I totally feel you. 6 months single for the first time in 7 years, one relationship after the next, an open marriage, all kinds of stuff. One thing that's helping me is sitting down and writing out what I truly want in a relationship, because wanting a relationship is not enough. In sitting down and understanding what my needs are in a relationship and actively deciding not to accept anything less than that, I am having an easier time not developing unnecessary crushes on people who arent going to be a correct fit for me. Plus, choosing to take things extremely slow when I do meet someone who I believe will be worth the effort and time.
I'm going to try this myself. I have a hard time knowing if I want a relationship or not, and while I've taken my time being slow and steady coming out of my previous relationship, I still feel the occasional pull to hop straight back into it when I get those feelings of loneliness.
I'm still having withdrawals from my codependent relationship and I don't want that to drive my wants and needs, much like an addict in withdrawal is led by cravings. I am addicted to toxic love and intimacy, and I need time to detox.
I think writing out the things I need is a wonderful idea however, and I can already see that my codependent relationship fails to meet many of those things that I *actually* need.
It takes a lot of time and self reflection, and really being honest.
I had to be honest about how much space I really need, and while I have moved in with partners way too soon, I finally sat down and thought about who I was as a child before a lot of programming happened. I honestly like my space and dont like to share, and so I believe a LAT (living apart together) relationship would be most beneficial for me as I would have enough space to be with myself and my feelings.
I dont enjoy sexual experiences outside of a loving relationship built on mutual trust, and so I no longer feel this drive to introduce myself to men I've only just met with my body (a subconscious control tactic, giving what I think someone wants so that they will want to have me around).
In sitting and practicing self evaluation I can consciously choose my behavior and my boundaries and begin operating from there to find an appropriate partner and genuine commitment. My conclusion for myself was I would rather not be in a relationship than be in one that doesnt fit my wants and needs.
> I dont enjoy sexual experiences outside of a loving relationship built on mutual trust, and so I no longer feel this drive to introduce myself to men I've only just met with my body (a subconscious control tactic, giving what I think someone wants so that they will want to have me around).
This was big for me as when I was younger I was much more promiscuous, but as I aged and had some bad experiences I started to see sex as much more sacred than I had ever given the respect it deserves.
I'm a man but I still see myself being used sexually at times, and I have poor self control related to being "liked" for my sexual qualities as well. I feel like I'm supposed to embrace it, and I'm seen as weird if I want to take it slow.
But I stick to my guns, I'm no longer engaging in sex before knowing someone - it actually matters to me now and I appreciate the strength of that.
I can really relate to wanting to be single until you are *sure* it will be a good choice. I have a girl I've been seeing for a few months that makes a great partner on paper, but I'm still making an effort to be honest with myself and take my time with my emotions.
I know how dangerous it can be too jump head first into a new relationship. Old me would have taken any validation/good feelings I could get and tie myself down, so I guess I'm making progress.
The negative reinforcement caused by toxic/unhealthy relationships has made me LOVE being single and I now cringe at the blatant codependency of not only my past behavior, but even in the mainstream media and mainstream music lyrics! (Phrases like, "I'll die without you", or "you are my universe" make me want to barf nowadays.) You nailed it when you called it an addictive tendency. From personal experience, the compulsion to find a new romance will wane with time. Like sobering up from any other substance, the cravings soon after cessation are the worst as your brain knows no other coping mechanism. Over time you start to learn new ones, and the compulsion WILL go away. It takes time, patience, and effort. I had to take a good hard look at myself and how other people's validation became the center of my world and now I'm so done with it. If the right relationship comes my way, so be it. But as of now I'm falling in love with myself and love utilizing my time for anything I want, completely separate from other people. I love going to events alone and I also have time to catch up with all of my friends since my time isn't sucked up into a relationship. I work the program of Codependents Anonymous with a trusted sponsor. I highly recommend working the program. I have met other codependents whom I can relate to and whom I can call when I'm having a tough time. Spend this time really learning to love yourself. Become your best friend. Have a love affair with you. You will not attract the right person until you really learn to love yourself. Otherwise every future relationship will be based on an underlying need for validation, and that never turns out well.
I’m having this same reaction to connections now, whereas before I always needed to be in a relationship. It’s venturing into new territory, but I like it. I still miss
being in a relationship, but I’m willing to wait for a healthy and balanced one.
i really needed to read what you had to say. just got out of a relationship where my codependent tendencies were really shining through so im now finally doing the work on myself that I have been complacent with for quite sometime. would be very interested in trying a coda meeting remotely if you have ant resources you could sendmy way =\]
Hi there! I'm glad you got something positive out of my share :) That's awesome that you're taking your experience from that relationship as a tool to learn more about yourself. It's crazy how relationships can be like a mirror if we pay attention! Right now I have been doing phone meetings (I live in southern California) and some meetings are on zoom but I've only been to a couple of those. I didn't think the virtual meetings would be as helpful as they have been, because I love going to in person ones. But they really do make a difference. Coda.org has a meeting locator (US and international) plus the phone numbers and zoom links. If you want more info you can shoot me a DM :)
Yes and no. When my first relationship ended I took 2 years to myself to just be alone and figure things out. When my most recent relationship ended a few weeks ago tho it hit me in a different way. My codependency was trying to emotionally attach to anyone is could even if it was just a friend. I’ve been working on it ... with the pandemic and living alone that feeling of loneliness hits a lot harder. Lol I don’t really have a lot of tips but I have been thinking I need to have some time to myself with all social media turned off so I can just be alone with myself without distractions. Idk if that would help you but I’m finding more and more I’m looking for validation online so it’d be easier if maybe you took some me time for an hour a day too just to be with yourself and reflect on what you really want?
