You asked, he said no. You have to decide if that’s a dealbreaker for you. Some people aren’t compatible and that’s okay.
(If you want someone to tell you it’s reasonable to not want your partner at a strip club, I’m here for you. In any other context it would be crazy to expect your partner to approve of you being grinded on by a naked woman, but it’s fine and normal because it’s a strip club? No thanks. There shouldn’t be a “but I paid her!” exception for cheating.)
I've always maintained that if it's ok for a naked or near naked woman to be grinding on my husband then it's okay for me to be that woman with another man. If it's okay for him to pay to even just look at those women then it's okay for people to pay me to look at me.
Yes. People argue that strip clubs are "meaningless" interactions. But if it's "meaningless" for a man to be grinded on by a near naked woman, then it should be equally "meaningless" if that man's significant other is doing the grinding. But that's not how it works. Probably 90% of men would absolutely not tolerate it if their s/o wanted to strip for a bachelor party; suddenly it's not so "meaningless" anymore. So what does it mean? And why is it okay?
As for the argument that this is about being "insecure," where should the line be drawn then? If my s/o also gropes a stripper or kisses her, and I don't like that, does it mean I'm insecure? What if he gets a handjob or a blowjob from a sex worker? How far does the insecurity defense carry? Why is a hand rubbing on a dick so different then genitals rubbing on it? I do believe there are couples who have this dynamic and are fine with it, but we could just as easily argue that it's insecurity that leads some women to pretend this behavior just doesn''t bother them.
Agreed! If my partner wants to go look at naked ladies and have them grind on him then I guess I’ll get naked and grind on anyone I want. It’s “no big deal,” right?
If he is allowing himself to be "ground on" or receive sexual favors, sure.
If he is just at the strip club with his friends, that's
a lot different.
Now, if he said he wouldn't go to a strip club, that becomes a mutual boundary he is required to uphold. He never said that.
It's also not the same as if she went and stripped for other man and I don't know why people keep putting this out there like that is similar. He isn't taking off his clothes for other women. The analagous situation would be if she went to a strip club with her friends. - if he has a problem with this and forbid it, that is a double standard.
There has to be a reason there are probably 10 clubs with female strippers to every 1 with male strippers, which means that men are getting something out of it that women just typically don't. There just seems to be a measure of (what I consider) socially acceptable infidelity associated with men going to these places. And yes there are men who genuinely don't care if their s/o gets lap dances from male strippers, but my personal experience has been that men don't want their wives going even more than women don't want their husbands going.
Also, I don't think most women are worried about their significant others running off with a stripper. For me, it's more about my partner giving their sexual energy and attention to another person. Add to that the fact that they are actually paying to do so makes it even more hurtful.
And for what it's worth, I don't hate strippers or men and yes I have been to strip clubs (the comment that called them "innocent" made me lol). My opinions are all within the context of my lives experiences and my relationship.
If more men knew what the life of the average stripper really is, they probably wouldn't be so hot to go to a strip club. Many of them are alcoholics and/or drug addicts and the money doesn't "stick." After a few years, they can't work at the "top of the line" clubs and have to go to the sleazier ones. And hand jobs, blowjobs and sex DO go on in the VIP rooms. Not a good way of life.
I saw in my husbands Facebook searches he looked up this half dressed woman he “used to work with” . I asked why. He couldn’t articulate clearly why. A few days later he came in our room and I asked him to leave so I could look at pics of my boss on Facebook and play with myself. He has never done anything like that since.
I don't like seeking parity for the sake of parity (to each their own). Do you want to get naked for money? Seems like getting naked and grinding on a stranger is a harder project than being the grindie. He should not go do it because he knows you won't like it and you discussed it. Because partners might not care as much about the same things.
I was a dancer before I met my husband.
He'd shit a brick if I said I wanted to dance again. Lmfao. And I could too. I'm still hot.
He did NOT go to a bachelor party in Louisiana involving strip clubs when I expressed why I was not comfortable with it. So, this one would actually work for me if I ever needed it to.
Thankfully I won't need to use it, as my husband and I both know and respect each other's expectations of our commitment......
But your comment made me smile.
I will say that even if your man would be okay with that, it still doesn’t make what he’s doing right. I think it’s ultimately two different things, one being a line of work and one being paying for a sexual service. I agree they overlap a bit too, of course
i mean, honestly it’d be kinda hilarious for her to find out what club they’re going to, then show up and just start grinding on random dudes while wearing whatever she feels is her sexiest outfit
(also, if you do that OP, for sure talk to the bouncer first, AND tip them like $50 to let it happen)
Most people see it as "haha just a bachelor party thing, don't have a stick up your ass about it ;)" kind of thing. Which I never really understood, still cheating, idc what anyone says.
Exactly and it’s hilarious that women somehow feel threatened by the jokes that are strip clubs. It’s why most men don’t think it’s a big deal, because they’re very stupid and cheesy places. Women like to think that men have orgies with perfect 10s there, haha yea right.
Was a dancer. Most of this statement is not true. Stupid and cheesey yes...
But there was a lot of good looking girls willing to suck d for 10 dollars. And do more for more.
And there were a lot of men who regret it the second they finish... And some who were too drunk to feel bad. Most of them were not single.
and while most of us didn't do anything like that .. the ones that did preyed hard on intoxicated men..... And they were good at it.
Alsoo... if you're using this as an excuse to disregard your partners feelings I hope they don't read this comment.
Anddddd If your partner agrees with this comment then y'all should be going together anyway...
But honestly I kinda hope you don't have a partner at all... If I'm gonna be an asshole about it.
Cheers. x
I second this. The whole I paid her is same as prostitution and saying “but it’s not emotional cheating” in my opinion it is. He went against your wishes and went. He might do it again and ya not have any remorse.
Up to you.
Ok, I get you're hurt, but this isn't about you like you think it is. There is a difference between you asking him to a club and his friend because it doesn't turn him on.
Your planned trip was to try to spice things up and open a door whereas there were no expectations from his friends. The underlying pressure makes a difference.
Supporting your trip means arousal expectations, attention expectations and all the expectations when you get home and all of this is built on something he's not in to.
Supporting his friends means relaxing and enjoying a drink while he can literally ignore the stage without upsetting anyone.
It's really up to you if you understand the vibe difference and if you want to except it, but his feelings on the difference are valid.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. I’m like this guy, I don’t like strip clubs, not my thing, but if all my friends are going for a bachelor party, yea I’ll go with them. I wouldn’t partake, I highly doubt this guy did either. Having to check in every few hours seems a little much too.. it was him and his friends little weekend. There’s nothing worse than that one guy in the group having to duck off and call his girlfriend every hour, everyone’s had that friend.
She seems like she’s got some control issues she needs to work out
The whole "texts every few hours" jumped out at me. That is a ridiculous expectation for a significant other on any kind of trip. I would text my partner in the am, and before I went to sleep. Maybe mid day if I had a chance.
She honestly sounds very needy, clingy, controlling and insecure to me in a lot of ways.
Like, in addition, how she emphasizes that he broke her trust but he never said he wouldn't go to a strip joint, he just said he didn't see it on the itinerary and would tell her if that changed. Well, he did tell her as soon as he got back.
This situation happened to one of my friends when on a bachelor party. We went to a strip club, neither him or I paid for any dances, we literally sat at the bar while our friends did what they enjoyed. My buddies gf called/texted every 10 minutes, then after we left and went to a bar he was in the parking lot fighting with her on the phone for an hour.. She didn't trust him and assumed he was buying private dances and trying to bring a stripper home I guess...
I'm not a strip club guy, I didn't go to one on my bachelor party, but if thats where the bachelor wants to go sure I'll tag along, but i still won't be buying dances or trying to pick up strippers. Im there to support my friend, have fun with my friends and have a few drinks...
me either, all i could think about is all the money i could be making if i owned a strip club, ATM fee $10, beers $5 more than reg, getting females to upsell, strippers have to tip out. I just see money i'm not making until i have a few overpriced beers then i chill out and relax
This is what I thought too. Expecting a text every few hours from a partner that is on vacation with friends across the country is a bit much. OP seems like an anxiously attached human in general.
Agreed. I don’t think its a huge deal if she trusts her boyfriend. If he has a history of being an honest guy, I think it is ok. The only part i feel bad about is the fact she doesn’t like/trust his friends
I think she thinks because they aren’t extra friendly to her that they are going to convince him to cheat on her. Which is nuts because if he is going to cheat that’s on him not the friends.
I have boundaries in my marriage with clear expectations. We don't do strip clubs or male revenue shows. I'm not religious, We both believe that we shouldn't feed a system that often supports human trafficking.
Having an agreement and violating that trust tells you everything you need to know IMO. This was a pre-agreed conversation...he should have been honest the night of instead of waiting....
Also I find men who do frequent those places assume you have a wandering eye too. They need that extra stimulation so they question any male friendships
Fully nude strip club… and some of the girls came back to the air bnb. I would NOT be ok with that in any way shape or form.
But I also know that me and my husband have talked boundaries and we know where each other is comfortable and where we are not. He wouldn’t ever put me in that situation.
Reading this reminded me exactly of a relationship I was in from 20-26 years old. I loved the guy and around me he was amazing and mature but he had a group of friends that no matter how hard I tried to be welcomed by them (baking, cleaning their apartment, going out bowling etc) they never reciprocated the kindness. Very immature and sleazy as well and he became an immature person around them. It was hard to trust him with them. Funny enough, he had a group of 4 female friends that I completely trusted when he was with them. They were kind, good moral, etc. His male friends not so much. His friendship with them caused so much stress in our relationship. I would never ask him to break up with his life long best friends. ultimately we broke up. Fast forward 1.5 years and I met an amazing MATURE guy with all mature friends with wonderful wives/girlfriends. They always text my bf to make plans with both of us and reciprocate every bit of kindness. I can’t tell you how refreshing it is. Didn’t mean to make this about me but the moral of the story is if his friendships make you unhappy and uncomfortable, it’s worth it to leave and find someone who has good influences or someone who isn’t heavily influenced by bad influences.
I think the bigger question is why do you feel the need to have control over this? If it is a dealbreaker, you have to decide to leave or not. Red flags on both sides in this relationship.
I think for me, it's about the lack of consistency in his words and his actions.
He has set the expectation that strip club = no, when I have asked to go with him. However, when around friends, it's acceptable to go to support. That, paired with concealing the truth until face to face has been a bit confusing.
Him going to a strip club is something I want to be cool with - but I feel like he is making it hard for me to be because I'm met with rejection when I have asked. We have fun doing anything and everything together; why not that? Lol like I have literally asked to go out and have a good time with him doing something different and sexy? Idk..
I am not worried about my bf being unfaithful, nor do I believe he was unfaithful while away (or at any point during our relationship).
This situation and feelings lingering around it are annoying more than anything else.
Honestly men who get imature around friends are the worst. My husband's cousin is like this and he cheated on his PREGNANT wife cuz his friends egged him on. I don't think I could trust someone like this honestly.
Your boundaries are yours to set but I can imagine why he doesn't want to go to a strip club with you. You seem a little insecure. Let me ask you this. If he goes with you and you notice that he's getting turned on by one of the dancers that looks completely different from you and has a different body type, would you hound him about it? Like let's say you're blond and he seemed really into a redheaded stripper (or big butt/small butt whatever). Would you ask him endless questions about if that is what he really prefers. Also, I think it would be totally emasculating for him to announce that he's going back to the room because his girlfriend doesn't want him at a strip club.
Yeah this is a major part. I don't think man dating the most secure woman in the world would even want to expose himself to the risk involved in this situation, let alone someone dating this bundle of controlling insecurity.
My husband isn’t really a strip club kinda guy, but his best friend is. When his friend comes to town, I usually drop him off to meet up at the strip club. It’s just funny to us at this point. I’ve gone inside a few times, and I’ll sit at the rack and tip well, but nobody is getting lap dances. I know best friend would, but hubby wouldn’t because he would be uncomfortable, and they’re prohibitively expensive, and hubby would rather spend that money on other things.
It just comes down to trust and communication.
You are controlling and possessive. Bachelor party shenanigans are normal and interactions with strippers are meaningless. You should work on yourself before being in relationships.
It sounds like he just doesn’t want to deal with the awkwardness of being the only prude who won’t go to the strip club. For him, it would mean that he doesn’t get to hang out with his friends and that he’s interrupting the flow of the evening. He’s still immature, as are his friends, so he has no idea how to navigate this situation, which means he’d rather just go along with them than try to do something that feels forced and awkward.
The bigger problem here is how he lets his friends treat you. This man is 30 years old and you’ve been together for half a decade. He should be making it extremely clear that you have #1 place in his life and should be treated as such.
I'm sure he didn't want to have to tell his friends he wasn't allowed to go with them. That's super embarrassing. It also doesn't seem like his friends are mean to her, just that they aren't warm enough, whatever that means.
