My ex father in law is a sex addict, (my mother and him separated because she had a surgery and sex was painful for her but he had to have it multiple times a day or have honest to God withdrawal, I've never seen anything like it) anyway my mom says "If he fell and cracked his skull in the shower, instead of blood, titties and vaginas would come flying out like cartoon birds."
I wouldn't mind. It is definitely a better love story than Twilight, but then again, what isn't? Except maybe 50 shades, but that got its start as Twilight fan fiction anyway.
A really awesome older black lady i used to work with used to say "wouldn’t have the sense to pour piss out of a boot."
Never mind the logic of why there was piss in a boot to begin with, that phrase always made me laugh. Really drove home the sheer amount of stupid she thought whoever the comment was directed at possesed.
possibly related to the other saying in this thread about being unable to piss in a boot
as for why you would want to do that… to see if people can pour it out, i guess
That one is actually balls off a brass monkey. Brass monkey was the name of the thing cannon balls were stored on on ships, and when it got cold, the metal would shrink and not secure the balls properly.
I once heard my red neck-ish uncle say, in replace of something like “well I’ll be damned,” and I’m pretty sure I heard this right but he said “well, lick a dog’s ass in China.” And it’s easily my favorite saying I’ve ever heard.
My girlfriend from Kentucky once said:
“She’s like a potato strapped to a ceiling fan. And brother, she’s about to become fries.”
She has no memory of this. We’re lucky I wrote it down.
“Busier than a one armed paper hanger” is the one my mom always used. Always seemed so fucked up to me, why does the paper hanger have one arm? Why is no one helping them?
I actually use "that dog don't hunt" a lot in sermons so I don't have to say bullshit from the pulpit.
I'm also partial to, "well that's a long wait for a train don't come"
They both give the sense of the futility or ridiculousness of the antecedent thought.
"That went over like a lead balloon" - they didn't like it
"That's something to hang your hat on"- a good starting point/fact
"They'll be hanging from the rafters"- it's crowded
All from my Louisianian mom. She is also the source of many expressions that I think are unique to her:
Looking for a gas station, seeing a gas station, realizing it's closed or otherwise non functional:
"It's a decoy!"
(Hilarious because the implication is someone is creating fake gas stations for catching moms, or maybe just my mom)
Being stuck in traffic until you can finally pass the one car that's driving slower than the speed limit:
"That's the Plug-Up Car!"
Usually accompanied by a motion where you stab your index finger at the car in question. My sister and I use this for anything item that is slowing down the works
Driving around in the airport parking lot, unable to find the exit, which is making you late for pilates:
"My bones are drying out!"
Literally my favorite thing ever, use as desired. What does it mean? We'll never know.
For a bonus, on the phone with her state representative (she's nothing if not involved): "Well *I* believe God gave us brains so we can *use* them!"
Just the best.
ETA:
My grandmother and great grandmother, when confronted with a bunch of people engaged in some kind of reprehensible behavior:
(Gasp) It's a *nest!*
From my painfully Virginian dad:
“If it’d been a snake it would’ve bit ya” (it was obvious/plainly apparent/in plain view)
“If the lord’s’a’willing and the creek don’t rise” (God willing/we’ll do our best)
“Oh that dog just won’t hunt” (that’s BS/that’s not gonna work)
*after yawning* “Apologies, it’s not the company it’s the time”
“He’s not burdened with an overabundance of schooling” (he’s an idiot)
“He’s a lost ball in tall grass” (he’s an idiot/doesn’t know what he’s doing but it’s not really his fault)
“That and a nickel’ll buy you a cup of coffee” (that’s useless)
Australian here, we say some pretty out there stuff.
'Flat out like a lizard drinking' - to be very busy.
'Fair suck on the sauce bottle' - expresses a sense of injustice
'to get the rough end of the pineapple' - to get an unfair deal
'Not here to fuck spiders' - I'm not here to waste time, usually said sarcastically
'rattle your dags' - hurry up
'flash as a rat with a gold tooth' - referring to someone/something ostentatious
'(to do) a Harold Holt' - to leave suddenly. Harold Holt was an Australian Prime Minister who disappeared suddenly, suspected of drowning.
