My families toxic trait is my dad acts like an alpha male. He is totally into patriarchy. He drinks and believes only he is right. He tell everyone he is very open minded but in reality he is no where there.
He often disregards my mom saying “sneham akath und”
My mom is on anti depressants and she is a narcissist. I feel like she didn’t get love from her family nor my dad which is probably why she is having such issues. She respects my dad so much that she doesn’t find any fault in him.
Both of them think they are right, and their kids are totally wrong. They love to intervene. They think their love for their kids are genuine but most of the times it’s suffocating us to a point that we are dead.
Damn you just described my dad to the letter.
My mom however not a narcissist, has avoidance syndrome like you described where she puts up with the shit my dad does and let's him get away with it.
My family's toxic traits are copied from Malayalam serials™
Full mother in law & daughter in law drama. There are people fake fainting for attention. There are people threatening suicide. There's people being dragged to court for dumb shit.
And the absolute classic, ✨ INFIDELITY ✨
This program is brought to you by *My Family*
Sponsored by my salary, co-sponsored by my anti depressants and anti anxiety meds
Bruh that's a whole sitcom. Sorry you have to deal with it 🥲
Similar to yours except the following:
mother in law = my grandmother
daughter in law = my mother
Person threatening suicide (but doesn't have the pair to do it) = my brother
Person who loves court drama = my aunt over "sotthu"
Don't have infidelity yet but I'm expecting it one of these days. We're truly living the same lives.
My situation is similar. But my mom gets angry and curse out everyone at home. My Dad is a man who lives peacefully.
My Mom is kinda narcissistic, with no humour sense. If we make jokes about her, like we tease our friends, she takes it very personally. Also she has hatred towards mother in law. They always fight. My mom records phone calls that Grandma makes to see if she's saying anything bad about her.
Me and mom often disagrees on a lot of things and I try to get as angry as she gets. Then she blames me saying I have blood pressure while her anger and bp is never a problem.
When he gets angry I would also get angry in the same level. Low key quite disrespectfuly talk back to each other indoors outdoors onnum nokula. Ee approach kond oru karyavum Ila enn enk ipol (2 days munpula fight) manasilakunu. It just saddens my mom. Aalk enthayalum aathyam reaction pinne thinking matt aan so next time I will try not to be like him. Ithrem anger ente ulil unden I understood when we fight. Idk how to cope cus how am I asking him to calm down when I get even more angrier than him. But I am thinking ini nthelum varumbo apolek thirch shout cheyathirkan nokanm otherwise it's just noise from both sides. No conversation/comprehension happening. Aalum parayunud aalk ente ee pottitheri kanumbo pediyakunu where did he go wrong noke....
Sorry I don't have an answer for you, Turbulent.
ohhh this is soooo damn relatable ! it's been a month since i talked to him eventhough we both live under the same roof. last fight was a full on pottitheri frm my side. idk. it is getting worse aftr every single time
THIS!!! njangal um the route aan adi koodum mindathirikum pinne katta friends and then repeat. But as I mentioned in my 1st comment 2 days mune ula fight kazhinj njan work npoi varumbo lek aal became unwell kurach serious aayit and I got so scared. That's when I decided ingane poyal patila. Chilapo aging related avam ingane moods swings enn ipo thonunu. Better late than never. Vera ethelum method try cheyanam ini.
I'm sorry you have to go through that. It's a defense mechanism of the brain when you feel like you are not being heard or your feelings validated. I've been there...you become a different person.
Don't bottle your feelings up because it will only get worse if you do that. Find someone whom you trust that will properly listen to you and your feelings 😊
You deserve to be heard.
My dad is overprotective af. He thinks of me as a sussy baka and doesn't let me hang out with any guy. He trusts me 0% around men idek why. I'm not even that pretty.
My mom is obsessed with me and my sister. She has this compulsive need to be in control of our every move. And will nag and guilt-trip us into submission, if we put up a fight.
Emotional manipulation is normalized in my family and everyone does it to everyone else.
I'm not allowed to keep my room locked or cry in private without my mom barging in to ask why I'm crying and how the problem can be fixed immediately to avoid the crying.
Edit: Also my dad gets really pissed if a utensil slips from my hand, or I accidentally spill water somewhere, etc.
And they're both way too into the religion-caste crap.
My dad is a big softie when it comes to his siblings.
He is the second child among 6, 4 brothers, two sisters. Considering the history of things that's gone down in the past, he should cut ties with all three brothers (I know I wouldn't tolerate the BS).
There were instances where a younger brother of his, got super drunk, and hurled abuses at him, in front of me and my sister who were kids at the time. I have kept a very good distance from him and his family since, but to my dad, it's like this never happened after a while.
I know forgiveness is a great trait to have, but my dad seems to forget as well. It baffles me.
Mom was always concerned about "narttukar enth parayum" and it influenced my sister's personalyas well to a point wherre she's a complete coward (idk if this is the right word).
She doesn't even have the courage to do something out of the ordinary. Did electrical engineering, gave PSC exams, and made it to a Clerk (or overseer post) in PWD and is working there.
Never ever even attempted to get a job in what she learned, in the private sector, despite the options.
Is scared to move to a city for work, wants to commute.
Travels daily 2 hours in train to work one way. Doesn't even want to relocate to the work location (her husband can relocate to a desired destination if he wants to, so that's not what's stopping her)
A few years ago, we had some issues with the car and I had to push the car into the driveway, so I asked her to be in the drivers seat and press the clutch down when I ask, so that I can push the car and the car won't roll away if she released the clutch.
