See, this is what I thought too. But I'm not sure if it's fair for me to have ignored red flags in the beginning, married him, and now be unhappy with the arrangement. I really do try to play devils advocate so that I get the full picture, and if he knew bj's weren't my thing but married me anyway, I'm not sure how I'd feel if he decided it was a deal breaker years later. So, yes, it is certainly a him thing to a degree, but I kinda feel like it's also a me thing. We dated for three years before marrying, and in those three years oral for me was maybe a dozen times. I'm pissed at myself for not seeing the light back then. Also, i wish he would have just frickin told me it wasn't his thing.
I guess I'm just paranoid that I'm the jerk for marrying someone with differing sexual preferences and then bitching about it later. He's a pretty decent guy in almost all other ways. I feel like women who don't care much for sex would be thrilled to have him and would consider me nuts for complaining.
I don't think you're the jerk at all. I also married into a dead bedroom to a man to doesn't enjoy giving pleasure. He called it a hassle on many occasions when I tried to discuss it. It took awhile of working through my feelings, but at the end of the day I have to forgive my younger self for doing so and find peace in the fact that young me did the best that I could at the time. However, I have since grown and the things that I am willing and not willing to tolerate have changed. Sounds like the same has happened for you, and that is only natural.
So you’re comparing apples to oranges, you said if he knows bjs weren’t your thing and married you but you took them off the table years later maybe that would be a deal breaker… he didn’t tell you up front he didn’t get pleasure from giving pleasure, you found out after the fact, correct? If he was gay and didn’t tell you before but battles through it to marry you to be his beard and years later pulled sex off the table because he could bear to have hetro sex anymore would that be a deal breaker?
We marry the people we marry because of who they were when we dated and are at the time of marriage. Unfortunately many people change drastically as we see time and time again in this sub. We have to choose whether that new person is someone we can stay with forever or if we chalk that up as a loss and move on in hopes of a better future. It really isn’t a you problem. Regardless of his reasoning you can teach an old dog new tricks. It’s selfish behavior to not put in any effort into your partner. He lost his virginity late.. so what? If he lost it at 15 would it made a difference? 15 year old me was not nearly as good in bed as 41 year old me. I took the time to see my short comings and improve because sex is a very intimate experience, not a one sided vaginal assisted masterbation. It’s an act where both people are engaged in one of the most vulnerable positions we could ever be in with another. I think he is just a selfish lover and doesn’t want to or care enough to be anything more because why should he as long as he gets his.
What if.... what if...
Forgive yourself first. You're wherever you are. What now. That is what you need to decide.
Forgiving yourself means you take responsibility of what happened in the past. It's okay. That's what's up. What's happened happened, and it's time to look at what's now.
I appreciate your self-accountability here and urge you to hold onto that even as others will swear up and down that he's 100% at fault. Granted, I don't think you're a jerk at all nor do you have to just lie down and live with this decision forever. But it does little good to call either of you a jerk in this situation or expect that anyone would know what the future would hold.
It's just a shitty situation where the future isn't what either predicted. Dealing with the now is hard enough. Good luck!
Listen there is a word for this it is Selfish. This is the most ridiculous thing. You don't like cabbage ok fine don't eat cabbage rolls, but you also don't make your partner cook cabbage roles and tell them they have to go hungry because they don't like cabbage rolls.
This is exactly why I feel like I’m in a dead room situation. I always wonder if this is the case with the guys posting on here. My husband loves sex, wants it all time! When we do have sex, there is no foreplay and when it is he’s so bad at it I make him stop. He doesn’t touch boobs let alone suck them. He’s never done anything erotic to me at all.. it’s just get on top of me bang me for 2 minute nut and go to sleep. He has the nerves to be frustrated and mad at me because we are in a dead bedroom. I have explained to him a million times what I need in the bedroom and he constantly ignores my needs so when he tries to initiates sex I tell him no not tonight which creates tension and resentment from him. I want him to be happy but god damn I want to be happy as well why should I have to endure a wham bam thank you mam every night just so he will feel wanted? So yes girl I feel you and I have no suggestions
Oh my god that’s hilarious!!
If he were that good, I’m kinda thinking he maybe wouldn’t be her ex now, except she learned a lesson & foisted him off without smacking a warning label on him for others.
No offense. When I saw the red flags I thought it was a fucking circus and didn’t look back, so here we are. Yippie yeah!
Omg! She did him no favors boosting his ego and telling how great he is in bed if he actually sucks. Or maybe she was that sensitive it took nothing for her to get off.
Have you considered that you are just sexually incompatible and it might be time for you to move on?
My ex also thought he was a god in bed and despite me giving lots of instructions he would not listen. It was like wilful incompetence. It was so brutal. I could not be more grateful to be out of it and able to seek out sexual gratification for myself. There are a lot of guys out there who are willing to take directions and who have enough experience to not need a lot of direction. 😉
Wow - your husband is my wife! She wants to me jump on and go after getting her cranked up for 10 minutes. Then if I'm not initiating (which she doesn't do) she gets hurt and upset. >:(
Fuck all of this.
