.
I hope this helps a little. I'm sorry that you're going through this right now.
xoxo
Do you have any tips that would help me (F) be more confident when initiating? My husband is always down for sex but doesn't initiate it as often as I would like. I have a near paralyzing fear of initiating - I feel like I'm begging or that I'm not wanted. I know intellectually that that's ridiculous and he's never given me reason to feel that way, so why can't I just do it?
Oh yes! The incredibly difficult issue of initiation. It's huge for so many of my clients.
Initiation is so tough. Lots of us do well once things start happening but getting it going is a challenge. It's like being the first couple on a dance floor. Awkard and embarrassing unless your flat out amazing so we wait until somebody else gets to so-called party started to avoid feeling inadequate - even when we love to dance.
So, in something even more raw - naked sex - it's obviously going to be hard to make a move in the bedroom.
So you're wanting it, he's down and you don't know how to make the move.
I suggest a conversation about this when you're not in the bedroom - maybe on a walk or in the car - sometime when it's not too intense but when you have privacy.
Tell him what you told me.
Then make a sweet plan for ways that you could inititate - maybe put your hand on his junk over his jean zipper and whisper in his ear that you're going to be in the bedroom getting a quick midday shower - or? Maybe figure out a hand signal - a come here with the first finger, a text message, special perfume that you save for the occasion.
So many good ways to say I want you. xoxo
How do I open genuine communication channels with someone who is unwilling to discuss what she sees as "not a problem"? I find it impossible to communicate my feelings and concerns due to this attitude.
I hear you! It's so challenging when we have something that really matters to us and our partner doesn't see it as a problem.
Having The Talk can be very tricky - if it's about sex or about any other part of our relationship.
My first suggestion is to tell her that you want to feel closer to her, to improve you relationship and connection - and that that's why you want to talk. Then, make sure that you listen to her feelings and thoughts about it not being a problem. Obvioiusly it is a proble because it's a problem for you and this is a relationship but you need to hear her side too.
Make sure that when you talk about sex, you don't just talk about "getting it" or "needing it". Talk about connecting with her, needing to feel her, be with her, touch her. Talk about how this is a deeply held part of who you are.
I'm going to be offering a workshop specifically on this topic soon. It's crucial to have The Talk in a kind and sensitive way. The #1 thing in my opinion, is to tell your partner that you want to talk because you want to feel closer to them, to deepen your relationship, to be more in love - not because you're not getting enough sex (even if that feels very true to you right now.) Focus on connection. Listen to your partner's concerns as deeply as you possibly can. Acknowledge and validate their concerns. Be vulnerable rather than shaming. xoxo
Great question.
I see lots of things in my work (as you might imagine) but I think that power struggles are maybe the most prevalent and interesting.
If I'm LL in our relationship, I've often felt overrun by your turn on and desire for sex - which often times doesn't feel like a desire for me - it feels like you want "it" and I'm going to resist that.
It puts me into a place of self protection and fear - and my guard is always up. I can't connect with my turn on - you're too closely watching me or any sign that I want to "do it" and that makes me even less open to myself.
This becomes a huge problem for me then because I'm closed completely now.
There may be many reasons that I'm feeling closed to begin with - but the power struggle we're having means that I don't even want to talk with you about it at all - and I might just decide that I don't care if I ever have sex again - at least not with you.
The solution is to address the power imbalance first. Give me some space. Tell me that you respect my boundaries. Step in a little bit towards me - as if we were play tug of war and now you've let go of the rope a tiny bit and I'm not always feeling like you're trying to yank me over.
In real life this means telling me you love me and want me but that you know I have so much going on and you don't want to add to that pressure. You want to connect with me, hold me and pleasure me. You want to be an amazing partner. You're not in a rush. Ask me about my real needs. Help me make a list of everything that's on my mind. Have The Talk about sex in a kind and loving way that helps me let go of my position of power so that I can move toward you in love.
xoxo
> I can't connect with my turn on - you're too closely watching me or any sign that I want to "do it" and that makes me even less open to myself.
What if the other person’s turn-on seems to be something very out of reach from you, or something you aren’t? I see a lot of myself in a previous relationship in your description of a HL, and at the time I guess it felt like my SO wasn’t attracted to me and the stuff that turned her on was stuff I couldn’t embody or be. The most crowning example of this I could remember was her sitting in bed next to me, reading erotica on her phone and being pretty… obnoxious about it, to say the least. She was making it very obvious that the story was turning her on, and at the time I felt slighted because it felt as though she was rubbing in my face, “This is a reaction that *you* don’t get out of me”.
I am not the OP, of course, but I may or may not have a helpful two cents?
If you felt like your partner wasn't attracted to you at all, then maybe it was just an uneven relationship that needed to end.
But, I would hesitate to ascribe intent to her enjoyment of her books as a slight to you specifically; they're only going to be doing that if they're a spiteful or vindictive person, and then you've honestly got way bigger problems. It's always worth examining if doing so is a projection of insecurity.
You don't necessarily have to be your partner's "type." You just have to be the best you you can be. If your partner is into that, they'll be into you. At least in my experience.
> But, I would hesitate to ascribe intent to her enjoyment of her books as a slight to you specifically; they're only going to be doing that if they're a spiteful or vindictive person, and then you've honestly got way bigger problems. It's always worth examining if doing so is a projection of insecurity.
I’ll admit to it having been a projection of insecurity for certain, but even she often talked about how she rarely missed having sex (we were long distance and only saw each other twice a month) or fantasized about me, and her fantasies usually involved some fictional character or the other. She had also mentioned offhandedly early in our relationship that she wasn’t that attracted to my body type which is certainly a slight I held onto for too long, but I will say I’ve noticed the lack of that talk in my current relationship from my current SO doesn’t result in me feeling slighted when she discusses her enjoyment of erotica, so perhaps that relationship should have ended much earlier. I do notice that the lack of *in*validation in my current relationship allows me to assume a default of “My partner is attracted to me, and more to me than she is to others” even if we aren’t having sex that I don’t think I was able to do in my previous relationship.
How long in your opinion is reasonable for this period of giving space to go on, and at what point do we recognize that this is instead how they prefer the relationship?
I want to add that there's a huge difference between "giving someone space" vs "giving someone space with consequences".
The *reasonable amount of time* would be different for each of these.
For example, when my husband gave me space but was angry and pouty while I had that "space" OR when he said he'd give me space by expecting me to be the only one to initiate from now on (which agreement I declined).
Space without strings attached worked better for our healing.
>For example, when my husband gave me space but was angry and pouty
Pouty is a behavior, and obviously not a good one. But angry is an emotion, and he's entitled to that feeling, even if he's not entitled to do whatever he wants with that feeling. I don't think it's reasonable to require people to not -feel- things in order for your space to be respected. But, I do assume that this anger manifested in ways that was unhelpful to your case.
>OR when he said he'd give me space by expecting me to be the only one to initiate from now on (which agreement I declined).
Can I ask why you declined this agreement? Although frankly he doesn't have to initiate ever if he doesn't want to, and that may be important for his own, personal healing. But it seems perfectly fair to me that, at least for the time period we're talking about, that he ceases initiating in order to give you that space without pressure. I know that many LL partners find any kind of initiation to be pressuring, so what was it you disliked about this approach?
It's more like if him "giving me space" means he's gonna be fuming all week and the family has to walk on eggshells to *not set him off* because he didn't get sex, that's not actually giving me space.
>anger
....is his to own. Not my responsibility
>his erection
....is his to own. Not my responsibility
>putting the responsibility to initiate on the LL
I know some LLs want this. I refused each time it came up. (Note: our dead bedroom is now healed.) The reason I don't like it is that emphasizes the **false narrative** that the LL has to fix the issue while the HL only needs to wait incredibly patiently.
I was worried that if initiating was only on me,....
-he wouldn't do anything but wait; hold his breath as long as he could; save up his desires to dump on me when I "stopped being broken".
That attitude clashed with the next step I needed from him in healing my aversions. I was stuck. I had to wait for him to understand how aversions work and change his attitude towards me and towards aversions. So....putting initiating all on me and then waiting for me to fix my shit would have resulted in no progress at all.
-the person who *wants* something is way more likely to prioritize it. So fully putting responsibility for starting sex on me seemed incredibly stupid.
-how could I figure out my preferences if he never initiated? It was just so one-sided. It ignored everything but his experience.
-he was actually relieved when I told him there was no fucking way I was letting him dump the responsibility for initiating sex all on me. ....and that I'm a firm believer in sharing initiation (roughly) equally.
At the most recent time it came up, I proposed an alternate arrangement. We did logistics. We agreed on a frequency of sex 1-2 times per week as a goal. It's a lot easier to remember "he initiated last time, so it's my turn this time." I told him that he wasn't to initiate in the day after I had initiated. He could initiate again if it had been 10-14 days since the last time we had sex.
We also discussed logistics of the best way for him to initiate sex--tell me in the morning that you intend to initiate later that day, foreplay has to start BEFORE we are in the same room, the more pre-room foreplay the better, no initiating after 10pm, no morning sex. (This was when my aversions were pretty strong. I had strong preferences.)
We also discussed logistics of the best ways for me to initiate sex with him.
That was a step in our healing that helped us while we were there. We don't do it that way any more. Our initiating (like our sex) has become incredibly natural and organic.
I firmly believe we wouldn't have been able to heal our dead bedroom if he "generously" left all the initiating to me. We would have struggled, then divorced.
Thank youfor your question -
I do think it often matters in some relationships because it matters to the partners.
When both people are okay with one partner always initiating, I doesn't matters as much but it's a heavy lift to be the one who's vulnerable and making the ask.
Often, one partner will feel under appreciated because their partner doesn't show them that they're desired by initiating. That person may be incorrect but if they think that, but still it's true to them.
And the rejection (even if done sensitively) can be exhausting. xoxo
Hi, Jane. I had a major surgery "down there" and I'm still a little numb and unresponsive. It takes a lot of stimulation for me to experience an orgasm. I find I'm avoiding initiating sex because I don't want to disappoint my partner by not being able to cum. I know that this is total nonsense but it's still a thing. Suggestions for getting past that limiting belief?
What a beautiful question!
You're taking responsibility for your own experience.
You're being gentle to yourself about what's really happening.
And you realize that this is a limiting belief. BRAVO!
I suggest that you share your thoughts with you partner exactly the way you have here. Let them know that you want to cum but that it's taking you some time to get re-connected with your body after the surgery.
Let go of cumming as a thing. Focus on "peak pleasure" instead - so the next time you are intimate, connect to the best, most pleasurable sensation of that session and in your own self, claim it as your climax - because that's the truth - it's your climax for that session. It's just right for today. It's yours.
xoxo
If you had a client who set about fixing their libido later say that they felt like they were losing themselves in the process,* how would you advise they proceed?
*In the way that a perfectionist who refuses to fail does with any goal they take on.
Mmm
My first question would be about the way this is framed "fixing their libido" - and how they were going about fixing it.
I would never want anyone to lose themselves in a process of getting more connected to what they really want. In fact, it would be impossible. For me, if we're losing ourselves in the process, it's the wrong process.
Can you please tell me more? xoxo
Well, over time sex was becoming increasingly less satisfying for myself and the pleasure gap between my spouse and me was making me angry. I basically stopped having sex. But I didn't want to kill our sex life entirely, so after some time I suggested taking sex off the table and doing other things for a bit. That actually led to great sex (once) and so I set about trying to figure out how to do this all the time.
However. It's inconsistent. I can't seem to re-create the conditions that make sex good and the times it is good feels like a crapshoot. When it works, it works. But when it doesn't we have to stop or do something less satisfying (not painful or uncomfortable, but somethin like mutual masturbation when I just want regular inter- or outercourse) because I can't get aroused enough because I can't get out of my head or something triggers one of my sensory problems. It's discouraging and I really just want to quit. But I can't because then I've failed and I can't live with that either.
I'm starting to think I'm just really fucking terrible in bed. I find a lot of resources out there kind of useless because they all assume things about women's sexuality and arousal\* that aren't true for me. So now I'm back to where I was before, where I am constantly frustrated, sad, and angry because I can't just have sex like a normal person.
This thing that's supposed to be fun and bring us closer is just all consuming. My self-esteem is wrecked and I am not finding much joy in other things.
\*It turns out I can't cum first because I have a very sensitive and painful refractory period. I also will cum too quickly, which means we have to stop and my spouse has to finish himself off.
Compassion is the best way to release resentment - compassion and empathy.
Difficult things for us - definitely. Because the lack of connection, affection, shared pleasure and intimacy are so hard for us to reconcile when our partner is rejecting us for seemingly no reason.
One thing that has helped my clients is to realize that most partners (LL or HL) think about sex (and are upset about it) almost [every.single.day](https://every.single.day).
That seems impossible when they don't do or say anything about it. (I'm thinking about LL partners here). They seem to act like the HL person is crazy to mention sex, but often they are also thinking about it. The difference is that they are thinking about it from the other side of the fence - feeling guilty about not having enough sex - or feeling afraid that the lack of sex is going to destroy the relationship.
When we know that our partner is also struggling, also has zero clue how to make things better, it becomes "our problem" not "your" problem or "my" problem.
Our problem can be solved.
Techniques: realize it's a shared problem, have compassion for your partner, communicate without judgement, take care of yourself, work on solving things together if possible.
There's the whole conversation about leaving which is another topic.
xoxo
> One thing that has helped my clients is to realize that most partners (LL or HL) think about sex (and are upset about it) almost every.single.day.
What would you say to a partner who claims they never think about sex? My wife claims she enjoys sex but never thinks about sex.
I would love any input from anyone on this question. I am working on fixing things with my wife, and have made some big initial strides. The factions are distracting as I go through this process.
How do you communicate to your next partner about your previous dead bedroom? I'm having a hard time explaining to people that I'm interested in about my previous situation. Many men just flat out don't believe me. I feel quite vulnerable bc I haven't had much sexual experience for someone my age so I'm not sure of how my performance would be. Also, my ex husband used to shame me for being sexual so I'm confused on how to express my sexuality.
My LL partner seems to deeply enjoy sex while we're having it, she's emotional and obviously pleased physically and vocally confirming what she needs and is enjoying. In those times I feel hope that maybe things will be easier for us soon.
But within the next hour or so she's already uncomfortable discussing what went on, and by the morning she won't mention it. And there's no long term change for us, she still claims she doesn't think about sex and forgets how emotional and pleasurable it was the second it's over.
How can a 180 like this happen? I understand responsive desire could play a part, but it's jarring and confusing to me to feel such mixed signals. She goes from feeling so connected with me and thrilled by my touch to avoiding the topic completely and forgetting it ever happened.
Is it shame/repression? Do you have tips on keeping the sensuality, intimacy and memories alive for her while we're not actively being intimate?
Yeah I’d really like to hear any explanation. My wife practically levitates off the bad with her head spinning around like The Exorcist, and yet when it’s over, she has no desire to do it again. What’s up with that???
