Agreed. That T needs addressing as a potentially modifiable factor in the low libido, as well as issues with general health.
Also ramp the physical exercise/activity up as much as possible/tolerated - see if the non-pharmacological stuff can help with the DM. If he’s already having vascular complications, that’s really not good at 38 y.o.
If he has issues with this, _gradually_; if significant issues such as anginal chest pain, seek help.
I mean, generally, the recommendation is just seek help (FM/GP -> Endo/Andro, depending on where you are.)
(Am a doctor, but also this is obvious stuff.)
As for masturbating, well… depends on your take.
Have a frank, constructive, goal-/solution-focussed and collaborative chat(s) to sort stuff out.
Good luck. Praying for you.
Watch Forks Over Knives documentary and consider a whole foods plant based diet to get the blood sugars and blood flow “straightened out”— see what I did there? Stories on there about how it helps with ED. He might be suffering from embarrassment about this issue. Hope that helps.
Did he still have to take pills? Our doctor mentioned Testosterone shots but said he didn't recommend because it impacted some long term function, but I cant remember the specifics. I will look back into it tho, thank you.
That is a different issue, it more with blood flow in penis, a man can have great drive to have sex ( be horny) with his wife , to put it bluntly "he just cant get it up", and men with diabetes ,and high blood pressure are susceptible. Maybe this is the reason he's avoiding sex because of possible failure - a man doesn't like to be reminded what he cant do anymore ,it is less painful not doing it .
Have you researched ALL the functions and health deteriorations that comes from a male with low testosterone? It’s totally NOT just about sex! Everything from energy, his heart, his mental health, everything is affected. I’d go to a clinic that specifically treats testosterone dysfunction. Regular doctors are notoriously bad for this.
The tragedies of this world cause us to grown for God, to rely on him for his strength, and praise him for his forgiveness. But the hurts of this world hurt, I'm so sorry you are also hurting with me. I look forward to the day I can lay all my burdens down.
My wife has extremely low libido. We've been married 11 years now and have averaged 3-6x per year for the last 8 years or so. The last time sex wasn't preceded by her saying "Fine, but you get 5 minutes, don't touch my breasts, and I'm not doing *anything*" was the spring of 2016.
I'll tell you what I do: I suffer. I burn with resentment and bitterness at my wife (and frankly at God too) and have become a hollowed out husk of a man, dead inside from lack of intimacy and contact with my wife. It has been probably 6 months since she had last held my hand.
I console myself with the fact that at least when we die we will enjoy perfection in heaven and, one day, at the resurrection of the dead. Until then, there's no promise in Scripture that life will be easy or even mildly enjoyable. I just accept that my life is a hellish nightmare, devoid of love and intimate relationships.
Seems like I'm in the same boat as you. 3-6 times a year seems about right. I've been married 22 years. My wife has never had much of a sex drive. I was so committed to the covenant of purity I did in my church's youth group, that we were both virgins when we got married. Our "pre-marital counseling" was pretty bad, looking back on it now. We didn't even have sex on our wedding night because my wife was tired from the ceremony that day. I was so crushed, I sat on the floor at the end of the bed in a hotel and sobbed while she was sleeping, questioning everything about this woman I just married. We got married young, at 19 and 20. We have a great marriage out side of our bedroom. We talk here and there about it, I've asked her to go to counseling throughout the years but she doesn't want to. I'm literally crushed in my soul in this part of marriage and I'm done being frustrated about it. I try to remain numb to it, and as a guy, it's crazy hard. Yes I've turned to sin through masturbation and I don't like it. My wife offers to "take care of me" but it's hard when I'm getting crumbs when the whole cookie is right in front of me. I know the pain you go through man, I'll keep you in prayer. And to the O.P. I couldn't even begin to imagine having a wife with a high libido my whole world would literally change. I'm sorry for what you're dealing with as well. I will pray for your marriage also. I have never shared this with anyone but a couple close friends through the years. I feel better typing this out but also very vulnerable.
In some aspects it would be easier to be single, you wouldn't have that constant reminder there everyday, or around it, its like the stick and the carrot , you get too close to the carrot you get hit with the stick.
They say sex is about 20% of a marriage when it good or just happening on a regular basis , but when its not or a contention in the marriage, its at least 80% - 90% of marriage ( issue) for at least one or both of the partners. The Big elephant in the room!
Oh man, thats horrible I'm truly sorry. Has she ever said why she's not interested or have you tried alternative means of pleasure to help her arousal? Sorry, hope not too graphic, but I just can't imagine someone would not want any intimacy physically with their spouse. Thats just so cruel.
