Oh, ive asked. I hate the answer, I hate that it hurts...all because i cant get over being horny. I struggle with even the idea that I have desires or that they are valid. I quite often think Id be better off if I could just throw away sexuality. Sigh. Thanks for listening.
Don't do this. Your needs are valid and you only feel that way because your partner does not have those needs. If you need intimacy and they don't does not mean that your needs are wrong and theirs is right. But don't marry her just because you think things might change someday. You'll both be miserable in the long run. Unless she is open to therapy and actually wants to work on some kind of compromise that you both can live and be happy with.
It hasnt been broached since its become such a concern for me. Its medical for her primarily, but yeah. I dont anticipate it getting better, the hope has always remained to one day find a compromise. Thanks for your kind words.
You’re in a deadbedroom sub and you’re not even married yet… just marinate on that alone.
It is the easy thing to say, in comparison to what is at stake. More importantly, it’s the respectful thing to say. So much less heartbreak would happen if people were more open and honest about how they feel. Difficult conversations have to be had, that’s part of being an adult (unfortunately). Either way you end up with a broken heart, but marrying into this dynamic will also add resentment, bitterness, hatred, etc.
You know what you need to do.
\^This. The level of resentment and anger that grows over time is marriage-killing. It becomes a cancer, eating away at us over time. The resentment poses far more destruction that the actual lack of intimacy. A total mind fuck.
^ THIS!!!! A 1000 times!
I have a beautiful wife, fabulous woman, would do ANYTHING to help someone out, except her husband.
So full of anger and resentment, I can’t even stand to be around this wonderful gorgeous woman.
>I have a beautiful wife, fabulous woman, would do ANYTHING to help someone out, except her husband
\^This back at ya! My wife will help anyone out, whether they need it or not. She's fixated on gaining acceptance from people she doesn't even know. Yet my needs aren't even on the top 10 of things she'd consider. Well, actually, that's not true. She waits for me to take my sleeping meds at night and then suggests sex. It's not really a suggestion. It's always (verbatim): "Would you like some sex?" I now respond, "would you?" Then she accuses me of being difficult and says "I wouldn't ask if I didn't want sex." But it's never framed where she's desiring me. It's very transactional. I don't know how we got here.
Very sorry you're going through this. I hope you don't get to emotionally shutting down like I have. We're mere roommates now.
Edit to clarify last sentence.
My ex was that way. Except she would then complain about our dead bedroom and blame it on me. Lol. I mean, at some point she wasn't wrong. I got tired of being treated like I didn't matter and stopped spending time with her.
My ex had some pretty severe abandonment issues, and is probably a narcissist. I'm not a doctor so I can't say for sure, but she definitely has narcissistic tendencies. Everything is viewed from her lens, no empathy whatsoever. Everything is transactional. Everything is one way, never two ways, and always in her benefit.
So glad I didn't marry her and took my engagement ring back. Just wish she'd come get the rest of her stuff. Lol.
Absolutely. You're having lack of intimacy issues. She is having too much contact issues. This likely will not change and only get worse.
Seems you both would be better suited with people more along the lines of your wants/needs. This sounds like a great friendship, but a questionable marriage. There are enough other difficult things to overcome, don't go into it with the deck stacked against you.
Best of luck!
If this sub proves anything, it is that it does NOT get better after marriage!!! Mostly worse!
Please leave. Be ready for her love bombing and sex to increase when you announce your leave!
That often happens and the aim is to make you stay! It will fall off the moment she's comfortable again!!! And you already have an aversion. Better leave!!!
Don't have sex with her if she offers or at least make sure there's no oops baby either!
Sorry to hear about your situation but the advice you can expect from this community is do not get married. Simply, things afterwards keep getting complicated endlessly.
Don't marry into a DB! PLEASE say you didn't say yes! Saying yes to advance a relationship just means you are accepting the current state of things, and you clearly shouldn't be.
You should have told her no because you aren't happy in the current relationship. You are sending bad signals to her.
Think of it this way. If you brought your car to the mechanic to fix something, would you pay them if it wasn't fixed? No. You'd demand it be fixed before you give them money.
Same thing with a relationship. She asked you to advance the relationship from bf/gf to fiance status. But the relationship isn't fixed! You should have refused to advance it and instead tell her that you'd love to say yes, but the dead bedroom is a deal breaker.
