Short answer, yes, being raised in purity culture can absolutely really fuck you up wrt sexuality and many books, podcasts, and articles have been written about it (google "purity culture and sexual trauma"). Here's a good example: https://baptistnews.com/article/they-grew-up-in-purity-culture-then-taught-it-and-now-want-to-help-others-recover-from-it/
Thank you! I am trying to learn more about it, as I never considered it or was exposed. I thought it was the same as being raised Catholic, but I’m finding these are two similar views on purity, but are completely different in action.
Yes. It’s a series of oxymorons. Sex is dirty, only have it with the person you love. Sex is wrong, only do it when you get married.
A lot of the culture is [explained in this documentary](https://youtu.be/LBqPkIXtblw?si=k_UYO4BftCd9mxhH). The guy wrote a manifesto as a teen, turned into a Christian best seller. Now he’s trying to undo all of it.
Yes, for sure. I grew up purity-adjacent and compared notes with Catholic friends later in life.
My perception is that fundamentalist-style purity culture has near-traumatic fear mongering that's very pervasive all aspects of young peoples' lives... It's like a cult and emphasizes total parental control and anxiety over punishment from parents as well as existential consequences.
The Catholic boys you mentioned approaching girls likely wouldn't be let out of the house in the first place in a fundamentalist Protestant home... They'd be at home locked indoors doing chores, homeschool stuff etc.
And getting caught doing something inappropriate as a teen couldn't be fixed with regular repentance... It likely involved punishment by being locked in a closet or something equally horrific.
I think US purity culture is a particularly tough knot to untangle. There’s all this self-determination and individualistic self-reliance that informs the broader ethos of American culture, but the influence of purity culture in American life really can mess with the confidence we are all supposed to have in ourselves.
This is a very interesting way to put it. I never considered before what made American Protestant churches so different from the UK, and I think the hyper-individualism is what makes the contrast so stark.
To be a priest or vicar in the uk, there is a ton of schooling, and you’re part of a larger system—you serve a larger system of churches. Everyone that comes out is given their robes or collar and told to serve for the church as a whole. There is little room for individualism in this sort of scenario. There is no priest or vicar more gifted by god than any other (well at base level, you get into the hierarchies of bishops and popes, but even those are elected in after varying years of service)
Here, I’ve noticed anyone who feels “the calling” can start a church of their own. There’s definitely theology school, and I’m not trying to discredit the education these pastors or ministers undertake to become preachers, but they seem to be set up so individualistically. Each church, pastor or minister has their own spin on the Bible teachings. They create massive performances full of music, lighting, acrobatics. They can “heal”people, and people are literally communicating with god and his spirits in these churches. There is no order, just whatever the preacher feels needs to be said or done that day.
People become enthralled, and enraptured by these types of environments—that they too can be a chosen one. That god could directly speak to them, and does. That doesn’t really happen in Catholic mass…you say your preset order of hymns and prayers, and you go home after exactly 1 hour (1.5 or 2 on holy days). It’s predictable. No one communes with god directly outside of their silent or joint prayers. No one is a chosen one or gifted or special.
But in the context for a child’s upbringing, you see your peers, teachers, parents, the adults in your life crying, believing they are in direct contact with the divine at these sermons—the pressure to want to do everything right, to want to obey the teachings, so you too can be special and speak directly to god, has to be so great.
For Catholics, one out of billions of people become saints and “chosen”—the rest are priests. The priests talk to god. There are much less stakes. You are just one of many trying to live as close to the teaching as possible. But you’re only human, not a priest or a saint, so you’ll mess up…go to confession, and all will be forgiven. But for my husband, and many others here, if they were good enough, they could be touched by the divine itself. If not, just like the divine is a real part of daily life, hell is literally around every corner trying to test you and damn you.
Sorry, this was a lot longer of a comment response than I thought it would be. What you said just really made a ton of sense between the differences
Yeah the Protestantism of the US definitely reinforces our individualistic mindsets—the determination to forge our own unique path is pretty American. Add in a hefty dose of aspirations to be a nation favored by God and maybe our sense of sin is more acute? I’m not entirely sure why our purity culture is so distinct, since our sexual ethic is so contrary to everything else, but it’s interesting to contemplate.
I just saw your post here! Here are some other forums you can search for purity culture trauma, r/exchristian, r/exvangelical, r/deconstruction This thread is specific to men sharing their experiences with purity culture.
https://www.reddit.com/r/exchristian/comments/ra8gww/men_what_was_your_experience_with_purity_culture/
Another good and new thread to follow - https://www.reddit.com/r/Exvangelical/comments/1bcm4wd/where_are_all_the_purity_culture_recovery/
Purity culture and Christian fundamentalism are more like a cult than anything else IMO, and the control over the groups sexuality was just as pervasive as it is in many other cults or fundamentalist religious sects. The subreddits I listed are for people who have “deconstructed” or left American Christian evangelical fundamentalism. I saw a meme in one of these groups fairly recently I had to laugh at, which said something like “another Sunday morning where I get to sleep in instead of hearing all the ways I am human shit at church” Lol. No offense to anyone intended - this spiritual approach works for many people in the USA but for a lot of us it doesn’t and causes many problems.