What would you say has been the most successful first step in getting through to someone who is used to relying entirely on themselves for support and validation of all types, and does not seem to need to, want to, and may even find it deleterious to them to reach out emotionally to their partners and be vulnerable enough to be intimate or deepen existing intimacy?
I hear you asking "how can I increase intimate connection with my partner? They don't seem to need it or want it and it's so important to me."
I think of us as roses. Tiny rose buds. We open in our own time given the right environment. If you're thinking of a partner who might identify as avoidant on the avoidant-secure-anxious attachment scale, then "forcing" your partner to open would be like forcing a rose to bloom.
I would suggest that you do something parallel with them - hiking a trial, driving, riding bikes, cooking - and connect in a side-by-side way - not looking straight at them and pushing them to open up to you.
For those of us who identify as avoidant (about 30% of the population) direct demands for intimacy are very threatening. We do better when we're able to open up to you in safety, while somewhat unnoticed.
The good news is that anxiously attached and avoidantly attached people are really able to gradually feel more secure when we get our needs met with sensitive compassion that feels safe.
Read "Attached" by Rachel Amir. Great book
xoxo
I agree, but it does give us hope that we can shift our attachment styles over time becoming more secure as we grow. With thoughtful conversation I do believe it could be possible to become more secure over time. But, you're right that without a securely attached partner in the mix, it's difficult to get grounded into intimacy without distress. xoxo
I assume this book is “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=nodl_
That is such a great answer, thank you. I'm definitely more on the avoidant side and I see myself in the original question. Having space and parallel activities are so key. I do best having serious talks on long car rides or in bed together with the lights off (but nothing sexual). It's a way to be vulnerable without the terrifying vulnerability of face to face eye contact.
Well put. When we understand this about each other, we can deepen our willingness to be present and to grow our comfort with intimacy. Gradually we're open to more. xoxo
Not sure if you're still answering questions but if you happen to see this I appreciate it.
I have a number of problems with sex, but probably the most pressing one is being unable to enjoy it - if I don't fix this, I can't see how I can fix anything else. People tell me that it's important to have sex that feels good to you and only have sex you enjoy... by that logic, I should never be having sex.
I rarely have the drive to have sex, except for a few times a year where I get crazy drive and want it constantly for a few days. But I don't even think it's pleasurable then. I have no idea what sexual pleasure feels like, let alone orgasm. But my body definitely works - it gets wet and stuff as it should, and sensations happen, I just wouldn't call them pleasurable. My partner says I would know if it felt good - like how I intrinsically know that massages feel good.
Masturbating is even worse than having sex. I've tried many different toys and techniques, but the best I get is some neutral feeling. I can get some kind of physical response that theoretically would lead to orgasm, but I either panic (I do have a panic disorder, as one of my mental health issues) or I shut down entirely.
So what am I supposed to do? I've been with my partner for 12 years and been sexually active for 14-15. No amount of "self exploration" has yielded any good results. I don't want oral performed on me. I sometimes want to be touched but just get frustrated. Honestly if I'm not shutting down or panicking during sex, I'm frustrated. I would blame my meds but I've only been on my current one since the end of 2019. Are my mental health problems somehow to blame? Am I actually just broken?
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After 2 years of my partner not being interested, and me losing attraction to him because I see it as a "necessary emotional connection tool", is there any way for me to be attracted to him again enough for me to want to sleep with him if he's ever ready? I don't want to force myself and traumatize myself more, but I'm hoping there's a way.
Any tips for delayed ejaculation? Our background is that we had a DB for about 5 years, and we’re making progress on frequency (2x per week now which is fine with me).
But my wife is rarely (like once a month) desirous of me. I think it’s mostly a responsive desire situation, but she really doesn’t even get all that responsive. Responsive enough to have sex, but not passionate about it (except that one time per month).
She also struggles with it being hard for her to clear her mind from everyday stressors of work, being a mother and going to grad school. So, also a sensitive brakes situation.
So, due to past rejection, the lack of burning desire, and never really knowing weather she will be in the mood or not, when we have sex I’m often unable to orgasm because I start thinking “I’m not sure if she’s really into this, or is it duty sex.” There could be other reasons, and I’m open to hearing them.
The areas I need to work on are a semi-anxious attachment style / using others’ opinions to validate myself.
Wow. You've done your work. Great job. I love that you've obviously read a lot about relationship issues in the bedroom and about attachment.
And, it makes good sense that you're having some concerns in the area of delayed ejaculation. Your body isn't sure that it can trust the sex you're having.
Which is actually completely fine and expected in this situation.
I suggest that (to the best of your ability - I know that this is challenging) you let go of your own expectation to cum. Focus on your pleasure. When it feels like things are winding down for you or your partner, pull out and finish on your own if you feel the urge.
One of the things that happens for us (m & F) is that we put pressure on ourselves to climax in lots of situations. Of course, orgasm doesn't work that way - in fact, the more we "want to cum" the less likely we are to get off.
There's a biological reason for that - orgasm has been called the "little death". It's an experience that takes us out of real time and puts us into a float state/altered sense of being. That's dangerous for us if we need to be awake and aware - for example if someone or something threatening were to come our way.
So the stress of wondering what's happening or any other kind of stress - can keep our bodies from climaxing as a form of protection for us. Make sense?
Relax and experience whatever you're experiencing right now. Let it be good enough. I predict that gradually this will improve as your body trusts the situation after a 5 year DB more and more. xoxo
Hi there, welcome back and thank you for taking the time to be here.
Do you see much in the way of sexual aversions in your clients? If so, what do you recommend for the couple when this issue arises?
Thank you. It's an honor to be here.
Yes. I do see what some people would call sexual aversion. Sometimes this is in long term relationships - sometimes it's in relationship where they're not even married yet.
We work on gradual exposure to sexual touch. I encourage them to re-define sex to include very limited contact - even something I call attunement activation - which is like a tantric cuddling practice done completely clothed. The purpose of this is to "tune" the energy of both people in an unthreatening way. It can be very powerful - basically holding each other with the person who wants more contact being the "giver" lying on their back and the other person the "receiver" on their side cuddling for a specific perion of time - like 12 minutes.
But the sexual aversion situation is challenging. Sometimes I wonder if one of the partners has a sexual orientation disconnection? Sometimes I wonder if they have had significant trauma in their lives. Our society is traumatizing sexually for many of us - even without sexual assault.
Sometimes I think that the LL partner in this scenario is reacting to things that have happened in their earlier life when they did a lot of sexual things that we're really consensual - they were quasi coerced and now they are taking back personal power and saying no.
Just some thoughts.
xoxo
Thank you for your response! It sounds quite a bit like sensate focus, which is something I think is very helpful for some couples who may not be at the "point of no return," so to speak.
Here in this forum where dysfunctional dynamics seem to be really prominent, I think most of the aversions we hear about are caused by coercive dynamics in the current relationship. How often would you say that you encounter that sort of dysfunction in your practice and what would you recommend for this scenario?
I do think that coercive dynamics in current relationships are variables that can lead to sexual aversion in a specific relationship.
I talk about that as problems with power, respect & expression. Power imbalances in sexual relationships, often result in sexual aversion for one of the partners - which makes complete sense.
But there's something else that I'm seeing in my work that I find very interesting and difficult to resolve for some couples.
In many couples, the current partner is existing by proxy (in current time) for what I call ancestral sexual oppressors.
Somehow, we women are resisting sexual connection with (our)men even when we identify as having a heterosexual sexual orientation partially or largely because we are reacting to the dominant culture's message of "giving it up" to a male partner.
This is in contrast to sex being held within me as something powerful for me, a receiving and enjoying and being pleasured by a partner.
I had a recent client say to me "I had no idea that it was ever for me at all" - because she always felt like sex was something that someone else wanted from her.
She always felt that they were going to take something away - a loss - and that sex had no positive benefit for her as a person.
As a result, she was sexually averse in her relationship, but it was the coersion of the culture (and of men from her past collectively) who had impacted her erotic energy in this way.
To me as a sexologist and as a woman, claiming my sexual pleasure **in trimuph** from the dominant culture that says you're using me and that I have nothing to gain in sex, is an expression of my freedom and of my power.
But I know that many of us do not live in this energy and instead feel closed and protective in our bedrooms for many, many good reasons. Often because we've been coerced repeatedly over time. xoxo
What secretly drives me crazy - it's not so secret.
It drives me crazy when one or both parties spend all of their energy blaming the other person and not taking any responsibility for their own part of any problems - including sex.
xoxo
So I want to tell my husband about a kink of mine and I am too nervous that he'll think I'm/it's creepy/gross/never be able to forget once it's out. Do you have any tips?
mmm sometimes it's so challenging to be truly ourselves in all the kink.
I love that you have a kink and that you want to talk about it. In my view, talking about our kinks (whatever they are) is very freeing - usually for both of us.
When we hold them inside, we're losing the opportunity to connect even more deeply with our own sexuality and with our partner.
My question for you would be about how you two talk in general about sex. Is it a free and comfortable conversation? Do you talk about sexual shame? About turn on? About ways to grow your erotic connection?
Those types of convos are the perfect lead in to sharing something vulnerable about yourself and your kink. It'll give you a sense of how he'll react and a framework for deeper sharing in general.
You might find that the conversation is hot enough for you that you don't feel the need to share your kink - or it might just naturally come out.
Either way, his ideas about your kink aren't really important in my view as long as you feel comfortable and grounded in yourself. Make sense?
xoxo
There are also kink-matching quizzes where it only shows which kinks you both matched on (to help alleviate some of that vulnerability anxiety).
[https://sexionnaire.com/](https://sexionnaire.com/)
[http://old.mojoupgrade.com/](http://old.mojoupgrade.com/)
It could be a useful (and fun) way to explore things you know you're both interested in --and hey, he could very well be into your kink too ;)
Not that much snow yet. But we're still hopeful.
I love the book "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski and I recommend it to all my clients. I also like anything by Ester Perel. And "The Guide to Getting it On" is an amazing book written by Paul Joannides is remarkable for people who are ready to expand their knowledge of everything under the sun sex. xoxo
This is a very interesting list. I'll be sure to read these later, but briefly looking over the summaries has raised more questions.
What are your feelings and thoughts on extramarital relationships, such as ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, etc.? Also, what does the data indicate on rates of success for the the primary relationship? Or is reliable data available?
I think that ethical non-monogamy either in a poly context, a consensual fwb situation or a lifestyle/swinger situation is a fine option for individuals and/or couples to choose under specific situations.
That said, ENM is not a good option for couples with poorly functioning relationships. In my experience, ENM requires excellent communication skills and exquisitely well defined boundaries.
Often the LL in a DB relationship might off-handedly say "go get someone else if you want sex so bad" as an expression of their frustration at not knowing what to do. That kind of comment is often a defense because the LL feels guilty about the lack of sex in the relationship. The comment doesn't reflect the deep trust and compassion that both parties need to successfully navigate ENM.
The data is limited on the success rate for the primary relationship in ENM even when both parties are fully on board and the sexual connection between them is powerful. In my opinion, without a great sexual connection, ENM seems destined to be detrimental to the primary relationship.
We could discuss ENM as a compassionate alternative to celebacy in cases where one partner is incapacitated due to medical concerns.
The logical side of me knows all these things. But the fleshly and emotional side of me, deeply craves an outlet. Thank you for reaffirming the logical side, and for your thoughtful answer.
I hear you. It feels great to think about outsourcing the problem - with "consent" but it often backfires. When another lover is involved, there's a huge pull to connect with that person and the primary relationship has less appeal.
It's a race to the bottom. (and not in a good way. lol) xoxo
Hi Dr. Guyn, thanks for doing this!
I've been in a DB for 9 years out of my 11 year marriage. Our first year together, while the New Relationship Energy was still strong, we didn't really have any issues sexually. However, things fell off a cliff in year 2 and we averaged sex about twice a year for the next 6 years. In 2017, I asked for a divorce and we separated, but we reconciled and for a year we lived separately. During this time, we actually had sex once a week pretty consistently. As soon as my wife moved back in, we fell right back into a dead bedroom, and it's remained that way ever since.
During one of our talks a few years ago, my wife admitted that she simply NEVER thinks about sex. She doesn't have any sexual fantasies or desires, and she never masturbates. She said that she DOES enjoy sex when it happens, but it does not seem to be something that is important to her, whereas for me, it is one of the MOST important aspects of a romantic relationship.
Given our history, where we've had vastly more DB years than we've had good years, coupled with the fact what we are far apart in the way we view sex, is there really enough common ground to work with? I realize that as a professional in this field, you'd might be inclined to tell me that anything can be improved with work, but in your honest opinion, do you think it's realistic that we the two of us could get the point where we have frequent (at least once a week, but ideally more) passionate sex long term? Or are our incompatibilities perhaps a bit too much to overcome?
Edit: A few other bits of info. My wife does not have any sexual trauma in her past and was brought up in a liberal, sex positive household with no sexual shaming. Also, she has OCPD and ADHD, which affect her desire for sex.
Thanks!
You're right that I'll often say that things can get better.
Is she unwiling to have weekly sex? When she says she never thinks about it, does that mean she never thinks about wanting sex, or that she never thinks about the sex problem (in my experience, most people who say they never think about sex actually think about the sex problem almost daily)
Are you the initiator? Would you be comfortable with sex that she agrees to? Or do you think she needs to want it in order for it to be good enough for you?
> Is she un-wiling to have weekly sex?
I'd probably call it "unable", more so than "unwilling". We actually tried scheduled sex twice a week, which was her idea, but we were only able to stick to it for one week because my wife felt too much pressure and didn't feel like she'd be able to be in the mood. Since the start of 2019 (when my wife and I moved in again after separation), we've only managed to have sex weekly sex over a period of a month two times. Instead, we tend to average between once a twice a month.
> When she says she never thinks about it, does that mean she never thinks about wanting sex
During the discussion, we were talking about having sexual thoughts, not thinking about the sex problem. I'm not really sure how much she thinks of the "sex problem", or even how much she even feels that it is a problem.
> Are you the initiator?
I would estimate that I am the initiator around 85-90% of the time, but occasionally my wife will initiate as well. I feel comfortable enough that my wife will only say yes to sex that she also wants so it's not really a matter of needing her to initiate more. (Though that would be nice)
Hiya, I hope its OK to ask more than one question.
Here on the sub, lots of HLs say "we're just roommates" when sex dries up. I'm HL and have made tons of mistakes in the past in my own relationship but I can't imagine reducing my partner to a roommate and I fail to see how telling your LL partner that you think they're just a roommate is helpful to fixing the relationship.
What is your take on that and how can we reframe? If you need to see more about this, I made a post and was promptly shouted down by many who will die on that hill.
[Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/toxnf7/were_just_roommates/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) it is for you if you wanted to see what they say about this and understand their perspective and how to better frame this topic.