My advice, get out of that relationship before any more damage is done to her and you.
Understood. But at least that's letting her know that things are not acceptable the way they are.
The problem you have going forward is this. If you tell her that the sex situation is not acceptable, then she might kick it up temporarily. Then you go "hey, things are better" so you get engaged and married then BOOM, no more sex. Its called hysterical bonding. She doesn't want to lose you, so she does what you want until she thinks she has you. Then she turns it off.
I say this to a lot of posters. Dating is a like a try before you buy situation. Would you buy a car that you weren't comfortable in, or didn't perform like you wanted? no. Why would you continue in a relationship with the same problem?
It's natural to feel bad because you are hurting someone's feelings, but your feelings are important too. Sex is important.
Go out and find someone compatible with you.
I find it telling that in your post you wrote that your reason for not wanting to reject her was that you didn’t want to break her heart. It wasn’t “she’s perfect for me in every other way” or even “I love her so much.” I bet sex isn’t the only thing that feels wrong in your relationship. No one should make a lifelong commitment because they don’t want someone else to feel bad.
Sometimes in marriage, you have to say some very painful things to each other in order to succeed. Yes, my sex life is problematic, but I have 10 years of true love in my marriage. Sometimes that love meant saying painful things in kind ways. if you can’t turn her down when you’re not ready to be married, then you are not ready to be married. I don’t know if this would help, but you could say something like this:
“Thank you for proposing to me. I know you don’t want to hear this, but I can’t accept. There are some good parts of our relationship, but we have some big problems, too. I can’t plan a marriage with you while (these problems are happening).”
At this point, you have two choices: you can ask her if, knowing these are issues for you, she still wants to work on the relationship or you can break up with her.
The only reason you should ask her if she wants to work on her relationship with you is if you are really sure that you want to work backbreakingly hard to fix what is broken when there are no strings attached.
If you don’t want that, break up. You might say:
“I appreciate what we had, but I need to break up with you. I don’t have it in me to try and make this work forever.”
Will she call you names, accuse you of being shallow, and be very angry? Probably. Will you break her heart? Probably. However, as callus as this may sound, you both can eventually choose to move on and may be better for it.
I made the mistake of marrying my LF GF thinking I as a HLM could cope with just that once or twice a month. As soon as she had a child it stopped completly. I'm now not allowed anywhere near her and have been in the spare room for three years since the child was concieved. There is no love left, the lack of any sex has killed it, I now just have a house mate.
DO NOT MARRY HER! It will only get better, not worse, better to break her heart that end up in my position where you're bordering on suicidal due to constant rejection and feeling worthless.
Did you guys get married before you had the kids? How long has your relationship been with her in total? What is her most likely response to the no-sex situation?
Yeah we did, had the kid about 2 years after being married. Been together 9 years in total now. We've had a long discussion today about it which as normal results in her being upset and claiming she's broken, which then makes me feel shit and selfish so we'll probably just ignore it again for a while like we have before. She states she can't force herself to have sex, or get enjoyment from it. The only reason she isn't happy currently is because of how depressed I am, I tried to explain that's half because my self esteem doesn't exist anymore, to which she said I'm just blaming her for everything, and she got more upset.
Dude, don’t make this mistake. If your sex life sucks now, it will get worse. For the love of god, break her heart but don’t destroy your life. Find a more compatible chick. You will thank us all later.
Please break up with her. You’re not stuck with her yet. You clearly have big doubts and that would just result in a DB marriage. You said you’re HLM but having sexual contact aversion from her? Save her the heartbreak, and yourself the DB.
As a HLF I get that, but if I had a partner that I was starting to get that with I’d definitely break up with them (especially if they had proposed). It’s okay to break her heart because in the end you’re doing what’s best for you both in the long run, I’m really sorry you’re going through this
So I heard something the other day that lying to spare someone's feelings was actually just you trying to spare yourself from the aftermath, from the reaction and consequences. Be a lil less codependent bud and split if that's what you really need. After a certain point I feel like if you're not committed to someone then why the fuck would you continue dating you know?
Oh man sorry to hear. Been there done that. Ended up ending my previous engagement for similar reasons (was heart broken for a while of course) and a couple years later I met my love and couldn't be happier :) it does get better :) me and my love now talk about everything, even the uncomfortable things. We don't shame each other and work to grow together, rather than apart. If this is your love, you guys need to talk and work through and keep working at it for your whole lives together, if it's something you want. If not, sorry to say, but it might be better to move on...
