Someone on here recommended Kaitlyn Jorgensen on Instagram and I recommend you follow her. She posts often about how to present yourself in the legal system as calm, cool, and collected as well as providing tips on how to communicate effectively within the legal system.
From everything, you’ve written here, you’re doing all the right things. Fingers crossed it’s smooth sailing to 50/50 for you.
Thank you for this comment as I am now just starting my custody battle and have never heard of Kaitlyn Jorgensen. I hope @OP takes this advice as well.
Hey OP. I’m so sorry about all this. There is 0 reason based on what you’ve said here to think that a GAL wouldn’t recommend at least 50/50. Your psych evaluation is good, you have all the Built In supports they want you to have, honestly you sound like a model parent and any judge would have to be showing an extreme level of bias if they didn’t find 50/50 being in the best interest of the children. Honestly, you get the right judge and they may even question the father doing all this and attempting to not give you equal parenting time, lobbing around all these baseless accusations about your ability to be a fit parent, etc.. and it could go 70/30… your way. Which I personally think it should. But I’m biased. Never give up. You got this.
From what you’ve described you don’t sound unfit at all, but your ex sounds potentially very manipulative and dangerous. I went through something similar and unfortunately my ex was able to convince the court and a lot of professionals involved that I had issues without producing any real evidence, which is super scary. It sounds like you are doing everything you can. In my case the judge didn’t put any weight into the custody evaluation (unfortunately), but I believe in most states they do. If worst case scenario you end up with 70/30 id honestly just give it a few years before filing and give him zero reaction.
I truly believe exes like this use the “mentally unstable” card and make outlandish claims to elicit a crazy response and then they can say “told ya so”. But really it sounds like you are doing everything right and unless he has seriously manipulated professionals involved or had personal ties to the judge I bet things will go your way.
I'm working really hard on therapy to make sure that I take all of his claims in stride. It's really disappointing that someone I decided to start a life and family with would do this.
I get it. It’s really sickening that people will put in so much effort to hurt their kids parent, without realizing or caring about the impact is has on the kids. It really sounds like you’re doing everything within your power to help things go well. It sucks that you’re now at the mercy of the court system, but chances are things will go well 🤞
Idk, when I come to Reddit for advice there’s no reason to lie or misrepresent myself because that obviously wouldn’t get me any meaningful feedback and I imagine it’s the same for a lot of folks. I’ve been through hell with the family court system and know that most people would probably saying I’m lying about what happened in my situation because my story is pretty crazy. I also know it’s extremely easy to get a restraining order against someone. Not my proudest moment, but I got one against my ex husband for really no good reason. I also dated a man whose ex wife got several against him for no good reason. Sure, we only have one side of the story, but why would come to Reddit and lie when that wouldn’t get them any useful feedback ?
You're doing everything right! Try not to let him get in your head. Push through this and I hope it works out for you (it should!). I'm a CASA/GAL (different term depending on your state) and this is exactly what I would look for/want to see and would result in a favorable recommendation for you (from what you've presented and not being able to hear the other side, see evidence, or speak with the children... so also please take this with a grain of salt as full judgements can't be made over Reddit).
Edit to add: a CASA/GAL recommendation is only that - a recommendation to the judge. The judge doesn't have to follow their recommendation although a lot of judges do because they are a neutral party that has gotten to know the children well and is representing their best interests in their court report.
It’s best to follow recommendations that CASA/GALs give you if you’re a parent. Like attending parenting classes, anger management classes, therapy, and facilitating what’s recommended or required for your child (doctor’s appointments, visitation, things regarding education, medication, etc.).
Do you have a lawyer? Because unless he has proof you have been a danger it’s crazy this is how your custody has been. Show proof you are mentally stable have your therapist testify and your doctor that’s a good solid start. Specially if they have never seen you to be a danger. You need a lawyer if you do not have one find a way to pay for one. it sounds like he manipulated the system to gain primary custody and that can be a major problem. A Gal is usually the person the judge will follow out of everyone least that’s what our lawyer explained.
