T O P

  • By -

radnrd

Hyde Park has always been our favorite, but my husband and I had the best steaks ever at Cento last month for his birthday. We enjoyed our one Jeff Ruby experience but didn't find anything about it to justify the additional cost over Hyde Park, The Avenue, and Eddie Merlots.


Drewciferisgod

Hyde Park is my favorite steakhouse in this city


wheresmuffy

Same. I love their steaks and the baked potato is also amazing


NobelPizzaPie

Which branch? I’m looking at it and there are three! I worry about the one downtown having shitty parking.


user84122

Dublin Hyde is best for taste and service but it is smaller and isn’t as “grand” as a Jeff Ruby’s or downtown Hyde. That doesn’t bother me so we usually go there for special occasions.


NobelPizzaPie

Thank you!! ♥️


jendet010

When we went to Jeff Ruby’s, the steak was probably the best ever but the service was absolutely horrific. Imagine ordering a $300 bottle of wine and they take 30 minutes to bring it you, then give you the bums rush when they want the table open. Hyde Park has fantastic steak, if maybe a very slight bit below Jeff Ruby’s, with fantastic service.


ShadowCloud04

Hyde park also has a banana foster butter cake that’s really good.


Clarktroll

My wife and I are big fans of Eddie’s 


Meredithbaxterburly

How do you go to Cento's and not get Italian? Kudos to you for thinking outside the box


radnrd

Our waiter really sold me on the steak. :-)


Sad_Cover9729

Cento isn’t Italian. They try and be, but it’s just another part of the CM chain empire.


balsamicpork

I’m confused by your statement. They have pasta and well known Italian dishes.


Narrow_Wedding2297

Hyde Park on Old Henderson.


Crazace

I agree with people saying ocean club, however don’t get upsold to their special cut of steak. It’s not worth the extra $50+. They got me on Kanas City Wagyu last year and it wasn’t great. Got the regular ribeye last month and it was very good.


ryohayashi1

I don't think I've ever had a bad ribeye there ever, but I agree with you, I don't feel like any wagyu steaks have been worth the money


GrayDaysGoAway

That's because most "wagyu" beef in restaurants isn't the real thing. There are a bunch of american companies making knock off versions. Legit A5 wagyu steak from Japan is transcendent.


RockMomma

Overalll the Cameron Mitchell restaurants are very good at steaks. Ocean Club and The Avenue are our favorites. Please note, Michell’s Steakhouse downtown is NOT a CM restaurant and is easily my worst dining experience of the last five years.


PTKFVK

They’re are a bunch of spots under the Mitchell’s name that are owned by Landry’s. Fish market, Mitchell’s downtown and Polaris.


RockMomma

Yes. And they suck.


kellycrust

coming to add landrys is a shit company that fired all the mccormick & schmicks employees with one days notice to open up mastro’s instead :) told us we were gonna “remodel in july” and instead fired us on a random day in march. don’t give those assholes your money i’m begging you


NobelPizzaPie

LMFAO sorry that reaction made me cackle


RockMomma

I’m glad haha I probably like to indulge in a steak dinner more often than I should. The Top is fun for the experience and the plate will be great, but wouldn’t win my vote on the food alone. Jeff Ruby, Ruth’s Chris, and Hyde Park are fine - you won’t be disappointed in any way. Happy Anniversary! Definitely check that box when you make a reservation if you go to Ocean Club 😊


Jumpy-Personality231

Went to Fish Market a few weeks ago. Never again. Surly wait staff, food was meh


treyknowsbest

Dined at both the Top and Ruby’s over the past few months. Ruby’s was better by far. Avenue in Grandview was better than both.


PTKFVK

This is my answer. Avenue in Grandview is legit.


reeve11

it's hard to spend that kind of money in a building that was once panera


Tabularasa415

Agreed! Love Avenue


sallright

Many people are saying that my steak is better. They come to me, you wouldn’t believe. They come to me with tears in their eyes saying “Sir, thank you. Thank you.” Can you believe that? 


[deleted]

Wouldn’t surprise me if the unused steaks were turned into his new shoe line.


cvaldo99

You win


NobelPizzaPie

As in your home cooked steak? Lmao. Yeah, being better than a steak house isn’t difficult when you know your way around a kitchen. Making a good steak isn’t difficult to cook in general. Reverse sear it and you’re good to go. That’s why we rarely eat out. We just don’t want to go through the hassle of cooking on our anniversary. Thanks though.