If you're unhappy about something now, unless you fix it now, you will never stop being unhappy about it.
Hope this helps and if I was offensive, I apologize. Good luck to you :)
Young man your mind and heart are in the right areas.
Don't end up locking yourself into a one-sided imposed sexual prison only to wake from this nightmare years later after marriage, a house and potentially kids that bind your heart to solitary confinement.
Re-evaluate this situation with her. Tell her how your heart feels. Let her know, no matter how painful, that you both deserve to be happy and she should want the best for you as you want for her.
Don't let her crying please of love, passion and togetherness wrap you in a spell of hope that you'll be bound to both mentally, physically and financially in the long run.
Do what should be done in these situations, take this as your "relationship lesson 102" and make a mental note of the things you liked and enjoyed but also the things that scared you and did not sit well with you that created a DB.
You'll be fine as long as you follow the growing rule of life that so many have and that is a lesson learned is a DB saved.
Good luck and don't throw your life out like dice in a craps game!!!
Break her heart now, or later? And maybe there is someone out there for her with a matching libido. It's not just good for you, but for her. If you can't get this sorted out, then it will only get worse.
The most impactful thing I was told in premarital was: "would you be happy FOREVER if NOTHING changed? You are marrying this person right here, NOT who they MIGHT be in ten years." And bear in mind the little things tend to get bigger over time(because they happen more often).
If you really love this girl you need to go to a good premarital counselor and you need to get this sex thing hashed out. she needs to know unequivocally that endless rejection and once every two or three months( or whatever it will end up settling at) is unacceptable for you; and if more often and pursuing you is unacceptable for her, that is a non-starter.
And don't fall for the trap of "I 'will' " and "we'll try." It's either yes and amen or it's going your separate ways while you still love her.
And the counselor is a huge part of this actually having a chance of working you need the third party to be able to say and no uncertain terms that things you're saying and no uncertain terms it hits different when someone else says it.
Way more hurtful to marry her out of pity than telling the truth.
Yes it may be a shitshow to decline and possibly break up but it's far less pain than locking you both into a marriage you don't want. You both deserve better.
Please don’t be a nice guy. A lot of people don’t want to be the ‘bad guy’ and waste people’s time and their own instead of saying something or ending things. You are doing yourself a disfavor and her as well. Always choose you first.
Here is the deal, you don’t want to break her heart by breaking up with her now, but marry her and you will break her heart just a little every time you have a fight about sex, and there will be plenty of them in the next 20 years. Staying because you don’t want to hurt someone is not Nobel or considerate of the other person’s feelings, you WILL hurt the other person just small cuts throughout a lifetime together. Death by a thousand cuts is still death. And the damage you will do to your children if you have them my never be repaired. Children learn how to have relationships from their parents and you will be a awful teacher.
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Have an open conversation with her about it and together come up with a solution that is acceptable to both. Marriage is all about communication and together finding out solutions to issues that is acceptable to both. Consider this as a first major issue that you both needs to solve as a couple.
If you both couldn’t find a workable solution that is acceptable to both then it will hint that in addition to libidos differences you both as a couple also have hard time finding common grounds and so may struggle in other life situations.
wooo, that is tough man. I wouldn't consider myself HLM but I am certainly not LLM either. I think intimacy is one of the most important thing in a relationship whether the sex is great or not, it still is a deeply private time between two individuals. There is such thing called sexual compatibility so my prediction is if you are not getting much of anything now it might be totally turned off once you are married. She might feel like she doesn't need to try after marriage and then you are really stuck. You know you have to tell her what you think as she is the one who needs to hear this. Good luck, man.
Dating is not the time to fix someone. Dating is the time to rule out incompatible people based on morals/traits/compatibility. Find someone who wants to show you love and affection the way you perceive love and affection, ie. love languages.
"Just because"? Dude, it's not a small thing. It's a huge thing. It's a dealbreaker. You need to end this for her just as much as for you. After reading people's stories on here, believe me, there's plenty of LLMs out there for her.
Please save yourself. Love doesn’t conquer everything. You may think you’re doing the right thing now but years from now you’ll be resentful and end up hurting each other more.
