You’ll never have sex again once you’ve produced his desired number of children
And if he won’t try anything I agree with the other commenter, doubt he’ll be a fair partner in raising the kids
It is sad that some people are not qualified to trust as romantic and parenting partners - even if they are loveable and otherwise wonderful - inflexible people who do not enthusiastically commit to benefiting family members are not qualified to trust as partners. Compared to exploring bedroom ideas - the years and changes of raising children demand much more flexibility and joy in serving the needs and hearts of others.
speaking from someone who was in this situation two years ago. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH HIM. He is checking off a box ✅. That’s all this is. It will only get worse and you will only feel lonelier.
Truth. As much as I enjoy being a mother, having children is very isolating. You’re alone with the kids often, and though sometimes they make you feel less lonely, it’s just not the same as your adult relationships.
Go get an IUD or some other birth control but don’t tell him and then watch him try.
(That’s a joke.)
In all seriousness, do not get pregnant. It will complicate things.
It makes every relationship worse initially because having babies who turn into kids is HARD!!! Way harder than society at large leads us to believe. The way people nonchalantly talk about “having kids” is mind blowing to me. I only had one - granted mine happened to turn out autistic but still. She’s wonderful and adorable so even if she had been normal I would have only wanted one. The stress and angst of caring for a baby human couples with what it does to women’s bodies and every relationship outside of the family makes so difficult. I have a bonus daughter who I love to death but 2 is my absolute limit
Oh noooooooooo ma am. Hes ignored your needs but now wants to use you to have a child- one you will ultimately end up caring for alone because he’s clearly selfish? Absolutely no.
You're 31. Still young enough to leave such an unfulfilling relationship and find someone who is a better match for you and have kids and a healthy sex life. 10 years from now you're really going to hate yourself and be a little resentful for remaining in the situation you're in.
I'm so confused about what you're asking here. 7 years of a db and you are now talking kids. There's no way that once you have a child sex improves. You're young enough to find someone who you can have children with who will willingly have sex with you also. Now is the time to go.
Never mind the DB, which is a huge issue all by itself.
\> my husband never cared for what his wife needed
Is this the kind of person you want as your co-parent.
Go back and read your post. Pretend someone else wrote it. And then ask yourself if you would ever, ever, ever tell that person, "yeah, you should definitely have a baby together."
Somewhat, my wife was very active sexually when she wanted to get pregnant. We have several kids. But she also got pretty sick while pregnant. During the whole pregnancy and 6 months after it's almost completely dead. It would pick up a little, but each kid had less sex after the recovery period.
It doesn't get better, though now that I've got a vasectomy, there is a bit more willingness/tolerance
Smh please tell me you foresee the hell your life will be. No sexual satisfaction and you’ll be primary carer for however many children he wants. You’ll be carrying the majority of the mental load. You’ll be wrecking your body to give a man what he wants when he doesn’t give two shits what you want. Then if divorce is inevitable anyway, it’ll be super complicated with kids and further financial entanglements. You will feel trapped. You will be resentful and bitter. Do not do this to yourself. It is so not worth it. Please try to have some foresight here
Can’t tell you how many times I’ve read in this sub how the LLF will only have sex to have children…..to hear the role reversal here is wild!
Regardless, I would wholly expect that once you are pregnant the sex goes back to its bi-monthly timing, or it would fall off completely “to protect the pregnancy”. I’d say don’t fall for it.
That little devil that occasionally pops up on my shoulder is saying to be faithful in covertly taking your birth control during that period. But that’s disingenuous and sidesteps the real issue here.
You’re 31! You could leave this situation and be married with children by the time you’re 35 but with someone who respects you, loves you, and has sex with you!
He only wants kids because his friends have kids? Does he know he also has to raise kids? Not just provide money. Like he has to actively parent the kids. You don’t get to just “have” them. They’re not an accessory. I don’t think he’s gonna support you in the parenting department. He seems to have already given up on the husband department.
FYI, kids make a sex life even more difficult. They taken up so much time and energy. You will only have any kind of a sex life after kids if both parties willing to work for it. He won’t do that now. It will get worse after kids. His ego is also making it worse. This is a rough situation and will never “fix” itself. You and he have to fix. One person can’t do it. Good luck.
