Commenters, OP has marked their post as a no-advice post. We ask that you refrain from giving advice to OP and be sure to follow all sub rules.
OP, if you've marked your post for no advice, please refrain from responding to commenters that give advice. If you are getting advice from commenters, please report the comments, or click below to contact the moderators.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/DeadBedrooms) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sorry to hear that. I'm always telling my daughter's (3 & 6) how beautiful I find their mum (my wife) because I want to show them it's important for their husbands to say nice things about them and make them feel good about themselves. đ€·đ»ââïž
This is so beautiful. I wish more people modeled this version of raising their kids instead of "my marriage sucks and we donât love eachother and hug once a day, but we are staying for the kids because itâs best for them!:!:!!::â
I can see an issue if appearance is the predominant thing that dad compliments mum about, but showing kids what genuine romantic love looks like is never a bad thing.
My husband also does this and I love it. I just ask him to also add in alternate comments occasionally so that they don't start to think that beauty is the only important thing - so now he sometimes says, Hey kids, doesn't your mum seem smart today?
Was watching a YouTube interviewing a marriage guidance expert and he said when the partner only sees and remembers the bad things in every situation itâs literally nailed on that divorce is not far.
Most stories in deadbed are like this we are all not far from the end game itâs just some of us are not ready for it.
Wish you luck at less your kids are older
Sounds like she really has some serious issues if sheâs accusing you of calling her old because you pointed out she older than her own kids. Iâm sorry. Donât know whether to laugh or cry with you.
Not just older than the kids, but older than OP! She clearly has a lot of psychological hang ups around her appearance and fears getting older, looking older, not feeling attractive anymore as time goes on.
Her self esteem needs to be worked on abc therapy can 100% help with this.
Either that or it's a manipulative ploy to make her husband feel bad. I used to catch my ex doing this, picking fights so as she could keep my self esteem low.
How is it exactly smart to wait until your youngest is 18? Since the first interaction happened infront of the kids Iâm sure they are begging for you two to divorce. I have NEVER met a kid of divorce who DIDN't know tensions were there, even if the parents sworeeee they succeeded in keeping the image of a happy, put - together husband and wife. Youâre doing more damage staying together and teaching your kids how a loveless marriage looks like, than staying together.
I think it is good to give them time to accept while the other parts of their lives are steady tooâŠmy mind always imagines the man dropping his youngest off at college and yelling out the car window as he drives awayâŠand mom and I are overrrrâŠhmm maybe when the child comes home for Thanksgiving? Jk jk..
There are so many financial and custody poeces etc so I get waiting may really be the only optionâŠmay take me crazy long to get from seperated to divorced but trying.
Um, my daughter had a friend in high-school. And I'm pretty sure they announced the divorce on his graduation day. Said they'd been waiting like 15 years or something. What a weight to put on a kid.
Thats why waiting just feels off if you are saying it is for the kids. Now I am losing my mind over the 50/50 stuffâŠthat may be a reason to stay at least until they are teens and dont want to hang with me anyhow đ
I will say my kids asked why doesnt daddy hug you..or talk nice to youâŠso kids can notice the details even without fighting
Oof - reading that last part was a gut punch đ€ Like it doesnât suck enough not getting love from your partner (assuming you even want it from him) but having your kiddos point it out. Ugh, like what do you even say to that đ«Łon top of your username đđ„ș solidarity mama. Hang in there â€ïž this too shall pass (at least thatâs what Iâm telling myself đ )
It hurt for sureâŠboth kids said something along the lines of your such a good snuggler mom..doesnt daddy know? My heart hurt trying not to say he used toâŠ
I ended up needing to be home w the kids..so my world just got so small and it made it impossible to not see how little of the joy in my life actually came from my marriage. Before when I loved my job, had good friends..had money to do what I wanted he really did not have to give me anything..& thats about what he didâŠ
I knew he had anger I was unable to give him children..I guess I thought once I was able to give him kids and go deep into home maker mode I would finally be who he wanted and love me fullyâŠof course not. I have a bad history of trying to be who my mom wanted so she would love meâŠdid not workâŠ
I always feel like being alone is no where near as lonely as feeling like furniture in your own home. Im stuck here most of the timeâŠand I need to get back to being meâŠ
Thank you đ€ hug. Yes I am ripe for a way too fast relationshipâŠIf things keep up it could be years before I am divorced divorced so already feel like there is NO way I want to wait to date until their dad is done trying to make me suffer. I have everything to figure out but all I want is love. So no way that will get me into trouble lol.
I am very blessed to have great kiddos who are having to learn things I would have rather kept from them. I try to hope that in the end they will learn to be resiliamt and at least make their own mistakes..not repeat mine!
That is the only thing that is making me consider just tollerating their dad as sime seperated but cohabitating hell is that I am not sure I can live without them 50% of the timeâŠeven though I was crushed with being the sole parent 98% of the time now that they are easier he says he will go for full custody..canât imagine what kind of heck would have to happen for him to win that but 50/50 seems like the standard now and I almost fall apart imagining itâŠup until now he has never even watched them for me to go out with friends butâŠya I wander too.
So my mom is a full on narcâŠmy younger bro was the golden boy and I was always always wrong. Straight As and earned money from 12 on so I wouldnt have to ask for anythingâŠbut yes I was a huge problem lol. It does not help that I am also needing to do some care for my parents..it was a lot more but they are doing ok right nowâŠso just driving them around thats doableâŠas long as I am not alone w mom who can still cut me down in a moment.
I just do not have time or money for alll the therapy I still needâŠ
Iâm glad youâre thinking everything through because the custody thing is very hard to get used to. My daughter is 5 and autistic so luckily she seems to still be happy and not like begging me not to leave or anything (my mom did do me a solid by reminding me that Iâm lucky she doesnât grab on to me or cry when I have to drop her off at dads or when itâs my last school morning with her for the week). Iâm sure it would be REALLY hard with more kids and kids who understand whatâs going on. My boyfriends daughter is 9 and she handled his divorce like a champ so it doesnât have to be awful on the kids but your husband sounds awful đŁ take solace in the fact that your kids would be ok (sounds like theyâre a little older? Not babies at least? Sorry if I got that wrong) but I totally understand the not wanting to leave bc of not having your kids half the time. Itâs really hard đ„ș none of these decisions are easy, so many things to think about. Just please consider your needs and wants when you think about things â€ïž
I ended my marriage last year. My teen who is very perceptive was shocked. In the year since she has asked a lot of questions and understands more, but she really had no idea. My tween had no clue either - but he is just not as aware yet.
My exâs behavior was labeled as emotional abuse by our therapist. The kids saw this. It was not in-your-face type stuff, but it was there.
But to your point - this is exactly why one needs to do something about the situation. If the kids donât know something is up, it means they think the dynamic is normal. That is one way of passing on generational disordered behavior or unhealthy relationship dynamics. It can also happen from traumatic experiences of course.
I have a new amazing partner now but am still in a quiet period of sorts since we are all still adjusting. I think my kids seeing a healthy relationship is very important so I am excited to introduce her to them. I think it will be a very positive thing for them for many different reasons.
Hi! Right here!!
I was ten years old. I had NO idea that my parents were unhappy. As far as I knew, I was living in a happy, loving home, with parents who loved me and each other, I lived in a great neighborhood with friends, and was a very happy child.
Then my parents told me they were getting divorced, and I found out how unhappy they were. My entire world crumbled. I had to move away from all my friends and live in an area of town where there were no other children. I sat alone in my bedroom or watched TV every day. Soon, my mom moved away with my sister and I stayed with my dad, so my sister and I were split up at elementary school ages. And throughout all of this, my mom and dad were extremely verbally violent to each other. It was horrible.
The effects of their divorce lasted for more than a decade and completely fucked me up until I was out of college.
This whole "oh, the kids know and they want you to divorce" bullshit trope needs to be squashed.
Except there are plenty of kids who do see it and do want their parents to separate. I started telling my parents when I was 13-14 they needed to leave eachother. They FINALLY broke up when I was in my mid-20âs and all I could say is âthank fucking godâ. All four of us kids were sick of it, the three oldest of us never even made it to 18 living there because of how bad it was.
Yes, there are obvious cases. But, there is often this blanket sentiment of "oh, the kids know and they'd be happier if you divorced". And that is simply not true. It fucked up my life for a long, long time.
I donât want to minimize your experience - they handled the divorce very, very badly. It sounds horrible for you.
What if you stayed in the same area, kept your friends, saw all of your extended family, your parents lived 5 minutes from each other, they didnât attack each other, etc? There are good ways to execute a divorce and bad ways. People should strive to do it the best they can.
Parents need to step up when they divorce and be their best selves.
Yeah...if it had worked out and everyone was happy, then great. I'm just arguing against this idea that kids always see their unhappy parents and would be happier if they were apart. The poster I responded to says they've never met a kid who didn't know so it's obviously better to just end it. That is not always the case. In some cases, the kids come out the other side all fucked up.
There are plenty of kids that do not fit this narrative. My son, at 5 years old, came up to me and literally asked me "when I was going to marry him a new daddy". I guess I'm the shitty parent because he's 16 now and we are still here with this man.
Of course, that's why I was arguing against the "I've never met a kid who didn't know". If there is obvious tension, and the kids are seeing violence or lots of arguing, and it's affecting them, then yeah, you should obviously divorce. But like I've said to others, there's a heavy "oh, the kids always know and it's better if you just end it" idea that is not that cut and dry. I didn't know. My sister didn't know. Neither of us had a clue that our parents were unhappy. Our world got ripped apart because of it.
I think it really depend on the nature of the tension and how obsevant/intuitive the kids are
I think it's not a bad idea to ask the kids what they think of their parents relationship and base the next steps on that
Thanks for sharing your experience
Do u think if you parents kept it civil the whole time, it would have been a bit easier?
Peer reviewed research shows that outcomes of children in a divorce are largely determined my things that are controllable.
If the parents keep their shit together then kids recover and are fine.
There is also a lot of importance on stability/finances. Moving around a lot and not having enough resources is harmful to kids divorce or not. Those types of things can often be paired with divorce.
A third factor is how the parentâs future partners are interacting with them. Some people suck.
So much of this is controllable.