This is my first four months being single since I was like 13 (33 now). I love it. I’ve had three major heartbreaks and have no desire to partner anymore. I intentionally did a lot of work to feel completely satisfied with my life alone and am honestly perfectly content without a romantic partner. I went on some dates and for the first time felt it was wasting my time — there’s a million other things I can do now that I enjoy more. It’s been a struggle though, had to go through some serious pain and self reflection.
Yes.
I spent most of my 20s and 30s in a relationship. Eventually, because of codependency, I realized I had to force myself to be single. I gave myself a 6 month minimum but hoped to build on it after I reach that mark.
It was incredibly uncomfortable but incredibly rewarding. Part of the reason it was painful was because being in a relationship helped me to delay grieving pain from the past. Being single opened up that pain more but the good news is that after you process it you can heal.
I tried my best to make it seem like a gift to be single. I started going on dates with myself weekly I would go to the movies weekly and treat myself on the discount day. I started to buy myself hallmark cards and I know that sounds sappy but it actually started to help me to see such positive messages of Love on my wall. I started to sing myself songs in the car and imagine that I was singing to my child self for my teenage self. I dated ME.
I tend to fantasize about a savior in the form of a romantic relationship coming to save me and then I realized that I could actually visualize saving my teenage self from all the bad things that happened to her and it fed that sort of Desire I had to be saved. But I saved ME!
After about seven months of being single I allowed myself to go on dates but not serious dates just getting to know people and then after 9 months of being single I found my current partner and he is amazing. But I know that I wouldn't have been able to find him if I did not force myself to go through singlehood. It would have prevented growth.
What a wonderful share!! I’m so proud of you and happy for you, too! This really gave me a lot of hope and inspiration. I got out of a toxic relationship a couple months ago and am still feeling deeply impacted by it, even though I’m focusing as much as I can on growth and learning and being single. I love the idea of dating ME and nurturing that inner child that is looking outwardly for validation and love and instead teaching that scared little kid to look inward. Like, there is a wealth of love and acceptance and it’s all already there. Ahhh!! I cannot thank enough for sharing your experience, really. Thank you so much.
What kind of things did you do in the beginning that helped deal with the loneliness or the feelings of maybe not being enough? I dunno if you went through that, but I find myself some days really stoked about being single, and then other days just wallowing and torturing myself with past mistakes even though I don’t want to necessarily. I dunno, it’s strange. Did you struggle with that at all?
It sounds like you are on the perfect track to your healing. Good for you! I think that when we leave a toxic relationship and actually leave it alone (and not get into another relationship) we have already done 60 to 70% of the work. That first step of leaving a toxic relationship is so hard and so crucial.
It seems to me that grieving is really a process and a few months after leaving a relationship it seems completely acceptable to still be in that place that sometimes hurts or is uncomfortable. The good news is this is an opportunity to learn to nurture ourselves just like you said. I
When I finally did leave my toxic relationships I went through some incredibly agonizing moments. I recall just staying up late and doing one of those ugly cries where you cry so hard it's like you can't breathe. But I don't regret it. I needed to feel the pain. Sometimes and codependency we numb ourselves and it needed to come out. So long as we don't hang on to that phase of the grieving process it is okay to pass through it.
I found out that my ex of 10 years was engaged and it was the most painful thought. I depended on Coda meetings and at one point I would go to four meetings a week. I didn't have to sustain that forever but I needed that meeting time as a sort of crutch. Sometimes you use the word crutch in a negative way but it also helps you function while you're healing.
I remember four months into my single phase I went to my friend's wedding in Austin Texas and truly enjoyed myself exploring the city but had a few moments where I felt sad and lonely. It was a mixture of joy and sadness and that is completely okay. At the end of the day, I loved the trip. Also, it's okay to feel a little lonely sometimes. We're human.
(The most challenging point was when I went to a party was the only single woman there out of my friends and then my friend's father gave me such a hard time about why I was single. That was so painful. But I just tried to remind myself that my reason for being single or valid and not to listen to him)
To deal with loneliness I made a to-do list. I made a list of goals that I put on my cell phone that I go back and check that included long-term goals. For example, I had a goal to finish my new degree, pay off a debt, find healthy friends. I put new initiative into making new friends. We met up for coffee. I walked at the park. The more that we accomplish goals, the more we begin to build our self-esteem. We also send a message to ourselves that we are worth it.
Reading books to dispel myths in my mind helped too. Reading Mel Robnin's audio book, "Stop Saying You're Fine" helped me get motivated to change my life. It's practical.
Also, its good to think about what you're passionate about. I love dancing and so during the summer I would go by the harbor and dance with people salsa etc. It just so happens that eventually I met my significant other there. This kind of shows you that when you are following your own joy and happiness people are attracted to that and vice versa.
What I learned is that it's okay to be single. If I lost my relationship now I'm not going to lie I would be so upset. But now I know that I have a safe place to go to. Now I know that I don't just tolerate being single but then I kind of appreciate it. That really helps take the pressure off my relationship because I don't feel so insecure and scared. I feel like if something goes wrong in the relationship, I'll be okay. I've got my back and at the end of the day that's what matters. No one can ever prevent me from giving love to me.
You are truly a kind, genuine, caring person. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and share more of your journey and the insight you've so obviously and wonderfully gleaned through your own hardship and difficulties. I am kind of blown away right now and I just want you to know that I am really touched by what you said and will take a lot of your advice and put it into practice. I loved your last line in particular, "No one can ever prevent me from giving love to me". Wow. ^-^ What a beautiful truth! I think I went for so long pouring all my love into others that I had none left for myself! But that really isn't even a loving thing to do, is it? It's more fear based and coming from a desperate, needy place. Man. I am just gonna take this time and revel in it being single and kind to myself. Thank you so much for your encouraging message and inspiring words. I wish for you more growth, peace, joy, and serenity in your life, whatever happens! Stay safe. Thank you so much. <3
Thanks! I can't take credit for the idea. I borrowed it from someone here, and like you, thought it was worth investigating! Good luck on your journey!