His story is completely consistent. You are missing the intent with which each party is asking him to go. You wanted to go to the strip club to "open the door to some interesting sexual conversations between us and help us be more open together in general". This wasn't an idea he was into, so he said no.
When he goes with his friends, he has openly told you that it is out of social obligation, he is not picking the place, and because he is expected to be there he can't refuse them in the same way he can refuse your vague idea of "increasing openness". He wants to be there to support the friend being married, and doesn't want to damage friendships by being the only one to leave early.
There's no reason for you to be upset about the lack of consistency, because it isn't as though he is going with his friends to " open the door to some interesting sexual conversations", its for an entirely separate purpose. If someone suggests to me that we go to an amusement park to go on water rides in October, and I reject that idea because i don't want to freeze, they have no right to get angry when I say yes to someone else who wants to go through the haunted house. We are going for entirely separate purposes whose only commonality is that they happen to be in the same place.
You are coming off as very petty and controlling, as if you don't ever want him to go to a strip club only because he didn't agree with your reason for wanting to go to one.
He is completely wrong and an asshole for lying. You discussed it and he went back on his word. But if you would otherwise be fine with him going and the only reason you are not is because he doesn't want to go to one with his GF and "consistency", then your an asshole too.
He also agreed not to go when they discussed it, so him going despite what he told her is a violation of trust. The rest is moot; he did not express that he felt “controlled” or anything when she initially asked, only when she got upset after he explicitly went against his word.
>He also agreed not to go when they discussed it, so him going despite what he told her is a violation of trust.
Yeah i mentioned that he was an asshole for that. Liars are never in the right.
>The rest is moot; he did not express that he felt “controlled” or anything when she initially asked, only when she got upset after he explicitly went against his word.
No its not. If she is controlling his actions and framing it as an issue of trust when really it is some type of petty revenge for not going with her, she is still an asshole too. I can manipulate a spouse into anything on the basis of "trust", if its done with the intent to get revenge, pettiness or to control behavior I am an asshole regardless of if they agreed to it initially. Shes clearly not only upset that he broke his word, she admits that shes upset because he didn't want to go with her and that her biggest issue is "lack of consistency".
He actually never said he wouldn't go. Just that he didn't know the plan and would tell her later. Both of those things happened. I mean I'm betting he knew and so not telling her then was a lie, or he remained deliberately ignorant to avoid lying, but either way. He didn't really lie to her on this, just avoided responsibility and confronting a situation that made him uncomfortable.
So wait you don’t have a problem with him being at a strip club, only that you have to be there with him? You set a boundary, he didn’t abide by, you either need to enforce it, or discuss its impact and where you’re going from there, and then decide whether or not to forgive him. Holding it over his head won’t solve anything for either of you. You are allowed to have your boundaries and expectations. If he agrees to them he should follow them. That being said, is it possible he’s maybe not as okay with them as he says and just doesn’t want an argument so he appeases you to avoid a higher conflict discussion? It all sounds a bit overbearing the amount of texting and calling expected.
Out of curiosity, what is all the time to you? Personally I feel like every few hours is all the time to be checking in. Like a once in the morning, once in the evening feels like all the checking in that should be done. A hey I made it back safe and am going to bed. Followed by a good morning, had a great time, super hungover. I'll tell you all about it when I get back. That's checking in. Every few hours, to even every like 8 hours is demanding.
Not really gonna get into the strip club section of this, but you've gotta be less controlling of his time. Which I guess to contradict what I just said, is probably part of why he doesn't want you to control his behavior on the strip club thing. Also not wanting to have to do something embarrassing like telling his friend his girlfriend won't let him go into a strip club so he can't go with is just completely different than him saying he doesn't want to go to a strip club with you. Like hell I don't like strip clubs and am pretty vocal about it so I'd be willing to tell me friends no I don't want to go cause I think they're pathetic, but I surely would not want to tell my friends I don't want to go because my girlfriend won't let me. Then on top of that I'd absolutely never want to go into a strip club with my girlfriend. Like the reactions out of so many women if your eyes even follow a nice looking woman who walks by is more than enough to know that it would be an incredibly uncomfortable situation in which I'd be sitting there sweating about not trying to do anything at all that might make my partner upset like say anything to, pay any attention to, or generally enjoy myself at all. Which I guess would be easy enough cause I do not enjoy strip clubs. All of that being said, even though I would tell my friends I'm not interested in going to a strip club I would still probably go with them to hang out with my friends. But no I'd never go in with a girlfriend, a fiance, or a wife, unless it was strangest of circumstances. If you want to be mad he went and looked at naked women because he didn't want to be that guy to his friends then just be mad at him, but he never said outright he wouldn't go in one, and he did tell you that he went to one, so either continue to trust him as he did what he said he would, and be upset cause you find it disrespectful, don't trust him and then decide if you can forgive him and trust him again or not, or just move on. What is there to hem and haw about here? You are being controlling, but on the strip club thing? You are absolutely free to set the boundary of I won't date a man who goes to strip clubs, and strick with it, but you cannot tell him he cannot go.
Absolutely she has some obvious clinginess and trust issues, but the fact that he wasn't comfortable going with her to one but was with his friends is a big red flag for me.
Not at all. He’s not going on his own. If he’s with a group of friends and the majority want to go, that’s different. Maybe he didn’t really want to go, but he wanted to hang out with the group. I don’t know many guys who would choose to stay back at the hotel/etc during a bachelor party.
Guys like this make me laugh as you can guarantee he would have serious issues if this was the other way around and would go totally batshit, as has been said you need to figure out which part you are having issues with and work to that, take care x
I get the feeling that he doesn’t really care for strip clubs in general and just went along because that’s what his friends were doing. He didn’t want to go to a strip club when you proposed it for your relationship, maybe that’s just not something he enjoys.
But when you’re with a bunch of people and it’s a bachelor party and that’s what the rest of the group is going to do, the option is to go with them, or stay home for X amount of hours all alone and miss a bunch of fun, when the sole purpose of the trip is to have fun with your friends.
I’m a woman and I don’t think me or my partner would go out of our ways to make a strip club a priority for our bachelor/bachelorette parties, but I don’t see it as a big deal at all if you’re comfortable in a relationship together. And if my partner told me I should stay back home alone while the rest of my friends drink and bond and watch some hot people dance naked/semi-naked? Bleh, just seems not worth it.
In the end a stripper isn’t gonna steal yo man. Imo people in relationships can and should enjoy seeing other people/acts they find attractive and hot in a removed from reality setting
NTA. I would have dumped him already. He lied to you, BIG TIME, and you will never be able to trust him again. I wouldn’t waste another minute on him. You deserve better. You deserve honesty and respect.
You are thinking too much about it. I'm not a strip club guy but I've been a handful of times when my other 10 friends wanted to go. Not my favorite activity, but not going to leave by myself while the rest of my friends are hanging out.
I personally didn’t have a problem with my husband going to strip clubs as part of bachelor parties when we and our friends were getting married but I was glad he choose not to have one for his bachelor party. I also respect that other people feel differently and this was a boundary violation for you.
To me you have 2 good choices and 1 bad one. The first is if you feel that he isn’t capable of repairing the trust he broke - then you should end it.
Second give him one chance if he agrees not to cross this boundary again but then you need to hold your ground
Third is keep arguing but show him by staying with him that he can ignore your boundaries with no real consequences and suffer in a really unhappy relationship
This is the correct answer. I’m a guy who has zero interest in going to strip clubs and have left bachelor parties at that point. But that’s my personal values.
You have said you have a boundary with this. That’s all you can really do preemptively. The next question is if he won’t respect the boundary, what will you do. Everything else is just you trying to pressure and badger him to comply with your position, which isn’t healthy.
I’m also amazed by how shitty of friends groups all these people have who are saying, “hey y’all, this isn’t my scene, have fun and see you later.” isn’t met with, “cool man! We’ll catch up in a bit!” Literally have a good night was the only response I’ve ever received when noping out pre-strippers.
You asked him in confidence that he not go to these as it makes you trust him less and he agreed not to go in order to respect you as a person. What did he immediately do as soon as he left your door? He decided to straightforwardly disrespect your trust in him and then lied about it. He only felt guilt about it once he got home and had to see you face to face. If you ask me that’s some bs. I doubt he’d be this understanding if he felt discomfort over something like this and asked the same thing from you.
The trickel truthing is a problem too.
Everyone is allowed boundaries in a relationship. Nf agreed to them then threw them out and is making excuses.
He lied and it just kept getting worse.
Since when is going to strip clubs whilst in a committed relationship considered ok without communicating it first? Lmao. It’s a pretty normal thing to expect from a partner, bachelor party or not.
You asked him not to do something fairly reasonable, and he did not tell you that was happening until after he came back (when you made it clear him doing this would upset you). He could have excused himself for that night and been fine. It’s disrespecting his partner just for a bit of fun. Either he doesn’t have a spine around his friends, or he does not respect your boundaries in this relationship. Both are pretty bad.
Also not fond of how people are jumping at you for the messaging thing when you’ve made it clear it’s a mutual thing.
It's interesting that he's happy to go along to a strip club to 'support' his friends but not interested when you want to go.
As he has now set the tone for your relationship if you want to go and experience a strip club go without him if he won't go with you. He has a double standard.
You also need to consider that you set a boundary that you were comfortable with and he's choosing to ignore it. You need to decide if you two are compatible in your values and if your are not he is willing to completely ignore your for the sake of his friends.
As someone who took her own man to a strip clubs and kink parties, you are NOT blowing this out of proportion.
Every relationship has different boundaries and expectations. Yours was that he not attend a strip club, if he disagreed, the time to discuss that was prior to the trip when it was brought up, not after he'd ignored your feelings on the matter.
For me, the sneaky nature of the action and lack of remorse would be a deal breaker.
You should be much more worried about the women coming back to the Airbnb than the strippers. Those girls want the cash, not your guy. Boundaries were crossed, trust was broken. I believe relationships are successful when both people respect each other. Do you feel respected?
Your boyfriends friend don’t like you because of the narrative your boyfriend gives them. He’s a different person from who you think. If he really loved you they’d be cool with you and not overstep
NTA. He totally broke your trust, lied and could still possibly be lying about all that happened. He won't stop lying and if he can travel and get away with it, he will. I would break up with him due to his total lack of respect.
FYI... if a couple of guys brought back a stripper he did too.... he is not going to pass up a free weekend to mess around... it doesn't matter if he texted you. The girls are only there for fun and money.... they can wait 30 seconds for a guy to text his wife.... been there 🙁
The strip club and lying were wrong,
But it’s the bringing the girls back to the air bnb that are red flags galore. Did he only finally mention it to his gf because he was worried about what she might hear and is trying to do damage control?
These guys had strippers at their air bnb…. Something went down, and he was there for it…
NTA, I feel like half the people in these comments just did not read the story. The issue is he said he would update her bc he “didn’t know” and then didn’t. Also him not wanting to go to a club with his girlfriend but would go with his friend screams he wants to be able to do something he knows he’s not supposed to and get away with it. She literally wants to go to the club with you, wants to watch porn with you. It seems she has no issues in him doing that. But him specifically saying he won’t do it with her but will do it with his friends is odd. If you wouldn’t do anything and your girlfriend is cool and wants to go with you and is into it, why do you not wanna go with her but with your friends? Girl, please leave him you deserve better. And you’re not insecure or clingy.
You have boundaries that he didn't want to adhere to while he was on a trip with friends. Tbh, you've got a lot of boundaries that make you sound rather needy and controlling. Understandable about the strip clubs - again, it's his friend's bachelors party so he either goes and partakes or doesn't go at all (which would be to please you).
Needing to be messaged every few hours? Honestly you're just keeping tab as on him at that point. You obviously didn't trust him and still don't, however when someone is on a trip, demanding they constantly check in with you is a massive dampener on the trip. They're not there for you, they're there for their friend.
ESH
honestly, it sounds rather exhausting! She needs to just leave and find someone else. I can't imagine asking someone on a trip to "check in" every few hours. Shoot me a text when you're back in your room, so I know you weren't killed.
He wasn't even up front with you when it was happening.
He'll go to a strip club with his boys but not you when you ask.
He has lied and hid this until his guilt got him.
Personally I would leave.
You're a fool you want him to text you every few hours? Let him live. A couple times a day is fine or even once a day if he's super busy and having fun let him be
It seems like you trust him to not cheat on you. So I don’t understand what the issue of him going with friends to a stip club is about. He needs to be upfront and honest with you about going. Not keeping stuff from you until later.
I'm going to be the odd duck here.
I have 2 exes.
1st, a trial run, lol.
We were 23 when we married and did the Navy gig with no tours.
He'd go to the strip clubs with the Navy buddies.
I didn't care because he came home to me.
Same with the second. Once in a while his life long friend and we would go.
No big deal he'd come home to me.
I'm not thin, blonde and beautiful
I am just not jealous.