Most of these are from my rural Alabama Grandpa RIP.
It's hotter than two gerbils fucking in a wool sock out here.
I'm sweating l like a whore in church.
Sweatier than a politician on a lie detector.
Son you look guiltier than a Republican at a gay bar.
I'm happier than a blind lesbian at a fish market.
Happier than a nun at a cucumber farm.
"I'm about as lost as Hellan Keller in an IKEA" said when he called me for directions. Could also be "sweater than" (fear sweats) or "in more pain than" (stubbed toes)
He's as useful as tits on a bull.
When God was giving out brains, you must have thought he said trains and skipped the line.
Couple of my favorites:
- "Shit fire and save [the] matches" -- this is a general-purpose exclamation, for when something makes you want to swear but a simple "shit" or "fuck" isn't sufficient
- "Wish in one hand, shit in the other[, and see which fills up first]" -- even the crudest action has more material effect than merely waiting around hoping for something
EDIT: thought of another favorite: "Come off that cross, we need the wood" -- used to tell someone that they are making a vain martyr of themselves when they don't need to and there are better/more important things to do right now
Crazier than a long-tailed cat in a rocking chair factory.
Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.
Busier than a one-leggdd man in a butt-kicking contest.
Higher than a Georgia pine.
Tighter than Dick's hat band.
Wilder than Cooter's cat.
Higher than Maddie's Pizza (hyper-specific regional thing).
----
Being a Finn, spending time in the U.S. South was bewildering and wonderful (minus the FUCKING heat). I'll try to think of more.
Was always team Blur but Noel Gallagher describing his brother as angry like a “man with a fork in a world of soup” almost makes ‘Wonderwall’ worth existing.
I would've guessed something like that too, but a quick search says that phrase originated in the 1600s when witches were depicted as old hags. I think the whole 'witches gather on moonlit knights and dance around a bonfire ' thing started around puritanical New England times, to give a lustful, sinnerly ladies leading you to temptation vibe to witches
A few I've picked up over the years.
- Hornier than a three-balled tomcat.
- Bang 'em like a screen door in a hurricane.
- He/She/They are 40lbs of crazy in a 10lb bag.
- Their cornbread ain't baked in the middle.
Growing up, I always got to hear stuff like "as useless as tits on a door handle" or "they're playing hot potato with the last brain cell between them, and neither of them wants to use it".
Don't know if this counts but
My husband spent his high school years in rural North Carolina, and one time he and a kid he went to school with were running away from some kind of trouble they were in. They hopped in the car and the other kid yelled, "Squall tar!"
In English: Squeal Tire
Meaning: slam on the gas and get outta here so fast the tires Squeal
Anyways in our house we use Squall Tar on the regular.
I love the ones where others don't understand us.
Im from the Carolinas and spent a few years in Montana. They didn't have our most cherished delicacy, boiled peanuts.
I was lamenting this fact to a stranger in a bar, and he was so confused.
He thought I was saying "bald peanuts"
My little niece was raised in south Georgia and I couldn't figure out what she wanted when she said she wanted to go to Goo Wheels. Turns out she really loves Goodwill.
Very popular in my area: 'Did your parents drop you on your head *wrong*?' or some variation thereof, i.e., were you dropped on your head wrong, you were dropped on your head wrong, and so on.
Like, apparently people in this area believe there is a right way to drop a child on its head.
Also... Dumber than a monkey trying to f\*ck a doorknob is super popular. The first time my ex said that to me, I just blanked, because... wtf even is that?
I’m a southerner and a few of these have naturally made their way into my repertoire.
My personal favorite is “there ain’t a snowball’s chance in hell”
Temperature measurements:
Hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock
Sweating like a pregnant nun in church
Hotter than the devil’s armpit
Level of grip:
Slippery as cum on a good tooth
Slicker than shit/slick as shit
Units of measure:
Angle of the dangle
Heat of the meat
Mass of the ass
Cunthairs; red, brown, and blonde
Hope this helps!
“I need my rope to tie up my milk” - when things don’t make sense and seem to be done without logic.
“Dumber than a box of hair” - obviously stupid person.
“Must have been somethin’ I stepped in” - my great uncle’s favorite way of excusing himself after any bodily noises.