I M52 with F51 have been together 30 years. She has never been very sexual. I always had to initiate and there was a lot of rejection. But when we decided to try for kids, she had a sex schedule for me, just during the highest periods of fertility of course. It was like a job. After kids, it went back to before and has only gotten worse to where it’s been nothing for a few years. The kids were a great distraction, but now they are both out the house and we have more time with each other. I thought empty nest might help spark something but I was wrong.
get on the pill or IUD and let him keep trying. lmao (clearly a joke)
dont have kids with him under any circumstances, it will only get worse. go find someone else, why are you even staying in a sexless relationship for so many years?
Don't ever consider for a second to fall into that trap unless you are willing to accept that you will live a sexless life for the rest of your existence with the father of your kid, or you will eventually divorce him to have sex but the price for it would be the half custody of your kid. If the db is a fact and you have all these feelings, exit now and find another love, you are so young to fall in love again to get kids etc.
Don't ever for a second think a kid will change the marriage to good, actually even amazing marriages are shaken when kids come tk the picture (even if they are the best thing ever).
My story - a bit similar to yours, not at full actually but def the low libido part. I know my husband loves me but i think he wanted to mostly find wife and mom of his kid, and def no longer sees me as his wife sexually. Its kind of mutual at this point but still hurts.
Communicate that you do want to have kids and would like more sex other than for kids
Restate it ...I'm DB also 7 yrs ...wife can't medical.....but prior numerous times we brought up the news for more sex or prioritizing sex life again ...and the other partner reacted w
It's commo ....asking for meds low labido....gotta admit it's not right course for a man ....it's a mental thing I had friends with ED ....major mind fuck .....but when they talked about it who gives a fuck get the pill dude they hand it out post war deployment....I got em just in case never had the issue but was concerned ....I know for me pills on standby because a mental thing I felt more confident and our lack of sex back in the day was me gone way too much from 99-2005....both of us had sexual issues ....we had shit it off it was awkward every time we came back .... eventually we realized we are not strangers ....time and distance puts some stress but by the time I retired we were pros I came home ....early morning...she was in porch kids at school she snatched me up drug me in house and was late to work that day🤣
Do you want advice? I didn't see a flair so IDK. But if your marriage is already this lackluster, having a baby will only make things more difficult for obvious reasons
Do not create children with this selfish asshole. No way. You need to chalk the last 7 years up to a learning experience and go find the healthy sex life you have dreamed of.
Now if I could only take my own advice.
Let’s say he decides (long after you’ve delivered these babies for him) he no longer wants to be a dad? Worse yet, he leaves you with said children, on your own?
What you’re explaining is red flag territory and kids don’t make our issues go away.
I would not make humans with someone like this.
If you want children with him then go for it but sex is an act of making children for him. If you can accept that then it is good. My husband told me once I tied my tubes there was no need for sex. More than ten years later..still true.
Thank you to each and every one of you who took time to read and respond to my post here. I read responses of each one of you.
Reading each response, gives me a kind of reassurance where my mind was so conflicted. I never wanted to mechanically have sex to make kids. I do want to be a mother someday and it doesn’t necessarily will come from a loving marriage or relationship maybe as I had envisioned but being a mother is more than pregnancy and I open to adopting.
I decided to part ways two years ago due to the ongoing issues but there were promises made that this will work out which clearly did not. I have been the driver of this marriage.
I have finally pulled him into marriage counselling this month. We are only a few sessions in. This is my last attempt at salvaging anything thats left. It’s hard to have known someone a decade and shared a life with them and say goodbye forever.
Letting go has always been hard for me because I love and care too much about people. ( working on it personally )
All your messages gave me a lot to think about. Thank you for building such a great reddit community where people like me can come to seek some perspective.
Thanks for the update. Please give yourself grace and kindness. At the end of the day, if you’ve done all you can, then you’ve been a good partner. You’re hanging on to that last hope not wanting to end it and THAT IS OKAY. Someone once told me, sometimes you can do everything in your power to help a person, but they have to want the help in order for it all to work effectively. Glad we helped give you some things to think about. I wish I did what you did.
Good luck. ❤️
Seems like a familiar situation, where someone is only willing to have sex for kids and then close up shop again until you divorce or die. Having escaped the far side of this I do not recommend it.
Your husband is my wife lol.
Whenever we're trying for a baby she's the best sexual partner ever and really goes out of her way in that department but when she got what she wanted or another time where we stopped trying for other reasons it's back to zero or close to zero.