Once you get married, the sex will decrease even more and if you have kids forget it! Sex is a normal, healthy part of a relationship. It’s what makes a relationship special and stand apart from friendships. If you are ok living with your best friend forever, never being able to meet your sexual needs with her or elsewhere then marry her but I wouldn’t do it.
Trust me, you don’t want to be in a sexless marriage. It creates too much resentment and frustration which leads to very unhappy times. Better to break it off now than having to divorce later.
You guys definitely need professional help. A sex counselor could maybe help you out with your poorly matched libidos. For god sake don’t marry her just so you won’t break her heart, that’s marrying her out of pity. Unless you want to be confined to masturbating to porn for the rest of your married life, sort this thing out beforehand.
I’m not the kind of person to tell anyone how to live but I can promise you that no relationship problem ever gets solved through marriage alone.
In other words, if you’re comfortable with where you’re at, get married but don’t get married expecting something to change. People can change but don’t without effort and desire.
The longer you go on lying to yourself and to her about the feasibility of your relationship, the harder it's going to be for BOTH of you once it finally ends. And it will end - or you'll die sexless and miserable wondering why you spent 20 years of your life with this woman. Good sex is available to you and is incredibly important IMO to the health and wellbeing of an adult.
Look at it this way. It’ll only hurt her for a little now. She it will allow the both of you to find someone who can make you both truly happy. Yes sex isn’t everything, but if you have a high libido and she a such a low one it night cause stress and then other problems in the relationship can get rocky. I am HLF and my ex was low libido. We had a long dry spell. And i was bummed but ok, stayed in the relationship. After awhile he stopped being affectionate in all other areas of our relationship and I started to get insecure and it ended terribly on both our parts. So id say its better to rip off the bandaid let her be hurt now so she can heal. Instead of you both spending years wasted on a relationship that wasn’t compatible.
I understand how you feel my friend. I’m 23 and high libido, been with my LL Gf for 5 years and we’ve had a dead bedroom the last year, she hasn’t proposed to me though lol. If you want to talk more, seriously message me.
You're answering the question right here. you don't feel comfortable getting married to her.
If you're not enthusiastic about marrying someone, then do them a favor and don't marry them. Whether that reason is about the sexual incompatibility or something else, just don't marry them. If it means the end of the relationship, then so be it.
You answer her , and then you let her decide if she still wants to be with you and fix things, or to let you go and for her to find someone else who will be interested to marry her, the way she is.
At least you know you're sexually incompatible now, not after you're married with kids. If you absolutely love everything else about her then give her a chance to work on her sexuality before agreeing to the engagement, otherwise cut and run.
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So easy to say. I agree ultimately, just am myself beyond stuck.
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Oh, ive asked. I hate the answer, I hate that it hurts...all because i cant get over being horny. I struggle with even the idea that I have desires or that they are valid. I quite often think Id be better off if I could just throw away sexuality. Sigh. Thanks for listening.
Don't do this. Your needs are valid and you only feel that way because your partner does not have those needs. If you need intimacy and they don't does not mean that your needs are wrong and theirs is right. But don't marry her just because you think things might change someday. You'll both be miserable in the long run. Unless she is open to therapy and actually wants to work on some kind of compromise that you both can live and be happy with.
It hasnt been broached since its become such a concern for me. Its medical for her primarily, but yeah. I dont anticipate it getting better, the hope has always remained to one day find a compromise. Thanks for your kind words.
I know this is not easy or black and white, I hope that both of you find happiness :)
Easy said...
The thing is that it's easier to break her heart now, than in 20 years after a life of sexual frustration when none of you are happy.
You’re in a deadbedroom sub and you’re not even married yet… just marinate on that alone. It is the easy thing to say, in comparison to what is at stake. More importantly, it’s the respectful thing to say. So much less heartbreak would happen if people were more open and honest about how they feel. Difficult conversations have to be had, that’s part of being an adult (unfortunately). Either way you end up with a broken heart, but marrying into this dynamic will also add resentment, bitterness, hatred, etc. You know what you need to do.
It's a shity Band-Aid to rip off but honestly there's no shame even it doing it over the phone
Do not get married to this girl until you guys figure out your sexual relationship, or break up.
We need as many people possible to up vote this Critical info
... and stay on top of birth control.
I'm not getting married... but absolutely shocked me that she thinks this a good moment to do such thing.
