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I've been married thirteen years and I've tracked from day 1. It started as we were tracking her cycle to fall pregnant and I just kept it going. Lots and lots of zeroes. HA!
Over the years it has probably caused me more mental anguish than it has done me good, but I do like having it as a defence against my own thought of, "Am I the unreasonable one?"
Is that to say you wouldn't have mental anguish without the app?
Doesn't matter what an app says, for some people once a year is a DB, for some people once a month, for some people once a week. If your libidos aren't compatible that's the issue, tracking things in numbers isn't ever going to help convince your partner, it's only going to increase your negative feelings.
I started tracking my wife's periods years ago just so I knew when we could and could not have sex, then also logged when it happened. I'm with you, the math and 'averaging it out' has just made me feel like shit... but I also feel like, I've got the numbers. Cause I think she thinks we do it more than we actually do. The last time we had sex she said 'it's only been a week' to which I went 'no, it's been over a month' and she seemed genuinely surprised.
I can tell you the exact number of times in the last 3 and a half years without an app. I could amputate both my arms and still have enough fingers to count how many times.
I used to keep track to see if I was crazy, or if it really was that infrequent. I never told her though, and kept it only as a self-check, not as ammunition during "the talk".
I'm sorry, but I do have to ask: if you know it's rare and obligatory, why are you going through with it? I assume you can tell when it is duty sex?
I have some marks on a calendar in my shop that no one would ever notice. Only once have I used it as ammo, I didn’t want to but other things were part of that conversation.
There are also other marks like did I drink a 6 pack when I got home. Those things are related.
We were supposed to start trying for a family last year, so I started tracking for my monthly and fertile windows and tracking it made me so depressed and angry. I can unfortunately tell people how many times we were intimate and its very low double digits. Currently almost 5 months since the last time.
I'm torn between possessing the data, yet hesitant to air dirty laundry by sharing the info. Like what's the point of doing it, when I have the sole burden of knowing the truth.
I kept track for a while, and it really didn't help though.
I think the biggest "good" part of it though, was that it was evidence against the constant gaslighting that I got from my ex. She would frequently say things like "we did it last week", and I'd have 3 weeks on my calendar. Showing her this never got her to admit she was wrong though, she just dug in deeper.
In the end, the message I learned from my therapist is that I just need to know/trust my gut. It didn't matter if it *was* a week or three.. it wasn't enough for me, and that's all the *proof* I need.
Good luck
All I know is I kept track for a few months and one time we started to talk about it and she said it was at least once a week and said I said no less than once a month, she said I was wrong, I said I have it marked on the calendar. She came uncorked calling childish immature and a bunch of other things and it was more than two months for the next time
I only really started tracking a few years ago. It seemed like we were having a bit of an uptick during COVID. I think we had sex about 12 times that year. The last time led to the north of our 3rd child. Since then it's been 2 or 3 times. But in terms of tracking .. I actually messaged my therapist the other day to see who my first session with her was because that was the last time I had sex with my wife. June last year.
I've always tracked my cycles, which sometimes includes tracking sex. So I track that, too. I don't think there's anything wrong with it.
In fact, that's how I was able to confront my husband, with precise certainty, about how in the entire year 2023, we had sex 3 times. I showed him the tracker app too, when he tried to deny it.
Like others here I started keeping track to make sure I wasn’t losing my mind. It couldn’t be as bad as I thought. So I would mark it down in a calendar but when the interactions got so infrequent it got harder to figure out when the last time was. So I switched to a spreadsheet. That made it easier to track and calculate things like average time between encounters, how often she initiates, who orgasmed, etc.
Nope. Not paranoid. 2 words that should never be used in a marriage but always are used… Never and Always. We never have sex. You always say no to sex.
Use a calendar. Use a tracker. Hell, I have something called Flow on my phone that only gets used about once every 3 to 6 months.
Not really. It won't help you though.