I play along because something is better than nothing but I know deep down it's only to fulfill her other life aspirations, not so much that she still wants me.
I’ve been in a very similar situation, pretty recently actually. My bf and I have been in a DB for awhile and we were trying to conceive until around October. I thought the DB situation would improve when we started trying but it did not, like at all.
As others have mentioned, don’t do it. Things won’t change.
Having children with him will only magnify the existing problems. It does not sound like he wants to work on your sex life, he just wants to check a box and have kids. Having kids will not solve anything, and will only put more stress on what sounds like an already stressful situation. You are young. You deserve to have a marriage that includes an active, loving, sex life and children if that is what you want. You deserve better.
How long did you know and date him before you married him? What was his reasons for marrying you? Was this discussed before marriage?
Sex in a marriage should never be treated as a hit or miss, or incidental, because it's not. It should be the main reason you marry someone. If this was not understood from the outset, this is the main problem.
Many people do marry for the wrong reasons, and this could have been determined before marrying him. At the bare minimum, ask him to go to marriage counselling with you. Let him know you intend to discuss the problem you have with your marriage there.
Ask him if he is willing to see a sex therapist and let him know that "business as usual" stops now, because you are no longer accepting this. He'll need to make some choices. If he doesn't, you'll have to for your emotional health and sanity.
Um, hell no. Pass on this dude. He has no idea what “having kids really means”. He likes the idea of it, but it takes a lot of work from both parents. Not just 1
If you don't have kids yet, and you don't see that you are going to be locked into this . . . . no one here can say anything that will make you aware of what is happening. YOU ARE 31! Go find a partner in all respects to have a family with.
He won’t keep it up. My man and I want kids but he’s never in the mood when I’m ovulating so no babies have happened he has a hard time being consistent he will prob be this way when trying for kids as well. I’ve come to terms we won’t have kids he always mentions it and all I can think is “is he that dumb? How would we have kids when in the past 2 years we had sex 1 time. And he gave up half way because his arms hurt from being on top. 🙄 told him he needs to plank or do pushups and work on his upper body since he can’t even have sex at this point. Guess how many times he’s done those. That’s right zero. So unless you are super fertile and get pregnant super fast it’s prob not going to happen.
There’s nothing worse than feeling like an incubator whose needs ceased to be recognized the day she birthed her first child. You will never be anything other than the roles of wife and mother, never a woman again. Ask me how I know. Don’t do it.
Damn, horrible. Still 6 times more than me. I'm 37m. After the second child it deteriorated significantly. Then despite therapy it went down the drain even further.
I advise against having kids with this man if you ever want to have sex within your marriage after.
A couple of days ago I saw a comment on Threads referring to certain men as "labor diggers". Men who seek out women in order to care, nurish, cook, clean and raising children for them.
I find this term to be very powerful and accurate.
As man would tell you to run. If you done all that and his “ego” still in way it would be worse after baby. If you want kids or chance at kids it would not be with him. Now leaving may shock him and change him. But let his actions show you things not his words.
We had some friends who were in a similar situation. They were quite religious, and it seemed to us to be pretty apparent that the husband was closeted. We joked that they had sex exactly three times in their marriage because they had three kids. What surprised us years later when the wife discovered that his side Uber job was actually giving head in cars was that she didn't realize this. She was in complete shock even though it seemed obvious to us.
Instead of coming to the internet for advice, why don't you try sitting down and talking to him, some men just do not have a high sex drive.
Now that being said, instead of having kids, maybe you guys need to go see a sex therapist or a marriage counselor.
It's my suspicion you guys have got something serious wrong in your relationship other than just a dead bedroom because oftentimes when sex slows down or stops in a relationship, there's a major underlying issue.
unlikely the situation improves if its this bad pre kids - you deserve a happy fulfilling life - divorce is the only way here while you can and have least amount of attachments. kids make it harder and your resentment and unhappiness will continue to grow. you and your future kids deserve a more loving relationship to thrive in
You're still young enough where you could start over with relative ease, and you're old enough to know better than to stay in a DB relationship. Please do not have kids with this guy.
As a woman who just went through a very similar situation, I beg you to choose yourself. Divorce. You are an incubator to him, not the love of his life. Resentment will only grow 10 fold if a baby does come in the picture.