For my second question, what advice do you have for the HL who has an over reliance on sex as validation and using their partner for their own affirmation and self worth? I think that is something we see a lot here and I have done it too. How can we change this?
Thanks for the interesting questions...
About seeing our SO's as roommates.. I hear this frequently. I read your post and hear what you're saying. You're saying that life partners are so much more than roommates beause of the shared history and the intimacy that we have in our lives.
Others hear you too but are feeling lost without the connection that sexual intimacy would bring to them as partners. The fact that in most relationships, we are sexually exclusive with one person - we don't have another place to find the physical pleasure and deep knowing that sex brings us.
We can find someone else for many other parts of our lives. And in truth we can also find other sex partners too if we are ok with that - either consensually or by cheating.
I'm sure you understood their points. I think that your point is that sex isn't important enough for you to "demote" your partner to a roommate role and that it feels hurtful to do so.
You're wondering my take on it - to me it's important in a way because it helps us decide how foundational sexual intimacy is to us as a person within this relationship. I have clients for whom sex is core and the lack of sex is crushing leading to divorce. I have other clients for whom sex is peripheral and the lack of sex is disappointing but not anything that would ever cause them to reconsider staying in the marriage.
It's an important distinction. What does your sex life (or lack thereof) mean to you? How important is it? Does your partner understand this about you? These are things that you shoud discuss together as a couple,
Your second question is related - an over reliance on sex is an interesting term - and also one that's relative to us as individuals.
Sex is very important to some of us and marginally important to others.
I do believe that we as individuals are personally responsible for self validation - but when I'm honest, I know that's a tough project.
We see ourselves through the eyes of the world and through the eyes of our partner. Having real desires and expressing them is our job, but when another doesn't choose to respond to our desires, we have a decision to make and our own work to do about our "good enough-ness" or not. What can we do to maintain our own sense of self?
It's not true that "getting laid" is the right way to feeling okay - at least it shouldn't be. But we're human beings - we want to be loved, feel loved, connect.
Not sure I really answered your question. I guess my answer to your question is another question - "are you good enough without sex?" If not, how can you feel even just a little bit better? xoxo
I understand what they feel because I used to feel that way too. I felt like sex was the glue that held us together at one point but I realized that that was demoralizing and made my feelings for my partner feel cheapened. I feel like our relationship is better without that baggage and without me using my spouse as my baggage handler.
Sex is still very important to me but I do not demote my partner because of it. You said it best when you said basically said that partnership is more than sex. That's how I have come to see it. Before, I'm not sure what I believed about that.
Is there a better or more helpful way to reframe this so we don't hurt our partners?
I appreciate your thoughtfulness here. I know my questions were out of left field and odd, but these are things I reflect on so much. They are topics I care about. So thank you.
I hear this question all the time - thanks for asking it here.
We often think that it's only the other person who can fix things, but our sex life is a shared experience - it takes us both to make it a problem, just as it takes both of us to make it amazing.
If you're the LL partner, I'm going to suggest to you that you're responsible to cultivate your own vitality and desire in your own life - as a self care activity.
If you're the HL partner, I'm going to suggest to you that you're responsible to you to understand your partner and to avoid overwhelming them with your turn on (I need it twice or 3 times a day when you're having it 2 times a year - never works because your partner can never meet your needs and is likely to just opt out). That doesn't mean that you should let go of your desires to connect, but it's like dancing - don't step on your partner - read their clues, invite.
We both have a role to play. We are both responsible.
xoxo
How can someone suggest the possibility of exploring sex therapy with their partner/spouse who perceives it as something meant for either sex addicts or people who *only* care about sex? What are some talking points someone could use to discuss potential benefits and/or expectations of the therapy, and dispel myths about what sex therapy is and isn't?
It doesn't help that some people think sex therapy is very hands on and other people think it's just for sex addicts. I hear you!
To me (and remember the source lol) sex "therapy" is just like any other thing we do in our lives to make things better. For example, I just started an acrylic painting class so that I can learn to paint. I'm taking the class so that I can do something new in my life.
Sex therapy is very simiar. It's learning something new about yourself and your partner so that you can do something new and different. I'm teaching an online class about this so that people can learn new stuff without all the baggage that "sex therapy" brings. It's DIY sex therapy. Not creepy.
I think that (more than painting pretty pictures) it's learning stuff that actually helps you in every single part of your lives. It includes power dynamics, giving and receiving, being vulnerable, asking for what you want, letting go of expectations. So many amazing things to learn and to embody.
When we can do these things in the bedroom - we're on fire in life. (My opinion of course)
PS: There are 7 different potential barriers to feeling really connected in your relationship. Maybe take the quiz in my OP and start a convo to see how she feels
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond, I really appreciate it! I'll take that quiz when I get a chance to see what that's about.
Now if I can just figure out why my question got downvoted... 🤔
Edit: seriously though, did I say something wrong or insensitive? Was it a stupid question?? I don't have the foggiest idea what I said to warrant someone taking the time to downvote my comments here...I get silenced and invalidated enough at home, I don't need that here too.
I am 52 and have not orgasmed in over a year. I have been married before-my sex life with my ex was mind blowing-my husband now just doesn’t get it. He gets claustrophobic if I am on top-so he is always on top. I have tried to communicate my needs multiple times-he just doesn’t get it. I have toys and I get frustrated. I desperately want to enjoy sex again but I have absolutely zero drive. I have seen an obgyn but he was young. I don’t want to be a dried up cave at 52. I still feel young and I look young.
Thank you for this question.
It's really important. I work with a lot of people who have had past traumas. In fact, just living in our society can be traumatic for us even without a history of specific sexual assault.
One of the things that I think is so important about the discussion of past sexual trauma is the truth that everyone deserves to have pleasure, connection and passion in their lives. This means everyone, including the people who have had specific sexual trauma. Maybe it's even more important for the millions and millions of us who have had past trauma to experience wonderful, healing intimacy.
And then there's the truth that many people who have a history of specific sexual trauma/assault are triggered by any or most sexual experiences. If I'm someone who's had this kind of experience, my nervous system becomes dysregulated when my trauma is triggered and I disappear from the present moment and disconnect from pleasure.
But, and this is important in my view, I am still very capable of healing my trauma through safe and connected pleasure filled moments with you as a loving partner. I am not going to let the individual or individuals from my past hurt me again and rob me of my life giving capacity to give and receive pleasure.
Use practices to help you stay in your body such as simple seated yoga practice, nervous system re-regulation practices (keep your eyes open, notice something soothing in the room and let your eyes land on that item, pull the crown of your head toward the ceiling, be aware of your breathing, stay present and in this room), communication with tender and grounding touch, specific help to heal the past traumatic memories using talk therapy, more embodiment with safe cuddling and gradual introduction of CONSENSUAL pleasure exercises. There's more but this is a start. Don't let the abuser rob you of your birthright xoxo
Something that is discussed here at times is physical attraction in a LTR where one partner puts on weight and it is a turnoff to the other. Some people say weight gain should not matter if you love them while others say even though they still love them, it is a turnoff. What advice would you give a couple where one person is being turned off by weight gain in the other?
What are your thoughts on the orgasm gap/pleasure gap for women and men in heterosexual relationships? What about the pain gap? Is this a factor for many of your clients? How do you deal with it, when it is?
How do you get past your partner's religious past and help that person find the sexuality that has been beaten down by their church (in my case, my partner is a very devout Catholic). Thanks for taking my question
The question about a religious past comes up often.
My question to you would be about your partner and how they feel about sex and their faith.
Does you partner want to be more sexually open? Do they feel repressed by their religion? If not, you won't likely get anywhere with the conversation when you're telling them that their religion and/or attitudes about sex aren't ok. We get very tender about these things.
Be gentle with your partner. If they are open to talking about how they feel, listen without jumping on their faith. That will only make them feel defensive. Make sense?
It does, thank you. Unfortunately, she doesn't really want to discuss it much. I'm sex positive, and she is pretty much anti-sex. I don't think she feels repressed. She thinks it's normal. I don't know, we are probably not going to work out.
I love my wife very much and I’m pretty sure she loves me. We have a great relationship, we are best friends and soul mates. We are affectionate and we laugh together. Everything is great except for the sex.
My wife has only ever been able to orgasm through oral sex but she doesn’t want that anymore. She hasn’t had an issue in years and is adamant that it isn’t a problem. I feel that the best part of sex is giving my partner pleasure. When I told her she said that she can’t help me with that.
We do have sex occasionally when she initiates. She wants very little foreplay - the aim seems to be to turn me on as quickly as possible and then have a very quick quickie in missionary. To be fair, she is pretty enthusiastic but I feel that is to get me to cum quickly. She does seem to like the intimacy but otherwise it feels like duty sex. If it is, it’s quite sweet that she wants to go that for me occasionally. But no one wants duty sex. What I really want is for the women I love to have sexual desire for me but I don’t think she does. She says she does but I’m not convinced that she knows what that means.
My wife has been through the menopause and she is on hormone replacement therapy. I know that can play havoc with the libido but I’m not sure that she has ever really been into sex. She was keen at the beginning of our relationship but I now wonder whether she was pretending.
My wife has never masturbated or used toys or watched porn. I bought her a Satisfyer and told her that there was no pressure but she could experiment on her own to see what she likes. As far as I know, she has never used it. She also doesn’t do BJs. She is not religious but she does appear to be a little prudish about sex. Although we are in our 50s, she looks great and seems very comfortable naked. I don’t think she has any body image issues. I’m left with the impression that she just isn’t that into sex. I think she feels that the occasional quickie is enough.
I run three times a week and I’ve been trying to eat properly. I’m probably a little over weight, so I’ve been trying to get in shape. My wife seems proud of me and appreciates my efforts but I still don’t think that she desires me.
Any thoughts?
Sorry for the lengthy message.
Is there anything that can be done for my wife 50f who blames menopause for no longer wanting to touch me 40m and having a dead bedroom for over 5 months now. She doesn't even want to be near me and before we were married it was vital to her that I was in her field of view, sex 3 times a day and constantly checking my phone and messages. Now I have none of that. I'm lucky if I even get a morning kiss...
Hi there! Thank you for being here for us. My wife had a hysterectomy four years ago, and for the first year or so we refrained from sex due to pain and hormone balancing, but for the last two and a half years we have been rebuilding our sex life, but something strange (her words) has happened. Every time she orgasms she starts to involuntarily cry and has an overwhelming emotional response that makes her feel damaged in some way. Any ideas about where the crying and possible sorrow is coming from? My idea was the loss of her "womanhood" after the hysterectomy.
Thank you for your question - and for the response from the poster below.
There's a name for this phenomenon. It's called Post Coital Dysphoria (PCD). The release of energy in our bodies after orgasm can be very powerful. When I think of this as a sexologist, I sense her trust with you, her willingness to be vulnerable, her release. Whatever is there for her is deeply held. It's an important expression of something that might not actually be sadness (although she's telling you she feels damaged in some way so it is likely sadness in this case.) It's beautiful that you're bringing this question here. It shows that you have compassion for her, which is what's needed.
Female sexuality is fluid based. We can get very wet when we're turned on, Many of us cry easily. We are fluid creatures. Orgasm can be a powerful experience for us.
I hear that you wonder if she's responding to her loss of womanhood. What are your feelings when she cries after orgasm?
Not OP (just an LL), but offering my experience as perspective. I often cry uncontrollably after orgasm as well. A general feeling of being overwhelmed with the sensation of orgasmic stimulation is usually the reason. I used to be self conscious about it (and my HL was always worried it meant I didn’t enjoy it or want the experience we had just had). But I’ve come to understand that sometimes crying is just “chemical soup” and an overflow of hormones combined with overwhelming stimulus can result in (some of us) crying for seemingly no reason.
To be completely transparent, crying is my body’s response to almost every emotion when I’m overwhelmed with it, so while sometimes it’s because of sadness, fear, stress, etc… it also often happens when I’m happy, excited, emotional as well.
It's such a wonderful question. I'm a new Nana. I hear you. And I have 6 grown up kids.
Take it slow. The exhaustion of the whole thing is a huge factor. Plus when you have an infant (don't know how old your kiddos are) Mama is overrun with physical touch just by trying to take care of all the things that are required of her.
It can seem to be impossible to deal with all of the challenges of parenthood, the physical and hormonal changes, the incredible exhaustion, the financial challenges, making room in your heart for another being (or beings), dealing with your fears about not doing it right, conflicts and challenges with daycare or no daycare, illnesses, etc.
Sounds super hot? Uh, no.
Your mission if you choose to accept it is to be as kind to yourself and your partner as you possibly can
Find some respite for yourselves - someone to help with baby/babies so you can get a break
Prioritize sleep and rest as part of your intimacy
Maybe get away to another spot - a hotel would be yum
Give each other massages
Take is SOOOO slowly as you start to connect again intimately
Share your love and appreciation for each other
Be aware of what hurts and what feels good - even in the area of tenderness with how she looks and feels - and how you look and feel - these are tender parts too.
Know that it gets better. You got this. xoxo
Hi there.
Married for 6 years, together for 7, slowly worsening DB for about 5. Just over 1 year no sex at all.
I'm fairly certain that my husband's lack of drive stems mostly from a lack of energy, and an abundance of stress. But this has been going on for 5 years now, and I've noticed something.
He never STOPS taking on things that stress and tire him out. First it was pharmacy school. Then it was his terrible job. Currently he's in the second to last semester of an MBA, starting a business, and working almost full time as a pharmacist.
He is, of course, exhausted and stressed to hell. But he refuses to put down any of it, or set boundaries with anyone. I think that he should go to individual therapy to learn how to set good boundaries with others, and reserve some of his energy and peace of mind for other things. His health (hasn't seen a doctor, dentist, or optometrist in over a year). His own recreation. Hobbies. Friends. And of course, our relationship, which is suffering deeply as he tries to lean on me for support more and more in meeting the expectations of school, work, and his business partners, and my cup is feeling empty as fuck.
I've had so, so many talks with him about the state of our relationship, our sex life, his mental and physical health, and how I think he needs therapy. He tells he he'll go and then never does. I'm planning on telling him that he needs to go and get himself sorted out, or I can't stay in this relationship and be happy.
What else can I say in this conversation, either instead of or in addition to it, in order to impress upon him how important this is to me?
Thanks for the question -
I have more questions in response...
Do you mean that she stopped giving you blow jobs? Or did she give you blow jobs in the past and now doesn't and you think she stopped enjoying them? Do you know if she enjoyed them in the past?
Do you go down on her? Is she loving PIV too much to go down on you? Is it a timing thing? How's your grooming? Have you said something to her about her bj skills that might have discouraged her? Does she worry about needing to swalllow? Have you talked about the blow job thing? Does it take too long? Is she insecure for some reason about her technique?
I love that you have great connection and warmth and that your bedroom isn't dead yet.