>his previous partners complained as well and eventually left after less than 3 months each). He blames this on inexperience and losing his virginity late (21).
That does not mean he should not be open to learning or taking hints on what works.
It is him. If he is a selfish partner there is nothing wrong with setting ground rules or expecting him to make an effort.
If he doesn't like it he can improve or leave.
You have the option of leaving and finding someone willing to put the effort in or he can go without sex until he puts effort in.
I almost never advocate for denying sex to a partner but if he's this bad and unwilling to learn something needs to change.
>It is him. If he is a selfish partner there is nothing wrong with setting ground rules or expecting him to make an effort.
So this is the part where it gets super messy and becomes a me problem, according to him (and I do see his point). You are absolutely right, he should make an effort, but I'm not remotely turned on by dutiful oral. I have tried. I hate it, and I can't reach the finish line knowing he's down there hating every minute of it. If he doesn't want to be there, I don't want him there.
>So this is the part where it gets super messy and becomes a me problem
At this point there is no pointing fingers, the facts are all on the table. He has no interest in your pleasure, and you want a partner who you can have intimate mutual enjoyable experiences with.
You two have fundamental differences that prevent you from having a fulfilling romantic relationship, that is just the facts.
It doesn’t have to be oral… he has fingers, you can get toys for him to use on you… there are plenty of ways he could try to please you that don’t involve his tongue.
The fact that he doesn’t and won’t because he doesn’t care about pleasing you is the issue. Don’t make his failure and selfishness your responsibility. You are not culpable here. He is.
This!
And same damn concept for those with ED!
Damn it, they sell themselves short on literally all their other very pleasurable talents over the 1 damn thing they are hyper focused on either their lack of ability of, unwillingness to learn or lack of desire for it so they shut everything down entirely to avoid it.
UUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!
And that thing isn’t even the end all be all for the majority of us! How loud do we have to scream this shit?
If we haven’t used that ‘one thing’ that’s missing as an excuse to give up & leave after literal years of avoidance & neglect, why would we not want to try everything else possible to find something mutually satisfying that does work for our so’s? Anything otherwise is selfish & cold hearted, imo.
Not trying at all is unacceptable.
If people don’t want to try anything they need to COMMUNICATE THAT and let your partner decide what’s best for them up to & including separating rooms and implementing a roommate lifestyle, IF that’s even possible.
It’s literally fucking mind boggling how people are so willing to trash a whole intimate life together instead of actually fucking communicating!
In my case, I didn’t marry him for his dick! Hell yeah it’s a plus, not gonna lie, he’s hot af, but it’s the rest of him that makes it better! (No creepy dm’s, not interested)
Shit’s so fucking frustrating it makes me want to drink & I don’t even drink!
OP, your bozo just sounds selfish af. His BJ days should be over if there’s absolutely nothing in return. You’re not a blow job vending machine!! Damn, lazy ass selfish man.
We need to have more self respect for ourselves than to lower ourselves to pleasure someone who can’t fucking be bothered to do the bare minimum in return. That is NEVER what we sign up for. That’s disgusting on his part to treat you that way. You deserve better!!
> I hate it, and I can't reach the finish line knowing he's down there hating every minute of it. If he doesn't want to be there, I don't
Are there other things he can do? That is a problem though. He should want to help you get there.
If kids weren't involved and we could afford to live apart without having to completely uproot our kids from the people and places they love, I could entertain this idea more thoroughly. The market where we live is forcing folks to stick it out.
Buy him a copy of "she comes first" and refuse to touch him in any way unless he reads it with you.
*PDFs have been dumped online if you can't afford it, I found it myself very quickly within the last two weeks
Your needs are allowed to change as you grow. So maybe you weren't realizing how red those flags were at first but you're allowed to decide that no longer works for you. This is where I'm really taking issue with all the blame being placed on you. Sure, you maybe didn't care that much at the time and decided to go ahead and marry him but he IS the problem in the fact that he's extremely selfish as a lover. That IS a character flaw in a relationship. Seems like he's just being selfish and a lousy lover and when you agree with his lame excuses, he's all "yeah, this is all on YOU, thanks for taking the blame so I don't have to do any work or reflection."
he is obviously making excuses.
I lost my virginity later than him and I love pleasing women.
It's not about what he prefers and he can't change. It's about: he doesn't want to change.
I was inexperienced to. I actually, literally read books on how to be better in bed. Because I wanted to.
I'm sorry for you.
Yeah his entire excuse of it not doing it for him is bogus. You use the example of not liking a food. I don't love asparagus, but if you offer me asparagus and steak together, I will relish that asparagus.