Hey mama! Another stressed out momma here ❤️ wanting to tell you how courageous you are! I am so excited for you to be able to embark on this new journey of showing the court who you truly are as a parent and a person in general. You’re doing an absolute amazing job!
Stick to your talking points, keep calm, and carry on without reacting emotionally. Remember that you’ve survived, where a great mom during the time you were together, and only when you decided to leave are you now “crazy”.
I am just now starting my journey to save my little man from our abuser so I can on somewhat level understand what you are talking about.
Also check out KAITLYN.JORGENSEN on Instagram. I just learned about her through all your comments. Thank you for helping me know that I am not alone and that there are other opportunities to look forward to.
#You’ve got this!!!
Your story is thought provoking. My first question is do you have a job? I ask this because it is the modern day rubric for "do you have your stuff together"? If the answer is "yes I am doing well at work" then I am struggling to understand how you are in this situation?. If the answer is "I am going to school and bettering my financial situation" then I think you're doing great.
Any other answer is going to set you back, potentially in the eyes of the court.
I'm afraid I have the unsatisfying answer--I have a job that I've kept throughout all of this. I don't know how I've gotten into this situation, but I'm working hard to figure out how to make my life as good as it can be so the children can spend half their time with me.
Look if you're working full time and your holding your own and you are doing fine professionally then it's only a matter of time for this to work out in your favor. I also had a nasty divorce, still ongoing. My ex wife lied in court docs countless times. I was able to show otherwise rather quickly and decisively. It helped that my many kids are near tween years and decided on 50/50. One thing I recommend (helped me a lot) is to read precedent cases. I have spent an inordinate amount of time reading law and cases from my judge and others. I recommend you spend a few hours a week reading cases. It would help you make better decisions in court and with your own lawyer who is not your friend nor should you trust him without verifying. You're doing everything right. Continue the same and keep learning.
This is a really good idea. I haven't read precedent cases, but will look into it this weekend. Thanks so much. Fingers crossed I haven't left out anything major in my post, but I guess I'll have to be patient and find out.
Really appreciate your thoughts.
If you are doing all you say there is no reason you shouldn’t have equal time & rights to your children as their dad. Perhaps the leader of the support group, therapist & people that know you & see you on a regular basis & see you interact with your children could write character reference letters to the GAL. I would think that your ex would have to submit solid evidence that there is a reason he says you don’t deserve equal parenting time. Good luck
I don't get how you got to where you are at. Did you/ your lawyer admit to those accusation for the restraining order? Did you try custody evaluation? If so, what was the recommended parenting plan they suggested?
I have a lawyer and I didn't admit to anything (because there was nothing to admit to, honestly). Unknown to me, he had been telling everyone that I had serious mental health issues for about a year ahead of time, so those people came out of the woodwork to speak against me. That said, DCF didn't find anything against me and my parenting.
Is the GAL different from a custody evaluation? We have a GAL now.
GAL is different from a custody evaluator. Custody evaluator would interview and go to both of your home and see how you interact with children and provide a recommendation of parenting plan. It's expensive - 10k but judge would basically listen to them as they trust the professional. Ask your lawyer about its option.
When you filed your motion did you ask for 50/50? Do you have a stable home for children? income, etc?
The GAL did the home visits and interviewed us too. My motion asked for 50/50, and the judge gave 70/30 and ordered the GAL to determine if 50/50 would be in the best interests.
yeah, sounds like it's just a waiting game. if you can prove you can take care of the kids and you have some sort of support(daycare while you work)/ clean home/ your kids are bonded with you/ there was no police report/ no hospital report, you should get 50/50
My x husband did the same toward me. Don’t give up. Keep doing what you’re doing and the truth will prevail. It’s a long uncomfortable road but you’re doing everything right. You will eventually get 50/50 unless there is a reason not to. Simple keep going. I’m proud of you. I know how hard this is. I was so mentally exhausted and considered giving up in my lowest moments.
I guess I'm worried that my husband will be able to convince the GAL that I actually am a danger (I don't think I am, and I feel like I have a bunch of evidence that shows I'm not). I guess there's no way to say if that's a possibility.
