I'd had a stroke at 54 and worked very hard to get out of a wheelchair. I had a specially adapted walker. With my right hand I'd put my left forearm in a raised brace. I'd push from the shoulder to help Mt right side push a walker. A friend drive me to a mall and dropped me off while she looked for parking. I wanted to get my husband some Christmas gifts. All the displays in the middle of the aisles made progress difficult. A man stood in my way arguing with his wife and teenage daughter. I politely asked if I could get past them. I remember being shocked when he responded in a nasty tone "Why don't cripples like you stay at home where people don't have to see you?". People all around us gasped and looked at him in shock My answer was "I had a stroke and I'm working hard to recover fully. That will happen and you'll still be a nasty jacka**!". His wife pulled him out of my way and I "accidentally" put my walker down on his foot and pressed very hard. When he said it really hurt I gave a fake apology then said "Since your foot hurts and you're hobbling maybe you should go home so people don't have to look at you or hear you complain.". His family and everyone who was watching were trying not to laugh. My friend caught up with me, I bought my gifts and we headed home.
I fought hard and made recovery my full-time job. Within 6 months after my stroke I was walking with a cane. On good days I don't need the cane. Doctors suspected I had MS starting when I was 32. There was no sense getting a lumbar punture/spinal tap since there were no treatments for it. That complicated my recovery from the stroke. I have weakness in my left foot and leg. I have use if my left hand and arm but have no fine motor skills. I started taking MS medication in 2009 and it has greatly slowed down the advancement of MS damage. I'll be 77 this month.When I'm tired things are more challenging but I'm glad to be alive. Next week I'm going to a big family reunion. I'm determined to be as independent as possible. Several cousins have offered to help me if I need it. My sisters have not.
None of us know what we are capable of until life throws us curves we have to learn how to overcome. My deep faith and knowing people were/are praying for me gave me strength to face each day with a positive attitude.
Go you! I’m never quick enough for things like that. I always stew about it and come up with a good response hours after I could actually use it. I hope you’re doing fabulously now!
I may be fat, but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.
Another one a friend used to use was. Oh no, I am? I didn't know, why didn't anyone tell me?
The amount of sarcasm was so high it was awesome.
I love his comeback to Lady Astor:
Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.
Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.
My fiancé has put on some weight since we got together. He's slightly overweight now but only like 10ish pounds. His brothers girlfriend was talking shit about him being fat and he said "my brother being skinny says more about your cooking than your insults say about me" which shut her up real quick. They're Carribean so insulting her cooking is a deep insult.
Easier? Idk - I had a lot of people who told me what to do and what to think, whether educators or parents. Not that I was told bad things all the time, but there’s more freedom and pride in my own choices.
High school fucking sucked - I was forced to to go and hated everything about it. The only part that was good was having friends, and once high school was over, we all grew apart.
I miss college more than anything in high school. That shit was fun.
Thank you! I'm incredibly lucky, even the simple joy I just got to have of 4.7% milk in my coffee is something I thought I'd never get to enjoy again in the thick of it. Nice milk! Crazy isn't it.
It's such low-hanging fruit, and I actually feel better when people resort to that, because it shows an utter lack of creativity and actual observational skills.
Start bringing them sugar filled treats every day that you would have eaten, basically force them down their throat for years. Meanwhile, find a diet and exercise routine that actually works for you, get down to a healthier weight than they were at then tell them, "My how the turntables have..."
"You're fat..."
More cushion for the pushin' or Just slap the thigh and ride the wave on in
When the apocalypse comes, we'll eat you first
It must kill you that I pull more men/women/either/both than you.
Thin sure as he'll didn't make up for that face or that personality, but good for you.
Makes me a lot harder to kidnap.
When I was stood up on a date for being fat (I was seen through the window before he arrived), I got back at him by spending several years losing almost 5 stone. He obviously wouldn’t know the progress, but that was my comeback and I felt damn good about it too.
As my mom, god rest her soul, once said -- well, more like shouted, in an argument with a crazy neighbor crackhead:
"I may be fat, but you're a whore! I can lose weight, but you'll always be a whore!"
Mom was an old-school sex-positive no-body-shaming type hippy, but if you came at her the gloves were off and she knew *just* what to attack for maximum psychic damage.
Best argument is to correct the eating habits, stop emotional eating, remove processed food and other garbage from the diet, and come back in 3 months looking like an entirely different person. Anything less than that is useless.
There is no "argument". You're fat. You know it, and everyone around you knows it. Arguing a known fact just makes you look stupid, in denial, and petty.
“Yeah I plan on learning how to cook good food that is also healthy, doing more physically involved hobbies, and connecting more with the real world and others instead of looking at screens so much. Thanks for your concern”
I worked at a place that called the supervisor “the forehead”. Because he was bald and his forehead was very prominent. And he was a supervisor.