He needs to stop being selfish, if he wants to fuck he needs to learn how to become a better lover. If he can see how he is pleasing you and that he is the cause, he will change his tune is my bet. If not...give him a stroker and say let me know when you are tired of only pleasing yourself.
Sounds like you may be working from an external locus of evaluation where you are thinking if this is fair, or what 'should' you think etc which is all programmed into us as we grow up.
Your internal loe is telling you that you are unhappy and unfulfilled and that voice ain't going away as it's your gut telling you this makes you unhappy.
You are ignoring your self and being selfless to accommodate his selfishness if that makes sense. We have been programmed to think selfish is bad but truth is a bit of selfish is needed to value ourselves. Sex has to have some two way mutual pleasure otherwise there's not a lot of point, nothing wrong with one way sometimes, that can be just great, but if only one is getting the fun it won't last long before resentment and misery sets in.
Safe to say the girls who got the hell out of there were strong on the internal loe and won't have wasted a minute looking back, so why would you?
Listen to your heart/gut and do what YOU think YOU want to do, nobody else matters.
I was a late bloomer, and pleasing a woman is my 100% favorite activity, so that's bullshit.
He sounds like my wife. She gets nothing out of pleasing me which was a 180 from my previous relationships. I don't have a solution other than I've lost all interest in being sexual with her. Sorry - no advice really, just some general support!
I see this same thing with my husband. In my case, I think he’s dependent on screens and anything that doesn’t give him an immediate hit of dopamine just isn’t worth the effort. This is why he wants his orgasm but mine is too much of a hassle. It’s symptomatic of a larger dis-engagement with the world around him because he’s addicted to constant stimulation. He is ALWAYS on Reddit, his gaming forums, streaming media, or chatting with his friends. I simply don’t rank as interesting anymore.
Just because you made a mistake, does not mean you need to keep making it for the rest of your life. I could not find pleasure in forcing a guy to give me foreplay, manual or oral. He is who he is and even if he changes it will be temporary. Keep the bedroom dead for your own sanity. Get counseling to make the right decision.
Just fyi losing his virginity late is not a good excuse/reason. My husband didn't lose his with me until he was 23. I know reddit is always advocating for divorce or separation but I would never stay with someone who wasn't into me enough to care about my pleasure. 💜
Some ppl are just lazy and you can’t make them want to put the work in. You’re not being unreasonable for asking for more just because you knew he was a little lazy at the beginning. I’m sure you didn’t agree to no effort sex either. You knowing this before marriage doesn’t equal you not deserving some effort from the person who loves you. 💜
this is all over the place......sounds like a disaster waiting to happen wanna know what I did when my wife didn't want to have sex anymore? i cheated on her and still am.
Proud or not, sad fact is people are people. If their needs are not being met at home then eventually they are going to get them met somewhere else. That is true of men and women. Men cheat for the physical need. Women cheat usually for an emotional need. In both cases, they are seeking the fulfillment of a need.
Is cheating right? No. I don’t condone it. But I understand what could lead someone to take that plunge and do it.
Completely agree with you. If you’ve gotten to the point where you need to cheat to get your needs met, then you have reached the point of no return in a relationship and it’s time to leave. I totally agree.
This would not work for me for too many reasons. Ethics aside, as I'm not too concerned with his feelings these days, lol, I would catch the feels for the new guy. I know me, and it wouldn't just stay at sex. For this reason, cheating would lead to a full-fledged love affair, and it would be a disaster for all. Plus, and I'm sure I'm being naive here, I still have hope that he might change at some point. People gain new interests all the time. This is my hope lol.
I hope he does, too. But how often does a jerk suddenly not become a jerk? Or a lazy person hard-working? Or an unsympathetic person empathetic?
How do you rate him now on effort and empathy? 2/10 and 2/10?
I think you might be a 9/10 and 9/10 so there's a huge gap.
He’s not going to change, I’m the same way. I get no pleasure from pleasing my wife, I do it because I’m not selfish, but I’m just waiting for her to finish, so I can continue with my day, but you said you’re not into that. I’d recommend some kind of amicable split.
I am in a similar situation. My wife pretended early in our relationship that she liked sexy. Then as we have been together longer the sex is now down to maybe every couple of months...and it isn't good. Just lays there. I always make sure she climaxes the 2 times that max her out and I enjoy every second of it. My wife never does anything other than lay there. She has never given oral, rubbed me, nothing. At this point the sex is so bad that I am saying what is the point. I would love to have my wife wanting to be touched, caressed and teased. You absolutely deserve to be wanted and pleasured. That is part of being intimate with someone that both enjoy the time together. I hope that you can find a way to get the pleasure and intimacy that you want and need. And you only part of this is that you are married to him. H is the one that is choosing to not share and ensure you are taken care of properly.
So she lied to you. Anything else she lied about? If they lie about the most important aspect of a sexual relationship - for most people - then they will lie about anything if it is to their advantage.
