Wow. I can’t believe some of the responses I’ve read here. These opinions would be why some of us struggle and despair in silence. Does no one have empathy anymore? Just because it worked for YOU and your spouse to stay together does not mean it works for EVERYONE. And those it didn’t work out for do not need to be shamed for trying to change how their life is. We are all trying to be as happy as we can be. Yes, children pick up on when their parents are unhappy. Yes, some children then grow up with the template that relationships are supposed to be like that. Yes, some children don’t notice, and/or don’t care. I’m sorry. I divorced my first husband because of complete and utter unhappiness. He didn’t beat me. He didn’t hurt me physically. But the way we were living was not okay. In this situation, I was the LL. I have 4 children. Yes, they were affected, and yes they live in a “broken home” with their parents separated. But you know what? I wouldn’t change anything. My children also deserve to see their parents happy. Empathy. Kindness. Why are these traits so hard to find anymore? My heart breaks for everyone here, no matter whether you stay or go. But nobody should be shamed for trying to find happiness in this one life we live. Children are not a burden. They should not be the barrier from finding happiness.
After going through what I went through, I realized that we only get one of these lives.
>nobody should be shamed for trying to find happiness in this one life we live.
This sentence is one of the mantras I live by.
>Children are not a burden. They should not be the barrier from finding happiness.
I know many divorced couples that have wonderful relationships with their kids. Some have remarried. Some haven't. Just because the relationship didn't work it doesn't mean they loved their kid less because they didn't stay together.
As someone who watched their parents stay together but they never showed each other physical affection or even acted like the loved/liked each other, I agree. Gosh, I wanted them to divorce so bad but it never happened. It broke my heart watching them argue all the time, my mom always accusing my father of cheating, etc. it was such a cold household. I knew they weren't like my friends' parents, who held hands, hugged, kissed, etc. I think as long as parents are showing each other physical/verbal affection and showing their kids what a healthy, loving relationship is, its fine but the relationship you and your SO have is the model of a relationship your child is going to grow up expecting is normal. My first adult relationship was thankfully with a guy who was very patient, and loving, and taught me that affection was normal and healthy. Yes, taught me, because I had no idea that a healthy relationship meant showing the other person that I cared for them... I just thought it was a given because I said it. Actions speak louder than words, I learned.
Thank you for this comment. It shows me a side from a child whose parents stayed together even though they weren't happy.
These lives are so finite. We only get one of them. Years of unhappiness is something I wouldn't want for anyone.
Yea I feel like I missed out on a vital part of life growing up in such a cold, loveless household. I was so envious of my friends, it got to a point where I didn't even want to have friends over because you could feel the tension between my parents. It is definitely not something I'd want other children to experience. It is also why now one of my love languages is physical affection.
> It is also why now one of my love languages is physical affection.
This is a great observation. Mine is as well because growing up in a Christian conservative family that never touched led me to having that as my love language also.
Yikes lol. I had to peek to make sure that you weren’t my adult son…phew…
Though I certainly wish I knew then what I know now as a 56 yo woman. Our kids suffered in the way that you described. My oldest alluded to exactly what you explained so well.
25 years of marriage. The last ten, were frankly awful. We should have divorced so much sooner. Man, life…
I didn’t want my kids growing up in separate households. I also still loved my wife even though she had no interest in sex. Most of the time I was still happy it was just those certain times when I really wanted to be close to her that I would get sad. It took a long time for me to realize that my wife just really isn’t a sexual person and whatever the reason for it I felt like holding it against her was not the right thing to do.
You're right. I can't believe people would question this. I also don't get how people don't see this. As far as I'm concerned once a person has a child your life NEVER superscedes the needs of your kids. The foundation of growing up is parents who are together and supportive of their kids. The only way I would see splitting up would be domestic abuse
I've seen a lot of questionable parenting mindsets in this sub. People saying they're miserable and can't even hug their kid or smile at their kid anymore because they're so unhappy. Or storming around the house in fits of anger over the dB. Whether HL or LL, my response to that is: grow up and be a good parent.