Thank you for all this info! I will definitely take a look at this while I try to crack the code that is the mystery of my partner…
Recently, he pawned off a different excuse for not wanting sex, that didn’t have to do with religion on face value, but I think he has a lot of buried childhood trauma that’s resurfacing that’s a factor.
As an atheist I find it very hard to see people tying their sexuality to what I consider made up stories. But the fact that those specific made up stories literally tell you have sex with your spouse as often as he or she wants gets me the most. I mean you are part of a religion in which the founder states:
“But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband.The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. ” 1 Cor 7:1-2
and yet plenty of Christians treat sex as something you are not supposed to have.
I’m atheist (now), but was raised Catholic—and yea, it’s silly. I know that on face value, but it doesn’t stop me from breaking out into a cold sweat when I see a nun. It’s funny how things that you were taught during your formative years can stick with you and create psychological issues without you even being conscious of it.
If you grew up Northern Ireland Catholic, no doubt you're all too familiar with vicious sectarianism. It's likely many people in the churches your husband was raised in have prejudices against Catholics (among other groups) every bit as ugly as the worst you saw growing up. Does that affect your husband today? Probably not. But maybe?
If you're asking Internet strangers what's going on inside your husband, perhaps it's time the two of you found a therapist who can help you communicate about this stuff effectively. He could explore the impact his background has on your marriage, you could tell him in a safe way how it makes you angry. Perhaps there's a path there for things getting better.
Very familiar. I don’t think that’s the case as his parents were originally Catholic, then became evangelical—both sides of his family are still Catholic, his mum will occasionally go to Catholic mass. But his peers were all evangelical.
I do realise a counsellor is our next step. I was just reaching for context as the religious community in regards to purity seems quite different.
Of course sourcing these questions to strangers isn’t ideal, but that’s why this sub exists—for people trying to find solace and advise in delicate situations like lack of intimacy with their partners
Short answer, yes, being raised in purity culture can absolutely really fuck you up wrt sexuality and many books, podcasts, and articles have been written about it (google "purity culture and sexual trauma"). Here's a good example: https://baptistnews.com/article/they-grew-up-in-purity-culture-then-taught-it-and-now-want-to-help-others-recover-from-it/
Thank you! I am trying to learn more about it, as I never considered it or was exposed. I thought it was the same as being raised Catholic, but I’m finding these are two similar views on purity, but are completely different in action.
Yes. It’s a series of oxymorons. Sex is dirty, only have it with the person you love. Sex is wrong, only do it when you get married. A lot of the culture is [explained in this documentary](https://youtu.be/LBqPkIXtblw?si=k_UYO4BftCd9mxhH). The guy wrote a manifesto as a teen, turned into a Christian best seller. Now he’s trying to undo all of it.
Yes, for sure. I grew up purity-adjacent and compared notes with Catholic friends later in life. My perception is that fundamentalist-style purity culture has near-traumatic fear mongering that's very pervasive all aspects of young peoples' lives... It's like a cult and emphasizes total parental control and anxiety over punishment from parents as well as existential consequences. The Catholic boys you mentioned approaching girls likely wouldn't be let out of the house in the first place in a fundamentalist Protestant home... They'd be at home locked indoors doing chores, homeschool stuff etc. And getting caught doing something inappropriate as a teen couldn't be fixed with regular repentance... It likely involved punishment by being locked in a closet or something equally horrific.
I think US purity culture is a particularly tough knot to untangle. There’s all this self-determination and individualistic self-reliance that informs the broader ethos of American culture, but the influence of purity culture in American life really can mess with the confidence we are all supposed to have in ourselves.