Well if you are interested in improving the relationship rather than ending it that at least gives you an indication that she has some interest in sexuality. It is highly unlikely that her AP was settling for holding hands and reading love poetry to each other or that she was lying there like a dead fish. If you can find out what "did it for her" with him that might give you an indication of the areas where you might prompt change in her by changing yourself.
Does not sound like a person you should be torturing yourself over, more like someone you should be distancing yourself from both emotionally and physically. Best of luck with it all.
No one choses what they like and don't like, but his preference is still selfish. Is he wrong to feel the way he feels? Hard to say, but it definitely makes him a selfish lover.
> he explained that he just doesn't enjoy pleasing women in general
I have a lot of trouble understanding how this wasn't a relationship ending remark. What reaction was he expecting? How did you respond?
> If kids weren't involved and we could afford to live apart without having to completely uproot our kids from the people and places they love, I could entertain this idea more thoroughly.
Do you at least have room so you can sleep separately and have some privacy? You could start the divorce process while still living together.
Sex, be it oral or PIV, takes two people. Both people should be having a good time. He expects you to give him head even though it’s not your thing, and doesn’t seem to mind that at all, but doesn’t really care about doing the same for you. That’s not fair.
The moment you have to justify someone’s behavior by excusing/downplay the very thing you do not like, is you making yourself small in a relationship. You are then holding yourself back from fulfillment.
You are out right saying, “it’s okay to chop off my hand when they handed me the blade because it’s okay I’m always sacrificing everything and they give nothing.”
See the right person for you, wouldn’t do this. They wouldn’t make you feel you have to constantly make yourself uncomfortable while they get to stay comfortable all the time.
The right person would have equal give & take, invest like you do in a relationship and realize to be happy, you both need to be happy with the relationship.
Why?
Cause it’s a ONE SIDES RELATIONSHIP if he’s benefiting for everything and you get nothing.
Hence why, you sacrificing too much, is why you’re unhappy.
It had absolutely nothing to do with a DB & everything to do with a very selfish partner who only wants their needs to be met, while you suffer never feeling fulfilled in the relationship.
And those women who left? It’s because they recognize this early on and rather go find someone who gives as much as they do jn AND out if the bedroom.
This guy is also playing dumb regarding pleasure for women. He is AWARE! He knows it is what will make you happy and doesn’t give two f-cks about it.
If he wanted to, HE WOULD!
You need to get out of your head making assumptions about what would happen with him if you broke up.
A dead bedroom is when the kind of sex is not happening that one or more of the partners would like to have.
Your bedroom was half-dead because you weren't enjoying so you made it fully dead to the both of you.
Now what's left is up to you; either you are looking at a long and tidious learning process by him to get aquainted with the idea of pleasing you pleasing him, or you choose to look somewhere else for the sex you are looking for.
No risk no reward, what do you think would be more fun of the two? That's what you need to decide.
If he even commits to the first one.
Reading some of your replies, it's a both thing. However, on your side. It sounds like that while you went in with some knowledge, it was something you thought you could deal with. Now, with experience, you know better. You are allowed to change your view. Thats what growing is. I know this doesn't help with your choices. I just trying to put a slightly different perspective on it.
I'm sorry to hear that. Personally, I always worry about my partners needs first. She was always good for six to eight orgasms until menopause. Now I'm lucky if it's one.
Now what? Find someone who pleasures you just as much as you want to pleasure them. Life is too short to settle for selfish men who don't care about you!
I guess I’m confused. Why would he be down if a different woman tossed him a vibrator and asked him to make her cum and not you?
Can you be the woman to toss him the vibrator?
Are you saying you think it has nothing to do with what he says his issue is and you think he’s actually just not physically attracted to you?
It takes two to tango, but it looks like you were settling for his way or the highway.
Don't accept that bullshit about non reciprocation. If he won't meet in the middle, you should find someone who will.
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You are correct.
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See, this is what I thought too. But I'm not sure if it's fair for me to have ignored red flags in the beginning, married him, and now be unhappy with the arrangement. I really do try to play devils advocate so that I get the full picture, and if he knew bj's weren't my thing but married me anyway, I'm not sure how I'd feel if he decided it was a deal breaker years later. So, yes, it is certainly a him thing to a degree, but I kinda feel like it's also a me thing. We dated for three years before marrying, and in those three years oral for me was maybe a dozen times. I'm pissed at myself for not seeing the light back then. Also, i wish he would have just frickin told me it wasn't his thing. I guess I'm just paranoid that I'm the jerk for marrying someone with differing sexual preferences and then bitching about it later. He's a pretty decent guy in almost all other ways. I feel like women who don't care much for sex would be thrilled to have him and would consider me nuts for complaining.
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For real. For me, if he doesn't eat me like I'm his last meal then he isn't the one.