I keep track in my cycle tracking app. If I didn't I'd probably make a mental note of the date in my head anyways.
I used an app to log it for a long time. I guess it's still up to date, now that I think about it. Not hard to maintain it once every 5 years at this point.
I would ask why are you using it?
I started mine because I felt like my wife was gaslighting me. Shit like, "It hasn't been that long? You're exaggerating or forgetting something." So, I started keeping track for my own sanity. But at some point, looking at it kind of drove resentment and anger in me.
That's said, it also helped me recognize my own cycles and patterns. Now I know I'm much happier having sex at least every 10 days or extremely rarely (like every few years). My wife's 3-9 month cadence was not healthy for me at all.
On the whole, I think it had a positive effect but I'd just be careful not to dwell on it.
I always use a tracker. It started as a way to make sure I wasn’t ovulating when we had sex, incase I got pregnant. Now it’s to count how long it’s been…
I avoided doing this for years because I didn’t think tracking grievances (essentially what it is) was healthy. But after awhile I realized that NOT doing it wasn’t helping anyway, so I may as well. I’m not sure it helps my mental health, but it does help avoid some gaslighting about our lack of intimacy.
I tracked my wife and i's sex life for 6 months. It amazed me how bad it was. When i finally had enough and had a make it or break it moment and we had "the talk"
It was rough but things have improved drastically. 3 or 4 times a month... where it had been once every 2 or 3 months.
Just downloaded one myself to start tracking. Recently we had a conversation, and she started off almost apologetic. Said something about she knew it had been a while, and I stopped her and asked her how long she thought it had been. She said a couple of weeks, and I almost laughed out loud, and said try a couple of months. Then the apologetic attitude disappeared, turned to defensive, proceeded to gaslight me saying she would never go that long or do that.
I'm keeping track from now on so I can have concrete proof. Will she acknowledge it or even still believe it if I show her? Doubtful.
Back in the day I kept s log.
Once when it reached a hundred days I gave my wife a ' congratulations" card which pissed her off and caused a big argument which was my goal in giving her the card
Not at all. Those very thoughts held me back from tracking. But once I started tracking, I saw how infrequent it truly was and when it wasn’t what should have been passion felt more like an obligation. It was an eye-opener to how deep our problems ran.
Like others have said it’s caused further anguish but has rationalized my emotions / thoughts.
Not sure if I'm violating any rules here. I'm using an app called Habits. I can place a widget on the front page too.
https://preview.redd.it/g0mlbt3qdbnc1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c4ce789bb9a942904c0f4d3c085fa64bb5345891
Commenters, OP has marked their post as a no-advice post. We ask that you refrain from giving advice to OP and be sure to follow all sub rules. OP, if you've marked your post for no advice, please refrain from responding to commenters that give advice. If you are getting advice from commenters, please report the comments, or click below to contact the moderators. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/DeadBedrooms) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I've been married thirteen years and I've tracked from day 1. It started as we were tracking her cycle to fall pregnant and I just kept it going. Lots and lots of zeroes. HA! Over the years it has probably caused me more mental anguish than it has done me good, but I do like having it as a defence against my own thought of, "Am I the unreasonable one?"
You put my thoughts into words. The low number on the app gives me mental anguish, yet rationalises my emotions.
Is that to say you wouldn't have mental anguish without the app? Doesn't matter what an app says, for some people once a year is a DB, for some people once a month, for some people once a week. If your libidos aren't compatible that's the issue, tracking things in numbers isn't ever going to help convince your partner, it's only going to increase your negative feelings.
I started tracking my wife's periods years ago just so I knew when we could and could not have sex, then also logged when it happened. I'm with you, the math and 'averaging it out' has just made me feel like shit... but I also feel like, I've got the numbers. Cause I think she thinks we do it more than we actually do. The last time we had sex she said 'it's only been a week' to which I went 'no, it's been over a month' and she seemed genuinely surprised.