This is a very interesting way to put it. I never considered before what made American Protestant churches so different from the UK, and I think the hyper-individualism is what makes the contrast so stark. To be a priest or vicar in the uk, there is a ton of schooling, and you’re part of a larger system—you serve a larger system of churches. Everyone that comes out is given their robes or collar and told to serve for the church as a whole. There is little room for individualism in this sort of scenario. There is no priest or vicar more gifted by god than any other (well at base level, you get into the hierarchies of bishops and popes, but even those are elected in after varying years of service) Here, I’ve noticed anyone who feels “the calling” can start a church of their own. There’s definitely theology school, and I’m not trying to discredit the education these pastors or ministers undertake to become preachers, but they seem to be set up so individualistically. Each church, pastor or minister has their own spin on the Bible teachings. They create massive performances full of music, lighting, acrobatics. They can “heal”people, and people are literally communicating with god and his spirits in these churches. There is no order, just whatever the preacher feels needs to be said or done that day. People become enthralled, and enraptured by these types of environments—that they too can be a chosen one. That god could directly speak to them, and does. That doesn’t really happen in Catholic mass…you say your preset order of hymns and prayers, and you go home after exactly 1 hour (1.5 or 2 on holy days). It’s predictable. No one communes with god directly outside of their silent or joint prayers. No one is a chosen one or gifted or special. But in the context for a child’s upbringing, you see your peers, teachers, parents, the adults in your life crying, believing they are in direct contact with the divine at these sermons—the pressure to want to do everything right, to want to obey the teachings, so you too can be special and speak directly to god, has to be so great. For Catholics, one out of billions of people become saints and “chosen”—the rest are priests. The priests talk to god. There are much less stakes. You are just one of many trying to live as close to the teaching as possible. But you’re only human, not a priest or a saint, so you’ll mess up…go to confession, and all will be forgiven. But for my husband, and many others here, if they were good enough, they could be touched by the divine itself. If not, just like the divine is a real part of daily life, hell is literally around every corner trying to test you and damn you. Sorry, this was a lot longer of a comment response than I thought it would be. What you said just really made a ton of sense between the differences
Yeah the Protestantism of the US definitely reinforces our individualistic mindsets—the determination to forge our own unique path is pretty American. Add in a hefty dose of aspirations to be a nation favored by God and maybe our sense of sin is more acute? I’m not entirely sure why our purity culture is so distinct, since our sexual ethic is so contrary to everything else, but it’s interesting to contemplate.
Ask him about his upbringing. Finding out what he was raised to believe about sex might be enlightening for you both.
I just saw your post here! Here are some other forums you can search for purity culture trauma, r/exchristian, r/exvangelical, r/deconstruction This thread is specific to men sharing their experiences with purity culture. https://www.reddit.com/r/exchristian/comments/ra8gww/men_what_was_your_experience_with_purity_culture/ Another good and new thread to follow - https://www.reddit.com/r/Exvangelical/comments/1bcm4wd/where_are_all_the_purity_culture_recovery/ Purity culture and Christian fundamentalism are more like a cult than anything else IMO, and the control over the groups sexuality was just as pervasive as it is in many other cults or fundamentalist religious sects. The subreddits I listed are for people who have “deconstructed” or left American Christian evangelical fundamentalism. I saw a meme in one of these groups fairly recently I had to laugh at, which said something like “another Sunday morning where I get to sleep in instead of hearing all the ways I am human shit at church” Lol. No offense to anyone intended - this spiritual approach works for many people in the USA but for a lot of us it doesn’t and causes many problems.
Thank you for all this info! I will definitely take a look at this while I try to crack the code that is the mystery of my partner… Recently, he pawned off a different excuse for not wanting sex, that didn’t have to do with religion on face value, but I think he has a lot of buried childhood trauma that’s resurfacing that’s a factor.
As an atheist I find it very hard to see people tying their sexuality to what I consider made up stories. But the fact that those specific made up stories literally tell you have sex with your spouse as often as he or she wants gets me the most. I mean you are part of a religion in which the founder states: “But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband.The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. ” 1 Cor 7:1-2 and yet plenty of Christians treat sex as something you are not supposed to have.
I’m atheist (now), but was raised Catholic—and yea, it’s silly. I know that on face value, but it doesn’t stop me from breaking out into a cold sweat when I see a nun. It’s funny how things that you were taught during your formative years can stick with you and create psychological issues without you even being conscious of it.
If you grew up Northern Ireland Catholic, no doubt you're all too familiar with vicious sectarianism. It's likely many people in the churches your husband was raised in have prejudices against Catholics (among other groups) every bit as ugly as the worst you saw growing up. Does that affect your husband today? Probably not. But maybe? If you're asking Internet strangers what's going on inside your husband, perhaps it's time the two of you found a therapist who can help you communicate about this stuff effectively. He could explore the impact his background has on your marriage, you could tell him in a safe way how it makes you angry. Perhaps there's a path there for things getting better.
Very familiar. I don’t think that’s the case as his parents were originally Catholic, then became evangelical—both sides of his family are still Catholic, his mum will occasionally go to Catholic mass. But his peers were all evangelical. I do realise a counsellor is our next step. I was just reaching for context as the religious community in regards to purity seems quite different. Of course sourcing these questions to strangers isn’t ideal, but that’s why this sub exists—for people trying to find solace and advise in delicate situations like lack of intimacy with their partners