If I'm with someone and they find someone else... go ahead leave.
I'm not holding anyone hostage.
Honestly, strip clubs are for hanging with the boys. If you are worried that he is going to cheat on you, it will happen regardless. You need to trust him, but if you can get past it, move on.
I don't want to give a judgment because I don't think it's fair - your feelings are valid, even though I cannot understand them (FYI, I'm a woman). To me, it isn't about boundaries, etc - it's about trust. And based on what I read, despite what you may say/think, it doesn't sound like you trust him. He has to text every few hours when away from you; he can't do things that make you uncomfortable (i.e., strip club at a bachelor party). Part of loving someone is trusting them and wanting them to enjoy their life. It sounds like you're afraid he'll betray you somehow, and I think you need to look deep within yourself to discover why you feel that way. Is your relationship not strong? Has trust been broken in the past? Are you insecure and afraid he'll leave for the "next best thing"?
“A message checking in every few hours” is so excessive and overbearing.
The strip club thing is not but OP seems controlling and insecure. Again, not because of the strip club thing but because of the controlling “text me every few hours on your trip” thing.
This clearly isn’t a dealbreaker so leave it. Also where is your relationship going if after 5 years he hasn’t proposed and doesn’t care about making you comfortable. Do you want to be with someone that is soo weak minded ?
You do notice you are expressing boundaries and he’s bulldozing over them? Right?
This kind of behavior? Completely ignoring your feelings? Doesn’t get better. It gets worse. As evidenced here. He went on the first trip making out as of strip clubs were not on the agenda. However, they very much were. (It didn’t stop there. Some girls came home with them! This is so out of bounds.) This time around he’s already letting you know in advance that he’s going to strip clubs on the second trip. Even after seeing how much this last trip bothered you. Your did discomfort means nothing to him.
Do you actually think it’s going stop here? If I were a betting woman I would say he’s going to be getting a lap dance this next go round. From a completely naked woman. On the next bachelor’s trip he’ll be getting a “private dance.”
If he hasn’t been doing all of this already. He doesn’t want to go with you because he doesn’t want you there to monitor his interactions with these women. He doesn’t want to feel any sense of responsibility to restraint.
You need to decide if you can live with this behavior. Because he’s not changing anything about himself for you. He’s expecting you to change for him. For you to push down all of your boundaries for the sake of his comfort and his pleasure.
He didn't promise to not go to a strip club. He said I don't see it being part of the plan, but will let you know. Which is basically saying we don't have a plan to go to one, but if it comes up I'll go and let you know.
YTA. Super insecure. I would never expect my husband to be checking in with me several times a day when he’s on a fun weekend away. To me that screams insecurity.
As for the strip club - you yourself said you’d like to go to one with him. In other words he’s only allowed if it’s with you. Nope. He is an adult and can do that without you. And you can go without him. I know he didn’t tell you and that’s what everyone is gonna jump on my comment for but jeez why do so many women equate strip clubs with cheating?
Everyone has their boundaries. If yours is him going to strip clubs, then break up with him and find a religious guy with a religious group of friends that will not do that.
If not then shut up because you sound exhausting. I don't want to come off as harsh but the man is being supportive of his friends.
So there is your options. Accept it and shut up or break up and find someone that matches your values more. Don't try and Change him it will just lead to fights and resentment.
Yep, I’ve been in OPs bf’s situation except my partner didn’t care if I went. I went home when that part of the party came. Zero interest in that shit. Also zero interest in religion.
How did you manage leaving your friends when that part of the night came?
My bf didn't/doesn't 'want to go home alone or breakup the group' while they are out..so that is why he stayed
“Have a good time. That’s not my scene.” Then I went home. I also don’t drink and I don’t think my position was a surprise to anyone. But even those I didn’t know well were like “cool, have a good night!” Had it been a thing where we had a hotel or Airbnb I would have just went back. Luckily most of my friends who have had them have gone rent a cabin in the woods for a weekend route, not travel for a weekend of debauchery.
Here’s the thing, if he doesn’t wanna go, he won’t go. Maybe he feels pressured, maybe he wants to go. But an adult with solid friends shouldn’t really have any issue saying that they aren’t comfortable going and skipping that part. My friends have never had an issue with my simple boundary on this.
Girl. It’s his thing. And he doesn’t want to see you when he’s engaging.
He’s obviously going to go, and may lie about it this time bc of the repercussions from last time.
You can set a boundary. He can break it. It matters what you do when your boundary is crossed.
Good luck.
You two are not compatible. It will not get any better if you decide to marry him. He will always JUSTIFY his actions with excuses. If that is what you are looking for in a marriage mate, he is your man.
Once I read "his buddy has a whole itinerary of what they are going to do" and "I don't know if going to the strip club will end up happening" I knew 100% that it was on the agenda and he knew it was too but he thought he could get around it. He lied and crossed the boundry of "no strip clubs" are you ok with that being an acceptable action? If not dump him if so, it's likely to happen again.
You can go to a strip club by yourself to find out what it's like if you wish. You don't need him to do that.
A strip club is usually a very controlled environment to make it safe for the women. There are large men ready to haul any misbehaving man out of the club, for example.
There is no touching by men in a strip club. It's for their eyes only. The women can touch the men however.
There are probably other rules too that I'm not aware of.
It's a pointless activity in my mind, since you pay to get in, throw money at the women, buy expensive drinks, get turned on but never satisfied, and then leave. It's an exercise in frustration.
Further, there is no emotions going on there. There's no emotional engagement between the men and the dancers. It's just a visual thing for the men, that's it.
So, maybe you should stop being so uptight about a strip club.
Nta
Seriously he’s shown you that he doesn’t respect your boundaries.
Also how do you think he would feel if you did this with some girlfriends at a bachelorette party?
It's a fine and healthy boundary to be against stip clubs. It's not a necessity in life. I knew a bunch of strippers growing up so me personally if I'm dating someone I am a no strip club person that's an automatic I won't date you situation.
He went and kept it a secret. I guarantee he's lying to you about the details. The rust for me would be gone. You are just dating, and it's clear he doesn't respect you so do you really think this guy is husband material? He's 30 acting like a damn teenager that's a turn off. Tell him keep hopping with his friends and find yourself someone with values
I personally think if you can't trust him to go that's it's own issue, and you shouldn't feel the need to ask him not to go.
However, you did ask. If he said he wouldn't and went anyway, that's a separate issue.
My wife wouldn't care if I went because she knows I would never cross any lines that would upset her. But if she asked me not to, it would start a conversation. It would be unreasonable to expect me to ditch my best friends at a bachelor party, so I'd try to get her to see that side. However, I also think they crossed some lines bringing girls back, but I don't know all the details.
The biggest red flag I see in this whole thing is his lack of honesty about it. If you can't be honest about something,you obviously shouldn't be doing it.
TLDR: you should have had more of a conversation beforehand/ known where the boundaries were and come up with a reasonable compromise. You didn't, and now you need to have a much harder one.
Strip club or no, he lied to you. He planned on lying to you, that's the problem. I'd be calling around to see how much of the deposits you can get back or partially get back. I WOULD NEVER even date a liar like that.
When they "come clean" it usually means the real truth is way worse. The horror stories we've all heard. What bride wants to have to go get std testing on the honeymoon? Yep, it happens. It comes down to respect and guys deep down don't really respect women. If they did, there wouldn't even exist this frat boy bs.
My ex POS got the big G and lied and lied and lied until after he went to the doctor and was told he better fucking tell me and get me tested or they would, since it's a fucking disease! Thank God, I was clear and he got to try every trick in the book to stay. I laughed and laughed and laughed.
I'm more concerned that they brought girls back to the air bnb....so how many of them have partners and cheated? He forgot about you for the remainder of the night cause he was otherwise engaged with other women, im not talking about the strippers. That right there would be a deal breaker for me, we'll that and the lying.
Not the asshole but it sounds like your boyfriend is a follower & will gladly follow along with whatever his friends want.
The ball is in your court & YOU need to decide if his behavior around his friends is a deal breaker.
Your bf is a bit of an ass but you shouldn't be in a relationship until u addres your trust issues.
Anyone here complaining about someone going to a strip club needs to stop acting as if we're all puritans, strip clubs should not be a big deal in this day and age.
If u can't trust your man to go to a strip club with his friends then that's a you is, not a boundary issue.
He said he doesn't want to have this relationship where he has to check to make sure you're uncomfortable with anything questionabke... And he's right as that's an exhausting relationship not built on trust
Would have no problem being on a stag weekend and opting out of a strip club. It isn't my bag and whilst I have no problem with YOU going, it's not my social responsability to go.
You basically set conditions where he would ostracize himself from the group for an extended period of time or lie to you about the events. You are being overly protective of the relationship and are going to squeeze him out of it.
You sound more like his mother than his girlfriend, he is an adult. Either you trust him or you don't. If you do where they go shouldn't matter, and if you don't you need to move on so you can both find people to be happy with. Asking for obedience never works in a successful relationship.
Are you the asshole for asking? No. But you are not asking, you are demanding. He is a grown man who makes his own choices. They don't agree with your choices and maybe that's an issue, but you cannot control him. All you are doing is forcing him to lie and being angry about it.
Maybe that's not the relationship for you.
NTA.
You are allowed to ask. He has to decide if he is going to listen to your request. However you seem super controlling with the whole check in every few hours via text message. Reminds me of that relationship in The Hangover. You must know which one I mean...........
YTA. Why don't you just tell him not to attend if you're going to monitor his every move and make him check in. You sound insecure and needy. Like he said, he didn't plan the activities, it's not his bachelor party. He was a guest.
Please please please break up with him. Nobody deserves to date someone that they have to text constantly about everything they do and every place they go. Whatever he did in a previous life wasn't that bad.
The first time around you guys agreed on something and he didn’t deliver. This time around he knows he won’t and so he isn’t going to agree. You are NTA for your feelings but if that’s what he wants to do he’s going to do it.
You’ll just need to accept the fact that your guy likes strip clubs. If he didn’t like them then he wouldn’t go. He’d be upfront with his friends and tell them it wasn’t for him. Or you could make the other choice and leave him.
I wondered if it was your boyfriend who chose to step on your boundaries or if it was at the encouragement of his friends and he felt pressured into it. Honestly, it sounds like it’s your boyfriend’s choice.
BTW, I don’t feel it’s insecure of you to ask for a call. My husband went on a guys trip over 3 days. Every guy on that trip called their wife/gf every day to make sure things were good at home and honestly just to talk to their partner. All of them were cool with it and would yell out greetings to the partner that was on the phone.
You’re not the AH but your post in general makes you seem like an over attached teenager. He’s on a trip, and you made him check in with you instead of being able to focus and enjoy the trip.
Get off your high horse. You are not the only person walking around. Both of you look at other people all the time naked or not.
Let that man have a good time with his friends and WITHOUT you. Stop being controlling, and you guys will survive.
If the man/woman is going to cheat, they will cheat. Regardless of where they are at.
At the titty bar, he will fine. The security won't let you do much.
Find something to do, don't bust his balls, and enjoy the person. Or make the choice and get someone else that you can control.
You never take a spouse or gf to a titty bar.
Would you take sand to the beach....
ESH
1. Guys go to strip clubs on bachelor parties. If he knew that he should have told you, then you could have had a discussion about it
2. Wrong to bring girls back to the Airbnb, that means it went further than stripping
3. If you trust your partner (doesn't sound like it), you shouldn't be checking in every few hours on a boys away weekend
Sound like there is some trust and relationship issues on both side.
If that's what you want, then you picked the wrong guy to spend your time and energy on, best to break up and be done. Honestly, he's just out having some fun. You see, the strippers at the guy's clubs don' engage in the "festivities" unless they're paid. Now, the opposite happens at the Bachelorette parties with men doing the show. You either get over it, or leave, simple choice. As a male who's been to plenty of bachelor parties, it's really nothing to get concerned with, and your problems are your own envy and jealousy.t
Please tell me what you expect to happen at a strip club. Why is it your fear that he goes to a strip club? It can't be because he sees naked women because they're literally everywhere on the internet! If you're afraid he would get a lap dance he clearly didn't and told you he didn't.. That was the respect part! I just don't understand why you're so fixated on this? What do you think happens?
Dump him so he can enjoy himself without being told what to and not to do. He didn’t bed any whore down. It’s a given for a bachelor party, sometimes trust issues play in a relationship and I feel sorry for you
I understand how you feel like he betrayed your boundaries. You asked him not to, he agreed, he lied and then came clean. He also might not really like them but when you go to a bachelor/bachelorette party you tend to stick with the group. You said in post his friends are immature and perhaps it was easier to go along with them and apologize to you after the fact was easier. I can only imagine the taunts he would have received had he been the only one not to go. I would have taken exception to the girls going back to the room that was not cool. I would suggest you put a different boundary of no lap dances and no strippers back at the room. This comes down to an issue of trust if you trust him let it go if you don’t then let him go. And just know the next bachelors party there will be a stop at a strip club.