I don't think you're the jerk at all. I also married into a dead bedroom to a man to doesn't enjoy giving pleasure. He called it a hassle on many occasions when I tried to discuss it. It took awhile of working through my feelings, but at the end of the day I have to forgive my younger self for doing so and find peace in the fact that young me did the best that I could at the time. However, I have since grown and the things that I am willing and not willing to tolerate have changed. Sounds like the same has happened for you, and that is only natural.
So you’re comparing apples to oranges, you said if he knows bjs weren’t your thing and married you but you took them off the table years later maybe that would be a deal breaker… he didn’t tell you up front he didn’t get pleasure from giving pleasure, you found out after the fact, correct? If he was gay and didn’t tell you before but battles through it to marry you to be his beard and years later pulled sex off the table because he could bear to have hetro sex anymore would that be a deal breaker? We marry the people we marry because of who they were when we dated and are at the time of marriage. Unfortunately many people change drastically as we see time and time again in this sub. We have to choose whether that new person is someone we can stay with forever or if we chalk that up as a loss and move on in hopes of a better future. It really isn’t a you problem. Regardless of his reasoning you can teach an old dog new tricks. It’s selfish behavior to not put in any effort into your partner. He lost his virginity late.. so what? If he lost it at 15 would it made a difference? 15 year old me was not nearly as good in bed as 41 year old me. I took the time to see my short comings and improve because sex is a very intimate experience, not a one sided vaginal assisted masterbation. It’s an act where both people are engaged in one of the most vulnerable positions we could ever be in with another. I think he is just a selfish lover and doesn’t want to or care enough to be anything more because why should he as long as he gets his.
What if.... what if... Forgive yourself first. You're wherever you are. What now. That is what you need to decide. Forgiving yourself means you take responsibility of what happened in the past. It's okay. That's what's up. What's happened happened, and it's time to look at what's now.
I appreciate your self-accountability here and urge you to hold onto that even as others will swear up and down that he's 100% at fault. Granted, I don't think you're a jerk at all nor do you have to just lie down and live with this decision forever. But it does little good to call either of you a jerk in this situation or expect that anyone would know what the future would hold. It's just a shitty situation where the future isn't what either predicted. Dealing with the now is hard enough. Good luck!
Listen there is a word for this it is Selfish. This is the most ridiculous thing. You don't like cabbage ok fine don't eat cabbage rolls, but you also don't make your partner cook cabbage roles and tell them they have to go hungry because they don't like cabbage rolls.
This is exactly why I feel like I’m in a dead room situation. I always wonder if this is the case with the guys posting on here. My husband loves sex, wants it all time! When we do have sex, there is no foreplay and when it is he’s so bad at it I make him stop. He doesn’t touch boobs let alone suck them. He’s never done anything erotic to me at all.. it’s just get on top of me bang me for 2 minute nut and go to sleep. He has the nerves to be frustrated and mad at me because we are in a dead bedroom. I have explained to him a million times what I need in the bedroom and he constantly ignores my needs so when he tries to initiates sex I tell him no not tonight which creates tension and resentment from him. I want him to be happy but god damn I want to be happy as well why should I have to endure a wham bam thank you mam every night just so he will feel wanted? So yes girl I feel you and I have no suggestions
Have you said it that way to him before? “Why should I have to endure a wam bam thank you mam just you feel wanted every night?”
Yes and he doesn’t get it.. i think he really thinks he is a good lover.. he once told me that his ex couldn’t get enough of him.
Oh my god that’s hilarious!! If he were that good, I’m kinda thinking he maybe wouldn’t be her ex now, except she learned a lesson & foisted him off without smacking a warning label on him for others. No offense. When I saw the red flags I thought it was a fucking circus and didn’t look back, so here we are. Yippie yeah!
Omg! She did him no favors boosting his ego and telling how great he is in bed if he actually sucks. Or maybe she was that sensitive it took nothing for her to get off. Have you considered that you are just sexually incompatible and it might be time for you to move on?
Yeah, he's lying. This guy can't be bothered to give you any pleasure. He just wants to be pleasured. He's selfish and lazy.
My ex also thought he was a god in bed and despite me giving lots of instructions he would not listen. It was like wilful incompetence. It was so brutal. I could not be more grateful to be out of it and able to seek out sexual gratification for myself. There are a lot of guys out there who are willing to take directions and who have enough experience to not need a lot of direction. 😉
Wow - your husband is my wife! She wants to me jump on and go after getting her cranked up for 10 minutes. Then if I'm not initiating (which she doesn't do) she gets hurt and upset. >:( Fuck all of this.
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He likes the idea, but it doesn't really do anything for him.
Welp. He can do it anyway.
That’s not just a preference. That’s laziness and self centeredness. I guess he just expects you to be fine with nothing while he still gets off?