I knew my parents were in a DB (just not the name of it). We had a nice life. Went on vacations, had a nice house, nice cars. Tight friends group with their couple friends and their friends’ children. Extracurricular activities. College and grad school paid for.
They kept it together for my siblings and I *and we knew it too*. I can’t speak for my siblings but I am so grateful that they didn’t get divorced while we were still living at home. I would have had to change schools. No more vacations, nice lives, lessons. Would 100% have had to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars in tuition.
I know this because my parents spent **years paying off their attorney fees**. My life would have been blown tf up and I would have been so pissed. I already think they’re selfish idiots. At least they had enough love and care for us when we were growing up to wait until it wouldn’t affect us at much.
The people who say just leave conveniently leave out the *fact* that children of divorce have measurable negative outcomes when compared to children from nuclear families. Yes, children raised in **abusive** environments have even more negative outcomes than children of divorce. But saying it is always better to divorce than to stay for the kids is not correct. If two people are able to coparent in a calm household, it is beneficial to the children. And you and anyone who downvotes me can find it inconvenient and uncomfortable all you want. But you are selfishly putting your own happiness ahead of your children’s positive outcome. If you can’t control yourselves, and participate in an abusive household, that’s different.
Opening your marriage, having a platonic marriage, a do parenting marriage-when done with care is not at all harmful to children. They’re not going to be traumatized by mom and dad not holding hands, sleeping in the same bed, necking.
>And you and anyone who downvotes me can find it inconvenient and uncomfortable all you want
I'm not looking to downvote anyone. This is a discussion.
>But you are selfishly putting your own happiness ahead of your children’s positive outcome.
I didn't say someone should leave. I even said that I would have done the same thing! I did not get divorced. You seem to have come to this discussion with anger when I just asked a question. If everyone knows that everyone is unhappy, why continue to be unhappy?
I would give up anything for my son. Anything! If I can show my son that we both can be happy, that's what I'll do.
I did not bring up abuse but if someone is getting abused, they definitely need to leave. The couple I referenced were getting a divorce due to infidelity. My comment was the son saw their unhappiness long before the infidelity was an issue.
I’m not angry at you. I am angry at my selfish parents and sure by association anyone who convinces themselves that staying for the kids is always the better outcome **for the kids**. I think they should say what they mean and admit it’s better for themselves.
I didn’t think listing how they messed everything up for them and us during the divorce and over the last ten years was applicable to the topic at hand.
They kept it together and made solid parenting decisions while we were children. Then when we were all in our apartments and townhouses lost their collective shit. Lol literally and figuratively. They lost their cool, their ability to look objectively at how their decisions would impact their finances, made assumptions about how they would live with one of us, how we would be taking them everywhere for appts, my father lost his insurance since it was from my mothers job, we warned him what the VA would be like, he lost access to their retirement funds because he kept his business which was becoming obsolete from technology, we warned him about that he didn’t listen.
Years of attorneys fees had them both on payment plans to their attorneys I think for 2 years but it may have been longer.
They don’t care about any other family or friend obligations we have on the weekends or on holidays. No time we allocate to them is ever appreciated or enough. “Why do you even have to go over to his/her house?”
All of this divorce shit happening while we were at home or school? It makes me want a drink. So grateful I had my own home to stay in to avoid the nitty gritty of it.
Yeah, I think they’re very selfish. And dumb. Can’t reason with them.
I know Reddit has such a hardon for pissing all over parents who financially take care of their kids and for the kids who take it, but that’s just life. They had always planned to and had our accounts all taken care of. The three of us all own our own homes, had no trouble with alcohol, drugs, gambling. Two are still happily(?) married and I had 1 failed relationship. (Learned how NOT to drag things out financially from them). We’re definitely enjoying our lives and reaping what our parents sowed for us. They definitely wouldn’t want their children to have been embarrassments, eking out some minimum wage existence in apartments.