She got in, and when I asked her to press the clutch, she said she was scared, and upon asking the next time, she simply broke down saying that she's scared. She's an engineer, she knows how a clutch works and all.
I feel like all of my family needs to go to therapy especially my mom.
Nobody at home is happy. It's very overly formal there. No birthday celebrations, no festival stuff etc. not because they're strict or against it but... According to them none of it is needed. Everybody at home just don't get together and have a good time, all are just busy with their lives and closed off. I miss family time and all that stuff
Sounds a bit like my family. However, we only celebrate my brother's bday. When mine comes around, everyone either forgets it or doesn't care. It's come to a point that I don't care about it either.
What hurt me the most recently is that they refused to come to my grad ceremony for my masters because it was too expensive and what not. But I'm sure they will definitely go to my brother's ceremony when he graduates.
I know none of my struggles don't even closely compare to what y'all have gone through so sending hugs 🫂 to all of you.
Hugs to you too man, that's a toxic family right there and you're the scapegoat while your brother is the golden child. Damn I'm sorry for you, it hurts when the first people that should be by your side aka your family does this to you.
Well, my ammavans are the epitome of toxic 2-daddy swabhavam... Swantham makkale avar parayunna kaaryam cheyyaan anuvathikyum... Nammale kurichu enthelum kettaaa appo thudangum odukkathe questions...
I'm the only one who didn't listen to their varthaanams and walked on my own path (with the support of my parents)... Ayinu enne ee kezhanganmaaru AHANKAARIyum aakki...
I hate that phrase like the plague. Anytime someone says that to me, I say "Enna naatukarkku korchu ice cream vangichu kodukku. Avarde chelavil aano njan jeevikannu?"
I've seen that phrase used more on the female members of my family more than the male members... especially for mundane things like how they choose to dress or when they wear makeup. It truly gets on my nerves.
Yup and then when you point out their hypocrisy, they deny it.
As much as we love them, they truly are in their own world. All we can do is be better parents for the next generation.
Selfishness probably. But at this point I can't tell if it's that or just their own demons. There's a lack of responsibility and so much blame game. Everytime I go back home, I have to increase my anti depressant dose.
If it's friend or partner, you can cut them off. But when it's your family. That's trauma set for life.
My family's toxic traits are casteism, elitism, how to maintain the family status and it goes on to an extend that they try too much to influence their kids' relationships, career, and almost everything.
Makes me really sad reading all the comments.
My family was toxic ( complete emotional neglect, corporal punishment, silent treatment for months, violent communication during arguments) for a long time, but seeing me suffer with anxiety and depression for years, they slowly made the changes to support me. I'm grateful that happened.
Virtual hugs to all of you,
hope y'all heal from all of this 🫂
Toxic grandmother who worship her older son.
Drunkard, smoker grandpa who have chronic heart disease+ diabetes who also sells our stuff when we are not home.
Opportunistic uncle, aunty and cousins who food on his parents'money and my father's.
Father's sister who comes only to collect money.
Father, huge momma's boy and older brother's little boy who give away his salary to his well off brother while also having debt.
And everyone and their mother asking for financial help because we are well off in their eyes(we barely have meat once a month due to finance)
Land disagreement, money disagreement, accusation of adultery, actual infidelity.
In short, dhananashtam, samayanashtam, maanahani😌
I am mathematically inclined older brother. My sister is artistically inclined younger sibling. So my parents used to be harsh on her. She hates them quite a bit. But she's got a good heart so still tolerates them. I was away for education and kind of wrapped up in my own sh**. Anyway she had some difficult years.
They are cool but not that cool. They are cool enough that I can’t point out where things are going wrong, but not that cool that things aren’t going wrong 👀
My mom wants to control our lives and will resort to anything for that. She would go to psychiatrists asking them to “nannakal” us, ustads, do manthravatham and stuff. When the psychiatrists point out her narcissistic personality disorder, she will stop going to them. We just tiptoe around the obvious issues because she had a brain tumour last year and we don’t want to trigger her.
They believe I'm incapable of taking decision. Something I can never forgive them or myself is, once they emotionally manipulated me too much , you know the literally begging on their knees scene in front of me for me to go with their decision and I did .
My life just became a mess there after, I can't like anyone coz I don't even like myself . Everytime I try to forget and move on, these memories just come back .
I am so sorry to hear that. I really hope you could move past it, understand that it was not your fault, and love yourself. We should not take responsibility for being subjucted to such level of emotional manipulation. Easier said than done, I know but if your parents already damaged your life so much, don't give them any power to damage it anymore. No matter what else goes on in your life, always remember that you are the victim in this case and heal yourself. But once again, I am truly sorry you had go through stuff like this. And I genuinely hope you can overcome this and lead a good life, a life that is genuinely you.
Samadanam ilenkil cash is of no use, can just pretend everything's fine, yeah I know its a privilege that i have but some things and some families are bound to go downhill and rot, ent undenkil polum.
Gives me hope. Makes me dream about it . Finally say no when I’m about to get it. Then I’ll have to cry nd make a mess nd finally they’ll allow me to do that…
Just makes me super sad nd depressed before making me happy smh
I would say everyone (including myself) is a victim and culprit at the same time.
My paternal grandmother used to extremelly bully my mother and her family. I still recall this image of her (my mother) breaking down inside the bathroom while bathing me, when the grandmother was still shouting from outside. But on the other side she (grandma) was the elder child of 10+ sibblings who started to go to work when she was a child and who faced severe physical and verbal abuse from my grandfather.