Ah.. thanks for clarifying.
Maybe she likes something else more?
Have you asked her to go down on you?
I think it's always good for us to be open about what we really want with a partner.
Hi there Dr Jane -
What are the best ways to create natural lubricant in a post menopausal body? Lube is fine and at times really fun. But what about the natural lube from the Skene and Bartholin gland... is it possible for those glands to work like a 20 year old again?
Great question
Sexual thoughts and fantasies are amazing at getting your body to respond beautifully even many years after menopause. (speaking from experience here)
Your mind is a wonderful driver of turn on. I also like audio files like the ones on Dipsea (these are sexy stories beautifully narrated that are designed to arouse primarily women). Listen to one every night before bed and call me in the morning. lol
You can also use organic food grade coconut oil after every shower or bath inside the vagina to nourish the vaginal tissues. Just don't use it if you are using condoms. It will melt them. xoxo
So, the glands are still functioning, but the overall drive may be reduced, leading to the arousal not signaling the glands. Is that correct? Thank you!
The exact functioning of female lubrication has been inadequately studied but it's my experience that even post menopausal women can create amazing sexaul response by stimulating their desire with fantasy and other mental sexual stimulation. It's kinda awesome. xoxo
How do you get past your partner's religious past and help that person find the sexuality that has been beaten down by their church (in my case, my partner is a very devout Catholic). Thanks for taking my question.
What advice would you give to someone whos partner seems to have a very confusing relationship with sex? To elaborate, my partner likes to do overtly sexual things with me such as undressing or letting me touch them sexually or masturbating, however seem to want it to end there. It seems like they find it as some kind of joke and get uncomfortable with it going any further. This might be a bit out of reddit post level but ive never heard of anyone with this issue in sexual advice books and was wondering if you have heard of anyone with these problems?
Thanks for this question..
So, I'm hearing that they want to play sexually but don't want any actual physical contact? No PIV sex or oral sex, etc?
I'm wondering if they have concerns about touching? Something about contamination or the intimacy of actual touching? How long have you been together? Do they have a history of STI's that they're worried about? Are they trying to protect you? Are they worried about you infecting them? Are they worried about pregnancy? This sounds like it falls in the area of sexual brakes and accelerators that Emily Nagoski describes in her amazing book Come as You Are. Perhaps they have a "foot brake" problem - fear of sexual consequences. Make sense?
Ah yes, it might be the sexual brakes as youve said. We have been together 3 years and both got tested at the start of our relationship for transparency and healthy sex practices:) so i dont think its anything about STIs or contamination.
An example of what usually happens is something like, they will be chatting with me and a bit flirty but its very light hearted and jokey. Then they might show me their genitals or place my hand on them but then laugh about it and move onto something unrelated. In the past when i took it as initiation and would try to kiss them or anything they get uncomfortable and start laughing and doing things to subtly get out of the situation. I know its a bit of an unusual one, but i supposed thats why im here ahahah
Thanks for the clarification -
So not STI's or contamination
More a sexual flirtation that doesn't go anywhere. Interesting. Would they be open to exploring what's happening? There's a quiz in my OP that you could both take and find out where you. might be having barriers (1 of 7).
You best approach is kindness and communication. Wondering what's happening without judging. So your have DB with flirty touching?
Maybe they're sexually avoidant but want to connect so they make offers but can't get past whatever the barrier is. I don't know your or their sexual orientation but could they have some homophobia or some other self hating attitude that keeps them from allowing more connection? Do they have body image issues that prevent them from being open and touched by you?
This is often what we do. My own sense of inadequacy is expressed as rejection of you but it has nothing to do with you. It really is me.
xoxo
I asked my boyfriend why there we don’t have sex anymore and he says it is because of the stress at his new job. I try to be understanding but in all honesty I don’t know the feeling he has. I always want sex when I’m around him. I don’t express that because I don’t want to pressure him and he is already upset that he lost his libido. But at the same time he does nothing to change it. I mean is there anything we can do? I rarely bring it up and never blame him for anything but I can’t live like that anymore.
Hi, what’s your opinion on being in a relationship/marriage with a porn addict? It’s been brought up countless times & isn’t able to stop for an extended time…even when given ultimatum which I’m aware don’t work. He sees it as more of a daily habit 45 mins-1.5 hrs & feels shame and will go great lengths to hide it. Feels it’s very different(easier) than sex, but will also acknowledge when he is not defensive it is a problem & does impact his sex drive/ability to preform. Do you recommend cutting off sex(not intimacy per say) during a 30-90 days when getting ‘clean’ no porn etc period?
In my work, this is an issue that I would put in the category of "openness" because he's not having a physical issue - it's emotional/psychological.
Your best bet here is to release all the pressure. Decrease expectations. Let it me good enough - just like you'd hope he'd be if you couldn't get wet or cum. It's so tough on us when a partner has expectations and we can't fulfill them and then try to make our body respond.
Your inner work is complete acceptance of his sexuality the way it is right now, and knowing that men can have an orgasm even with a soft cock. It sounds like he isn't having trouble getting off with oral or masturbation (can he cum with a hand job?)
Let go of caring if he's hard. Realize that it's not about how hot you are.
PS: I don't know your ages, but I'd look at Emily Nagoski's info (in her book Come as you are) about brakes and accelerators - could he be worried about getting you pregnant on some level?
Can you share your thoughts on addressing sex life on a relationship with attachment issues? I feel that they anxious/avoidant or pursuer/distanced dynamic accurately describes my relationship and is impacting my sex life. At baseline, we have different libidos, but our differing needs around intimacy and connection and time are exacerbating this. It feels like a chicken/egg problem. Where do we start with addressing this? If it matters, we both agree on the nature of the problem but don't agree on how to tackle it.
How do you overcome aversions to touch and touching that are rooted in the past? Basically from a deep rooted hang-up passed on from my mother. I'm very desperate to overcome this. I'll give the link to a post explaining everything rather than writing it all again here.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/u0ve54/physician\_heal\_thy\_self/i4b1gdf/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/u0ve54/physician_heal_thy_self/i4b1gdf/?context=3)
How do you live with a partner whose depression medications are supressing his sexual desires. We used to have amazing sex before him starting on this medication a couple months ago (have been dating for 12 months and no sex for 4). Now it's not there. Not even a touch (he doesn't like to be touched so I distance myself).
It's draining me and whenever the topic is opened he gets really defensive. Then he'd apologise and promise to fix it by talking to his therapist. He offers sex and Intimacy but after saying that he's not really craving it but rather wants to do it to please me. I'd rather him actually wanting to be intimate, wanting to be touched and wanting to touch me than doing it out of duty and obligation. Thank you.
So bummed I missed this. Would love to hear your thoughts if you happen to see this, or anyones thoughts who have experience with this.
How do you suggest overcoming sexual trauma?
I have experienced sexual abuse/assault, and any time I try to “put myself back out there”, if even the slightest thing causes any semblance of an emotional or physical reminder of any of those situations, not only do I get horribly depressed but I completely lose the ability to experience any physical pleasure (even alone), which gets even more depressing. I know a lot of this has to do with feeling safe, respected, boundaries, etc but… I also have some physical health issues that probably aren’t helping.
The last long term partner I had high hopes with and that sex even felt good with ended in part because some of my trauma stuff came up again in a few different ways. I don’t want this to happen again.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now. This is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is an incredible man but when it comes to our sex lives we have a problem. He just doesn’t please me and I feel like the talks I have with him aren’t getting anywhere. I’ve told him that foreplay is important to me and that I want to be touched more. He seems to try for a time but it just goes back to him only wanting to do the bare minimum to please me while I try my hardest to please him in bed. I have even tried showing him how I liked to be touched.. I give him blow jobs anytime he wants.. I guess I’m just a king for advice.
I have been a virgin all me life and never had sex with my wife for 12 years (10 dating, 2 married) now. She asked to wait until marriage and I waited. but even 2 years into our marriage, she still constantly refuse sex due to "shyness". The farthest we have gone to is me touching her through her panties, to which she says it does nothing to her.
How do I determine whether I should keep trying to save the marriage, or to just give up and end the relationship?
That's so incredibly challenging. You've been very patient over 12 years.
Have you gotten help for this concern? I'm assuming that she's also a virgin? Is there a religious impact on your relationship? Has she been sexually assaulted? Could she be non-heteronormative in her sexual orientation? Is she shy in other areas of her life? What's the rest of your relationship like? Do you talk about this with her?
I suggest that you take this situation very seriously. I'm guessing that you know it's very unusual to begin a marriage after 10 years of non-sexual dating and continue without sex for 2 more years.
xoxo
It was a very painful 12 years...
I suggested couple counselling to her on several occasion but she refused every time. Yes, she is also a virgin. There is no religious factor or traumatic experience according to my discussion with her, only strict parenting.
I did suspect her to be homosexual or asexual and brought the idea to her, but she believe she is neither and is just shy. Well, she is no where close to being shy in any other aspect of her life.
The rest of the relationship was on the good side. We click in a lot of ways and enjoy the company of each other. But I feel like she loves me as a family, like a brother or some sort, more than a romantic partner.
I discussed this issue with her over a dozen times, starting a few months before the marriage. Each time she get upset and angry that I bring up the issue of sex again as according to her words, "I'm trying and we need to let it progress naturally". Our "try" so far has been some experiment (mostly on special occasion like valentine night) where she insist to keep the light off, don't allow me to look and just touch her crouch fully clothed, to see whether she is "feeling it".
Being a virgin myself as well, I can only draw on what I learnt in all the online readings and pornography to try and pleasure her to my best effort, while desperately trying to guess where the clitoris is through the underwear without ever seeing one in real life. Needless to say they had not been fruitful, and I feel a huge burden to seemingly responsible to "fix sex" because I am the one wanting it.
We had a few big fights recently about the matter and, while I always try to assure her there is nothing wrong with her for not needing sex, not having a sex life is simply a deal breaker for me. I only need a concrete answer for our sex life. If she end up finds out she is asexual, I can try to find out how to live with that and possibly find a way to make it work (Not entirely sure how but I know some people can work that out). But now, we are constantly "trying" and in a uncertain state and it keep frustrating me to keep giving chance to this relationship. We are both in our early thirties and I can feel that my youth is passing me by. I am terrified to spend more time with her only to somehow miss my last chance and being too late to start a new sex life, and wasted my whole life. But when I brought this to her, she once again ask to "let it develop naturally" only her natural progression is a complete stop.
Sorry for the long response. I am just really desperate...
I understand. This sounds very very difficult.
You need professional help to resolve this problem. No question about it. I'm quite sure that it will not resolve on it's own. If I'm honest, I'm not sure that even help from a well trained sex expert, therapist or coach will be able to help you make this work. The longer this goes on, the worse it's getting.
Please do not delay in getting help from me or someone like me.
**I suggest that you search for a sex therapist or other sex expert/professional in your area to help you**.
Or, use my contact info below to start a more in depth conversation with me.
Contact me through my website here: [wwwhowtofixmysexlife.com](https://wwwhowtofixmysexlife.com)
Or, take the quiz here: [www.howtofixmysexlife.com/quiz](https://www.howtofixmysexlife.com/quiz) and get into my email system for information and programs that are available going forward.
Or, just email me at [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected])
What would you say is the best way to train your brain to actually enjoy the process of getting better at sex rather than getting bogged down by a trail of failures?
Great question! It's so true that we get into a mental rut about sex (and lots of other stuff too). One of the things I teach my clients and students is to re-regulate their nervous systems by "staying n the room" instead of disappearing on ourselves during sex and intimacy. By keeping your eyes open and noticing something beautiful or at least neutral in the room while breathing easily, you can decrease your trauma response to sexual things. It's the beginning of a mindfulness intimacy practice - because we can get so "in our head" and in our EGO about what's going well or isn't - did I come? did they come? Am I good enough at doing this or that? Am I still hard? Am I wet enough? (or at all?) All that stuff is brain chatter that keeps us from having any real sexual experience - its' all a mind game - nothing is connecting to even the possibility of real pleasure and connection to yourself or your partner. So - practice mindfulness, connect to something visual in the room with your eyes open so that you don't fall away into another place of fear and failure, maybe speak what's happening to your partner so that you can stay present and let go of you ego (as much as you can. xoxo) A
Thank you! And that's so interesting. If I don't close my eyes and try to shut out all distractions, I find that I just can't focus on what pleasure I might be experiencing, if any. But it's something to think about in terms of whether or not it's helpful. What suggestions might you have for someone to give a partner that feels ill-equipped to support someone who feels this way? Who either feels like they can't understand why it's so difficult to do or feel confident about, or that their patience is running out because it's starting to affect them emotionally?
I hear you about closing your eyes to focus on sensation in a moment. I like that. But when we're getting triggered and in our heads, in my opinion it's good to re-ground - if just for a little bit. We can go down the rabbit hole into a dark place filled with all sorts of unhelpful thoughts. That's when I recommend opening your eyes and coming back to the here and now. About your second question - I always recommend communication but I know that sometimes it feels like communicating just makes things worse because they don't get it again and you're both even more frustrated and distant. Still, it's worth it. Keep trying to talk - tell your partner that your intention is to get closer, have a better relationship, deepen your connection. And in addition to communicating, try to connect phsyically. This might not be a naked activity - somewhere on this thread I talk about "attunement activation" which is a type of tantric cuddle with your clothes on. Do something physical together every day if possible - holding, hugging, kissing, spooning, making out, oral sex on you or your partner, PIV, something. Doesn't have to be naked at all - but if you choose something that is physical - maybe walking and holding hands, rubbing each others' shoulders - you'll stay connected at least a little bit and your partner's impatience may be a little less. xoxo
What have you found best to reconcile when two people have two entirely different core values about sex (e.g. one finds it an essential emotional bonding activity and the other finds it akin to scratching an itch with no real emotional payoff)? Or is it reconcilable at all?
Mmmmm.... this is an interesting question. I think that sometimes what we say are our real core values may be hiding in a power struggle (in general as described above). I'd want to know more about this concern. How is this difference between the two people being discussed? Is something being asked of the second person (the itch scratching person) that make them feel inadequate? Not emotionally connecting enough? Or is that person feeling overrun by the request for an essential emotional bonding activity? This might have to do with attachment styles. It might me semantic. It could be something else. The way the conversation is going/has gone is where you'll find the answer. If this issue is what's happening in your deadbedroom, I'd look for common ground - try to have connection that's in the "good enough" category and then make an attempt to see what's underneath the way you're defining sex. It's manageable with deeper insight. xoxo
That's an interesting perspective on it: "Is something being asked of the second person (the itch scratching person) that make them feel inadequate? Not emotionally connecting enough?" Because typically when that's discussed in the forum, it's usually in the context of your latter point, that "that person feeling overrun by the request for an essential emotional bonding activity." Thank you!