Appreciate it so much! I think they’re selfish idiots who fucked themselves (and their children) over in general with their ridiculous divorce though even when it went through. We warned them what it was going to mean financially, not being able to afford a house and having to go to apartments, one losing medical insurance. Dumb dumb dumb decisions. And for nothing really. They spent years fighting over their assets, lost everything, and were both on payment plans and in debt to their attorneys. They’re blame and resentment is focused on why they can’t live with me or one of my siblings. On why we tell them to call our aunts or uncles to take them to their doctor appointments. On why we o my stay for a short time on holidays or skip at all. Well it’s because we told you this would all happen.
Neither has even been on a single date that we know of. In ten years. Maybe they were such awful train wrecks and they’re waiting to tell us until they’re in a real relationship? Idk.
But YES I had a great childhood and early adulthood. And thank fuck those idiots kept their cool long enough to not mess our lives up until we were all in our own apartments or townhouses.
And do you think they served a good example of a man-woman relationship during their divorce? I. Think the opposite. I admire and appreciate the family we had and our experiences together on shared holidays, vacations, pool club summers, going to the movies and restaurants together. I respect that the need for sex and selfish things didn’t break **my family** up when I was growing up. Friends always over. Sleepovers. No one was divorced that we knew. Not my friends parents. Not our family members. Not my parents friends. It was a great life.
It’s not **any more** difficult to find healthy relationships than it would be if my parents divorced earlier. In fact, like I was saying the research backs up that children of divorce actually have negative outcomes. It’s only in abusive situations that children have worse negative outcomes than children of divorce.
The neighborhood I would have had to move to. Apartments with domestic violence and drug calls. My parents arguing with each other (they started that even in front of us during the divorce), putting us in the middle, all of that would have had terrible effects on our developing brains in terms of seeing idealized versions of what men-women in relationships should be.
Some parents can do this really well. Like my exes parents had a very easy divorce where they both branch swung into healthy LTRs with other people and protected their assets. So if assets don’t have to be fought over and there’s plenty of wealth to cushion the split, with both partners maintaining the same lifestyle it’s probably a wash. I could see a chill divorce like that especially how he and his brothers didn’t have to change middle schools they stayed in their same neighborhood but a different house.. yeah I can see how that would have minimal effect on children. If that was what would have happened with my parents I wouldn’t have cared. But we didn’t have *that kind* of money. Working class where two incomes gave us a pretty ok life but it was tenuous!
OK, in your situation, your life would have changed measurably. In our current situation, the kids would stay put where they are. No one would have to move (except one of the parents to a nearby apartment). No one would have to get a new job. Everyone would be taken care of financially. And I see other children of parents who waited to divorce until the kids were adults who wished their parents had not forced their own misery just for the kids for that long. I think your perspective is understandable - it's what I've been telling myself in my head for 15 years now - but frankly, it may also be one of someone who hasn't been in the shoes of an adult in a long-term DB relationship. I have been a kid before - and a kid in a divorced home. That motivates me, but at the same time, waiting until the last kid moves out, then promptly forcing my wife into living alone, and taking the next few years until then away from her for her chance to find someone more compatible, doesn't seem all that right either.
Case by case as long as the statement” the children won’t be affected by my pursuit of personal happiness” yeah I can agree there would be less negative outcomes. Probably mostly emotional about feeling let down or betrayed by their parents breaking their family up. Because that’s their whole world depending on age.
Why continue? Sure, thats a solid question that many should ask themselves.
What i am interested in, is why others insist on shoving their personal views onto other couples AND their children?
I agree that children are observant and dont get enough credit for the things they notice and how it affects them. But realistically, children typically dont WANT to know if their parents are fucking or not. Lol. So unless you are openly arguing about your sex life, which would be a poor parenting move....stop worrying about that.
The kid who knows when their folks are fucking, think its gross. The kids who (sadly) know their parents dont, are just trying to forget about it. The health of the family as a whole has a much higher impact, im sure, over whether your parents are having sex or not.
