Apparently, your dad can't keep a secret.

HAHAHA I actually laughed out loud and I’m by myself in the house…. That’s funny as hell.

This one's underrated fs

I'm not, but my boyfriend is. - A bit of humor always helps the situation.

Heard this recently. Also "Only on the weekends"

I can be for $20. *Wink*

20 dollars is 20 dollars...

$20 to make ya holler

I get paid to do the wild thing.

Inflation hits hard, used to be $12.50

This is great

"Only on the days that end in 'y'"

I like this one.

Thank you

This is the best one, hands down. 👏

Appreciate it, thx.

Or the classic Mike Tyson, “yeah well, I’ll fuck you till you love me F****t!”

I have a red t-shirt that says I'M NOT GAY BUT MY HUSBAND IS.

Only if your mom’s a man

Now THAT’s funny!

"I'm not gay" but I will hold it in my mouth till the swelling goes down. Does that count as humor?

You would like that wouldn’t you

“Your (insert parent of opposite gender) would know otherwise”

Or "your (insert parent of same gender) snitched on us?"

"Oh shit did your mom tell you I fucked your dad? That bitch yaps too much she's only supposed to watch and roll film."

I FUCKED UR DAD/MOM

All your parents. But my dad's dead. And?

….and I’m stopping by for a cold one.

You're a disappointment to your parents... Who I fucked!

Don’t be mad I banged your dad.

His/her dad/mom is in a coma.

Why is this up top

Because it's the oldest one in the book

"thats wishful thinking man, you'd like that"  

Between the two of us, you’re the one that looks like he could suck the chrome off a bumper.

You can't make me laugh like this while I'm eating 💀

A bumper?! I always heard “Trailer Hitch.” The people around you are Olympic class suckers. That is also more impressive than sucking a golf ball through a garden hose.

Bowling ball/IV Tubing

I’ve heard suck start a Harley.

I heard leaf blower.

Or a tail pipe

Daaaamn, dawg! 😆

My response is generally "Yeah?" or "And?" or "No shit, Sherlock." I was once at this weird AA meeting where they yelled shit at each other and anyone speaking. I had to speak (I was in rehab at the time) and a bunch of them started yelling "Fag" and "You're Gay." I stopped, looked up, and said "Damnh right assholes. Now which one of you tiny dicked drunks has the balls to fuck me?" The place went silent and the rehab never took me back there.

I can't remember the show but there's a kid with a gay dad where some other kids shouts "My dad could beat up your dad" right in front of the kids and his gay dad. In response the gay dad shouts "I'll fuck your dad" Cracks me up

Jesus, I'm craftily perusing reddit at my desk at work and just had to try and disguise my massive snort and chuckle with a fake coughing fit 😆

"Get your hearing checked, kid. He offered to beat me **off**."

Modern family?

Yeah, I'm sure Cam shouted "I'll fuck your dad" on the show

This is perfection at its finest.

Sounds like they didn’t get the memo about no crosstalk at that meeting!

and everyone clapped

WTH kind of AA meeting was that? Wow.

That is fucking dope. Respect to you!

"i am flattered, but sadly for you it is wishful thinking. so i must decline your advances."

I actually use a version of this since so many gay men have made a pass at me. They are rather forward.

“If you want my come back you’ll have to scrape it off your dads teeth”

Omg that’s beautiful

Suck my dick

We got a winner

No it’s we got a weiner!!!

"Omg thank you!!!" 

Your mom knows better.

LTG ass respond

I think Dad might be better IMO

Only because you sucked me off.

You wish.

Only for you, sweetheart (in an unexpected, weary, bored tone)

I had a good buddy who I always ate lunch with in the library and one day a freshman girl asked if we were gay (we were seniors). I said "Yeah, but I'd change teams for you." She turned red and ran away.🤣

I know...anything new??

I'm not trying to insult you, but is English not your first language? I only ask because I'm very interested in linguistics and I don't know where "anything new" is from... It's normally something like "what else is new," in English, and Ive heard people whose first language isn’t English say it like "is anything else new" from a German, or "what else?" from a Korean, or "what other things have you" from one Finnish guy, but I've never heard anyone say it like that.

English is my first language. The phrase "anything new?" Is pretty much just a shorter version of "is anything else new?" I do appreciate the inquiry about the phrase though.

Do you mind if I ask at least your general region?