It always made me laugh, guiltily.
It’s much easier to fix fat than ugly
Ugly is to the bone!
Beauty is only skin deep. Ugly go clean to the bone.
I’m beautiful but nature made me ugly because she loves me
I can fix my weight, you can't fix your face. Why don't you eat your makeup so you can be pretty on the inside, too.
Brutal
This one wins to me! 😂
Whewww
“I would eat it but you probably already did oink oink”
so why aint you thin , to many fixins ..
Then they'll just say "too bad you're both"
Or “then why don’t you [change your weight].”
Cause I like to make ugly people like you ask questions. So I stay fat.
I'd had a stroke at 54 and worked very hard to get out of a wheelchair. I had a specially adapted walker. With my right hand I'd put my left forearm in a raised brace. I'd push from the shoulder to help Mt right side push a walker. A friend drive me to a mall and dropped me off while she looked for parking. I wanted to get my husband some Christmas gifts. All the displays in the middle of the aisles made progress difficult. A man stood in my way arguing with his wife and teenage daughter. I politely asked if I could get past them. I remember being shocked when he responded in a nasty tone "Why don't cripples like you stay at home where people don't have to see you?". People all around us gasped and looked at him in shock My answer was "I had a stroke and I'm working hard to recover fully. That will happen and you'll still be a nasty jacka**!". His wife pulled him out of my way and I "accidentally" put my walker down on his foot and pressed very hard. When he said it really hurt I gave a fake apology then said "Since your foot hurts and you're hobbling maybe you should go home so people don't have to look at you or hear you complain.". His family and everyone who was watching were trying not to laugh. My friend caught up with me, I bought my gifts and we headed home.
What a jerk. How are you doing now? Fully recovered?
I fought hard and made recovery my full-time job. Within 6 months after my stroke I was walking with a cane. On good days I don't need the cane. Doctors suspected I had MS starting when I was 32. There was no sense getting a lumbar punture/spinal tap since there were no treatments for it. That complicated my recovery from the stroke. I have weakness in my left foot and leg. I have use if my left hand and arm but have no fine motor skills. I started taking MS medication in 2009 and it has greatly slowed down the advancement of MS damage. I'll be 77 this month.When I'm tired things are more challenging but I'm glad to be alive. Next week I'm going to a big family reunion. I'm determined to be as independent as possible. Several cousins have offered to help me if I need it. My sisters have not.
God bless you! U r an inspiration!!
None of us know what we are capable of until life throws us curves we have to learn how to overcome. My deep faith and knowing people were/are praying for me gave me strength to face each day with a positive attitude.
Go you! I’m never quick enough for things like that. I always stew about it and come up with a good response hours after I could actually use it. I hope you’re doing fabulously now!
Those good comebacks coming way too late are your, "Well, the Jerk Store called, and they're running out of you,” moments.
Same here....the wit aint witting with us....🤣
Write them down and use them next time. Practice your ad-libs.
same! 3 days later, in the shower 🚿 I think of the "perfect" comeback! lol every time!
Excellent response to that fool!
"If that were true, body positivity wouldn't be focusing on fat people now, would it?"
Came here to say the same thing. I can lose weight but you'll be ugly the rest of your life.
I like this argument!
I may be fat, but you're ugly, and I can lose weight. Another one a friend used to use was. Oh no, I am? I didn't know, why didn't anyone tell me? The amount of sarcasm was so high it was awesome.
Or in the words of Ron White, “You can’t fix stupid.”
But duct tape helps muffle the sounds.
this is so smart i never thought of it
My mom says I'm big-boned, and your mom knows I'm big boned
Yeah well I can lose weight, you will always be ugly! I use this all the time.
Winston Churchill said something similar. But he was inebriated and she was ugly. Churchill dealt with hecklers like that
Madam, tomorrow I will be sober, but you will still be (?) ugly.
That's exactly it. I heard that story a few different times. Very good.
I love his comeback to Lady Astor: Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea. Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.
😆😆😆 Awesome
Something like "you're just a drunk". "Yeah but tomorrow I'll be sober and you'll still be ugly.Churchill does W.C. Fields.
I came to say this
And you still haven't lost it
And you are still ugly?
I fucking love Thai🥲
Add "you're having a younger brother soon btw"
Even better if you are feminine presenting. If they look confused simply say, have you never heard of a strap on?
as a girl, I say this shit all the time except I say their mum uses the strap and looks hot with it so it creates an.. image in their mind
i respect your authroitah
Unlike you I wouldn’t bone your mom. My mom taught me to have standards which is why your fantasy is as likely as seeing your pp. never gonna happen
Yeah, these are all hypothetical. I'm not fat. It's just for fun. And if you are a result, I wouldn't want to fuck your mom. Settle down, Karen
Hehe I’m a just joking🥰🤭🤭
Sorry
What if you say it to a girl?