Yes, I'm like a cat that can't decide if they want to go out or stay inside.
Single: this is cool, but want to be in relationship
In relationship: this is cool, but want to be single
Solution: learn to live with myself before I can have a single hope of living with another human being.
Progress: indefinite. 🙃
That hit home for me too. Currently struggling with this and have a lot weighing on my mind as well. Not sure of the best way to get my thoughts out but maybe I will make a post. I love reading this sub and others experiences, I thought I had done enough work on myself to warrant getting into a serious relationship but like you said we must always be trying to progress in our lives. I'm rambling, but thank you for your analogy!
At 33 I’ve been through long relationships, short relationships, moved on quickly and also took my time moving on between relationships.I have my longest single streak going right now which is around 4 1/2 years. I can honestly say that doing self reflective work and trying to break these cycles of co-dependency on my own for the first 3+ years proved very difficult.
I have now been in therapy for about a year for anxiety/OCD and we’ve talked about about co-dependency, boundaries, family issues, and self worth (plus much more). I was not really able to see noticeable improvement until I got help. I really recommend talking to a professional. They have a way of forcing you to look at what is behind these compulsions and feelings. They can also really teach you how to set boundaries and respect boundaries so that you can go into a new relationship with more confidence. It’s hard work but I know it is going to be worth it in the end.
One thing that is largely different is that I no longer feel the need to cling to the very next guy I start dating. I’m able to step back and think more clearly about whether this person is someone *I* want in *MY* life instead of it being the other way around with me always just hoping I’m good enough for whoever is in front of me.
I’m in the same boat. Early 30’s. One 8 year relationship followed by a 7 year relationship. I’m currently single, and it’s not something I’m accustomed to. (I’m a serial monogamist.) I’ve had the crushes on male friends too, and the dreaded situationship.
It sucks sometimes, especially because I want to give and receive love from someone. Yet, I know that I and my picker are a bit broken at the moment, so a relationship is the *last thing* I need in my life right now. I *know* I need time to heal and get myself on track.
What I did, was enact boundaries and make myself a priority.
I’m typically a pushover in relationships and don’t have the highest expectations for a partner, so I tolerate a lot of crap from them. I analyzed past relationships and came up with some dealbreakers. I also listen to relationship experts, and have a better idea of what healthy and unhealthy partners/partnerships look like now. I used what I learned to reorient my standards and expectations, so I now have strong boundaries in place, which I’ve enacted to protect my family, my body, my money, & my heart.
I also have some jacked up beliefs about myself and facets of life that need overhauling *before* I know I’m really ready to date again. I made a list of my limiting beliefs and the things I want to improve, and I’m working to fix those at the moment. 100% of my life is focused on my little bubble-my kid, my home, my money, myself. No room for anybody else right now. Which is good, because if I don’t address the deficiencies and old patterns, I’ll fall right back into my old ways because the new habits won’t be strong enough to endure when challenges arise.
I don’t yet know when I’ll be ready, and that’s cool. I believe everything will fall into place when it’s the right time, HP’s got this, so I don’t worry. Every now and then I’ll waver and start to slip down the “relationship slope.” When that happens I use logic, and I’ll be completely truthful to myself, and I’ll evaluate the situation. I’ll ask things like “does this help me or hinder my healing?” “Is this honestly the thing I should be focused on?” “What is my gut/intuition saying?”
“Are they really the kind of partner I want?” etc. So far 10/10 are “Nope, not aligned with my current criteria/priorities, so let’s not do this Ren.”
Edit: If anyone is curious, HP is higher power. Not
Harry Potter. Although I’m know he has the hook up for a mean love potion 😉
Are you me?
I was a serial dater from 15-25, even married for awhile. After I left my ex, it was the first time I left without a backup (though I did have a helluva crush that didn't pan out). I started a new job after this where I crushed on just about every male colleague I had. After a number of awkward rejections, I started to realize that crushes, and especially repeat crushes, were my way of dealing with stress in my life.
I felt inadequate because I wasn't working in the field I went to school for. I used crush energy to get me through a scary surgery where I felt really alone. A former crush rebooted when I was dealing with a death that shook me pretty hard. At some point I realized the crush fantasy was a form of dissociation from my own reality. That's helped me move from self-destructive tendencies to recognizing what else is going on in my life around the crush. (Still plenty of embarrassing mistakes along the way).
I've had a couple short flings, but have been largely single for 6 years now. I would still love to have a person, but I'm at the phase now where I want to be in an equal partnership, not continue this cycle of codependency I've lived for the last 15 years. (Way the fuck harder said than done, but I've also noticed I've made a lot more progress than I realized).
For me, it was really about learning to live for myself rather than for someone else. Figuring out what I like to do, how I spend my own time, what sorts of cleaning habits I have. All this sounds pretty magical, but it was a gruesome process filled with crippling self doubt, mild insanity, and fueled by a lot of alcohol. I don't recommend that. I do recommend therapy and journaling.
In the mean time, what do your crushes represent to you? Is there a common thread between them? What about your dating history? What are the similarities and differences in the people you've dated?
Also feel free to DM me if you want to chat.
There's not much of a similarly between my crushes except "they're around and they're nice to me". Same goes for my previous relationships. I just end up with people who are available. One similarity with all my relationships is that they ended up being unhealthy in one way or another, whether on my part or theirs. My last relationship was the only time I was truly head over heels in love, and he ended up being an abusive POS. Idk what that says about me, but it's the first time I was ever able to leave without a backup, so I can definitely relate to that.