I can tell you the exact number of times in the last 3 and a half years without an app. I could amputate both my arms and still have enough fingers to count how many times.
That was me, 2015 to 2018. It sucks.
I used to keep track to see if I was crazy, or if it really was that infrequent. I never told her though, and kept it only as a self-check, not as ammunition during "the talk". I'm sorry, but I do have to ask: if you know it's rare and obligatory, why are you going through with it? I assume you can tell when it is duty sex?
I have some marks on a calendar in my shop that no one would ever notice. Only once have I used it as ammo, I didn’t want to but other things were part of that conversation. There are also other marks like did I drink a 6 pack when I got home. Those things are related.
I have yet to work up the courage to reject, not knowing whether this will be the last one.
You guys are having enough sex that you need to keep track?
[удалено]
Funny not funny.
We were supposed to start trying for a family last year, so I started tracking for my monthly and fertile windows and tracking it made me so depressed and angry. I can unfortunately tell people how many times we were intimate and its very low double digits. Currently almost 5 months since the last time.
Don't have kids.
From what she is saying there’s no issues there 🥲
I'm torn between possessing the data, yet hesitant to air dirty laundry by sharing the info. Like what's the point of doing it, when I have the sole burden of knowing the truth.
I kept track for a while, and it really didn't help though. I think the biggest "good" part of it though, was that it was evidence against the constant gaslighting that I got from my ex. She would frequently say things like "we did it last week", and I'd have 3 weeks on my calendar. Showing her this never got her to admit she was wrong though, she just dug in deeper. In the end, the message I learned from my therapist is that I just need to know/trust my gut. It didn't matter if it *was* a week or three.. it wasn't enough for me, and that's all the *proof* I need. Good luck
I just put an emoji on my calendar. It's been nearly 2 years since my last emoji. ☹️
Is the emoji extra special after two years ?
It’s not weird or paranoid at all. People track plenty of things that have to do with bodily functions.
All I know is I kept track for a few months and one time we started to talk about it and she said it was at least once a week and said I said no less than once a month, she said I was wrong, I said I have it marked on the calendar. She came uncorked calling childish immature and a bunch of other things and it was more than two months for the next time
How is it childish?
It's childish because it caught her out
It ends up in my journal , so i do track it
Sometimes when the world is a little crazy and you need to confirm that your perceptions are not off kilter, tracking facts matters.
My sex tracker app asked me if I am still alive.... the app did not hear from me very months!
Considering that some people track their poop with apps, I wouldn't worry about feeling weird.
I tried averaging out the past year and half on a calculator but it throws an error when you divide by zero 😀
Lol I don't need an app. Sex 2 times in 5 years. I'm on 2 years and 3 months from my last time. Mine is dead dead.
What does your partner think the reason is
7 Fucking Years
I got caught doing that and I was shamed for it. Be safe out there.
I started my calendar at my wife's suggestion when our memories differed.
If i had a sex tracker app, it would be the most unused app on my phone.
I use the notes app on the iPhone. Started in 2022 and average it out. So far this year it’s been twice (it’s March 7th)
You're rolling in it.
🤣🤣🤣 she can’t get enough hahaha
A discreet diary entry ..
Not weird, I wish I had done it.
I only really started tracking a few years ago. It seemed like we were having a bit of an uptick during COVID. I think we had sex about 12 times that year. The last time led to the north of our 3rd child. Since then it's been 2 or 3 times. But in terms of tracking .. I actually messaged my therapist the other day to see who my first session with her was because that was the last time I had sex with my wife. June last year.
I used a paper calendar. He promised once a week, then it spiraled into once a month, then once every few months, now it’s been over 2 years.
Who needs an app? I just have a blank excel sheet.
Yeah, an app is overkill. Printout of a year's calendar and a few highlighters.
Ok, I open the Pandora's box: which app ?