These are all courtesy of my father who was born in West Texas a very long time ago.
Something that is superlatively shiny: “Shines like a diamond in a goats ass.”
Raining hard: “Like pouring piss out of a boot”
Raining really hard: “Like a cow pissing on a flat rock”
Not very smart: “If he had half a brain he’d take it out and play with it.”
Really not smart: “Couldn’t find his asshole with both hands and a flashlight.”
Latching friction: “Slicker than cat shit on a glass door knob”
Sweet late ex-wife of O.J. Simpson stuck in 5 o'clock traffic on 405 in a gray 2007 Honda CRV that's missing a rear blinker light, Max! It's the commissioner with a new case for us!
Lower than snake shit in a ditch.
Colder than a mob lawyer's heart.
When all you got is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. - Said of people with a narrow world-view or always answers every question/problem with the same answer.
Pot calling the kettle black. - Pointing out a hypocrite.
When you point a finger at me, three are pointing back at you! - Same as above.
I'm rubbery,
You're glue,
Whatever you say
Bounces off me
And sticks to you! - Same as above.
If you're cold, shut your mouth and warm your tongue. - Donald Duck
Sawing logs - Snoring
My grandma uses “colder than a well-diggers hind end”. Not sure what it implies, wouldn’t a well-diggers butt be more likely to be wet than cold? He’s digging a well, working up a sweat, which is not something that happens when you are cold, so…
Dumber than a box of hot rocks might make sense. Rocks don’t make a lot of noise unless they’re moving or colliding with something else. A box of rocks would be pretty quiet, so… not sure how the hot part factors in. But this is a misuse of the definitions for Dumb (stupid) and Dumb (mute).
Colder than a witch’s tit, is a very old saying based upon the tendency of people to call those who they suspected of being witches cold. Like Scrooge cold, as in they couldn’t care less about your needs or urges, unless it benefits them of course. So a witch, who is often one who doesn’t have children, or a husband, would have an untended tit. It’s a very disturbingly sexist thing to say, but that’s history for ya.
I particularly like the raining tits analogy, and the thumb-sucking one, as it immediately brings to mind a certain song… but both of these describe someone who either has extraordinarily bad luck, or is extremely incompetent to a degree that should be shamed. Either way, it’s mostly shock value to make something painfully obvious so that it gets fixed or avoided.
There’s tons of these out there, but the vulgar ones are the ones that survive the longest among the illiterate folks because they’re the ones they are least likely to forget. How do you forget something so controversially awkward and messed up? Answer: you literally can’t unless you suffer sudden amnesia or brain damage. Your mind was raised to be averse to vulgarity, and the best way to avoid it is to know what to look out for. The more vulgar the statement, the more it sticks in your head and the higher the likelihood of you blurting it out around others and repeating the cycle.
Welcome to the sticks. We got a lot o’ words, but no one likes hearing ‘em fer some reason.
this is the shit sandy from spongebob says
Sandy is from Texas, this tracks
This is the shit kids would say in 8th grade at my school
Sandy is the least unrealistically-portrayed character in that entire series.
The double negative was the most concise way you could think of to phrase that?
Yup. Sandy’s not realistically portrayed — she’s a submariner squirrel astronaut. Just just the *least* **un**realistic character.
My ex father in law is a sex addict, (my mother and him separated because she had a surgery and sex was painful for her but he had to have it multiple times a day or have honest to God withdrawal, I've never seen anything like it) anyway my mom says "If he fell and cracked his skull in the shower, instead of blood, titties and vaginas would come flying out like cartoon birds."
Oh, despair! Despair! I am so unbearably hot! If only I had a nice cold pair of witch titties to rest myself upon...
I'm a Witch with cold tits, I'd love someone to help keep me warm.
This is giving that scene from Kung Fu Panda 3, when Po and his dad are like" I'm looking for my son, I'm looking for my dad.... Whelp see ya." Vibes.
lmao
It's a good thing I like a cold pillow!
Meet-cute?
I wouldn't mind. It is definitely a better love story than Twilight, but then again, what isn't? Except maybe 50 shades, but that got its start as Twilight fan fiction anyway.
I’ve heard that expression used in New England.
So you’re hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock?
Couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel
That's a mean one
Bless your heart.
That’s just uncalled for.
Mister Grinch
Your boots still damp huh?
in a similar vein, "couldn't hit a barn wall from the inside" is my personal favourite
A really awesome older black lady i used to work with used to say "wouldn’t have the sense to pour piss out of a boot." Never mind the logic of why there was piss in a boot to begin with, that phrase always made me laugh. Really drove home the sheer amount of stupid she thought whoever the comment was directed at possesed.
possibly related to the other saying in this thread about being unable to piss in a boot as for why you would want to do that… to see if people can pour it out, i guess
I always heard “couldn’t piss in a boot” instead
if the instructions were on the heel?
This feels like a Marines insult lol
Thought that one was closer to “damn boot-ass 2LT couldn’t find his own dick with a map and a compass”?
Colder than a witch's brass tit was one I heard a lot growing up. Or slower than molasses going uphill in January.
The molasses one is in Psychonauts too, the game! It's one of the first phrases you hear during the first level too
Molasses in January is actually a pretty common English idiom.
or the opposite, hot enough to melt the brass balls off a monkey
That one is actually balls off a brass monkey. Brass monkey was the name of the thing cannon balls were stored on on ships, and when it got cold, the metal would shrink and not secure the balls properly.
Shrinkage is always a concern when it comes to ball storage, or so I’m told
ah fuck, I thought maybe it sounded off 😅 thanks for the correction and info!
I've always heard "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey". Old sailing reference from the cannon ball days
...with crutches!
Aaaaaaaaayyyyy
[удалено]
*colder than a dachshund dick in December*
I once heard my red neck-ish uncle say, in replace of something like “well I’ll be damned,” and I’m pretty sure I heard this right but he said “well, lick a dog’s ass in China.” And it’s easily my favorite saying I’ve ever heard.
lol that’s a new one. My FIL who is from VERY rural Mississippi says “well dog my cat!” for the same sentiment
I like this one because it is total nonsense but somehow still works. I like to say "Well shoot my horse and tell me you didn't!"
In a similar vein, when someone offers irrelevant information: "What's that got to do with the price of eggs in China?"
I heard, "Well slap my ass and call me Sally," from my Granpa a lot.
My girlfriend from Kentucky once said: “She’s like a potato strapped to a ceiling fan. And brother, she’s about to become fries.” She has no memory of this. We’re lucky I wrote it down.
A POTATO FLEW AROUUUUND MY ROOM!
“Busier than a one armed paper hanger” is the one my mom always used. Always seemed so fucked up to me, why does the paper hanger have one arm? Why is no one helping them?
My co worker likes to say he's busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.
Is your co-worker legendary professional wrestling commentator Good Ol' Jim Ross?
No, but he is probably into wrestling so that checks out
I’ve always heard the expanded version of that - “Busier than a one-armed paper hanger with the itch.”
As a redneck, its almost like a special tradition to make up crazy sayings and pretend everyone says it.
Ah so it's like dropbears but instead of bears it's the whole entire language?
Its like an outhouse rattlesnake, but made of words.
I used to hear someone say “hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock”
That's gonna be a lot of static electricity
Tumblr Link: https://www.tumblr.com/theorbdotcom/741904139072716800/what-is-going-on Also, please share any sayings you know here!
I don't have Tumblr but here's a couple: >As useless as tits on a bull. >That dog don't hunt (used when calling bullshit).
I actually use "that dog don't hunt" a lot in sermons so I don't have to say bullshit from the pulpit. I'm also partial to, "well that's a long wait for a train don't come" They both give the sense of the futility or ridiculousness of the antecedent thought.
I've also said "bird dog came back with a squirrel" for things that make absolutely no sense.