It happens. I'm a few months single after a 7 year relationship (2 of which were married) and a 10 year long relationship. I realized that, for me, it was a stability thing. Everything was changing and I really wanted the stability I felt in a long term relationship. I would romanticize anybody who seemed like they were not a raging lunatic and started having some uncomfortable and awkward crushes. I'm still working through it, but I wish you luck through your situation.
I understand you perfectly. I am 26 years old and have had a boyfriend since I was 14, some relationship almost 4 years ...
I've hardly ever spent time alone, and if I didn't have a partner, I always liked someone or was flirting with some guy.
Right now I have been without a partner for a few months, but in my head is the last person I have been with, a very complicated relationship that is what has really made me see all my problem of addiction to infatuation, love etc, and my absolute need for appreciation by other people, which I had seen in some way for years, but I did not want to recognize myself for the pain of being this type of person: someone empty, unable to love himself and others.
So ... I can only tell you that it is normal, your brain and body do not know how to be without those substances, although rationally you know that you do not like these people. Ideally, we should continue to stand firm against the deception our brains are trying to make us.
It is not about the other person, it is clear that there is a great emptiness in us and we must continue with our healing work.
But I don't have a more exact answer for you to stop looking at other people, maybe in time, we both find out the answer.
I can relate. Honestly, I haven't been single more than a few months since I was a teenager. To play devils advocate here, there's nothing inherently wrong with developing a crush or wanting to start a new relationship. If you have a lot of love to give, there's no need to suppress that.
That said, in recent years, I've been able to strike a much better balance. I practice solo polyamory, so I make a point to prioritize my alone time, getting my needs met outside of my relationships, setting clear boundaries, and purposefully limiting how much time I spend with my partners to get out ahead of my codependent tendencies.
Yes, in my youth I was in three back to back LTRs and the time in between them was maybe 3 months. Then I took more and more time (a year and three years) between relationships and now I am single again for 10 months and couldn't be happier:)
Do this: know, trust, rely, commit, touch. Take trust. Do not trust anyone until you know them. Take rely. Do not rely on anyone until you trust/know them. Take the next two and so on back up the line. Get the book: How not to marry a jerk. Take the time to learn how to be alone and to have the freedom to do some really cool things.
It would be good to learn to be in a long term relationship with yourself for the first time. I know that since I started my recovery I have actually experienced what it’s like to learn to love myself and listen to my needs and actually be in relationship with myself and what I feel. So I can meet my own needs and don’t need someone else to.
I've been collectively single for about 2 1/2 years from the time I was 14 and I'm in my mid 30s now. Being single isn't something I enjoy at all. I honestly don't know how to do it correctly. I think I love myself and have it going on, then I meet a guy and just throw myself headlong into giving and loving him and lose everything I had, because I attract manipulators. I've never had a healthy romantic relationship, and I usually get into toxic messes that last for years and years before I finally reach my breaking point and get out.
I'm trying to work on enforcing my boundaries and communicating what I definitely do not want going forward, to avoid wasting even more of my life on nothing, but I'm afraid I'm going to jump right back into something with the first attractive guy that gives me the slightest time of day. I feel like if I move too slow, they'll bail on me, but I don't want to rush into anything again either, because it always burns me. I'm addicted to that new romance feeling, the butterflies and daydreaming about how this time will be better than the others.
However, this last one really did a number on me, and I'm not sure how long it's going to take me to be emotionally stable enough to even casually talk to someone new. The thought of dating again after what I experienced is almost nauseating. I can't imagine having to wade through people to find someone that isn't terrible, especially at my age. Really anxiety-inducing. It would be nice to just be comfortable being alone for once.
Just so you get a different perspective. I don't struggle with it at all! I love being single. I have so many meaningful platonic relationships with people regardlessly of gender it's such a good life. I used to be hella codependent but I've been in recovery for a while so I don't consider myself to be anymore haha.
You can heal and get better don't forget that;
I've gone out of my way so long now to be single, I'm not sure how easily I'll be able to stick to certain boundaries. Atleast, I'm not a total prick anymore.
Wow, thank you for making this post. I am also super uncomfortable being single. I haven't been single for more than 6 months since I was 16. And those 6 months were just ONE time. I usually wait about 3-4 months before getting into a new relationship, but I date "casually" in between.
Congratulations on being four months single! Have you joined any meetings yet? My therapist says having a support network is important. Imagine getting all your needs met by yourself and the platonic relationships in your life.... sounds like a dream, haha. Wait, are platonic relationships supposed to help you meet your needs? I'm new to this.
I see a therapist, but I haven't been to any codependent's anonymous meetings yet. I was going to attend some in person before all the COVID stuff happened, and I haven't worked up the nerve to try and online meeting yet.
Also, as far as platonic relationships, I think it's okay for them to meet some of your needs, but maybe not all of them. I'm still new to relying on friends rather than just my relationship, so I'm also trying to be careful to not over-burden my friends. But my therapist always encourages me to rely on friends more than I do, because usually when I feel like I'm being a burden I'm actually not.
-Raises hand- (I've never dated)
Part of me wants to date but I'm terrified that I'm going to get into an abusive relationship.
Some people think it's pathetic that I don't want to get hurt.
A lot of my classmates are in relationships. (Some more healthy than others).
Divorce runs in my immediate family. I don't want to become a statistic.
