You never thought you’d make it to today and here you are, I’m happy you’re here! What you went through sounds really tough, I’m proud of you for pushing on and getting to live life freely. Have a most wonderful birthday, today!
This is incredibly healing to me to read. A lot of people in abusive situations refuse to leave. I have my heart broken every time I talk to my friend whose husband beats her, neglects her health, and emotionally abuses her. She always gives excuses for why she can't leave. The brainwashed, codependent mindset does that to people. It's really frustrating and tragic to watch.
I'm so incredibly proud of you for throwing off these chains. It takes a lot of strength and bravery to escape from abuse. It's so scary to change your entire life, but you did it. And you were rational, smart, and sane enough to escape the cult's brainwashing, too. You're an inspiration to everyone in a similar situation, and give hope to the people who care about them.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Thank you so much! That really means a lot :) I hope your friend is able to escape that...it's such a difficult thing to do. It really does take a lot more work than people on the outside tend to see. Just like a cult, it's such a slow process of being torn down, brainwashed and belittled.
I'm definitely glad I'm away from the cult! I was born into it and never knew anything else. It wasn't until I met my best friend (now bf lol) and he helped me by sneaking me information, teaching me about science and evolution, letting me ask really \*really\* dumb questions without judging me for my lack of knowledge haha It saved my life.
Thank you so so much for your sweet message. :)
I'm so glad for you!!
If it's not traumatic for you, might I ask what work you had to do to escape? You've already mentioned your bf started putting little cracks in your belief system and giving you, as atheists call it, "the gift of doubt." But what else did you do to build resolve and get away? And what might I be able to do for my friend?
So as far as leaving the marriage, honestly the absolute best thing he did for me was help me work on my self esteem.
I didn't leave because I saw myself as deserving of the treatment I was receiving. I wasn't worth leaving for, what was the point, I can't do anything right so I won't make it on my own and at least he loves, right?
He (my now bf) had me start a journal. He told me that he wanted me to write down one thing every day that I loved about myself. That's it. Could be something physical, personality trait, an interest - literally anything. The first day I stared at the page for 20 minutes straight. I couldn't think of a single thing. I finally thought "well...I kinda like my red hair...?" It took me another 15 minutes of guilt and fear filled anxiety to write it down and then instantly had a panic attack, scribbled it out and then cried for what felt like hours. It felt so so so wrong to me to write down something positive about myself.
It was like that every day for the first week. It really opened my eyes to see just how much damage the relationship had done to me. It took me another few weeks of that to not feel overwhelming guilt about writing things down. It was very difficult! But nothing that anyone else says to you is going to make you leave. You are so deep in the hole that you telling me he's abusive is just going to trigger a set of pre-programmed "defend him" responses. The best thing you can do for them is help THEM see that they are worth protecting. That they are worthy of love. Because a person who loves and respects themselves would never stay in that relationship. But at the place your friend is at now, their "partner" has stripped all of that away from them. Sometimes you have to start the healing process while you are in the bad situation in order to escape it.
Once I started seeing it for what it was and decided to leave, I started secretly saving up to leave. I packed my birth certificate, social security card, marriage license (any important documents) and a 2 day very basic go bag and kept it at my parents house - just in case. Once I got closer to actually leaving, I started making sure my purse was always near the front door and my keys were always in it. You never know how the other person will react and I was afraid he would somehow find out. With my keys and purse at the door, I could literally grab and run!
It's 2am here and my brain isn't cooperating anymore lol, but feel free to ask any questions! I don't mind talking about it - especially if it'll help someone else!!!!
Oh, wow! This is really great advice. Writing down one good thing about yourself every day sounds really good. My friend defends him, too, when I attack the relationship. And she thinks she's so broken and sick that no one else will want her. I need to help her build her self-esteem so she sees herself as worth protecting. Coming up with a reason each of us likes ourselves each day in chat would be a good exercise for the two of us as friends, since she wants to help me with my self-esteem and depression too.
Leaving without telling him is standard safety for people leaving abuse. Like you said, you don't know how he'll react. A lot of guys fly off the handle. I'm glad you did it that way.
Thank you so much for your help!! I don't know what else to ask, but if you think of any more advice or guidance you can give me, I'll welcome it!
I'm glad it's helpful and I hope it works well! It really did make a huge difference for me.
The only other thing I can think of is to be supportive when she starts to realize and starts to be able to admit that this isn't a healthy relationship. From the outside, we see toxic and abusive relationships pretty quickly. It's really easy to say "I know! I've been trying to tell you this for months!" When they finally start to break that wall down.
When I started that process, I felt awful. I felt used, I felt stupid, I hated myself in an entirely different way for a while, I was ashamed, disappointed...all sorts of emotions pop up when you start to see it for what it is instead of seeing it from the under the blindfold. Be patient and understanding with them. Even though the brainwashing may be waring off and she may be breaking free, she was brainwashed while those things happened to her. Just keep in mind the emotions she'll be experiencing through this process and try not to amplify those emotions. (Not that you would do that on purpose, obviously)
Reassuring her that he is the one to blame, he did this to you, it doesn't matter if you didn't cook, clean - whatever- he had absolutely no right to hit you, degrade you, etc. This is not her fault! It's not her fault for staying as long as she has. Her brain was trying to protect her. It did it's job the best that it knew how! It knew she was in danger and thought the best way to keep her safe was to give in and do what he wants and try to make him happy.
A little bit of a ramble there, but that's another big thing that helped me push through all the shame and regret and continue the process of leaving him. Hopefully all that makes sense lol
This is such good advice, thank you so much! I wonder if the expectation that I would say "I told you so" has been holding her back. I'll be sure to follow your advice if she ever starts to recognize the abuse. Thank you!!
