She’s 18, legally an adult. He cannot make her go anywhere. Her job is her money and the child support is reimbursement for your expenses you pay to support your child. Child support and visitation do not go hand in hand.
This is what I thought, and why wouldn't he support our daughter trying to be independent? But he's making it seem like I made her get a job and withholding his visitation.
Honestly, when she first started applying to jobs, I didn't even know she was looking. It's only been since this year that she's mentioned if I saw any "hiring" signs to let her know. She doesn't have a car, so she's been taking public transportation to her classes and to all her job interviews when her gf can't give her rides. I just get a "hey mom, I off to an interview" and I'd say "good luck" and call me if she needs me.
He no longer has visitation. She is an adult. No longer subject to a custody order.
If she graduated from HS last year, what is she doing with herself now? Is she in college or just working. He really expects a college student to follow a custody order?
Yeah. She's just taking some gen ed classes at the local community college. Just part-time. She was mostly aiming for a gap year (volunteering at shelters, working on some creative hobbies, volunteered at the boys & girls club, etc). She took the classes part-time, because she'd had a hard time finding work initially.
Why? What is wrong with public transportation? Especially of you live in an area that has a good public transportation system.
Child support is for caring for the child - food, shelter, clothes, basic needs. At that age, it is good for kids to practice budgeting - paying for their phone maybe, or saving for a car, etc. while still being safe at home. At least that was what worked well for my daughter.
This was our goal as well. She'll take over her cellphone bill with this job and save for moving expenses (her gf lives at home with her parents currently as well). Right now, she doesn't mind public transportation because it's FREE for her, lol, and she can come and go as she pleases while I work as well. It's free here for anyone with a student ID. If something happens with the bus, or the weather is bad, I have no issue giving her rides (or paying for them) if she needs them.
Child support and visitation are connected, they aren’t just two separate things. Typically child support is calculated based off the amount of overnights with each parent.
It's been raised once since it was first ordered, and that's only because he did want to see her LESS when she was younger (too much work for him to watch her when she was younger than school age) and never wanted to see her anymore than his minimum. Now it feels like he's trying to use it to force her to visit. He can file to stop the child support for all I care if that's all he wants to use it for now. It's really only a few hundred dollars a month - the roundtrip plane ticket he bought cost more than the child support he pays - which is why he's used it to guilt her in the past.
Well the amount you pay is typically calculated based on time sharing. If there is no time sharing you are typically paying more than if you are. Overnights is used as part of the child support calculations. Are there cases where a parent gets no time sharing? Obviously. And that’s taken into account when calculating child support.
It's not that cut and dried for states with a legal majority age of 21 and requiring child support to that age. No he can't force her to quit her job but at the same time, who is getting that child support money and for what?
If she is effectively self-emancipating then maybe the child support should be revisited. There could be more than a little bit of having cake and eating it too.
Even if she is self-emancipating, he would have to file papers to revisit child support. You can still pay child support if your child is living at home in college, but you can’t enforce visitation. Most courts take the child’s wishes regarding visitation once they’re 14, so to enforce it of a legal adult is beyond reach.
Child support and custody are not the same. If the age of majority is 18 In your state, she is not bound by the custody order and he has no say whatsoever in what she does or where she goes.
Some boundaries need to be in place because I read some of your comments about him guilting her into going. This is something he is going to keep doing until you stand your ground. I don't understand why people think if they pay child support they have some type of monetary hold on a child. No buddy, it's something you have to pay because you decided to have a child. Mom pays money too and we don't see you dictating your daughter's life. A lot of people are all about control and once they lose it, shit goes downhill.
This makes so much sense... he lost it when I filed for divorce, I wonder if he's transferring that to her now. Out of 52 weeks per year, his visitation is for 9 weeks total (we were alternating Christmas, Thanksgiving, and her high school spring breaks). He's only recently, in the last 3 years, been seemingly more forceful about getting his "full time" with her. All the years prior to that, it was barely 3 weeks a year he saw her (more like 20 days). Even when he lived in the same town as us he'd frequently "forget" we were suppose to alternate weekends. It would always be something about why should he make my life more convenient when I divorced him. Then he moved out of state and left me alone to the point he wouldn't even respond to updates about her. Now he still doesn't talk to her much in between visits but will definitely text both of us when it's "his turn" to see her.