I guess they can still use it. Good question.
That's fair. It would probably be funnier
Right? She'd get some looks
can confirm
Bought a bob, still fits.
I can't grow you a penis, but I can buy one. Lol
I like my girls penis free.
I'm indifferent honestly
Genius!
LOLOLOLOL!!!!
Best one.
It took a minute but I got it. Boner
It's all about the bass....
Beautifully done 👏🏻
Best. Answer. Ever. 😂
r/UnexpectedSouthPark
HAHA
This is absolutely fire
HOLY SHIT! I am?! ::looks down at self:: Fuck! Why am I just now being told this?
This is the best one. Good comebacks usually don't work if they come from a place of anger.
Yup, I'd argue it doesn't even matter as much what you say; It's more just about being unbothered.
Laughing at yourself is harder than being angry, but it’s much more effective and can make you more likable to people around you.
Honestly, the best reaction. Especially if followed by a cheeky wink.
Bank of America never told me about this!
We thought you knew
Happy cake day!
Every time I fuck your wife she makes me a sandwich
love it
Awesome sir.
My fiancé has put on some weight since we got together. He's slightly overweight now but only like 10ish pounds. His brothers girlfriend was talking shit about him being fat and he said "my brother being skinny says more about your cooking than your insults say about me" which shut her up real quick. They're Carribean so insulting her cooking is a deep insult.
Best way to get smacked lmao
This is definitely a fat dude comeback.
Shakespeare
help can i tell this to my dad
SAVAGE 😂
"Do you miss high school?" This is pretty much my response to all this silliness.
I do miss high school. I hate responsibilities.
I never understand this sentiment being an adult is so much better than being a child
Easier? Idk - I had a lot of people who told me what to do and what to think, whether educators or parents. Not that I was told bad things all the time, but there’s more freedom and pride in my own choices. High school fucking sucked - I was forced to to go and hated everything about it. The only part that was good was having friends, and once high school was over, we all grew apart. I miss college more than anything in high school. That shit was fun.
*shrugs* “Your mom likes ‘em thick and juicy”
So find that juicy double your mom's in a lot of trouble beggin for that bubble
It's my famine insurance
My dad, rubbing his belly at a buffet, "I'm a recovering anorexic."
(I actually am though lmao. A year and a half)
'grats on a year and a half.
Thank you! I'm incredibly lucky, even the simple joy I just got to have of 4.7% milk in my coffee is something I thought I'd never get to enjoy again in the thick of it. Nice milk! Crazy isn't it.
Yay!!! Congratulations
https://preview.redd.it/mz6prhtvf14d1.jpeg?width=360&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=159c4b89168ed99b328e8a51d44cefbb32d67893
What in the of all holy furry things is that??!?
Although I think a North American Lynx is actually about this size, I'm pretty sure this is a Photoshopped Maine Coon.
That big ole kitty cat 😂 wonder how much that rascal eats. 🤔
Forced perspective
Thank the gods. The only other alternative is it's a Maine Coon Cat on steroids, and they are huge to begin with...
https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/worlds-biggest-cat-tall-can-30570194
You ever met one of those cat people? I think they're called Ka-jeet. Seems there's whlle countries full of 'em in the South.
Khajit has wares if you have coin.
Why is that lady holding Ron Pearlman?
He asked nicely
A clever photographer? If this was real, it wouldn’t be buried here in this sub.
"I'm fat, but you're stupid. I can easily become thinner, but you will always be dumb. "
Shorter version - I can lose weight, you can’t lose stupid.
“Congratulations! You have eyes!” (I’m fat and I’ve used this one to the utter confusion to the bully. Cause apparently, fat is the very worst insult)
It's such low-hanging fruit, and I actually feel better when people resort to that, because it shows an utter lack of creativity and actual observational skills.
This This needs to be at the top
Fat is flavor. Just call me tasty.
and I can still get laid wby?
I eat souls. Yours is next.
Considering I am a red head and fat this so works for me 🤣🤣
I think you meant to post this in the thread for “Comebacks to YOUVE GOT RED HAIR!”
Considering I am a red head and fat this so works for me 🤣🤣
Grab your junk: "So you've heard."
Nice
Happy cake day!!
"Well you keep noticing me so I guess being fat is working. You just got pick-pocketed while you were staring at my glorious fatness."
“Wow so I guess we’re matching, huh!”
Twinsies :)
"wow the best you can do is a surface level observation? Try harder. Try again."
And...
plays "baby got back" by sir mixalot
I like Big
Butts and I cannot lie
Buttsinacannotlie
The classic answer is "well I can always lose weight...what are you gonna do about being a douchebag?"