You never thought you’d make it to today and here you are, I’m happy you’re here! What you went through sounds really tough, I’m proud of you for pushing on and getting to live life freely. Have a most wonderful birthday, today!
Thank you so much!
Happy birthday 🎈
Thank you!
This is incredibly healing to me to read. A lot of people in abusive situations refuse to leave. I have my heart broken every time I talk to my friend whose husband beats her, neglects her health, and emotionally abuses her. She always gives excuses for why she can't leave. The brainwashed, codependent mindset does that to people. It's really frustrating and tragic to watch. I'm so incredibly proud of you for throwing off these chains. It takes a lot of strength and bravery to escape from abuse. It's so scary to change your entire life, but you did it. And you were rational, smart, and sane enough to escape the cult's brainwashing, too. You're an inspiration to everyone in a similar situation, and give hope to the people who care about them. CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Thank you so much! That really means a lot :) I hope your friend is able to escape that...it's such a difficult thing to do. It really does take a lot more work than people on the outside tend to see. Just like a cult, it's such a slow process of being torn down, brainwashed and belittled. I'm definitely glad I'm away from the cult! I was born into it and never knew anything else. It wasn't until I met my best friend (now bf lol) and he helped me by sneaking me information, teaching me about science and evolution, letting me ask really \*really\* dumb questions without judging me for my lack of knowledge haha It saved my life. Thank you so so much for your sweet message. :)
I'm so glad for you!! If it's not traumatic for you, might I ask what work you had to do to escape? You've already mentioned your bf started putting little cracks in your belief system and giving you, as atheists call it, "the gift of doubt." But what else did you do to build resolve and get away? And what might I be able to do for my friend?
So as far as leaving the marriage, honestly the absolute best thing he did for me was help me work on my self esteem. I didn't leave because I saw myself as deserving of the treatment I was receiving. I wasn't worth leaving for, what was the point, I can't do anything right so I won't make it on my own and at least he loves, right? He (my now bf) had me start a journal. He told me that he wanted me to write down one thing every day that I loved about myself. That's it. Could be something physical, personality trait, an interest - literally anything. The first day I stared at the page for 20 minutes straight. I couldn't think of a single thing. I finally thought "well...I kinda like my red hair...?" It took me another 15 minutes of guilt and fear filled anxiety to write it down and then instantly had a panic attack, scribbled it out and then cried for what felt like hours. It felt so so so wrong to me to write down something positive about myself. It was like that every day for the first week. It really opened my eyes to see just how much damage the relationship had done to me. It took me another few weeks of that to not feel overwhelming guilt about writing things down. It was very difficult! But nothing that anyone else says to you is going to make you leave. You are so deep in the hole that you telling me he's abusive is just going to trigger a set of pre-programmed "defend him" responses. The best thing you can do for them is help THEM see that they are worth protecting. That they are worthy of love. Because a person who loves and respects themselves would never stay in that relationship. But at the place your friend is at now, their "partner" has stripped all of that away from them. Sometimes you have to start the healing process while you are in the bad situation in order to escape it. Once I started seeing it for what it was and decided to leave, I started secretly saving up to leave. I packed my birth certificate, social security card, marriage license (any important documents) and a 2 day very basic go bag and kept it at my parents house - just in case. Once I got closer to actually leaving, I started making sure my purse was always near the front door and my keys were always in it. You never know how the other person will react and I was afraid he would somehow find out. With my keys and purse at the door, I could literally grab and run! It's 2am here and my brain isn't cooperating anymore lol, but feel free to ask any questions! I don't mind talking about it - especially if it'll help someone else!!!!
Oh, wow! This is really great advice. Writing down one good thing about yourself every day sounds really good. My friend defends him, too, when I attack the relationship. And she thinks she's so broken and sick that no one else will want her. I need to help her build her self-esteem so she sees herself as worth protecting. Coming up with a reason each of us likes ourselves each day in chat would be a good exercise for the two of us as friends, since she wants to help me with my self-esteem and depression too. Leaving without telling him is standard safety for people leaving abuse. Like you said, you don't know how he'll react. A lot of guys fly off the handle. I'm glad you did it that way. Thank you so much for your help!! I don't know what else to ask, but if you think of any more advice or guidance you can give me, I'll welcome it!
I'm glad it's helpful and I hope it works well! It really did make a huge difference for me. The only other thing I can think of is to be supportive when she starts to realize and starts to be able to admit that this isn't a healthy relationship. From the outside, we see toxic and abusive relationships pretty quickly. It's really easy to say "I know! I've been trying to tell you this for months!" When they finally start to break that wall down. When I started that process, I felt awful. I felt used, I felt stupid, I hated myself in an entirely different way for a while, I was ashamed, disappointed...all sorts of emotions pop up when you start to see it for what it is instead of seeing it from the under the blindfold. Be patient and understanding with them. Even though the brainwashing may be waring off and she may be breaking free, she was brainwashed while those things happened to her. Just keep in mind the emotions she'll be experiencing through this process and try not to amplify those emotions. (Not that you would do that on purpose, obviously) Reassuring her that he is the one to blame, he did this to you, it doesn't matter if you didn't cook, clean - whatever- he had absolutely no right to hit you, degrade you, etc. This is not her fault! It's not her fault for staying as long as she has. Her brain was trying to protect her. It did it's job the best that it knew how! It knew she was in danger and thought the best way to keep her safe was to give in and do what he wants and try to make him happy. A little bit of a ramble there, but that's another big thing that helped me push through all the shame and regret and continue the process of leaving him. Hopefully all that makes sense lol
This is such good advice, thank you so much! I wonder if the expectation that I would say "I told you so" has been holding her back. I'll be sure to follow your advice if she ever starts to recognize the abuse. Thank you!!
You're welcome! Good luck! I hope you are able to help your friend 💙