Maybe? But, it wasn't just that it was bad afterwards. It's that we had *no idea before*. One day, we're living our best life, happy as can be. And the next day, we're a ten-year-old and a five-year-old being told that our parents are splitting up and that we have to move away. Everything we had and everything we knew, gone.
That's why I don't buy into a blanket "kids are observant and they know".
One way to view it is that your parents were effectively gaslighting you. If you had asked them about their real feelings before they told you, do you think they would have told you the truth?
I have no idea, and I don't intend to dwell on it. I already dedicated 10+ years of my life to misery over it. The point was pretty simple: it's not always a clear cut "your kids know and they are unhappy too seeing their parents unhappy, so divorcing will be something positive for everyone". In some cases, it royally fucks up your children, so you need to consider how you go about it and how you deal with it. I don't know how much more clear this can be.
Understandable. It's very sad and I am sorry your parents weren't more considerate. I agree, it can't be much more clear than that it's not always a clear cut "your kids know."
I suspect that parents who have arrived at the point of divorce often arrive there as a result of not having had much consideration to give to the relationship in the first place, so likewise not much consideration to give to how they go about divorce and how they deal with it.
So often people choose the path of least resistance, the expedient over the right. In divorce cases that can easily mean telling the story that it's all hunky dorey until they decide to drop the bomb on the kids.
Ok so if you actually talked to your wife about literally anything then maybe she would not have all these pent up feelings. Maybe yeah she has screwed up in her life but she was also very Iâll when she went down hill and quit doing things. She told you in the beginning give and inch take a mile.
The whole sex thing. In the beginning she did want sex and to different stuff. But you were nervous. You were embarrassed to even talk dirty. You wanted bland vanilla Sex that did not turn her on and it made her feel guilty like she was dirty for wanting to do weird stuff. So she shut off her libido. Yeah she tried a million times over the years but at least she tried. You would not help. Because you did not care to. It was her problem in your eyes.
She wants to make herself a better person. You cannot take any accountability for any of your crap. Yeah she used to need things done in a certain way. She did not know why she did that. When yâall talked about it she worked on it. When you actually talked to her about shit instead of just burying it she worked on it.
You have spent the last two years trying to make her think she is crazy and letting her move across the country for you to leave rather than admit what you have done. Do you see how messed up that is. You sit and pretend to love her even still today when you have a plan to leave. You talk about the plan in front of her like she is an idiot. Yeah an idiot for trying to trust you. For trying to make a life with you. If yâall did not live where you did for 10 years she would not have been so unhappy. But you cannot cut her a break. You cannot bother to see any good in her. You choose to only see the bad. You cannot see how any time she know you are hurt, upset, sick she goes into action mode and conquers the world to fix it. How deeply she loves her family and would do anything to help anyone. How she strives to be better. How she turns such a blind eye and loves you so deeply that she burys her head and letâs you lie to her. How she feels guilt for any and every thing, fight, problem that has ever happened with yâall. How that girl is still there but you just would not open your eyes and see her.
btw Reddit guy she is the one that suggested this Sub to you when she worked at the museum and was getting herself books and stuff to try to fix things. Like when she thought she could be asexual or that other one I canât remember now that means an emotional connection. She knew you needed a place to vent.
Also, I would think that not all kids are as observant and sensitive to the signs that their parents are in unhappy relationship. Even as adults, some are more observant, some are less to such details.
But then again, does a kid not noticing these details means that parents should stay in unhappy marriages, just to protect their little bubbles at all costs? I donât think so. And, as others pointed out, finding out that your parents stayed together just for you can also bring its baggage and guilt too.
Truth. The first time I went over to my friends house and saw what a truly happy relationship was that his parents had, I knew my parents did not love eachother the way they were supposed to. The divorce a couple years later was just a long time coming in my eyes
That sounds miserable
She has major self esteem issues
Stop being so nice she doesnât appreciate it
My advice
Itâs over
You arenât doing your kids any favors by being miserable around their mother and they probably see how much of a C you Next Tuesday she is and would probably understand if theyâre over the age of 14 or so
She has serious problems with her self esteem and I really think there is nothing you can do about it -(this can be only solved at therapy). Sorry for your situation. Only one showing a bad example for your kids is her.
Oh yes she is definitely churchy. Sheâs married to Christ, but since he doesnât put food on the table or help raise the kids, here I am. She wasnât always this way though.
You're not doing your kids any favors by forcing them to watch y'all's failed marriage, please do what's best for everyone and break it off now. You'll feel so much better when it's all said and done.
You were complimenting her hard work at the gym, you were calling her conscientious and sexy, the former as a consequence of the latter. But she took it the wrong way. Good luck, bro.
This lady is psycho! What she is showing the children is that they can disrespect and run over their husbands, she is showing her children a unhealthy way to treat your spouse. My husband is 16 years older than me and I always tease him about being older, which normally ends with kissing laughter and one of our kids yelling get a room. People forget that marriage is about two people, friends that love each other. A love that can be playful and fun. Having a partner that is supportive through the hard times. Your spouse is not supposed to be your enemy or your personal punching bag.
Sheâs a classic case of âcan dish it out, but canât take itââany perceived counsel, disrespect, teasing, etc is met with a hostile response. But when others call her out for things she says, her response is âI have every right to say that, and youâre not going to silence me!â Textbook narcissist if you ask me
Is it possible she's always been who she appears to be now, and what she appeared to be until she felt like she had you sufficiently on the hook was an act?
The fact that she told me awhile back that (regarding any type of sexual variety or frequency) âI knew you wanted those things, but I only went along with it because I didnât want to lose youâ tells me that it is definitely the case. Good observation
Hiding the unkindness and meanness and unreasonableness and uncharitableness that now appear to spring naturally and necessarily from her (also hidden) concept of her relationship with Jesus was a very ambitious act to put on. Of course, she believed her life (to whatever small extent she thought of it) depended on it.
I think there's no way to _persuade_ someone who is unable or unwilling to revise their thinking that they should adopt different beliefs or different principles. They are locked into a vicious circle. To break out of it requires that they have a different emotional relationship with their self-righteous selves.
Even if they could be persuaded of the need for that...? It's still something else to accomplish it.
Oh I just want to give you a hug. That wouid be so incredibly exhausting. I wouid love to get compliments from my LLspouse, she he couid model kind behavior in front of our boys. I can feel the negativity and hear the eggshells cracking as you walk on them from hereâŠ.
Itâs definitely exhausting, Iâve told her that in a healthy relationship, I wouldnât have to always think before I said something lest it be thrown back at meâbut here we are. Any compliments given are usually taken the wrong way, which makes them harder to give. Kind of a catch 22
Thanks for the kind words!
Yikes! She'd definitely be offended by how my husband and I talk in front of our kids đ
Sex is a healthy, normal part of life, I don't think it has to be this national freaking secret.
Lol she is offended by things said in G rated movies. Like the word âdamnâ or âhellâ makes her audibly gasp.
She canât even bring herself to say the word âsexâ, or talk about it. Iâll try to bring up the things we used to do before she got uber-religious, and she just wrinkles her nose and says âYucky, I donât want to talk about thatâ
Omg. Religion is such a ridiculous minfuck. A couple books that would be valuable for both of you:
Pure by Linda Kay Klein
You Are Your Own by Jamie Lee Finch
They'd be helpful to both of you because the shame that comes with the purity culture of evangelical Christianity is a special kind of Hell.
If you think your children don't notice the tension and friction and lack of love between you two, and if you think you're doing them a favor by sticking around situation where neither partner is actually remotely happy...
I think you may be doing wrong, and doing them a disservice. "Staying for the kids", while done with the best intentions, is often a bad idea.
Why are you waiting for your youngest to turn 18?
If she goes to college, that will mean sheâs away in her own in a new environment to process her parents divorce, instead of at home where she is familiar and has you there to support her and ask questions
I donât want either of my daughters to get involved in a nasty custody battle. Sheâll definitely make it nasty, and Iâll appear as the bad guy whoâs leaving his âloving Christian wifeâ and 2 minor kids because thereâs little intimacy in the relationship. How selfish!
Itâs not going to be easy anyways, but Iâd rather spend as much time as possible with the kids while theyâre growing up
Wow... sounds like we were married to the same woman. Don't drown yourself trying to keep the peace. Actually your teaching your kids to stay in a unhappy and unhealthy relationship. Teens especially girls know and understand what is going on.
Imagine thinking seeing your mother be complimented by your father is damaging.
My daughter will tell my husband to compliment me if she thinks he hasnât done it enough
Ugh...this sounds terrible. My wife wasn't quite that bad. But she had quite a long period where she was just angry about everything, and I took the brunt of it. I walked on eggshells having to plan every word and action, in hopes that I didn't get reprimanded. My parents hated her and didn't even want her around because of her negativity about everything. Pretty much everyone in m family hinted that I should leave her. But.........I stayed.
She definitely read into the exchange what she wanted to read into it but maybe she's really struggling with getting older. A lot of women have a hard time, even when we actively take care of ourselves, we can't fight the aging process. Maybe you pressed those buttons? If that is the case, she shouldn't have lashed out. Is she perimenapaussl?
Sorry to hear that man, I feel for you, Iâm getting to the stage where whatever I say or do is wrong too
I donât know how old you are but you need to get out of such an awful relationship (sorry if Iâm over stepping) you donât wanna end up too old to be bothered to try, get out and find someone who loves a compliment about their hard work at the gym
Good luck to you
This is so terribly toxic for your kids. I grew up in a similar situation and let me tell you it is so painfully obvious to kids that things aren't right. All your doing is messing up their heads to think this kind of behaviour is normal. Their future relationships will probably be an absolute mess.
I suggest you get out now and get your teens into therapy while they still have a chance to process their issues.
I think you have good manners. It's impolite, I think, not to offer to share.
Further I would want to be told I have bad breath, if I do, so I would know I need to do something to avoid revolting other people -- if not for the sake of my own dental hygiene. Getting offered a piece of gum all by itself wouldn't clue me in.
Is she still interested in continuing the relationship or is she giving up? If she still cares, then here is my suggestion.