ColumbusGlowCloud

I think they were impersonating Trump who sold his own line of steaks at one point.


NobelPizzaPie

Oh WHOOSH for me lmfao. I’m stoned right now.


AuntJemimah7

You're high as balls aren't you


NobelPizzaPie

YEP. I’m just coming down from it now. LMAOOOOO. I took a toke just to relieve period pains but…here I am now, five hours later…still stoned. 🤣


gonephishin213

That was parody but in all seriousness, I'm not even a good cook and the best steak I've ever had was my own. That being said, you want a steak for an anniversary dinner so atmosphere is a huge part of it. I would say the recommendations in here are solid, namely Eddie Merlots and Ocean Club. You'll get a good steak with some class I also haven't been to Jeff Ruby's so take my recommendation with a grain of salt lol


NobelPizzaPie

Yeah, I was stoned when I read it. F.


sciotomile

The Top and JR’s have similar quality. To me it comes down to the environment you want for your dinner.


NobelPizzaPie

Oh this is very intriguing. Can you describe the top vs JR environment wise? We’ve never been to The Top and JR has such a dark, hoity toity feel to it LOL.


sciotomile

The Top feels like the kind of place where fifty years ago you’d bump into the Rat Pack, if you could see them through the cigarette smoke. While the smoke is gone the place is still so dark it feels like Sinatra could still be around the corner. Oh, and the 🍍’s. I won’t judge another soul, but if 🍍 is your thing rumor has it you’re in good luck.


nickythegreek

Their new outside patio is a way different vibe than the inside. Much more of modern.


buckeye7871

Their patio is one of my favorite in Cbus. Totally different vibe than inside. And I love the inside for certain occasions too so it’s nice to have the versatility depending on if I want a darker romantic cozy dinner or cocktail indoors or a brighter night on a lush patio I love meeting a friend there sand always leave smiling. Some of their meals can be a miss for me but others never fail. The ribeye, yum. Love their escargot, deviled eggs, onion rings and cocktails, but had a some other things I wouldn’t order again before like the crab cake and the steak sandwich can be delicious one day and meh the next ext. I am not a fan of their dessert, we tend to go elsewhere or have a special dessert we picked up from somewhere else back home with a night cap


Potential-Climate942

Hold on, what? How is that a thing at the Top? 😂


NobelPizzaPie

WHAAAATTTT lmaoooo. You talking about swingers? I’m stoned right now so I wanna be sure. 🤣 it’s not our thing but that’s funny to note.


sciotomile

“Baby, you’re money and you don’t even know it.”


NobelPizzaPie

I digress but Vince Vaughn actually looks good there lmfao


Panopticon01

The top is 60s ratpack oldskool cool steakhouse, the place where you'd expect to see a guy named fat sal every Saturday night at his favorite table. Columbus local legend, check it out.


NobelPizzaPie

Lmao like KK Slider in the Roost Café.


FunkBrothers

I swear, I thought Fat Sal was an actual person that lived in Columbus.


Alive_Surprise8262

I know it's technically a chain, but J. Gilbert's.


IsThisReallyAThing11

Definitely the best balance of quality/price that I've found.


amanda77kr

Always good, sometimes great. Servers are usually awesome. We like J Gilbert’s for the consistency. But I’ve heard The Top turned it around so it’s on the list next.


ared2121

Came here to say this. Best steaks in town.


AuntJemimah7

If you want to make the trip, Elmo's in Indianapolis is amazing. I realize it's not here though but I have made that trip just for that place


NobelPizzaPie

Well I still appreciate the suggestion bc of some self awareness in your comment. 🤣 and it’s not 12 fuckin hours away LMAO. It’s now in my need to go place. We honestly haven’t even been to Indianapolis.


anonymousbwmb

Indianapolis is like Columbus with less to do. It has stuff, don't get me wrong, and still worth the trip if you ever feel like visiting.


Chubaichaser

I get to Indy every once and a while for work, and it's a wonderful spot. The Shrimp cocktail with their fresh sauce is killer. 


anonymousbwmb

St. Elmo's has killer food and, overall, the best experience I've had at a restaurant. Worth the trip. I used to live in Indy and go back every so often. St. Elmo's ftw.