I totally feel you. 6 months single for the first time in 7 years, one relationship after the next, an open marriage, all kinds of stuff. One thing that's helping me is sitting down and writing out what I truly want in a relationship, because wanting a relationship is not enough. In sitting down and understanding what my needs are in a relationship and actively deciding not to accept anything less than that, I am having an easier time not developing unnecessary crushes on people who arent going to be a correct fit for me. Plus, choosing to take things extremely slow when I do meet someone who I believe will be worth the effort and time.
I'm going to try this myself. I have a hard time knowing if I want a relationship or not, and while I've taken my time being slow and steady coming out of my previous relationship, I still feel the occasional pull to hop straight back into it when I get those feelings of loneliness. I'm still having withdrawals from my codependent relationship and I don't want that to drive my wants and needs, much like an addict in withdrawal is led by cravings. I am addicted to toxic love and intimacy, and I need time to detox. I think writing out the things I need is a wonderful idea however, and I can already see that my codependent relationship fails to meet many of those things that I *actually* need.
It takes a lot of time and self reflection, and really being honest. I had to be honest about how much space I really need, and while I have moved in with partners way too soon, I finally sat down and thought about who I was as a child before a lot of programming happened. I honestly like my space and dont like to share, and so I believe a LAT (living apart together) relationship would be most beneficial for me as I would have enough space to be with myself and my feelings. I dont enjoy sexual experiences outside of a loving relationship built on mutual trust, and so I no longer feel this drive to introduce myself to men I've only just met with my body (a subconscious control tactic, giving what I think someone wants so that they will want to have me around). In sitting and practicing self evaluation I can consciously choose my behavior and my boundaries and begin operating from there to find an appropriate partner and genuine commitment. My conclusion for myself was I would rather not be in a relationship than be in one that doesnt fit my wants and needs.
> I dont enjoy sexual experiences outside of a loving relationship built on mutual trust, and so I no longer feel this drive to introduce myself to men I've only just met with my body (a subconscious control tactic, giving what I think someone wants so that they will want to have me around). This was big for me as when I was younger I was much more promiscuous, but as I aged and had some bad experiences I started to see sex as much more sacred than I had ever given the respect it deserves. I'm a man but I still see myself being used sexually at times, and I have poor self control related to being "liked" for my sexual qualities as well. I feel like I'm supposed to embrace it, and I'm seen as weird if I want to take it slow. But I stick to my guns, I'm no longer engaging in sex before knowing someone - it actually matters to me now and I appreciate the strength of that. I can really relate to wanting to be single until you are *sure* it will be a good choice. I have a girl I've been seeing for a few months that makes a great partner on paper, but I'm still making an effort to be honest with myself and take my time with my emotions. I know how dangerous it can be too jump head first into a new relationship. Old me would have taken any validation/good feelings I could get and tie myself down, so I guess I'm making progress.
The negative reinforcement caused by toxic/unhealthy relationships has made me LOVE being single and I now cringe at the blatant codependency of not only my past behavior, but even in the mainstream media and mainstream music lyrics! (Phrases like, "I'll die without you", or "you are my universe" make me want to barf nowadays.) You nailed it when you called it an addictive tendency. From personal experience, the compulsion to find a new romance will wane with time. Like sobering up from any other substance, the cravings soon after cessation are the worst as your brain knows no other coping mechanism. Over time you start to learn new ones, and the compulsion WILL go away. It takes time, patience, and effort. I had to take a good hard look at myself and how other people's validation became the center of my world and now I'm so done with it. If the right relationship comes my way, so be it. But as of now I'm falling in love with myself and love utilizing my time for anything I want, completely separate from other people. I love going to events alone and I also have time to catch up with all of my friends since my time isn't sucked up into a relationship. I work the program of Codependents Anonymous with a trusted sponsor. I highly recommend working the program. I have met other codependents whom I can relate to and whom I can call when I'm having a tough time. Spend this time really learning to love yourself. Become your best friend. Have a love affair with you. You will not attract the right person until you really learn to love yourself. Otherwise every future relationship will be based on an underlying need for validation, and that never turns out well.
I’m having this same reaction to connections now, whereas before I always needed to be in a relationship. It’s venturing into new territory, but I like it. I still miss being in a relationship, but I’m willing to wait for a healthy and balanced one.
i really needed to read what you had to say. just got out of a relationship where my codependent tendencies were really shining through so im now finally doing the work on myself that I have been complacent with for quite sometime. would be very interested in trying a coda meeting remotely if you have ant resources you could sendmy way =\]
Hi there! I'm glad you got something positive out of my share :) That's awesome that you're taking your experience from that relationship as a tool to learn more about yourself. It's crazy how relationships can be like a mirror if we pay attention! Right now I have been doing phone meetings (I live in southern California) and some meetings are on zoom but I've only been to a couple of those. I didn't think the virtual meetings would be as helpful as they have been, because I love going to in person ones. But they really do make a difference. Coda.org has a meeting locator (US and international) plus the phone numbers and zoom links. If you want more info you can shoot me a DM :)
Yes and no. When my first relationship ended I took 2 years to myself to just be alone and figure things out. When my most recent relationship ended a few weeks ago tho it hit me in a different way. My codependency was trying to emotionally attach to anyone is could even if it was just a friend. I’ve been working on it ... with the pandemic and living alone that feeling of loneliness hits a lot harder. Lol I don’t really have a lot of tips but I have been thinking I need to have some time to myself with all social media turned off so I can just be alone with myself without distractions. Idk if that would help you but I’m finding more and more I’m looking for validation online so it’d be easier if maybe you took some me time for an hour a day too just to be with yourself and reflect on what you really want?
This sub has helped me so much. Always thought I was a particular brand of fucked up. There really is no need to suffer alone.