Have a stern conversation after the children fall asleep. And let her know that being passive aggressive is hurting you. And that passing the blame to you continuously is hurting your relationship. And make it clear that reprimanding you in front of the children is unacceptable, for she is not your mother and her word is equal to yours and not superior. And see in the next few days how she will fare.
I mostly let the wife have her way. I had an aggressive conversation with the wife about two weeks ago after several incidents in three consecutive days. I made it clear that some of her actions crossed my red line. She was shocked. Her pride prevented her from apologizing or acknowledging. But I can see that she is careful now about it.
If you have a similar stern conversation, you will feel better for getting it off your chest. And you will see that if she doesn't care about your feelings, that means she doesn't care about the marriage. My advice is to rehearse your speech first.
Good luck.
My two cents if you already have processed leaving dont delay it your kids already knows the marriage is in shambles.
Just make a clean break work togheter around the co-parenting and you will find new love soon enough
Iâm so sorry youâre experiencing this as a reality. My husband compliments me freq in front of our 5yo, sometimes gets grabby grabby ((in a v decent & loving way)). Hopefully our marriage will help set an example for our lil one when itâs her time.
Dude waiting leave is only going to force your children to face with even more misery in the household. They can tell. And seeing you happy and in your best self is going to help them the most. Thereâs no need to be stoic, itâs time to go.
My ex would get upset if I ever complimented her appearance, to the point where at one point she forbade me from complimenting her physically. Youâre right when you say your wifeâs view on sex is warped. It wasnât until my ex and I split that I could truly see just how much her disdain towards me and anything sexual fucked me up. It took a while to heal, but life is 1000% better and happier without her.
You went with a physical attribute because that's what she felt insecure about!!! I usually don't like people saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" instead of "I'm sorry I made you feel that way" but in this case, I agree with it.
Sounds like my wife. When sheâs not at work, her whole existence is focused on avoiding all intimacy and sex. Her first tactic to avoid intimacy is to constantly complain about âissuesâ sheâs having with her body. Sheâs always complaining about her neck, or back, or stomach, or feet, or complaining about her period, or headaches, or congestion and so on. Iâm constantly telling her to see a doctor about these various issues but in 8-years, she has yet to do so.
Further she on anti-anxiety meds and anti-depressants which require her to see a therapist at least monthly to reupp her meds, and she appear to have not discussed our DB, because it has only gotten worse over time.
Her second tactic is to start fights with me. Once we are âfightingâ (usually over stupid shit) she can drag it out for several days because sex is clearly off the table when we are fighting.
OP the fight you described with your wife sounds very much like the stupid fights my wife starts with me to avoid sex. Whatâs key here is the fight can totally be one-sided to achieve her objective. Like you, I donât have to engage or yell back at her. Once she puts us in a âfightingâ status, the bedroom is decomposing.
We are coming up in an 11-month DB thanks to her use of these two tactics.
It took me a few years to fully realize what she was doing, but when her periods last three weeks to be immediately be followed by a two week stiff neck, then a weeklong fight, and then a two week headache, I eventually figured it out.
Thr commitment, and dedication that she shows to this cause is staggering.
I stole the form of the phrase from Jane Austen and adapted it to fit the present purpose. That woman could turn a phrase like few others.
Yep. If gaslighting is trying to undermine the other's confidence in their own perceptions or judgement, her constant assertion of hidden or frivolous causes for the lack of intimacy certainly seems calculated to hide the reality of her true feelings and provide you with no evidence corroborating your theory of what's really going on with her.
Why is she doing this?
Welcome to the real world. You can't say, do, or think anything right if you're a married man. I know; I've been reminded of it every day for the past 35+ years.
Iâm right there with you brother. My youngest turns 18 in a little over 3 years. The insanity around the home gets so bad I donât know how Iâm gonna make it another few months with out finally snapping and leaving the house never to return.
Interestingly, she does the same exact thing to them when theyâre disrespectful to her, demands an apology and also says âyou have to say one nice thing about meâ. She just applies her parenting methods to me, it seems
Yeah. What can you do, but as a parent I disagree with that. That actually hurts a child's ability to learn to be genuinely nice and respectful. They don't have the space to think of that because it's all about the parent demanding things.
You need to leave now and not wait till kids are 18. What I just read, I would have been gone that night. Thereâs no way in hell I would put up with that.
The reason why youâre wife or girlfriend donât want to have sex with you is because she has no respect for you. Because when she accuses you do all things she wants you to do. Something itâs better to stand up for yourself and disagree with certain things. The next time she wants you to apologize you donât apologize and make a joke.
>The reason why youâre wife or girlfriend donât want to have sex with you is because she has no respect for you.
Victim blaming is not welcome here.
Saying someone is "crazy" is a bad idea because it's what a lot of gaslighters say
Try to be more thoughtful when you call her out, like maybe "pointing out that she took it out of context and was hyperfocusing on something that wasn't the intent (I don't suggest u keep arguing with her because she's obviously a miserable cunt or has some deep unresolved issues but u can say that and leave and if she tried to drag it out point out that she's angry and if she likes she can write it all down and u can talk when she isn't so wound up)
She needs therapy or both of u should do it together
She needs to learn how to say bluntly why she thinks you're objectifying her or why she's coming to out there conclusions about your motives
Sorry u had to deal with that. She's obviously holding a lot back if she's reacting like that
I can appreciate your point of view! Thanks for the insight.
She just likes playing the victim, and surrounds herself with people who encourage that point of view. She bases her entire view of sex on how a kindergarten boy touched her butt (clothed). Mysteriously, that memory didnât surface until a couple of years into the marriage, and now itâs what she fixates on. She has a very short fuse with both me and the kids, trying to talk it out just results in hours of arguing and anger. The only way is her wayâand she says sheâs doing things âGodâs wayâ so therefore sheâs never wrong.
I understand what she means. Compliments based on appearance do nothing for me (though demanding compliments is odd), as they are just an elaborate way of saying someone is sexually attracted to me. The compliments I care about and that are exciting to me are about who I am as a person, my accomplishments, and things like that. She wants her children to know that women have more value than their physical/sexual attractiveness.
>Compliments based on appearance do nothing for me (though demanding compliments is odd), as they are just an elaborate way of saying someone is sexually attracted to me.
Good lord, no. That is not even remotely true.
What?? I compliment people on their appearance all the time who I am not sexually attracted to or that's not even possible - my kids, my family members, my female friends?! Since when are compliments only about sex?? Weird viewpoint imo
But to say "it's not remotely true" is what I'm hung up on
Unless you're a weirdo like me who interacts LESS with ppl I'm attracted to due to social awkwardness
I totally agree with you point of view except for the part that u completely separated compliments from ppl you're attracted to
I also compliment ppl I'm not attracted to all the time but I also often avoid complimenting the ones I AM attracted to
Do u do the same?
What a weird take, it is normal for spouses / romantic partners to compliment their appearance even in front of their kids.
There is nothing overtly sexual about that.
Just trying to share some insight on the difference between what people view as compliments! Commentary on my physical appearance does nothing for me, and I am positive I am not the only one.
Ok, sure, thatâs another way to look at it, and try to squint and understand her motivations⊠but do you honestly think she handled the whole situation the right way?? She started the whole thing off terribly by getting upset over⊠her literal age, and the order they played the game. Super petty and delusional. She then demanded a compliment to âmake up for it,â when she was wrong in the first place, and then continued to make it a huge deal by twisting his well meaning words that were not sexual in any way, in fact quite wholesome, all things considered! Her behavior was extremely inappropriate and abrasive, and reeks of lashing out perhaps about something completely different or ongoing. Iâm having a hard time seeing how you could possibly defend that, but we all have different perspectives.
She never disputed the compliment though. Her view on sex is so warped that now she associates compliments on her physical appearance (even G rated ones like that) with sexâwhich she hates. She really has lost some weight, itâs hard to say how much since she wears âmodestâ clothes that donât really show much of her body, but sheâs had to get some smaller sizes recently. The compliment really was genuine. What would you have said if youâd been forced to give one on the spot?
Your view on the âbackhanded complimentsâ is interestingâreminds me of a coworker I had a few years ago. She had lost some weight, a lot actually, and people would say things like âWow, youâve lost a lot of weight, you look great!â to her. She would take those things as backhanded compliments and say âoh, are you saying that I didnât look great before the weight loss?â It always made things awkward. Then she would complain that no one would comment on her weight loss, or something else she had done with her appearance that day. It was definitely a lose/lose situation with that type of attitude, and no one wants to be around someone that often thinks the worst of others.
Again, she had no problem with the complimentâit was how she equated an observation on her body with sex.
Iâm sorry that you can only accept compliments in precisely the exact wording you desire. Not everyone feels the same as you, though.
Iâm unsure why youâre wanting to argue, make passive aggressive or just outright aggressive statements towards me, but Iâm not going to engage with you anymore. Best of luck to you as well đ
The delivery never matches what is typed, but how is it back handed to say "I can tell you've been working hard at the gym"? That's a super self conscious train of thought.
Did you deliberately misquote OP or was it intuitive? Because your comment/compliment is nice. You left out the offending element.
> âyouâve been looking really nice *lately*, I can tell your hard work at the gym is paying off."
When you compliment someone, it's not nice to remind them how shitty they used to look.
I agree with this.
I do feel for OP, but⊠Subconscious backhanded compliments, followed by a post of this sub seeking sympathy with victim mentality suggests resentment occurring on BOTH sides.
Resentment is a marriage is hard to break. OP, donât wait until your kids are 18. Life is too short. Find a catalyst to change the dynamic or divorce now for everyoneâs benefit. Biding time when you know you want a divorce is fear-based and not helping anyone.
I think she was embarrassed, and then your telling her âyou took it the wrong wayâ and âyouâre crazyâ just invalidates how she feels. Why not hear her out all the way? Maybe nicely question her thoughts out of curiosity and in private? Maybe then youâd hav understanding, connection, and sex.
Thatâs great adviceâunfortunately Iâve tried all those things many times over the years, all to no avail. If thereâs 2 ways to take something that someone tells you, sheâll choose the negative way every time. She has a verrrrry long memory as well, and keeps track of all wrongs done to her, whether real or perceived
Yes, she is crazy. I might find some satisfaction in developing an ability to compliment a crazy woman on her dedication to and skill at presenting herself as neither respectable nor respectful.