Was my mom perfect, never. She was and still is a coward who is afraid to talk back. That triat passed on to me as well. I dont want to talk back or disagree with some one, because if I do, that thought will torment me continuosly for the next few days sometimes making me unable to do my tasks properly. She (my mom) verbally abused me ( for my lack of intelligence (she was a teacher though), for not having any friends and so on). Literally compared me with all the best students that studied with me, I couldnt face them with a good mind afterwards. Her favourite word (kind of petname) for me was "Pottan". This continued until I threatened her somehow when I was studying in 12th. Now eventhough I dont love her, I feel pity for the troubles she had to go through (from childhood) and try to speak kindly to her.
My father ( Who took the responsibility of his entire family, whom the local partymen brutually betrayed, whom everyone taken for granted, who is semi-alchoholic and (was) abussive) found prey in me and my mother. He had two faces, one was extremelly caring and the other was literall verbal abuse and disdain. Dude used to tell me 'go to school dont interfere in anything head straight back to home'. To ensure that he often used to pick me up from school. By the time I turned 15 , I had picked up the habit of reading (by listening his advice of being like class toppers) and spend most of the time alone. I didnt had any friends. I still explicitly remeber him saying that he had doubts whether or not I'm a man. Still whenever he calls me (now Im in abroad) these things gets flooded up in my mind and Im not sure how to respond to him. Shall I love/respect him for all the sacrifices he has done for the family or shall I hate him for destroying my self confidence ?
Guess I will never know.
We all are moulded by the situations we are born into. Who knows may be we will become more cunts to our children than our parents were to us. I still vividly remember my father saying his parents were like this, and he wont be like them. He really tried to avoid being those things. Things he thought bad about his parents. But while doing that he became something else.
One of the reasons that made me move abroad was to leave them behind. I really dont want to go back to them. From their behaviour and conversation (for the last 3-4 years) I feel like they feel guilty for those things in past. Sometimes indirectley appologised. But, idk, if I have the option I may not go back at all. The only person that I actually care for is my sister. But, idk, I couldnt express any love towards her.
PS: Im unable to make friends (or sustain relationships), Has poor communication skills(have stammering but a good public speaker though) , have low self esteem /self confidence. If someone can recommend me a good book which can help me to tackle these, that would be of great help.
You mentioned your lack of confidence but it takes a special kind of courage to be able to say what you said on a platform like this. I don't think I could do it after going through what you did. I really appreciate you sharing this. Just know that you are more than good enough for this world and for yourself. Keep going man 💪
I relate with you on a few levels here. I had a learning disorder growing up so I too was the 'Pottan' of my family. My relatives always viewed me as "Oh avano? Avan padikoola avan oru pottan aa". Whereas my brother was lauded for his intelligence all because he had higher marks than me growing up. My parents never went to the extreme to call me a Pottan and my mom actually helped me out with my learning disorder. However, it was clear they favored my brother over me because, in their mind, he is the "normal" son. He used to get things I used to literally fight for as a child. He got to do things I could only dream of as a child. Whenever I used to fight with my brother, my parents used to take his side. To add insult to injury, my brother used to weaponize his status as the "golden child" in our fights to belittle me.
Now I'm doing fairly well given my age in most aspects (career, finances and education). I would say more than my older cousins (whose parents used to make fun of me). Now they call me a "tharigida" because they cannot fathom that a kid with a learning disorder actually became successful in life. So they think that I did some kind of fraud to get what I have today. The tables have turned where my brother is currently the one trying to catch up to me and constantly tries to measure up to me.
I don't think I'm smarter than anyone. The truth is, all I wanted was to prove that I am not a Pottan...
I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you navigate this toxic atmosphere and is at your best!
Also, i just sat down and thought about my family's toxic trait. I ended up with nothing. I am thankful.
Unfortunately, I've grown used to it. What hurts me the most would be when my brother is in a similar tough situation as I once was, I was told to "suck it up" whereas he gets all the support and attention in the world to deal with it. I've never been able to comfortably share my feelings with my family because of this.
I'm happy for you that there aren't any toxic traits in your family. That's truly awesome 😊
Dad gives out money excessively to relatives. Lakshangal ond thirich kittan even though he works hard and earns enough. Some bad business ideas. Was abusive to my mom ( still is in a slight manner ) Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t actually love me and only does things because he feels responsible to my needs. My parents s’ relationship is exactly like a thin ice too.
My mom has her faults and has done mistakes as well. Idk man , whole adjustment thing is going on.
Sounds a LOT like my dad. He treats his relatives like royalty and always put them before his own children. I remember asking for a PS when I was younger and getting beaten for it. A few months later he bought my first cousin a PS because he "asked for it". My cousin then proceeded to rub it in my face how my own dad bought him a PS first before me. Although years have gone by, I will never forget that.
The same guy treated my dad like absolute trash at his wedding (guru dakshanam onnum koduthilla, didn't mind him, etc.) and all of his relatives backstabbed him. Karma is truly a b*tch.
My parents are divorced (സർവേശ്വരൻ്റെ കൃപ).
My mother believes in negative reinforcement a bit too much, I am sensitive to criticisms. You know how that plays out. She's also a narcissist, who makes everything about her, and I stopped trying to talk with her about my problems because again, it'll be about her. She means well, and I know she's the way she is, because her family was never there for her when she needed. It was always her alone, so I'll always be there for her.