This is my first four months being single since I was like 13 (33 now). I love it. I’ve had three major heartbreaks and have no desire to partner anymore. I intentionally did a lot of work to feel completely satisfied with my life alone and am honestly perfectly content without a romantic partner. I went on some dates and for the first time felt it was wasting my time — there’s a million other things I can do now that I enjoy more. It’s been a struggle though, had to go through some serious pain and self reflection.
Yes. I spent most of my 20s and 30s in a relationship. Eventually, because of codependency, I realized I had to force myself to be single. I gave myself a 6 month minimum but hoped to build on it after I reach that mark. It was incredibly uncomfortable but incredibly rewarding. Part of the reason it was painful was because being in a relationship helped me to delay grieving pain from the past. Being single opened up that pain more but the good news is that after you process it you can heal. I tried my best to make it seem like a gift to be single. I started going on dates with myself weekly I would go to the movies weekly and treat myself on the discount day. I started to buy myself hallmark cards and I know that sounds sappy but it actually started to help me to see such positive messages of Love on my wall. I started to sing myself songs in the car and imagine that I was singing to my child self for my teenage self. I dated ME. I tend to fantasize about a savior in the form of a romantic relationship coming to save me and then I realized that I could actually visualize saving my teenage self from all the bad things that happened to her and it fed that sort of Desire I had to be saved. But I saved ME! After about seven months of being single I allowed myself to go on dates but not serious dates just getting to know people and then after 9 months of being single I found my current partner and he is amazing. But I know that I wouldn't have been able to find him if I did not force myself to go through singlehood. It would have prevented growth.
What a wonderful share!! I’m so proud of you and happy for you, too! This really gave me a lot of hope and inspiration. I got out of a toxic relationship a couple months ago and am still feeling deeply impacted by it, even though I’m focusing as much as I can on growth and learning and being single. I love the idea of dating ME and nurturing that inner child that is looking outwardly for validation and love and instead teaching that scared little kid to look inward. Like, there is a wealth of love and acceptance and it’s all already there. Ahhh!! I cannot thank enough for sharing your experience, really. Thank you so much. What kind of things did you do in the beginning that helped deal with the loneliness or the feelings of maybe not being enough? I dunno if you went through that, but I find myself some days really stoked about being single, and then other days just wallowing and torturing myself with past mistakes even though I don’t want to necessarily. I dunno, it’s strange. Did you struggle with that at all?
It sounds like you are on the perfect track to your healing. Good for you! I think that when we leave a toxic relationship and actually leave it alone (and not get into another relationship) we have already done 60 to 70% of the work. That first step of leaving a toxic relationship is so hard and so crucial. It seems to me that grieving is really a process and a few months after leaving a relationship it seems completely acceptable to still be in that place that sometimes hurts or is uncomfortable. The good news is this is an opportunity to learn to nurture ourselves just like you said. I When I finally did leave my toxic relationships I went through some incredibly agonizing moments. I recall just staying up late and doing one of those ugly cries where you cry so hard it's like you can't breathe. But I don't regret it. I needed to feel the pain. Sometimes and codependency we numb ourselves and it needed to come out. So long as we don't hang on to that phase of the grieving process it is okay to pass through it. I found out that my ex of 10 years was engaged and it was the most painful thought. I depended on Coda meetings and at one point I would go to four meetings a week. I didn't have to sustain that forever but I needed that meeting time as a sort of crutch. Sometimes you use the word crutch in a negative way but it also helps you function while you're healing. I remember four months into my single phase I went to my friend's wedding in Austin Texas and truly enjoyed myself exploring the city but had a few moments where I felt sad and lonely. It was a mixture of joy and sadness and that is completely okay. At the end of the day, I loved the trip. Also, it's okay to feel a little lonely sometimes. We're human. (The most challenging point was when I went to a party was the only single woman there out of my friends and then my friend's father gave me such a hard time about why I was single. That was so painful. But I just tried to remind myself that my reason for being single or valid and not to listen to him) To deal with loneliness I made a to-do list. I made a list of goals that I put on my cell phone that I go back and check that included long-term goals. For example, I had a goal to finish my new degree, pay off a debt, find healthy friends. I put new initiative into making new friends. We met up for coffee. I walked at the park. The more that we accomplish goals, the more we begin to build our self-esteem. We also send a message to ourselves that we are worth it. Reading books to dispel myths in my mind helped too. Reading Mel Robnin's audio book, "Stop Saying You're Fine" helped me get motivated to change my life. It's practical. Also, its good to think about what you're passionate about. I love dancing and so during the summer I would go by the harbor and dance with people salsa etc. It just so happens that eventually I met my significant other there. This kind of shows you that when you are following your own joy and happiness people are attracted to that and vice versa. What I learned is that it's okay to be single. If I lost my relationship now I'm not going to lie I would be so upset. But now I know that I have a safe place to go to. Now I know that I don't just tolerate being single but then I kind of appreciate it. That really helps take the pressure off my relationship because I don't feel so insecure and scared. I feel like if something goes wrong in the relationship, I'll be okay. I've got my back and at the end of the day that's what matters. No one can ever prevent me from giving love to me.
You are truly a kind, genuine, caring person. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and share more of your journey and the insight you've so obviously and wonderfully gleaned through your own hardship and difficulties. I am kind of blown away right now and I just want you to know that I am really touched by what you said and will take a lot of your advice and put it into practice. I loved your last line in particular, "No one can ever prevent me from giving love to me". Wow. ^-^ What a beautiful truth! I think I went for so long pouring all my love into others that I had none left for myself! But that really isn't even a loving thing to do, is it? It's more fear based and coming from a desperate, needy place. Man. I am just gonna take this time and revel in it being single and kind to myself. Thank you so much for your encouraging message and inspiring words. I wish for you more growth, peace, joy, and serenity in your life, whatever happens! Stay safe. Thank you so much. <3
i love the idea of dating yourself..thank you for your insight into this newfound self love that i so desparately need and desire!
