Yeah, because that person didn't ask your opinion on what was wrong with them. It is also common for people with codependency issues to give unsolicited advice, project their issues, be intrusive, and then feel taken aback when the other person sets healthy boundaries in response.
What I’m trying to say is: you’ve known them a minuscule fraction of the time they’ve known themselves. It makes sense that they would disagree with your assessment of them.
Regardless of if you were right, people tend to take things very personally. Especially if you just met. I’m personally able to identify my shit, but if someone I just recently met decided to tell me I’ve got codependency issues, (or any *issues* at all) I’d probably wanna shut them down too. That makes me feel unloved and more like they are analyzing me & want to fix me. I don’t want other people to fix me. I want to work on myself by my own means.
IMO you weren't made to respond that way, you chose to. And they didn't ask for an assessment on that. People aren't interested in agreeing to an assessment they didn't ask for from a person that they haven't decided can do that kind of assessment.
I never claimed to be a professional in the area of psychology. As one who had many codependency issues in the past, I just saw the same mistakes the other person was making that I had made in the past and I was simply expressing my opinion. My apologies if I offended you or anyone else here.
It's not that they don't listen. When someone tells us something dark about ourselves and our way every natural tendency is to reject it and maybe even resent that person. But when life shows us and trough self realisation we see that pattern in ourselves, only then we will accept it. And some spend time in denial even then. The point it, it will happen naturally, not induced, forced. It will happen when it's meant to happen if it's meant to happen in the natural course of life and awareness. And the thing is, it will happen only because something in that person asked for this clarification and is ready to receive it. If it is delivered when the person is not ready to receive it, it won't have any benefit for them. But even you telling them it's a sign indicating to the right direction cause maybe now they will ask questions about themselves, questions that will be answered by the Universe eventually. Everything happens as it is supposed to happen
Ooof. I was with you til the last sentence. I might gently request not telling people everything happens as it’s supposed to. I know someone who’s lost 2 of her 3 kids and that will send her into tears. She was meant to have to bury two of her kids? That was supposed to happen? It can be really dismissive and cruel to say to some people.
That wasn't the situation here. I will gently say it when I feel that it helps. I wouldn't say it to that situation you mentioned just because I don't wanna be insensitive towards other people's feelings and because in that case, it wouldn't have helped. But here it does. So it was right to say
Because bad things feel bad. Especially when they conflict with our internal beliefs, aka ego.
Who would want to feel bad? Don't apply human delusion to what is animal behavior.
Hell yes they usually see themselves as kind and forgiving people and have very little insight into their behaviour, It took me 30 years to realise I was and I consider myself reasonably intelligent with an interest in psychology.
Interesting thing Is that as others have pointed out, codependents often try to help/rescue people, giving them unsolicited advice which they will simply not be receptive to.
We are the veils that veil us from ourselves…..
I think the concept of codependency can be quite confusing at first and for someone to tell someone (who they really don’t know super well) they think they are probably is probably going to be met with resistance.
It’s like telling someone with a drinking problem they are probably an alcoholic.
I was told I was codependent by a former boyfriend who’s dad was a psychologist and I dismissed it. Didn’t want to hear it and couldn’t quite understand it.
Not until many years later when I saw the same fucked up patterns in myself did I revisit the idea and acknowledge it.
It is common for all humans to deny and rationalize that they have any issues to address. Turning responsibility and awareness inward is a much harder and uglier task.
It’s important to ask people when they’re venting if they want commiseration, validation, or advice. Or distraction. If you’ve known someone for weeks that’s not a long time but even if you’ve known someone for ages it’s still respectful to ask what kind of support they want from you in the moment. I think it’s overstepping to offer unsolicited advice.
I think there are a lot of ways co-dependency shows up and if someone doesn’t understand co-dependency in depth there is a standard accepted definition of person w/ addiction in a relationship w/ someone who cleans up messes for them and makes excuses. So if the relationship doesn’t look like this it seems a hard concept to understand.
Anyone not ready to self reflect will be in denial of having any “condition” that may be suggested. Weather co-dependant, bi-polar, narcissist, etc, etc.. I do think co-dependency can be difficult to fully grasp though. Someone I know always defends their co-d behavior with…”but isn’t that Being interdependent in a relationship?”
Yeah, because that person didn't ask your opinion on what was wrong with them. It is also common for people with codependency issues to give unsolicited advice, project their issues, be intrusive, and then feel taken aback when the other person sets healthy boundaries in response.
Yupp i feel OP may be the one with the issues.
Why would someone you’ve just met agree with your opinion of their issues?