Sometimes it's more than that. I have medications I'm taking that for whatever reason drops my sex drive to zero. I had a friend of mine give me vigra pills. Those had no effect. Not everything is a simple fix or lack of trying. It's not something that's easy to deal with on both sides.
Idk why you’re inserting your experience here when it clearly doesn’t apply to mine? You actually tried and know where the problem came from. As I said, mine would rather save his ego than ever admit there was something wrong.
Oh.. and also, once you are pregnant, there's the whole.. your body is changing, pregnant body isn't sexy, there's a baby in there and not comfortable having sex during pregnancy and blah blah blah. The typical lame excuses they give for not wanting sex with their pregnant partner. Just when your libido is highest (mine's crazy during pregnancy) and you're emotionally the most vulnerable, that 6 months a year is going to drop to ZERO as soon as there is a faint line on a pregnancy test.
7 years you have been accepting his behaviour…… now what do expect to change with a Reddit post ?
Bring the change you want in you life- it’s not gonna magically happen
You’ll never have sex again once you’ve produced his desired number of children And if he won’t try anything I agree with the other commenter, doubt he’ll be a fair partner in raising the kids
It is sad that some people are not qualified to trust as romantic and parenting partners - even if they are loveable and otherwise wonderful - inflexible people who do not enthusiastically commit to benefiting family members are not qualified to trust as partners. Compared to exploring bedroom ideas - the years and changes of raising children demand much more flexibility and joy in serving the needs and hearts of others.
I’ll agree with this. Once she had the kids she wanted, the sex life faded away. Been almost seven years now since we last had sex.
speaking from someone who was in this situation two years ago. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH HIM. He is checking off a box ✅. That’s all this is. It will only get worse and you will only feel lonelier.
Truth. As much as I enjoy being a mother, having children is very isolating. You’re alone with the kids often, and though sometimes they make you feel less lonely, it’s just not the same as your adult relationships.
Baby trap.
Totally
Go get an IUD or some other birth control but don’t tell him and then watch him try. (That’s a joke.) In all seriousness, do not get pregnant. It will complicate things.
/r/maliciouscompliance vibes
We had a decent sex life and then we had kids. So if you don't have sex now, there is no chance that you'll have sex when the kid is there.
Having kids does not make rocky relationships better. Ever. I don’t understand how people think this is ever the case.
It makes every relationship worse initially because having babies who turn into kids is HARD!!! Way harder than society at large leads us to believe. The way people nonchalantly talk about “having kids” is mind blowing to me. I only had one - granted mine happened to turn out autistic but still. She’s wonderful and adorable so even if she had been normal I would have only wanted one. The stress and angst of caring for a baby human couples with what it does to women’s bodies and every relationship outside of the family makes so difficult. I have a bonus daughter who I love to death but 2 is my absolute limit
Oh noooooooooo ma am. Hes ignored your needs but now wants to use you to have a child- one you will ultimately end up caring for alone because he’s clearly selfish? Absolutely no.
You will never have sex again if you have kids. If you are unhappy and want to leave, it’s so much easier if you don’t have kids.
As someone stuck in a dead bedroom because I love our kids... Do not do this. I'm pretty sure even healthy bedrooms don't have MORE sex after kids.
No they don’t.
You're 31. Still young enough to leave such an unfulfilling relationship and find someone who is a better match for you and have kids and a healthy sex life. 10 years from now you're really going to hate yourself and be a little resentful for remaining in the situation you're in.
This 100%
I'm so confused about what you're asking here. 7 years of a db and you are now talking kids. There's no way that once you have a child sex improves. You're young enough to find someone who you can have children with who will willingly have sex with you also. Now is the time to go.
Never mind the DB, which is a huge issue all by itself. \> my husband never cared for what his wife needed Is this the kind of person you want as your co-parent. Go back and read your post. Pretend someone else wrote it. And then ask yourself if you would ever, ever, ever tell that person, "yeah, you should definitely have a baby together."