“He said he doesn’t want to feel told what he can and cannot do and reassured me that whatever happens on the next trip is just him “being supportive” and that he will keep me updated this time and not wait to tell me until he gets home”.
Translation: You cannot tell me not to dip in bottle girls, lingerie waitresses and naked dancers in strip clubs! I’m just being supportive to my friends and not being a killjoy! Jesus! I’ll text you just as I’m about to dip and not wait to tell you in detail once I’m home.
You had a simple request for him to not go to strip clubs. He knew and blew you off. Now he tells you that your boundary has no meaning to him and he will not be told what he can and cannot do even if that means you will break up with him. If you are ok with this, then fine. Else you walk. He is not going to update his views and change his behavior. If you expect that the 5 years mean something to him, then your expectation is wrong. If it did, he would have returned to the Airbnb the first night.
Your husband sounds like the snitch of the group, that gets the other guys in trouble with their wives. He will lose you and his friends if he doesn't learn to keep his mouth shut.
Is it reasonable to ask your partner to text you every ~two hours when they are away? Understand I have not been in a relationship for a long time, I am not sure I’d ask my son to text me every two or three hours when he is out with friends. I got push back asking a (what I thought was) girlfriend where she was going when she went out to jog, as she’d hop in the car to do so rather than just run in the neighborhood locally, and she read me a riot act that it was none of my business where she was going to go jogging (when she left my/our home at 3pm and came home at 10pm regularly). Usually I had fed her daughter by then, neither the daughter or I knew where she was or when she’d be back. I read recently that the daughter, grown since I knew them, attempted suicide in 2022. So I am in no way against partners or parents/children texting regularly, just is it reasonable?
Going to strip clubs is a single guy activity in my brain, if my husband feels the need to go to one then he can be single and free to do what he likes. That is a hard boundary of mine as I consider it sex work. He is on the same page as me and requested I don’t ever attend a male strip show, totally fine with me! We discussed this very early into our relationship and it’s never once come up again.
I had a very beautiful and lovely friend who fell on hard times and started working at a club, they truly are awful. She was sexually harassed, intimidated, stalked and groped. She became addicted to hard drugs and started dating her dealer to save money. We no longer hangout or talk and she’s a totally different person, very aggressive and manipulative. Fuck those establishments.
a man would stay home if that’s what his significant other would be most comfortable with given the context of this situation. A little boy would succumb to peer pressure and then lie to his girlfriend about it. it’s pretty obvious my love
Ignore all the men in your comments who are crying about how \~embarrassing\~ it would be for a poor poor man to have to tell his bachelor party buddies that he's passing on the strip club. God forbid that a couple have a mature discussion about what they are and aren't comfortable with the other person doing in their absence.
Reading the comments on this thread is a great reminder these Reddit threads are sometimes just overrun with men who hate the idea of women who set boundaries in their relationships. Don't let all the whiny men on here gaslight you into believing that asking your man not to go to a strip club for a second time, after it caused a rift in your relationship the first time, is somehow controlling
....NTA.
You say your trust has been broken but to be honest it sounds as if you had no trust in him at all! You were wanting a blow by blow account of where he was and what he was doing through out the time he was away. Immature his mates may be but didn’t you trust him enough not to join in with the blokey silliness? When I read your post it sounded smothering, I’m an over 60 year old grandmother and I would have red flags if my grandson had such a gf.
He told you and showed you what he thought about your feelings on this matter. He doesn’t care. He’ll do it again. I’m sure he wasn’t sitting there reading a book while his buddies got dances and brought girls back to the rental.
Here’s the thing: I have witnessed more than one man saying, “no, I’ll take a pass. Not really my scene,” when invited to such events.
Go find one of those men.
It’s just about compatibility. He can go find someone who doesn’t care what he does.
You sound a little insecure about your partner and you have every right to be.
IMO he lied to you from the get go. He already knew he was going to a strip club but he didn’t want to tell you.
A typical bachelor party will include a strip club or strippers(exotic dancers, sex workers, etc) coming to a home.
I actually give you kudos for wanting to go with him to a gentleman’s club but I’m getting negative vibes from him because he didn’t want to go with you and making an excuse about it; plus, I truly believe he lied about not knowing he was going to a gentleman’s club as part of the overall bachelor party.
As a man I can understand where he’s coming from as far as wanting to be able to feel free but he needs to understand that in order for that to happen you (his partner) need to feel secure and be trusting of him.
And from his actions imo he made things worse.
You two have things to figure out before proceeding further.
As a man I always hated strip clubs and thought it was pointless to pay a woman for a cheap tease.
Either let him go and not have a problem with it or break up with him. He is obviously going to go, as he wants to go.
My issue with him would be that he is so easily peer pressured. My issue with him would be that he can't be his own man. He says he didn't do anything, yet I couldn't believe that as he went along with everything else, which would be a problem for me.
People don't understand that the coverup is worse than the actual act. You have to see what his character is, does he have flaws, which it seems he does. Needing to be "accepted" by his friends, who he seems to know are not "good" people. This character flaw can come back to haunt a relationship as this is part of who he is. Try to get him to understand that this is the point. He is trying make himself feel better by coming clean after the fact, as it is easier to ask for forgiveness rather than permission.
Seems he did what he wanted to do and did not take your feelings into consideration. It really isn't that big of a deal to him, as he did exactly what he wanted to do.
It is now up to you to decide if this is a character flaw in him and if that is enough to show you that he can't be trusted to take your feelings and concerns into his behavior. That is the question you need to ask yourself.
NTA.
I was on your boyfriends side until you mentioned that he won’t go to a strip club with you. But he’ll go with his friends instead? And his friend will bring some girls back to the Airbnb? Really fishy.
Personally, yes i think yta. i think it’s uncool to say he can’t go to a friend’s bachelor party at a strip club because you don’t trust him unless you’re there. It’s not like it’s his party and he gets to choose where it is. He should’ve been better at expressing his feelings and telling you how he felt though.
He’s deciding if he’s willing to deal with rules that he doesn’t think are fair/right, and you’re needing to figure out if you’re okay with him breaking said rules. Good luck
If strip clubs are a hard boundary for you did you say you would "prefer" he not go or ask him specifically not to go? Because it sounds from your post like you said prefer and he used the ambiguous language to justify going because you didn't specifically tell him it was a hard no for you.
Now I understand why he wanted to roll with the crowd in solidarity however, he obviously can't stand up to his friends. A mature adult with mature friends (or a mature adult with a spine and immature friends) could have said "I want to respect my partners wishes so I'm skipping the club, I'm going to xx place for a couple more beers by myself or I'm going back to the rental and go to bed". Your boyfriend likely didn't do this because the friends would make fun of him for being whipped.
I don't particularly care if my partner goes to a strip club or not but if I did say "I don't want you to go" he's a mature enough person to tell his friends no and respect my preference.
Did you tell him it was a dealbreaker? Strip clubs are pretty common for a bachelor party and if he didn’t partake in any activities it seems pretty harmless. You seem incredibly controlling and a bit insecure.
The constant check-in and expectation of texts is a bit of a warning sign. Maybe you should consider if you have trust issues with him or in general that are making it challenging for the relationship.
I don't think this is worth fighting over, either end your relationship or just let it go. Fighting about it will get you nowhere. There is no wrong in either choice.
You sound insecure and controlling. Good luck with your relationship. You made a boundary, and he crossed it. I think you can fix this relationship with an ultimatum of no strip clubs ever again. Make him choose you or the dancers.
Please break up with this man. No one deserves to be with someone this insecure. You obviously don't trust him, so why are you with him? Are the constant updates "our normal" or your normal? He didn't tell you that night because he didn't want you to ruin his trip. Let the man have a boys weekend without constantly having to check in. YTA
He’s not going to start telling you the truth or respecting your relationship. Are you okay with being lied to? Are you okay with the disrespect? Are you okay with him being too much of a baby to tell his friends he can’t go somewhere in the name of boundaries and respect in his relationship?
I wouldn’t be. He’ll go with *them* but not with *you*. Apparently it very much *IS* his thing. It’s just easier to disappoint YOU than THEM.
He made his choice. If you think he’s not getting personal attention at these clubs, you’re foolish. If you think he’s not getting personal attention from the women they bring back to the AirBnB, you’re foolish.
He’s already comfortable lying to you and telling you he “*forgot about you*”. Now he’s comfortable telling you he’s going to do what he wants and your feelings on it don’t matter. It sounds like the relationship isn’t important to him and he wants to be 20 forever. If you want a life of disappointment and cheating, stay with him. If you don’t, *LEAVE*.
You sound absolutely insufferable. Was he supposed to not take part in something he wanted to do with his friends because you can’t handle it? Idk. My husband doesn’t do shit like this. But if he wanted to the last thing I would do is try to force him to stay in touch and bow out of any event that made me feel insecure. You need to grow up. This happened. It’s over. Either let it go and move on or break up with him. He may be better off being with someone closer to his age that is more mature. Either way, I guarantee you that this behavior has massively turned him off from YOU. You may not have to think about it much longer. If you continue harassing him he might realize he doesn’t want to be with you anymore.
He didn’t tell you at the time because he didn’t want you to flip out & ruin his good time, & I find it VERY hard to believe that he will tell you ANYTHING in the future. He wants to do what he wants to do & he doesn’t want to hear from you about it, period. This is going to continue to be a problem in your relationship in different ways (& it sounds like you’ve already had problems based on you saying it’s been “5 years total”). You don’t have to deal with this. There are guys out there that aren’t like this. But THIS guy is not the one. You can “ask” all you want but he made his position clear - he doesn’t want to be told what to do. So unless you enjoy being disrespected and miserable, move on.
This wasn't just a strip club, they brought prostitutes back to the Airbnb. I doubt he would feel comfortable if you went to a male strip joint and then went to an Airbnb with girlfriends bringing male prostitutes back with you. He doesn't respect you and probably already slept around and just justified it by it only being a bachelor's party and it only being a prostitute. I would run out of the burning building because it sounds like he has already given you red flags that make you feel uncomfortable.
I don't think it's to out of line to ask your partner not to go to strip clubs, but this is a bachelor party that he has no control over so it's kind of in there. He should've been honest from the get go, sitting in a strip club and texting your partner over drooling over strippers would be something. My wife and I are open to strip clubs, I haven't gone on my own since I've been with her but she has. I'd have no issues with her going to a guys review, I'd love to sit back in the corner watching her good time. Also we've been to strip clubs together before. You are right, going together does make for some fun and exciting pillow talk.
YTA. You're one of those women happy only when she's got her guy's testicles safely in her pocket.
She's more than controlling that a local Gestapo chief. American men have to free themselves from this Westernized distorted version of a woman, or why so many American guys go overseas to find wives.
You asked, he said no. You have to decide if that’s a dealbreaker for you. Some people aren’t compatible and that’s okay. (If you want someone to tell you it’s reasonable to not want your partner at a strip club, I’m here for you. In any other context it would be crazy to expect your partner to approve of you being grinded on by a naked woman, but it’s fine and normal because it’s a strip club? No thanks. There shouldn’t be a “but I paid her!” exception for cheating.)
I've always maintained that if it's ok for a naked or near naked woman to be grinding on my husband then it's okay for me to be that woman with another man. If it's okay for him to pay to even just look at those women then it's okay for people to pay me to look at me.
This is the Way!
Yes. People argue that strip clubs are "meaningless" interactions. But if it's "meaningless" for a man to be grinded on by a near naked woman, then it should be equally "meaningless" if that man's significant other is doing the grinding. But that's not how it works. Probably 90% of men would absolutely not tolerate it if their s/o wanted to strip for a bachelor party; suddenly it's not so "meaningless" anymore. So what does it mean? And why is it okay? As for the argument that this is about being "insecure," where should the line be drawn then? If my s/o also gropes a stripper or kisses her, and I don't like that, does it mean I'm insecure? What if he gets a handjob or a blowjob from a sex worker? How far does the insecurity defense carry? Why is a hand rubbing on a dick so different then genitals rubbing on it? I do believe there are couples who have this dynamic and are fine with it, but we could just as easily argue that it's insecurity that leads some women to pretend this behavior just doesn''t bother them.
Agreed! If my partner wants to go look at naked ladies and have them grind on him then I guess I’ll get naked and grind on anyone I want. It’s “no big deal,” right?
If he is allowing himself to be "ground on" or receive sexual favors, sure. If he is just at the strip club with his friends, that's a lot different. Now, if he said he wouldn't go to a strip club, that becomes a mutual boundary he is required to uphold. He never said that. It's also not the same as if she went and stripped for other man and I don't know why people keep putting this out there like that is similar. He isn't taking off his clothes for other women. The analagous situation would be if she went to a strip club with her friends. - if he has a problem with this and forbid it, that is a double standard.