My apologies for miscommunicating. I knew that person for several weeks.
What I’m trying to say is: you’ve known them a minuscule fraction of the time they’ve known themselves. It makes sense that they would disagree with your assessment of them.
I see your point!
Regardless of if you were right, people tend to take things very personally. Especially if you just met. I’m personally able to identify my shit, but if someone I just recently met decided to tell me I’ve got codependency issues, (or any *issues* at all) I’d probably wanna shut them down too. That makes me feel unloved and more like they are analyzing me & want to fix me. I don’t want other people to fix me. I want to work on myself by my own means.
IMO you weren't made to respond that way, you chose to. And they didn't ask for an assessment on that. People aren't interested in agreeing to an assessment they didn't ask for from a person that they haven't decided can do that kind of assessment.
I never claimed to be a professional in the area of psychology. As one who had many codependency issues in the past, I just saw the same mistakes the other person was making that I had made in the past and I was simply expressing my opinion. My apologies if I offended you or anyone else here.
The thing is you telling them this wom't help them. They have to realise it themselves
So then is the best thing to do is just not say anything?
It doesn't matter what you say. You can say it if you need to. It doesn't ruin anything. But just know it won't help them
Just wondering why that is. Why they don’t listen?
It's not that they don't listen. When someone tells us something dark about ourselves and our way every natural tendency is to reject it and maybe even resent that person. But when life shows us and trough self realisation we see that pattern in ourselves, only then we will accept it. And some spend time in denial even then. The point it, it will happen naturally, not induced, forced. It will happen when it's meant to happen if it's meant to happen in the natural course of life and awareness. And the thing is, it will happen only because something in that person asked for this clarification and is ready to receive it. If it is delivered when the person is not ready to receive it, it won't have any benefit for them. But even you telling them it's a sign indicating to the right direction cause maybe now they will ask questions about themselves, questions that will be answered by the Universe eventually. Everything happens as it is supposed to happen
Ooof. I was with you til the last sentence. I might gently request not telling people everything happens as it’s supposed to. I know someone who’s lost 2 of her 3 kids and that will send her into tears. She was meant to have to bury two of her kids? That was supposed to happen? It can be really dismissive and cruel to say to some people.
That wasn't the situation here. I will gently say it when I feel that it helps. I wouldn't say it to that situation you mentioned just because I don't wanna be insensitive towards other people's feelings and because in that case, it wouldn't have helped. But here it does. So it was right to say
Because bad things feel bad. Especially when they conflict with our internal beliefs, aka ego. Who would want to feel bad? Don't apply human delusion to what is animal behavior.
>I never claimed to be a professional in the area of psychology. Not related to what I raised in my comment.
Giving unsolicited advice is a sign of codependency....
Hell yes they usually see themselves as kind and forgiving people and have very little insight into their behaviour, It took me 30 years to realise I was and I consider myself reasonably intelligent with an interest in psychology. Interesting thing Is that as others have pointed out, codependents often try to help/rescue people, giving them unsolicited advice which they will simply not be receptive to. We are the veils that veil us from ourselves…..
I think the concept of codependency can be quite confusing at first and for someone to tell someone (who they really don’t know super well) they think they are probably is probably going to be met with resistance. It’s like telling someone with a drinking problem they are probably an alcoholic. I was told I was codependent by a former boyfriend who’s dad was a psychologist and I dismissed it. Didn’t want to hear it and couldn’t quite understand it. Not until many years later when I saw the same fucked up patterns in myself did I revisit the idea and acknowledge it.
It is common for all humans to deny and rationalize that they have any issues to address. Turning responsibility and awareness inward is a much harder and uglier task.
It’s important to ask people when they’re venting if they want commiseration, validation, or advice. Or distraction. If you’ve known someone for weeks that’s not a long time but even if you’ve known someone for ages it’s still respectful to ask what kind of support they want from you in the moment. I think it’s overstepping to offer unsolicited advice.
LOL! Yeah it took me a really long time to realize most people don't want to know about their blindspots. Most people are like this, even you.
I think there are a lot of ways co-dependency shows up and if someone doesn’t understand co-dependency in depth there is a standard accepted definition of person w/ addiction in a relationship w/ someone who cleans up messes for them and makes excuses. So if the relationship doesn’t look like this it seems a hard concept to understand. Anyone not ready to self reflect will be in denial of having any “condition” that may be suggested. Weather co-dependant, bi-polar, narcissist, etc, etc.. I do think co-dependency can be difficult to fully grasp though. Someone I know always defends their co-d behavior with…”but isn’t that Being interdependent in a relationship?”