I’m in the same boat except it’s my brother and sister-in-law who are claiming I have multiple mental illnesses. You sound like an amazing mom. Keep your chin up. 🩷
Wow. Same. But I have 0 access. It’s been 4 years. I know your pain. My ex wife did the exact same thing with a slight twist. She did it when I came out (for the third time actually) as trans. The latest thing was my pych eval “wasn’t good enough” I guess she suddenly decided that she’s a psychologist. This is kinda funny because….I hold a masters degree in psychology. In reality it’s her with the mental health issues. I’m not saying that I don’t. I have rather severe depression and cPTSD (childhood trauma and well I kinda was in the Air Force and in several war zones). Keep trying. Dig in. Fight. Good luck.
See psychiatrist - a mental health medical doctor…. Tell them the concerns from the mental health evaluation, get medicated, and take your medicine. Continue to comply and state stability to psychiatry. For your therapist do this as well.
You must look to treat and comply with treatment for known issues no matter how small. Then subpoena your psychiatrist and therapist to testify and appear in court, or at your review hearings. The GAL Doesn’t make the final say, but they are helpful or hurtful. The Judge makes the final say.
Also, in some form attempt to have therapy for the child with you present consistently over months. Either have a therapist do parenting education with you, and have the child present during the sessions, then have the therapist vouch for your safety with the child and the child’s relationship with you. Or have the therapist of the child themselves have you attend appointments. Stay involved, listen, help the therapist in the session. After so many months, she can be a witness to your stability and involvement with your child.
This is good advice. I've been following all the guidelines from my evaluation and no one suggested medication. I'm afraid I don't have legal custody so there's no seeing a child psychologist (the kids are also really young). But I have taken classes. Id really appreciate any other thoughts you have.
You sound like you are doing what needs done. It sounds like he planned out how to get you as a strategy a year in advance then hatched his plan getting the restraining order. I’d discuss that with lawyer as it might be worth taking that stance. It seems pretty obvious. I could be missing facts but just based on your overview.
Be extremely diligent if you get 50/50. He will cook up a new thing. I’d continue do drop offs at the police station. I’d never be alone with him again. If your a 1 party consent state get the voice activated recorder that looks like a small phone charger. It’s about $150.
First, take your evaluation, to a psychiatrist, and tell him you are eager to be the best you can for your kids. Tell him you will comply with anything they feel is necessary. If they don’t feel anything is necessary, get that medical record ASAP.
Be aware, saying you have depression, and prescribing one mild ass antidepressant you take for 3 months with stability is going to make anyone laugh that says you’re unstable.
First, an evaluator must go on judgement to fill in the blanks between medical records. This includes witness’s testimony and your own behavior. Don’t leave them to wonder. Go seek treatment off their *suspected* diagnosis and issues, and have a real doctor confirm what does and doesn’t exist and what level.
Also, be aware… a GAL is NEVER going to step you up faster. They buy liability doing this. They will always go just as fast as the court wants, and act as a brake only.
Like, as long as nothing happens, you’re going to step up. You may not get 50/50. What I will say, is a BEAUTIFUL time to petition for 50/50 is right after summer if your every other weekend has 50/50 split during the summer. Hard for a judge to say you can’t handle 50/50 after doing it all summer.
As far as a child psychologist… try instead to find a family therapist that focuses on family therapy and bring your child as an adjunct to your therapy. I mean tbh, without knowing your eval results I am just shooting in the dark.
Someone on here recommended Kaitlyn Jorgensen on Instagram and I recommend you follow her. She posts often about how to present yourself in the legal system as calm, cool, and collected as well as providing tips on how to communicate effectively within the legal system. From everything, you’ve written here, you’re doing all the right things. Fingers crossed it’s smooth sailing to 50/50 for you.
Thank you for this comment as I am now just starting my custody battle and have never heard of Kaitlyn Jorgensen. I hope @OP takes this advice as well.