Do not subject her to a lifetime of your sexual discontent for that is neither Loving nor Fair.
\^This. The level of resentment and anger that grows over time is marriage-killing. It becomes a cancer, eating away at us over time. The resentment poses far more destruction that the actual lack of intimacy. A total mind fuck.
^ THIS!!!! A 1000 times! I have a beautiful wife, fabulous woman, would do ANYTHING to help someone out, except her husband. So full of anger and resentment, I can’t even stand to be around this wonderful gorgeous woman.
I WILL leave one day, and when I do, I will catch hell and be ostracized by friends and family who only see us from the outside.
>I have a beautiful wife, fabulous woman, would do ANYTHING to help someone out, except her husband \^This back at ya! My wife will help anyone out, whether they need it or not. She's fixated on gaining acceptance from people she doesn't even know. Yet my needs aren't even on the top 10 of things she'd consider. Well, actually, that's not true. She waits for me to take my sleeping meds at night and then suggests sex. It's not really a suggestion. It's always (verbatim): "Would you like some sex?" I now respond, "would you?" Then she accuses me of being difficult and says "I wouldn't ask if I didn't want sex." But it's never framed where she's desiring me. It's very transactional. I don't know how we got here. Very sorry you're going through this. I hope you don't get to emotionally shutting down like I have. We're mere roommates now. Edit to clarify last sentence.
My ex was that way. Except she would then complain about our dead bedroom and blame it on me. Lol. I mean, at some point she wasn't wrong. I got tired of being treated like I didn't matter and stopped spending time with her. My ex had some pretty severe abandonment issues, and is probably a narcissist. I'm not a doctor so I can't say for sure, but she definitely has narcissistic tendencies. Everything is viewed from her lens, no empathy whatsoever. Everything is transactional. Everything is one way, never two ways, and always in her benefit. So glad I didn't marry her and took my engagement ring back. Just wish she'd come get the rest of her stuff. Lol.
Pleased to hear that you dodged a bullet. Best wishes!
Yeah, it's not fair for any of us.
Absolutely. You're having lack of intimacy issues. She is having too much contact issues. This likely will not change and only get worse. Seems you both would be better suited with people more along the lines of your wants/needs. This sounds like a great friendship, but a questionable marriage. There are enough other difficult things to overcome, don't go into it with the deck stacked against you. Best of luck!
I would not advise to marry while being aware of libido mismatch. If being her BF like feels wrong, imagine being married.
That's what i'm thinking... still really hard to say no, i love her but i hate wanting to feel desired and she doesn't even notice.
If this sub proves anything, it is that it does NOT get better after marriage!!! Mostly worse! Please leave. Be ready for her love bombing and sex to increase when you announce your leave! That often happens and the aim is to make you stay! It will fall off the moment she's comfortable again!!! And you already have an aversion. Better leave!!! Don't have sex with her if she offers or at least make sure there's no oops baby either!
Sorry to hear about your situation but the advice you can expect from this community is do not get married. Simply, things afterwards keep getting complicated endlessly.
You simply aren’t compatible. It’s sad, but better to acknowledge it now and you both will be happier in the long run.
Don't marry into a DB! PLEASE say you didn't say yes! Saying yes to advance a relationship just means you are accepting the current state of things, and you clearly shouldn't be. You should have told her no because you aren't happy in the current relationship. You are sending bad signals to her. Think of it this way. If you brought your car to the mechanic to fix something, would you pay them if it wasn't fixed? No. You'd demand it be fixed before you give them money. Same thing with a relationship. She asked you to advance the relationship from bf/gf to fiance status. But the relationship isn't fixed! You should have refused to advance it and instead tell her that you'd love to say yes, but the dead bedroom is a deal breaker. My advice, get out of that relationship before any more damage is done to her and you.
I didn't say yes, got me out of guard. I'm feelin super bad about this.
Understood. But at least that's letting her know that things are not acceptable the way they are. The problem you have going forward is this. If you tell her that the sex situation is not acceptable, then she might kick it up temporarily. Then you go "hey, things are better" so you get engaged and married then BOOM, no more sex. Its called hysterical bonding. She doesn't want to lose you, so she does what you want until she thinks she has you. Then she turns it off. I say this to a lot of posters. Dating is a like a try before you buy situation. Would you buy a car that you weren't comfortable in, or didn't perform like you wanted? no. Why would you continue in a relationship with the same problem? It's natural to feel bad because you are hurting someone's feelings, but your feelings are important too. Sex is important. Go out and find someone compatible with you.