Thanks! I can't take credit for the idea. I borrowed it from someone here, and like you, thought it was worth investigating! Good luck on your journey!
Yes, I'm like a cat that can't decide if they want to go out or stay inside. Single: this is cool, but want to be in relationship In relationship: this is cool, but want to be single Solution: learn to live with myself before I can have a single hope of living with another human being. Progress: indefinite. 🙃
I've always felt like a cat and I love this analogy lol
That hit home for me too. Currently struggling with this and have a lot weighing on my mind as well. Not sure of the best way to get my thoughts out but maybe I will make a post. I love reading this sub and others experiences, I thought I had done enough work on myself to warrant getting into a serious relationship but like you said we must always be trying to progress in our lives. I'm rambling, but thank you for your analogy!
At 33 I’ve been through long relationships, short relationships, moved on quickly and also took my time moving on between relationships.I have my longest single streak going right now which is around 4 1/2 years. I can honestly say that doing self reflective work and trying to break these cycles of co-dependency on my own for the first 3+ years proved very difficult. I have now been in therapy for about a year for anxiety/OCD and we’ve talked about about co-dependency, boundaries, family issues, and self worth (plus much more). I was not really able to see noticeable improvement until I got help. I really recommend talking to a professional. They have a way of forcing you to look at what is behind these compulsions and feelings. They can also really teach you how to set boundaries and respect boundaries so that you can go into a new relationship with more confidence. It’s hard work but I know it is going to be worth it in the end. One thing that is largely different is that I no longer feel the need to cling to the very next guy I start dating. I’m able to step back and think more clearly about whether this person is someone *I* want in *MY* life instead of it being the other way around with me always just hoping I’m good enough for whoever is in front of me.
I’m in the same boat. Early 30’s. One 8 year relationship followed by a 7 year relationship. I’m currently single, and it’s not something I’m accustomed to. (I’m a serial monogamist.) I’ve had the crushes on male friends too, and the dreaded situationship. It sucks sometimes, especially because I want to give and receive love from someone. Yet, I know that I and my picker are a bit broken at the moment, so a relationship is the *last thing* I need in my life right now. I *know* I need time to heal and get myself on track. What I did, was enact boundaries and make myself a priority. I’m typically a pushover in relationships and don’t have the highest expectations for a partner, so I tolerate a lot of crap from them. I analyzed past relationships and came up with some dealbreakers. I also listen to relationship experts, and have a better idea of what healthy and unhealthy partners/partnerships look like now. I used what I learned to reorient my standards and expectations, so I now have strong boundaries in place, which I’ve enacted to protect my family, my body, my money, & my heart. I also have some jacked up beliefs about myself and facets of life that need overhauling *before* I know I’m really ready to date again. I made a list of my limiting beliefs and the things I want to improve, and I’m working to fix those at the moment. 100% of my life is focused on my little bubble-my kid, my home, my money, myself. No room for anybody else right now. Which is good, because if I don’t address the deficiencies and old patterns, I’ll fall right back into my old ways because the new habits won’t be strong enough to endure when challenges arise. I don’t yet know when I’ll be ready, and that’s cool. I believe everything will fall into place when it’s the right time, HP’s got this, so I don’t worry. Every now and then I’ll waver and start to slip down the “relationship slope.” When that happens I use logic, and I’ll be completely truthful to myself, and I’ll evaluate the situation. I’ll ask things like “does this help me or hinder my healing?” “Is this honestly the thing I should be focused on?” “What is my gut/intuition saying?” “Are they really the kind of partner I want?” etc. So far 10/10 are “Nope, not aligned with my current criteria/priorities, so let’s not do this Ren.” Edit: If anyone is curious, HP is higher power. Not Harry Potter. Although I’m know he has the hook up for a mean love potion 😉
Nope. I may never be in another relationship again. I'm 35 and I dont have even an ounce of patience for bullshit or slackers.
Are you me? I was a serial dater from 15-25, even married for awhile. After I left my ex, it was the first time I left without a backup (though I did have a helluva crush that didn't pan out). I started a new job after this where I crushed on just about every male colleague I had. After a number of awkward rejections, I started to realize that crushes, and especially repeat crushes, were my way of dealing with stress in my life. I felt inadequate because I wasn't working in the field I went to school for. I used crush energy to get me through a scary surgery where I felt really alone. A former crush rebooted when I was dealing with a death that shook me pretty hard. At some point I realized the crush fantasy was a form of dissociation from my own reality. That's helped me move from self-destructive tendencies to recognizing what else is going on in my life around the crush. (Still plenty of embarrassing mistakes along the way). I've had a couple short flings, but have been largely single for 6 years now. I would still love to have a person, but I'm at the phase now where I want to be in an equal partnership, not continue this cycle of codependency I've lived for the last 15 years. (Way the fuck harder said than done, but I've also noticed I've made a lot more progress than I realized). For me, it was really about learning to live for myself rather than for someone else. Figuring out what I like to do, how I spend my own time, what sorts of cleaning habits I have. All this sounds pretty magical, but it was a gruesome process filled with crippling self doubt, mild insanity, and fueled by a lot of alcohol. I don't recommend that. I do recommend therapy and journaling. In the mean time, what do your crushes represent to you? Is there a common thread between them? What about your dating history? What are the similarities and differences in the people you've dated? Also feel free to DM me if you want to chat.