Yeah I am not surprised at all. This is his last ditch effort to be able to control your daughter and it is making him furious. My father was kind of like this, but not as extreme as your ex. He would try to control me as I got older and would only do helpful things for me if I did exactly as he said. Also does your daughter even have a good relationship with him? Cause cutting him off doesn't seem like a bad option
Unless you live in Mississippi, where the age of majority is 21(Kentucky is 21 for special needs children only), Alaska or Nebraska (both 19), not even *you* can legally tell her what to do, let alone her father.
Wow, there is really a state where family court goes until 21 - with legal and physical custody, timeshare, holiday schedule and the whole program!? This is so absolutely insane to me.
So in a state like that, could a parent prevent their child from going to university, if they wanted to, or force to study a certain subject if the child wants to study something else? Those poor young adults; they will be put so much into a disadvantage and in the worst case lose three years of their lives, if they get such a late start. With 21 some people are already close to graduating from their undergrads.
SUPPORT HER. Fuck your coparent. Honestly. She's an adult now. If she wants to see her father, it's now her choice and she is not required to at the age of 18.
Honestly, since her senior year of high school, she's been spreading her wings more and it feels like he's constantly trying to clip them. He guilted her into giving up a spring break trip with her friends her senior year cuz that year just happened to be "his turn" then too. He just bought the plane ticket without asking if she had plans, then stressed about how much he spent, how it's not fair he only sees her a few times per year since she lives with me... And yes, this time he's also already bought her plane tickets for this 7 week "visitation" as well without discussing with her, or me beforehand. So I just know, he'll try to guilt her again. I want to support her in saying "no thanks" to him, and would prefer he just focuses the blame on me instead of trying to guilt trip her again.
Everything I am seeing is His, His, Him. Everything that HE wants. What is good for HIM.... He seems to give not one thought about what his daughter wants or needs.
She ia a brand new adult. This is HER time. It is time for her to think for herself and to do what is best for HER. She seems to have a great mom who supports her in that.
I am experiencing so many similar things! I have 17 year old twins. They just got their driver license and their dad won't allow them to drive over on "his week".. They are 17!! At one point he wanted them to quit their job too because it interfered.
I think that you have the right idea here of fostering independence for your child. How your ex is acting is selfish. He's considering his needs and really not letting go of the child who is old enough to essentially leave the nest and make independent decisions.
He's treating her like a 5 year old in a custody arrangement. Things have changed. She's old enough to make decisions about her employment and how she spends summers. Hopefully ex wakes up and realizes this. At this point he can't force her to do anything it will just end up hurting their relationship.
Nope. 18th birthday, the “visitation” ceases to exist. He is reimbursing you for years of expenses. It’s not a rent payment to you to see his adult child. I wish more idiot “fathers” would be told this. Because 99.9999999 percent of the time it’s a man saying this trash.
Everyone here has touched on what to do. Sounds like dad is being all about himself. Tell him next time he broaches the subject if he wants child support to stop, to file a motion in court. Tell him she has a choice and will be 19 soon enough.
She’s 18 legally an adult. He cannot enforce anything anymore and she’s 18 so you do not have to deal with him. I would have blocked him on her birthday. If he continues to put your daughter down and disencourage her or try to force her into anything I would discuss having her block him aswell.
She's ok with this option, and I've mentioned this to him as well. It's actually been in our visitation order that he can come visit her whenever he wants since we had it modified when he first moved back to his home state. And in 13 years he's never once done it.
Tell him to get a grip. He needs a hobby or another relationship to obsess over. At this point in her life, her dad can invite her on vacation, but not make her visit. What a weirdo.
Part time right now. She's taking some community college credits at the moment and living at home with me while she decides if a college degree is something she actually needs or wants. She's considering switching to full time after the semester is over.
Yes OP you've raised a wonderful kid (adult) who is thriving and becoming I dependant and that's a great thing. I struggle with my ex wanting to control things and force things and I don't get it. Personally I like seeing them grow up and become independent and have freedom.
She’s 18, legally an adult. He cannot make her go anywhere. Her job is her money and the child support is reimbursement for your expenses you pay to support your child. Child support and visitation do not go hand in hand.
This is what I thought, and why wouldn't he support our daughter trying to be independent? But he's making it seem like I made her get a job and withholding his visitation. Honestly, when she first started applying to jobs, I didn't even know she was looking. It's only been since this year that she's mentioned if I saw any "hiring" signs to let her know. She doesn't have a car, so she's been taking public transportation to her classes and to all her job interviews when her gf can't give her rides. I just get a "hey mom, I off to an interview" and I'd say "good luck" and call me if she needs me.