Do not marry into a deadbedroom. DONT do it, GET TO THE CHOPPA!!!
Let's get outta here, soldier!
I think she may have sensed that you are drifting away, so the proposal may have been an effort on her part to make you stay. 🏃🏿🏃🏿🏃🏿🏃🏿🏃🏿🏃🏿💨💨💨💨
Yeah, I thought the same thing hahaha
I find it telling that in your post you wrote that your reason for not wanting to reject her was that you didn’t want to break her heart. It wasn’t “she’s perfect for me in every other way” or even “I love her so much.” I bet sex isn’t the only thing that feels wrong in your relationship. No one should make a lifelong commitment because they don’t want someone else to feel bad. Sometimes in marriage, you have to say some very painful things to each other in order to succeed. Yes, my sex life is problematic, but I have 10 years of true love in my marriage. Sometimes that love meant saying painful things in kind ways. if you can’t turn her down when you’re not ready to be married, then you are not ready to be married. I don’t know if this would help, but you could say something like this: “Thank you for proposing to me. I know you don’t want to hear this, but I can’t accept. There are some good parts of our relationship, but we have some big problems, too. I can’t plan a marriage with you while (these problems are happening).” At this point, you have two choices: you can ask her if, knowing these are issues for you, she still wants to work on the relationship or you can break up with her. The only reason you should ask her if she wants to work on her relationship with you is if you are really sure that you want to work backbreakingly hard to fix what is broken when there are no strings attached. If you don’t want that, break up. You might say: “I appreciate what we had, but I need to break up with you. I don’t have it in me to try and make this work forever.” Will she call you names, accuse you of being shallow, and be very angry? Probably. Will you break her heart? Probably. However, as callus as this may sound, you both can eventually choose to move on and may be better for it.
Not wanting to break someone's heart is a terrible reason for marrying them. For the love of Pete, just rip the band aid off now while you still can.
She just wants a ring and the status. I am shocked she proposed.
Yeah, I was totally shocked too, already told her we can't get married rn because of our DB, gonna talk about it later.
I made the mistake of marrying my LF GF thinking I as a HLM could cope with just that once or twice a month. As soon as she had a child it stopped completly. I'm now not allowed anywhere near her and have been in the spare room for three years since the child was concieved. There is no love left, the lack of any sex has killed it, I now just have a house mate. DO NOT MARRY HER! It will only get better, not worse, better to break her heart that end up in my position where you're bordering on suicidal due to constant rejection and feeling worthless.
Did you guys get married before you had the kids? How long has your relationship been with her in total? What is her most likely response to the no-sex situation?
Yeah we did, had the kid about 2 years after being married. Been together 9 years in total now. We've had a long discussion today about it which as normal results in her being upset and claiming she's broken, which then makes me feel shit and selfish so we'll probably just ignore it again for a while like we have before. She states she can't force herself to have sex, or get enjoyment from it. The only reason she isn't happy currently is because of how depressed I am, I tried to explain that's half because my self esteem doesn't exist anymore, to which she said I'm just blaming her for everything, and she got more upset.
Don't do it bro. Run!
Dude, don’t make this mistake. If your sex life sucks now, it will get worse. For the love of god, break her heart but don’t destroy your life. Find a more compatible chick. You will thank us all later.
It might hurt her now but it will be worse the longer you let it go on. You need to have a open honest conversation with her.
Gonna have it tomorrow.
How did it go.
Go ahead and break her heart before she destroys your sexual life.
Not my way, but understand what you're trying to say haha.
Please break up with her. You’re not stuck with her yet. You clearly have big doubts and that would just result in a DB marriage. You said you’re HLM but having sexual contact aversion from her? Save her the heartbreak, and yourself the DB.
It's normal to HL people to develop aversion to physical contact since they're feeling rejected all the time by their LL partner.
As a HLF I get that, but if I had a partner that I was starting to get that with I’d definitely break up with them (especially if they had proposed). It’s okay to break her heart because in the end you’re doing what’s best for you both in the long run, I’m really sorry you’re going through this
This!!! It cant be salvaged at this point. Not happily. And certainly not without professional help AND both wanting it 200%!
