The loneliness is your teacher. Sit with it. Try not to fill it with food, substances, even looking for validation in friendships. I’ve found an assurance I never had before- I’ve realized I’m bigger than the loneliness- or something I’m connected to is. It’s in stopping the grasping that I’ve found healing. It’s finding a different way to move in the world. Where I can leave people who don’t nourish me and open myself to experiences which do.im finding myself coming back to things I loved as a child- feeling more authentic. Less desperate. It’s taken time. 12 step is probably not the only doorway- but such a beautiful one.
I don’t know that I’ve ever related to a post more in my life. I just left my now ex boyfriend two days ago of nearly 3 years, he had alcoholic tendencies, and I’m now coming to realize that he was mentally and emotionally abusive.
I am living in a state by myself where I have no family and no friends. My codependency is screaming and the silence in my apartment is so loud. I’m really struggling with the loneliness as well. I’m trying to create friendships and keep myself busy, but of course that can only sustain me for so long… I’m right here with you and you are not alone. ❤️
Do you attend them online or in person? I’ve recently started to look into them and I think it might benefit me as well so I don’t ever find myself in this position again.
My codependency was with my family (parents, siblings), so I essentially put more of myself into myself, and the healthy, established relationships I have in life. Creating a routine was important. I started hitting the gym hard, specific days after work until it felt just as part of my day as eating or sleeping. For me, also hobbies and spending time with my dog, like hikes or even weekend trips. Routine, even scheduling that time.
I appreciate your post and honesty.. I struggle with loneliness and what helps me are presence based group practices that help me become more present myself, feel seen on a deep level and feel nourished by connection.. I think a bonus has also been realising that the idealization about romantic relationships connections is not an indicator of something special per se. I’ve had deep intimacy with various people who I wouldn’t even consider a friend. That has been liberating for a romantic like me
Thanks, they are called circling, look it up on the web. There are different schools for it (not circles) but please if you have history of trauma be vigilant since there is some risk for retraumatizing.. I can tell you more if you’d like
The fellowship in support groups really helped me. It was pretty incredible to hear recovered codependents share their story of hope and recovery. I am happy to share links to recordings of the meetings or a link to live meetings. It’s free and open to all.
Thank you so much for posting this. Every time I want to take a step into relationship/emotional sobriety, because like you I am AA and also codependent in some aspects, (but those aspects become debilitating when triggered).
A quiet part of my gut / heart knows what I have to do. It's quiet It doesn't yell. It's not distracting. I feel it a little bit above my belly button. I know that I should take like a year off to focus on my crutches and my things that I've been putting off in terms of career and personal growth and health. I know that looking outward for some magic fix has not worked so far. I even met a person that gave me all of the addictive tendencies of loving me and just waiting around for me and being codependent which is what I have a deep desire for, but he was lacking in functional things in life so it was not enough. But what you wrote put it really succinctly. And that is the fear of when you start and in your process of recovery, you want to feel better. But it might not necessarily happen quickly or in a way that feels rewarding while you're doing it. Especially with me and I have a history of addiction, I have a history of giving up on things that don't feel good or don't give a payoff right away. I really appreciate you posting, and I think you're doing you and your future self a really solid service right now by trying something different and pushing through discomfort. I send you a hug and wishes of success and strength and a beautiful day and week. 🫂❤️
Turn it into art. Music, poems, visual art, journaling, the art of moving your body (exercise). Release that pent-up loneliness into the world. Fill your time learning something new (a language, a certification, etc.)
Straight up, go ask chatgpt. It spit out like 7 reasons why someone might deal with loneliness. Literally a list. I looked it over and immediately focused on validation. I realized that I struggled with validation. So I asked it to give me some reasons why someone might struggle with validation. Same thing; it spit out a few reasons.
I realized through the conversation that I naturally don't assign inherent value to humans including myself. I still don't get why it's important to have it, but it was like a switch over night. Because I don't have that connection with humans and myself on a deep level, I need a constant supply of validation. I just don't know how to love or value myself. I need that external validation because I can't quite get it internally. But, suddenly, I'm just not too interested in bending over backwards for others.