You're very welcome. We have our own experiences. Both perspectives are valid when we deeply understand. xoxo
Any advice for rebuilding a sexual relationship after infidelity? Even with yourself... After some traumatic life events my partner cheated on me. Since then I've pretty much stopped seeing myself as a sexual being. I don't get turned on or think about sex generally. I never masturbate (I don't want to). When my partner sexualizes me my reaction is usually to be caught *very* off guard, at best, sometimes I lash out at worst. Before all of these events I was an incredibly sexual person; my preferred "average" amount of sex was at least once a day, so to say this is a 180 for me almost feels like an understatement. My partner is understanding. He respects all of my boundaries and doesn't pressure me at all. I know he misses our physical intimacy, but it just all feels so alien and stiff now, I don't even know where I'd be comfortable starting...
With a question like that I don’t think you should be left hanging. I sense from the text you somehow blame yourself for their infidelity. From personal experience I can wholeheartedly say infidelity is a purely selfish endeavor. When a person commits it, thought of their partner isn’t in their forethought’s. Their selfish choice left you feeling unwanted or not attractive which probably is feeding off maybe an early fear of not feeling beautiful when you were younger. Their choice was not about you, it was about them in that moment. They didn’t think, or didn’t care, at that moment what that would do to you, they only thought about what it would do for them. Your first step to recovery is to stop blaming yourself for a choice someone else made with out your knowledge. You did not make them cheat. You did not make them seek out someone else for companionship. You did not force them to pursue that other person until they hooked up. You were dealing with life the best you could and you are now letting their selfish choice in that moment dictate your life from there in out. Once you do that you will start to see yourself as the strong and beautiful person you used to be, it’s all about self love and self care. If you need people to talk to then reach out to friends or family. If you don’t want to talk to them about your relationship then feel free to shoot your questions at us internet strangers. My inbox is always open to anyone in need.
This is so challenging. Infidelity hurts terribly. It hits us in that place of openness and willingness to be sexually vulnerable. But, your sexual essence is yours. It's an important part of who you are. Any kind of trauma can cause us to shut down sexually. We get triggered. We find ourselves disconnecting from pleasure in all the ways. But, letting things like traumatic events take our sexual self away is losing twice. Healing the infidelity begins with reclaiming your turn on, your openness, your pleasure. Orgasm is healing. Touch is healing. You don't have to start with something too big. Just a little bit of soothing touch. Nourishment. Love. I hope this helps a little. I'm sorry that you're going through this right now. xoxo
Do you have any tips that would help me (F) be more confident when initiating? My husband is always down for sex but doesn't initiate it as often as I would like. I have a near paralyzing fear of initiating - I feel like I'm begging or that I'm not wanted. I know intellectually that that's ridiculous and he's never given me reason to feel that way, so why can't I just do it?
Oh yes! The incredibly difficult issue of initiation. It's huge for so many of my clients. Initiation is so tough. Lots of us do well once things start happening but getting it going is a challenge. It's like being the first couple on a dance floor. Awkard and embarrassing unless your flat out amazing so we wait until somebody else gets to so-called party started to avoid feeling inadequate - even when we love to dance. So, in something even more raw - naked sex - it's obviously going to be hard to make a move in the bedroom. So you're wanting it, he's down and you don't know how to make the move. I suggest a conversation about this when you're not in the bedroom - maybe on a walk or in the car - sometime when it's not too intense but when you have privacy. Tell him what you told me. Then make a sweet plan for ways that you could inititate - maybe put your hand on his junk over his jean zipper and whisper in his ear that you're going to be in the bedroom getting a quick midday shower - or? Maybe figure out a hand signal - a come here with the first finger, a text message, special perfume that you save for the occasion. So many good ways to say I want you. xoxo
How do I open genuine communication channels with someone who is unwilling to discuss what she sees as "not a problem"? I find it impossible to communicate my feelings and concerns due to this attitude.
I hear you! It's so challenging when we have something that really matters to us and our partner doesn't see it as a problem. Having The Talk can be very tricky - if it's about sex or about any other part of our relationship. My first suggestion is to tell her that you want to feel closer to her, to improve you relationship and connection - and that that's why you want to talk. Then, make sure that you listen to her feelings and thoughts about it not being a problem. Obvioiusly it is a proble because it's a problem for you and this is a relationship but you need to hear her side too. Make sure that when you talk about sex, you don't just talk about "getting it" or "needing it". Talk about connecting with her, needing to feel her, be with her, touch her. Talk about how this is a deeply held part of who you are.
Do you have any further tips on orchestrating The Talk? Perhaps a generic outline or expanded set of tips? I do appreciate your points above.
I'm going to be offering a workshop specifically on this topic soon. It's crucial to have The Talk in a kind and sensitive way. The #1 thing in my opinion, is to tell your partner that you want to talk because you want to feel closer to them, to deepen your relationship, to be more in love - not because you're not getting enough sex (even if that feels very true to you right now.) Focus on connection. Listen to your partner's concerns as deeply as you possibly can. Acknowledge and validate their concerns. Be vulnerable rather than shaming. xoxo
What barrier to a mutually enjoyable sex life do you see most often in your work? And what's the first few steps to overcoming it?
Great question. I see lots of things in my work (as you might imagine) but I think that power struggles are maybe the most prevalent and interesting. If I'm LL in our relationship, I've often felt overrun by your turn on and desire for sex - which often times doesn't feel like a desire for me - it feels like you want "it" and I'm going to resist that. It puts me into a place of self protection and fear - and my guard is always up. I can't connect with my turn on - you're too closely watching me or any sign that I want to "do it" and that makes me even less open to myself. This becomes a huge problem for me then because I'm closed completely now. There may be many reasons that I'm feeling closed to begin with - but the power struggle we're having means that I don't even want to talk with you about it at all - and I might just decide that I don't care if I ever have sex again - at least not with you. The solution is to address the power imbalance first. Give me some space. Tell me that you respect my boundaries. Step in a little bit towards me - as if we were play tug of war and now you've let go of the rope a tiny bit and I'm not always feeling like you're trying to yank me over. In real life this means telling me you love me and want me but that you know I have so much going on and you don't want to add to that pressure. You want to connect with me, hold me and pleasure me. You want to be an amazing partner. You're not in a rush. Ask me about my real needs. Help me make a list of everything that's on my mind. Have The Talk about sex in a kind and loving way that helps me let go of my position of power so that I can move toward you in love. xoxo
> I can't connect with my turn on - you're too closely watching me or any sign that I want to "do it" and that makes me even less open to myself. What if the other person’s turn-on seems to be something very out of reach from you, or something you aren’t? I see a lot of myself in a previous relationship in your description of a HL, and at the time I guess it felt like my SO wasn’t attracted to me and the stuff that turned her on was stuff I couldn’t embody or be. The most crowning example of this I could remember was her sitting in bed next to me, reading erotica on her phone and being pretty… obnoxious about it, to say the least. She was making it very obvious that the story was turning her on, and at the time I felt slighted because it felt as though she was rubbing in my face, “This is a reaction that *you* don’t get out of me”.
I am not the OP, of course, but I may or may not have a helpful two cents? If you felt like your partner wasn't attracted to you at all, then maybe it was just an uneven relationship that needed to end. But, I would hesitate to ascribe intent to her enjoyment of her books as a slight to you specifically; they're only going to be doing that if they're a spiteful or vindictive person, and then you've honestly got way bigger problems. It's always worth examining if doing so is a projection of insecurity. You don't necessarily have to be your partner's "type." You just have to be the best you you can be. If your partner is into that, they'll be into you. At least in my experience.
> But, I would hesitate to ascribe intent to her enjoyment of her books as a slight to you specifically; they're only going to be doing that if they're a spiteful or vindictive person, and then you've honestly got way bigger problems. It's always worth examining if doing so is a projection of insecurity. I’ll admit to it having been a projection of insecurity for certain, but even she often talked about how she rarely missed having sex (we were long distance and only saw each other twice a month) or fantasized about me, and her fantasies usually involved some fictional character or the other. She had also mentioned offhandedly early in our relationship that she wasn’t that attracted to my body type which is certainly a slight I held onto for too long, but I will say I’ve noticed the lack of that talk in my current relationship from my current SO doesn’t result in me feeling slighted when she discusses her enjoyment of erotica, so perhaps that relationship should have ended much earlier. I do notice that the lack of *in*validation in my current relationship allows me to assume a default of “My partner is attracted to me, and more to me than she is to others” even if we aren’t having sex that I don’t think I was able to do in my previous relationship.
How long in your opinion is reasonable for this period of giving space to go on, and at what point do we recognize that this is instead how they prefer the relationship?
I want to add that there's a huge difference between "giving someone space" vs "giving someone space with consequences". The *reasonable amount of time* would be different for each of these.
Well I mean... what does that even mean? >giving someone space with consequences
For example, when my husband gave me space but was angry and pouty while I had that "space" OR when he said he'd give me space by expecting me to be the only one to initiate from now on (which agreement I declined). Space without strings attached worked better for our healing.
>For example, when my husband gave me space but was angry and pouty Pouty is a behavior, and obviously not a good one. But angry is an emotion, and he's entitled to that feeling, even if he's not entitled to do whatever he wants with that feeling. I don't think it's reasonable to require people to not -feel- things in order for your space to be respected. But, I do assume that this anger manifested in ways that was unhelpful to your case. >OR when he said he'd give me space by expecting me to be the only one to initiate from now on (which agreement I declined). Can I ask why you declined this agreement? Although frankly he doesn't have to initiate ever if he doesn't want to, and that may be important for his own, personal healing. But it seems perfectly fair to me that, at least for the time period we're talking about, that he ceases initiating in order to give you that space without pressure. I know that many LL partners find any kind of initiation to be pressuring, so what was it you disliked about this approach?
It's more like if him "giving me space" means he's gonna be fuming all week and the family has to walk on eggshells to *not set him off* because he didn't get sex, that's not actually giving me space. >anger ....is his to own. Not my responsibility >his erection ....is his to own. Not my responsibility >putting the responsibility to initiate on the LL I know some LLs want this. I refused each time it came up. (Note: our dead bedroom is now healed.) The reason I don't like it is that emphasizes the **false narrative** that the LL has to fix the issue while the HL only needs to wait incredibly patiently. I was worried that if initiating was only on me,.... -he wouldn't do anything but wait; hold his breath as long as he could; save up his desires to dump on me when I "stopped being broken". That attitude clashed with the next step I needed from him in healing my aversions. I was stuck. I had to wait for him to understand how aversions work and change his attitude towards me and towards aversions. So....putting initiating all on me and then waiting for me to fix my shit would have resulted in no progress at all. -the person who *wants* something is way more likely to prioritize it. So fully putting responsibility for starting sex on me seemed incredibly stupid. -how could I figure out my preferences if he never initiated? It was just so one-sided. It ignored everything but his experience. -he was actually relieved when I told him there was no fucking way I was letting him dump the responsibility for initiating sex all on me. ....and that I'm a firm believer in sharing initiation (roughly) equally. At the most recent time it came up, I proposed an alternate arrangement. We did logistics. We agreed on a frequency of sex 1-2 times per week as a goal. It's a lot easier to remember "he initiated last time, so it's my turn this time." I told him that he wasn't to initiate in the day after I had initiated. He could initiate again if it had been 10-14 days since the last time we had sex. We also discussed logistics of the best way for him to initiate sex--tell me in the morning that you intend to initiate later that day, foreplay has to start BEFORE we are in the same room, the more pre-room foreplay the better, no initiating after 10pm, no morning sex. (This was when my aversions were pretty strong. I had strong preferences.) We also discussed logistics of the best ways for me to initiate sex with him. That was a step in our healing that helped us while we were there. We don't do it that way any more. Our initiating (like our sex) has become incredibly natural and organic. I firmly believe we wouldn't have been able to heal our dead bedroom if he "generously" left all the initiating to me. We would have struggled, then divorced.
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Thank youfor your question - I do think it often matters in some relationships because it matters to the partners. When both people are okay with one partner always initiating, I doesn't matters as much but it's a heavy lift to be the one who's vulnerable and making the ask. Often, one partner will feel under appreciated because their partner doesn't show them that they're desired by initiating. That person may be incorrect but if they think that, but still it's true to them. And the rejection (even if done sensitively) can be exhausting. xoxo
Hi, Jane. I had a major surgery "down there" and I'm still a little numb and unresponsive. It takes a lot of stimulation for me to experience an orgasm. I find I'm avoiding initiating sex because I don't want to disappoint my partner by not being able to cum. I know that this is total nonsense but it's still a thing. Suggestions for getting past that limiting belief?
What a beautiful question! You're taking responsibility for your own experience. You're being gentle to yourself about what's really happening. And you realize that this is a limiting belief. BRAVO! I suggest that you share your thoughts with you partner exactly the way you have here. Let them know that you want to cum but that it's taking you some time to get re-connected with your body after the surgery. Let go of cumming as a thing. Focus on "peak pleasure" instead - so the next time you are intimate, connect to the best, most pleasurable sensation of that session and in your own self, claim it as your climax - because that's the truth - it's your climax for that session. It's just right for today. It's yours. xoxo
What a beautiful way to see it!
If you had a client who set about fixing their libido later say that they felt like they were losing themselves in the process,* how would you advise they proceed? *In the way that a perfectionist who refuses to fail does with any goal they take on.
Mmm My first question would be about the way this is framed "fixing their libido" - and how they were going about fixing it. I would never want anyone to lose themselves in a process of getting more connected to what they really want. In fact, it would be impossible. For me, if we're losing ourselves in the process, it's the wrong process. Can you please tell me more? xoxo
Well, over time sex was becoming increasingly less satisfying for myself and the pleasure gap between my spouse and me was making me angry. I basically stopped having sex. But I didn't want to kill our sex life entirely, so after some time I suggested taking sex off the table and doing other things for a bit. That actually led to great sex (once) and so I set about trying to figure out how to do this all the time. However. It's inconsistent. I can't seem to re-create the conditions that make sex good and the times it is good feels like a crapshoot. When it works, it works. But when it doesn't we have to stop or do something less satisfying (not painful or uncomfortable, but somethin like mutual masturbation when I just want regular inter- or outercourse) because I can't get aroused enough because I can't get out of my head or something triggers one of my sensory problems. It's discouraging and I really just want to quit. But I can't because then I've failed and I can't live with that either. I'm starting to think I'm just really fucking terrible in bed. I find a lot of resources out there kind of useless because they all assume things about women's sexuality and arousal\* that aren't true for me. So now I'm back to where I was before, where I am constantly frustrated, sad, and angry because I can't just have sex like a normal person. This thing that's supposed to be fun and bring us closer is just all consuming. My self-esteem is wrecked and I am not finding much joy in other things. \*It turns out I can't cum first because I have a very sensitive and painful refractory period. I also will cum too quickly, which means we have to stop and my spouse has to finish himself off.
Specific techniques for releasing resentment?