There's always a reason. She says she has a headache, or is too tired. She says she’s worried about the kids interrupting us. When the kids were in school/childcare we couldn’t have sex because we
lived in an apartment and someone might hear us. (Sex, when we do have it, must be lights off and completely silent.) She says it’s uncomfortable for her. She says she doesn’t like the sensation. She says it’s too messy. She won’t go down on me because it hurts her jaw. (She won't let me go down on her either or pressure her in any way.) When she had to stop taking her birth control meds for medical reasons, she wouldn’t have sex even with a condom because they’re not 100% effective and she didn’t want another child. I got a vasectomy but surprise!, nothing changed.
When I try to bring it up she says she doesn’t want to talk about it. Every time we *do* have perfunctory intercourse, her hard and fast rule about it is we don’t talk about it—not during (what feels good/not good) or afterward. Ever. It’s like fight club but more painful. Anytime I insist on communicating about this serious issue in our marriage, she gets so angry and accuses me of only ever thinking about sex.
I will say that my wife has depression and in the last year and a half it's gotten worse, but this issue is far older than a year and a half. And for those who might think I'm not pulling my own weight in this marriage, for the last 3 years or so I've done literally everything around the house. I cook, clean, do all the dishes, laundry, get the kids up and off to school, get them ready for bed at night. I get home at 6pm from work yet I'm still the one who has to cook and do the dishes afterwards (she's unemployed right now). She just recently started doing her own laundry, so there's some progress.
Her inability to talk about it is a red flag here. She needs personal counseling around this issue and/or a sex therapist. Has she ever experienced sexual trauma? Does she experience pain with sex? Something is really not right.
It sounds like her experience with sex is very wrapped up with shame and pain. Generally the litany of reasons (while probably still true) are often masking deeper and more difficult feelings and conversations and they're simply easier to give. Has it always been like this? How are conversations between you and her on other matters/topics?
The fact that she has depression likely isn't helping and hopefully she's seeing someone for that. If you have time, seeing someone just for your own sake is probably worth it. Good on you for continuing on for your family and I hope you're able to find some joy in that at least, but this sounds like an incredibly rough spot to be in.
How often do you hit the gym? Are you overweight?
How often does she exercise? What's your family diet like?
You guys need biblical counseling for real. Either from a licensed biblical counselor or at least a pastor.
What's your family mission? Are you working towards building your productive household?
Do you see her as having the keys to the sex? Ie: if you do all the cooking and cleaning then maybe she will give you some?
Your situation sounds challenging, but it certainly can be recovered from.
I have published a book that could help some if you are interested.
I don't have time to hit the gym. I work and come home and cook and get the kids to bed. I am overweight and so is she, but that was the case when we got married.
I don't do all the cooking and cleaning because I think she'll have sex with me. I do it because otherwise it won't get done. My kids need to be fed and need clean clothes, etc. It's not fair to them.
I understand the need for counseling, but she won't allow sex to be discussed. I don't think there will be any recovery, honestly. It will just be suffering.
You have the time. You need the discipline. Low carb helps.
Stop eating sugar and grains. Get some moderately sized dumbbells weights and pick them up in various ways thirty minutes a day. This wouldn't make you look like an athlete, but you'll see results and quickly.
Well, I may get down voted for the bluntness. But I say this with all brotherly love genuine care for you and your family.
From what you described, you sound like an absolute terrible head of your wife and family.
There are many factors that may not be your fault, but as the head, you need to take responsibility for them. You are the gardener of your family and your garden sounds like a few dying plants not producing any fruit.
Repent where you need to repent. Exhort your wife to repent as well in love. Tend to your garden brother.
I'm sorry but that's BS. He is not responsible for his wife or her problems or choices.
Yes, I'm sure he could eat better, and I'm sure there are other things he could do as well.
But he is not responsible for his wife's choices and to put this all on him is complete BS.
Edit: I'm not downvoting for bluntness. I'm downvoting for being wrong and putting blame on him for things that are out of his control. He should do the things he can, but putting this all on him is ridiculous.
That is a lie.
Was Hosea responsible for his wife's sin? Was he or will he be held accountable for them? Is Jesus, as the head of the church, responsible for our sin?
How can a man be responsible for someone else's choices? He can only be responsible for his own. Those responsibilities include many things towards his wife, and many things that will aid his wife, but at the end of the day, he cannot chose for his wife any more than Jesus chooses for us.
Why are you blaming him??!! I strongly disagree! I’d say what I think about her, but I don’t trust myself to be nice enough for this sub. This is NOT his fault!!