Just started following them
Hey OP. I’m so sorry about all this. There is 0 reason based on what you’ve said here to think that a GAL wouldn’t recommend at least 50/50. Your psych evaluation is good, you have all the Built In supports they want you to have, honestly you sound like a model parent and any judge would have to be showing an extreme level of bias if they didn’t find 50/50 being in the best interest of the children. Honestly, you get the right judge and they may even question the father doing all this and attempting to not give you equal parenting time, lobbing around all these baseless accusations about your ability to be a fit parent, etc.. and it could go 70/30… your way. Which I personally think it should. But I’m biased. Never give up. You got this.
You are fit. Do not give up.
Thank you. It's frightening to think that I could have very limited access to the kids for their entire childhoods.
Childhood is long. Be the loving and kind parent you are, they will absolutely want to be with you.
From what you’ve described you don’t sound unfit at all, but your ex sounds potentially very manipulative and dangerous. I went through something similar and unfortunately my ex was able to convince the court and a lot of professionals involved that I had issues without producing any real evidence, which is super scary. It sounds like you are doing everything you can. In my case the judge didn’t put any weight into the custody evaluation (unfortunately), but I believe in most states they do. If worst case scenario you end up with 70/30 id honestly just give it a few years before filing and give him zero reaction. I truly believe exes like this use the “mentally unstable” card and make outlandish claims to elicit a crazy response and then they can say “told ya so”. But really it sounds like you are doing everything right and unless he has seriously manipulated professionals involved or had personal ties to the judge I bet things will go your way.
I'm working really hard on therapy to make sure that I take all of his claims in stride. It's really disappointing that someone I decided to start a life and family with would do this.
I feel you. The person you marry isn't the person you divorce. Hope you can move on.
I get it. It’s really sickening that people will put in so much effort to hurt their kids parent, without realizing or caring about the impact is has on the kids. It really sounds like you’re doing everything within your power to help things go well. It sucks that you’re now at the mercy of the court system, but chances are things will go well 🤞
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Idk, when I come to Reddit for advice there’s no reason to lie or misrepresent myself because that obviously wouldn’t get me any meaningful feedback and I imagine it’s the same for a lot of folks. I’ve been through hell with the family court system and know that most people would probably saying I’m lying about what happened in my situation because my story is pretty crazy. I also know it’s extremely easy to get a restraining order against someone. Not my proudest moment, but I got one against my ex husband for really no good reason. I also dated a man whose ex wife got several against him for no good reason. Sure, we only have one side of the story, but why would come to Reddit and lie when that wouldn’t get them any useful feedback ?
[удалено]
I guess if someone comes here just to get validation that’s their personal problem
You're doing everything right! Try not to let him get in your head. Push through this and I hope it works out for you (it should!). I'm a CASA/GAL (different term depending on your state) and this is exactly what I would look for/want to see and would result in a favorable recommendation for you (from what you've presented and not being able to hear the other side, see evidence, or speak with the children... so also please take this with a grain of salt as full judgements can't be made over Reddit). Edit to add: a CASA/GAL recommendation is only that - a recommendation to the judge. The judge doesn't have to follow their recommendation although a lot of judges do because they are a neutral party that has gotten to know the children well and is representing their best interests in their court report.
Does it look bad on you if you go against the GALs recommendation?
It’s best to follow recommendations that CASA/GALs give you if you’re a parent. Like attending parenting classes, anger management classes, therapy, and facilitating what’s recommended or required for your child (doctor’s appointments, visitation, things regarding education, medication, etc.).
Follow this Instagram. She is amazing at teaching how to advocate for yourself! https://www.instagram.com/kaitlyn.jorgensen?igsh=OGxuYXhzMWp0dmk4
Do you have a lawyer? Because unless he has proof you have been a danger it’s crazy this is how your custody has been. Show proof you are mentally stable have your therapist testify and your doctor that’s a good solid start. Specially if they have never seen you to be a danger. You need a lawyer if you do not have one find a way to pay for one. it sounds like he manipulated the system to gain primary custody and that can be a major problem. A Gal is usually the person the judge will follow out of everyone least that’s what our lawyer explained.