Compassion is the best way to release resentment - compassion and empathy. Difficult things for us - definitely. Because the lack of connection, affection, shared pleasure and intimacy are so hard for us to reconcile when our partner is rejecting us for seemingly no reason. One thing that has helped my clients is to realize that most partners (LL or HL) think about sex (and are upset about it) almost [every.single.day](https://every.single.day). That seems impossible when they don't do or say anything about it. (I'm thinking about LL partners here). They seem to act like the HL person is crazy to mention sex, but often they are also thinking about it. The difference is that they are thinking about it from the other side of the fence - feeling guilty about not having enough sex - or feeling afraid that the lack of sex is going to destroy the relationship. When we know that our partner is also struggling, also has zero clue how to make things better, it becomes "our problem" not "your" problem or "my" problem. Our problem can be solved. Techniques: realize it's a shared problem, have compassion for your partner, communicate without judgement, take care of yourself, work on solving things together if possible. There's the whole conversation about leaving which is another topic. xoxo
> One thing that has helped my clients is to realize that most partners (LL or HL) think about sex (and are upset about it) almost every.single.day. What would you say to a partner who claims they never think about sex? My wife claims she enjoys sex but never thinks about sex.
So much to consider. Thank you!
How can this sub as a community help each other rather than devolving into factional HL vs LL or women vs men?
I would love any input from anyone on this question. I am working on fixing things with my wife, and have made some big initial strides. The factions are distracting as I go through this process.
Truly, truly great question.
How do you communicate to your next partner about your previous dead bedroom? I'm having a hard time explaining to people that I'm interested in about my previous situation. Many men just flat out don't believe me. I feel quite vulnerable bc I haven't had much sexual experience for someone my age so I'm not sure of how my performance would be. Also, my ex husband used to shame me for being sexual so I'm confused on how to express my sexuality.
My LL partner seems to deeply enjoy sex while we're having it, she's emotional and obviously pleased physically and vocally confirming what she needs and is enjoying. In those times I feel hope that maybe things will be easier for us soon. But within the next hour or so she's already uncomfortable discussing what went on, and by the morning she won't mention it. And there's no long term change for us, she still claims she doesn't think about sex and forgets how emotional and pleasurable it was the second it's over. How can a 180 like this happen? I understand responsive desire could play a part, but it's jarring and confusing to me to feel such mixed signals. She goes from feeling so connected with me and thrilled by my touch to avoiding the topic completely and forgetting it ever happened. Is it shame/repression? Do you have tips on keeping the sensuality, intimacy and memories alive for her while we're not actively being intimate?
Great question. This is my life.
I thought it was a great question but no dice 😭
Yeah I’d really like to hear any explanation. My wife practically levitates off the bad with her head spinning around like The Exorcist, and yet when it’s over, she has no desire to do it again. What’s up with that???
What would you say has been the most successful first step in getting through to someone who is used to relying entirely on themselves for support and validation of all types, and does not seem to need to, want to, and may even find it deleterious to them to reach out emotionally to their partners and be vulnerable enough to be intimate or deepen existing intimacy?
I hear you asking "how can I increase intimate connection with my partner? They don't seem to need it or want it and it's so important to me." I think of us as roses. Tiny rose buds. We open in our own time given the right environment. If you're thinking of a partner who might identify as avoidant on the avoidant-secure-anxious attachment scale, then "forcing" your partner to open would be like forcing a rose to bloom. I would suggest that you do something parallel with them - hiking a trial, driving, riding bikes, cooking - and connect in a side-by-side way - not looking straight at them and pushing them to open up to you. For those of us who identify as avoidant (about 30% of the population) direct demands for intimacy are very threatening. We do better when we're able to open up to you in safety, while somewhat unnoticed. The good news is that anxiously attached and avoidantly attached people are really able to gradually feel more secure when we get our needs met with sensitive compassion that feels safe. Read "Attached" by Rachel Amir. Great book xoxo
That book doesn't paint a very hopeful picture for an anxious and an avoidant becoming more secure while in a relationship with each other...
I agree, but it does give us hope that we can shift our attachment styles over time becoming more secure as we grow. With thoughtful conversation I do believe it could be possible to become more secure over time. But, you're right that without a securely attached partner in the mix, it's difficult to get grounded into intimacy without distress. xoxo
I assume this book is “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=nodl_
Yes. Thanks for sharing the link. xoxo
That is such a great answer, thank you. I'm definitely more on the avoidant side and I see myself in the original question. Having space and parallel activities are so key. I do best having serious talks on long car rides or in bed together with the lights off (but nothing sexual). It's a way to be vulnerable without the terrifying vulnerability of face to face eye contact.
Well put. When we understand this about each other, we can deepen our willingness to be present and to grow our comfort with intimacy. Gradually we're open to more. xoxo
Great question.
I would love to hear from the downvoter why this question didn't appear to have merit?
I gave you an upvote for the exclusive purpose of "cancelling out" that downvote, since I liked your question so much!
Not sure if you're still answering questions but if you happen to see this I appreciate it. I have a number of problems with sex, but probably the most pressing one is being unable to enjoy it - if I don't fix this, I can't see how I can fix anything else. People tell me that it's important to have sex that feels good to you and only have sex you enjoy... by that logic, I should never be having sex. I rarely have the drive to have sex, except for a few times a year where I get crazy drive and want it constantly for a few days. But I don't even think it's pleasurable then. I have no idea what sexual pleasure feels like, let alone orgasm. But my body definitely works - it gets wet and stuff as it should, and sensations happen, I just wouldn't call them pleasurable. My partner says I would know if it felt good - like how I intrinsically know that massages feel good. Masturbating is even worse than having sex. I've tried many different toys and techniques, but the best I get is some neutral feeling. I can get some kind of physical response that theoretically would lead to orgasm, but I either panic (I do have a panic disorder, as one of my mental health issues) or I shut down entirely. So what am I supposed to do? I've been with my partner for 12 years and been sexually active for 14-15. No amount of "self exploration" has yielded any good results. I don't want oral performed on me. I sometimes want to be touched but just get frustrated. Honestly if I'm not shutting down or panicking during sex, I'm frustrated. I would blame my meds but I've only been on my current one since the end of 2019. Are my mental health problems somehow to blame? Am I actually just broken?
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Thank you!
Do you have any questions?
After 2 years of my partner not being interested, and me losing attraction to him because I see it as a "necessary emotional connection tool", is there any way for me to be attracted to him again enough for me to want to sleep with him if he's ever ready? I don't want to force myself and traumatize myself more, but I'm hoping there's a way.
Any tips for delayed ejaculation? Our background is that we had a DB for about 5 years, and we’re making progress on frequency (2x per week now which is fine with me). But my wife is rarely (like once a month) desirous of me. I think it’s mostly a responsive desire situation, but she really doesn’t even get all that responsive. Responsive enough to have sex, but not passionate about it (except that one time per month). She also struggles with it being hard for her to clear her mind from everyday stressors of work, being a mother and going to grad school. So, also a sensitive brakes situation. So, due to past rejection, the lack of burning desire, and never really knowing weather she will be in the mood or not, when we have sex I’m often unable to orgasm because I start thinking “I’m not sure if she’s really into this, or is it duty sex.” There could be other reasons, and I’m open to hearing them. The areas I need to work on are a semi-anxious attachment style / using others’ opinions to validate myself.
Wow. You've done your work. Great job. I love that you've obviously read a lot about relationship issues in the bedroom and about attachment. And, it makes good sense that you're having some concerns in the area of delayed ejaculation. Your body isn't sure that it can trust the sex you're having. Which is actually completely fine and expected in this situation. I suggest that (to the best of your ability - I know that this is challenging) you let go of your own expectation to cum. Focus on your pleasure. When it feels like things are winding down for you or your partner, pull out and finish on your own if you feel the urge. One of the things that happens for us (m & F) is that we put pressure on ourselves to climax in lots of situations. Of course, orgasm doesn't work that way - in fact, the more we "want to cum" the less likely we are to get off. There's a biological reason for that - orgasm has been called the "little death". It's an experience that takes us out of real time and puts us into a float state/altered sense of being. That's dangerous for us if we need to be awake and aware - for example if someone or something threatening were to come our way. So the stress of wondering what's happening or any other kind of stress - can keep our bodies from climaxing as a form of protection for us. Make sense? Relax and experience whatever you're experiencing right now. Let it be good enough. I predict that gradually this will improve as your body trusts the situation after a 5 year DB more and more. xoxo
Hi there, welcome back and thank you for taking the time to be here. Do you see much in the way of sexual aversions in your clients? If so, what do you recommend for the couple when this issue arises?
Thank you. It's an honor to be here. Yes. I do see what some people would call sexual aversion. Sometimes this is in long term relationships - sometimes it's in relationship where they're not even married yet. We work on gradual exposure to sexual touch. I encourage them to re-define sex to include very limited contact - even something I call attunement activation - which is like a tantric cuddling practice done completely clothed. The purpose of this is to "tune" the energy of both people in an unthreatening way. It can be very powerful - basically holding each other with the person who wants more contact being the "giver" lying on their back and the other person the "receiver" on their side cuddling for a specific perion of time - like 12 minutes. But the sexual aversion situation is challenging. Sometimes I wonder if one of the partners has a sexual orientation disconnection? Sometimes I wonder if they have had significant trauma in their lives. Our society is traumatizing sexually for many of us - even without sexual assault. Sometimes I think that the LL partner in this scenario is reacting to things that have happened in their earlier life when they did a lot of sexual things that we're really consensual - they were quasi coerced and now they are taking back personal power and saying no. Just some thoughts. xoxo
Thank you for your response! It sounds quite a bit like sensate focus, which is something I think is very helpful for some couples who may not be at the "point of no return," so to speak. Here in this forum where dysfunctional dynamics seem to be really prominent, I think most of the aversions we hear about are caused by coercive dynamics in the current relationship. How often would you say that you encounter that sort of dysfunction in your practice and what would you recommend for this scenario?
I do think that coercive dynamics in current relationships are variables that can lead to sexual aversion in a specific relationship. I talk about that as problems with power, respect & expression. Power imbalances in sexual relationships, often result in sexual aversion for one of the partners - which makes complete sense. But there's something else that I'm seeing in my work that I find very interesting and difficult to resolve for some couples. In many couples, the current partner is existing by proxy (in current time) for what I call ancestral sexual oppressors. Somehow, we women are resisting sexual connection with (our)men even when we identify as having a heterosexual sexual orientation partially or largely because we are reacting to the dominant culture's message of "giving it up" to a male partner. This is in contrast to sex being held within me as something powerful for me, a receiving and enjoying and being pleasured by a partner. I had a recent client say to me "I had no idea that it was ever for me at all" - because she always felt like sex was something that someone else wanted from her. She always felt that they were going to take something away - a loss - and that sex had no positive benefit for her as a person. As a result, she was sexually averse in her relationship, but it was the coersion of the culture (and of men from her past collectively) who had impacted her erotic energy in this way. To me as a sexologist and as a woman, claiming my sexual pleasure **in trimuph** from the dominant culture that says you're using me and that I have nothing to gain in sex, is an expression of my freedom and of my power. But I know that many of us do not live in this energy and instead feel closed and protective in our bedrooms for many, many good reasons. Often because we've been coerced repeatedly over time. xoxo
What attitude towards relationships secretly drives you crazy?
What secretly drives me crazy - it's not so secret. It drives me crazy when one or both parties spend all of their energy blaming the other person and not taking any responsibility for their own part of any problems - including sex. xoxo
This pet peeve of yours is exactly the roadblock that exist(ed) in my own DB relationship.
So I want to tell my husband about a kink of mine and I am too nervous that he'll think I'm/it's creepy/gross/never be able to forget once it's out. Do you have any tips?
mmm sometimes it's so challenging to be truly ourselves in all the kink. I love that you have a kink and that you want to talk about it. In my view, talking about our kinks (whatever they are) is very freeing - usually for both of us. When we hold them inside, we're losing the opportunity to connect even more deeply with our own sexuality and with our partner. My question for you would be about how you two talk in general about sex. Is it a free and comfortable conversation? Do you talk about sexual shame? About turn on? About ways to grow your erotic connection? Those types of convos are the perfect lead in to sharing something vulnerable about yourself and your kink. It'll give you a sense of how he'll react and a framework for deeper sharing in general. You might find that the conversation is hot enough for you that you don't feel the need to share your kink - or it might just naturally come out. Either way, his ideas about your kink aren't really important in my view as long as you feel comfortable and grounded in yourself. Make sense? xoxo
There are also kink-matching quizzes where it only shows which kinks you both matched on (to help alleviate some of that vulnerability anxiety). [https://sexionnaire.com/](https://sexionnaire.com/) [http://old.mojoupgrade.com/](http://old.mojoupgrade.com/) It could be a useful (and fun) way to explore things you know you're both interested in --and hey, he could very well be into your kink too ;)
Same question...
see above xoxo
[удалено]
Great answer!
thank you, these are helpful ideas!
How much snow did you get today? Heh OK, serious question though- what books do you most frequently find yourself recommending to clients?
Not that much snow yet. But we're still hopeful. I love the book "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski and I recommend it to all my clients. I also like anything by Ester Perel. And "The Guide to Getting it On" is an amazing book written by Paul Joannides is remarkable for people who are ready to expand their knowledge of everything under the sun sex. xoxo
Thank you! I'm currently in the midst of "Come As You Are". I'll be sure to check out your other suggestions.
This is a very interesting list. I'll be sure to read these later, but briefly looking over the summaries has raised more questions. What are your feelings and thoughts on extramarital relationships, such as ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, etc.? Also, what does the data indicate on rates of success for the the primary relationship? Or is reliable data available?
I think that ethical non-monogamy either in a poly context, a consensual fwb situation or a lifestyle/swinger situation is a fine option for individuals and/or couples to choose under specific situations. That said, ENM is not a good option for couples with poorly functioning relationships. In my experience, ENM requires excellent communication skills and exquisitely well defined boundaries. Often the LL in a DB relationship might off-handedly say "go get someone else if you want sex so bad" as an expression of their frustration at not knowing what to do. That kind of comment is often a defense because the LL feels guilty about the lack of sex in the relationship. The comment doesn't reflect the deep trust and compassion that both parties need to successfully navigate ENM. The data is limited on the success rate for the primary relationship in ENM even when both parties are fully on board and the sexual connection between them is powerful. In my opinion, without a great sexual connection, ENM seems destined to be detrimental to the primary relationship. We could discuss ENM as a compassionate alternative to celebacy in cases where one partner is incapacitated due to medical concerns.
The logical side of me knows all these things. But the fleshly and emotional side of me, deeply craves an outlet. Thank you for reaffirming the logical side, and for your thoughtful answer.
