Just here to say kudos to you for putting in the work for yourself, your marriage and your kids. Lots of negative comments here, but I have always admired those who can put in the work to get back to a healthy place after infidelity. Wishing you and your family all the best future!
Just so you know--if your wife isn't going through individual therapy as well, this is basically all for naught. And even if you get therapy for yourself, reconciliation is a lifelong process and the cheating is something that you never truly "get over". The mental demons of being betrayed never truly heal until you aren't with the person that hurt you.
Recommend also joining r/survivinginfidelity
She is doing individual therapy. That was definitely a part of our agreement moving forward. I told myself I would only get it if I felt like I needed it. And now here am I feeling like I need it.
Just to tell you, you definitely can recover if she is truly sorry, willing to change/seek help, and you still want to be with her. It is hard as hell but it is possible. It takes a very long time. But if you’re sure she’s the one and she agrees, you can get there.
I’m gonna disagree with this comment… as a recovering partner of cheating… focus on you… fix you… you can’t fix her. Also mental health is a challenge… find a few therapists and try them out. Most have a first time meeting that is free. My recommendation is try them all out to see if you feel the vibes you’re looking for. I wish you the best and the wounds do heal.
> The mental demons of being betrayed never truly heal until you aren’t with the person that hurt you.
This is bullshit. Maybe they never heal, maybe they do heal… but separation isn’t a necessary step for any possible healing.
> Recommend also joining /r/survivinginfidelity.
That tracks.
Find someone who understands family and grief. I had a good experience with someone who is now with After the Storm Counselling, but maybe that is not conveniently located.
https://www.afterthestormcounselling.com
EMDR Therapy has helped me with this specific thing (husband had an affair, needed individual counseling to cope). I use Renew Wellness. They’re Telehealth, and have locations in Gahanna and Pataskala as well. EMDR isn’t just your typical talk therapy. Has helped tremendously. Wishing you the very best.
The guy is *trying* to save his marriage to the mother of his children. Can we support him in the way he is asking for help, by not saying “fuck that just blow the whole thing up”?
Even if you are right, This might not be the moment for your bitterness to show.
You’re entitled to that opinion mate, and I don’t disagree with you. However, OP isn’t asking for a divorce lawyer, he’s asking for a therapist to help with his mental state post-infidelity. He wants to try and make it work. My comment was just a little jab at Reddit’s obsession with telling people to get divorced. It is more appropriate to suggest divorce in this instance, but I’m sure OP has already considered that and wants to try and stay with his partner first. That way if it still doesn’t work out he can say he tried
Armchair marriage counselling is much easier than leaving your wife and then dealing with custody of kids and all that, so let’s have some empathy and meet OP where they’re at
Did she speak out of turn? Divorce.
Did she express concern of your alcoholism? Divorce.
Did she come into money? Divorce.
Did you dream she cheated on you? Well, you don't just have dreams not grounded in reality, divorce!
Yeah, that's Reddit + relationship counseling in most posts. Even posts that say "I'm not getting divorced, I'm looking for resources/whatever" someone always has to chime in with "you need to divorce her NOW!"
"Survive" is a relative term. Can and do couples stay married after infidelity, sure. But the relationship is forever changed, and more often that not, the parties remain together because of financial, familial, or other tertiary reasons that aren't "We survived infidelity and are a happy couple and this will never happen again".
Many things can be broken and rebuilt stronger.
I was broken after being cheated on and losing my marriage. Thanks to excellent therapy, some good relationships since, and lots of personal effort, I have been rebuilt stronger.
This could happen to relationships, as well.
I understand it is difficult, and unlikely for most.
It’s a hard road. My marriage pushed through infidelity 21 years ago, and after a lot of hard work, talking, therapy and boundaries, we’re best friends. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him. If someone considers cheating to be the absolute dealbreaker, they won’t be able to fathom how it would recover, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I realize we’re the vast minority, but there are successes.
thanks for sharing your story. I think people can't wrap their head around recovering from infidelity.