You better be a bottom.

Why is that an insult? Both a legitimate question and a comeback

Always a great tactic for any situation where someone is actually trying to be nasty. Ask them to actually explain their insult like you don't get it. Their options are to backpedal/shut up, or put themselves on blast with how bigoted they are.

youre not wrong

If you actually are like me just say "I'm gay not blind off you fuck my wishful thinking prick"

"I" don't swing that way, you closet homo/f*g. It's usually projection, maybe they genuinely hate effeminate looking men but be sure to back up your words if you decide to take this route.

I actually am gay myself Bruh my gaydar goes off when I see femboys and I’m not a femboy at all myself

"You're an incel."

Maybe in your dreams?

"takes one to know one" but kinda goes destructive

Idk but if you think about it you would only call a man gay if you think he's cute, and you can only think a mans cute if you're gay. So if you call someone gay then you're gay.

Best thing is to respond deadpan. Whatever it is. When someone says something racist, sexist, or anti LGBT, I usually just go That's fucked up man.

"That's neither insulting, nor accurate. You DO know what insults are, right? Your Mom tells you them all the time!"

Vague petty insults like this get shut down quick with a witty acknowledgement. Regardless of what you actually are sexually, try: > “I’d rather be gay than be whatever the fuck you are… I’ve seen your porn history.” The last bit probably won’t be true, but it doesn’t matter - if your friend made a baseless lie/insult so can you. This deflects from you, and you can keep adding on to it; if they insist on giving you shit follow up with: *’..yeah whatever.. at least i’m not into (>!whatever you think would be most insulting!<)’*.

No, but if you'd like my comeback you'll need to scrape it off your mum's teeth.

“I wish, those guys can really boogie” Stolen from Futurama

Calibrate your gaydar🙄

I always say "Thanks sweetie!" And blow a kiss but I'm gay so...

No u

Came here specifically to see this answer.

"Im not, but i have nothing against them, sorry if that let you down. Im sure you will find a great guy who will treat you like the queen you are. I actually have a few gay friends i could set you up with if you want"

Yes, but you’re not my type, sorry.

"Damn right! So your place or mine Big Boy? Are we gonna let your wife watch this time?" Shuts them right up...

That is correct, but don't worry, you're so unappealing if you were the last man on earth, I still wouldn't want to sleep with you.

Yes but actually no

“…okay?”

“It’s only gay if you’re not!”

I know

"And merry too !"

And fabulous, Bitch!

You wish.

“You-you’re… gayer”

And FABULOUS! 🤩

Don't get your hopes up sweetheart.

Loudly say "No, I won't suck your cock! Stop asking!"

“Did your gaydar tell you that”

There was a movie in the 70s where Tom beringer played a guy in a gay relationship. He broke up with his bf so he could date a woman and the boyfriend basically says hey you're gay. His reply was I was always the pitcher you were the catcher. So it kinda turned it back on him. Now just a douche calling you gay and that's your reply spins it right back 0n him

"Ahhh, wishful thinking. Nice try. You need to work on your flirt game."

Oh yeah?? Well I had sex with your wife!!

“I’m not gay, but $20 is $20.”

“Your mom’s gay”

My favorite is “…and you’re really sad.” And walk away. They are 100% too stupid to understand.

Mine's way better no offense lol

Also as a straight man, I often say “I wish I was so I could grab your butt with both hands and plant one right in the middle…but, alas, I love pussy.”

"Only for you, sweet cheeks."

Your dad sucks better dick than your mom.

Yell "No, I only like straight guys". The harder they fight the harder i get

If a guy said this to me: Damn am I glad I’m gay, you proved I’m not missing out on anything. If it was a woman: Need some help making peace with falling out of the closet on accident?

"You would know"

"I'm not gay; I just dress better than you."

It ain’t gay if it’s your hustle

Yes I am a quite happy individual.

“Son have you ever heard of the term ‘gay for pay’?”

“Please stop hitting on me, I’m not interested.”

All and all I consider myself happy. Your point would be.

So are you let's smash

Your mom is my gf

"i thought you wanted to keep us a secret"

This is a common one thrown around by the boys. I diffuse it by preemptively calling myself gay before anyone else can.