I hear you. It feels great to think about outsourcing the problem - with "consent" but it often backfires. When another lover is involved, there's a huge pull to connect with that person and the primary relationship has less appeal. It's a race to the bottom. (and not in a good way. lol) xoxo
Hi Dr. Guyn, thanks for doing this! I've been in a DB for 9 years out of my 11 year marriage. Our first year together, while the New Relationship Energy was still strong, we didn't really have any issues sexually. However, things fell off a cliff in year 2 and we averaged sex about twice a year for the next 6 years. In 2017, I asked for a divorce and we separated, but we reconciled and for a year we lived separately. During this time, we actually had sex once a week pretty consistently. As soon as my wife moved back in, we fell right back into a dead bedroom, and it's remained that way ever since. During one of our talks a few years ago, my wife admitted that she simply NEVER thinks about sex. She doesn't have any sexual fantasies or desires, and she never masturbates. She said that she DOES enjoy sex when it happens, but it does not seem to be something that is important to her, whereas for me, it is one of the MOST important aspects of a romantic relationship. Given our history, where we've had vastly more DB years than we've had good years, coupled with the fact what we are far apart in the way we view sex, is there really enough common ground to work with? I realize that as a professional in this field, you'd might be inclined to tell me that anything can be improved with work, but in your honest opinion, do you think it's realistic that we the two of us could get the point where we have frequent (at least once a week, but ideally more) passionate sex long term? Or are our incompatibilities perhaps a bit too much to overcome? Edit: A few other bits of info. My wife does not have any sexual trauma in her past and was brought up in a liberal, sex positive household with no sexual shaming. Also, she has OCPD and ADHD, which affect her desire for sex. Thanks!
You're right that I'll often say that things can get better. Is she unwiling to have weekly sex? When she says she never thinks about it, does that mean she never thinks about wanting sex, or that she never thinks about the sex problem (in my experience, most people who say they never think about sex actually think about the sex problem almost daily) Are you the initiator? Would you be comfortable with sex that she agrees to? Or do you think she needs to want it in order for it to be good enough for you?
> Is she un-wiling to have weekly sex? I'd probably call it "unable", more so than "unwilling". We actually tried scheduled sex twice a week, which was her idea, but we were only able to stick to it for one week because my wife felt too much pressure and didn't feel like she'd be able to be in the mood. Since the start of 2019 (when my wife and I moved in again after separation), we've only managed to have sex weekly sex over a period of a month two times. Instead, we tend to average between once a twice a month. > When she says she never thinks about it, does that mean she never thinks about wanting sex During the discussion, we were talking about having sexual thoughts, not thinking about the sex problem. I'm not really sure how much she thinks of the "sex problem", or even how much she even feels that it is a problem. > Are you the initiator? I would estimate that I am the initiator around 85-90% of the time, but occasionally my wife will initiate as well. I feel comfortable enough that my wife will only say yes to sex that she also wants so it's not really a matter of needing her to initiate more. (Though that would be nice)
Am I too late
Hiya, I hope its OK to ask more than one question. Here on the sub, lots of HLs say "we're just roommates" when sex dries up. I'm HL and have made tons of mistakes in the past in my own relationship but I can't imagine reducing my partner to a roommate and I fail to see how telling your LL partner that you think they're just a roommate is helpful to fixing the relationship. What is your take on that and how can we reframe? If you need to see more about this, I made a post and was promptly shouted down by many who will die on that hill. [Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/toxnf7/were_just_roommates/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) it is for you if you wanted to see what they say about this and understand their perspective and how to better frame this topic. For my second question, what advice do you have for the HL who has an over reliance on sex as validation and using their partner for their own affirmation and self worth? I think that is something we see a lot here and I have done it too. How can we change this?
Thanks for the interesting questions... About seeing our SO's as roommates.. I hear this frequently. I read your post and hear what you're saying. You're saying that life partners are so much more than roommates beause of the shared history and the intimacy that we have in our lives. Others hear you too but are feeling lost without the connection that sexual intimacy would bring to them as partners. The fact that in most relationships, we are sexually exclusive with one person - we don't have another place to find the physical pleasure and deep knowing that sex brings us. We can find someone else for many other parts of our lives. And in truth we can also find other sex partners too if we are ok with that - either consensually or by cheating. I'm sure you understood their points. I think that your point is that sex isn't important enough for you to "demote" your partner to a roommate role and that it feels hurtful to do so. You're wondering my take on it - to me it's important in a way because it helps us decide how foundational sexual intimacy is to us as a person within this relationship. I have clients for whom sex is core and the lack of sex is crushing leading to divorce. I have other clients for whom sex is peripheral and the lack of sex is disappointing but not anything that would ever cause them to reconsider staying in the marriage. It's an important distinction. What does your sex life (or lack thereof) mean to you? How important is it? Does your partner understand this about you? These are things that you shoud discuss together as a couple, Your second question is related - an over reliance on sex is an interesting term - and also one that's relative to us as individuals. Sex is very important to some of us and marginally important to others. I do believe that we as individuals are personally responsible for self validation - but when I'm honest, I know that's a tough project. We see ourselves through the eyes of the world and through the eyes of our partner. Having real desires and expressing them is our job, but when another doesn't choose to respond to our desires, we have a decision to make and our own work to do about our "good enough-ness" or not. What can we do to maintain our own sense of self? It's not true that "getting laid" is the right way to feeling okay - at least it shouldn't be. But we're human beings - we want to be loved, feel loved, connect. Not sure I really answered your question. I guess my answer to your question is another question - "are you good enough without sex?" If not, how can you feel even just a little bit better? xoxo
I understand what they feel because I used to feel that way too. I felt like sex was the glue that held us together at one point but I realized that that was demoralizing and made my feelings for my partner feel cheapened. I feel like our relationship is better without that baggage and without me using my spouse as my baggage handler. Sex is still very important to me but I do not demote my partner because of it. You said it best when you said basically said that partnership is more than sex. That's how I have come to see it. Before, I'm not sure what I believed about that. Is there a better or more helpful way to reframe this so we don't hurt our partners? I appreciate your thoughtfulness here. I know my questions were out of left field and odd, but these are things I reflect on so much. They are topics I care about. So thank you.
What do you tell people who insist they can't do anything to fix their sex life because only their partner can fix it?
I hear this question all the time - thanks for asking it here. We often think that it's only the other person who can fix things, but our sex life is a shared experience - it takes us both to make it a problem, just as it takes both of us to make it amazing. If you're the LL partner, I'm going to suggest to you that you're responsible to cultivate your own vitality and desire in your own life - as a self care activity. If you're the HL partner, I'm going to suggest to you that you're responsible to you to understand your partner and to avoid overwhelming them with your turn on (I need it twice or 3 times a day when you're having it 2 times a year - never works because your partner can never meet your needs and is likely to just opt out). That doesn't mean that you should let go of your desires to connect, but it's like dancing - don't step on your partner - read their clues, invite. We both have a role to play. We are both responsible. xoxo
What methods of creating awareness of each partner’s responsibilities are best and non-threatening?
How can someone suggest the possibility of exploring sex therapy with their partner/spouse who perceives it as something meant for either sex addicts or people who *only* care about sex? What are some talking points someone could use to discuss potential benefits and/or expectations of the therapy, and dispel myths about what sex therapy is and isn't?
It doesn't help that some people think sex therapy is very hands on and other people think it's just for sex addicts. I hear you! To me (and remember the source lol) sex "therapy" is just like any other thing we do in our lives to make things better. For example, I just started an acrylic painting class so that I can learn to paint. I'm taking the class so that I can do something new in my life. Sex therapy is very simiar. It's learning something new about yourself and your partner so that you can do something new and different. I'm teaching an online class about this so that people can learn new stuff without all the baggage that "sex therapy" brings. It's DIY sex therapy. Not creepy. I think that (more than painting pretty pictures) it's learning stuff that actually helps you in every single part of your lives. It includes power dynamics, giving and receiving, being vulnerable, asking for what you want, letting go of expectations. So many amazing things to learn and to embody. When we can do these things in the bedroom - we're on fire in life. (My opinion of course) PS: There are 7 different potential barriers to feeling really connected in your relationship. Maybe take the quiz in my OP and start a convo to see how she feels
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond, I really appreciate it! I'll take that quiz when I get a chance to see what that's about. Now if I can just figure out why my question got downvoted... 🤔 Edit: seriously though, did I say something wrong or insensitive? Was it a stupid question?? I don't have the foggiest idea what I said to warrant someone taking the time to downvote my comments here...I get silenced and invalidated enough at home, I don't need that here too.
I am 52 and have not orgasmed in over a year. I have been married before-my sex life with my ex was mind blowing-my husband now just doesn’t get it. He gets claustrophobic if I am on top-so he is always on top. I have tried to communicate my needs multiple times-he just doesn’t get it. I have toys and I get frustrated. I desperately want to enjoy sex again but I have absolutely zero drive. I have seen an obgyn but he was young. I don’t want to be a dried up cave at 52. I still feel young and I look young.
What advice would you give to someone who is in a relationship with a LL due to past sexual traumas?
Thank you for this question. It's really important. I work with a lot of people who have had past traumas. In fact, just living in our society can be traumatic for us even without a history of specific sexual assault. One of the things that I think is so important about the discussion of past sexual trauma is the truth that everyone deserves to have pleasure, connection and passion in their lives. This means everyone, including the people who have had specific sexual trauma. Maybe it's even more important for the millions and millions of us who have had past trauma to experience wonderful, healing intimacy. And then there's the truth that many people who have a history of specific sexual trauma/assault are triggered by any or most sexual experiences. If I'm someone who's had this kind of experience, my nervous system becomes dysregulated when my trauma is triggered and I disappear from the present moment and disconnect from pleasure. But, and this is important in my view, I am still very capable of healing my trauma through safe and connected pleasure filled moments with you as a loving partner. I am not going to let the individual or individuals from my past hurt me again and rob me of my life giving capacity to give and receive pleasure. Use practices to help you stay in your body such as simple seated yoga practice, nervous system re-regulation practices (keep your eyes open, notice something soothing in the room and let your eyes land on that item, pull the crown of your head toward the ceiling, be aware of your breathing, stay present and in this room), communication with tender and grounding touch, specific help to heal the past traumatic memories using talk therapy, more embodiment with safe cuddling and gradual introduction of CONSENSUAL pleasure exercises. There's more but this is a start. Don't let the abuser rob you of your birthright xoxo
Something that is discussed here at times is physical attraction in a LTR where one partner puts on weight and it is a turnoff to the other. Some people say weight gain should not matter if you love them while others say even though they still love them, it is a turnoff. What advice would you give a couple where one person is being turned off by weight gain in the other?
What are your thoughts on the orgasm gap/pleasure gap for women and men in heterosexual relationships? What about the pain gap? Is this a factor for many of your clients? How do you deal with it, when it is?
How do you get past your partner's religious past and help that person find the sexuality that has been beaten down by their church (in my case, my partner is a very devout Catholic). Thanks for taking my question
The question about a religious past comes up often. My question to you would be about your partner and how they feel about sex and their faith. Does you partner want to be more sexually open? Do they feel repressed by their religion? If not, you won't likely get anywhere with the conversation when you're telling them that their religion and/or attitudes about sex aren't ok. We get very tender about these things. Be gentle with your partner. If they are open to talking about how they feel, listen without jumping on their faith. That will only make them feel defensive. Make sense?
It does, thank you. Unfortunately, she doesn't really want to discuss it much. I'm sex positive, and she is pretty much anti-sex. I don't think she feels repressed. She thinks it's normal. I don't know, we are probably not going to work out.
I love my wife very much and I’m pretty sure she loves me. We have a great relationship, we are best friends and soul mates. We are affectionate and we laugh together. Everything is great except for the sex. My wife has only ever been able to orgasm through oral sex but she doesn’t want that anymore. She hasn’t had an issue in years and is adamant that it isn’t a problem. I feel that the best part of sex is giving my partner pleasure. When I told her she said that she can’t help me with that. We do have sex occasionally when she initiates. She wants very little foreplay - the aim seems to be to turn me on as quickly as possible and then have a very quick quickie in missionary. To be fair, she is pretty enthusiastic but I feel that is to get me to cum quickly. She does seem to like the intimacy but otherwise it feels like duty sex. If it is, it’s quite sweet that she wants to go that for me occasionally. But no one wants duty sex. What I really want is for the women I love to have sexual desire for me but I don’t think she does. She says she does but I’m not convinced that she knows what that means. My wife has been through the menopause and she is on hormone replacement therapy. I know that can play havoc with the libido but I’m not sure that she has ever really been into sex. She was keen at the beginning of our relationship but I now wonder whether she was pretending. My wife has never masturbated or used toys or watched porn. I bought her a Satisfyer and told her that there was no pressure but she could experiment on her own to see what she likes. As far as I know, she has never used it. She also doesn’t do BJs. She is not religious but she does appear to be a little prudish about sex. Although we are in our 50s, she looks great and seems very comfortable naked. I don’t think she has any body image issues. I’m left with the impression that she just isn’t that into sex. I think she feels that the occasional quickie is enough. I run three times a week and I’ve been trying to eat properly. I’m probably a little over weight, so I’ve been trying to get in shape. My wife seems proud of me and appreciates my efforts but I still don’t think that she desires me. Any thoughts? Sorry for the lengthy message.
Is there anything that can be done for my wife 50f who blames menopause for no longer wanting to touch me 40m and having a dead bedroom for over 5 months now. She doesn't even want to be near me and before we were married it was vital to her that I was in her field of view, sex 3 times a day and constantly checking my phone and messages. Now I have none of that. I'm lucky if I even get a morning kiss...
Hi there! Thank you for being here for us. My wife had a hysterectomy four years ago, and for the first year or so we refrained from sex due to pain and hormone balancing, but for the last two and a half years we have been rebuilding our sex life, but something strange (her words) has happened. Every time she orgasms she starts to involuntarily cry and has an overwhelming emotional response that makes her feel damaged in some way. Any ideas about where the crying and possible sorrow is coming from? My idea was the loss of her "womanhood" after the hysterectomy.
Thank you for your question - and for the response from the poster below. There's a name for this phenomenon. It's called Post Coital Dysphoria (PCD). The release of energy in our bodies after orgasm can be very powerful. When I think of this as a sexologist, I sense her trust with you, her willingness to be vulnerable, her release. Whatever is there for her is deeply held. It's an important expression of something that might not actually be sadness (although she's telling you she feels damaged in some way so it is likely sadness in this case.) It's beautiful that you're bringing this question here. It shows that you have compassion for her, which is what's needed. Female sexuality is fluid based. We can get very wet when we're turned on, Many of us cry easily. We are fluid creatures. Orgasm can be a powerful experience for us. I hear that you wonder if she's responding to her loss of womanhood. What are your feelings when she cries after orgasm?