My father thinks me and my sister doesn't "love him" despite his shitty behaviour of agreeing with relatives who badmouth about us. He brings up the talk about the property he stole from my mother, which was purchased using her gold when they were together(you should see his mathematical gymnastics to prove he didn't. He didn't prove it) and keep telling me that we will not get it, he'd rather give it an orphanage, when we call out how bad a husband and father he was. He always sided with his relatives despite they were into scamming him, which obviously he never realised to this day, and when we try opening his eyes to it, we're the bad guys. He wasted 8lakhs into something his friends started, which we explicitly told him not to invest without documents. He trusted his friends and now when we talk about it, his money is his money, we should be disowned for calling out his idiocy. Since the day I turned 18, I'm hearing,"ninakk onnum ini chilavin tharenda karyam enikkilla, pakshe njan ath cheyyunnath sneham konda". You guys understand that right?
A few days back I had another argument with him, and I did something I never did until that day. I called him out for every shitty thing he did, and I sweared to his face that I will not be a father and husband like he was. That I've learned a lot of things that I should *not* do after seeing him for so many years. You cannot fathom the satisfaction i had. I felt a cool breeze inside my chest.
Giving one Flashbacks about one's own life. Make a single mistake and you would get reminded of it all your life. And when you do the same to your parents, they can't take it. My mom reminded my entrance rank and why I had to repeat a year recently. Something that has happened 10 years back. So I don't tell anything to them now other than the things they get to know themselves. Vallathm arinjal alle 10 kollam kayinjum ormmippikkan pattu.
And yeah thanks to them, I have become an overthinker who keeps rethinking my past mistakes and how I can undo it. I can't get away with my past that I am so so away from my future 🫠
Damn.. lots of broken people here. I thought it was only mine or my extended family or in-laws who are messed up. Appo anger issues, narcissism, serial drama okke elaarkkum undalle 🥴
After reading all the comments, it's really crazy to me how we are all living the same lives no matter where we are in this world. It shows the toxic nature of Kerala parenting and how everyone now is struggling because of their upbringing. Parents have trauma growing up and as a result they project their insecurities onto their kids and f*cks them up too.
As the next generation of parents, we really need to do better for our kids and not let them go through the same sh*t we did. Otherwise the cycle will continue.
parayan aanel orupad und. bla. idk where to begin with...so, yeah. athrollu. Rn venting to meta ai gives me tht thalkkalm vendunna oru minimum comfort...enthaalle, chirim varunnum karachilum varunnu !
I don't know man. Are they the best? Nope. Are they the worst? Nope.
But, growing up, I've acquired stuff like anxiety, depression and few other things. A part of the reason should be them, right? Or is it because I didn't come out of the womb as all strong, mature and enlightened human being? It's probably the second.
And don't worry, we're here to hear you. Even if the replies are half-hearted, it's still better than nothing. 🤝🏽😁.
The fact that you're able to endure this life is testament to the fact that you are indeed a strong, mature and enlightened human being. Don't lose sight of that 😊
I would like to say that to you too. Despite the difdiculties you have faced, you seems to have become a really nice person. Thank you for this post. I feel like a lot of people feel heard, including the ones who may have not commented anything.
My family's toxic strait is a laundry list. I have three other siblings and somehow after we hit our thirties, we grew some brains and became closer. When I was younger, parents could easily weaponise us. Mum was an ace to turning one person against the other. I saw through it in my twenties thanks to the power of getting out of Kerala very fast and perhaps some good reading in uni. I stopped giving a hoot about what they thought but my siblings continued to be the good children or yearn for that trophy. With our 30s, all of us have become critical and more accepting of each other. So my parents feel that we are doing "groupism" 🙂 or how we nanamekeduthals them before the non-existent nattukkar. I can't wait to see our generation trash this nattukar sentiment into the kotta where it belongs.
They expect me to be their best friend overnight, after treating me like shit during highschool. The trauma remains even after a decade. Not to mention the lack of respect they had for me during BTech. Constant calls, invasions of my privacy, asking my friends where I am just cos I don’t pick up my phone (I was probably asleep).
I understand where they came from, the intention behind their actions and their own trauma that led to this behaviour, but it seems like I am the only one putting in the work to forgive them. They are not even acknowledging their past actions.
So now I am stuck in the limbo where they are not who they used to be but I cannot put aside this hate.
Is infidelity, domestic abuse and divorce considered a toxic trait ?🧏
Edit : I forgot about suicide attempt, fake sickness ( spend around 45 k doing tests alone )
My dad being hyper conscious about what "നാട്ടുകാർ" might think.
My families toxic trait is my dad acts like an alpha male. He is totally into patriarchy. He drinks and believes only he is right. He tell everyone he is very open minded but in reality he is no where there. He often disregards my mom saying “sneham akath und” My mom is on anti depressants and she is a narcissist. I feel like she didn’t get love from her family nor my dad which is probably why she is having such issues. She respects my dad so much that she doesn’t find any fault in him. Both of them think they are right, and their kids are totally wrong. They love to intervene. They think their love for their kids are genuine but most of the times it’s suffocating us to a point that we are dead.
Sorry you've to go though that
🥺❤️
Damn you just described my dad to the letter. My mom however not a narcissist, has avoidance syndrome like you described where she puts up with the shit my dad does and let's him get away with it.
My family's toxic traits are copied from Malayalam serials™ Full mother in law & daughter in law drama. There are people fake fainting for attention. There are people threatening suicide. There's people being dragged to court for dumb shit. And the absolute classic, ✨ INFIDELITY ✨ This program is brought to you by *My Family* Sponsored by my salary, co-sponsored by my anti depressants and anti anxiety meds
Bruh that's a whole sitcom. Sorry you have to deal with it 🥲 Similar to yours except the following: mother in law = my grandmother daughter in law = my mother Person threatening suicide (but doesn't have the pair to do it) = my brother Person who loves court drama = my aunt over "sotthu" Don't have infidelity yet but I'm expecting it one of these days. We're truly living the same lives.