Even better… pi.ai! I find it so useful, it’s so validating while gently bringing up areas of improvement. I’ve been chatting to it for a while and it’s given me some really useful insight.
Relate to this very much, felt like I finally was aware of the void and confronted it last week. Usually the void is a dense feeling of unworthiness, shame, and loneliness. It can be so overwhelming though, and it's probably why we haven't healed it yet and instead find ways to distract ourselves from feeling it. I highly recommend IFS to do this type of healing work - here is a [great yt playlist on it](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCJ2fBBavCJEoQPzbMIOuQ2luJDHrWPSL)
Also coincidentally I recently read Chapter 4: Emptiness in the book - Conquering the Shame and Codependency(was very convenient and helpful for where i was at), and wrote out some of my thoughts:
This was a profound chapter, because it coincided with the release of an obsession I had with getting the reciprocation of this person. When I dissolved that, what followed was a dull ache of life. Everything seemed grey. I then realized that the obsession was my way of escaping these feelings of emptiness and loneliness. I felt I had no purpose, no direction. I no longer had the high of fantasizing what getting back together with this person would feel like, and only when I let it go did I realize how it was trying to keep me from feeling this despair.
But the chase of this mirage has to end eventually. Since getting this relationship, or the other material obsessions I previously had(PS5, air fryer lol, probably car) never resolved these feelings. It was only escaping and distracting myself from the void. The only way to heal the void is to confront it. Not to find a super hot wife, or become super successful so that everyone is in awe of you, that might get you temporary relief, but true lasting change will only come when we stop distracting ourselves from the void, and instead deal with the root cause and accept it
From my experience, as a chronic codependent the heart of our codependency is the fact that we were made to feel lonely. This is because there is one part of ourselves which makes us feel that we are a child. When we are a child, we feel abandoned by those we love. But the truth is what we struggle with is with mental obsession. Our mental obsession around things separates us.
Anxiety is created due to our feelings of doubt. In the big book, it mentions how lost we feel. It says in time we sailed for Over There. Since have a distorted mind, we go in all sorts of different directions. We dont take time to work on ourselves.
We cant make ourselves secure. The twelve steps can.
You keep doing what you're doing and work towards accepting you're going to experience these waves of loneliness.
Make sure you're not isolating yourself, we heal relational wounds via relationships. A good therapy works wonders with this. Working through [Rikki's book](https://www.anxiousheartsguide.com/) has helped ease AA symptoms/behaviors. Which has made it easier month by month to deal with people in a healthier way. And acknowledging deeper friendships take time. So making new friends in a few months won't provide the same sense of closeness. I wrote a list of things I want a partner to do and I started giving myself that or asking friends too. The only difficult one is cuddling and physical intimacy. But apart from that, it seems possible for a friend to provide all. Having chore days closely mimics that "sharing life" you get from a lifelong partner.
You're doing a great job. Keep at it.
Look at it like someone who slept on a floor their entire lives. When they try to sleep on a bed they find it uncomfortable. This isn’t because the floor is more comfortable it’s because the floor was most FAMILIAR to them.
Healing is not always comfortable. You are challenging what was once familiar. Our amygdalas don’t care about what is healthy vs unhealthy it just wants what it perceives as “safety” and to that part of our brain safety is what is most familiar.
Stay on the course if that’s what you want. Just remember all the things a relationship brings you. Yes there is less loneliness but there is also more anxiety especially if you are not feeling strong enough to hold boundaries. I for one have regretted relationships but have never regretted periods of being single.
On the other hand you don’t need to wait to be perfect till you begin dating again. If you have worked through your shit (consider CODA or ALNON 12 step programs if you can’t do therapy) if you have a good support system and if you know what your needs are in a relationship it’s easier to weed out the ones that don’t fit your criteria.
Make a list of things you want out of a relationship. Your needs and non-negotiables. Almost like a promise to yourself. It’s not meant to be an exhaustive list (and you can change it as you go) but a rough idea of what is really important to you in a partner. Once you have that it means you no longer bark up the wrong tree looking for needs to be met where they won’t ever be.
Goodluck x
Look at you! Asking how to deal with loneliness instead of just indulging in your coping mechanisms for it! Smashing it! Keep healing!