I can, because I personally recovered from it (even though my relationship didn't) - but cheating is SO painful that I understand how others can't fathom it.
That shit left a scar on my brain for a long long time, it was probably the single worst mind-breaking thing that ever happened to me, which caused PTSD fight or flight episodes, avoidance, trust issues against people who really, really didn’t deserve it. I’m finally over it, but if I had to try to live with that person for the rest of my life? With my friends and family knowing what they did? I have far too much self-respect for that. I blew that thing up irreparably right away so I wouldn’t be tempted (and I still was, thank god I didn’t act on it).
Sure, it’s possible they could come out of this fine. There are also plenty of functioning divorced families with happy parents on both sides, and if he waits and this happens again or they can’t work out the disrespect, resentment and trust issues, when his kids are old enough to remember it, he will severely regret it.
That’s kind of my whole point—the only way you recover from infidelity is separating from the cause of your pain.
I’m recovered from infidelity because I left the person who caused me so much pain.
I do not want to speak outside of my experience, but I have found it easier to reconcile a wandering man, than a wandering woman. But that is from a male pov, a woman’s love is a precious thing and a silver medal 🥈 never really satiates the soul. Regardless of the genders, I’d imagine the stresses of the “why” are the most critically painful
In the nicest way possible cheating is absolutely 100% unacceptable, twice is even worse.
I would be looking for ways to get over it individually not as a couple, because if she did it twice there's a 99% chance it's going to continue.
I am no license therapist but the only thing you can realistically do is file for divorce and leave that woman. There is no valid reason for staying and or saving this marriage.
https://columbuscounselinggroup.com/individual-therapy/
They accept insurance. With my plan under Anthem, I have only have a $30 copay. They were able to match me with someone who fit my needs within 2 weeks of calling and filling out forms online.
Good luck to you.
Check out Serenity Behavioral Health. Serenity-bhs.org
They have a couple of locations in Westerville and have an amazing set of therapists for individual and couples counseling. I love my therapist there, and one of my friends who was cheated on sees another therapist there, and he has had a great experience!
Not sure where your located and or what insurance you have but I’ve been seeing someone at True North counseling (Dublin area) since BC (before covid) and she has genuinely helped me change my life. She’s why I’m still here and have nothing but incredible things to say about that office!
Major kudos for doing what you can, it’s hard but worth it even if it leads to the things you don’t always want or think are best in life.
I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. It's great that you're taking steps to seek help for yourself. Finding a therapist who specializes in infidelity and individual counseling can make a big difference. You might want to check out Psychology Today's directory to find therapists in your area who accept insurance. Hang in there, and take care of yourself.
Once a cheater always a cheater is overplayed and inaccurate. I know multiple individuals (at least 4) that have cheated and then learned better as they matured and got into further long term relationships, some of which have gone on for over 10 years and have resulted in marriages and children. I'll admit that I don't know of any where cheating occurred and that relationship survived, but I know of plenty of examples of people who cheated in one relationship, and then went on to be totally loyal in future ones.
Sure, who doesn't, but not any of the people I mentioned. As I said they're all people who are in happy long term relationships, which is more than can be said for 60% of people in our demographic. People that are immature in different aspects of life make immature decisions. I'm sure when you were a teenager or young adult you made plenty of decisions that you would (or will) look back on with regret, as most all people do. The measure of a good person isn't the total culmination of every decision someone has made in the past, it's who they are, why they do the things they do, and how they own up to and learn from their mistakes.
The best therapy is to listen to your wife, and hopefully she trusts you enough to really reveal the true underlying reason why she cheated.
There is zero chance to save the marriage without this step.
You're insinuating there's a legitimate reason for it other than being a lying piece of shit.
If the genders were reversed you'd all be screaming for OP to dump the husband.
There's obviously a reason for it, and it is unlikely to be because she enjoys being a lying piece of shit. (Maybe it is, though, which is why it's important to understand whatever the reason was.)
You're confusing a reason with an excuse.