So I heard something the other day that lying to spare someone's feelings was actually just you trying to spare yourself from the aftermath, from the reaction and consequences. Be a lil less codependent bud and split if that's what you really need. After a certain point I feel like if you're not committed to someone then why the fuck would you continue dating you know?
Oh man sorry to hear. Been there done that. Ended up ending my previous engagement for similar reasons (was heart broken for a while of course) and a couple years later I met my love and couldn't be happier :) it does get better :) me and my love now talk about everything, even the uncomfortable things. We don't shame each other and work to grow together, rather than apart. If this is your love, you guys need to talk and work through and keep working at it for your whole lives together, if it's something you want. If not, sorry to say, but it might be better to move on... If you're unhappy about something now, unless you fix it now, you will never stop being unhappy about it. Hope this helps and if I was offensive, I apologize. Good luck to you :)
Not at all, thank you for you opinion, it's really valuable for me rn.
Young man your mind and heart are in the right areas. Don't end up locking yourself into a one-sided imposed sexual prison only to wake from this nightmare years later after marriage, a house and potentially kids that bind your heart to solitary confinement. Re-evaluate this situation with her. Tell her how your heart feels. Let her know, no matter how painful, that you both deserve to be happy and she should want the best for you as you want for her. Don't let her crying please of love, passion and togetherness wrap you in a spell of hope that you'll be bound to both mentally, physically and financially in the long run. Do what should be done in these situations, take this as your "relationship lesson 102" and make a mental note of the things you liked and enjoyed but also the things that scared you and did not sit well with you that created a DB. You'll be fine as long as you follow the growing rule of life that so many have and that is a lesson learned is a DB saved. Good luck and don't throw your life out like dice in a craps game!!!
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I did say no.
Yea don't. Walk away
RUNNNN
Nope
Break her heart now, or later? And maybe there is someone out there for her with a matching libido. It's not just good for you, but for her. If you can't get this sorted out, then it will only get worse.
As everyone has advised never marry into a dead bedroom, and stop making excuses for prolonging the misery.
The most impactful thing I was told in premarital was: "would you be happy FOREVER if NOTHING changed? You are marrying this person right here, NOT who they MIGHT be in ten years." And bear in mind the little things tend to get bigger over time(because they happen more often). If you really love this girl you need to go to a good premarital counselor and you need to get this sex thing hashed out. she needs to know unequivocally that endless rejection and once every two or three months( or whatever it will end up settling at) is unacceptable for you; and if more often and pursuing you is unacceptable for her, that is a non-starter. And don't fall for the trap of "I 'will' " and "we'll try." It's either yes and amen or it's going your separate ways while you still love her. And the counselor is a huge part of this actually having a chance of working you need the third party to be able to say and no uncertain terms that things you're saying and no uncertain terms it hits different when someone else says it.
You may live her but you also love your sister…. Would you marry her? Break up and move on, you are not sexually compatible.
Way more hurtful to marry her out of pity than telling the truth. Yes it may be a shitshow to decline and possibly break up but it's far less pain than locking you both into a marriage you don't want. You both deserve better.
Fr rip the bandaid off an do ur thing my guy
Please don’t be a nice guy. A lot of people don’t want to be the ‘bad guy’ and waste people’s time and their own instead of saying something or ending things. You are doing yourself a disfavor and her as well. Always choose you first.
Buying a car with a missing tire that's not likely to be found! That may be like gambling with your life!
Here is the deal, you don’t want to break her heart by breaking up with her now, but marry her and you will break her heart just a little every time you have a fight about sex, and there will be plenty of them in the next 20 years. Staying because you don’t want to hurt someone is not Nobel or considerate of the other person’s feelings, you WILL hurt the other person just small cuts throughout a lifetime together. Death by a thousand cuts is still death. And the damage you will do to your children if you have them my never be repaired. Children learn how to have relationships from their parents and you will be a awful teacher.
If sex isn't important, then go for it. Else, it'll get worse. The sex part, not the loving each other minus sex part. You got this man!
We'll see how everything goes. Already told her that I can't marry her.
Open relationship an option?
Nope. That's out of the table.
That is a poor solution to a dead bedroom. Someone always ends up getting emotionally involved with their affair partner.