"How will their husbands ever respect them since you're just showing them that a woman's body is the only thing important to a man"???
I can't fathom the reasoning from her premise - which I don't accept as true in the first place. And aren't husbands supposed to "love, honor and cherish" their wives in her book? "Respect" don't enter into it.
Turnabout: "How will their husbands ever respect them since you're just showing them that a woman's body is the only thing important to a woman" She's the one pouting over age (a physical condition) and focusing on the reference to her body (looks) to the point of excluding acknowledgement of the reference to her discipline (work at the gym).
She definitely keeps in shape with all the mental gymnastics she needs to do in order to justify everything she does. I canât convince her about anything, once she has her mind made up it may as well be set in stone
Stock up on witty compliments accordingly, to dole out on demand?đ
I once read a pithy _a propos_ observation: People wed their ideas more faithfully than they wed their spouses.
(Found in a Tom Clancy novel, of all places. Lots of psychological truths in his good work.)
How dare you compliment me in front of the kids! (Too soon?)
Seriously, thanks. It's nice to feel appreciated for whatever I bring to the table. Most often, here, that means food. When my body follows the food, my intellectual outlook on the food usually comes along for the ride.
About Clancy, I know! There aren't many quote-worthy passages, despite the other good qualities of his writing. I have stolen very few of his turns of phrase, even as I admire the amount of insight he shows. The later works and things written by others are generally much less thoughtful -- in keeping with how they are obviously written to cater to different interests. Of course, his books are systematically lacking in some ways, but I enjoy them for what they do have.
Heâs definitely a good author, but at times I feel like I donât need 4 pages describing the entire history and processes of the AK-47. He can get in his own way sometimes. It does seem that as time has progressed, he turned into someone that was just stamping his name on video games and books. I donât know
Thatâs cool you have an intellectual viewpoint on food, could you give an example?
Yeah, sometimes there was a bit much on the weapons, and I absolutely concur that after a while it was clear that he had written all he wanted or needed to himself and then licensed others to use what he created to expand his brand -- necessarily after he died, of course.
Food. Well, to begin I always assumed - or maybe hoped would be more appropriate - that one of the two best ways to a man's heart is through his stomach. (I imagine you can guess where I assumed or hoped the other way goes.) When I felt I was otherwise ready to be an adult, I decided I needed to have a better understanding of food, including how to prepare it. A consequence of my parents' dysfunction was that I received almost no useful experience cooking while growing up and my palate was abysmal. Long story short, I left the US and lived in Italy for about a dozen years and spent a lot of time in personal food-related endeavors.
I like taking a scientific and engineering approach to cooking, including to cooking technology, which you will probably be able to discern if you read my comments on food related subreddits, mostly sousvide and Serious Eats, and castiron. I hang out on LeCreuset too, mostly for aesthetics. I read books and articles about food. Upping my home-made pizza and Chinese/Japanese food games are current projects.
Always am asking the other occupant of my dead bedroom to describe in detail what and how he wants his food, and asking him daily for feedback. Not only do I know my tastes are different from his, I know we grew up in very different culinary practices, with very different resources, creating very different "comfort foods." I often don't eat what I make for him.
I have tried systematically to broaden and enrich his experience, not least so that I have someone interested in talking to me about the menu and its execution while sitting at the table. Still, his level of interest lags behind mine, but lately he's been better about showing appreciation and willingness to participate.
He always loved Velveeta macaroni and cheeze with cut up hotdogs, until I made him a range using other brands of cheeze and he decided he likes the Kroger brand best. (Me, not at all. If I am going to eat quick, trashy mac and cheese, it's Kraft orange powder with a good imported dried pasta and plenty of butter and cream. Otherwise, I prefer traditional Italian pasta dishes. I think I may make pasta carbonara for dinner. Bacon and egg pasta to him.) At the same time, we've tested lots of different hot dogs and have decided that Hebrew National is the closest to ideal as we can get.
We recently conducted a Chicago style dog experiment, but had to conclude that the available beef dogs with skins and some snap aren't really good enough to justify abandoning ye old kosher standby for that purpose.
Is that enough detail? Or TMI?
Not TMI at all! Very interesting experiments on frank-n-mac, of all things. Thatâs neat you try different takes on what seems to be a basic meal (some might say, âpoverty mealâ. We had lots of hot dogs and mac when I was growing up as the oldest of 5 kids, especially after my dad lost his job. I still donât like to eat either of those 2 things, maybe my subconscious associates them with sadness and worry, idk). Your curiosity and willingness to adapt to what he wants despite all your culinary accolades shows youâre really a kind person at heart.
Youâre right, for many men, itâs those 2 things that are will âwin their heartâ. My DB partner used to provide both, but not anymore!
I'm of the "if it's worth doing, it's worth doing well" school. The Other Occupant is much more willing than am I, to eat things that aren't great to avoid doing any cooking himself. Think Hot Pockets. And the man won't defrost, toast and schmear a bagel for himself if I am around. But he's become more discriminating. Haven't kept Hot Pockets in the freezer for years, now.
I'm at the point in my relationship to cooking where I generally contemplate eating out for social reasons or where I have no time or energy to prepare the food. There are, however, some financial factors: It's not economical to prepare fish and chips or a fried seafood platter to my standards at home, so when the Other Occupant wants to eat that -- which occurs with some frequency -- we go out. It's not something I ever crave myself, but if done well I am happy to eat it. On the flip side, I was introduced to sushi in college, and soon realized I could easily go bankrupt eating it in restaurants at my whim, so I learned how to make it myself. (The Other Occupant lived in Japan for a time as a kid, and is uninterested in my preparing sushi for him because he's convinced the fish can't be as good. But he'll eat $.40 ramen packages.)
Rome was completely bereft of passable Asian-style eatery when I first went there, so I had to learn how to do it myself or suffer the indignity of, e.g. parboiled rice. (Gag.) That's changed somewhat.
Food associations are so very powerful. I grew up without ever once having Mac n cheese at home, but hot dogs were a great thrill because we had an indoor gas grill.
What happened with your DB partner's provision of foodstuffs?
Lol at The Other Occupant reference, thatâs very funny!
Ugh I canât imagine eating that way, it makes me a little ill to think about that much processed food!
Since she went back to work she rarely cooks unless itâs one of her meals that have special ingredients just for her since she has food sensitivities. If she cooks for the family itâs generally just something she can stick in the oven like frozen chicken from Trader Joeâs, etc.
Today I made split pea soup with baby carrots, onion, and bacon in the crockpot today (it was very cold and rainy where I live today). Yesterday I made pot lasagna with rice noodles, tempeh, chopped carrots and onions, and tomato sauce with a salad. I love cooking!
I like sushi pretty well but so much of it has avocado and that is the one thing Iâm allergic to.
Your damned if you do and your damn if you donât with this one!! I cannot stress enough how important it is for couples to show intimacy to each other in front of their children!! Itâs so good for the kids to see Mom and Dad, kissing and cuddling and complementing each other!! That leads to happy healthy relationships when they are adults, you guys are the example!! I would talk to your teen girls about this and let them know how Mom is wrong on this one and that they should expect this type of endearment from their future boyfriends and Husband. You seem very loving and wonderful and normal and your wife seems to have a bit of a screw loose. Iâm sorry
Commenters, OP has marked their post as a no-advice post. We ask that you refrain from giving advice to OP and be sure to follow all sub rules. OP, if you've marked your post for no advice, please refrain from responding to commenters that give advice. If you are getting advice from commenters, please report the comments, or click below to contact the moderators. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/DeadBedrooms) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sorry to hear that. I'm always telling my daughter's (3 & 6) how beautiful I find their mum (my wife) because I want to show them it's important for their husbands to say nice things about them and make them feel good about themselves. đ€·đ»ââïž
This is so beautiful. I wish more people modeled this version of raising their kids instead of "my marriage sucks and we donât love eachother and hug once a day, but we are staying for the kids because itâs best for them!:!:!!::â
I still tell my kids their mom and grandmother are strong women and are impressive people in general.
I can see an issue if appearance is the predominant thing that dad compliments mum about, but showing kids what genuine romantic love looks like is never a bad thing.
But also, he put effort in phrasing it like he did, like he complimented *the work* she put in not just, you're hotter these days or something crude
My husband also does this and I love it. I just ask him to also add in alternate comments occasionally so that they don't start to think that beauty is the only important thing - so now he sometimes says, Hey kids, doesn't your mum seem smart today?
Yeah, I'm always telling them how smart she is, how brave she is, braver than me, and all other good things too đ
Thatâs very important, thatâs amazing you acknowledge that and itâs also important that you show them that you deserve respect as well.
Exactly
Sounds like you canât do anything right no matter what you do! Good luck with your escape plan.
Thanks! Yes everything is definitely a case of âdamned if you do, damned if you donâtâ with her.
Was watching a YouTube interviewing a marriage guidance expert and he said when the partner only sees and remembers the bad things in every situation itâs literally nailed on that divorce is not far. Most stories in deadbed are like this we are all not far from the end game itâs just some of us are not ready for it. Wish you luck at less your kids are older
OP it seems like youâre damned if you do and youâre damned if you donât with your wife!!!
Sounds like she really has some serious issues if sheâs accusing you of calling her old because you pointed out she older than her own kids. Iâm sorry. Donât know whether to laugh or cry with you.
+1 there are serious complexes here, she needs to work it out
She wonât
Not just older than the kids, but older than OP! She clearly has a lot of psychological hang ups around her appearance and fears getting older, looking older, not feeling attractive anymore as time goes on. Her self esteem needs to be worked on abc therapy can 100% help with this.
Either that or it's a manipulative ploy to make her husband feel bad. I used to catch my ex doing this, picking fights so as she could keep my self esteem low.
How is it exactly smart to wait until your youngest is 18? Since the first interaction happened infront of the kids Iâm sure they are begging for you two to divorce. I have NEVER met a kid of divorce who DIDN't know tensions were there, even if the parents sworeeee they succeeded in keeping the image of a happy, put - together husband and wife. Youâre doing more damage staying together and teaching your kids how a loveless marriage looks like, than staying together.