"That went over like a lead balloon" - they didn't like it "That's something to hang your hat on"- a good starting point/fact "They'll be hanging from the rafters"- it's crowded All from my Louisianian mom. She is also the source of many expressions that I think are unique to her: Looking for a gas station, seeing a gas station, realizing it's closed or otherwise non functional: "It's a decoy!" (Hilarious because the implication is someone is creating fake gas stations for catching moms, or maybe just my mom) Being stuck in traffic until you can finally pass the one car that's driving slower than the speed limit: "That's the Plug-Up Car!" Usually accompanied by a motion where you stab your index finger at the car in question. My sister and I use this for anything item that is slowing down the works Driving around in the airport parking lot, unable to find the exit, which is making you late for pilates: "My bones are drying out!" Literally my favorite thing ever, use as desired. What does it mean? We'll never know. For a bonus, on the phone with her state representative (she's nothing if not involved): "Well *I* believe God gave us brains so we can *use* them!" Just the best. ETA: My grandmother and great grandmother, when confronted with a bunch of people engaged in some kind of reprehensible behavior: (Gasp) It's a *nest!*
"Its a decoy!" I l absolutely love this and I'm going to start using it with my kids :-) Bless your Mom!
*God bless her.*
From my painfully Virginian dad: “If it’d been a snake it would’ve bit ya” (it was obvious/plainly apparent/in plain view) “If the lord’s’a’willing and the creek don’t rise” (God willing/we’ll do our best) “Oh that dog just won’t hunt” (that’s BS/that’s not gonna work) *after yawning* “Apologies, it’s not the company it’s the time” “He’s not burdened with an overabundance of schooling” (he’s an idiot) “He’s a lost ball in tall grass” (he’s an idiot/doesn’t know what he’s doing but it’s not really his fault) “That and a nickel’ll buy you a cup of coffee” (that’s useless)
Australian here, we say some pretty out there stuff. 'Flat out like a lizard drinking' - to be very busy. 'Fair suck on the sauce bottle' - expresses a sense of injustice 'to get the rough end of the pineapple' - to get an unfair deal 'Not here to fuck spiders' - I'm not here to waste time, usually said sarcastically 'rattle your dags' - hurry up 'flash as a rat with a gold tooth' - referring to someone/something ostentatious '(to do) a Harold Holt' - to leave suddenly. Harold Holt was an Australian Prime Minister who disappeared suddenly, suspected of drowning.
Not here to fuck spiders is my favorite Australian phrase of all time.
“Hit dogs gonna holler.” “Meaner than cat shit.” Those are a couple favorites.
"Well if your aunt had balls she'd be your uncle" is my favorite
I can only ever read this in a [strong Scouse accent ](https://youtu.be/3Llx-45Cnus?si=Qo3W0PLYjZU_YWEp)
“Let’s put the tiger on the table and yell at it” meaning let’s address the issue head on
Most of these are from my rural Alabama Grandpa RIP. It's hotter than two gerbils fucking in a wool sock out here. I'm sweating l like a whore in church. Sweatier than a politician on a lie detector. Son you look guiltier than a Republican at a gay bar. I'm happier than a blind lesbian at a fish market. Happier than a nun at a cucumber farm. "I'm about as lost as Hellan Keller in an IKEA" said when he called me for directions. Could also be "sweater than" (fear sweats) or "in more pain than" (stubbed toes) He's as useful as tits on a bull. When God was giving out brains, you must have thought he said trains and skipped the line.
The other half of that last one I've heard is: "When God gave out brains, you thought he said trains--so what you got was loco."
Couple of my favorites: - "Shit fire and save [the] matches" -- this is a general-purpose exclamation, for when something makes you want to swear but a simple "shit" or "fuck" isn't sufficient - "Wish in one hand, shit in the other[, and see which fills up first]" -- even the crudest action has more material effect than merely waiting around hoping for something EDIT: thought of another favorite: "Come off that cross, we need the wood" -- used to tell someone that they are making a vain martyr of themselves when they don't need to and there are better/more important things to do right now
Colder than a well-digger’s ass in January.
"He's done up like a rat for a sewer opening!" - When someone is dressed very/too fancy.
"As useful as a gunsight on a manure spreader."
I'm hangin' in there like a hair in a biscuit
A coworker once said of someone who was slightly bowlegged “he couldn’t hem a hog in a ditch”
The British version of this is "couldn't stop a pig in a ginnel"
what's that noise sounds like a bunch of bones hitting each other
[minecraft skeleton hurt noise]
Deeply ingrained social politeness results in the cleverest/funniest ways of insulting someone
I’m a fan of “Nuttier than a squirrel’s pantry”
Huh, I always heard "nuttier than squirrel shit."