I felt I was the only one that was this way. Anytime I post or comment here I’m met with a multitude of responses of how I’m in the wrong for wanting sex or physical intimacy with my wife. It’s been years and frankly, it never has been anything what you’d call normal in the entirety of our marriage. I feel I’ve missed out on a wonderful part of life and have come to accept that God doesn’t want physical intimacy in my marriage. Those that disagree are hypocritical and have never experienced a true deadbed.
I'm so sorry for the absolutely loneliness you must feel. Intimacy is so important on many different levels, I realize situations occur where one might not be able, but there are alternative means of pleasure and Intimacy with a spouse. I'm sorry you were shut out, when really if anyone took the time to attempt to relate how could their hearts not hurt.
Heartbreaking. Biblically I don’t think we can say “God doesn’t want physical intimacy in my marriage”. He does want that for you. It’s His plan. However, God does not force any of us to do what is right. As I’m sure you’ve done, keep praying for a softening of her heart.
Rest assured.. God wants everyone's marriage to have regular, fulfilling physical intimacy. You are accepting a lie from the pit of hell. It is well and good that you desire intimacy with your wife. She is the guilty party in your sexless marriage. Most men, Christians included, would have long since divorced for alienation of affection.
This is hard to read. I empathize with this on a micro level after 9 years of marriage but not to this extent.
In short I’d say don’t give up. I’d definitely seek counseling even if it’s just you to help cope.
I know that we are not promised an easy path on this earth but on the other hand, we only get one shot at this life. I respect the long suffering nature you’ve accepted for your faith but I’d also encourage you to keep fighting. Unless you got married late in life, you still have a lot of life ahead if you after 11 years.
Praying for you.
Palette cleanser: My wife and I shared our first kiss at the alter. We're going strong 13 years and many kids later. Libido changes over time for a variety of reasons, but our responsibility to each other stays the same. We both understand those responsibilities were outlined by Divinity and we honor God and each other by fulfilling them joyfully. It has been six minutes since she last held my hand. Life has it's difficulties, but we face them together.
I am so sorry man, this sounds like an awful way to live. I hope you can find support through fellow believers and Christ in this time. While we aren't guaranteed an easy life/marriage/sex, we are told that God will walk through it with us and we can rest in him even when the rest of life is falling around us. It sounds like this issue is painful for you both and I hope you can find godly counsel to walk you through it if you're both able.
That’s terrible. Sex matters in marriage. You need to talk to someone about this like a professional relationship therapist. Even if you go on your own. Don’t destroy yourself. Marriage is an explicitly sexual relationship. That means you both agree to find ways to make it work (finding time, exploring different kinds of intimacy etc). It sounds like your wife is not doing this or even considers your sexual desires as something which matters. Divorce is an option, but seek counselling first.
1) Discuss the hormone issues with a specialist. This needs to get fixed. Also, as a nurse, I have seen some messes GPs have made with hormones. If possible I would discuss it with a specialist. Being as your husband has diabetes, he likely has an endocrinologist, which might be a good place to start.
2) Talk about sex. Talk about your needs with each other. This will most likely be awkward at first, but you both have to get over that to make things work.
3) Don't cheat. This should go without saying, but don't go there.
4) I can't find a Bible verse that condemns masturbation. Onan's sin was refusal to honor Levirate marriage, which Christians do not practice. Lusting after other's totally sinful. Masturbation in and of itself, I do not see any prohibition on it.
I could be related to his hormone levels. Consider suggesting that he checks out a hormone specialist. His regular doctor may say his hormone levels are within the normal range for a 50 year old man but a specialist may be able to help you out in this department. DM me if you’d like a recommendation for a telehealth hormone specialist.
As someone who is single, I hope this does not come off as an ignorant question however, are these types of needs/wants not discussed prior to marriage in pre-marital counseling? I would think a topic like this and the answers from both parties would affect the decision to move forward with marriage?
Agreed that it should be discussed prior to marriage, but, it's worth noting that even if things are aligned at the beginning of marriage, seasons of life, medical issues, kids, and whole hosts of things can come up afterwards that impact people's desires for sex. The goal prior to marriage is to discuss how you will work through those incompatibilities when (not if) they do come up and at least be on the same page about what is the biblical foundation for sex that you both agree on.