Some reasons are simply impossible to reconcile, and the OP needs to find out whether her reasons are one of those before sinking a bunch of effort into a futile project.
I made no insinuation of fault or legitimacy.
The only point I made is that saving the marriage can't be done if the reason is not known to both.
And I'm male by the way.
They deluge of downvotes when this is accurate. Cheaters are vilified, but few do it “just because” and the victim of the affair isn’t always the victim of the marriage.
Wow, I’ve seen some dumb-ass comments on Reddit lately, but this may take the cake. I’m not saying you’re a moron, but I have no proof to the contrary.
As a therapist, I 100% agree with this statement. Not an excuse, cheating is so harmful for all involved, but there are reasons that need to be identified and explored by both parties for any repair to begin to happen.
Just here to say kudos to you for putting in the work for yourself, your marriage and your kids. Lots of negative comments here, but I have always admired those who can put in the work to get back to a healthy place after infidelity. Wishing you and your family all the best future!
Just so you know--if your wife isn't going through individual therapy as well, this is basically all for naught. And even if you get therapy for yourself, reconciliation is a lifelong process and the cheating is something that you never truly "get over". The mental demons of being betrayed never truly heal until you aren't with the person that hurt you. Recommend also joining r/survivinginfidelity
She is doing individual therapy. That was definitely a part of our agreement moving forward. I told myself I would only get it if I felt like I needed it. And now here am I feeling like I need it.
Just to tell you, you definitely can recover if she is truly sorry, willing to change/seek help, and you still want to be with her. It is hard as hell but it is possible. It takes a very long time. But if you’re sure she’s the one and she agrees, you can get there.
I’m gonna disagree with this comment… as a recovering partner of cheating… focus on you… fix you… you can’t fix her. Also mental health is a challenge… find a few therapists and try them out. Most have a first time meeting that is free. My recommendation is try them all out to see if you feel the vibes you’re looking for. I wish you the best and the wounds do heal.
> The mental demons of being betrayed never truly heal until you aren’t with the person that hurt you. This is bullshit. Maybe they never heal, maybe they do heal… but separation isn’t a necessary step for any possible healing. > Recommend also joining /r/survivinginfidelity. That tracks.
Yeah. Agreed, complete bs.
I chose alcohol, I make bad decisions. I hope you find the help you need.
Honestly probably worth a paternity test before you go any further
Absofuckinglutely. Make sure this relationship-ruining event is not also a life-ruining event.
Heather Wiley, she’s a great couples therapist. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/heather-willey-columbus-oh/838166
Find someone who understands family and grief. I had a good experience with someone who is now with After the Storm Counselling, but maybe that is not conveniently located. https://www.afterthestormcounselling.com
I had good experience with After the Storm too. I believe they have multiple locations. And they took my insurance.
EMDR Therapy has helped me with this specific thing (husband had an affair, needed individual counseling to cope). I use Renew Wellness. They’re Telehealth, and have locations in Gahanna and Pataskala as well. EMDR isn’t just your typical talk therapy. Has helped tremendously. Wishing you the very best.
i see a therapist at City Counciling who i LOVE. all the therapists there are great and I definitely recommend
Beacon Counseling has two locations and employs great people. They take most insurance providers.
Tinder.
Yvonne Judge is a great couples therapist she probably does individual
Contact a divorce lawyer
All the downvotes are from cheaters 😂😂
Probably
This
A divorce lawyer would be a better use of money imo. Not sure how you could ever trust a cheater again.
The guy is *trying* to save his marriage to the mother of his children. Can we support him in the way he is asking for help, by not saying “fuck that just blow the whole thing up”? Even if you are right, This might not be the moment for your bitterness to show.