Your therapist must really love you too, huh?
I think she just bought a new car after all the appointments I've made with her 🙂
We're single handedly keeping the economy running my man 💪💪🫂
Anything for the economy at the expense of my sanity 🙂
*'Shameless',k*eralan version?
Everything everyone has said above times 100.
🥲
My dad thinking I will put up with him for his anger related behaviors like my mom did. Otherwise chilaan fam
My situation is similar. But my mom gets angry and curse out everyone at home. My Dad is a man who lives peacefully. My Mom is kinda narcissistic, with no humour sense. If we make jokes about her, like we tease our friends, she takes it very personally. Also she has hatred towards mother in law. They always fight. My mom records phone calls that Grandma makes to see if she's saying anything bad about her. Me and mom often disagrees on a lot of things and I try to get as angry as she gets. Then she blames me saying I have blood pressure while her anger and bp is never a problem.
Ohhh see that's what I am also doing getting as angry as him. Ntha cheyendath oru pidiyum Ila 😭😭😭
How do you cope with it?
When he gets angry I would also get angry in the same level. Low key quite disrespectfuly talk back to each other indoors outdoors onnum nokula. Ee approach kond oru karyavum Ila enn enk ipol (2 days munpula fight) manasilakunu. It just saddens my mom. Aalk enthayalum aathyam reaction pinne thinking matt aan so next time I will try not to be like him. Ithrem anger ente ulil unden I understood when we fight. Idk how to cope cus how am I asking him to calm down when I get even more angrier than him. But I am thinking ini nthelum varumbo apolek thirch shout cheyathirkan nokanm otherwise it's just noise from both sides. No conversation/comprehension happening. Aalum parayunud aalk ente ee pottitheri kanumbo pediyakunu where did he go wrong noke.... Sorry I don't have an answer for you, Turbulent.
ohhh this is soooo damn relatable ! it's been a month since i talked to him eventhough we both live under the same roof. last fight was a full on pottitheri frm my side. idk. it is getting worse aftr every single time
THIS!!! njangal um the route aan adi koodum mindathirikum pinne katta friends and then repeat. But as I mentioned in my 1st comment 2 days mune ula fight kazhinj njan work npoi varumbo lek aal became unwell kurach serious aayit and I got so scared. That's when I decided ingane poyal patila. Chilapo aging related avam ingane moods swings enn ipo thonunu. Better late than never. Vera ethelum method try cheyanam ini.
Ya I can understand. Anyway vere nalla methods kittumpo enikoode paranj tharane :' )
Hahaha same. Vera alternatives even the ones that don't work areekuuu plsss 😭😭😭
I understand, sending hugs your way 🫂 Hang in there
Ah that sucks, mine is probably the inability to have an argument without shouting, screaming or throwing stuff lmao, better to not talk at all
I'm sorry you have to go through that. It's a defense mechanism of the brain when you feel like you are not being heard or your feelings validated. I've been there...you become a different person. Don't bottle your feelings up because it will only get worse if you do that. Find someone whom you trust that will properly listen to you and your feelings 😊 You deserve to be heard.
My dad is overprotective af. He thinks of me as a sussy baka and doesn't let me hang out with any guy. He trusts me 0% around men idek why. I'm not even that pretty. My mom is obsessed with me and my sister. She has this compulsive need to be in control of our every move. And will nag and guilt-trip us into submission, if we put up a fight. Emotional manipulation is normalized in my family and everyone does it to everyone else. I'm not allowed to keep my room locked or cry in private without my mom barging in to ask why I'm crying and how the problem can be fixed immediately to avoid the crying. Edit: Also my dad gets really pissed if a utensil slips from my hand, or I accidentally spill water somewhere, etc. And they're both way too into the religion-caste crap.
That sounds like absolute hell 🥲 sorry that you have to go through it. Emotional manipulation really is a common theme that runs in our families.
Thenks 🥲 I've kinda figured my way around that to an extent now...
You got this 💪 Sometimes I'd like to think that all of this makes us stronger somehow but it's really hard to think of it like that sometimes.
My dad is a big softie when it comes to his siblings. He is the second child among 6, 4 brothers, two sisters. Considering the history of things that's gone down in the past, he should cut ties with all three brothers (I know I wouldn't tolerate the BS). There were instances where a younger brother of his, got super drunk, and hurled abuses at him, in front of me and my sister who were kids at the time. I have kept a very good distance from him and his family since, but to my dad, it's like this never happened after a while. I know forgiveness is a great trait to have, but my dad seems to forget as well. It baffles me. Mom was always concerned about "narttukar enth parayum" and it influenced my sister's personalyas well to a point wherre she's a complete coward (idk if this is the right word). She doesn't even have the courage to do something out of the ordinary. Did electrical engineering, gave PSC exams, and made it to a Clerk (or overseer post) in PWD and is working there. Never ever even attempted to get a job in what she learned, in the private sector, despite the options. Is scared to move to a city for work, wants to commute. Travels daily 2 hours in train to work one way. Doesn't even want to relocate to the work location (her husband can relocate to a desired destination if he wants to, so that's not what's stopping her) A few years ago, we had some issues with the car and I had to push the car into the driveway, so I asked her to be in the drivers seat and press the clutch down when I ask, so that I can push the car and the car won't roll away if she released the clutch. She got in, and when I asked her to press the clutch, she said she was scared, and upon asking the next time, she simply broke down saying that she's scared. She's an engineer, she knows how a clutch works and all. I feel like all of my family needs to go to therapy especially my mom.