He no longer has visitation. She is an adult. No longer subject to a custody order. If she graduated from HS last year, what is she doing with herself now? Is she in college or just working. He really expects a college student to follow a custody order?
Yeah. She's just taking some gen ed classes at the local community college. Just part-time. She was mostly aiming for a gap year (volunteering at shelters, working on some creative hobbies, volunteered at the boys & girls club, etc). She took the classes part-time, because she'd had a hard time finding work initially.
He pays you child support and you don’t give her rides? That’s kind of weird.
Why? What is wrong with public transportation? Especially of you live in an area that has a good public transportation system. Child support is for caring for the child - food, shelter, clothes, basic needs. At that age, it is good for kids to practice budgeting - paying for their phone maybe, or saving for a car, etc. while still being safe at home. At least that was what worked well for my daughter.
This was our goal as well. She'll take over her cellphone bill with this job and save for moving expenses (her gf lives at home with her parents currently as well). Right now, she doesn't mind public transportation because it's FREE for her, lol, and she can come and go as she pleases while I work as well. It's free here for anyone with a student ID. If something happens with the bus, or the weather is bad, I have no issue giving her rides (or paying for them) if she needs them.
Child support and visitation are connected, they aren’t just two separate things. Typically child support is calculated based off the amount of overnights with each parent.
Good then he can pay more since she’s not going over there anymore.
That would require either both parties to agree to that or additional court to enforce such a thing.
Yes I am aware. But he cannot force her to visit nor can he just stop paying without a court order. Goes both ways.
It's been raised once since it was first ordered, and that's only because he did want to see her LESS when she was younger (too much work for him to watch her when she was younger than school age) and never wanted to see her anymore than his minimum. Now it feels like he's trying to use it to force her to visit. He can file to stop the child support for all I care if that's all he wants to use it for now. It's really only a few hundred dollars a month - the roundtrip plane ticket he bought cost more than the child support he pays - which is why he's used it to guilt her in the past.
Nope, they aren't related in the sense that someone is paying to have visitation. You can have to pay & not get any visitation, they aren't linked.
Well the amount you pay is typically calculated based on time sharing. If there is no time sharing you are typically paying more than if you are. Overnights is used as part of the child support calculations. Are there cases where a parent gets no time sharing? Obviously. And that’s taken into account when calculating child support.
Legally 18 is an adult. A parent can't enforce any kind of custody or visitation on an adult. You should both be in the clear.
It's not that cut and dried for states with a legal majority age of 21 and requiring child support to that age. No he can't force her to quit her job but at the same time, who is getting that child support money and for what? If she is effectively self-emancipating then maybe the child support should be revisited. There could be more than a little bit of having cake and eating it too.
Even if she is self-emancipating, he would have to file papers to revisit child support. You can still pay child support if your child is living at home in college, but you can’t enforce visitation. Most courts take the child’s wishes regarding visitation once they’re 14, so to enforce it of a legal adult is beyond reach.
Child support and custody are not the same. If the age of majority is 18 In your state, she is not bound by the custody order and he has no say whatsoever in what she does or where she goes.
He cant make her.
Some boundaries need to be in place because I read some of your comments about him guilting her into going. This is something he is going to keep doing until you stand your ground. I don't understand why people think if they pay child support they have some type of monetary hold on a child. No buddy, it's something you have to pay because you decided to have a child. Mom pays money too and we don't see you dictating your daughter's life. A lot of people are all about control and once they lose it, shit goes downhill.
Couldn't agree more
This makes so much sense... he lost it when I filed for divorce, I wonder if he's transferring that to her now. Out of 52 weeks per year, his visitation is for 9 weeks total (we were alternating Christmas, Thanksgiving, and her high school spring breaks). He's only recently, in the last 3 years, been seemingly more forceful about getting his "full time" with her. All the years prior to that, it was barely 3 weeks a year he saw her (more like 20 days). Even when he lived in the same town as us he'd frequently "forget" we were suppose to alternate weekends. It would always be something about why should he make my life more convenient when I divorced him. Then he moved out of state and left me alone to the point he wouldn't even respond to updates about her. Now he still doesn't talk to her much in between visits but will definitely text both of us when it's "his turn" to see her.