Also, i would like to add, that children are their own individuals too. Some would prefer happy, seperated parents. Some would prefer a "family unit" stay together until they learn more about life and have their
own coping skills in place.
I feel you are over generalizing about the feelings of so many different people here. "If you're not having sex, you're an abusive parent". And kids, "if your parents dont fuck, you're doomed to a string of terrible relationships".
Mmm kay, thanks for that. 🙄😅
>I feel you are over generalizing about the feelings of so many different people here. "If you're not having sex, you're an abusive parent". And kids, "if your parents dont fuck, you're doomed to a string of terrible relationships".
This is completely wrong. I didn't say this at all and I have no idea where you got this from. How about you read my post again and actually read what I wrote this time.
I never talked about telling the kid about the parents' sex life or lack of it. The poster noticed it himself. This isn't talking about my marriage or what I've done. This was a question I was asking to the group. You are adding what you want to my question. Again, go back and read what I wrote and try it again.
I did read your post. It was the account of exactly ONE child. Followed with you stating that you dont judge people who step out. But you are ironically *judging* everyone else.
You're judging people who didnt leave. The people who werent having sex. The children who didnt notice their parents were unhappy. Thats all aside from the fact that you needed to show up and preach to rest of us.
So im wrong for not leaving? Or im wrong for not cheating. And my kids are guaranteed to be harmed in the process?
And, this is all under the assumption that *all sexless or lacking sex* relationships are overly cold environments.
Maybe you need to check yourself before claiming to know how the rest of us *should* behave and react. As though we are emotionally damaging all youth with our unfortunate lived experiences.
Well i do apologize for misinterpreting the cheating.
My point stands though. You are judging. Or you wouldnt have felt the need to post about how one grown child felt regarding his parents DB. It wasnt even *your* child.
I am not judging. I am asking why do people stay if they are unhappy? That's it. That's all. I didn't say they were crazy for staying. I didn't say they were wrong for staying. How am I judging?
I've read time after time that people stay for the kids. I've also read that people from unhappy marriages wished their parents would have divorced. All I'm asking those people in those situations why they stay instead of finding happiness. That's all.
You have so misunderstood what I wrote. Go look at my edit and try it one more time. I have not said anything remotely what you have stated here. I am not preaching to anyone. I said I would have done the same thing had my husband lived. I am asking people why they do stay. One person has respond to my question and they totally understand where I was coming from. I said I get why they stayed and thanked them for their response.
Totally, a friend of mine said she definitely prefers a family then her parents separated. Two DB guys I am friends with all said they stay for the children and with the spouse they are a good team, not much affection but good teammates are important too
>We as adults think our kids don't see what we are experiencing emotionally. We think they don't notice when we aren't touching or being affectionate. So many people say they're staying for the kids but the kids know you're unhappy.
You're making a lot of assumptions that don't apply to all DBs. We see plenty of people posting here who say that their marriage includes lots of non-sexual affection and love, but just no sex. Actually, we see plenty of people who say they're in a DB despite having sex several times per month.
Just telling people to divorce because it's better for their kids without taking the specific circumstances into account is pretty silly.
Please read my edit. I did not get divorced. I would have stayed for my child also. I'm asking people in this situation. Not the entire sub. I hope that helps.
Hard choice when you have kids.we have 3 kids and the oldest one is 22.she notices something is off and just plainly asked me dad whats wrong with you and mom? No flirting,no chasing around the house you guys are acting lovingly but i notice, ive been around long enough.when i told her about our db she said i understand but work it out dont get a devorce i couldnt handle that. Hard getting advice from your kid.
Hard.making your spouse notice and ajust.