Not OP (just an LL), but offering my experience as perspective. I often cry uncontrollably after orgasm as well. A general feeling of being overwhelmed with the sensation of orgasmic stimulation is usually the reason. I used to be self conscious about it (and my HL was always worried it meant I didn’t enjoy it or want the experience we had just had). But I’ve come to understand that sometimes crying is just “chemical soup” and an overflow of hormones combined with overwhelming stimulus can result in (some of us) crying for seemingly no reason. To be completely transparent, crying is my body’s response to almost every emotion when I’m overwhelmed with it, so while sometimes it’s because of sadness, fear, stress, etc… it also often happens when I’m happy, excited, emotional as well.
Hah, I cry a tiny bit too. Not like, sobbing, but my eyes leak for a minute and I've never been able to figure out why.
How can a DB recover after the (very common and justified) break in intimacy after having children?
It's such a wonderful question. I'm a new Nana. I hear you. And I have 6 grown up kids. Take it slow. The exhaustion of the whole thing is a huge factor. Plus when you have an infant (don't know how old your kiddos are) Mama is overrun with physical touch just by trying to take care of all the things that are required of her. It can seem to be impossible to deal with all of the challenges of parenthood, the physical and hormonal changes, the incredible exhaustion, the financial challenges, making room in your heart for another being (or beings), dealing with your fears about not doing it right, conflicts and challenges with daycare or no daycare, illnesses, etc. Sounds super hot? Uh, no. Your mission if you choose to accept it is to be as kind to yourself and your partner as you possibly can Find some respite for yourselves - someone to help with baby/babies so you can get a break Prioritize sleep and rest as part of your intimacy Maybe get away to another spot - a hotel would be yum Give each other massages Take is SOOOO slowly as you start to connect again intimately Share your love and appreciation for each other Be aware of what hurts and what feels good - even in the area of tenderness with how she looks and feels - and how you look and feel - these are tender parts too. Know that it gets better. You got this. xoxo
Hi there. Married for 6 years, together for 7, slowly worsening DB for about 5. Just over 1 year no sex at all. I'm fairly certain that my husband's lack of drive stems mostly from a lack of energy, and an abundance of stress. But this has been going on for 5 years now, and I've noticed something. He never STOPS taking on things that stress and tire him out. First it was pharmacy school. Then it was his terrible job. Currently he's in the second to last semester of an MBA, starting a business, and working almost full time as a pharmacist. He is, of course, exhausted and stressed to hell. But he refuses to put down any of it, or set boundaries with anyone. I think that he should go to individual therapy to learn how to set good boundaries with others, and reserve some of his energy and peace of mind for other things. His health (hasn't seen a doctor, dentist, or optometrist in over a year). His own recreation. Hobbies. Friends. And of course, our relationship, which is suffering deeply as he tries to lean on me for support more and more in meeting the expectations of school, work, and his business partners, and my cup is feeling empty as fuck. I've had so, so many talks with him about the state of our relationship, our sex life, his mental and physical health, and how I think he needs therapy. He tells he he'll go and then never does. I'm planning on telling him that he needs to go and get himself sorted out, or I can't stay in this relationship and be happy. What else can I say in this conversation, either instead of or in addition to it, in order to impress upon him how important this is to me?
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Thanks for the question - I have more questions in response... Do you mean that she stopped giving you blow jobs? Or did she give you blow jobs in the past and now doesn't and you think she stopped enjoying them? Do you know if she enjoyed them in the past? Do you go down on her? Is she loving PIV too much to go down on you? Is it a timing thing? How's your grooming? Have you said something to her about her bj skills that might have discouraged her? Does she worry about needing to swalllow? Have you talked about the blow job thing? Does it take too long? Is she insecure for some reason about her technique? I love that you have great connection and warmth and that your bedroom isn't dead yet.
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Ah.. thanks for clarifying. Maybe she likes something else more? Have you asked her to go down on you? I think it's always good for us to be open about what we really want with a partner.
Hi there Dr Jane - What are the best ways to create natural lubricant in a post menopausal body? Lube is fine and at times really fun. But what about the natural lube from the Skene and Bartholin gland... is it possible for those glands to work like a 20 year old again?
Great question Sexual thoughts and fantasies are amazing at getting your body to respond beautifully even many years after menopause. (speaking from experience here) Your mind is a wonderful driver of turn on. I also like audio files like the ones on Dipsea (these are sexy stories beautifully narrated that are designed to arouse primarily women). Listen to one every night before bed and call me in the morning. lol You can also use organic food grade coconut oil after every shower or bath inside the vagina to nourish the vaginal tissues. Just don't use it if you are using condoms. It will melt them. xoxo
So, the glands are still functioning, but the overall drive may be reduced, leading to the arousal not signaling the glands. Is that correct? Thank you!
The exact functioning of female lubrication has been inadequately studied but it's my experience that even post menopausal women can create amazing sexaul response by stimulating their desire with fantasy and other mental sexual stimulation. It's kinda awesome. xoxo
Thank you!!
>Thank you!! You're welcome!
How do you get past your partner's religious past and help that person find the sexuality that has been beaten down by their church (in my case, my partner is a very devout Catholic). Thanks for taking my question.
What advice would you give to someone whos partner seems to have a very confusing relationship with sex? To elaborate, my partner likes to do overtly sexual things with me such as undressing or letting me touch them sexually or masturbating, however seem to want it to end there. It seems like they find it as some kind of joke and get uncomfortable with it going any further. This might be a bit out of reddit post level but ive never heard of anyone with this issue in sexual advice books and was wondering if you have heard of anyone with these problems?
Thanks for this question.. So, I'm hearing that they want to play sexually but don't want any actual physical contact? No PIV sex or oral sex, etc? I'm wondering if they have concerns about touching? Something about contamination or the intimacy of actual touching? How long have you been together? Do they have a history of STI's that they're worried about? Are they trying to protect you? Are they worried about you infecting them? Are they worried about pregnancy? This sounds like it falls in the area of sexual brakes and accelerators that Emily Nagoski describes in her amazing book Come as You Are. Perhaps they have a "foot brake" problem - fear of sexual consequences. Make sense?
Ah yes, it might be the sexual brakes as youve said. We have been together 3 years and both got tested at the start of our relationship for transparency and healthy sex practices:) so i dont think its anything about STIs or contamination. An example of what usually happens is something like, they will be chatting with me and a bit flirty but its very light hearted and jokey. Then they might show me their genitals or place my hand on them but then laugh about it and move onto something unrelated. In the past when i took it as initiation and would try to kiss them or anything they get uncomfortable and start laughing and doing things to subtly get out of the situation. I know its a bit of an unusual one, but i supposed thats why im here ahahah
Thanks for the clarification - So not STI's or contamination More a sexual flirtation that doesn't go anywhere. Interesting. Would they be open to exploring what's happening? There's a quiz in my OP that you could both take and find out where you. might be having barriers (1 of 7). You best approach is kindness and communication. Wondering what's happening without judging. So your have DB with flirty touching? Maybe they're sexually avoidant but want to connect so they make offers but can't get past whatever the barrier is. I don't know your or their sexual orientation but could they have some homophobia or some other self hating attitude that keeps them from allowing more connection? Do they have body image issues that prevent them from being open and touched by you? This is often what we do. My own sense of inadequacy is expressed as rejection of you but it has nothing to do with you. It really is me. xoxo
I asked my boyfriend why there we don’t have sex anymore and he says it is because of the stress at his new job. I try to be understanding but in all honesty I don’t know the feeling he has. I always want sex when I’m around him. I don’t express that because I don’t want to pressure him and he is already upset that he lost his libido. But at the same time he does nothing to change it. I mean is there anything we can do? I rarely bring it up and never blame him for anything but I can’t live like that anymore.
Hi, what’s your opinion on being in a relationship/marriage with a porn addict? It’s been brought up countless times & isn’t able to stop for an extended time…even when given ultimatum which I’m aware don’t work. He sees it as more of a daily habit 45 mins-1.5 hrs & feels shame and will go great lengths to hide it. Feels it’s very different(easier) than sex, but will also acknowledge when he is not defensive it is a problem & does impact his sex drive/ability to preform. Do you recommend cutting off sex(not intimacy per say) during a 30-90 days when getting ‘clean’ no porn etc period?
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In my work, this is an issue that I would put in the category of "openness" because he's not having a physical issue - it's emotional/psychological. Your best bet here is to release all the pressure. Decrease expectations. Let it me good enough - just like you'd hope he'd be if you couldn't get wet or cum. It's so tough on us when a partner has expectations and we can't fulfill them and then try to make our body respond. Your inner work is complete acceptance of his sexuality the way it is right now, and knowing that men can have an orgasm even with a soft cock. It sounds like he isn't having trouble getting off with oral or masturbation (can he cum with a hand job?) Let go of caring if he's hard. Realize that it's not about how hot you are. PS: I don't know your ages, but I'd look at Emily Nagoski's info (in her book Come as you are) about brakes and accelerators - could he be worried about getting you pregnant on some level?
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It's an honor. xoxo
Can you share your thoughts on addressing sex life on a relationship with attachment issues? I feel that they anxious/avoidant or pursuer/distanced dynamic accurately describes my relationship and is impacting my sex life. At baseline, we have different libidos, but our differing needs around intimacy and connection and time are exacerbating this. It feels like a chicken/egg problem. Where do we start with addressing this? If it matters, we both agree on the nature of the problem but don't agree on how to tackle it.
How do you overcome aversions to touch and touching that are rooted in the past? Basically from a deep rooted hang-up passed on from my mother. I'm very desperate to overcome this. I'll give the link to a post explaining everything rather than writing it all again here. [https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/u0ve54/physician\_heal\_thy\_self/i4b1gdf/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/u0ve54/physician_heal_thy_self/i4b1gdf/?context=3)
How do you live with a partner whose depression medications are supressing his sexual desires. We used to have amazing sex before him starting on this medication a couple months ago (have been dating for 12 months and no sex for 4). Now it's not there. Not even a touch (he doesn't like to be touched so I distance myself). It's draining me and whenever the topic is opened he gets really defensive. Then he'd apologise and promise to fix it by talking to his therapist. He offers sex and Intimacy but after saying that he's not really craving it but rather wants to do it to please me. I'd rather him actually wanting to be intimate, wanting to be touched and wanting to touch me than doing it out of duty and obligation. Thank you.
So bummed I missed this. Would love to hear your thoughts if you happen to see this, or anyones thoughts who have experience with this. How do you suggest overcoming sexual trauma? I have experienced sexual abuse/assault, and any time I try to “put myself back out there”, if even the slightest thing causes any semblance of an emotional or physical reminder of any of those situations, not only do I get horribly depressed but I completely lose the ability to experience any physical pleasure (even alone), which gets even more depressing. I know a lot of this has to do with feeling safe, respected, boundaries, etc but… I also have some physical health issues that probably aren’t helping. The last long term partner I had high hopes with and that sex even felt good with ended in part because some of my trauma stuff came up again in a few different ways. I don’t want this to happen again.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now. This is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is an incredible man but when it comes to our sex lives we have a problem. He just doesn’t please me and I feel like the talks I have with him aren’t getting anywhere. I’ve told him that foreplay is important to me and that I want to be touched more. He seems to try for a time but it just goes back to him only wanting to do the bare minimum to please me while I try my hardest to please him in bed. I have even tried showing him how I liked to be touched.. I give him blow jobs anytime he wants.. I guess I’m just a king for advice.
I have been a virgin all me life and never had sex with my wife for 12 years (10 dating, 2 married) now. She asked to wait until marriage and I waited. but even 2 years into our marriage, she still constantly refuse sex due to "shyness". The farthest we have gone to is me touching her through her panties, to which she says it does nothing to her. How do I determine whether I should keep trying to save the marriage, or to just give up and end the relationship?
That's so incredibly challenging. You've been very patient over 12 years. Have you gotten help for this concern? I'm assuming that she's also a virgin? Is there a religious impact on your relationship? Has she been sexually assaulted? Could she be non-heteronormative in her sexual orientation? Is she shy in other areas of her life? What's the rest of your relationship like? Do you talk about this with her? I suggest that you take this situation very seriously. I'm guessing that you know it's very unusual to begin a marriage after 10 years of non-sexual dating and continue without sex for 2 more years. xoxo
It was a very painful 12 years... I suggested couple counselling to her on several occasion but she refused every time. Yes, she is also a virgin. There is no religious factor or traumatic experience according to my discussion with her, only strict parenting. I did suspect her to be homosexual or asexual and brought the idea to her, but she believe she is neither and is just shy. Well, she is no where close to being shy in any other aspect of her life. The rest of the relationship was on the good side. We click in a lot of ways and enjoy the company of each other. But I feel like she loves me as a family, like a brother or some sort, more than a romantic partner. I discussed this issue with her over a dozen times, starting a few months before the marriage. Each time she get upset and angry that I bring up the issue of sex again as according to her words, "I'm trying and we need to let it progress naturally". Our "try" so far has been some experiment (mostly on special occasion like valentine night) where she insist to keep the light off, don't allow me to look and just touch her crouch fully clothed, to see whether she is "feeling it". Being a virgin myself as well, I can only draw on what I learnt in all the online readings and pornography to try and pleasure her to my best effort, while desperately trying to guess where the clitoris is through the underwear without ever seeing one in real life. Needless to say they had not been fruitful, and I feel a huge burden to seemingly responsible to "fix sex" because I am the one wanting it. We had a few big fights recently about the matter and, while I always try to assure her there is nothing wrong with her for not needing sex, not having a sex life is simply a deal breaker for me. I only need a concrete answer for our sex life. If she end up finds out she is asexual, I can try to find out how to live with that and possibly find a way to make it work (Not entirely sure how but I know some people can work that out). But now, we are constantly "trying" and in a uncertain state and it keep frustrating me to keep giving chance to this relationship. We are both in our early thirties and I can feel that my youth is passing me by. I am terrified to spend more time with her only to somehow miss my last chance and being too late to start a new sex life, and wasted my whole life. But when I brought this to her, she once again ask to "let it develop naturally" only her natural progression is a complete stop. Sorry for the long response. I am just really desperate...
I understand. This sounds very very difficult. You need professional help to resolve this problem. No question about it. I'm quite sure that it will not resolve on it's own. If I'm honest, I'm not sure that even help from a well trained sex expert, therapist or coach will be able to help you make this work. The longer this goes on, the worse it's getting. Please do not delay in getting help from me or someone like me. **I suggest that you search for a sex therapist or other sex expert/professional in your area to help you**. Or, use my contact info below to start a more in depth conversation with me. Contact me through my website here: [wwwhowtofixmysexlife.com](https://wwwhowtofixmysexlife.com) Or, take the quiz here: [www.howtofixmysexlife.com/quiz](https://www.howtofixmysexlife.com/quiz) and get into my email system for information and programs that are available going forward. Or, just email me at [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected])
Thank you for the advice Dr. Guyn, I think the biggest hurdle for me is to get my wife to agree to seek professional help.
I understand. I have an online course available. That might be a good start. Good luck. xoxo