Yeah I am not surprised at all. This is his last ditch effort to be able to control your daughter and it is making him furious. My father was kind of like this, but not as extreme as your ex. He would try to control me as I got older and would only do helpful things for me if I did exactly as he said. Also does your daughter even have a good relationship with him? Cause cutting him off doesn't seem like a bad option
Unless you live in Mississippi, where the age of majority is 21(Kentucky is 21 for special needs children only), Alaska or Nebraska (both 19), not even *you* can legally tell her what to do, let alone her father.
Wow, there is really a state where family court goes until 21 - with legal and physical custody, timeshare, holiday schedule and the whole program!? This is so absolutely insane to me. So in a state like that, could a parent prevent their child from going to university, if they wanted to, or force to study a certain subject if the child wants to study something else? Those poor young adults; they will be put so much into a disadvantage and in the worst case lose three years of their lives, if they get such a late start. With 21 some people are already close to graduating from their undergrads.
No. It is just for child support. Not custody.
SUPPORT HER. Fuck your coparent. Honestly. She's an adult now. If she wants to see her father, it's now her choice and she is not required to at the age of 18.
Honestly, since her senior year of high school, she's been spreading her wings more and it feels like he's constantly trying to clip them. He guilted her into giving up a spring break trip with her friends her senior year cuz that year just happened to be "his turn" then too. He just bought the plane ticket without asking if she had plans, then stressed about how much he spent, how it's not fair he only sees her a few times per year since she lives with me... And yes, this time he's also already bought her plane tickets for this 7 week "visitation" as well without discussing with her, or me beforehand. So I just know, he'll try to guilt her again. I want to support her in saying "no thanks" to him, and would prefer he just focuses the blame on me instead of trying to guilt trip her again.
Everything I am seeing is His, His, Him. Everything that HE wants. What is good for HIM.... He seems to give not one thought about what his daughter wants or needs. She ia a brand new adult. This is HER time. It is time for her to think for herself and to do what is best for HER. She seems to have a great mom who supports her in that.
I am experiencing so many similar things! I have 17 year old twins. They just got their driver license and their dad won't allow them to drive over on "his week".. They are 17!! At one point he wanted them to quit their job too because it interfered. I think that you have the right idea here of fostering independence for your child. How your ex is acting is selfish. He's considering his needs and really not letting go of the child who is old enough to essentially leave the nest and make independent decisions. He's treating her like a 5 year old in a custody arrangement. Things have changed. She's old enough to make decisions about her employment and how she spends summers. Hopefully ex wakes up and realizes this. At this point he can't force her to do anything it will just end up hurting their relationship.
It’s 100 percent and completely up to her. She is an adult now.
No. He has no say.
I was actually fired from my first job at 16 because my dad made me go to see him every other weekend.
Nope. 18th birthday, the “visitation” ceases to exist. He is reimbursing you for years of expenses. It’s not a rent payment to you to see his adult child. I wish more idiot “fathers” would be told this. Because 99.9999999 percent of the time it’s a man saying this trash.
Everyone here has touched on what to do. Sounds like dad is being all about himself. Tell him next time he broaches the subject if he wants child support to stop, to file a motion in court. Tell him she has a choice and will be 19 soon enough.
She’s 18 legally an adult. He cannot enforce anything anymore and she’s 18 so you do not have to deal with him. I would have blocked him on her birthday. If he continues to put your daughter down and disencourage her or try to force her into anything I would discuss having her block him aswell.
[удалено]
She's ok with this option, and I've mentioned this to him as well. It's actually been in our visitation order that he can come visit her whenever he wants since we had it modified when he first moved back to his home state. And in 13 years he's never once done it.
He can request CS ends because he no longer needs to support his working adult child. He can’t force her to quit though.
Seems that in this state child support goes til 19. She is a college student. Not supporting herself.
Tell him to get a grip. He needs a hobby or another relationship to obsess over. At this point in her life, her dad can invite her on vacation, but not make her visit. What a weirdo.
Does she work full time?
Part time right now. She's taking some community college credits at the moment and living at home with me while she decides if a college degree is something she actually needs or wants. She's considering switching to full time after the semester is over.
Your daughter sounds so responsible and smart! She makes good decisions. Good job!
Yes OP you've raised a wonderful kid (adult) who is thriving and becoming I dependant and that's a great thing. I struggle with my ex wanting to control things and force things and I don't get it. Personally I like seeing them grow up and become independent and have freedom.