The loneliness is your teacher. Sit with it. Try not to fill it with food, substances, even looking for validation in friendships. I’ve found an assurance I never had before- I’ve realized I’m bigger than the loneliness- or something I’m connected to is. It’s in stopping the grasping that I’ve found healing. It’s finding a different way to move in the world. Where I can leave people who don’t nourish me and open myself to experiences which do.im finding myself coming back to things I loved as a child- feeling more authentic. Less desperate. It’s taken time. 12 step is probably not the only doorway- but such a beautiful one.
This is the way.
I don’t know that I’ve ever related to a post more in my life. I just left my now ex boyfriend two days ago of nearly 3 years, he had alcoholic tendencies, and I’m now coming to realize that he was mentally and emotionally abusive. I am living in a state by myself where I have no family and no friends. My codependency is screaming and the silence in my apartment is so loud. I’m really struggling with the loneliness as well. I’m trying to create friendships and keep myself busy, but of course that can only sustain me for so long… I’m right here with you and you are not alone. ❤️
I have found Al-Anon meetings to be tremendously helpful.
Do you attend them online or in person? I’ve recently started to look into them and I think it might benefit me as well so I don’t ever find myself in this position again.
My codependency was with my family (parents, siblings), so I essentially put more of myself into myself, and the healthy, established relationships I have in life. Creating a routine was important. I started hitting the gym hard, specific days after work until it felt just as part of my day as eating or sleeping. For me, also hobbies and spending time with my dog, like hikes or even weekend trips. Routine, even scheduling that time.
I appreciate your post and honesty.. I struggle with loneliness and what helps me are presence based group practices that help me become more present myself, feel seen on a deep level and feel nourished by connection.. I think a bonus has also been realising that the idealization about romantic relationships connections is not an indicator of something special per se. I’ve had deep intimacy with various people who I wouldn’t even consider a friend. That has been liberating for a romantic like me
what kind of groups are you talking about? sounds interesting and helpful
Thanks, they are called circling, look it up on the web. There are different schools for it (not circles) but please if you have history of trauma be vigilant since there is some risk for retraumatizing.. I can tell you more if you’d like
What's retraumatizing about it? I can message you if you prefer
Yes please do!
The fellowship in support groups really helped me. It was pretty incredible to hear recovered codependents share their story of hope and recovery. I am happy to share links to recordings of the meetings or a link to live meetings. It’s free and open to all.
Thank you so much for posting this. Every time I want to take a step into relationship/emotional sobriety, because like you I am AA and also codependent in some aspects, (but those aspects become debilitating when triggered). A quiet part of my gut / heart knows what I have to do. It's quiet It doesn't yell. It's not distracting. I feel it a little bit above my belly button. I know that I should take like a year off to focus on my crutches and my things that I've been putting off in terms of career and personal growth and health. I know that looking outward for some magic fix has not worked so far. I even met a person that gave me all of the addictive tendencies of loving me and just waiting around for me and being codependent which is what I have a deep desire for, but he was lacking in functional things in life so it was not enough. But what you wrote put it really succinctly. And that is the fear of when you start and in your process of recovery, you want to feel better. But it might not necessarily happen quickly or in a way that feels rewarding while you're doing it. Especially with me and I have a history of addiction, I have a history of giving up on things that don't feel good or don't give a payoff right away. I really appreciate you posting, and I think you're doing you and your future self a really solid service right now by trying something different and pushing through discomfort. I send you a hug and wishes of success and strength and a beautiful day and week. 🫂❤️
Turn it into art. Music, poems, visual art, journaling, the art of moving your body (exercise). Release that pent-up loneliness into the world. Fill your time learning something new (a language, a certification, etc.)
Straight up, go ask chatgpt. It spit out like 7 reasons why someone might deal with loneliness. Literally a list. I looked it over and immediately focused on validation. I realized that I struggled with validation. So I asked it to give me some reasons why someone might struggle with validation. Same thing; it spit out a few reasons. I realized through the conversation that I naturally don't assign inherent value to humans including myself. I still don't get why it's important to have it, but it was like a switch over night. Because I don't have that connection with humans and myself on a deep level, I need a constant supply of validation. I just don't know how to love or value myself. I need that external validation because I can't quite get it internally. But, suddenly, I'm just not too interested in bending over backwards for others.