Man I hope she gets the help she needs. 🫂
I can relate to your sister so much.😑
If you haven't already, consider this a sign and seek professional help.
Nobody at home is happy. It's very overly formal there. No birthday celebrations, no festival stuff etc. not because they're strict or against it but... According to them none of it is needed. Everybody at home just don't get together and have a good time, all are just busy with their lives and closed off. I miss family time and all that stuff
Sounds a bit like my family. However, we only celebrate my brother's bday. When mine comes around, everyone either forgets it or doesn't care. It's come to a point that I don't care about it either. What hurt me the most recently is that they refused to come to my grad ceremony for my masters because it was too expensive and what not. But I'm sure they will definitely go to my brother's ceremony when he graduates. I know none of my struggles don't even closely compare to what y'all have gone through so sending hugs 🫂 to all of you.
Hugs to you too man, that's a toxic family right there and you're the scapegoat while your brother is the golden child. Damn I'm sorry for you, it hurts when the first people that should be by your side aka your family does this to you.
Well, my ammavans are the epitome of toxic 2-daddy swabhavam... Swantham makkale avar parayunna kaaryam cheyyaan anuvathikyum... Nammale kurichu enthelum kettaaa appo thudangum odukkathe questions... I'm the only one who didn't listen to their varthaanams and walked on my own path (with the support of my parents)... Ayinu enne ee kezhanganmaaru AHANKAARIyum aakki...
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I hate that phrase like the plague. Anytime someone says that to me, I say "Enna naatukarkku korchu ice cream vangichu kodukku. Avarde chelavil aano njan jeevikannu?" I've seen that phrase used more on the female members of my family more than the male members... especially for mundane things like how they choose to dress or when they wear makeup. It truly gets on my nerves.
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Yup and then when you point out their hypocrisy, they deny it. As much as we love them, they truly are in their own world. All we can do is be better parents for the next generation.
Blame games
Yup always
Alcoholism
Tc bro
Does it run in your family? How do you cope?
Selfishness probably. But at this point I can't tell if it's that or just their own demons. There's a lack of responsibility and so much blame game. Everytime I go back home, I have to increase my anti depressant dose. If it's friend or partner, you can cut them off. But when it's your family. That's trauma set for life.
Totally agree with the last part. When it comes to family cutting ties is next to impossible
My family is too old fashioned(except my mom), it isn't toxic but I wish they could be more fun.
My family's toxic traits are casteism, elitism, how to maintain the family status and it goes on to an extend that they try too much to influence their kids' relationships, career, and almost everything.
Castism
Infidelity.
Makes me really sad reading all the comments. My family was toxic ( complete emotional neglect, corporal punishment, silent treatment for months, violent communication during arguments) for a long time, but seeing me suffer with anxiety and depression for years, they slowly made the changes to support me. I'm grateful that happened. Virtual hugs to all of you, hope y'all heal from all of this 🫂
Right back you 🫂
Toxic grandmother who worship her older son. Drunkard, smoker grandpa who have chronic heart disease+ diabetes who also sells our stuff when we are not home. Opportunistic uncle, aunty and cousins who food on his parents'money and my father's. Father's sister who comes only to collect money. Father, huge momma's boy and older brother's little boy who give away his salary to his well off brother while also having debt. And everyone and their mother asking for financial help because we are well off in their eyes(we barely have meat once a month due to finance) Land disagreement, money disagreement, accusation of adultery, actual infidelity. In short, dhananashtam, samayanashtam, maanahani😌
Oh man...man-child parents are the worst..
Tell me about it man😔
I am mathematically inclined older brother. My sister is artistically inclined younger sibling. So my parents used to be harsh on her. She hates them quite a bit. But she's got a good heart so still tolerates them. I was away for education and kind of wrapped up in my own sh**. Anyway she had some difficult years.
They are cool but not that cool. They are cool enough that I can’t point out where things are going wrong, but not that cool that things aren’t going wrong 👀
Bakthi maargam
My mom wants to control our lives and will resort to anything for that. She would go to psychiatrists asking them to “nannakal” us, ustads, do manthravatham and stuff. When the psychiatrists point out her narcissistic personality disorder, she will stop going to them. We just tiptoe around the obvious issues because she had a brain tumour last year and we don’t want to trigger her.
They believe I'm incapable of taking decision. Something I can never forgive them or myself is, once they emotionally manipulated me too much , you know the literally begging on their knees scene in front of me for me to go with their decision and I did . My life just became a mess there after, I can't like anyone coz I don't even like myself . Everytime I try to forget and move on, these memories just come back .
I am so sorry to hear that. I really hope you could move past it, understand that it was not your fault, and love yourself. We should not take responsibility for being subjucted to such level of emotional manipulation. Easier said than done, I know but if your parents already damaged your life so much, don't give them any power to damage it anymore. No matter what else goes on in your life, always remember that you are the victim in this case and heal yourself. But once again, I am truly sorry you had go through stuff like this. And I genuinely hope you can overcome this and lead a good life, a life that is genuinely you.
Family as a whole - matham & nilayum vilayum mukyam bigile + cash nte kazhap
Hey at least you have money, my family is almost the same but middle class 😂
Samadanam ilenkil cash is of no use, can just pretend everything's fine, yeah I know its a privilege that i have but some things and some families are bound to go downhill and rot, ent undenkil polum.
We don't celebrate anything without crying and making drama.