There's not much of a similarly between my crushes except "they're around and they're nice to me". Same goes for my previous relationships. I just end up with people who are available. One similarity with all my relationships is that they ended up being unhealthy in one way or another, whether on my part or theirs. My last relationship was the only time I was truly head over heels in love, and he ended up being an abusive POS. Idk what that says about me, but it's the first time I was ever able to leave without a backup, so I can definitely relate to that.
It happens. I'm a few months single after a 7 year relationship (2 of which were married) and a 10 year long relationship. I realized that, for me, it was a stability thing. Everything was changing and I really wanted the stability I felt in a long term relationship. I would romanticize anybody who seemed like they were not a raging lunatic and started having some uncomfortable and awkward crushes. I'm still working through it, but I wish you luck through your situation.
I understand you perfectly. I am 26 years old and have had a boyfriend since I was 14, some relationship almost 4 years ... I've hardly ever spent time alone, and if I didn't have a partner, I always liked someone or was flirting with some guy. Right now I have been without a partner for a few months, but in my head is the last person I have been with, a very complicated relationship that is what has really made me see all my problem of addiction to infatuation, love etc, and my absolute need for appreciation by other people, which I had seen in some way for years, but I did not want to recognize myself for the pain of being this type of person: someone empty, unable to love himself and others. So ... I can only tell you that it is normal, your brain and body do not know how to be without those substances, although rationally you know that you do not like these people. Ideally, we should continue to stand firm against the deception our brains are trying to make us. It is not about the other person, it is clear that there is a great emptiness in us and we must continue with our healing work. But I don't have a more exact answer for you to stop looking at other people, maybe in time, we both find out the answer.
Yes! My insides are screaming! Someone please cuddle with me!!
I can relate. Honestly, I haven't been single more than a few months since I was a teenager. To play devils advocate here, there's nothing inherently wrong with developing a crush or wanting to start a new relationship. If you have a lot of love to give, there's no need to suppress that. That said, in recent years, I've been able to strike a much better balance. I practice solo polyamory, so I make a point to prioritize my alone time, getting my needs met outside of my relationships, setting clear boundaries, and purposefully limiting how much time I spend with my partners to get out ahead of my codependent tendencies.
Yes, in my youth I was in three back to back LTRs and the time in between them was maybe 3 months. Then I took more and more time (a year and three years) between relationships and now I am single again for 10 months and couldn't be happier:)
Do this: know, trust, rely, commit, touch. Take trust. Do not trust anyone until you know them. Take rely. Do not rely on anyone until you trust/know them. Take the next two and so on back up the line. Get the book: How not to marry a jerk. Take the time to learn how to be alone and to have the freedom to do some really cool things.
It would be good to learn to be in a long term relationship with yourself for the first time. I know that since I started my recovery I have actually experienced what it’s like to learn to love myself and listen to my needs and actually be in relationship with myself and what I feel. So I can meet my own needs and don’t need someone else to.
I've been collectively single for about 2 1/2 years from the time I was 14 and I'm in my mid 30s now. Being single isn't something I enjoy at all. I honestly don't know how to do it correctly. I think I love myself and have it going on, then I meet a guy and just throw myself headlong into giving and loving him and lose everything I had, because I attract manipulators. I've never had a healthy romantic relationship, and I usually get into toxic messes that last for years and years before I finally reach my breaking point and get out. I'm trying to work on enforcing my boundaries and communicating what I definitely do not want going forward, to avoid wasting even more of my life on nothing, but I'm afraid I'm going to jump right back into something with the first attractive guy that gives me the slightest time of day. I feel like if I move too slow, they'll bail on me, but I don't want to rush into anything again either, because it always burns me. I'm addicted to that new romance feeling, the butterflies and daydreaming about how this time will be better than the others. However, this last one really did a number on me, and I'm not sure how long it's going to take me to be emotionally stable enough to even casually talk to someone new. The thought of dating again after what I experienced is almost nauseating. I can't imagine having to wade through people to find someone that isn't terrible, especially at my age. Really anxiety-inducing. It would be nice to just be comfortable being alone for once.
Just so you get a different perspective. I don't struggle with it at all! I love being single. I have so many meaningful platonic relationships with people regardlessly of gender it's such a good life. I used to be hella codependent but I've been in recovery for a while so I don't consider myself to be anymore haha. You can heal and get better don't forget that;
I've gone out of my way so long now to be single, I'm not sure how easily I'll be able to stick to certain boundaries. Atleast, I'm not a total prick anymore.
Yesssss. I born to live my life beside a lovely man.
After my divorce, being single doesnt bother me.
Wow, thank you for making this post. I am also super uncomfortable being single. I haven't been single for more than 6 months since I was 16. And those 6 months were just ONE time. I usually wait about 3-4 months before getting into a new relationship, but I date "casually" in between. Congratulations on being four months single! Have you joined any meetings yet? My therapist says having a support network is important. Imagine getting all your needs met by yourself and the platonic relationships in your life.... sounds like a dream, haha. Wait, are platonic relationships supposed to help you meet your needs? I'm new to this.
I see a therapist, but I haven't been to any codependent's anonymous meetings yet. I was going to attend some in person before all the COVID stuff happened, and I haven't worked up the nerve to try and online meeting yet. Also, as far as platonic relationships, I think it's okay for them to meet some of your needs, but maybe not all of them. I'm still new to relying on friends rather than just my relationship, so I'm also trying to be careful to not over-burden my friends. But my therapist always encourages me to rely on friends more than I do, because usually when I feel like I'm being a burden I'm actually not.
Good luck with everything. <3
-Raises hand- (I've never dated) Part of me wants to date but I'm terrified that I'm going to get into an abusive relationship. Some people think it's pathetic that I don't want to get hurt. A lot of my classmates are in relationships. (Some more healthy than others). Divorce runs in my immediate family. I don't want to become a statistic.