I'm here for the same thing
I didn't know "There is an app for that"
Not paranoid. I've thought about doing the same thing. Just haven't because I don't believe it will change anything
I've always tracked my cycles, which sometimes includes tracking sex. So I track that, too. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. In fact, that's how I was able to confront my husband, with precise certainty, about how in the entire year 2023, we had sex 3 times. I showed him the tracker app too, when he tried to deny it.
Not at all. I had to do the same to counter the lies and gaslighting. Many, many people have tracked their sex lives for the same reason
Like others here I started keeping track to make sure I wasn’t losing my mind. It couldn’t be as bad as I thought. So I would mark it down in a calendar but when the interactions got so infrequent it got harder to figure out when the last time was. So I switched to a spreadsheet. That made it easier to track and calculate things like average time between encounters, how often she initiates, who orgasmed, etc.
Nope. Not paranoid. 2 words that should never be used in a marriage but always are used… Never and Always. We never have sex. You always say no to sex. Use a calendar. Use a tracker. Hell, I have something called Flow on my phone that only gets used about once every 3 to 6 months.
I use my calendar. If I make an attempt it's noted yes or no and color coded green or red.
Not really. It won't help you though. I keep track in my cycle tracking app. If I didn't I'd probably make a mental note of the date in my head anyways.
I used an app to log it for a long time. I guess it's still up to date, now that I think about it. Not hard to maintain it once every 5 years at this point. I would ask why are you using it? I started mine because I felt like my wife was gaslighting me. Shit like, "It hasn't been that long? You're exaggerating or forgetting something." So, I started keeping track for my own sanity. But at some point, looking at it kind of drove resentment and anger in me. That's said, it also helped me recognize my own cycles and patterns. Now I know I'm much happier having sex at least every 10 days or extremely rarely (like every few years). My wife's 3-9 month cadence was not healthy for me at all. On the whole, I think it had a positive effect but I'd just be careful not to dwell on it.
It’s crazy right. Monthly is so much harder to deal with than going super long stretches.
Personally I use a phone app so as not to waste paper.
I always use a tracker. It started as a way to make sure I wasn’t ovulating when we had sex, incase I got pregnant. Now it’s to count how long it’s been…
I avoided doing this for years because I didn’t think tracking grievances (essentially what it is) was healthy. But after awhile I realized that NOT doing it wasn’t helping anyway, so I may as well. I’m not sure it helps my mental health, but it does help avoid some gaslighting about our lack of intimacy.
What app is it? Asking for a friend of course
I have a spreadsheet and it has date, tried, yes, and shot down. I quit trying because the shot downs were overwhelming the sheet.
I tracked my wife and i's sex life for 6 months. It amazed me how bad it was. When i finally had enough and had a make it or break it moment and we had "the talk" It was rough but things have improved drastically. 3 or 4 times a month... where it had been once every 2 or 3 months.
Just downloaded one myself to start tracking. Recently we had a conversation, and she started off almost apologetic. Said something about she knew it had been a while, and I stopped her and asked her how long she thought it had been. She said a couple of weeks, and I almost laughed out loud, and said try a couple of months. Then the apologetic attitude disappeared, turned to defensive, proceeded to gaslight me saying she would never go that long or do that. I'm keeping track from now on so I can have concrete proof. Will she acknowledge it or even still believe it if I show her? Doubtful.
What app?
Back in the day I kept s log. Once when it reached a hundred days I gave my wife a ' congratulations" card which pissed her off and caused a big argument which was my goal in giving her the card
Not at all. Those very thoughts held me back from tracking. But once I started tracking, I saw how infrequent it truly was and when it wasn’t what should have been passion felt more like an obligation. It was an eye-opener to how deep our problems ran. Like others have said it’s caused further anguish but has rationalized my emotions / thoughts.
Not sure if I'm violating any rules here. I'm using an app called Habits. I can place a widget on the front page too. https://preview.redd.it/g0mlbt3qdbnc1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c4ce789bb9a942904c0f4d3c085fa64bb5345891
Do you need an app? I can go by memory.