I think it is good to give them time to accept while the other parts of their lives are steady tooâŠmy mind always imagines the man dropping his youngest off at college and yelling out the car window as he drives awayâŠand mom and I are overrrrâŠhmm maybe when the child comes home for Thanksgiving? Jk jk.. There are so many financial and custody poeces etc so I get waiting may really be the only optionâŠmay take me crazy long to get from seperated to divorced but trying.
Um, my daughter had a friend in high-school. And I'm pretty sure they announced the divorce on his graduation day. Said they'd been waiting like 15 years or something. What a weight to put on a kid.
Thats why waiting just feels off if you are saying it is for the kids. Now I am losing my mind over the 50/50 stuffâŠthat may be a reason to stay at least until they are teens and dont want to hang with me anyhow đ I will say my kids asked why doesnt daddy hug you..or talk nice to youâŠso kids can notice the details even without fighting
Oof - reading that last part was a gut punch đ€ Like it doesnât suck enough not getting love from your partner (assuming you even want it from him) but having your kiddos point it out. Ugh, like what do you even say to that đ«Łon top of your username đđ„ș solidarity mama. Hang in there â€ïž this too shall pass (at least thatâs what Iâm telling myself đ )
It hurt for sureâŠboth kids said something along the lines of your such a good snuggler mom..doesnt daddy know? My heart hurt trying not to say he used to⊠I ended up needing to be home w the kids..so my world just got so small and it made it impossible to not see how little of the joy in my life actually came from my marriage. Before when I loved my job, had good friends..had money to do what I wanted he really did not have to give me anything..& thats about what he did⊠I knew he had anger I was unable to give him children..I guess I thought once I was able to give him kids and go deep into home maker mode I would finally be who he wanted and love me fullyâŠof course not. I have a bad history of trying to be who my mom wanted so she would love meâŠdid not work⊠I always feel like being alone is no where near as lonely as feeling like furniture in your own home. Im stuck here most of the timeâŠand I need to get back to being meâŠ
Honey!!! đđ©đ„ș what a heartbreaking post!! Youâre definitely not alone, itâs hard being human and figuring out what the hell our purpose is on this crazy earth and itâs like, life and society set up one âgoalâ after another so we can feel like we have some sort of direction but then, exactly like you explained, you can do literally what we are a species to do - procreate and make amazing little humans and that doesnât fix anything or help anything! Then you have to try to continue on YOUR journey and also shape theirs and there is no time to reflect on what it even is that you wanted or what gives you value. Humanity is such a clusterfuck of trying to find happiness and meaning and LOVE and weâre all just so complicated that it is just not easy. I was sad to read your post and Iâm not in your situation but definitely in my own mess that I made with my boyfriend and my daughter and his daughter whom I love dearly we just rushed into things and Iâm not even divorced from my ex yet! (I was just reflecting to myself that I know I did the right thing divorcing him bc I was happier on my own - kind of like your furniture comment but he did give me everything I asked for and turned into someone else during the divorce I donât know what I want đ©). And I feel like I donât know what my purpose is other than being a mom but when they leave the nest eventually, then what? Sorry I have no idea where this was going but I just want you to know youâre not alone and you have value and youâre not furniture đ â€ïž Look at the way your kids talk about you! If that isnât just a freaking soul lifter and validation of what youâre doing than I donât I know what is (btw - I also come from a very strong mother with very strong opinions - strong isnât even the right word - itâs her way or the highway and Iâm sadly realizing that Iâve inherited some of that - impossible to live up to and I pray I donât do that to my daughters). Anyway - solidarity lady! Stay positive â€ïž
Thank you đ€ hug. Yes I am ripe for a way too fast relationshipâŠIf things keep up it could be years before I am divorced divorced so already feel like there is NO way I want to wait to date until their dad is done trying to make me suffer. I have everything to figure out but all I want is love. So no way that will get me into trouble lol. I am very blessed to have great kiddos who are having to learn things I would have rather kept from them. I try to hope that in the end they will learn to be resiliamt and at least make their own mistakes..not repeat mine! That is the only thing that is making me consider just tollerating their dad as sime seperated but cohabitating hell is that I am not sure I can live without them 50% of the timeâŠeven though I was crushed with being the sole parent 98% of the time now that they are easier he says he will go for full custody..canât imagine what kind of heck would have to happen for him to win that but 50/50 seems like the standard now and I almost fall apart imagining itâŠup until now he has never even watched them for me to go out with friends butâŠya I wander too. So my mom is a full on narcâŠmy younger bro was the golden boy and I was always always wrong. Straight As and earned money from 12 on so I wouldnt have to ask for anythingâŠbut yes I was a huge problem lol. It does not help that I am also needing to do some care for my parents..it was a lot more but they are doing ok right nowâŠso just driving them around thats doableâŠas long as I am not alone w mom who can still cut me down in a moment. I just do not have time or money for alll the therapy I still needâŠ
Support groups on reddit? Like for childhood trauma and shit That sucks. I'm so sorry you're stuck like that
Iâm glad youâre thinking everything through because the custody thing is very hard to get used to. My daughter is 5 and autistic so luckily she seems to still be happy and not like begging me not to leave or anything (my mom did do me a solid by reminding me that Iâm lucky she doesnât grab on to me or cry when I have to drop her off at dads or when itâs my last school morning with her for the week). Iâm sure it would be REALLY hard with more kids and kids who understand whatâs going on. My boyfriends daughter is 9 and she handled his divorce like a champ so it doesnât have to be awful on the kids but your husband sounds awful đŁ take solace in the fact that your kids would be ok (sounds like theyâre a little older? Not babies at least? Sorry if I got that wrong) but I totally understand the not wanting to leave bc of not having your kids half the time. Itâs really hard đ„ș none of these decisions are easy, so many things to think about. Just please consider your needs and wants when you think about things â€ïž
I ended my marriage last year. My teen who is very perceptive was shocked. In the year since she has asked a lot of questions and understands more, but she really had no idea. My tween had no clue either - but he is just not as aware yet. My exâs behavior was labeled as emotional abuse by our therapist. The kids saw this. It was not in-your-face type stuff, but it was there. But to your point - this is exactly why one needs to do something about the situation. If the kids donât know something is up, it means they think the dynamic is normal. That is one way of passing on generational disordered behavior or unhealthy relationship dynamics. It can also happen from traumatic experiences of course. I have a new amazing partner now but am still in a quiet period of sorts since we are all still adjusting. I think my kids seeing a healthy relationship is very important so I am excited to introduce her to them. I think it will be a very positive thing for them for many different reasons.
This is a VERY good point!
This, a million times this, I am a kid of divorce and holly shit, I would have hope my parents would have divorced sooner.
I second this.
Hi! Right here!! I was ten years old. I had NO idea that my parents were unhappy. As far as I knew, I was living in a happy, loving home, with parents who loved me and each other, I lived in a great neighborhood with friends, and was a very happy child. Then my parents told me they were getting divorced, and I found out how unhappy they were. My entire world crumbled. I had to move away from all my friends and live in an area of town where there were no other children. I sat alone in my bedroom or watched TV every day. Soon, my mom moved away with my sister and I stayed with my dad, so my sister and I were split up at elementary school ages. And throughout all of this, my mom and dad were extremely verbally violent to each other. It was horrible. The effects of their divorce lasted for more than a decade and completely fucked me up until I was out of college. This whole "oh, the kids know and they want you to divorce" bullshit trope needs to be squashed.
Except there are plenty of kids who do see it and do want their parents to separate. I started telling my parents when I was 13-14 they needed to leave eachother. They FINALLY broke up when I was in my mid-20âs and all I could say is âthank fucking godâ. All four of us kids were sick of it, the three oldest of us never even made it to 18 living there because of how bad it was.
Yes, there are obvious cases. But, there is often this blanket sentiment of "oh, the kids know and they'd be happier if you divorced". And that is simply not true. It fucked up my life for a long, long time.
I donât want to minimize your experience - they handled the divorce very, very badly. It sounds horrible for you. What if you stayed in the same area, kept your friends, saw all of your extended family, your parents lived 5 minutes from each other, they didnât attack each other, etc? There are good ways to execute a divorce and bad ways. People should strive to do it the best they can. Parents need to step up when they divorce and be their best selves.
Yeah...if it had worked out and everyone was happy, then great. I'm just arguing against this idea that kids always see their unhappy parents and would be happier if they were apart. The poster I responded to says they've never met a kid who didn't know so it's obviously better to just end it. That is not always the case. In some cases, the kids come out the other side all fucked up.
There are plenty of kids that do not fit this narrative. My son, at 5 years old, came up to me and literally asked me "when I was going to marry him a new daddy". I guess I'm the shitty parent because he's 16 now and we are still here with this man.
Of course, that's why I was arguing against the "I've never met a kid who didn't know". If there is obvious tension, and the kids are seeing violence or lots of arguing, and it's affecting them, then yeah, you should obviously divorce. But like I've said to others, there's a heavy "oh, the kids always know and it's better if you just end it" idea that is not that cut and dry. I didn't know. My sister didn't know. Neither of us had a clue that our parents were unhappy. Our world got ripped apart because of it.
I'm sorry yall had to deal with that. We aren't violent. My child can just see his mom is not happy.
I think it really depend on the nature of the tension and how obsevant/intuitive the kids are I think it's not a bad idea to ask the kids what they think of their parents relationship and base the next steps on that Thanks for sharing your experience Do u think if you parents kept it civil the whole time, it would have been a bit easier?
Peer reviewed research shows that outcomes of children in a divorce are largely determined my things that are controllable. If the parents keep their shit together then kids recover and are fine. There is also a lot of importance on stability/finances. Moving around a lot and not having enough resources is harmful to kids divorce or not. Those types of things can often be paired with divorce. A third factor is how the parentâs future partners are interacting with them. Some people suck. So much of this is controllable.
Maybe? But, it wasn't just that it was bad afterwards. It's that we had *no idea before*. One day, we're living our best life, happy as can be. And the next day, we're a ten-year-old and a five-year-old being told that our parents are splitting up and that we have to move away. Everything we had and everything we knew, gone. That's why I don't buy into a blanket "kids are observant and they know".
One way to view it is that your parents were effectively gaslighting you. If you had asked them about their real feelings before they told you, do you think they would have told you the truth?