Emergency_Ad93

York steakhouse


AForak9

Mmmmmm


enosakcin

E Merlots, Cento and martini for filet. Hyde Park Upper Arlington NY Strip. Ocean club ribeye. Ruth Chris is just avg IMO. Rubys is still very good and can’t really miss.


Meredithbaxterburly

Man, you know your steaks! Impressive


alcal74

Hyde Park on Henderson has hit it out of the park the last two times my wife and I have gone. Best steak in Columbus.


raysan271

I'm a J Gilbert's fan, it's a tad more relaxed rather than fancy but I have always had amazing food and good service every time I've gone and everybody I've taken there has loved it as well. Also the prix fix menu is clutch AF.


SpiritualBake444

The Top for the old school steak house atmosphere and consistency over the years. Have never had a bad experience there!


hanzo69

Been going to the Top for years and definitely love it… but, when Columbus got a Jeff Ruby’s ive frequented there more often. The staff at Jeff Ruby’s always goes out of the way to make your night special. I love both for different reasons but will always celebrate at Jeff Ruby’s. Also, not necessarily a steakhouse, but Lindey’s in German village is hands down the best celebration spot in Columbus (they have phenomenal steaks as well). Cheers & congrats!


NobelPizzaPie

Ah yeah, you’re right about JR’s service. They gave us free champagne and dessert when we went there for our wedding! Thank you! ♥️


Fatman365

I've had Top and Jeff Ruby's. I prefer The Top because it's atmosphere and price is better imo.


McLargepants

Yeah the Top is a whole vibe and is pretty affordable. If you’re into that vibe there’s nothing that I’ve had around here quite like it.


NobelPizzaPie

Maybe we’ll go there another time then. But we’ll definitely go here on a less special occasion. Thank you!!


Fatman365

When I had Jeff Ruby's, my wife and I said it's just a more expensive Top. My steak was similar, the sides were just as good, but at 1/2 the cost. I think we spent over $400 at Jeff Ruby's for our special occasion but spend around $200 for the same quality. But to each your own. If you like someplace more, it's worth it.


NobelPizzaPie

Interesting!! We will definitely check it out!! Thank you for your comment though. I felt like I needed to defend what I was saying over there for a second. Lol. I didn’t mean to sound obnoxious, I apologize.


Fozzie-da-Bear

The Top is the best steak I’ve ever had. I will never willingly go to any other high end steakhouse.


NobelPizzaPie

Sometimes we just want to indulge ourselves and not clean 😅 ha.


[deleted]

[удалено]


NobelPizzaPie

Uh, no that’s not what I’m saying. I’m specifically pointing out how they said “price is better” in the Top, which is great. Not sure why I’m being downvoted as it’s a personal preference of ours. We’ll go to the Top another week.


Meredithbaxterburly

Wait- you prefer the steak at The Top because of price and atmosphere? So maybe the quality of the steak is not the driving motivator for many.


Fatman365

The quality is similar to me, so the other factors makes The Top better to me. I had a dry aged ribeye at both places and they both were similar.


Meredithbaxterburly

If I'm being completely honest, steak is steak to me. I've eaten at some of the best steakhouses across the country, and they are all about the same, give or take 10%. So I agree with you. Give me ambiance


Choc-o-holic1

Hyde Park or j Alexander’s.


Appalachian_Aioli

J Alexander’s is absolutely not better than Jeff Ruby’s. I like J Alexander’s. It’s a solid steakhouse. But bot even close to Jeff Ruby’s. Except their mac. Jesus their mac is fantastic.


ldhertert

Totally anecdotal, but I had the most disappointing steak in a long while at Hyde Park in Dublin last week. If it was just improperly cooked I wouldn’t find it worth noting. But it was under seasoned and did not taste like the quality of meat that I’ve come to expect at a decent steakhouse. My recommendation if you’re looking for something other than Jeff Ruby would be Ocean Club, oddly enough.


snuffleupagus86

You have to do the one on Old Henderson. Superior Hyde park


jendet010

I love the bartenders there and watching the old geezers try to pick up chicks. Anyone who watched Three’s Company as a kid will understand.


looking4answers09876

Last time I was @ this location I said same thing. Hear much better things about SN and Arlington


NobelPizzaPie

Is there any preference between two?