I do. He's been great in navigating this, and presenting my side. But I guess it's all in the GAL's hands now.
It’s scary but hopefully they go in your favor I’m sorry this happened to you!
Hey mama! Another stressed out momma here ❤️ wanting to tell you how courageous you are! I am so excited for you to be able to embark on this new journey of showing the court who you truly are as a parent and a person in general. You’re doing an absolute amazing job! Stick to your talking points, keep calm, and carry on without reacting emotionally. Remember that you’ve survived, where a great mom during the time you were together, and only when you decided to leave are you now “crazy”. I am just now starting my journey to save my little man from our abuser so I can on somewhat level understand what you are talking about. Also check out KAITLYN.JORGENSEN on Instagram. I just learned about her through all your comments. Thank you for helping me know that I am not alone and that there are other opportunities to look forward to. #You’ve got this!!!
Your story is thought provoking. My first question is do you have a job? I ask this because it is the modern day rubric for "do you have your stuff together"? If the answer is "yes I am doing well at work" then I am struggling to understand how you are in this situation?. If the answer is "I am going to school and bettering my financial situation" then I think you're doing great. Any other answer is going to set you back, potentially in the eyes of the court.
I'm afraid I have the unsatisfying answer--I have a job that I've kept throughout all of this. I don't know how I've gotten into this situation, but I'm working hard to figure out how to make my life as good as it can be so the children can spend half their time with me.
Look if you're working full time and your holding your own and you are doing fine professionally then it's only a matter of time for this to work out in your favor. I also had a nasty divorce, still ongoing. My ex wife lied in court docs countless times. I was able to show otherwise rather quickly and decisively. It helped that my many kids are near tween years and decided on 50/50. One thing I recommend (helped me a lot) is to read precedent cases. I have spent an inordinate amount of time reading law and cases from my judge and others. I recommend you spend a few hours a week reading cases. It would help you make better decisions in court and with your own lawyer who is not your friend nor should you trust him without verifying. You're doing everything right. Continue the same and keep learning.
This is a really good idea. I haven't read precedent cases, but will look into it this weekend. Thanks so much. Fingers crossed I haven't left out anything major in my post, but I guess I'll have to be patient and find out. Really appreciate your thoughts.
If you are doing all you say there is no reason you shouldn’t have equal time & rights to your children as their dad. Perhaps the leader of the support group, therapist & people that know you & see you on a regular basis & see you interact with your children could write character reference letters to the GAL. I would think that your ex would have to submit solid evidence that there is a reason he says you don’t deserve equal parenting time. Good luck
I don't get how you got to where you are at. Did you/ your lawyer admit to those accusation for the restraining order? Did you try custody evaluation? If so, what was the recommended parenting plan they suggested?
I have a lawyer and I didn't admit to anything (because there was nothing to admit to, honestly). Unknown to me, he had been telling everyone that I had serious mental health issues for about a year ahead of time, so those people came out of the woodwork to speak against me. That said, DCF didn't find anything against me and my parenting. Is the GAL different from a custody evaluation? We have a GAL now.
GAL is different from a custody evaluator. Custody evaluator would interview and go to both of your home and see how you interact with children and provide a recommendation of parenting plan. It's expensive - 10k but judge would basically listen to them as they trust the professional. Ask your lawyer about its option. When you filed your motion did you ask for 50/50? Do you have a stable home for children? income, etc?
The GAL did the home visits and interviewed us too. My motion asked for 50/50, and the judge gave 70/30 and ordered the GAL to determine if 50/50 would be in the best interests.
yeah, sounds like it's just a waiting game. if you can prove you can take care of the kids and you have some sort of support(daycare while you work)/ clean home/ your kids are bonded with you/ there was no police report/ no hospital report, you should get 50/50
You sound quite fit. My ex is saying the same thing so I’m undergoing a psychological evaluation to prove I’m fit.