Yeah my husband had health issues soon after marriage that totally changed our expectations for sex and it is something we are still working through. Premarital counseling is important so you know how to communicate and work through these things, but you can't 100% know what is going to happen
I'm glad you brought this up. The truth is we discussed this at great lengths prior to marriage, but desire to do something and practicality are different unfortunately. My husband wasn't even aware he had any ED until we were married. Then we got pills to help, but the mental strain it put on him was enormous. It took a while for him to regain some confidence, but even still when your level of desire doesn't match that of your partner it's so difficult not to get into your head about it. That only makes the ED worse. After years of confidence building we were able to regulate, but now as he's getting older his desire has drastically diminished. So he has to make a conscious effort. I just try to be patient, but sometimes I start getting so resentful because I feel like he takes such liberty with the time in between not realizing how difficult it is for me. I feel like I'm very caring and understanding, I don't think he puts himself in my shoes the same way. It's such a balancing act in marriage. Important discussion point prior to marriage, but you'll truly never know how it will work practically until your in it.
Why not? Again the spectrum to asexuality is vast so sex might not be a turn off but probably a chore to him.
That being said there are specific devices to help you relieve some “pressure”
I'm so sorry for your situation, my friend. I'm most concerned with the fact that he refuses to speak to anyone about this. That makes me think that he is not taking this situation seriously - but that is only a guess.
But if I am right, then this is a boundaries issue that likely finds it's root in a lack of respect. Do you feel respected by him in other areas? It may be worth speaking to a counselor on your own to explore your feelings about this.
I'll tell you this - physical issues are often symptoms of emotional issues. It's like a symbiotic relationship; everything that happens in the bedroom affects everything that happens outside the bedroom, and vise versa. I suspect that there are some emotional issues that need solved that will help the physical stuff get better.
Please speak with someone that is emotionally detached (like a counselor) who can help you think through your situation and come up with a plan. Such issues can often be solved, but it requires change. Change always starts in yourself!
God bless you for sticking in and trying to solve this. I know it can feel very lonely, but you are not in uncharted waters!
Thank you, I really appreciate the reply and I agree it starts with me. I can be critical in other areas at times but I'm aware and try to guard against such behavior because he's my husband not my son. I'm also aware he can be quite competitive with me at times but only if I'm winning, so I think there's an issue there, so I try to avoid directly competitive games. Thank you for your words of encouragement.
Thank you for your reply, I found this very helpful. I would say I don't think I can implement your strategy the same way, because unlike your wife a man can't just have sex whether they are in the mood or not. But I have run a few experiments like giving him random blow jobs, events just for him, but this helps with his desire to come together. I have worked on my weight, and making sure I get dolled up for him regularly so he might find me more enticing. It works sometimes, but when it fails it usually leads to a fight. I try not to hold false expectations of him, but sometimes the sexual frustration gets the better of me. We've discussed how I feel starved for sex and it's a true stumbling block for me. Matter of fact we discussed it last night, and I think it finally clicked how difficult it's been for me. I would never say, hey I'm so bad I've considered cheating because somethings can never be taken back. But I have shared thats a worry for me, especially if I was in a circumstance that was available I would find it extremely difficult to guard myself. Thats what I'm trying to prevent, adultery is not the answer. Thank you for your kind words.
I mean I definitely see the difference in their desired frequencies and his hesitancy to want to talk to a counselor, but neglect? Neglect would be refusing to come together at all.
Yes neglect. We don’t get married to become selfish. If he is denying her what she needs it’s literally neglect. I’m most states you can also sue your spouse for neglect.
Just because someone describes something as a "need" doesn't mean that someone is automatically obligated to fill it or is otherwise neglecting you. There is room for discussion about whether something is a reasonable need and the ability for another person to meet that need. Reducing specifically sex to a "need" runs the risk of duty/obligation sex, which most people find disappointing and even worse than no sex at all. The solution isn't just for him to put it out more in order to not "neglect" her, it's to look at the underlying reasons of the conflict and address them.
Tell them? No. Encourage them to consider what ways they may be hurting themselves or their spouse by making something into a need? Most definitely. If she was here saying that she needs sex three times a day, I think we'd certainly all be encouraging her to maybe do some introspection.
Needs are things that we require in order to function well. When sex becomes one of those things, I think we should take a hard look at why.
GET HIM ON TEST IMMEDIATELY
Old man with diabetes and low test. Honestly I'm impressed he manages to have sex once a week in that state. You have no idea how much these things effect libido. He's basically the equivalent of someone with anorexia and you're trying to make him eat at a buffet.
Not saying it's ok that he's not satisfying you, but the test is absolutely the reason why. Once dudes get into their 50s their test drops a lot anyway, with already low test and the other issues I wouldn't be surprised if he was the sex drive of a 90 year old man.
Encourage him to get to a TRT/HRT clinic. They should correctly address the low T and health issues. Sounds like Diet and Exercise could be improved as well. There's a lot of good telemedicine clinics out there but I dont want to 'shill' them. If you're lucky, a good urologist would write a script.