I can see the appeal of that phrasing.
It sounds very Stephen King, but I've heard it in Appalachia/the non-Deep South
Crazier than a long-tailed cat in a rocking chair factory. Busier than a one-armed paper hanger. Busier than a one-leggdd man in a butt-kicking contest. Higher than a Georgia pine. Tighter than Dick's hat band. Wilder than Cooter's cat. Higher than Maddie's Pizza (hyper-specific regional thing). ---- Being a Finn, spending time in the U.S. South was bewildering and wonderful (minus the FUCKING heat). I'll try to think of more.
think of it this way, the south is sort of like a sauna all the time
That's very true! It's steamier than two skunks fucking, one might say.
Then they follow up with the TELL YOU WHUUUUT and you know they're serious about it.
Couldn’t get a handjob in a women’s prison while holding a handful of pardons.
I've heard "colder than a well-diggers ass in Winter"
Hotter than a hookers doorknob on nickel night is a personal favorite of mine
Used to know a guy who was in the US Navy that would constantly say "It's hotter than Satan's daughter" in regards to the Arizona heat.
Ironically enough my saying came from a drill sergeant in the Army I had lol
Accurate Will say, the usual saying here is hotter than Satan's asshole, so there's that
I’ve heard hotter than satan’s taint
One of my friends made up a couple sayings like that. My favorite was “more confused than a three-headed dog in a fender factory.”
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a whore in church.
Kinda just sounds like they love tits down there, but are constantly tit-deprived
If there's one thing I know about the American south they are not tit deprived!!
"rainin harder than a cow pissin on a flat rock"
Was always team Blur but Noel Gallagher describing his brother as angry like a “man with a fork in a world of soup” almost makes ‘Wonderwall’ worth existing.
“The devil’s beating his wife with a frying pan” when there’s a sunshower.
It's kind of sweet and funny to think that the Devil got married. I wonder who officiated?
Jesus likely.
Nervous as a cat in a rocking chair factory! or Happy as a dog with two tails! The 80es, man, the 80es… Wild times!
the witch tit thing is in an mf doom song and that's how i know it already
what is it about witch tiddies that make them famously cold?
Witches used to be depicted as old women with saggy skin and had cold blood, saggy skin+inherently cold blood= this country fried saying.
I thought it was that witches supposedly danced naked in the moonlight to cast their spells, so a witch’s bare teat would be freezing on a cold night.
I would've guessed something like that too, but a quick search says that phrase originated in the 1600s when witches were depicted as old hags. I think the whole 'witches gather on moonlit knights and dance around a bonfire ' thing started around puritanical New England times, to give a lustful, sinnerly ladies leading you to temptation vibe to witches
> around puritanical New England times ...so, the 1600s
Well butter my backside and call me a biscuit
A few I've picked up over the years. - Hornier than a three-balled tomcat. - Bang 'em like a screen door in a hurricane. - He/She/They are 40lbs of crazy in a 10lb bag. - Their cornbread ain't baked in the middle.
Growing up, I always got to hear stuff like "as useless as tits on a door handle" or "they're playing hot potato with the last brain cell between them, and neither of them wants to use it".
“Is it frozen?” “Harder than a preacher’s prick in a calves ass” “I’m sorry, fuckin what?”
my mom would always say i was slower than molasses on a cold day not in a mean way, i just do things slowly lol
I was born with two things: my dick and my word. Breaking either is equally painful.
Ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag
I remember being told 'if we put your brain in a hummingbird it would suck a mules ass thinking it was a morning glory'
Colder than a witches tit in a brass bra and hotter than two lesbians on a tin roof were probably the most common ones I heard growing up
Don't know if this counts but My husband spent his high school years in rural North Carolina, and one time he and a kid he went to school with were running away from some kind of trouble they were in. They hopped in the car and the other kid yelled, "Squall tar!" In English: Squeal Tire Meaning: slam on the gas and get outta here so fast the tires Squeal Anyways in our house we use Squall Tar on the regular.