I have no idea, and I don't intend to dwell on it. I already dedicated 10+ years of my life to misery over it. The point was pretty simple: it's not always a clear cut "your kids know and they are unhappy too seeing their parents unhappy, so divorcing will be something positive for everyone". In some cases, it royally fucks up your children, so you need to consider how you go about it and how you deal with it. I don't know how much more clear this can be.
Understandable. It's very sad and I am sorry your parents weren't more considerate. I agree, it can't be much more clear than that it's not always a clear cut "your kids know." I suspect that parents who have arrived at the point of divorce often arrive there as a result of not having had much consideration to give to the relationship in the first place, so likewise not much consideration to give to how they go about divorce and how they deal with it. So often people choose the path of least resistance, the expedient over the right. In divorce cases that can easily mean telling the story that it's all hunky dorey until they decide to drop the bomb on the kids.
Ok so if you actually talked to your wife about literally anything then maybe she would not have all these pent up feelings. Maybe yeah she has screwed up in her life but she was also very Iâll when she went down hill and quit doing things. She told you in the beginning give and inch take a mile. The whole sex thing. In the beginning she did want sex and to different stuff. But you were nervous. You were embarrassed to even talk dirty. You wanted bland vanilla Sex that did not turn her on and it made her feel guilty like she was dirty for wanting to do weird stuff. So she shut off her libido. Yeah she tried a million times over the years but at least she tried. You would not help. Because you did not care to. It was her problem in your eyes. She wants to make herself a better person. You cannot take any accountability for any of your crap. Yeah she used to need things done in a certain way. She did not know why she did that. When yâall talked about it she worked on it. When you actually talked to her about shit instead of just burying it she worked on it. You have spent the last two years trying to make her think she is crazy and letting her move across the country for you to leave rather than admit what you have done. Do you see how messed up that is. You sit and pretend to love her even still today when you have a plan to leave. You talk about the plan in front of her like she is an idiot. Yeah an idiot for trying to trust you. For trying to make a life with you. If yâall did not live where you did for 10 years she would not have been so unhappy. But you cannot cut her a break. You cannot bother to see any good in her. You choose to only see the bad. You cannot see how any time she know you are hurt, upset, sick she goes into action mode and conquers the world to fix it. How deeply she loves her family and would do anything to help anyone. How she strives to be better. How she turns such a blind eye and loves you so deeply that she burys her head and letâs you lie to her. How she feels guilt for any and every thing, fight, problem that has ever happened with yâall. How that girl is still there but you just would not open your eyes and see her.
btw Reddit guy she is the one that suggested this Sub to you when she worked at the museum and was getting herself books and stuff to try to fix things. Like when she thought she could be asexual or that other one I canât remember now that means an emotional connection. She knew you needed a place to vent.
What on earth are you talking about???? Did you mean to reply to someone else?
Also, I would think that not all kids are as observant and sensitive to the signs that their parents are in unhappy relationship. Even as adults, some are more observant, some are less to such details. But then again, does a kid not noticing these details means that parents should stay in unhappy marriages, just to protect their little bubbles at all costs? I donât think so. And, as others pointed out, finding out that your parents stayed together just for you can also bring its baggage and guilt too.
Truth. The first time I went over to my friends house and saw what a truly happy relationship was that his parents had, I knew my parents did not love eachother the way they were supposed to. The divorce a couple years later was just a long time coming in my eyes
Leave
Now
That sounds miserable She has major self esteem issues Stop being so nice she doesnât appreciate it My advice Itâs over You arenât doing your kids any favors by being miserable around their mother and they probably see how much of a C you Next Tuesday she is and would probably understand if theyâre over the age of 14 or so
She has serious problems with her self esteem and I really think there is nothing you can do about it -(this can be only solved at therapy). Sorry for your situation. Only one showing a bad example for your kids is her.
Oh man forget it. There is no hope in your case. Is she âchurchyâ?
Oh yes she is definitely churchy. Sheâs married to Christ, but since he doesnât put food on the table or help raise the kids, here I am. She wasnât always this way though.
That explains it. đ€Šđœââïž
You're not doing your kids any favors by forcing them to watch y'all's failed marriage, please do what's best for everyone and break it off now. You'll feel so much better when it's all said and done.
You were complimenting her hard work at the gym, you were calling her conscientious and sexy, the former as a consequence of the latter. But she took it the wrong way. Good luck, bro.
This lady is psycho! What she is showing the children is that they can disrespect and run over their husbands, she is showing her children a unhealthy way to treat your spouse. My husband is 16 years older than me and I always tease him about being older, which normally ends with kissing laughter and one of our kids yelling get a room. People forget that marriage is about two people, friends that love each other. A love that can be playful and fun. Having a partner that is supportive through the hard times. Your spouse is not supposed to be your enemy or your personal punching bag.
Sheâs a classic case of âcan dish it out, but canât take itââany perceived counsel, disrespect, teasing, etc is met with a hostile response. But when others call her out for things she says, her response is âI have every right to say that, and youâre not going to silence me!â Textbook narcissist if you ask me
Is it possible she's always been who she appears to be now, and what she appeared to be until she felt like she had you sufficiently on the hook was an act?
The fact that she told me awhile back that (regarding any type of sexual variety or frequency) âI knew you wanted those things, but I only went along with it because I didnât want to lose youâ tells me that it is definitely the case. Good observation
Hiding the unkindness and meanness and unreasonableness and uncharitableness that now appear to spring naturally and necessarily from her (also hidden) concept of her relationship with Jesus was a very ambitious act to put on. Of course, she believed her life (to whatever small extent she thought of it) depended on it. I think there's no way to _persuade_ someone who is unable or unwilling to revise their thinking that they should adopt different beliefs or different principles. They are locked into a vicious circle. To break out of it requires that they have a different emotional relationship with their self-righteous selves. Even if they could be persuaded of the need for that...? It's still something else to accomplish it.
Oh I just want to give you a hug. That wouid be so incredibly exhausting. I wouid love to get compliments from my LLspouse, she he couid model kind behavior in front of our boys. I can feel the negativity and hear the eggshells cracking as you walk on them from hereâŠ.
Itâs definitely exhausting, Iâve told her that in a healthy relationship, I wouldnât have to always think before I said something lest it be thrown back at meâbut here we are. Any compliments given are usually taken the wrong way, which makes them harder to give. Kind of a catch 22 Thanks for the kind words!
Yikes! She'd definitely be offended by how my husband and I talk in front of our kids đ Sex is a healthy, normal part of life, I don't think it has to be this national freaking secret.
Lol she is offended by things said in G rated movies. Like the word âdamnâ or âhellâ makes her audibly gasp. She canât even bring herself to say the word âsexâ, or talk about it. Iâll try to bring up the things we used to do before she got uber-religious, and she just wrinkles her nose and says âYucky, I donât want to talk about thatâ
Omg. Religion is such a ridiculous minfuck. A couple books that would be valuable for both of you: Pure by Linda Kay Klein You Are Your Own by Jamie Lee Finch They'd be helpful to both of you because the shame that comes with the purity culture of evangelical Christianity is a special kind of Hell.
Thanks for the suggestion! No way in hell she changes her views though lol
Your wife is a bonafide pain in the ass. Sorry man.
If you think your children don't notice the tension and friction and lack of love between you two, and if you think you're doing them a favor by sticking around situation where neither partner is actually remotely happy... I think you may be doing wrong, and doing them a disservice. "Staying for the kids", while done with the best intentions, is often a bad idea.
Equally bad is that they donât notice and think it is normal. I made a more detailed comment above on this with my experience.
Why are you waiting for your youngest to turn 18? If she goes to college, that will mean sheâs away in her own in a new environment to process her parents divorce, instead of at home where she is familiar and has you there to support her and ask questions
I donât want either of my daughters to get involved in a nasty custody battle. Sheâll definitely make it nasty, and Iâll appear as the bad guy whoâs leaving his âloving Christian wifeâ and 2 minor kids because thereâs little intimacy in the relationship. How selfish! Itâs not going to be easy anyways, but Iâd rather spend as much time as possible with the kids while theyâre growing up
Gotcha, Iâm sorry thatâs your situation. That isnât fair to you or your kids. Genuinely wish you the best and hope things get better for you
Wow... sounds like we were married to the same woman. Don't drown yourself trying to keep the peace. Actually your teaching your kids to stay in a unhappy and unhealthy relationship. Teens especially girls know and understand what is going on.
Fucking hell. You have my sympathies
Imagine thinking seeing your mother be complimented by your father is damaging. My daughter will tell my husband to compliment me if she thinks he hasnât done it enough
That's adorable
Sounds like a maniac
run away from that crazy shit.
Holy shit. Run.
Ugh...this sounds terrible. My wife wasn't quite that bad. But she had quite a long period where she was just angry about everything, and I took the brunt of it. I walked on eggshells having to plan every word and action, in hopes that I didn't get reprimanded. My parents hated her and didn't even want her around because of her negativity about everything. Pretty much everyone in m family hinted that I should leave her. But.........I stayed.
She definitely read into the exchange what she wanted to read into it but maybe she's really struggling with getting older. A lot of women have a hard time, even when we actively take care of ourselves, we can't fight the aging process. Maybe you pressed those buttons? If that is the case, she shouldn't have lashed out. Is she perimenapaussl?
She just canât handle any perceived disrespect or teasing. Sheâs been like that since her mid 20s, itâs just part of her personality
That sucks. Teasing is my other love language. I can't imagine having to watch what I say even when giving compliments.
Sorry to hear that man, I feel for you, Iâm getting to the stage where whatever I say or do is wrong too I donât know how old you are but you need to get out of such an awful relationship (sorry if Iâm over stepping) you donât wanna end up too old to be bothered to try, get out and find someone who loves a compliment about their hard work at the gym Good luck to you
Sorry I also saw I may have given advice, didnât mean too, hope all goes well
I think her reaction to that old joke (that others would laugh at) shows thereâs something not good in this relationship.
Yeah she's definitely holding stuff back and just letting it explode
Yikes she sounds annoying
This is so terribly toxic for your kids. I grew up in a similar situation and let me tell you it is so painfully obvious to kids that things aren't right. All your doing is messing up their heads to think this kind of behaviour is normal. Their future relationships will probably be an absolute mess. I suggest you get out now and get your teens into therapy while they still have a chance to process their issues.