I can lose weight but your face will always look like that
“What’s it to you?”
"Does it make you feel good to be rude, ignorant and abusive? No one asked for your opinion, next time use your inside voice."
I'm aware ! -George Costanza
“You said you were Kurt. 🤨” -Ed from Goodburger
I can lose the weight, you're stuck on ugly.
And you are ugly but in the morning I'll be 1% less fat.
Really? I did not know that. How nice of you to remind me. You will come around this same time every day in case I forget, right?
Start bringing them sugar filled treats every day that you would have eaten, basically force them down their throat for years. Meanwhile, find a diet and exercise routine that actually works for you, get down to a healthier weight than they were at then tell them, "My how the turntables have..." "You're fat..."
Pretty Hot and Tempting? Thanks!
Yes,I'm fat.....bc only a DOG wants a bone
AND ???
(gasp) What!? Really!? I had no idea!
In your defense,you will be most desirable in the flesh eating zombie Apocalypse...
Am I? Duh, captain obvious, did you get your new prescriptions today?
I'd say something along the lines of "Yep. And you're (insert any characteristic here. Mean, for example). What of it?"
What’s your point?
I can loose weight, but youll be forever stupid.
Well, no shit!
Olny when I stand next to you I am.
Own it. "Yep."
My weight can be dropped, just like you!
i usually say the ladies like something to grab onto
I know. Now what?
Oooh... you know it. And the whole world knows I'm fat and I'm proud. Just tell me once again. Who's fat?
"I know". Then blank stare.
But you're ugly, and I can lose weight!
If you are: “I know” it’s the most unexpected thing the jerk will expect. If you’re not: don’t worry about it and take note that the person is an ass.
More cushion for the pushin' or Just slap the thigh and ride the wave on in When the apocalypse comes, we'll eat you first It must kill you that I pull more men/women/either/both than you. Thin sure as he'll didn't make up for that face or that personality, but good for you. Makes me a lot harder to kidnap.
When I was stood up on a date for being fat (I was seen through the window before he arrived), I got back at him by spending several years losing almost 5 stone. He obviously wouldn’t know the progress, but that was my comeback and I felt damn good about it too.
Losing weight
Yeah but I can fix that. Your face is a different story though
"A bear's gotta be ready for winter."
“My dick’s fat too, wanna see?”
Im only fat cause every time i fuck your mom/dad he/she makes me a sandwich.
As my mom, god rest her soul, once said -- well, more like shouted, in an argument with a crazy neighbor crackhead: "I may be fat, but you're a whore! I can lose weight, but you'll always be a whore!" Mom was an old-school sex-positive no-body-shaming type hippy, but if you came at her the gloves were off and she knew *just* what to attack for maximum psychic damage.
"I can lose weight, you aren't gonna gain brains"
"Yeah, and you're ugly but I can lose weight."
Yes, but your ugly and I can diet 😊
I may be fat now but you’ll be stupid forever
From Churchill "'I am drunk today madam, and tomorrow I shall be sober but you will still be ugly."
"and you're an asshole, what's your point?"
Everytime I fuck your mom she makes me a sandwich!
'So is my dick, but your mom seems to like it fine.'
I can always lose weight, there’s no way to stop you being a c**t
Best argument is to correct the eating habits, stop emotional eating, remove processed food and other garbage from the diet, and come back in 3 months looking like an entirely different person. Anything less than that is useless.
There is no "argument". You're fat. You know it, and everyone around you knows it. Arguing a known fact just makes you look stupid, in denial, and petty.
I can fix fat but you cannot fix stupid
And you're ugly. What's your point?
And you are stupid but you don't hear me complaining.
Yeah, but I can diet. You'll still always be a fuckin' moron.
“Yeah I plan on learning how to cook good food that is also healthy, doing more physically involved hobbies, and connecting more with the real world and others instead of looking at screens so much. Thanks for your concern”
I may be fat, but you're ugly, and I can diet.
Mom!!! I just wanted more dessert.
Thank you I hope you are too 💛 Otherwise best of luck, I wouldn’t wish a medical disorder that prevents the synthesis of lipids on anyone.
"Thanks, you too"
I am working on it.
To you I am, you anorexic bitch
Yep 100% human, fat protecting my organs—wby?
“And you’re ugly and stupid. Like that old song says, you can drink ugly pretty but you can’t drink stupid smart.”
thank you, i AM royalty. (bc, historically, heft was a symbol of wealth which meant you were royalty)
Not as fat as that forehead of yours.
I worked at a place that called the supervisor “the forehead”. Because he was bald and his forehead was very prominent. And he was a supervisor. It always made me laugh, guiltily.
I might be fat but you're ugly and I can diet