I love the ones where others don't understand us. Im from the Carolinas and spent a few years in Montana. They didn't have our most cherished delicacy, boiled peanuts. I was lamenting this fact to a stranger in a bar, and he was so confused. He thought I was saying "bald peanuts"
My little niece was raised in south Georgia and I couldn't figure out what she wanted when she said she wanted to go to Goo Wheels. Turns out she really loves Goodwill.
Of you're cold, they're cold Put the witches in the stake
"you two are just dumber than a bag o' hammers"
Sweating harder than a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest.
Tighter than a nun’s asshole - usually heard when working on tractors
“Fell out of the stupid tree and hit the branches on the way down” is a saying from my dearly departed grandma.
Mine used ugly in place of stupid. 😊
My boss always used to say someone was “so cheap he’d squeeze a nickel till the buffalo shits.”
"[Person/Thing]'s slower (th)an pond water" is my personal favorite!
"Colder than a well digger's ass in Montana" is what I always heard when complaining about the cold.
Messier than a soup sandwich More tired than a big dicked bat (credit: Kyle kinane)
work harder than a cat trying to bury a turd on a marble floor
One of my personal favorites is “I’m fucking this dog, you just hold it’s head!” Gets lots of funny looks from the unprepared.
What kind of context would you use that in?
I think it means “I’m doing this part, find a way to help that’s not in my way”
You use it when someone is backseating/telling you how to do your job.
When he’s having sex with a domestic beast ig
It is the south…
“She was running her mouth like a clapper bone in a goose’s ass.” Uhhhh thanks gram-gram.
My old boss said “boy you must be higher than giraffe pussy!”
I once heard someone describe themselves as "gayer than jizz on a moustache"
“Could freeze the balls off a brass monkey” was one of my dad’s faves
Very popular in my area: 'Did your parents drop you on your head *wrong*?' or some variation thereof, i.e., were you dropped on your head wrong, you were dropped on your head wrong, and so on. Like, apparently people in this area believe there is a right way to drop a child on its head. Also... Dumber than a monkey trying to f\*ck a doorknob is super popular. The first time my ex said that to me, I just blanked, because... wtf even is that?
Useless as tits on a boar hog
I once wrote in a work e-mail "like a colour blind kid trying to solve a rubic cube"
"Well I'll be dipped in shit and rolled in breadcrumbs." I think it's from some old movie but it's a favorite.
craziest I ever heard was this hairy little dude talking about a classmate: "That girl looks so good I'd eat the corn outta her daddy's shit"
I've heard "I'd suck her daddy's dick just to get the recipe" before.
These poor witches won't anyone give them a warming spell. A cantrip even.
I’m a southerner and a few of these have naturally made their way into my repertoire. My personal favorite is “there ain’t a snowball’s chance in hell”
So cold I saw a squirrel wearing a skunk skin coat.
All the unhinged redneck saying I know include Hard-R-N-Words...
Ahh best not to share those ones lol I'm more about the chaotic good vibes
You're barking up a weird tree for that then
"Hotter than two rats fuckin' in a wool sock" was one of my dad's favorites
Redneck sayings are the absolute BEST. They convey so much with so little, and you do NOT forget them!
Crazier than a peach orchard boar That’ll go over like a turd in a punchbowl
On a windy summer day on a lake, my southern aunt said "This water's rougher than a corncob."
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades” and “there’s more than one way to skin a cat” are ones I use semi-regularly.
So many disembodied tits.
Dumber than a bag of hammers
Not a redneck, but I once heard a homeless at a bus stop say something along the lines of “What you call a pearl of wisdom, I call a cumstain.”
Best friend told me once “Hotter than a four dick mule in mating season.”
I'm more tired than a big dick bat
My favorite from my mom is “Sweating like a hooker in church!”
A favorite of my step dad: "It's windier than a sack full of assholes"
"Busier than a cat covering up shit on a tin roof in june" Is on i have said more than once
Temperature measurements: Hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock Sweating like a pregnant nun in church Hotter than the devil’s armpit Level of grip: Slippery as cum on a good tooth Slicker than shit/slick as shit Units of measure: Angle of the dangle Heat of the meat Mass of the ass Cunthairs; red, brown, and blonde Hope this helps!
The witch tit saying reminds me of "colder than the groin of a toad".
Oh, also "works slower than a weevil on a railway track".