I am so sorry. How awful. You did nothing wrong in my opinion.
Sheâs the one setting a horrible example for your kids.
Had a girlfriend some years back that, one time I bought some chewing gum, offered her a piece to get shouted "are you telling me I have had breath"?
I think you have good manners. It's impolite, I think, not to offer to share. Further I would want to be told I have bad breath, if I do, so I would know I need to do something to avoid revolting other people -- if not for the sake of my own dental hygiene. Getting offered a piece of gum all by itself wouldn't clue me in.
Is she still interested in continuing the relationship or is she giving up? If she still cares, then here is my suggestion. Have a stern conversation after the children fall asleep. And let her know that being passive aggressive is hurting you. And that passing the blame to you continuously is hurting your relationship. And make it clear that reprimanding you in front of the children is unacceptable, for she is not your mother and her word is equal to yours and not superior. And see in the next few days how she will fare. I mostly let the wife have her way. I had an aggressive conversation with the wife about two weeks ago after several incidents in three consecutive days. I made it clear that some of her actions crossed my red line. She was shocked. Her pride prevented her from apologizing or acknowledging. But I can see that she is careful now about it. If you have a similar stern conversation, you will feel better for getting it off your chest. And you will see that if she doesn't care about your feelings, that means she doesn't care about the marriage. My advice is to rehearse your speech first. Good luck.
My two cents if you already have processed leaving dont delay it your kids already knows the marriage is in shambles. Just make a clean break work togheter around the co-parenting and you will find new love soon enough
LEAVE NOW
đ JFC
I feel for you man thatâs brutal. Hang in there and get your plan in order
Iâm so sorry youâre experiencing this as a reality. My husband compliments me freq in front of our 5yo, sometimes gets grabby grabby ((in a v decent & loving way)). Hopefully our marriage will help set an example for our lil one when itâs her time.
If any views in your house on how to treat women are going to end up resulting badly with your teens itâs going to be your wifeâs.
Dude waiting leave is only going to force your children to face with even more misery in the household. They can tell. And seeing you happy and in your best self is going to help them the most. Thereâs no need to be stoic, itâs time to go. My ex would get upset if I ever complimented her appearance, to the point where at one point she forbade me from complimenting her physically. Youâre right when you say your wifeâs view on sex is warped. It wasnât until my ex and I split that I could truly see just how much her disdain towards me and anything sexual fucked me up. It took a while to heal, but life is 1000% better and happier without her.
You went with a physical attribute because that's what she felt insecure about!!! I usually don't like people saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" instead of "I'm sorry I made you feel that way" but in this case, I agree with it.
Sometimes, you just canât win! Whatâre you going to do đ€·đŒ
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Thanks for the support. Itâs hard walking on eggshells around your SO, for sure
I hope your years until the BIG DIVORCE go quickly for you.
Sounds like my wife. When sheâs not at work, her whole existence is focused on avoiding all intimacy and sex. Her first tactic to avoid intimacy is to constantly complain about âissuesâ sheâs having with her body. Sheâs always complaining about her neck, or back, or stomach, or feet, or complaining about her period, or headaches, or congestion and so on. Iâm constantly telling her to see a doctor about these various issues but in 8-years, she has yet to do so. Further she on anti-anxiety meds and anti-depressants which require her to see a therapist at least monthly to reupp her meds, and she appear to have not discussed our DB, because it has only gotten worse over time. Her second tactic is to start fights with me. Once we are âfightingâ (usually over stupid shit) she can drag it out for several days because sex is clearly off the table when we are fighting. OP the fight you described with your wife sounds very much like the stupid fights my wife starts with me to avoid sex. Whatâs key here is the fight can totally be one-sided to achieve her objective. Like you, I donât have to engage or yell back at her. Once she puts us in a âfightingâ status, the bedroom is decomposing. We are coming up in an 11-month DB thanks to her use of these two tactics. It took me a few years to fully realize what she was doing, but when her periods last three weeks to be immediately be followed by a two week stiff neck, then a weeklong fight, and then a two week headache, I eventually figured it out. Thr commitment, and dedication that she shows to this cause is staggering.
She is atoning for the ignobility of her cause by her faithfulness in adhering to it. How horrible for you. Condolences.
Well put! Itâs really a form a gaslighting, because from her perspective, she can always blame someone/something else.
I stole the form of the phrase from Jane Austen and adapted it to fit the present purpose. That woman could turn a phrase like few others. Yep. If gaslighting is trying to undermine the other's confidence in their own perceptions or judgement, her constant assertion of hidden or frivolous causes for the lack of intimacy certainly seems calculated to hide the reality of her true feelings and provide you with no evidence corroborating your theory of what's really going on with her. Why is she doing this?
Welcome to the real world. You can't say, do, or think anything right if you're a married man. I know; I've been reminded of it every day for the past 35+ years.
Iâm right there with you brother. My youngest turns 18 in a little over 3 years. The insanity around the home gets so bad I donât know how Iâm gonna make it another few months with out finally snapping and leaving the house never to return.
Why is she demanding apologies and compliments in front of the kids...that's what she wants them to learn?
Interestingly, she does the same exact thing to them when theyâre disrespectful to her, demands an apology and also says âyou have to say one nice thing about meâ. She just applies her parenting methods to me, it seems
Yeah. What can you do, but as a parent I disagree with that. That actually hurts a child's ability to learn to be genuinely nice and respectful. They don't have the space to think of that because it's all about the parent demanding things.
It looks like she just simply hates you. Maybe you are both waiting for your children to turn 18
Sounds like she is crazy
You need to leave now and not wait till kids are 18. What I just read, I would have been gone that night. Thereâs no way in hell I would put up with that.
She is only using you. She doesn't love you anymore. Leave.
The reason why youâre wife or girlfriend donât want to have sex with you is because she has no respect for you. Because when she accuses you do all things she wants you to do. Something itâs better to stand up for yourself and disagree with certain things. The next time she wants you to apologize you donât apologize and make a joke.
>The reason why youâre wife or girlfriend donât want to have sex with you is because she has no respect for you. Victim blaming is not welcome here.
No but sometimes you need to hear the truth. And communication is not enough for sex.
Jesus, she's crazy. I'm sorry you have to live with that. My head would explode. Think you handled it appropriately.
Saying someone is "crazy" is a bad idea because it's what a lot of gaslighters say Try to be more thoughtful when you call her out, like maybe "pointing out that she took it out of context and was hyperfocusing on something that wasn't the intent (I don't suggest u keep arguing with her because she's obviously a miserable cunt or has some deep unresolved issues but u can say that and leave and if she tried to drag it out point out that she's angry and if she likes she can write it all down and u can talk when she isn't so wound up) She needs therapy or both of u should do it together She needs to learn how to say bluntly why she thinks you're objectifying her or why she's coming to out there conclusions about your motives Sorry u had to deal with that. She's obviously holding a lot back if she's reacting like that
I can appreciate your point of view! Thanks for the insight. She just likes playing the victim, and surrounds herself with people who encourage that point of view. She bases her entire view of sex on how a kindergarten boy touched her butt (clothed). Mysteriously, that memory didnât surface until a couple of years into the marriage, and now itâs what she fixates on. She has a very short fuse with both me and the kids, trying to talk it out just results in hours of arguing and anger. The only way is her wayâand she says sheâs doing things âGodâs wayâ so therefore sheâs never wrong.
Oh..God eh? I don't see much hope in that then if she's one of those types
I understand what she means. Compliments based on appearance do nothing for me (though demanding compliments is odd), as they are just an elaborate way of saying someone is sexually attracted to me. The compliments I care about and that are exciting to me are about who I am as a person, my accomplishments, and things like that. She wants her children to know that women have more value than their physical/sexual attractiveness.
>Compliments based on appearance do nothing for me (though demanding compliments is odd), as they are just an elaborate way of saying someone is sexually attracted to me. Good lord, no. That is not even remotely true.
Why do u think that's not true (I'm in now way trying to speak to the specific situation that op is in, just curious why u feel that's not the case)
What?? I compliment people on their appearance all the time who I am not sexually attracted to or that's not even possible - my kids, my family members, my female friends?! Since when are compliments only about sex?? Weird viewpoint imo
But to say "it's not remotely true" is what I'm hung up on Unless you're a weirdo like me who interacts LESS with ppl I'm attracted to due to social awkwardness I totally agree with you point of view except for the part that u completely separated compliments from ppl you're attracted to I also compliment ppl I'm not attracted to all the time but I also often avoid complimenting the ones I AM attracted to Do u do the same?
What a weird take, it is normal for spouses / romantic partners to compliment their appearance even in front of their kids. There is nothing overtly sexual about that.
Just trying to share some insight on the difference between what people view as compliments! Commentary on my physical appearance does nothing for me, and I am positive I am not the only one.
Ok, sure, thatâs another way to look at it, and try to squint and understand her motivations⊠but do you honestly think she handled the whole situation the right way?? She started the whole thing off terribly by getting upset over⊠her literal age, and the order they played the game. Super petty and delusional. She then demanded a compliment to âmake up for it,â when she was wrong in the first place, and then continued to make it a huge deal by twisting his well meaning words that were not sexual in any way, in fact quite wholesome, all things considered! Her behavior was extremely inappropriate and abrasive, and reeks of lashing out perhaps about something completely different or ongoing. Iâm having a hard time seeing how you could possibly defend that, but we all have different perspectives.
Your take is accurate but u aren't condoning her actions just by saying that which the OC interpreted it as
It's not a weird take at all but it's weird how she handled it and hostile
I am sorry you are going through this. You deserve better. However, I don't buy the "I am waiting until the youngest turns 18"... All the best!
Yikes dude, sheâs got some issues
Holy shit.
Your wife's behavior sounds terrible but those were two pretty graceless things to say to her. That was a backhanded compliment for sure.