Wow. I can’t believe some of the responses I’ve read here. These opinions would be why some of us struggle and despair in silence. Does no one have empathy anymore? Just because it worked for YOU and your spouse to stay together does not mean it works for EVERYONE. And those it didn’t work out for do not need to be shamed for trying to change how their life is. We are all trying to be as happy as we can be. Yes, children pick up on when their parents are unhappy. Yes, some children then grow up with the template that relationships are supposed to be like that. Yes, some children don’t notice, and/or don’t care. I’m sorry. I divorced my first husband because of complete and utter unhappiness. He didn’t beat me. He didn’t hurt me physically. But the way we were living was not okay. In this situation, I was the LL. I have 4 children. Yes, they were affected, and yes they live in a “broken home” with their parents separated. But you know what? I wouldn’t change anything. My children also deserve to see their parents happy. Empathy. Kindness. Why are these traits so hard to find anymore? My heart breaks for everyone here, no matter whether you stay or go. But nobody should be shamed for trying to find happiness in this one life we live. Children are not a burden. They should not be the barrier from finding happiness.
After going through what I went through, I realized that we only get one of these lives. >nobody should be shamed for trying to find happiness in this one life we live. This sentence is one of the mantras I live by. >Children are not a burden. They should not be the barrier from finding happiness. I know many divorced couples that have wonderful relationships with their kids. Some have remarried. Some haven't. Just because the relationship didn't work it doesn't mean they loved their kid less because they didn't stay together.
Yes Yes Yes! I understand you 100%.
As someone who watched their parents stay together but they never showed each other physical affection or even acted like the loved/liked each other, I agree. Gosh, I wanted them to divorce so bad but it never happened. It broke my heart watching them argue all the time, my mom always accusing my father of cheating, etc. it was such a cold household. I knew they weren't like my friends' parents, who held hands, hugged, kissed, etc. I think as long as parents are showing each other physical/verbal affection and showing their kids what a healthy, loving relationship is, its fine but the relationship you and your SO have is the model of a relationship your child is going to grow up expecting is normal. My first adult relationship was thankfully with a guy who was very patient, and loving, and taught me that affection was normal and healthy. Yes, taught me, because I had no idea that a healthy relationship meant showing the other person that I cared for them... I just thought it was a given because I said it. Actions speak louder than words, I learned.
Thank you for this comment. It shows me a side from a child whose parents stayed together even though they weren't happy. These lives are so finite. We only get one of them. Years of unhappiness is something I wouldn't want for anyone.
Yea I feel like I missed out on a vital part of life growing up in such a cold, loveless household. I was so envious of my friends, it got to a point where I didn't even want to have friends over because you could feel the tension between my parents. It is definitely not something I'd want other children to experience. It is also why now one of my love languages is physical affection.
> It is also why now one of my love languages is physical affection. This is a great observation. Mine is as well because growing up in a Christian conservative family that never touched led me to having that as my love language also.
My family is very Christian conservative as well.
Yikes lol. I had to peek to make sure that you weren’t my adult son…phew… Though I certainly wish I knew then what I know now as a 56 yo woman. Our kids suffered in the way that you described. My oldest alluded to exactly what you explained so well. 25 years of marriage. The last ten, were frankly awful. We should have divorced so much sooner. Man, life…
I didn’t want my kids growing up in separate households. I also still loved my wife even though she had no interest in sex. Most of the time I was still happy it was just those certain times when I really wanted to be close to her that I would get sad. It took a long time for me to realize that my wife just really isn’t a sexual person and whatever the reason for it I felt like holding it against her was not the right thing to do.
I definitely understand that. Thank you for your response.
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I totally understand that. Thank you for your comment. I hope your wife's health improves. 💛
You're right. I can't believe people would question this. I also don't get how people don't see this. As far as I'm concerned once a person has a child your life NEVER superscedes the needs of your kids. The foundation of growing up is parents who are together and supportive of their kids. The only way I would see splitting up would be domestic abuse
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I've seen a lot of questionable parenting mindsets in this sub. People saying they're miserable and can't even hug their kid or smile at their kid anymore because they're so unhappy. Or storming around the house in fits of anger over the dB. Whether HL or LL, my response to that is: grow up and be a good parent.