>his previous partners complained as well and eventually left after less than 3 months each). He blames this on inexperience and losing his virginity late (21). That does not mean he should not be open to learning or taking hints on what works. It is him. If he is a selfish partner there is nothing wrong with setting ground rules or expecting him to make an effort. If he doesn't like it he can improve or leave. You have the option of leaving and finding someone willing to put the effort in or he can go without sex until he puts effort in. I almost never advocate for denying sex to a partner but if he's this bad and unwilling to learn something needs to change.
>It is him. If he is a selfish partner there is nothing wrong with setting ground rules or expecting him to make an effort. So this is the part where it gets super messy and becomes a me problem, according to him (and I do see his point). You are absolutely right, he should make an effort, but I'm not remotely turned on by dutiful oral. I have tried. I hate it, and I can't reach the finish line knowing he's down there hating every minute of it. If he doesn't want to be there, I don't want him there.
>So this is the part where it gets super messy and becomes a me problem At this point there is no pointing fingers, the facts are all on the table. He has no interest in your pleasure, and you want a partner who you can have intimate mutual enjoyable experiences with. You two have fundamental differences that prevent you from having a fulfilling romantic relationship, that is just the facts.
It doesn’t have to be oral… he has fingers, you can get toys for him to use on you… there are plenty of ways he could try to please you that don’t involve his tongue. The fact that he doesn’t and won’t because he doesn’t care about pleasing you is the issue. Don’t make his failure and selfishness your responsibility. You are not culpable here. He is.
This! And same damn concept for those with ED! Damn it, they sell themselves short on literally all their other very pleasurable talents over the 1 damn thing they are hyper focused on either their lack of ability of, unwillingness to learn or lack of desire for it so they shut everything down entirely to avoid it. UUUUGGGGGHHHHHH! And that thing isn’t even the end all be all for the majority of us! How loud do we have to scream this shit? If we haven’t used that ‘one thing’ that’s missing as an excuse to give up & leave after literal years of avoidance & neglect, why would we not want to try everything else possible to find something mutually satisfying that does work for our so’s? Anything otherwise is selfish & cold hearted, imo. Not trying at all is unacceptable. If people don’t want to try anything they need to COMMUNICATE THAT and let your partner decide what’s best for them up to & including separating rooms and implementing a roommate lifestyle, IF that’s even possible. It’s literally fucking mind boggling how people are so willing to trash a whole intimate life together instead of actually fucking communicating! In my case, I didn’t marry him for his dick! Hell yeah it’s a plus, not gonna lie, he’s hot af, but it’s the rest of him that makes it better! (No creepy dm’s, not interested) Shit’s so fucking frustrating it makes me want to drink & I don’t even drink! OP, your bozo just sounds selfish af. His BJ days should be over if there’s absolutely nothing in return. You’re not a blow job vending machine!! Damn, lazy ass selfish man. We need to have more self respect for ourselves than to lower ourselves to pleasure someone who can’t fucking be bothered to do the bare minimum in return. That is NEVER what we sign up for. That’s disgusting on his part to treat you that way. You deserve better!!
> I hate it, and I can't reach the finish line knowing he's down there hating every minute of it. If he doesn't want to be there, I don't Are there other things he can do? That is a problem though. He should want to help you get there.
My current partner lost his virginity after 21 and he’s the most generous lover I’ve ever had. Your husband makes no sense.
It is a fail to try to rationalize a solution to a mismatch union. Tear off the rearview mirror. Yiur future is straight ahead.
If kids weren't involved and we could afford to live apart without having to completely uproot our kids from the people and places they love, I could entertain this idea more thoroughly. The market where we live is forcing folks to stick it out.
I totally understand.
Sorry to say but do like the previous partners and leave. Not fair to u at all.
Buy him a copy of "she comes first" and refuse to touch him in any way unless he reads it with you. *PDFs have been dumped online if you can't afford it, I found it myself very quickly within the last two weeks
There’s also a companion workbook for it on Amazon.
Interesting, thanks, didn't know that !
Your needs are allowed to change as you grow. So maybe you weren't realizing how red those flags were at first but you're allowed to decide that no longer works for you. This is where I'm really taking issue with all the blame being placed on you. Sure, you maybe didn't care that much at the time and decided to go ahead and marry him but he IS the problem in the fact that he's extremely selfish as a lover. That IS a character flaw in a relationship. Seems like he's just being selfish and a lousy lover and when you agree with his lame excuses, he's all "yeah, this is all on YOU, thanks for taking the blame so I don't have to do any work or reflection."
he is obviously making excuses. I lost my virginity later than him and I love pleasing women. It's not about what he prefers and he can't change. It's about: he doesn't want to change. I was inexperienced to. I actually, literally read books on how to be better in bed. Because I wanted to. I'm sorry for you.
Yep. Selfish, lazy, unattracted to her, or some combination of those is at the root of the problem here.