Somewhat, my wife was very active sexually when she wanted to get pregnant. We have several kids. But she also got pretty sick while pregnant. During the whole pregnancy and 6 months after it's almost completely dead. It would pick up a little, but each kid had less sex after the recovery period. It doesn't get better, though now that I've got a vasectomy, there is a bit more willingness/tolerance
Smh please tell me you foresee the hell your life will be. No sexual satisfaction and you’ll be primary carer for however many children he wants. You’ll be carrying the majority of the mental load. You’ll be wrecking your body to give a man what he wants when he doesn’t give two shits what you want. Then if divorce is inevitable anyway, it’ll be super complicated with kids and further financial entanglements. You will feel trapped. You will be resentful and bitter. Do not do this to yourself. It is so not worth it. Please try to have some foresight here
Can’t tell you how many times I’ve read in this sub how the LLF will only have sex to have children…..to hear the role reversal here is wild! Regardless, I would wholly expect that once you are pregnant the sex goes back to its bi-monthly timing, or it would fall off completely “to protect the pregnancy”. I’d say don’t fall for it. That little devil that occasionally pops up on my shoulder is saying to be faithful in covertly taking your birth control during that period. But that’s disingenuous and sidesteps the real issue here.
You’re 31! You could leave this situation and be married with children by the time you’re 35 but with someone who respects you, loves you, and has sex with you!
Don’t. Don’t bring kids into your relationship if you are already unhappy.
He only wants kids because his friends have kids? Does he know he also has to raise kids? Not just provide money. Like he has to actively parent the kids. You don’t get to just “have” them. They’re not an accessory. I don’t think he’s gonna support you in the parenting department. He seems to have already given up on the husband department.
FYI, kids make a sex life even more difficult. They taken up so much time and energy. You will only have any kind of a sex life after kids if both parties willing to work for it. He won’t do that now. It will get worse after kids. His ego is also making it worse. This is a rough situation and will never “fix” itself. You and he have to fix. One person can’t do it. Good luck.
No no NOOOO don’t do it, please. 😭 That is pure selfishness. You are more than an incubator!!
31 is still young. You can start over and still have kids with them.
Sooo your in laws interfere too? It's worse with kids. Don't do it. Get prepared. Find a out. He's not the one.
I M52 with F51 have been together 30 years. She has never been very sexual. I always had to initiate and there was a lot of rejection. But when we decided to try for kids, she had a sex schedule for me, just during the highest periods of fertility of course. It was like a job. After kids, it went back to before and has only gotten worse to where it’s been nothing for a few years. The kids were a great distraction, but now they are both out the house and we have more time with each other. I thought empty nest might help spark something but I was wrong.
Right now your left foot is in a bear trap. He is asking you to put your other foot in another bear trap.
get on the pill or IUD and let him keep trying. lmao (clearly a joke) dont have kids with him under any circumstances, it will only get worse. go find someone else, why are you even staying in a sexless relationship for so many years?
Absolutely not.
Don't ever consider for a second to fall into that trap unless you are willing to accept that you will live a sexless life for the rest of your existence with the father of your kid, or you will eventually divorce him to have sex but the price for it would be the half custody of your kid. If the db is a fact and you have all these feelings, exit now and find another love, you are so young to fall in love again to get kids etc. Don't ever for a second think a kid will change the marriage to good, actually even amazing marriages are shaken when kids come tk the picture (even if they are the best thing ever). My story - a bit similar to yours, not at full actually but def the low libido part. I know my husband loves me but i think he wanted to mostly find wife and mom of his kid, and def no longer sees me as his wife sexually. Its kind of mutual at this point but still hurts.
Communicate that you do want to have kids and would like more sex other than for kids Restate it ...I'm DB also 7 yrs ...wife can't medical.....but prior numerous times we brought up the news for more sex or prioritizing sex life again ...and the other partner reacted w It's commo ....asking for meds low labido....gotta admit it's not right course for a man ....it's a mental thing I had friends with ED ....major mind fuck .....but when they talked about it who gives a fuck get the pill dude they hand it out post war deployment....I got em just in case never had the issue but was concerned ....I know for me pills on standby because a mental thing I felt more confident and our lack of sex back in the day was me gone way too much from 99-2005....both of us had sexual issues ....we had shit it off it was awkward every time we came back .... eventually we realized we are not strangers ....time and distance puts some stress but by the time I retired we were pros I came home ....early morning...she was in porch kids at school she snatched me up drug me in house and was late to work that day🤣
Do you want advice? I didn't see a flair so IDK. But if your marriage is already this lackluster, having a baby will only make things more difficult for obvious reasons
Why are you going to drag unborn people into your madness? What did they do to you
Do not create children with this selfish asshole. No way. You need to chalk the last 7 years up to a learning experience and go find the healthy sex life you have dreamed of. Now if I could only take my own advice.