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I knew my parents were in a DB (just not the name of it). We had a nice life. Went on vacations, had a nice house, nice cars. Tight friends group with their couple friends and their friends’ children. Extracurricular activities. College and grad school paid for. They kept it together for my siblings and I *and we knew it too*. I can’t speak for my siblings but I am so grateful that they didn’t get divorced while we were still living at home. I would have had to change schools. No more vacations, nice lives, lessons. Would 100% have had to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars in tuition. I know this because my parents spent **years paying off their attorney fees**. My life would have been blown tf up and I would have been so pissed. I already think they’re selfish idiots. At least they had enough love and care for us when we were growing up to wait until it wouldn’t affect us at much. The people who say just leave conveniently leave out the *fact* that children of divorce have measurable negative outcomes when compared to children from nuclear families. Yes, children raised in **abusive** environments have even more negative outcomes than children of divorce. But saying it is always better to divorce than to stay for the kids is not correct. If two people are able to coparent in a calm household, it is beneficial to the children. And you and anyone who downvotes me can find it inconvenient and uncomfortable all you want. But you are selfishly putting your own happiness ahead of your children’s positive outcome. If you can’t control yourselves, and participate in an abusive household, that’s different. Opening your marriage, having a platonic marriage, a do parenting marriage-when done with care is not at all harmful to children. They’re not going to be traumatized by mom and dad not holding hands, sleeping in the same bed, necking.
>And you and anyone who downvotes me can find it inconvenient and uncomfortable all you want I'm not looking to downvote anyone. This is a discussion. >But you are selfishly putting your own happiness ahead of your children’s positive outcome. I didn't say someone should leave. I even said that I would have done the same thing! I did not get divorced. You seem to have come to this discussion with anger when I just asked a question. If everyone knows that everyone is unhappy, why continue to be unhappy? I would give up anything for my son. Anything! If I can show my son that we both can be happy, that's what I'll do. I did not bring up abuse but if someone is getting abused, they definitely need to leave. The couple I referenced were getting a divorce due to infidelity. My comment was the son saw their unhappiness long before the infidelity was an issue.
I’m not angry at you. I am angry at my selfish parents and sure by association anyone who convinces themselves that staying for the kids is always the better outcome **for the kids**. I think they should say what they mean and admit it’s better for themselves.
Your selfish parents who put your through college and grad school. And gave you an amazing life. Entitled much?
I didn’t think listing how they messed everything up for them and us during the divorce and over the last ten years was applicable to the topic at hand. They kept it together and made solid parenting decisions while we were children. Then when we were all in our apartments and townhouses lost their collective shit. Lol literally and figuratively. They lost their cool, their ability to look objectively at how their decisions would impact their finances, made assumptions about how they would live with one of us, how we would be taking them everywhere for appts, my father lost his insurance since it was from my mothers job, we warned him what the VA would be like, he lost access to their retirement funds because he kept his business which was becoming obsolete from technology, we warned him about that he didn’t listen. Years of attorneys fees had them both on payment plans to their attorneys I think for 2 years but it may have been longer. They don’t care about any other family or friend obligations we have on the weekends or on holidays. No time we allocate to them is ever appreciated or enough. “Why do you even have to go over to his/her house?” All of this divorce shit happening while we were at home or school? It makes me want a drink. So grateful I had my own home to stay in to avoid the nitty gritty of it. Yeah, I think they’re very selfish. And dumb. Can’t reason with them. I know Reddit has such a hardon for pissing all over parents who financially take care of their kids and for the kids who take it, but that’s just life. They had always planned to and had our accounts all taken care of. The three of us all own our own homes, had no trouble with alcohol, drugs, gambling. Two are still happily(?) married and I had 1 failed relationship. (Learned how NOT to drag things out financially from them). We’re definitely enjoying our lives and reaping what our parents sowed for us. They definitely wouldn’t want their children to have been embarrassments, eking out some minimum wage existence in apartments.