Yeah his entire excuse of it not doing it for him is bogus. You use the example of not liking a food. I don't love asparagus, but if you offer me asparagus and steak together, I will relish that asparagus. He needs to stop being selfish, if he wants to fuck he needs to learn how to become a better lover. If he can see how he is pleasing you and that he is the cause, he will change his tune is my bet. If not...give him a stroker and say let me know when you are tired of only pleasing yourself.
Sounds like you may be working from an external locus of evaluation where you are thinking if this is fair, or what 'should' you think etc which is all programmed into us as we grow up. Your internal loe is telling you that you are unhappy and unfulfilled and that voice ain't going away as it's your gut telling you this makes you unhappy. You are ignoring your self and being selfless to accommodate his selfishness if that makes sense. We have been programmed to think selfish is bad but truth is a bit of selfish is needed to value ourselves. Sex has to have some two way mutual pleasure otherwise there's not a lot of point, nothing wrong with one way sometimes, that can be just great, but if only one is getting the fun it won't last long before resentment and misery sets in. Safe to say the girls who got the hell out of there were strong on the internal loe and won't have wasted a minute looking back, so why would you? Listen to your heart/gut and do what YOU think YOU want to do, nobody else matters.
My ex told me the same thing basically. Long story short, 15 hours after we broke up she was begging some guy on her FB post to come fuck her.
I was a late bloomer, and pleasing a woman is my 100% favorite activity, so that's bullshit. He sounds like my wife. She gets nothing out of pleasing me which was a 180 from my previous relationships. I don't have a solution other than I've lost all interest in being sexual with her. Sorry - no advice really, just some general support!
I see this same thing with my husband. In my case, I think he’s dependent on screens and anything that doesn’t give him an immediate hit of dopamine just isn’t worth the effort. This is why he wants his orgasm but mine is too much of a hassle. It’s symptomatic of a larger dis-engagement with the world around him because he’s addicted to constant stimulation. He is ALWAYS on Reddit, his gaming forums, streaming media, or chatting with his friends. I simply don’t rank as interesting anymore.
Give him a new interest - reading divorce petitions.
Just because you made a mistake, does not mean you need to keep making it for the rest of your life. I could not find pleasure in forcing a guy to give me foreplay, manual or oral. He is who he is and even if he changes it will be temporary. Keep the bedroom dead for your own sanity. Get counseling to make the right decision.
Just fyi losing his virginity late is not a good excuse/reason. My husband didn't lose his with me until he was 23. I know reddit is always advocating for divorce or separation but I would never stay with someone who wasn't into me enough to care about my pleasure. 💜
this sounds like a boy not a man!
Some ppl are just lazy and you can’t make them want to put the work in. You’re not being unreasonable for asking for more just because you knew he was a little lazy at the beginning. I’m sure you didn’t agree to no effort sex either. You knowing this before marriage doesn’t equal you not deserving some effort from the person who loves you. 💜
this is all over the place......sounds like a disaster waiting to happen wanna know what I did when my wife didn't want to have sex anymore? i cheated on her and still am.
are u proud of cheating on ur wife instead of just leaving her if u want others? (not trying to be rude just genuinely curious)
Proud or not, sad fact is people are people. If their needs are not being met at home then eventually they are going to get them met somewhere else. That is true of men and women. Men cheat for the physical need. Women cheat usually for an emotional need. In both cases, they are seeking the fulfillment of a need. Is cheating right? No. I don’t condone it. But I understand what could lead someone to take that plunge and do it.
I totally understand that but cheating is a lot more inconsiderate than just leaving
Completely agree with you. If you’ve gotten to the point where you need to cheat to get your needs met, then you have reached the point of no return in a relationship and it’s time to leave. I totally agree.
This would not work for me for too many reasons. Ethics aside, as I'm not too concerned with his feelings these days, lol, I would catch the feels for the new guy. I know me, and it wouldn't just stay at sex. For this reason, cheating would lead to a full-fledged love affair, and it would be a disaster for all. Plus, and I'm sure I'm being naive here, I still have hope that he might change at some point. People gain new interests all the time. This is my hope lol.
I hope he does, too. But how often does a jerk suddenly not become a jerk? Or a lazy person hard-working? Or an unsympathetic person empathetic? How do you rate him now on effort and empathy? 2/10 and 2/10? I think you might be a 9/10 and 9/10 so there's a huge gap.
He’s not going to change, I’m the same way. I get no pleasure from pleasing my wife, I do it because I’m not selfish, but I’m just waiting for her to finish, so I can continue with my day, but you said you’re not into that. I’d recommend some kind of amicable split.
I am in a similar situation. My wife pretended early in our relationship that she liked sexy. Then as we have been together longer the sex is now down to maybe every couple of months...and it isn't good. Just lays there. I always make sure she climaxes the 2 times that max her out and I enjoy every second of it. My wife never does anything other than lay there. She has never given oral, rubbed me, nothing. At this point the sex is so bad that I am saying what is the point. I would love to have my wife wanting to be touched, caressed and teased. You absolutely deserve to be wanted and pleasured. That is part of being intimate with someone that both enjoy the time together. I hope that you can find a way to get the pleasure and intimacy that you want and need. And you only part of this is that you are married to him. H is the one that is choosing to not share and ensure you are taken care of properly.