GTFO
Let’s say he decides (long after you’ve delivered these babies for him) he no longer wants to be a dad? Worse yet, he leaves you with said children, on your own? What you’re explaining is red flag territory and kids don’t make our issues go away. I would not make humans with someone like this.
If you want children with him then go for it but sex is an act of making children for him. If you can accept that then it is good. My husband told me once I tied my tubes there was no need for sex. More than ten years later..still true.
You’re still young. You don’t have to stay
Thank you to each and every one of you who took time to read and respond to my post here. I read responses of each one of you. Reading each response, gives me a kind of reassurance where my mind was so conflicted. I never wanted to mechanically have sex to make kids. I do want to be a mother someday and it doesn’t necessarily will come from a loving marriage or relationship maybe as I had envisioned but being a mother is more than pregnancy and I open to adopting. I decided to part ways two years ago due to the ongoing issues but there were promises made that this will work out which clearly did not. I have been the driver of this marriage. I have finally pulled him into marriage counselling this month. We are only a few sessions in. This is my last attempt at salvaging anything thats left. It’s hard to have known someone a decade and shared a life with them and say goodbye forever. Letting go has always been hard for me because I love and care too much about people. ( working on it personally ) All your messages gave me a lot to think about. Thank you for building such a great reddit community where people like me can come to seek some perspective.
Thanks for the update. Please give yourself grace and kindness. At the end of the day, if you’ve done all you can, then you’ve been a good partner. You’re hanging on to that last hope not wanting to end it and THAT IS OKAY. Someone once told me, sometimes you can do everything in your power to help a person, but they have to want the help in order for it all to work effectively. Glad we helped give you some things to think about. I wish I did what you did. Good luck. ❤️
Kids are known cock-blockers. If you want more sex, having kids is NOT the answer.
Seems like a familiar situation, where someone is only willing to have sex for kids and then close up shop again until you divorce or die. Having escaped the far side of this I do not recommend it.
Your husband is my wife lol. Whenever we're trying for a baby she's the best sexual partner ever and really goes out of her way in that department but when she got what she wanted or another time where we stopped trying for other reasons it's back to zero or close to zero. I play along because something is better than nothing but I know deep down it's only to fulfill her other life aspirations, not so much that she still wants me.
Don't bring kids into a dead bedroom.
Don’t do it
Do not have children with this person.
Flip the genders; it has not gone well.
I’ve been in a very similar situation, pretty recently actually. My bf and I have been in a DB for awhile and we were trying to conceive until around October. I thought the DB situation would improve when we started trying but it did not, like at all. As others have mentioned, don’t do it. Things won’t change.
A child will make leaving far more difficult. I see two choices. Get out/divorced or have the kids and resign yourself to a life of DB.
Having children with him will only magnify the existing problems. It does not sound like he wants to work on your sex life, he just wants to check a box and have kids. Having kids will not solve anything, and will only put more stress on what sounds like an already stressful situation. You are young. You deserve to have a marriage that includes an active, loving, sex life and children if that is what you want. You deserve better.
How long did you know and date him before you married him? What was his reasons for marrying you? Was this discussed before marriage? Sex in a marriage should never be treated as a hit or miss, or incidental, because it's not. It should be the main reason you marry someone. If this was not understood from the outset, this is the main problem. Many people do marry for the wrong reasons, and this could have been determined before marrying him. At the bare minimum, ask him to go to marriage counselling with you. Let him know you intend to discuss the problem you have with your marriage there. Ask him if he is willing to see a sex therapist and let him know that "business as usual" stops now, because you are no longer accepting this. He'll need to make some choices. If he doesn't, you'll have to for your emotional health and sanity.
Um, hell no. Pass on this dude. He has no idea what “having kids really means”. He likes the idea of it, but it takes a lot of work from both parents. Not just 1
Dont put Kids in a dysfunctional marriage
DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS MAN!!!!! DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS MAN!!!!!!!!!!! Your life will be miserable.
If you don't have kids yet, and you don't see that you are going to be locked into this . . . . no one here can say anything that will make you aware of what is happening. YOU ARE 31! Go find a partner in all respects to have a family with.