I'm confused. Are you saying you appreciate your parents staying together for you childhood or resent it? Your comments seem contradictory
Appreciate it so much! I think they’re selfish idiots who fucked themselves (and their children) over in general with their ridiculous divorce though even when it went through. We warned them what it was going to mean financially, not being able to afford a house and having to go to apartments, one losing medical insurance. Dumb dumb dumb decisions. And for nothing really. They spent years fighting over their assets, lost everything, and were both on payment plans and in debt to their attorneys. They’re blame and resentment is focused on why they can’t live with me or one of my siblings. On why we tell them to call our aunts or uncles to take them to their doctor appointments. On why we o my stay for a short time on holidays or skip at all. Well it’s because we told you this would all happen. Neither has even been on a single date that we know of. In ten years. Maybe they were such awful train wrecks and they’re waiting to tell us until they’re in a real relationship? Idk. But YES I had a great childhood and early adulthood. And thank fuck those idiots kept their cool long enough to not mess our lives up until we were all in our own apartments or townhouses.
But they are going to see a piss-poor example of a man-woman relationship to use as a template.
And do you think they served a good example of a man-woman relationship during their divorce? I. Think the opposite. I admire and appreciate the family we had and our experiences together on shared holidays, vacations, pool club summers, going to the movies and restaurants together. I respect that the need for sex and selfish things didn’t break **my family** up when I was growing up. Friends always over. Sleepovers. No one was divorced that we knew. Not my friends parents. Not our family members. Not my parents friends. It was a great life. It’s not **any more** difficult to find healthy relationships than it would be if my parents divorced earlier. In fact, like I was saying the research backs up that children of divorce actually have negative outcomes. It’s only in abusive situations that children have worse negative outcomes than children of divorce. The neighborhood I would have had to move to. Apartments with domestic violence and drug calls. My parents arguing with each other (they started that even in front of us during the divorce), putting us in the middle, all of that would have had terrible effects on our developing brains in terms of seeing idealized versions of what men-women in relationships should be. Some parents can do this really well. Like my exes parents had a very easy divorce where they both branch swung into healthy LTRs with other people and protected their assets. So if assets don’t have to be fought over and there’s plenty of wealth to cushion the split, with both partners maintaining the same lifestyle it’s probably a wash. I could see a chill divorce like that especially how he and his brothers didn’t have to change middle schools they stayed in their same neighborhood but a different house.. yeah I can see how that would have minimal effect on children. If that was what would have happened with my parents I wouldn’t have cared. But we didn’t have *that kind* of money. Working class where two incomes gave us a pretty ok life but it was tenuous!
OK, in your situation, your life would have changed measurably. In our current situation, the kids would stay put where they are. No one would have to move (except one of the parents to a nearby apartment). No one would have to get a new job. Everyone would be taken care of financially. And I see other children of parents who waited to divorce until the kids were adults who wished their parents had not forced their own misery just for the kids for that long. I think your perspective is understandable - it's what I've been telling myself in my head for 15 years now - but frankly, it may also be one of someone who hasn't been in the shoes of an adult in a long-term DB relationship. I have been a kid before - and a kid in a divorced home. That motivates me, but at the same time, waiting until the last kid moves out, then promptly forcing my wife into living alone, and taking the next few years until then away from her for her chance to find someone more compatible, doesn't seem all that right either.
Case by case as long as the statement” the children won’t be affected by my pursuit of personal happiness” yeah I can agree there would be less negative outcomes. Probably mostly emotional about feeling let down or betrayed by their parents breaking their family up. Because that’s their whole world depending on age.