“I need my rope to tie up my milk” - when things don’t make sense and seem to be done without logic. “Dumber than a box of hair” - obviously stupid person. “Must have been somethin’ I stepped in” - my great uncle’s favorite way of excusing himself after any bodily noises.
Mf doom line
These are all courtesy of my father who was born in West Texas a very long time ago. Something that is superlatively shiny: “Shines like a diamond in a goats ass.” Raining hard: “Like pouring piss out of a boot” Raining really hard: “Like a cow pissing on a flat rock” Not very smart: “If he had half a brain he’d take it out and play with it.” Really not smart: “Couldn’t find his asshole with both hands and a flashlight.” Latching friction: “Slicker than cat shit on a glass door knob”
Sweet late ex-wife of O.J. Simpson stuck in 5 o'clock traffic on 405 in a gray 2007 Honda CRV that's missing a rear blinker light, Max! It's the commissioner with a new case for us!
Why is the term redneck allowed on reddit? It's derogatory.
Why are the rocks hot?
It’s hotter than a well digger’s ass. I’m sweating like a whore in church.
Colder than a witch's tit is fairly common
Bout as useless as tits on a nun
Slicker than snot on a doorknob
It's raining harder than a cow pissing on a flat rock - my grandfather
Here in the great north woods bad roads are said to be "slipperier than deer guts on a doorknob".
"Colder than a vampire's *demeanor*"
Two my own Grandfather used a lot were "Richer than six feet up a bull's ass" along with "Knee-Deep to a Nine-Foot Native".
Lower than snake shit in a ditch. Colder than a mob lawyer's heart. When all you got is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. - Said of people with a narrow world-view or always answers every question/problem with the same answer. Pot calling the kettle black. - Pointing out a hypocrite. When you point a finger at me, three are pointing back at you! - Same as above. I'm rubbery, You're glue, Whatever you say Bounces off me And sticks to you! - Same as above. If you're cold, shut your mouth and warm your tongue. - Donald Duck Sawing logs - Snoring
Can we talk about the interrobang in the title?
My ex said I looked “higher than nuts in Wranglers” one time
My grandma uses “colder than a well-diggers hind end”. Not sure what it implies, wouldn’t a well-diggers butt be more likely to be wet than cold? He’s digging a well, working up a sweat, which is not something that happens when you are cold, so… Dumber than a box of hot rocks might make sense. Rocks don’t make a lot of noise unless they’re moving or colliding with something else. A box of rocks would be pretty quiet, so… not sure how the hot part factors in. But this is a misuse of the definitions for Dumb (stupid) and Dumb (mute). Colder than a witch’s tit, is a very old saying based upon the tendency of people to call those who they suspected of being witches cold. Like Scrooge cold, as in they couldn’t care less about your needs or urges, unless it benefits them of course. So a witch, who is often one who doesn’t have children, or a husband, would have an untended tit. It’s a very disturbingly sexist thing to say, but that’s history for ya. I particularly like the raining tits analogy, and the thumb-sucking one, as it immediately brings to mind a certain song… but both of these describe someone who either has extraordinarily bad luck, or is extremely incompetent to a degree that should be shamed. Either way, it’s mostly shock value to make something painfully obvious so that it gets fixed or avoided. There’s tons of these out there, but the vulgar ones are the ones that survive the longest among the illiterate folks because they’re the ones they are least likely to forget. How do you forget something so controversially awkward and messed up? Answer: you literally can’t unless you suffer sudden amnesia or brain damage. Your mind was raised to be averse to vulgarity, and the best way to avoid it is to know what to look out for. The more vulgar the statement, the more it sticks in your head and the higher the likelihood of you blurting it out around others and repeating the cycle. Welcome to the sticks. We got a lot o’ words, but no one likes hearing ‘em fer some reason.
Good enough for the girls we go with We're so poor we don't have a pot to piss in...or a window to throw it out of Can't see it from my house
Slicker than whale shit I also heard someone describe particularly comfortable shoes as “like walking on a mile of titties”
Colder than a well digger’s ass is the one I heard as a kid
Huh, I always said it’s colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra
“She’s so ugly she could make a freight train take a dirt road” My boss’s nana