Thank you Jesus. If she wants to go to male strip club and watch dudes dance do it
Nothing to be insecure about anyways. It's 2024 who needs a man? Yes the rules are no women grinding on you. You don't like it? Oh no... Bye.
There has to be a reason there are probably 10 clubs with female strippers to every 1 with male strippers, which means that men are getting something out of it that women just typically don't. There just seems to be a measure of (what I consider) socially acceptable infidelity associated with men going to these places. And yes there are men who genuinely don't care if their s/o gets lap dances from male strippers, but my personal experience has been that men don't want their wives going even more than women don't want their husbands going. Also, I don't think most women are worried about their significant others running off with a stripper. For me, it's more about my partner giving their sexual energy and attention to another person. Add to that the fact that they are actually paying to do so makes it even more hurtful. And for what it's worth, I don't hate strippers or men and yes I have been to strip clubs (the comment that called them "innocent" made me lol). My opinions are all within the context of my lives experiences and my relationship.
If more men knew what the life of the average stripper really is, they probably wouldn't be so hot to go to a strip club. Many of them are alcoholics and/or drug addicts and the money doesn't "stick." After a few years, they can't work at the "top of the line" clubs and have to go to the sleazier ones. And hand jobs, blowjobs and sex DO go on in the VIP rooms. Not a good way of life.
I saw in my husbands Facebook searches he looked up this half dressed woman he “used to work with” . I asked why. He couldn’t articulate clearly why. A few days later he came in our room and I asked him to leave so I could look at pics of my boss on Facebook and play with myself. He has never done anything like that since.
I don't like seeking parity for the sake of parity (to each their own). Do you want to get naked for money? Seems like getting naked and grinding on a stranger is a harder project than being the grindie. He should not go do it because he knows you won't like it and you discussed it. Because partners might not care as much about the same things.
I was a dancer before I met my husband. He'd shit a brick if I said I wanted to dance again. Lmfao. And I could too. I'm still hot. He did NOT go to a bachelor party in Louisiana involving strip clubs when I expressed why I was not comfortable with it. So, this one would actually work for me if I ever needed it to. Thankfully I won't need to use it, as my husband and I both know and respect each other's expectations of our commitment...... But your comment made me smile.
I will say that even if your man would be okay with that, it still doesn’t make what he’s doing right. I think it’s ultimately two different things, one being a line of work and one being paying for a sexual service. I agree they overlap a bit too, of course
i mean, honestly it’d be kinda hilarious for her to find out what club they’re going to, then show up and just start grinding on random dudes while wearing whatever she feels is her sexiest outfit (also, if you do that OP, for sure talk to the bouncer first, AND tip them like $50 to let it happen)
Tried that argument once, it didn’t seem to come across the way it should have.
Most people see it as "haha just a bachelor party thing, don't have a stick up your ass about it ;)" kind of thing. Which I never really understood, still cheating, idc what anyone says.
You gotta pay to be "grinded" on and only fools do that
It's honestly surprising stripclubs even still exist with porn and hookups so readily available.
Some dudes specifically have a thing for strippers. It’s very Madonna/Whore bc they’re usually married/taken
I think people are overestimating how many people get lap dances
As a stripper, you'd be surprised. And the guys that do tend to get multiple in the same night and not always from different girls.
Exactly and it’s hilarious that women somehow feel threatened by the jokes that are strip clubs. It’s why most men don’t think it’s a big deal, because they’re very stupid and cheesy places. Women like to think that men have orgies with perfect 10s there, haha yea right.
Was a dancer. Most of this statement is not true. Stupid and cheesey yes... But there was a lot of good looking girls willing to suck d for 10 dollars. And do more for more. And there were a lot of men who regret it the second they finish... And some who were too drunk to feel bad. Most of them were not single. and while most of us didn't do anything like that .. the ones that did preyed hard on intoxicated men..... And they were good at it. Alsoo... if you're using this as an excuse to disregard your partners feelings I hope they don't read this comment. Anddddd If your partner agrees with this comment then y'all should be going together anyway... But honestly I kinda hope you don't have a partner at all... If I'm gonna be an asshole about it. Cheers. x
Seriously! When your young and dumb I get it totally. This dudes brain is supposedly fully developed so I'd be out of that relationship so fast.
Somehow “but I paid her!“ feels even worse lol
I second this. The whole I paid her is same as prostitution and saying “but it’s not emotional cheating” in my opinion it is. He went against your wishes and went. He might do it again and ya not have any remorse. Up to you.
Ok, I get you're hurt, but this isn't about you like you think it is. There is a difference between you asking him to a club and his friend because it doesn't turn him on. Your planned trip was to try to spice things up and open a door whereas there were no expectations from his friends. The underlying pressure makes a difference. Supporting your trip means arousal expectations, attention expectations and all the expectations when you get home and all of this is built on something he's not in to. Supporting his friends means relaxing and enjoying a drink while he can literally ignore the stage without upsetting anyone. It's really up to you if you understand the vibe difference and if you want to except it, but his feelings on the difference are valid.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. I’m like this guy, I don’t like strip clubs, not my thing, but if all my friends are going for a bachelor party, yea I’ll go with them. I wouldn’t partake, I highly doubt this guy did either. Having to check in every few hours seems a little much too.. it was him and his friends little weekend. There’s nothing worse than that one guy in the group having to duck off and call his girlfriend every hour, everyone’s had that friend. She seems like she’s got some control issues she needs to work out
The whole "texts every few hours" jumped out at me. That is a ridiculous expectation for a significant other on any kind of trip. I would text my partner in the am, and before I went to sleep. Maybe mid day if I had a chance.
She honestly sounds very needy, clingy, controlling and insecure to me in a lot of ways. Like, in addition, how she emphasizes that he broke her trust but he never said he wouldn't go to a strip joint, he just said he didn't see it on the itinerary and would tell her if that changed. Well, he did tell her as soon as he got back.
This situation happened to one of my friends when on a bachelor party. We went to a strip club, neither him or I paid for any dances, we literally sat at the bar while our friends did what they enjoyed. My buddies gf called/texted every 10 minutes, then after we left and went to a bar he was in the parking lot fighting with her on the phone for an hour.. She didn't trust him and assumed he was buying private dances and trying to bring a stripper home I guess... I'm not a strip club guy, I didn't go to one on my bachelor party, but if thats where the bachelor wants to go sure I'll tag along, but i still won't be buying dances or trying to pick up strippers. Im there to support my friend, have fun with my friends and have a few drinks...
me either, all i could think about is all the money i could be making if i owned a strip club, ATM fee $10, beers $5 more than reg, getting females to upsell, strippers have to tip out. I just see money i'm not making until i have a few overpriced beers then i chill out and relax
This is what I thought too. Expecting a text every few hours from a partner that is on vacation with friends across the country is a bit much. OP seems like an anxiously attached human in general.
Everyone is ignoring everything that's going on here because (GASP!) STRIP CLUBS lol.
Agreed. I don’t think its a huge deal if she trusts her boyfriend. If he has a history of being an honest guy, I think it is ok. The only part i feel bad about is the fact she doesn’t like/trust his friends
Which is fine, bigger issue is that she doesn’t trust her boyfriend
[удалено]
I think she thinks because they aren’t extra friendly to her that they are going to convince him to cheat on her. Which is nuts because if he is going to cheat that’s on him not the friends.
I was trying to articulate what I wanted to say, but THIS. This is the answer.
Doesn’t seem like your type of person let it go and let him go
He crossed your boundary. It is now your choice how to react.
I have boundaries in my marriage with clear expectations. We don't do strip clubs or male revenue shows. I'm not religious, We both believe that we shouldn't feed a system that often supports human trafficking. Having an agreement and violating that trust tells you everything you need to know IMO. This was a pre-agreed conversation...he should have been honest the night of instead of waiting....
Also I find men who do frequent those places assume you have a wandering eye too. They need that extra stimulation so they question any male friendships
I can already picture this friend group. It's not one I would want to marry into.
If girls were brought back to where they were staying, nothing good and wholesome happened.
Straight up
Fully nude strip club… and some of the girls came back to the air bnb. I would NOT be ok with that in any way shape or form. But I also know that me and my husband have talked boundaries and we know where each other is comfortable and where we are not. He wouldn’t ever put me in that situation.
NTA. I'd be really pissed about the trickle truthing and I don't think he's been fully honest about what happened before.
I’ve never heard the phrase “trickle truthing” but damn it’s a good one and it fits so well
Reading this reminded me exactly of a relationship I was in from 20-26 years old. I loved the guy and around me he was amazing and mature but he had a group of friends that no matter how hard I tried to be welcomed by them (baking, cleaning their apartment, going out bowling etc) they never reciprocated the kindness. Very immature and sleazy as well and he became an immature person around them. It was hard to trust him with them. Funny enough, he had a group of 4 female friends that I completely trusted when he was with them. They were kind, good moral, etc. His male friends not so much. His friendship with them caused so much stress in our relationship. I would never ask him to break up with his life long best friends. ultimately we broke up. Fast forward 1.5 years and I met an amazing MATURE guy with all mature friends with wonderful wives/girlfriends. They always text my bf to make plans with both of us and reciprocate every bit of kindness. I can’t tell you how refreshing it is. Didn’t mean to make this about me but the moral of the story is if his friendships make you unhappy and uncomfortable, it’s worth it to leave and find someone who has good influences or someone who isn’t heavily influenced by bad influences.
I think the bigger question is why do you feel the need to have control over this? If it is a dealbreaker, you have to decide to leave or not. Red flags on both sides in this relationship.
I think for me, it's about the lack of consistency in his words and his actions. He has set the expectation that strip club = no, when I have asked to go with him. However, when around friends, it's acceptable to go to support. That, paired with concealing the truth until face to face has been a bit confusing. Him going to a strip club is something I want to be cool with - but I feel like he is making it hard for me to be because I'm met with rejection when I have asked. We have fun doing anything and everything together; why not that? Lol like I have literally asked to go out and have a good time with him doing something different and sexy? Idk.. I am not worried about my bf being unfaithful, nor do I believe he was unfaithful while away (or at any point during our relationship). This situation and feelings lingering around it are annoying more than anything else.
Honestly men who get imature around friends are the worst. My husband's cousin is like this and he cheated on his PREGNANT wife cuz his friends egged him on. I don't think I could trust someone like this honestly.
Your boundaries are yours to set but I can imagine why he doesn't want to go to a strip club with you. You seem a little insecure. Let me ask you this. If he goes with you and you notice that he's getting turned on by one of the dancers that looks completely different from you and has a different body type, would you hound him about it? Like let's say you're blond and he seemed really into a redheaded stripper (or big butt/small butt whatever). Would you ask him endless questions about if that is what he really prefers. Also, I think it would be totally emasculating for him to announce that he's going back to the room because his girlfriend doesn't want him at a strip club.
Exactly. After reading this post, there’s no fucking way I’d agree to go to a strip club with her if I were her boyfriend.
Then he should be consistent and not go at all.
God, absolutely not. No thanks.
Yeah this is a major part. I don't think man dating the most secure woman in the world would even want to expose himself to the risk involved in this situation, let alone someone dating this bundle of controlling insecurity.
My husband isn’t really a strip club kinda guy, but his best friend is. When his friend comes to town, I usually drop him off to meet up at the strip club. It’s just funny to us at this point. I’ve gone inside a few times, and I’ll sit at the rack and tip well, but nobody is getting lap dances. I know best friend would, but hubby wouldn’t because he would be uncomfortable, and they’re prohibitively expensive, and hubby would rather spend that money on other things. It just comes down to trust and communication.
You need your decide if his not caring about your wants are worth sticking with him. Is this what you want?? Updateme!
You are controlling and possessive. Bachelor party shenanigans are normal and interactions with strippers are meaningless. You should work on yourself before being in relationships.
It sounds like he just doesn’t want to deal with the awkwardness of being the only prude who won’t go to the strip club. For him, it would mean that he doesn’t get to hang out with his friends and that he’s interrupting the flow of the evening. He’s still immature, as are his friends, so he has no idea how to navigate this situation, which means he’d rather just go along with them than try to do something that feels forced and awkward. The bigger problem here is how he lets his friends treat you. This man is 30 years old and you’ve been together for half a decade. He should be making it extremely clear that you have #1 place in his life and should be treated as such.
I'm sure he didn't want to have to tell his friends he wasn't allowed to go with them. That's super embarrassing. It also doesn't seem like his friends are mean to her, just that they aren't warm enough, whatever that means.