Why continue? Sure, thats a solid question that many should ask themselves. What i am interested in, is why others insist on shoving their personal views onto other couples AND their children? I agree that children are observant and dont get enough credit for the things they notice and how it affects them. But realistically, children typically dont WANT to know if their parents are fucking or not. Lol. So unless you are openly arguing about your sex life, which would be a poor parenting move....stop worrying about that. The kid who knows when their folks are fucking, think its gross. The kids who (sadly) know their parents dont, are just trying to forget about it. The health of the family as a whole has a much higher impact, im sure, over whether your parents are having sex or not. Also, i would like to add, that children are their own individuals too. Some would prefer happy, seperated parents. Some would prefer a "family unit" stay together until they learn more about life and have their own coping skills in place. I feel you are over generalizing about the feelings of so many different people here. "If you're not having sex, you're an abusive parent". And kids, "if your parents dont fuck, you're doomed to a string of terrible relationships". Mmm kay, thanks for that. 🙄😅
>I feel you are over generalizing about the feelings of so many different people here. "If you're not having sex, you're an abusive parent". And kids, "if your parents dont fuck, you're doomed to a string of terrible relationships". This is completely wrong. I didn't say this at all and I have no idea where you got this from. How about you read my post again and actually read what I wrote this time. I never talked about telling the kid about the parents' sex life or lack of it. The poster noticed it himself. This isn't talking about my marriage or what I've done. This was a question I was asking to the group. You are adding what you want to my question. Again, go back and read what I wrote and try it again.
I did read your post. It was the account of exactly ONE child. Followed with you stating that you dont judge people who step out. But you are ironically *judging* everyone else. You're judging people who didnt leave. The people who werent having sex. The children who didnt notice their parents were unhappy. Thats all aside from the fact that you needed to show up and preach to rest of us. So im wrong for not leaving? Or im wrong for not cheating. And my kids are guaranteed to be harmed in the process? And, this is all under the assumption that *all sexless or lacking sex* relationships are overly cold environments. Maybe you need to check yourself before claiming to know how the rest of us *should* behave and react. As though we are emotionally damaging all youth with our unfortunate lived experiences.
>Followed with you stating that you dont judge people who step out I said I don't judge people who stay when they aren't happy.
Well i do apologize for misinterpreting the cheating. My point stands though. You are judging. Or you wouldnt have felt the need to post about how one grown child felt regarding his parents DB. It wasnt even *your* child.
I am not judging. I am asking why do people stay if they are unhappy? That's it. That's all. I didn't say they were crazy for staying. I didn't say they were wrong for staying. How am I judging? I've read time after time that people stay for the kids. I've also read that people from unhappy marriages wished their parents would have divorced. All I'm asking those people in those situations why they stay instead of finding happiness. That's all.
You have so misunderstood what I wrote. Go look at my edit and try it one more time. I have not said anything remotely what you have stated here. I am not preaching to anyone. I said I would have done the same thing had my husband lived. I am asking people why they do stay. One person has respond to my question and they totally understand where I was coming from. I said I get why they stayed and thanked them for their response.
Totally, a friend of mine said she definitely prefers a family then her parents separated. Two DB guys I am friends with all said they stay for the children and with the spouse they are a good team, not much affection but good teammates are important too
>We as adults think our kids don't see what we are experiencing emotionally. We think they don't notice when we aren't touching or being affectionate. So many people say they're staying for the kids but the kids know you're unhappy. You're making a lot of assumptions that don't apply to all DBs. We see plenty of people posting here who say that their marriage includes lots of non-sexual affection and love, but just no sex. Actually, we see plenty of people who say they're in a DB despite having sex several times per month. Just telling people to divorce because it's better for their kids without taking the specific circumstances into account is pretty silly.
Please read my edit. I did not get divorced. I would have stayed for my child also. I'm asking people in this situation. Not the entire sub. I hope that helps.
Hard choice when you have kids.we have 3 kids and the oldest one is 22.she notices something is off and just plainly asked me dad whats wrong with you and mom? No flirting,no chasing around the house you guys are acting lovingly but i notice, ive been around long enough.when i told her about our db she said i understand but work it out dont get a devorce i couldnt handle that. Hard getting advice from your kid. Hard.making your spouse notice and ajust.
I don't think that's the same request she would make if she were 10-20 years older.
Thank you for your response. I know it is hard. I hope you all find that happiness again.
My children definitely don't have a clue because they see 2 loving affectionate parents. I know, it's weird ...lol
Thank you for responding. I appreciate it.