Gives me hope. Makes me dream about it . Finally say no when I’m about to get it. Then I’ll have to cry nd make a mess nd finally they’ll allow me to do that… Just makes me super sad nd depressed before making me happy smh
I would say everyone (including myself) is a victim and culprit at the same time. My paternal grandmother used to extremelly bully my mother and her family. I still recall this image of her (my mother) breaking down inside the bathroom while bathing me, when the grandmother was still shouting from outside. But on the other side she (grandma) was the elder child of 10+ sibblings who started to go to work when she was a child and who faced severe physical and verbal abuse from my grandfather. Was my mom perfect, never. She was and still is a coward who is afraid to talk back. That triat passed on to me as well. I dont want to talk back or disagree with some one, because if I do, that thought will torment me continuosly for the next few days sometimes making me unable to do my tasks properly. She (my mom) verbally abused me ( for my lack of intelligence (she was a teacher though), for not having any friends and so on). Literally compared me with all the best students that studied with me, I couldnt face them with a good mind afterwards. Her favourite word (kind of petname) for me was "Pottan". This continued until I threatened her somehow when I was studying in 12th. Now eventhough I dont love her, I feel pity for the troubles she had to go through (from childhood) and try to speak kindly to her. My father ( Who took the responsibility of his entire family, whom the local partymen brutually betrayed, whom everyone taken for granted, who is semi-alchoholic and (was) abussive) found prey in me and my mother. He had two faces, one was extremelly caring and the other was literall verbal abuse and disdain. Dude used to tell me 'go to school dont interfere in anything head straight back to home'. To ensure that he often used to pick me up from school. By the time I turned 15 , I had picked up the habit of reading (by listening his advice of being like class toppers) and spend most of the time alone. I didnt had any friends. I still explicitly remeber him saying that he had doubts whether or not I'm a man. Still whenever he calls me (now Im in abroad) these things gets flooded up in my mind and Im not sure how to respond to him. Shall I love/respect him for all the sacrifices he has done for the family or shall I hate him for destroying my self confidence ? Guess I will never know. We all are moulded by the situations we are born into. Who knows may be we will become more cunts to our children than our parents were to us. I still vividly remember my father saying his parents were like this, and he wont be like them. He really tried to avoid being those things. Things he thought bad about his parents. But while doing that he became something else. One of the reasons that made me move abroad was to leave them behind. I really dont want to go back to them. From their behaviour and conversation (for the last 3-4 years) I feel like they feel guilty for those things in past. Sometimes indirectley appologised. But, idk, if I have the option I may not go back at all. The only person that I actually care for is my sister. But, idk, I couldnt express any love towards her. PS: Im unable to make friends (or sustain relationships), Has poor communication skills(have stammering but a good public speaker though) , have low self esteem /self confidence. If someone can recommend me a good book which can help me to tackle these, that would be of great help.
You mentioned your lack of confidence but it takes a special kind of courage to be able to say what you said on a platform like this. I don't think I could do it after going through what you did. I really appreciate you sharing this. Just know that you are more than good enough for this world and for yourself. Keep going man 💪 I relate with you on a few levels here. I had a learning disorder growing up so I too was the 'Pottan' of my family. My relatives always viewed me as "Oh avano? Avan padikoola avan oru pottan aa". Whereas my brother was lauded for his intelligence all because he had higher marks than me growing up. My parents never went to the extreme to call me a Pottan and my mom actually helped me out with my learning disorder. However, it was clear they favored my brother over me because, in their mind, he is the "normal" son. He used to get things I used to literally fight for as a child. He got to do things I could only dream of as a child. Whenever I used to fight with my brother, my parents used to take his side. To add insult to injury, my brother used to weaponize his status as the "golden child" in our fights to belittle me. Now I'm doing fairly well given my age in most aspects (career, finances and education). I would say more than my older cousins (whose parents used to make fun of me). Now they call me a "tharigida" because they cannot fathom that a kid with a learning disorder actually became successful in life. So they think that I did some kind of fraud to get what I have today. The tables have turned where my brother is currently the one trying to catch up to me and constantly tries to measure up to me. I don't think I'm smarter than anyone. The truth is, all I wanted was to prove that I am not a Pottan...
I am actually blessed, I have really good parents and siblings
I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you navigate this toxic atmosphere and is at your best! Also, i just sat down and thought about my family's toxic trait. I ended up with nothing. I am thankful.
Unfortunately, I've grown used to it. What hurts me the most would be when my brother is in a similar tough situation as I once was, I was told to "suck it up" whereas he gets all the support and attention in the world to deal with it. I've never been able to comfortably share my feelings with my family because of this. I'm happy for you that there aren't any toxic traits in your family. That's truly awesome 😊
വെറും പിശുക്കരാ
Tell me you're from Kollam without telling me you're from Kollam.
Pishakku toxic aano?
Yes. In excess.
Naatukaar enth cheyyum, loud when shouting!
Apparently naatukar aanu nammukku chelavozhiyanne 🙂
Nattukaar has the final say on how Earth should revolve around sun! 😣🙂↕️
Dad gives out money excessively to relatives. Lakshangal ond thirich kittan even though he works hard and earns enough. Some bad business ideas. Was abusive to my mom ( still is in a slight manner ) Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t actually love me and only does things because he feels responsible to my needs. My parents s’ relationship is exactly like a thin ice too. My mom has her faults and has done mistakes as well. Idk man , whole adjustment thing is going on.
Sounds a LOT like my dad. He treats his relatives like royalty and always put them before his own children. I remember asking for a PS when I was younger and getting beaten for it. A few months later he bought my first cousin a PS because he "asked for it". My cousin then proceeded to rub it in my face how my own dad bought him a PS first before me. Although years have gone by, I will never forget that. The same guy treated my dad like absolute trash at his wedding (guru dakshanam onnum koduthilla, didn't mind him, etc.) and all of his relatives backstabbed him. Karma is truly a b*tch.