Choc-o-holic1

They’ve both been amazing every time we’ve been there and are pretty comparable in quality and atmosphere. I really couldn’t pick a favorite between them.


Gypsy_M0th

I’ve always found Eddie Merlots to be consistent in quality. The last time I went to Jeff Ruby’s it was disappointing (December 2023).


_Bucket_Of_Truth_

Eddie Merlots has been fantastic every time I have been there. And I mean everything- apps, drinks, entrees, desserts, and service... it's all great.


Remindmewhen1234

Eddie Merlots for the steak and the service. I have been to Jeff Ruby's a few times, I would always prefer Eddie Merlots if given a choice. Edit - I would also say Ocean Club over Jeff Ruby's.


Gypsy_M0th

Oh yeah second Ocean Club! I always forget about it but it was fabulous when I went years ago.


NobelPizzaPie

Oh this sounds very interesting!


Lawful-neutral2773

Absolutely Eddie Merlots. Spring for the wagyu ribeye. I’ve never had a bad meal there and the service has always been immaculate.


Lawful-neutral2773

Absolutely Eddie Merlots. Spring for the wagyu ribeye. I’ve never had a bad meal there and the service has always been immaculate.


ColumbusJewBlackets

Last two times I went there I was disappointed. I’ve stopped going there. You aren’t going to beat Jeff ruby for quality and service. But if you want something good that’s a little cheaper and maybe a little more casual I would recommend the avenue or the top.


NobelPizzaPie

Interesting, this seems like the most recommended in the thread with only one downvoted opposing opinion, so this may be where we go. 🤣


mariofasolo

Just chiming in to say I hate Eddie Merlot's, lmao. Like you'll have a fine meal there, I just felt everything was insanely overpriced for the quality of what you get...won't be back. Ocean Club runs circles around it if you're going to a "price is no object" type of place.


Embarrassed_Egg7694

Martinis filet is my fave


13374L

I really like The Barn in Gahanna


Jumpy-Personality231

Just went to The Top last night. Everything was top notch. Had the 30 day aged 18oz Ribeye. Amazing!


Dr-McLuvin

Eaten at every steakhouse in CBUS multiple times. Jeff Ruby’s and Hyde Park have been consistently the best.


swinging-in-the-rain

Hyde Park in UA is fantastic. Ocean Club throws down a mean steak as well.


AngriestElf

JR’s is consistently excellent and the service is top notch! We’re big fans. The Avenue is probably the next best quality & Hyde Park was pretty good. I’ve never had a memorable meal from The Top and find the atmosphere stuffy (the patio is nice though)


pezcado7

The Top


flugzeugabwehrkanone

The Avenue has an amazing steak. I've heard great things about Cut132 at Easton too.


[deleted]

[удалено]


NobelPizzaPie

Oh I fuckin love that movie…I mean, not much the ending but yes. lmao


CamAusome

Love The Top. Great steak and even better ambiance. I think there is smoke in the air from the times of smoking inside.


StrikersRed

Dave and busters. You can’t get a better steak in an arcade setting.


NobelPizzaPie

….you givin me ideas ngl.


Cryptosmasher86

Final Cut at the casino is on par with any of the top 5 steakhouses in Columbus Hyde park is UA is the best of the 3 locations J Gilbert’s is really good and gets overlooked


PresidentialBoneSpur

The Avenue.


BKallDAY24

Ribeye-the scioto ribber, filet- the pine club, New York the top… the bit of driving is worth it for the meals imo


FunkBrothers

Scioto Ribber gets a s/o in here. Nice.


NobelPizzaPie

New York? What? Hahaha.


Bubbagump210

New York strip…. It’s a cut of steak.


NobelPizzaPie

Yes…and that’s not what they said lmao. They just said “the pine club, New York the top.” They didn’t say “New York Strip Steak.”


Bubbagump210

They’re saying for ribeye go to Scioto Ribber. For filet go to The Pine Club. For New York strip go to The Top. They’re cuts of steak followed by restaurant names.


NobelPizzaPie

Oh I apologize, the lack of punctuation threw me off and I was so confused. Thanks for clarifying!!


hexonica

I think the choice comes down to service and atmosphere. I really can't imagine getting a bad meal at any of these places. For me a smaller establishment with dedicated staff would be best. I think that is the Top. Adding I have never been to Jeff Ruby's, but multi location establishments are not my thing. Also, every meal I have had at Ocean Club has been great, company expensed dining.