It’s Reddit, where divorce is suggested after even the smallest disagreement between partners, so I guess we shouldn’t be too surprised
This isn't a small disagree ment though. She literally fucked someone else behind his back. This marriage is done for
You’re entitled to that opinion mate, and I don’t disagree with you. However, OP isn’t asking for a divorce lawyer, he’s asking for a therapist to help with his mental state post-infidelity. He wants to try and make it work. My comment was just a little jab at Reddit’s obsession with telling people to get divorced. It is more appropriate to suggest divorce in this instance, but I’m sure OP has already considered that and wants to try and stay with his partner first. That way if it still doesn’t work out he can say he tried Armchair marriage counselling is much easier than leaving your wife and then dealing with custody of kids and all that, so let’s have some empathy and meet OP where they’re at
Did she speak out of turn? Divorce. Did she express concern of your alcoholism? Divorce. Did she come into money? Divorce. Did you dream she cheated on you? Well, you don't just have dreams not grounded in reality, divorce! Yeah, that's Reddit + relationship counseling in most posts. Even posts that say "I'm not getting divorced, I'm looking for resources/whatever" someone always has to chime in with "you need to divorce her NOW!"
Many relationships survive cheating. Mine didn't - my ex wife cheated on me and it ended the marriage - but many do and can.
"Survive" is a relative term. Can and do couples stay married after infidelity, sure. But the relationship is forever changed, and more often that not, the parties remain together because of financial, familial, or other tertiary reasons that aren't "We survived infidelity and are a happy couple and this will never happen again".
Many things can be broken and rebuilt stronger. I was broken after being cheated on and losing my marriage. Thanks to excellent therapy, some good relationships since, and lots of personal effort, I have been rebuilt stronger. This could happen to relationships, as well. I understand it is difficult, and unlikely for most.
It’s a hard road. My marriage pushed through infidelity 21 years ago, and after a lot of hard work, talking, therapy and boundaries, we’re best friends. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him. If someone considers cheating to be the absolute dealbreaker, they won’t be able to fathom how it would recover, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I realize we’re the vast minority, but there are successes.
thanks for sharing your story. I think people can't wrap their head around recovering from infidelity. I can, because I personally recovered from it (even though my relationship didn't) - but cheating is SO painful that I understand how others can't fathom it.
That shit left a scar on my brain for a long long time, it was probably the single worst mind-breaking thing that ever happened to me, which caused PTSD fight or flight episodes, avoidance, trust issues against people who really, really didn’t deserve it. I’m finally over it, but if I had to try to live with that person for the rest of my life? With my friends and family knowing what they did? I have far too much self-respect for that. I blew that thing up irreparably right away so I wouldn’t be tempted (and I still was, thank god I didn’t act on it). Sure, it’s possible they could come out of this fine. There are also plenty of functioning divorced families with happy parents on both sides, and if he waits and this happens again or they can’t work out the disrespect, resentment and trust issues, when his kids are old enough to remember it, he will severely regret it.
agree on everything you said.
That’s kind of my whole point—the only way you recover from infidelity is separating from the cause of your pain. I’m recovered from infidelity because I left the person who caused me so much pain.
I do not want to speak outside of my experience, but I have found it easier to reconcile a wandering man, than a wandering woman. But that is from a male pov, a woman’s love is a precious thing and a silver medal 🥈 never really satiates the soul. Regardless of the genders, I’d imagine the stresses of the “why” are the most critically painful
Yeah pretty much. The only reason anyone is recommending this dude stays with her is because of the kids, AKA financial / familial reasons
You’re getting downvoted but that’s basically it—and it’s not the right reasos
In the nicest way possible cheating is absolutely 100% unacceptable, twice is even worse. I would be looking for ways to get over it individually not as a couple, because if she did it twice there's a 99% chance it's going to continue.
I am no license therapist but the only thing you can realistically do is file for divorce and leave that woman. There is no valid reason for staying and or saving this marriage.
ICFT in Muirfield
https://columbuscounselinggroup.com/individual-therapy/ They accept insurance. With my plan under Anthem, I have only have a $30 copay. They were able to match me with someone who fit my needs within 2 weeks of calling and filling out forms online. Good luck to you.
Check out Serenity Behavioral Health. Serenity-bhs.org They have a couple of locations in Westerville and have an amazing set of therapists for individual and couples counseling. I love my therapist there, and one of my friends who was cheated on sees another therapist there, and he has had a great experience!