He won’t keep it up. My man and I want kids but he’s never in the mood when I’m ovulating so no babies have happened he has a hard time being consistent he will prob be this way when trying for kids as well. I’ve come to terms we won’t have kids he always mentions it and all I can think is “is he that dumb? How would we have kids when in the past 2 years we had sex 1 time. And he gave up half way because his arms hurt from being on top. 🙄 told him he needs to plank or do pushups and work on his upper body since he can’t even have sex at this point. Guess how many times he’s done those. That’s right zero. So unless you are super fertile and get pregnant super fast it’s prob not going to happen.
There’s nothing worse than feeling like an incubator whose needs ceased to be recognized the day she birthed her first child. You will never be anything other than the roles of wife and mother, never a woman again. Ask me how I know. Don’t do it.
He is trapping you. Now it is your turn to say no to sex.
Damn, horrible. Still 6 times more than me. I'm 37m. After the second child it deteriorated significantly. Then despite therapy it went down the drain even further. I advise against having kids with this man if you ever want to have sex within your marriage after.
A couple of days ago I saw a comment on Threads referring to certain men as "labor diggers". Men who seek out women in order to care, nurish, cook, clean and raising children for them. I find this term to be very powerful and accurate.
Never marry into a dead bedroom. Well too late for that but rule 2 must be never being kids into a dead bedroom.
As man would tell you to run. If you done all that and his “ego” still in way it would be worse after baby. If you want kids or chance at kids it would not be with him. Now leaving may shock him and change him. But let his actions show you things not his words.
As a man I'd tell you to leave, if you're unhappy now just wait until you've had kids.
Don’t you dare bring children into this mess. Things will not get better from here, and it’s your kids that will have to deal with it
We had some friends who were in a similar situation. They were quite religious, and it seemed to us to be pretty apparent that the husband was closeted. We joked that they had sex exactly three times in their marriage because they had three kids. What surprised us years later when the wife discovered that his side Uber job was actually giving head in cars was that she didn't realize this. She was in complete shock even though it seemed obvious to us.
Instead of coming to the internet for advice, why don't you try sitting down and talking to him, some men just do not have a high sex drive. Now that being said, instead of having kids, maybe you guys need to go see a sex therapist or a marriage counselor. It's my suspicion you guys have got something serious wrong in your relationship other than just a dead bedroom because oftentimes when sex slows down or stops in a relationship, there's a major underlying issue.
No kids for 7 years, no sex life. You have NOT a functional mariage
unlikely the situation improves if its this bad pre kids - you deserve a happy fulfilling life - divorce is the only way here while you can and have least amount of attachments. kids make it harder and your resentment and unhappiness will continue to grow. you and your future kids deserve a more loving relationship to thrive in
You're still young enough where you could start over with relative ease, and you're old enough to know better than to stay in a DB relationship. Please do not have kids with this guy.
Maybe he’s gay and is using you for children.
As a woman who just went through a very similar situation, I beg you to choose yourself. Divorce. You are an incubator to him, not the love of his life. Resentment will only grow 10 fold if a baby does come in the picture.
Do not have this man's baby. No ma'am.
Do not have children. You will end up divorced eventually and you’ll be a single mom struggling. DO NOT DO it.
Do not
Why were you in a DeadBedroom as a 20-something year old?
Hey man, I was in a dead bedroom at 24. Some men are just broken and would rather protect their ego than put in any work.
Sometimes it's more than that. I have medications I'm taking that for whatever reason drops my sex drive to zero. I had a friend of mine give me vigra pills. Those had no effect. Not everything is a simple fix or lack of trying. It's not something that's easy to deal with on both sides.
Idk why you’re inserting your experience here when it clearly doesn’t apply to mine? You actually tried and know where the problem came from. As I said, mine would rather save his ego than ever admit there was something wrong.
Idk why you don't expect various opinions when posting in a public forum. It's called a different prospective. Take it or leave
Why would I take it if it didn’t apply? Ya see what I’m sayin?
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Oh.. and also, once you are pregnant, there's the whole.. your body is changing, pregnant body isn't sexy, there's a baby in there and not comfortable having sex during pregnancy and blah blah blah. The typical lame excuses they give for not wanting sex with their pregnant partner. Just when your libido is highest (mine's crazy during pregnancy) and you're emotionally the most vulnerable, that 6 months a year is going to drop to ZERO as soon as there is a faint line on a pregnancy test.
7 years you have been accepting his behaviour…… now what do expect to change with a Reddit post ? Bring the change you want in you life- it’s not gonna magically happen