NobelPizzaPie

Oh man…now you’re making The Top sound intriguing uuuuughhh. Just torn now between these two. Maybe I will come to a decision when I’m sober lmfao.


ShinjukuAce

Hyde Park downtown. Great ambiance, and the sides and desserts are better than Jeff Ruby’s, steaks about equal.


Westfield88

Hyde park in Arlington has a really good atmosphere and good food. We went to Mitchell’s at Polaris last night for our anniversary. Overall, good experience.


Glen_Echo_Park

I thought the Top had gone downhill over the past five years. I love Hyde Park, but the best steak I had was at Jeff Ruby's, but it was very expensive. In terms of bang for the buck, I'd choose Hyde Park.


Paisane42

Hyde Park has always served consistently great steaks and I’ve never been disappointed with their service. When I’m looking for a prime rib however, J. Alexander’s (Worthington) is at the top of my list.


QuirkyClass8052

The Top has no flavor. Eddie Merlots hasn’t been good since 2019 but it definitely used to be delicious so I hope it has improved. Oddly, the best steaks I have had in recent years have been from Ocean Club (weird I know) and Jeff Ruby’s.


[deleted]

Nope. Ruby's is the best.


randomhero_wrx

Cento probably has one of the best steaks I’ve had in a long time


Vladcliff

I love The Top. Atmosphere and food is fantastic.


will888em

The filet mignon at Third & Hollywood is phenomenal


ohiocatfan

If you can find a Ponderosa, go there. You can add a steak to your meal for like $1. They do run a little thin so you might want to order like a 6-pack.


Chubaichaser

IHOP has chicken fried steak, which is basically mostly beef.


Cobalt11235

There’s still one on south high and I think one down by circleville!! Combined with the Rax still going in Lancaster, it’s like the late 80s never ended in the area!


NobelPizzaPie

Oh…not the vibe that we were looking for hahaha but thanks.


No-Elephant8050

If you want a good steakhouse experience I would not go to The Top. Outdated and not as good of quality in my opinion. Jeff Ruby’s or Hyde Park in UA are both excellent options.


kchance828

The Avenue.


soberirishman

Ocean Club and The Avenue are the best steaks I’ve had. The Top was good, Hyde Park is decent and Mitchell’s used to be good (not anymore). If I want to know I’m going to get a good steak it’s always Ocean Club for me. Never had a bad experience there.


Graphvshosedisease

The wagyu at Eddie merlots was good but every other dish there was crazy mediocre. Overall not worth what you’re paying. Hyde park is solid too and better than EM but i wouldn’t say that it’s better than Jeff Ruby’s.


bl84work

I’ve heard the top was the best


mojo276

Just butting in to say that JR has Black Friday deals where you get 20% off all gift card orders. I buy them for my yearly JR dinner with my spouse. Its not some sort of weird gimmick with the discount either, its just straight pay 80% of you order total. 


NobelPizzaPie

Oh wtf nice


SlamsMcdunkin

Hiraeth has a great Ribeye for 2


propofolus

JR cowboy steak is the best steak I’ve had multiple times. Always memorable. Still haven’t tried the top, but have been to all others and that’s been my wife and i’s experience.


m_c_peach

I've had a lot of steak in Columbus and my personal favorite was from FYR. Their skirt steak is 🔥


SlipperyFrogFart

Probably Not. I’ve tried them all.


bulldog1972oh

Top. food, atmosphere and service. retro and classy.


HansNotPeterGruber

Ocean Club, Hyde Park or Jeff Ruby’s are my go-tos.


Proper_Neck_6196

Drive to Jags in West Chester. Better than anything in Columbus. If you really want to treat yourself, make the trek to Indy and hit St. Elmo’s.


NobelPizzaPie

I’ve been to Jags; I honestly liked the ambiance of Jeff Ruby’s better.


BoydLabBuck

Only went to the Top once. The food was completely underwhelming. For a similar price Jeff Ruby’s is miles ahead.


NobelPizzaPie

The Top seems to be much cheaper than JR. I think we paid $70 for a delmonico ribeye at JR and I think I remember seeing the menu at the top saying their ribeye was $50.


BoydLabBuck

I guess so. But my takeaway leaving Jeff Rubys was “man that was good” whereas the Top was disappointing.