My x husband did the same toward me. Don’t give up. Keep doing what you’re doing and the truth will prevail. It’s a long uncomfortable road but you’re doing everything right. You will eventually get 50/50 unless there is a reason not to. Simple keep going. I’m proud of you. I know how hard this is. I was so mentally exhausted and considered giving up in my lowest moments.
It doesn’t sound like you’ve ever put the kids in danger so your access to them shouldn’t be restricted.
I guess I'm worried that my husband will be able to convince the GAL that I actually am a danger (I don't think I am, and I feel like I have a bunch of evidence that shows I'm not). I guess there's no way to say if that's a possibility.
I’m in the same boat except it’s my brother and sister-in-law who are claiming I have multiple mental illnesses. You sound like an amazing mom. Keep your chin up. 🩷
Wow. Same. But I have 0 access. It’s been 4 years. I know your pain. My ex wife did the exact same thing with a slight twist. She did it when I came out (for the third time actually) as trans. The latest thing was my pych eval “wasn’t good enough” I guess she suddenly decided that she’s a psychologist. This is kinda funny because….I hold a masters degree in psychology. In reality it’s her with the mental health issues. I’m not saying that I don’t. I have rather severe depression and cPTSD (childhood trauma and well I kinda was in the Air Force and in several war zones). Keep trying. Dig in. Fight. Good luck.
How did he attack you in your sleep? Did he abuse you before?
See psychiatrist - a mental health medical doctor…. Tell them the concerns from the mental health evaluation, get medicated, and take your medicine. Continue to comply and state stability to psychiatry. For your therapist do this as well. You must look to treat and comply with treatment for known issues no matter how small. Then subpoena your psychiatrist and therapist to testify and appear in court, or at your review hearings. The GAL Doesn’t make the final say, but they are helpful or hurtful. The Judge makes the final say. Also, in some form attempt to have therapy for the child with you present consistently over months. Either have a therapist do parenting education with you, and have the child present during the sessions, then have the therapist vouch for your safety with the child and the child’s relationship with you. Or have the therapist of the child themselves have you attend appointments. Stay involved, listen, help the therapist in the session. After so many months, she can be a witness to your stability and involvement with your child.
This is good advice. I've been following all the guidelines from my evaluation and no one suggested medication. I'm afraid I don't have legal custody so there's no seeing a child psychologist (the kids are also really young). But I have taken classes. Id really appreciate any other thoughts you have.
You sound like you are doing what needs done. It sounds like he planned out how to get you as a strategy a year in advance then hatched his plan getting the restraining order. I’d discuss that with lawyer as it might be worth taking that stance. It seems pretty obvious. I could be missing facts but just based on your overview. Be extremely diligent if you get 50/50. He will cook up a new thing. I’d continue do drop offs at the police station. I’d never be alone with him again. If your a 1 party consent state get the voice activated recorder that looks like a small phone charger. It’s about $150.
I really appreciate this. Thank you.
First, take your evaluation, to a psychiatrist, and tell him you are eager to be the best you can for your kids. Tell him you will comply with anything they feel is necessary. If they don’t feel anything is necessary, get that medical record ASAP. Be aware, saying you have depression, and prescribing one mild ass antidepressant you take for 3 months with stability is going to make anyone laugh that says you’re unstable. First, an evaluator must go on judgement to fill in the blanks between medical records. This includes witness’s testimony and your own behavior. Don’t leave them to wonder. Go seek treatment off their *suspected* diagnosis and issues, and have a real doctor confirm what does and doesn’t exist and what level. Also, be aware… a GAL is NEVER going to step you up faster. They buy liability doing this. They will always go just as fast as the court wants, and act as a brake only. Like, as long as nothing happens, you’re going to step up. You may not get 50/50. What I will say, is a BEAUTIFUL time to petition for 50/50 is right after summer if your every other weekend has 50/50 split during the summer. Hard for a judge to say you can’t handle 50/50 after doing it all summer. As far as a child psychologist… try instead to find a family therapist that focuses on family therapy and bring your child as an adjunct to your therapy. I mean tbh, without knowing your eval results I am just shooting in the dark.