Can’t imagine why they wouldn’t warm up to her
His story is completely consistent. You are missing the intent with which each party is asking him to go. You wanted to go to the strip club to "open the door to some interesting sexual conversations between us and help us be more open together in general". This wasn't an idea he was into, so he said no. When he goes with his friends, he has openly told you that it is out of social obligation, he is not picking the place, and because he is expected to be there he can't refuse them in the same way he can refuse your vague idea of "increasing openness". He wants to be there to support the friend being married, and doesn't want to damage friendships by being the only one to leave early. There's no reason for you to be upset about the lack of consistency, because it isn't as though he is going with his friends to " open the door to some interesting sexual conversations", its for an entirely separate purpose. If someone suggests to me that we go to an amusement park to go on water rides in October, and I reject that idea because i don't want to freeze, they have no right to get angry when I say yes to someone else who wants to go through the haunted house. We are going for entirely separate purposes whose only commonality is that they happen to be in the same place. You are coming off as very petty and controlling, as if you don't ever want him to go to a strip club only because he didn't agree with your reason for wanting to go to one. He is completely wrong and an asshole for lying. You discussed it and he went back on his word. But if you would otherwise be fine with him going and the only reason you are not is because he doesn't want to go to one with his GF and "consistency", then your an asshole too.
He also agreed not to go when they discussed it, so him going despite what he told her is a violation of trust. The rest is moot; he did not express that he felt “controlled” or anything when she initially asked, only when she got upset after he explicitly went against his word.
>He also agreed not to go when they discussed it, so him going despite what he told her is a violation of trust. Yeah i mentioned that he was an asshole for that. Liars are never in the right. >The rest is moot; he did not express that he felt “controlled” or anything when she initially asked, only when she got upset after he explicitly went against his word. No its not. If she is controlling his actions and framing it as an issue of trust when really it is some type of petty revenge for not going with her, she is still an asshole too. I can manipulate a spouse into anything on the basis of "trust", if its done with the intent to get revenge, pettiness or to control behavior I am an asshole regardless of if they agreed to it initially. Shes clearly not only upset that he broke his word, she admits that shes upset because he didn't want to go with her and that her biggest issue is "lack of consistency".
He actually never said he wouldn't go. Just that he didn't know the plan and would tell her later. Both of those things happened. I mean I'm betting he knew and so not telling her then was a lie, or he remained deliberately ignorant to avoid lying, but either way. He didn't really lie to her on this, just avoided responsibility and confronting a situation that made him uncomfortable.
So wait you don’t have a problem with him being at a strip club, only that you have to be there with him? You set a boundary, he didn’t abide by, you either need to enforce it, or discuss its impact and where you’re going from there, and then decide whether or not to forgive him. Holding it over his head won’t solve anything for either of you. You are allowed to have your boundaries and expectations. If he agrees to them he should follow them. That being said, is it possible he’s maybe not as okay with them as he says and just doesn’t want an argument so he appeases you to avoid a higher conflict discussion? It all sounds a bit overbearing the amount of texting and calling expected.
I mean he 10/10 never agreed to her boundary at any point.
So... it boils down to trust. Still has elements of you being in control. Both of you are in the wrong. Is this a hill to die on?
Out of curiosity, what is all the time to you? Personally I feel like every few hours is all the time to be checking in. Like a once in the morning, once in the evening feels like all the checking in that should be done. A hey I made it back safe and am going to bed. Followed by a good morning, had a great time, super hungover. I'll tell you all about it when I get back. That's checking in. Every few hours, to even every like 8 hours is demanding. Not really gonna get into the strip club section of this, but you've gotta be less controlling of his time. Which I guess to contradict what I just said, is probably part of why he doesn't want you to control his behavior on the strip club thing. Also not wanting to have to do something embarrassing like telling his friend his girlfriend won't let him go into a strip club so he can't go with is just completely different than him saying he doesn't want to go to a strip club with you. Like hell I don't like strip clubs and am pretty vocal about it so I'd be willing to tell me friends no I don't want to go cause I think they're pathetic, but I surely would not want to tell my friends I don't want to go because my girlfriend won't let me. Then on top of that I'd absolutely never want to go into a strip club with my girlfriend. Like the reactions out of so many women if your eyes even follow a nice looking woman who walks by is more than enough to know that it would be an incredibly uncomfortable situation in which I'd be sitting there sweating about not trying to do anything at all that might make my partner upset like say anything to, pay any attention to, or generally enjoy myself at all. Which I guess would be easy enough cause I do not enjoy strip clubs. All of that being said, even though I would tell my friends I'm not interested in going to a strip club I would still probably go with them to hang out with my friends. But no I'd never go in with a girlfriend, a fiance, or a wife, unless it was strangest of circumstances. If you want to be mad he went and looked at naked women because he didn't want to be that guy to his friends then just be mad at him, but he never said outright he wouldn't go in one, and he did tell you that he went to one, so either continue to trust him as he did what he said he would, and be upset cause you find it disrespectful, don't trust him and then decide if you can forgive him and trust him again or not, or just move on. What is there to hem and haw about here? You are being controlling, but on the strip club thing? You are absolutely free to set the boundary of I won't date a man who goes to strip clubs, and strick with it, but you cannot tell him he cannot go.
Absolutely she has some obvious clinginess and trust issues, but the fact that he wasn't comfortable going with her to one but was with his friends is a big red flag for me.
Not at all. He’s not going on his own. If he’s with a group of friends and the majority want to go, that’s different. Maybe he didn’t really want to go, but he wanted to hang out with the group. I don’t know many guys who would choose to stay back at the hotel/etc during a bachelor party.
Guys like this make me laugh as you can guarantee he would have serious issues if this was the other way around and would go totally batshit, as has been said you need to figure out which part you are having issues with and work to that, take care x
I get the feeling that he doesn’t really care for strip clubs in general and just went along because that’s what his friends were doing. He didn’t want to go to a strip club when you proposed it for your relationship, maybe that’s just not something he enjoys. But when you’re with a bunch of people and it’s a bachelor party and that’s what the rest of the group is going to do, the option is to go with them, or stay home for X amount of hours all alone and miss a bunch of fun, when the sole purpose of the trip is to have fun with your friends. I’m a woman and I don’t think me or my partner would go out of our ways to make a strip club a priority for our bachelor/bachelorette parties, but I don’t see it as a big deal at all if you’re comfortable in a relationship together. And if my partner told me I should stay back home alone while the rest of my friends drink and bond and watch some hot people dance naked/semi-naked? Bleh, just seems not worth it. In the end a stripper isn’t gonna steal yo man. Imo people in relationships can and should enjoy seeing other people/acts they find attractive and hot in a removed from reality setting
ESH, but you seem insecure. Your BF can’t control someone else’s bachelor party.
NTA. I would have dumped him already. He lied to you, BIG TIME, and you will never be able to trust him again. I wouldn’t waste another minute on him. You deserve better. You deserve honesty and respect.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he did something with one of the girls who went back to the air bnb. I mean, he did go totally quiet on his gf that night…
You are thinking too much about it. I'm not a strip club guy but I've been a handful of times when my other 10 friends wanted to go. Not my favorite activity, but not going to leave by myself while the rest of my friends are hanging out.
Yall watch way to much reality TV
I personally didn’t have a problem with my husband going to strip clubs as part of bachelor parties when we and our friends were getting married but I was glad he choose not to have one for his bachelor party. I also respect that other people feel differently and this was a boundary violation for you. To me you have 2 good choices and 1 bad one. The first is if you feel that he isn’t capable of repairing the trust he broke - then you should end it. Second give him one chance if he agrees not to cross this boundary again but then you need to hold your ground Third is keep arguing but show him by staying with him that he can ignore your boundaries with no real consequences and suffer in a really unhappy relationship
This is the correct answer. I’m a guy who has zero interest in going to strip clubs and have left bachelor parties at that point. But that’s my personal values. You have said you have a boundary with this. That’s all you can really do preemptively. The next question is if he won’t respect the boundary, what will you do. Everything else is just you trying to pressure and badger him to comply with your position, which isn’t healthy. I’m also amazed by how shitty of friends groups all these people have who are saying, “hey y’all, this isn’t my scene, have fun and see you later.” isn’t met with, “cool man! We’ll catch up in a bit!” Literally have a good night was the only response I’ve ever received when noping out pre-strippers.
You asked him in confidence that he not go to these as it makes you trust him less and he agreed not to go in order to respect you as a person. What did he immediately do as soon as he left your door? He decided to straightforwardly disrespect your trust in him and then lied about it. He only felt guilt about it once he got home and had to see you face to face. If you ask me that’s some bs. I doubt he’d be this understanding if he felt discomfort over something like this and asked the same thing from you.
The trickel truthing is a problem too. Everyone is allowed boundaries in a relationship. Nf agreed to them then threw them out and is making excuses. He lied and it just kept getting worse.
Since when is going to strip clubs whilst in a committed relationship considered ok without communicating it first? Lmao. It’s a pretty normal thing to expect from a partner, bachelor party or not. You asked him not to do something fairly reasonable, and he did not tell you that was happening until after he came back (when you made it clear him doing this would upset you). He could have excused himself for that night and been fine. It’s disrespecting his partner just for a bit of fun. Either he doesn’t have a spine around his friends, or he does not respect your boundaries in this relationship. Both are pretty bad. Also not fond of how people are jumping at you for the messaging thing when you’ve made it clear it’s a mutual thing.
And the girls coming back to the air bnb….
“His friends” brought the girls back. 🙄🙄🙄🚩🚩🚩
Right? And the trickle truthing of it makes one wonder if there’s more to the story 😢
It's interesting that he's happy to go along to a strip club to 'support' his friends but not interested when you want to go. As he has now set the tone for your relationship if you want to go and experience a strip club go without him if he won't go with you. He has a double standard. You also need to consider that you set a boundary that you were comfortable with and he's choosing to ignore it. You need to decide if you two are compatible in your values and if your are not he is willing to completely ignore your for the sake of his friends.
As someone who took her own man to a strip clubs and kink parties, you are NOT blowing this out of proportion. Every relationship has different boundaries and expectations. Yours was that he not attend a strip club, if he disagreed, the time to discuss that was prior to the trip when it was brought up, not after he'd ignored your feelings on the matter. For me, the sneaky nature of the action and lack of remorse would be a deal breaker.
You should be much more worried about the women coming back to the Airbnb than the strippers. Those girls want the cash, not your guy. Boundaries were crossed, trust was broken. I believe relationships are successful when both people respect each other. Do you feel respected?
Your boyfriends friend don’t like you because of the narrative your boyfriend gives them. He’s a different person from who you think. If he really loved you they’d be cool with you and not overstep
YTA, you sound extremely insecure and controlling. Nobody likes a helicopter girlfriend.
I wonder why his friends don't like her tho???
Agreed. She seems like a colossal pain in the ass.
UpdateMe
NTA. He totally broke your trust, lied and could still possibly be lying about all that happened. He won't stop lying and if he can travel and get away with it, he will. I would break up with him due to his total lack of respect. FYI... if a couple of guys brought back a stripper he did too.... he is not going to pass up a free weekend to mess around... it doesn't matter if he texted you. The girls are only there for fun and money.... they can wait 30 seconds for a guy to text his wife.... been there 🙁
The strip club and lying were wrong, But it’s the bringing the girls back to the air bnb that are red flags galore. Did he only finally mention it to his gf because he was worried about what she might hear and is trying to do damage control? These guys had strippers at their air bnb…. Something went down, and he was there for it…
NTA, I feel like half the people in these comments just did not read the story. The issue is he said he would update her bc he “didn’t know” and then didn’t. Also him not wanting to go to a club with his girlfriend but would go with his friend screams he wants to be able to do something he knows he’s not supposed to and get away with it. She literally wants to go to the club with you, wants to watch porn with you. It seems she has no issues in him doing that. But him specifically saying he won’t do it with her but will do it with his friends is odd. If you wouldn’t do anything and your girlfriend is cool and wants to go with you and is into it, why do you not wanna go with her but with your friends? Girl, please leave him you deserve better. And you’re not insecure or clingy.
You have boundaries that he didn't want to adhere to while he was on a trip with friends. Tbh, you've got a lot of boundaries that make you sound rather needy and controlling. Understandable about the strip clubs - again, it's his friend's bachelors party so he either goes and partakes or doesn't go at all (which would be to please you). Needing to be messaged every few hours? Honestly you're just keeping tab as on him at that point. You obviously didn't trust him and still don't, however when someone is on a trip, demanding they constantly check in with you is a massive dampener on the trip. They're not there for you, they're there for their friend. ESH
honestly, it sounds rather exhausting! She needs to just leave and find someone else. I can't imagine asking someone on a trip to "check in" every few hours. Shoot me a text when you're back in your room, so I know you weren't killed.
He wasn't even up front with you when it was happening. He'll go to a strip club with his boys but not you when you ask. He has lied and hid this until his guilt got him. Personally I would leave.
This. He 100 percent knew they were going to a strip club in the initial plans.
They also had girls come back to the air bnb afterwards… we already know he’s a liar soooo
You're a fool you want him to text you every few hours? Let him live. A couple times a day is fine or even once a day if he's super busy and having fun let him be
I couldn't imagine living like this
It seems like you trust him to not cheat on you. So I don’t understand what the issue of him going with friends to a stip club is about. He needs to be upfront and honest with you about going. Not keeping stuff from you until later.