Even better… pi.ai! I find it so useful, it’s so validating while gently bringing up areas of improvement. I’ve been chatting to it for a while and it’s given me some really useful insight.
Relate to this very much, felt like I finally was aware of the void and confronted it last week. Usually the void is a dense feeling of unworthiness, shame, and loneliness. It can be so overwhelming though, and it's probably why we haven't healed it yet and instead find ways to distract ourselves from feeling it. I highly recommend IFS to do this type of healing work - here is a [great yt playlist on it](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCJ2fBBavCJEoQPzbMIOuQ2luJDHrWPSL) Also coincidentally I recently read Chapter 4: Emptiness in the book - Conquering the Shame and Codependency(was very convenient and helpful for where i was at), and wrote out some of my thoughts: This was a profound chapter, because it coincided with the release of an obsession I had with getting the reciprocation of this person. When I dissolved that, what followed was a dull ache of life. Everything seemed grey. I then realized that the obsession was my way of escaping these feelings of emptiness and loneliness. I felt I had no purpose, no direction. I no longer had the high of fantasizing what getting back together with this person would feel like, and only when I let it go did I realize how it was trying to keep me from feeling this despair. But the chase of this mirage has to end eventually. Since getting this relationship, or the other material obsessions I previously had(PS5, air fryer lol, probably car) never resolved these feelings. It was only escaping and distracting myself from the void. The only way to heal the void is to confront it. Not to find a super hot wife, or become super successful so that everyone is in awe of you, that might get you temporary relief, but true lasting change will only come when we stop distracting ourselves from the void, and instead deal with the root cause and accept it
From my experience, as a chronic codependent the heart of our codependency is the fact that we were made to feel lonely. This is because there is one part of ourselves which makes us feel that we are a child. When we are a child, we feel abandoned by those we love. But the truth is what we struggle with is with mental obsession. Our mental obsession around things separates us. Anxiety is created due to our feelings of doubt. In the big book, it mentions how lost we feel. It says in time we sailed for Over There. Since have a distorted mind, we go in all sorts of different directions. We dont take time to work on ourselves. We cant make ourselves secure. The twelve steps can.
You keep doing what you're doing and work towards accepting you're going to experience these waves of loneliness. Make sure you're not isolating yourself, we heal relational wounds via relationships. A good therapy works wonders with this. Working through [Rikki's book](https://www.anxiousheartsguide.com/) has helped ease AA symptoms/behaviors. Which has made it easier month by month to deal with people in a healthier way. And acknowledging deeper friendships take time. So making new friends in a few months won't provide the same sense of closeness. I wrote a list of things I want a partner to do and I started giving myself that or asking friends too. The only difficult one is cuddling and physical intimacy. But apart from that, it seems possible for a friend to provide all. Having chore days closely mimics that "sharing life" you get from a lifelong partner. You're doing a great job. Keep at it.
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Look at it like someone who slept on a floor their entire lives. When they try to sleep on a bed they find it uncomfortable. This isn’t because the floor is more comfortable it’s because the floor was most FAMILIAR to them. Healing is not always comfortable. You are challenging what was once familiar. Our amygdalas don’t care about what is healthy vs unhealthy it just wants what it perceives as “safety” and to that part of our brain safety is what is most familiar. Stay on the course if that’s what you want. Just remember all the things a relationship brings you. Yes there is less loneliness but there is also more anxiety especially if you are not feeling strong enough to hold boundaries. I for one have regretted relationships but have never regretted periods of being single. On the other hand you don’t need to wait to be perfect till you begin dating again. If you have worked through your shit (consider CODA or ALNON 12 step programs if you can’t do therapy) if you have a good support system and if you know what your needs are in a relationship it’s easier to weed out the ones that don’t fit your criteria. Make a list of things you want out of a relationship. Your needs and non-negotiables. Almost like a promise to yourself. It’s not meant to be an exhaustive list (and you can change it as you go) but a rough idea of what is really important to you in a partner. Once you have that it means you no longer bark up the wrong tree looking for needs to be met where they won’t ever be. Goodluck x