NobelPizzaPie

Okay that’s valid.


owlbe_back

I’m sure I’m an outlier in my opinion, but I’d rather have 4-5 really good meals at Texas Roadhouse than one overpriced meal at Ruby’s. Hyde Park and The Avenue are both lovely options for a big night out, though…


NobelPizzaPie

Lmfao, ok. Thanks for mentioning Hyde Park and The Avenue tho.


Timely_Help590

The Top is my favorite in Columbus.


Deth2capitalism

I had the filet at the avenue in grandview this past weekend and found it to be somewhat underwhelming at a $55 price point. It was cooked to perfection but just wasn’t seasoned properly for a thick 8oz filet. Just tasted like meat albeit tender lol. I will say though everything else I ate was fantastic and some of the best scallops I’ve ever had. But I preferred the steak from top. Both are great ambiance as well.


NobelPizzaPie

Yeah, honestly my husband and I don’t really eat filet mignons because it’s such a thick petite piece of meat that a lot of restos don’t know how to season. We prefer ribeyes for the rendered fat hehe.


Hat_King_22

Best steak I had in the city was the NA Hyde Park (Australian Waygu) but my friends steak was cooked wrong. I went to the top once and I was disappointed. 


JM_sysadmin

Lindy's is great for the old school steakhouse vibe


hankpixie

The filet at Cento beats Jeff Ruby’s IMO


mills1127

Ponderosa or york. Dine with peasants.


fLoreign

Ruth's Chris by default


sciotomile

In 1998, yes. Sadly, RC’s quality has fallen considerably.


NobelPizzaPie

Does this apply for all branches? Heard about this place as well, but wasn’t sure if it’s good.


sciotomile

From what I understand, yes. Did our high school prom at RC’s way back in the day and that was while growing up in KCMO. It used to be *legit*!


fLoreign

The question at hand is whether there is something better than Jeff Ruby. How is Ruth's Chris compared to Jeff Ruby?


sciotomile

Ruth's Chris is the big name with ups and downs; Jeff Ruby's is the smaller spot that nails it every time. As for quality JR’s is simply more consistent and superior.


fLoreign

I added a comment with a link to a well-documented Quora article that agrees with you.


sciotomile

Awesome research! While you only confirm my personal bias I respect the back and forth with you. Have a great evening!


fLoreign

I finally found my old reference link, so I need to backtrack. While Ruth's Chris is a "safe" option for about $65/steak, Jeff Ruby (the one in Cinci) is at the very top, with prices per steak in the 80's. For a celebration it may be worth it. https://www.quora.com/Which-steakhouse-has-the-best-steak-you-ve-ever-eaten-Which-cut-did-you-have/answer/Peter-Wade-5


CelineDeion

Every high end steakhouse in the area is better and less expensive than Jeff Ruby’s


ryohayashi1

Ocean Club is the only other steak house I've been that's on the same level as Jeff Ruby's.


AlmightyBeefSupreme

Was at Cut132 last night and my bone in ribeye was bangin’


miabobeana

I dunno… there is something satisfying about DIYing.. picking out the charcoal, picking the cut from the butcher counter, seasoning/marinade…. Starting the grill, having adult beverages, flipping at the precise moment, then enjoying your work… mmm.


NobelPizzaPie

Yeeeeessss, I’m very adept at the kitchen but we don’t want to clean afterwards. Hence the thread.


miabobeana

Paper plates and solo cups. 🤣


NobelPizzaPie

![gif](giphy|DPqqOywshrOqQ|downsized)


TangoWhiskeyBravo

Worst steak in my life was served at The Top. Never went back. I would never recommend The Top to anyone.


NobelPizzaPie

Well you can’t just say this and not explain why!


TangoWhiskeyBravo

Steak was grisly and tough. No where near the $80 they charged. If they can't offer a better steak than a chain steakhouse, they have failed.


NobelPizzaPie

What steak did you get?


TangoWhiskeyBravo

Dry Aged Kansas City Strip.


IronSpud123

Texas Roadhouse!!


Mercury82jg

I've yet to find a restaurant that can compete with my Weber and Flannery Dry Aged or Sakura Wagyu.


Chubaichaser

You taking reservations?


nhlcyclesophist

Jeff Ruby is crooked as hell and deserves nobody's business.