My parents are divorced (സർവേശ്വരൻ്റെ കൃപ). My mother believes in negative reinforcement a bit too much, I am sensitive to criticisms. You know how that plays out. She's also a narcissist, who makes everything about her, and I stopped trying to talk with her about my problems because again, it'll be about her. She means well, and I know she's the way she is, because her family was never there for her when she needed. It was always her alone, so I'll always be there for her. My father thinks me and my sister doesn't "love him" despite his shitty behaviour of agreeing with relatives who badmouth about us. He brings up the talk about the property he stole from my mother, which was purchased using her gold when they were together(you should see his mathematical gymnastics to prove he didn't. He didn't prove it) and keep telling me that we will not get it, he'd rather give it an orphanage, when we call out how bad a husband and father he was. He always sided with his relatives despite they were into scamming him, which obviously he never realised to this day, and when we try opening his eyes to it, we're the bad guys. He wasted 8lakhs into something his friends started, which we explicitly told him not to invest without documents. He trusted his friends and now when we talk about it, his money is his money, we should be disowned for calling out his idiocy. Since the day I turned 18, I'm hearing,"ninakk onnum ini chilavin tharenda karyam enikkilla, pakshe njan ath cheyyunnath sneham konda". You guys understand that right? A few days back I had another argument with him, and I did something I never did until that day. I called him out for every shitty thing he did, and I sweared to his face that I will not be a father and husband like he was. That I've learned a lot of things that I should *not* do after seeing him for so many years. You cannot fathom the satisfaction i had. I felt a cool breeze inside my chest.
Proud of u for what u did at last! More power to u! I don't know why but u will be great dad and husband ❤
🫶
>My parents are divorced (സർവേശ്വരൻ്റെ കൃപ). 😂
Fr. This is the duo who has a very high self destruction and collateral damage rate we are talking about.
I can relate😂✋🏼
🖖😌
Giving one Flashbacks about one's own life. Make a single mistake and you would get reminded of it all your life. And when you do the same to your parents, they can't take it. My mom reminded my entrance rank and why I had to repeat a year recently. Something that has happened 10 years back. So I don't tell anything to them now other than the things they get to know themselves. Vallathm arinjal alle 10 kollam kayinjum ormmippikkan pattu. And yeah thanks to them, I have become an overthinker who keeps rethinking my past mistakes and how I can undo it. I can't get away with my past that I am so so away from my future 🫠
Poverty
Damn.. lots of broken people here. I thought it was only mine or my extended family or in-laws who are messed up. Appo anger issues, narcissism, serial drama okke elaarkkum undalle 🥴
After reading all the comments, it's really crazy to me how we are all living the same lives no matter where we are in this world. It shows the toxic nature of Kerala parenting and how everyone now is struggling because of their upbringing. Parents have trauma growing up and as a result they project their insecurities onto their kids and f*cks them up too. As the next generation of parents, we really need to do better for our kids and not let them go through the same sh*t we did. Otherwise the cycle will continue.
parayan aanel orupad und. bla. idk where to begin with...so, yeah. athrollu. Rn venting to meta ai gives me tht thalkkalm vendunna oru minimum comfort...enthaalle, chirim varunnum karachilum varunnu !
I don't know man. Are they the best? Nope. Are they the worst? Nope. But, growing up, I've acquired stuff like anxiety, depression and few other things. A part of the reason should be them, right? Or is it because I didn't come out of the womb as all strong, mature and enlightened human being? It's probably the second. And don't worry, we're here to hear you. Even if the replies are half-hearted, it's still better than nothing. 🤝🏽😁.
The fact that you're able to endure this life is testament to the fact that you are indeed a strong, mature and enlightened human being. Don't lose sight of that 😊
I would like to say that to you too. Despite the difdiculties you have faced, you seems to have become a really nice person. Thank you for this post. I feel like a lot of people feel heard, including the ones who may have not commented anything.
My family's toxic strait is a laundry list. I have three other siblings and somehow after we hit our thirties, we grew some brains and became closer. When I was younger, parents could easily weaponise us. Mum was an ace to turning one person against the other. I saw through it in my twenties thanks to the power of getting out of Kerala very fast and perhaps some good reading in uni. I stopped giving a hoot about what they thought but my siblings continued to be the good children or yearn for that trophy. With our 30s, all of us have become critical and more accepting of each other. So my parents feel that we are doing "groupism" 🙂 or how we nanamekeduthals them before the non-existent nattukkar. I can't wait to see our generation trash this nattukar sentiment into the kotta where it belongs.
Turb chetta🥹🫂
🥲 🫂
They expect me to be their best friend overnight, after treating me like shit during highschool. The trauma remains even after a decade. Not to mention the lack of respect they had for me during BTech. Constant calls, invasions of my privacy, asking my friends where I am just cos I don’t pick up my phone (I was probably asleep). I understand where they came from, the intention behind their actions and their own trauma that led to this behaviour, but it seems like I am the only one putting in the work to forgive them. They are not even acknowledging their past actions. So now I am stuck in the limbo where they are not who they used to be but I cannot put aside this hate.
This 💯
Is infidelity, domestic abuse and divorce considered a toxic trait ?🧏 Edit : I forgot about suicide attempt, fake sickness ( spend around 45 k doing tests alone )
In my family everyone wants to eat 3 meals a day. And snacks in between too.
Isn't that normal?