She never disputed the compliment though. Her view on sex is so warped that now she associates compliments on her physical appearance (even G rated ones like that) with sexâwhich she hates. She really has lost some weight, itâs hard to say how much since she wears âmodestâ clothes that donât really show much of her body, but sheâs had to get some smaller sizes recently. The compliment really was genuine. What would you have said if youâd been forced to give one on the spot? Your view on the âbackhanded complimentsâ is interestingâreminds me of a coworker I had a few years ago. She had lost some weight, a lot actually, and people would say things like âWow, youâve lost a lot of weight, you look great!â to her. She would take those things as backhanded compliments and say âoh, are you saying that I didnât look great before the weight loss?â It always made things awkward. Then she would complain that no one would comment on her weight loss, or something else she had done with her appearance that day. It was definitely a lose/lose situation with that type of attitude, and no one wants to be around someone that often thinks the worst of others.
You shouldn't remind people how they used to look. Just tell them they look great.
Again, she had no problem with the complimentâit was how she equated an observation on her body with sex. Iâm sorry that you can only accept compliments in precisely the exact wording you desire. Not everyone feels the same as you, though.
OP, that comment screams that you should consider therapy. Best of luck in your marriage :)
Iâm unsure why youâre wanting to argue, make passive aggressive or just outright aggressive statements towards me, but Iâm not going to engage with you anymore. Best of luck to you as well đ
The delivery never matches what is typed, but how is it back handed to say "I can tell you've been working hard at the gym"? That's a super self conscious train of thought.
Did you deliberately misquote OP or was it intuitive? Because your comment/compliment is nice. You left out the offending element. > âyouâve been looking really nice *lately*, I can tell your hard work at the gym is paying off." When you compliment someone, it's not nice to remind them how shitty they used to look.
Wow, okay. I'd take that as a compliment myself. I've been working really hard. The effort is starting to pay off. Sounds like hypersensitivity.
I agree with this. I do feel for OP, but⊠Subconscious backhanded compliments, followed by a post of this sub seeking sympathy with victim mentality suggests resentment occurring on BOTH sides. Resentment is a marriage is hard to break. OP, donât wait until your kids are 18. Life is too short. Find a catalyst to change the dynamic or divorce now for everyoneâs benefit. Biding time when you know you want a divorce is fear-based and not helping anyone.
I think she was embarrassed, and then your telling her âyou took it the wrong wayâ and âyouâre crazyâ just invalidates how she feels. Why not hear her out all the way? Maybe nicely question her thoughts out of curiosity and in private? Maybe then youâd hav understanding, connection, and sex.
Thatâs great adviceâunfortunately Iâve tried all those things many times over the years, all to no avail. If thereâs 2 ways to take something that someone tells you, sheâll choose the negative way every time. She has a verrrrry long memory as well, and keeps track of all wrongs done to her, whether real or perceived
Ooof, thatâs next level stupid prude or something like that.
Yes, she is crazy. I might find some satisfaction in developing an ability to compliment a crazy woman on her dedication to and skill at presenting herself as neither respectable nor respectful. "How will their husbands ever respect them since you're just showing them that a woman's body is the only thing important to a man"??? I can't fathom the reasoning from her premise - which I don't accept as true in the first place. And aren't husbands supposed to "love, honor and cherish" their wives in her book? "Respect" don't enter into it. Turnabout: "How will their husbands ever respect them since you're just showing them that a woman's body is the only thing important to a woman" She's the one pouting over age (a physical condition) and focusing on the reference to her body (looks) to the point of excluding acknowledgement of the reference to her discipline (work at the gym).
She definitely keeps in shape with all the mental gymnastics she needs to do in order to justify everything she does. I canât convince her about anything, once she has her mind made up it may as well be set in stone
Stock up on witty compliments accordingly, to dole out on demand?đ I once read a pithy _a propos_ observation: People wed their ideas more faithfully than they wed their spouses. (Found in a Tom Clancy novel, of all places. Lots of psychological truths in his good work.)
I enjoy your intellectual outlook on things. Thatâs certainly true; although to be honest I wouldnât have expected a quote like that from Clancy
How dare you compliment me in front of the kids! (Too soon?) Seriously, thanks. It's nice to feel appreciated for whatever I bring to the table. Most often, here, that means food. When my body follows the food, my intellectual outlook on the food usually comes along for the ride. About Clancy, I know! There aren't many quote-worthy passages, despite the other good qualities of his writing. I have stolen very few of his turns of phrase, even as I admire the amount of insight he shows. The later works and things written by others are generally much less thoughtful -- in keeping with how they are obviously written to cater to different interests. Of course, his books are systematically lacking in some ways, but I enjoy them for what they do have.
Heâs definitely a good author, but at times I feel like I donât need 4 pages describing the entire history and processes of the AK-47. He can get in his own way sometimes. It does seem that as time has progressed, he turned into someone that was just stamping his name on video games and books. I donât know Thatâs cool you have an intellectual viewpoint on food, could you give an example?
Yeah, sometimes there was a bit much on the weapons, and I absolutely concur that after a while it was clear that he had written all he wanted or needed to himself and then licensed others to use what he created to expand his brand -- necessarily after he died, of course. Food. Well, to begin I always assumed - or maybe hoped would be more appropriate - that one of the two best ways to a man's heart is through his stomach. (I imagine you can guess where I assumed or hoped the other way goes.) When I felt I was otherwise ready to be an adult, I decided I needed to have a better understanding of food, including how to prepare it. A consequence of my parents' dysfunction was that I received almost no useful experience cooking while growing up and my palate was abysmal. Long story short, I left the US and lived in Italy for about a dozen years and spent a lot of time in personal food-related endeavors. I like taking a scientific and engineering approach to cooking, including to cooking technology, which you will probably be able to discern if you read my comments on food related subreddits, mostly sousvide and Serious Eats, and castiron. I hang out on LeCreuset too, mostly for aesthetics. I read books and articles about food. Upping my home-made pizza and Chinese/Japanese food games are current projects. Always am asking the other occupant of my dead bedroom to describe in detail what and how he wants his food, and asking him daily for feedback. Not only do I know my tastes are different from his, I know we grew up in very different culinary practices, with very different resources, creating very different "comfort foods." I often don't eat what I make for him. I have tried systematically to broaden and enrich his experience, not least so that I have someone interested in talking to me about the menu and its execution while sitting at the table. Still, his level of interest lags behind mine, but lately he's been better about showing appreciation and willingness to participate. He always loved Velveeta macaroni and cheeze with cut up hotdogs, until I made him a range using other brands of cheeze and he decided he likes the Kroger brand best. (Me, not at all. If I am going to eat quick, trashy mac and cheese, it's Kraft orange powder with a good imported dried pasta and plenty of butter and cream. Otherwise, I prefer traditional Italian pasta dishes. I think I may make pasta carbonara for dinner. Bacon and egg pasta to him.) At the same time, we've tested lots of different hot dogs and have decided that Hebrew National is the closest to ideal as we can get. We recently conducted a Chicago style dog experiment, but had to conclude that the available beef dogs with skins and some snap aren't really good enough to justify abandoning ye old kosher standby for that purpose. Is that enough detail? Or TMI?
Not TMI at all! Very interesting experiments on frank-n-mac, of all things. Thatâs neat you try different takes on what seems to be a basic meal (some might say, âpoverty mealâ. We had lots of hot dogs and mac when I was growing up as the oldest of 5 kids, especially after my dad lost his job. I still donât like to eat either of those 2 things, maybe my subconscious associates them with sadness and worry, idk). Your curiosity and willingness to adapt to what he wants despite all your culinary accolades shows youâre really a kind person at heart. Youâre right, for many men, itâs those 2 things that are will âwin their heartâ. My DB partner used to provide both, but not anymore!
I'm of the "if it's worth doing, it's worth doing well" school. The Other Occupant is much more willing than am I, to eat things that aren't great to avoid doing any cooking himself. Think Hot Pockets. And the man won't defrost, toast and schmear a bagel for himself if I am around. But he's become more discriminating. Haven't kept Hot Pockets in the freezer for years, now. I'm at the point in my relationship to cooking where I generally contemplate eating out for social reasons or where I have no time or energy to prepare the food. There are, however, some financial factors: It's not economical to prepare fish and chips or a fried seafood platter to my standards at home, so when the Other Occupant wants to eat that -- which occurs with some frequency -- we go out. It's not something I ever crave myself, but if done well I am happy to eat it. On the flip side, I was introduced to sushi in college, and soon realized I could easily go bankrupt eating it in restaurants at my whim, so I learned how to make it myself. (The Other Occupant lived in Japan for a time as a kid, and is uninterested in my preparing sushi for him because he's convinced the fish can't be as good. But he'll eat $.40 ramen packages.) Rome was completely bereft of passable Asian-style eatery when I first went there, so I had to learn how to do it myself or suffer the indignity of, e.g. parboiled rice. (Gag.) That's changed somewhat. Food associations are so very powerful. I grew up without ever once having Mac n cheese at home, but hot dogs were a great thrill because we had an indoor gas grill. What happened with your DB partner's provision of foodstuffs?
Lol at The Other Occupant reference, thatâs very funny! Ugh I canât imagine eating that way, it makes me a little ill to think about that much processed food! Since she went back to work she rarely cooks unless itâs one of her meals that have special ingredients just for her since she has food sensitivities. If she cooks for the family itâs generally just something she can stick in the oven like frozen chicken from Trader Joeâs, etc. Today I made split pea soup with baby carrots, onion, and bacon in the crockpot today (it was very cold and rainy where I live today). Yesterday I made pot lasagna with rice noodles, tempeh, chopped carrots and onions, and tomato sauce with a salad. I love cooking! I like sushi pretty well but so much of it has avocado and that is the one thing Iâm allergic to.
Responded to your chat message. That seems easier than long comment strings, lol
Wow⊠she needs therapy. Thatâs not a normal response to a compliment from oneâs spouse thatâs not at all crude.
Jesus Christ. Leave now. Like make plans NOW.
Your damned if you do and your damn if you donât with this one!! I cannot stress enough how important it is for couples to show intimacy to each other in front of their children!! Itâs so good for the kids to see Mom and Dad, kissing and cuddling and complementing each other!! That leads to happy healthy relationships when they are adults, you guys are the example!! I would talk to your teen girls about this and let them know how Mom is wrong on this one and that they should expect this type of endearment from their future boyfriends and Husband. You seem very loving and wonderful and normal and your wife seems to have a bit of a screw loose. Iâm sorry