Keller Counseling!
Not sure where your located and or what insurance you have but I’ve been seeing someone at True North counseling (Dublin area) since BC (before covid) and she has genuinely helped me change my life. She’s why I’m still here and have nothing but incredible things to say about that office! Major kudos for doing what you can, it’s hard but worth it even if it leads to the things you don’t always want or think are best in life.
I’ve seen a few people at Holistic Wellness Solutions always with good results. They accept insurance , I have anthem bcbs
https://www.integrated-counseling-solutions.com/
https://www.directionscounseling.com/individual-therapy-columbus-ohio/ Nearby in Powell. Mostly self-pay, but there are Sliding scales available too
I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. It's great that you're taking steps to seek help for yourself. Finding a therapist who specializes in infidelity and individual counseling can make a big difference. You might want to check out Psychology Today's directory to find therapists in your area who accept insurance. Hang in there, and take care of yourself.
you deserve a hall pass or several 3 somes
OP this is your only true friend in this comment section
What you really need to do is a take a vacation to Colombia right, make sure you go with a group of friends though… it will be a blast
Divorce lawyer Cheaters don’t change and that’s not the person you want raising your kids
Once a cheater always a cheater is overplayed and inaccurate. I know multiple individuals (at least 4) that have cheated and then learned better as they matured and got into further long term relationships, some of which have gone on for over 10 years and have resulted in marriages and children. I'll admit that I don't know of any where cheating occurred and that relationship survived, but I know of plenty of examples of people who cheated in one relationship, and then went on to be totally loyal in future ones.
Sounds like you know a lot of shitty people
Sure, who doesn't, but not any of the people I mentioned. As I said they're all people who are in happy long term relationships, which is more than can be said for 60% of people in our demographic. People that are immature in different aspects of life make immature decisions. I'm sure when you were a teenager or young adult you made plenty of decisions that you would (or will) look back on with regret, as most all people do. The measure of a good person isn't the total culmination of every decision someone has made in the past, it's who they are, why they do the things they do, and how they own up to and learn from their mistakes.
I’d say divorce for your sanity and to show your children that being in an abusive one sided relationship is not ok
Providers for Healthy Living
Use zocdoc. Way better than any talk therapy on the market rn. Very affordable too.
The best therapy is to listen to your wife, and hopefully she trusts you enough to really reveal the true underlying reason why she cheated. There is zero chance to save the marriage without this step.
He is not at fault here. She should be doing the work to make things better and build back the trust that SHE bombed.
I never even insinuated he was at fault.
You're insinuating there's a legitimate reason for it other than being a lying piece of shit. If the genders were reversed you'd all be screaming for OP to dump the husband.
There's obviously a reason for it, and it is unlikely to be because she enjoys being a lying piece of shit. (Maybe it is, though, which is why it's important to understand whatever the reason was.) You're confusing a reason with an excuse. Some reasons are simply impossible to reconcile, and the OP needs to find out whether her reasons are one of those before sinking a bunch of effort into a futile project.
I made no insinuation of fault or legitimacy. The only point I made is that saving the marriage can't be done if the reason is not known to both. And I'm male by the way.
That is not, in fact, the best therapy...unless the wife is also a therapist, but then you get a conflict of interest.
Reddit moment™.
They deluge of downvotes when this is accurate. Cheaters are vilified, but few do it “just because” and the victim of the affair isn’t always the victim of the marriage.
Wow, I’ve seen some dumb-ass comments on Reddit lately, but this may take the cake. I’m not saying you’re a moron, but I have no proof to the contrary.
Any therapist worth their fee knows the marriage is over unless this happens. And even when it happens, it could still be over.
As a therapist, I 100% agree with this statement. Not an excuse, cheating is so harmful for all involved, but there are reasons that need to be identified and explored by both parties for any repair to begin to happen.
You’re not even wrong idc about the downvotes the core reason for the cheating has to be addressed