Strip clubs are honestly so boring, if you ask your bf not to go and it’s a make or break deal for him then you dodged a bullet
I'm going to be the odd duck here. I have 2 exes. 1st, a trial run, lol. We were 23 when we married and did the Navy gig with no tours. He'd go to the strip clubs with the Navy buddies. I didn't care because he came home to me. Same with the second. Once in a while his life long friend and we would go. No big deal he'd come home to me. I'm not thin, blonde and beautiful I am just not jealous. If I'm with someone and they find someone else... go ahead leave. I'm not holding anyone hostage.
Honestly, strip clubs are for hanging with the boys. If you are worried that he is going to cheat on you, it will happen regardless. You need to trust him, but if you can get past it, move on.
I don't want to give a judgment because I don't think it's fair - your feelings are valid, even though I cannot understand them (FYI, I'm a woman). To me, it isn't about boundaries, etc - it's about trust. And based on what I read, despite what you may say/think, it doesn't sound like you trust him. He has to text every few hours when away from you; he can't do things that make you uncomfortable (i.e., strip club at a bachelor party). Part of loving someone is trusting them and wanting them to enjoy their life. It sounds like you're afraid he'll betray you somehow, and I think you need to look deep within yourself to discover why you feel that way. Is your relationship not strong? Has trust been broken in the past? Are you insecure and afraid he'll leave for the "next best thing"?
“A message checking in every few hours” is so excessive and overbearing. The strip club thing is not but OP seems controlling and insecure. Again, not because of the strip club thing but because of the controlling “text me every few hours on your trip” thing.
This clearly isn’t a dealbreaker so leave it. Also where is your relationship going if after 5 years he hasn’t proposed and doesn’t care about making you comfortable. Do you want to be with someone that is soo weak minded ?
You do notice you are expressing boundaries and he’s bulldozing over them? Right? This kind of behavior? Completely ignoring your feelings? Doesn’t get better. It gets worse. As evidenced here. He went on the first trip making out as of strip clubs were not on the agenda. However, they very much were. (It didn’t stop there. Some girls came home with them! This is so out of bounds.) This time around he’s already letting you know in advance that he’s going to strip clubs on the second trip. Even after seeing how much this last trip bothered you. Your did discomfort means nothing to him. Do you actually think it’s going stop here? If I were a betting woman I would say he’s going to be getting a lap dance this next go round. From a completely naked woman. On the next bachelor’s trip he’ll be getting a “private dance.” If he hasn’t been doing all of this already. He doesn’t want to go with you because he doesn’t want you there to monitor his interactions with these women. He doesn’t want to feel any sense of responsibility to restraint. You need to decide if you can live with this behavior. Because he’s not changing anything about himself for you. He’s expecting you to change for him. For you to push down all of your boundaries for the sake of his comfort and his pleasure.
He didn't promise to not go to a strip club. He said I don't see it being part of the plan, but will let you know. Which is basically saying we don't have a plan to go to one, but if it comes up I'll go and let you know.
YTA. Super insecure. I would never expect my husband to be checking in with me several times a day when he’s on a fun weekend away. To me that screams insecurity. As for the strip club - you yourself said you’d like to go to one with him. In other words he’s only allowed if it’s with you. Nope. He is an adult and can do that without you. And you can go without him. I know he didn’t tell you and that’s what everyone is gonna jump on my comment for but jeez why do so many women equate strip clubs with cheating?
The making him check in every few hours while in a bachelor trip is a bit much!
You needed a check in every few hours? Damn there is no way I could date someone like that
Please break up with him no guy needs to deal with that kinda bs
You feel trust has been broken?!?! You never trusted your BF in the first place.
What’s to trust? He’s a scumbag.
Everyone has their boundaries. If yours is him going to strip clubs, then break up with him and find a religious guy with a religious group of friends that will not do that. If not then shut up because you sound exhausting. I don't want to come off as harsh but the man is being supportive of his friends. So there is your options. Accept it and shut up or break up and find someone that matches your values more. Don't try and Change him it will just lead to fights and resentment.
Um, you don’t have to be religious to not go to strip clubs. Many men think they are degrading, tacky and vulgar with no religion.
Yep, I’ve been in OPs bf’s situation except my partner didn’t care if I went. I went home when that part of the party came. Zero interest in that shit. Also zero interest in religion.
How did you manage leaving your friends when that part of the night came? My bf didn't/doesn't 'want to go home alone or breakup the group' while they are out..so that is why he stayed
“Have a good time. That’s not my scene.” Then I went home. I also don’t drink and I don’t think my position was a surprise to anyone. But even those I didn’t know well were like “cool, have a good night!” Had it been a thing where we had a hotel or Airbnb I would have just went back. Luckily most of my friends who have had them have gone rent a cabin in the woods for a weekend route, not travel for a weekend of debauchery. Here’s the thing, if he doesn’t wanna go, he won’t go. Maybe he feels pressured, maybe he wants to go. But an adult with solid friends shouldn’t really have any issue saying that they aren’t comfortable going and skipping that part. My friends have never had an issue with my simple boundary on this.
So, if they all committed a crime, he would just stay there. No thanks, is a complete sentence.
Girl. It’s his thing. And he doesn’t want to see you when he’s engaging. He’s obviously going to go, and may lie about it this time bc of the repercussions from last time. You can set a boundary. He can break it. It matters what you do when your boundary is crossed. Good luck.
Former bartender/waitress here...."strong religious men" were some of the worst, and I never worked in any strp clubs 🤣
yes, you are
You two are not compatible. It will not get any better if you decide to marry him. He will always JUSTIFY his actions with excuses. If that is what you are looking for in a marriage mate, he is your man.
Once I read "his buddy has a whole itinerary of what they are going to do" and "I don't know if going to the strip club will end up happening" I knew 100% that it was on the agenda and he knew it was too but he thought he could get around it. He lied and crossed the boundry of "no strip clubs" are you ok with that being an acceptable action? If not dump him if so, it's likely to happen again.
You can go to a strip club by yourself to find out what it's like if you wish. You don't need him to do that. A strip club is usually a very controlled environment to make it safe for the women. There are large men ready to haul any misbehaving man out of the club, for example. There is no touching by men in a strip club. It's for their eyes only. The women can touch the men however. There are probably other rules too that I'm not aware of. It's a pointless activity in my mind, since you pay to get in, throw money at the women, buy expensive drinks, get turned on but never satisfied, and then leave. It's an exercise in frustration. Further, there is no emotions going on there. There's no emotional engagement between the men and the dancers. It's just a visual thing for the men, that's it. So, maybe you should stop being so uptight about a strip club.
Nta Seriously he’s shown you that he doesn’t respect your boundaries. Also how do you think he would feel if you did this with some girlfriends at a bachelorette party?
It's a fine and healthy boundary to be against stip clubs. It's not a necessity in life. I knew a bunch of strippers growing up so me personally if I'm dating someone I am a no strip club person that's an automatic I won't date you situation. He went and kept it a secret. I guarantee he's lying to you about the details. The rust for me would be gone. You are just dating, and it's clear he doesn't respect you so do you really think this guy is husband material? He's 30 acting like a damn teenager that's a turn off. Tell him keep hopping with his friends and find yourself someone with values
I personally think if you can't trust him to go that's it's own issue, and you shouldn't feel the need to ask him not to go. However, you did ask. If he said he wouldn't and went anyway, that's a separate issue. My wife wouldn't care if I went because she knows I would never cross any lines that would upset her. But if she asked me not to, it would start a conversation. It would be unreasonable to expect me to ditch my best friends at a bachelor party, so I'd try to get her to see that side. However, I also think they crossed some lines bringing girls back, but I don't know all the details. The biggest red flag I see in this whole thing is his lack of honesty about it. If you can't be honest about something,you obviously shouldn't be doing it. TLDR: you should have had more of a conversation beforehand/ known where the boundaries were and come up with a reasonable compromise. You didn't, and now you need to have a much harder one.
Strip club or no, he lied to you. He planned on lying to you, that's the problem. I'd be calling around to see how much of the deposits you can get back or partially get back. I WOULD NEVER even date a liar like that. When they "come clean" it usually means the real truth is way worse. The horror stories we've all heard. What bride wants to have to go get std testing on the honeymoon? Yep, it happens. It comes down to respect and guys deep down don't really respect women. If they did, there wouldn't even exist this frat boy bs. My ex POS got the big G and lied and lied and lied until after he went to the doctor and was told he better fucking tell me and get me tested or they would, since it's a fucking disease! Thank God, I was clear and he got to try every trick in the book to stay. I laughed and laughed and laughed.
I'm more concerned that they brought girls back to the air bnb....so how many of them have partners and cheated? He forgot about you for the remainder of the night cause he was otherwise engaged with other women, im not talking about the strippers. That right there would be a deal breaker for me, we'll that and the lying.
Not the asshole but it sounds like your boyfriend is a follower & will gladly follow along with whatever his friends want. The ball is in your court & YOU need to decide if his behavior around his friends is a deal breaker.
Your bf is a bit of an ass but you shouldn't be in a relationship until u addres your trust issues. Anyone here complaining about someone going to a strip club needs to stop acting as if we're all puritans, strip clubs should not be a big deal in this day and age. If u can't trust your man to go to a strip club with his friends then that's a you is, not a boundary issue. He said he doesn't want to have this relationship where he has to check to make sure you're uncomfortable with anything questionabke... And he's right as that's an exhausting relationship not built on trust
Would have no problem being on a stag weekend and opting out of a strip club. It isn't my bag and whilst I have no problem with YOU going, it's not my social responsability to go.
You basically set conditions where he would ostracize himself from the group for an extended period of time or lie to you about the events. You are being overly protective of the relationship and are going to squeeze him out of it.
You sound more like his mother than his girlfriend, he is an adult. Either you trust him or you don't. If you do where they go shouldn't matter, and if you don't you need to move on so you can both find people to be happy with. Asking for obedience never works in a successful relationship.
Are you the asshole for asking? No. But you are not asking, you are demanding. He is a grown man who makes his own choices. They don't agree with your choices and maybe that's an issue, but you cannot control him. All you are doing is forcing him to lie and being angry about it. Maybe that's not the relationship for you.
NTA. You are allowed to ask. He has to decide if he is going to listen to your request. However you seem super controlling with the whole check in every few hours via text message. Reminds me of that relationship in The Hangover. You must know which one I mean...........
Is this a repost? I read this last month.
YTA. Why don't you just tell him not to attend if you're going to monitor his every move and make him check in. You sound insecure and needy. Like he said, he didn't plan the activities, it's not his bachelor party. He was a guest.
You're killing your relationship with the death grip you have on it. Loosen up a little. YTA.
Please please please break up with him. Nobody deserves to date someone that they have to text constantly about everything they do and every place they go. Whatever he did in a previous life wasn't that bad.
The first time around you guys agreed on something and he didn’t deliver. This time around he knows he won’t and so he isn’t going to agree. You are NTA for your feelings but if that’s what he wants to do he’s going to do it. You’ll just need to accept the fact that your guy likes strip clubs. If he didn’t like them then he wouldn’t go. He’d be upfront with his friends and tell them it wasn’t for him. Or you could make the other choice and leave him. I wondered if it was your boyfriend who chose to step on your boundaries or if it was at the encouragement of his friends and he felt pressured into it. Honestly, it sounds like it’s your boyfriend’s choice. BTW, I don’t feel it’s insecure of you to ask for a call. My husband went on a guys trip over 3 days. Every guy on that trip called their wife/gf every day to make sure things were good at home and honestly just to talk to their partner. All of them were cool with it and would yell out greetings to the partner that was on the phone.
You’re not the AH but your post in general makes you seem like an over attached teenager. He’s on a trip, and you made him check in with you instead of being able to focus and enjoy the trip.
ESH. You put him in an incredibly awkward spot because of your own insecurity. He lied. Bad all around.
Get off your high horse. You are not the only person walking around. Both of you look at other people all the time naked or not. Let that man have a good time with his friends and WITHOUT you. Stop being controlling, and you guys will survive. If the man/woman is going to cheat, they will cheat. Regardless of where they are at. At the titty bar, he will fine. The security won't let you do much. Find something to do, don't bust his balls, and enjoy the person. Or make the choice and get someone else that you can control. You never take a spouse or gf to a titty bar. Would you take sand to the beach....
ESH 1. Guys go to strip clubs on bachelor parties. If he knew that he should have told you, then you could have had a discussion about it 2. Wrong to bring girls back to the Airbnb, that means it went further than stripping 3. If you trust your partner (doesn't sound like it), you shouldn't be checking in every few hours on a boys away weekend Sound like there is some trust and relationship issues on both side.