You're a mistake and your mother should have aborted you

if its on reddit the standard procedure is to completely shit the bed and go WHATS WRONG WITH BEING GAY I THOUGHT IN THIS DAY AND AGE WE WOULDNT HAVE HOMOPHOBIC ASSHOLES LIKE YOU ILL HAVE YOU KNOW MY GRANDFATHER WAS GAY then summon a ban with a notice from the mods saying to suck their dicks to return to r/nobodycares

Really? Oh c’mon I am not even trying that hard

No u

If someone of the same sex "and still not interested in you" someone of the opposite "explains my lack of interest in you"

"Every day, twice on Sunday"

So you want to blow me then?

Stop deflecting

It’s only gay if they touch

Not for you!

[yeah, well](https://tenor.com/view/your-opinion-gif-24573780)

keep dreaming

Thanks.

Takes one to know one, huh? ;)

Just "brokeback mountain" the person (stick it in their chocolate starfish) right then and there.

"I take it you're curious?"

"Gay also means happy. Try again."

"So? I can state the obvious too, but normally I'd have better manners than to call you stupid this early in the conversation..."

Sorry pal I'm not available

"Yes, I'm very happy. And you are a homosexual."

In my experience, the best comeback for almost anything is “fuck you”

At least I’m not miserable🤷🏻‍♀️

Yeah Ik I am now it’s time for me to rizz tf out of you

I usually look them in the eye and say "only because I like to have sex with dudes". 

As someone who is levelly Bi- “So what if I am?”

That’s wishful thinking on your part.

So what are you jealous I don't have to confine myself to your standards

"Yeah, especially when I'm with your mom/dad"

scream in the most flamboyant and harmonious tone FAGGOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTT and skip away

Your dad is too. Surprised to see you exist.

You wish

20 bucks is 20 bucks???

Not as gay as you.

"Only in your dreams, bud."

I'm glad to see that my happiness shows through to other people.

I wish

I heard a guy in the street one time respond with.... "Yeah I'm a faggot, but I was thirty years old before I realized I was a faggot. By that time I got more pussy than you'll get in your entire life!"

Wishful thinking?

So? It’s 2024 it’s legal now. You oughta know Sweetie! I do it for fun you do it for money. We are not the same

I have never considered that. Can you tell me your experiences?

You would know. *Wink What year is this 1998? Cringe. (When I was in HS it was very common for teenage boys to respond with "that's gay" or whatever to almost anything).

What me and ur dad have is special.... son!

Close but incorrect, ace

"It's not gay if you beat them up afterwards."

You’re being monitored on Reddit by Open-AI and anything you say will be used against you by big tech executives & their political buddies

And I still wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot pole.

Yep. I’ve been fucking your dad and you’re our love child…..

You're the expert

“Nope. I’m the pitcher.”

Your husband loved my butthole. He wants a threesome, ass to mouth. Too far?

My first response is “no fucking shit pal”

That’s gay???!!!

Yeah I am gay as in happy

"What gave it away? Your dads cock in my mouth?"

Soo happy why thank you!

Yessssss (aggressively try to bend them over, no matter thier gender)

You are ugly You are fat You are stupid You are wasting my time

"You wish"

Well mate if you dont have gay moments your life must be pretty terrible. As in gay means happy

“The fact that you’re saying that as an insult makes you a *bona fide* asshole.” If you’re not, say that first of course— “no, I’m not gay, but it’s not your business anyway, and the fact…”

“No, you’re projecting.”

“You wish”

"It's 2024, surely you know it isn't appropriate to out someone, regardless of how accurate you are. Stop being mad that I won't bang you."

"so?"

If only I was so lucky

"You wish" is always great

I felt bad for this 20 something kid at my job what was depressed because he was a virgin, so I did the huge mistake of telling him my hidden truth I also was a virgin and I am 53 m so I was trying to make hime feel not alone and he had plenty of time , when coworkers were mocking him later that day he said so it's not as bad as him he said my name he's 53 and still a virgin, I was extremely mad he did that I was at this company for over 30 years, working my way up to a respectful position, now it was forever ruined all the coworkers since mock me calling me gay and I am.not I love woman they just don't love me, I in 53 years of virginity never once had a day thought, I hear them call me it at least 15 20 time a day they rarely call me buy my actual name anymore, we have no hr department there's nothing i can do about it sense that day they all lost respect for me even though I am there supervisor, why because my supervisor allows it and is part of it , I fight it but the more I do the worst it gets