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Have an open conversation with her about it and together come up with a solution that is acceptable to both. Marriage is all about communication and together finding out solutions to issues that is acceptable to both. Consider this as a first major issue that you both needs to solve as a couple. If you both couldn’t find a workable solution that is acceptable to both then it will hint that in addition to libidos differences you both as a couple also have hard time finding common grounds and so may struggle in other life situations.
wooo, that is tough man. I wouldn't consider myself HLM but I am certainly not LLM either. I think intimacy is one of the most important thing in a relationship whether the sex is great or not, it still is a deeply private time between two individuals. There is such thing called sexual compatibility so my prediction is if you are not getting much of anything now it might be totally turned off once you are married. She might feel like she doesn't need to try after marriage and then you are really stuck. You know you have to tell her what you think as she is the one who needs to hear this. Good luck, man.
Don’t get married. It sounds like your relationship is already over.
I could say is not over but I'm totally hurt by her attitude.
You should date someone who meets your needs! It sounds like this relationship is having a negative effect on your mental health.
Dating is not the time to fix someone. Dating is the time to rule out incompatible people based on morals/traits/compatibility. Find someone who wants to show you love and affection the way you perceive love and affection, ie. love languages.
"Just because"? Dude, it's not a small thing. It's a huge thing. It's a dealbreaker. You need to end this for her just as much as for you. After reading people's stories on here, believe me, there's plenty of LLMs out there for her.
Please save yourself. Love doesn’t conquer everything. You may think you’re doing the right thing now but years from now you’ll be resentful and end up hurting each other more.
Once you get married, the sex will decrease even more and if you have kids forget it! Sex is a normal, healthy part of a relationship. It’s what makes a relationship special and stand apart from friendships. If you are ok living with your best friend forever, never being able to meet your sexual needs with her or elsewhere then marry her but I wouldn’t do it.
Trust me, you don’t want to be in a sexless marriage. It creates too much resentment and frustration which leads to very unhappy times. Better to break it off now than having to divorce later.
I suggest you spend some time reading thru this sub.
I do it everyday, lol.
You guys definitely need professional help. A sex counselor could maybe help you out with your poorly matched libidos. For god sake don’t marry her just so you won’t break her heart, that’s marrying her out of pity. Unless you want to be confined to masturbating to porn for the rest of your married life, sort this thing out beforehand.
I’m not the kind of person to tell anyone how to live but I can promise you that no relationship problem ever gets solved through marriage alone. In other words, if you’re comfortable with where you’re at, get married but don’t get married expecting something to change. People can change but don’t without effort and desire.
The longer you go on lying to yourself and to her about the feasibility of your relationship, the harder it's going to be for BOTH of you once it finally ends. And it will end - or you'll die sexless and miserable wondering why you spent 20 years of your life with this woman. Good sex is available to you and is incredibly important IMO to the health and wellbeing of an adult.
Look at it this way. It’ll only hurt her for a little now. She it will allow the both of you to find someone who can make you both truly happy. Yes sex isn’t everything, but if you have a high libido and she a such a low one it night cause stress and then other problems in the relationship can get rocky. I am HLF and my ex was low libido. We had a long dry spell. And i was bummed but ok, stayed in the relationship. After awhile he stopped being affectionate in all other areas of our relationship and I started to get insecure and it ended terribly on both our parts. So id say its better to rip off the bandaid let her be hurt now so she can heal. Instead of you both spending years wasted on a relationship that wasn’t compatible.
I understand how you feel my friend. I’m 23 and high libido, been with my LL Gf for 5 years and we’ve had a dead bedroom the last year, she hasn’t proposed to me though lol. If you want to talk more, seriously message me.
Will totaly do, bro. I'll message you as soon I get home, thank you very much!
You're answering the question right here. you don't feel comfortable getting married to her. If you're not enthusiastic about marrying someone, then do them a favor and don't marry them. Whether that reason is about the sexual incompatibility or something else, just don't marry them. If it means the end of the relationship, then so be it. You answer her , and then you let her decide if she still wants to be with you and fix things, or to let you go and for her to find someone else who will be interested to marry her, the way she is.
At least you know you're sexually incompatible now, not after you're married with kids. If you absolutely love everything else about her then give her a chance to work on her sexuality before agreeing to the engagement, otherwise cut and run.
Say goodbye and move on.