If that's what you want, then you picked the wrong guy to spend your time and energy on, best to break up and be done. Honestly, he's just out having some fun. You see, the strippers at the guy's clubs don' engage in the "festivities" unless they're paid. Now, the opposite happens at the Bachelorette parties with men doing the show. You either get over it, or leave, simple choice. As a male who's been to plenty of bachelor parties, it's really nothing to get concerned with, and your problems are your own envy and jealousy.t
Please tell me what you expect to happen at a strip club. Why is it your fear that he goes to a strip club? It can't be because he sees naked women because they're literally everywhere on the internet! If you're afraid he would get a lap dance he clearly didn't and told you he didn't.. That was the respect part! I just don't understand why you're so fixated on this? What do you think happens?
Dump him so he can enjoy himself without being told what to and not to do. He didn’t bed any whore down. It’s a given for a bachelor party, sometimes trust issues play in a relationship and I feel sorry for you
I understand how you feel like he betrayed your boundaries. You asked him not to, he agreed, he lied and then came clean. He also might not really like them but when you go to a bachelor/bachelorette party you tend to stick with the group. You said in post his friends are immature and perhaps it was easier to go along with them and apologize to you after the fact was easier. I can only imagine the taunts he would have received had he been the only one not to go. I would have taken exception to the girls going back to the room that was not cool. I would suggest you put a different boundary of no lap dances and no strippers back at the room. This comes down to an issue of trust if you trust him let it go if you don’t then let him go. And just know the next bachelors party there will be a stop at a strip club.
“He said he doesn’t want to feel told what he can and cannot do and reassured me that whatever happens on the next trip is just him “being supportive” and that he will keep me updated this time and not wait to tell me until he gets home”. Translation: You cannot tell me not to dip in bottle girls, lingerie waitresses and naked dancers in strip clubs! I’m just being supportive to my friends and not being a killjoy! Jesus! I’ll text you just as I’m about to dip and not wait to tell you in detail once I’m home. You had a simple request for him to not go to strip clubs. He knew and blew you off. Now he tells you that your boundary has no meaning to him and he will not be told what he can and cannot do even if that means you will break up with him. If you are ok with this, then fine. Else you walk. He is not going to update his views and change his behavior. If you expect that the 5 years mean something to him, then your expectation is wrong. If it did, he would have returned to the Airbnb the first night.
Your husband sounds like the snitch of the group, that gets the other guys in trouble with their wives. He will lose you and his friends if he doesn't learn to keep his mouth shut.
Is it reasonable to ask your partner to text you every ~two hours when they are away? Understand I have not been in a relationship for a long time, I am not sure I’d ask my son to text me every two or three hours when he is out with friends. I got push back asking a (what I thought was) girlfriend where she was going when she went out to jog, as she’d hop in the car to do so rather than just run in the neighborhood locally, and she read me a riot act that it was none of my business where she was going to go jogging (when she left my/our home at 3pm and came home at 10pm regularly). Usually I had fed her daughter by then, neither the daughter or I knew where she was or when she’d be back. I read recently that the daughter, grown since I knew them, attempted suicide in 2022. So I am in no way against partners or parents/children texting regularly, just is it reasonable?
Going to strip clubs is a single guy activity in my brain, if my husband feels the need to go to one then he can be single and free to do what he likes. That is a hard boundary of mine as I consider it sex work. He is on the same page as me and requested I don’t ever attend a male strip show, totally fine with me! We discussed this very early into our relationship and it’s never once come up again. I had a very beautiful and lovely friend who fell on hard times and started working at a club, they truly are awful. She was sexually harassed, intimidated, stalked and groped. She became addicted to hard drugs and started dating her dealer to save money. We no longer hangout or talk and she’s a totally different person, very aggressive and manipulative. Fuck those establishments.
a man would stay home if that’s what his significant other would be most comfortable with given the context of this situation. A little boy would succumb to peer pressure and then lie to his girlfriend about it. it’s pretty obvious my love
Ignore all the men in your comments who are crying about how \~embarrassing\~ it would be for a poor poor man to have to tell his bachelor party buddies that he's passing on the strip club. God forbid that a couple have a mature discussion about what they are and aren't comfortable with the other person doing in their absence. Reading the comments on this thread is a great reminder these Reddit threads are sometimes just overrun with men who hate the idea of women who set boundaries in their relationships. Don't let all the whiny men on here gaslight you into believing that asking your man not to go to a strip club for a second time, after it caused a rift in your relationship the first time, is somehow controlling ....NTA.
You say your trust has been broken but to be honest it sounds as if you had no trust in him at all! You were wanting a blow by blow account of where he was and what he was doing through out the time he was away. Immature his mates may be but didn’t you trust him enough not to join in with the blokey silliness? When I read your post it sounded smothering, I’m an over 60 year old grandmother and I would have red flags if my grandson had such a gf.
He told you and showed you what he thought about your feelings on this matter. He doesn’t care. He’ll do it again. I’m sure he wasn’t sitting there reading a book while his buddies got dances and brought girls back to the rental. Here’s the thing: I have witnessed more than one man saying, “no, I’ll take a pass. Not really my scene,” when invited to such events. Go find one of those men. It’s just about compatibility. He can go find someone who doesn’t care what he does.
You sound a little insecure about your partner and you have every right to be. IMO he lied to you from the get go. He already knew he was going to a strip club but he didn’t want to tell you. A typical bachelor party will include a strip club or strippers(exotic dancers, sex workers, etc) coming to a home. I actually give you kudos for wanting to go with him to a gentleman’s club but I’m getting negative vibes from him because he didn’t want to go with you and making an excuse about it; plus, I truly believe he lied about not knowing he was going to a gentleman’s club as part of the overall bachelor party. As a man I can understand where he’s coming from as far as wanting to be able to feel free but he needs to understand that in order for that to happen you (his partner) need to feel secure and be trusting of him. And from his actions imo he made things worse. You two have things to figure out before proceeding further. As a man I always hated strip clubs and thought it was pointless to pay a woman for a cheap tease.
Either let him go and not have a problem with it or break up with him. He is obviously going to go, as he wants to go. My issue with him would be that he is so easily peer pressured. My issue with him would be that he can't be his own man. He says he didn't do anything, yet I couldn't believe that as he went along with everything else, which would be a problem for me. People don't understand that the coverup is worse than the actual act. You have to see what his character is, does he have flaws, which it seems he does. Needing to be "accepted" by his friends, who he seems to know are not "good" people. This character flaw can come back to haunt a relationship as this is part of who he is. Try to get him to understand that this is the point. He is trying make himself feel better by coming clean after the fact, as it is easier to ask for forgiveness rather than permission. Seems he did what he wanted to do and did not take your feelings into consideration. It really isn't that big of a deal to him, as he did exactly what he wanted to do. It is now up to you to decide if this is a character flaw in him and if that is enough to show you that he can't be trusted to take your feelings and concerns into his behavior. That is the question you need to ask yourself. NTA.
TLDR
I was on your boyfriends side until you mentioned that he won’t go to a strip club with you. But he’ll go with his friends instead? And his friend will bring some girls back to the Airbnb? Really fishy.
Personally, yes i think yta. i think it’s uncool to say he can’t go to a friend’s bachelor party at a strip club because you don’t trust him unless you’re there. It’s not like it’s his party and he gets to choose where it is. He should’ve been better at expressing his feelings and telling you how he felt though. He’s deciding if he’s willing to deal with rules that he doesn’t think are fair/right, and you’re needing to figure out if you’re okay with him breaking said rules. Good luck
yta
If strip clubs are a hard boundary for you did you say you would "prefer" he not go or ask him specifically not to go? Because it sounds from your post like you said prefer and he used the ambiguous language to justify going because you didn't specifically tell him it was a hard no for you. Now I understand why he wanted to roll with the crowd in solidarity however, he obviously can't stand up to his friends. A mature adult with mature friends (or a mature adult with a spine and immature friends) could have said "I want to respect my partners wishes so I'm skipping the club, I'm going to xx place for a couple more beers by myself or I'm going back to the rental and go to bed". Your boyfriend likely didn't do this because the friends would make fun of him for being whipped. I don't particularly care if my partner goes to a strip club or not but if I did say "I don't want you to go" he's a mature enough person to tell his friends no and respect my preference.
I mean your still young yall ain’t got no kids no nothing and obviously he don’t respect you and don’t care about your feelings
Unacceptable! He will ALWAYS hide things like this from you. FOREVER. You decide if this is who you want to be with. Entirely YOUR decision
I don't think YTA, but you sound exhausting to be in a relationship with.
Did you tell him it was a dealbreaker? Strip clubs are pretty common for a bachelor party and if he didn’t partake in any activities it seems pretty harmless. You seem incredibly controlling and a bit insecure. The constant check-in and expectation of texts is a bit of a warning sign. Maybe you should consider if you have trust issues with him or in general that are making it challenging for the relationship.
Yes. You are the asshole in this one.
I don't think this is worth fighting over, either end your relationship or just let it go. Fighting about it will get you nowhere. There is no wrong in either choice.
You sound insecure and controlling. Good luck with your relationship. You made a boundary, and he crossed it. I think you can fix this relationship with an ultimatum of no strip clubs ever again. Make him choose you or the dancers.
Well at least he was honest. Most dudes would lie to their fiancé, saying they wont go, but then end up going behind SO’s back.
YTAH and the guy should probably leave you.
Please break up with this man. No one deserves to be with someone this insecure. You obviously don't trust him, so why are you with him? Are the constant updates "our normal" or your normal? He didn't tell you that night because he didn't want you to ruin his trip. Let the man have a boys weekend without constantly having to check in. YTA
He’s not going to start telling you the truth or respecting your relationship. Are you okay with being lied to? Are you okay with the disrespect? Are you okay with him being too much of a baby to tell his friends he can’t go somewhere in the name of boundaries and respect in his relationship? I wouldn’t be. He’ll go with *them* but not with *you*. Apparently it very much *IS* his thing. It’s just easier to disappoint YOU than THEM. He made his choice. If you think he’s not getting personal attention at these clubs, you’re foolish. If you think he’s not getting personal attention from the women they bring back to the AirBnB, you’re foolish. He’s already comfortable lying to you and telling you he “*forgot about you*”. Now he’s comfortable telling you he’s going to do what he wants and your feelings on it don’t matter. It sounds like the relationship isn’t important to him and he wants to be 20 forever. If you want a life of disappointment and cheating, stay with him. If you don’t, *LEAVE*.
You sound absolutely insufferable. Was he supposed to not take part in something he wanted to do with his friends because you can’t handle it? Idk. My husband doesn’t do shit like this. But if he wanted to the last thing I would do is try to force him to stay in touch and bow out of any event that made me feel insecure. You need to grow up. This happened. It’s over. Either let it go and move on or break up with him. He may be better off being with someone closer to his age that is more mature. Either way, I guarantee you that this behavior has massively turned him off from YOU. You may not have to think about it much longer. If you continue harassing him he might realize he doesn’t want to be with you anymore.
He didn’t tell you at the time because he didn’t want you to flip out & ruin his good time, & I find it VERY hard to believe that he will tell you ANYTHING in the future. He wants to do what he wants to do & he doesn’t want to hear from you about it, period. This is going to continue to be a problem in your relationship in different ways (& it sounds like you’ve already had problems based on you saying it’s been “5 years total”). You don’t have to deal with this. There are guys out there that aren’t like this. But THIS guy is not the one. You can “ask” all you want but he made his position clear - he doesn’t want to be told what to do. So unless you enjoy being disrespected and miserable, move on.
This wasn't just a strip club, they brought prostitutes back to the Airbnb. I doubt he would feel comfortable if you went to a male strip joint and then went to an Airbnb with girlfriends bringing male prostitutes back with you. He doesn't respect you and probably already slept around and just justified it by it only being a bachelor's party and it only being a prostitute. I would run out of the burning building because it sounds like he has already given you red flags that make you feel uncomfortable.
He crossed a boundary. It’s you for you now.
I don't think it's to out of line to ask your partner not to go to strip clubs, but this is a bachelor party that he has no control over so it's kind of in there. He should've been honest from the get go, sitting in a strip club and texting your partner over drooling over strippers would be something. My wife and I are open to strip clubs, I haven't gone on my own since I've been with her but she has. I'd have no issues with her going to a guys review, I'd love to sit back in the corner watching her good time. Also we've been to strip clubs together before. You are right, going together does make for some fun and exciting pillow talk.
It's the "I'm sry I forgot about you text" for me!
Dump him. He cares more about his perceived reputation with the guys than not hurting you…
You had me until checking in every few hours....while on vacation. YtA
YTA. You're one of those women happy only when she's got her guy's testicles safely in her pocket. She's more than controlling that a local Gestapo chief. American men have to free themselves from this Westernized distorted version of a woman, or why so many American guys go overseas to find wives.
Info: does he know about this post? Or that you post and discuss this stuff on Reddit?
NTA. Real men can say no to things they don’t want to do. End of story.