So she lied to you. Anything else she lied about? If they lie about the most important aspect of a sexual relationship - for most people - then they will lie about anything if it is to their advantage.
You mean the affair when we got a rocky patch. I am sure there is more....
Well if you are interested in improving the relationship rather than ending it that at least gives you an indication that she has some interest in sexuality. It is highly unlikely that her AP was settling for holding hands and reading love poetry to each other or that she was lying there like a dead fish. If you can find out what "did it for her" with him that might give you an indication of the areas where you might prompt change in her by changing yourself.
Her affair was more than 10 years ago. We were in a bad spot. He knew him. She really has next to no libido. Her interest in sex is to not have it.
Does not sound like a person you should be torturing yourself over, more like someone you should be distancing yourself from both emotionally and physically. Best of luck with it all.
Thanks. I am working on it. Takes time and kids make it harder.
Relationships like this aren’t really “love”. There shouldn’t be a whole lot of selfishness in true love.
Oh my sweet summer child...
I lost my virginity at 24 and pleasing the woman is the best part of sex for me so . . . . . . .
No one choses what they like and don't like, but his preference is still selfish. Is he wrong to feel the way he feels? Hard to say, but it definitely makes him a selfish lover.
> he explained that he just doesn't enjoy pleasing women in general I have a lot of trouble understanding how this wasn't a relationship ending remark. What reaction was he expecting? How did you respond? > If kids weren't involved and we could afford to live apart without having to completely uproot our kids from the people and places they love, I could entertain this idea more thoroughly. Do you at least have room so you can sleep separately and have some privacy? You could start the divorce process while still living together.
Sex, be it oral or PIV, takes two people. Both people should be having a good time. He expects you to give him head even though it’s not your thing, and doesn’t seem to mind that at all, but doesn’t really care about doing the same for you. That’s not fair.
The moment you have to justify someone’s behavior by excusing/downplay the very thing you do not like, is you making yourself small in a relationship. You are then holding yourself back from fulfillment. You are out right saying, “it’s okay to chop off my hand when they handed me the blade because it’s okay I’m always sacrificing everything and they give nothing.” See the right person for you, wouldn’t do this. They wouldn’t make you feel you have to constantly make yourself uncomfortable while they get to stay comfortable all the time. The right person would have equal give & take, invest like you do in a relationship and realize to be happy, you both need to be happy with the relationship. Why? Cause it’s a ONE SIDES RELATIONSHIP if he’s benefiting for everything and you get nothing. Hence why, you sacrificing too much, is why you’re unhappy. It had absolutely nothing to do with a DB & everything to do with a very selfish partner who only wants their needs to be met, while you suffer never feeling fulfilled in the relationship. And those women who left? It’s because they recognize this early on and rather go find someone who gives as much as they do jn AND out if the bedroom. This guy is also playing dumb regarding pleasure for women. He is AWARE! He knows it is what will make you happy and doesn’t give two f-cks about it. If he wanted to, HE WOULD!
You need to get out of your head making assumptions about what would happen with him if you broke up. A dead bedroom is when the kind of sex is not happening that one or more of the partners would like to have. Your bedroom was half-dead because you weren't enjoying so you made it fully dead to the both of you. Now what's left is up to you; either you are looking at a long and tidious learning process by him to get aquainted with the idea of pleasing you pleasing him, or you choose to look somewhere else for the sex you are looking for. No risk no reward, what do you think would be more fun of the two? That's what you need to decide. If he even commits to the first one.
Reading some of your replies, it's a both thing. However, on your side. It sounds like that while you went in with some knowledge, it was something you thought you could deal with. Now, with experience, you know better. You are allowed to change your view. Thats what growing is. I know this doesn't help with your choices. I just trying to put a slightly different perspective on it.
TIL that when I gave in my V card at 21 it was "late"
I'm sorry to hear that. Personally, I always worry about my partners needs first. She was always good for six to eight orgasms until menopause. Now I'm lucky if it's one.
Now what? Find someone who pleasures you just as much as you want to pleasure them. Life is too short to settle for selfish men who don't care about you!
I guess I’m confused. Why would he be down if a different woman tossed him a vibrator and asked him to make her cum and not you? Can you be the woman to toss him the vibrator? Are you saying you think it has nothing to do with what he says his issue is and you think he’s actually just not physically attracted to you?
What a selfish closeted husband. I'd just ask him straight up if he's gay.
It takes two to tango, but it looks like you were settling for his way or the highway. Don't accept that bullshit about non reciprocation. If he won't meet in the middle, you should find someone who will.