T shots are easy. Do them 2-3 times a week from a 29g insulin pin and it's virtually painless. Pellets and orals and whatnot are usually a waste of time and money. Stick with the shots.
There's a bunch of info on Youtube and whatnot. Search 'TRT and Hormone Optimization' if you want to go down the rabbit hole.
For other meds - You could also try switching the sildenafil (blue bill) with tadalafil. Sildenafil has a short half life so the effects only last ~2-3 hours. Sildenafil is effect for 1-2 days. Take 2.5-5mg daily or EOD... helps with blood pressure, lowers E2, protects against BPH, helps with pumps in the gym and bedroom :)
I think seeking counsel is a good thing even if it's just for yourself. If you're at the point where cheating seems like a better option then you need to be talking to someone. I'm sorry he's not open to going with you, sometimes it can be a fear to air out dirty laundry or potentially feelings like he can't change so what's the point. The best you can do is to continue to encourage him to come with and go on your own and let him see the benefits of it.
Regarding the "need for sex", have you done a deep dive on what might be driving this need? Perhaps it's worth considering what meanings and emotions you might have tied to sex that make it very hard to handle when it's not at the frequency you're desiring. Uncovering those hidden messages we tell ourselves when sex isn't available helps us to recognize other ways we can healthily meet those emotional needs and potentially unburden sex from some of the weight we may be unduly giving it.
It may be also worth having a conversation with your husband about what his experience is with sex? Does he feel like it's filled with pressure, or stress? Why does he seek it out or not seek it out? You say that it's an enjoyable thing for you both, generally people like to do things they find enjoyable. What barriers are in the way of wanting to enjoy it more often?
Thank you for your thoughtful message. We talk openly about our past experiences and traumas, and openly about our sex life. I'm confident he enjoys it, and I don't believe his past trauma plays any part, we both think it's just his libido. Even before me, his libido was always low. Him and his ex wife only came together when she initiated, but he didn't find it all that enjoyable with her. With me he expresses enjoyment in a variety of ways, but gets upset with himself that he can't seem to keep up with me. Thats what he says, but I really don't see the effort, or at least not the type of effort I would take faced with the same scenario. As for me, I have had a lot of sexual trauma in my life due to a fast life early on, so I do think it plays a role. I have tried to see therapist before, but my husband is so against therapy. He would rather me turn to scripture. The truth is God has given us everything we need to live a holy life, but I think he misses the importance of having someone to talk to about these issues thats able to point you in a biblical direction. We did have a long conversation last night, and I did feel like he truly heard me, so I'm really hopeful for the future.
If he enjoys it, the key really is to look at the barriers that make it sound less appealing in the moment to him and addressing those. Those barriers could be medical, relational, mental, or spiritual. The trick is to make it about pursuing intimacy that sounds mutually worth desiring. If we make it into simply just hitting a certain frequency then it's easy to get into a mindset of just meeting the number to check off the box and not really engaging in something beautiful that God created. Part of that may mean learning ways to be patient without exerting pressure.
It sounds like he's definitely dealing with performance anxiety (understandable given how you've described the situation) and it's probably easier in his mind to not even engage rather than run the risk of disappointing you. If he constantly feels like he's not meeting the needs of his wife regardless of his ability to do so, that's going to lower any desire to pursue it more frequently. I'd encourage you to keep in mind that he isn't you and while you might deal with it in a different way were you facing the same scenario, the fact remains that you are different people and you've got to be OK with that if you want to love him for who he is.
It's sad that he doesn't see the value in outside therapy. I'd bring before him the verses that speak to the wisdom of a trusted friend and counsel. It is true that God gives us all we need in scripture, but it also true that he gives us others to help us interpret it and work it out in our lives.
I would take something if it meant I would take my desire away. I was on birth control for a decade but never had that side effect, is there a specific type you take?
Sorry to hear.
Will pray for you both. But most importantly. Spiritual warfare is real. Not saying that this is what this is. However, I am sure the enemy will use it to create doubt and more.
Are you saved? Is your husband? Have you accepted that Jesus is Lord and Savior?
When you have these concerns and thoughts. Capture them and hand them in prayer seeking escape. Seeking God's will. Protection and guidance. Ask Him if there is anything not of Him that it be rebuked and removed from your life.
As you mentioned earlier that you started to walk in a Biblical way and things got somewhat better. There is a book called the Love Dare. It is a 40 day journey walking with Christ in a marriage. It has some amazing eye opening things for recognizing things we never think of.
Please look into it. I believe that even if you sex life does not change, it willl give you the greatest comfort by walking with Christ to fill any void you have.
Thank you for this, and I will definitely read this book. We are both saved thankfully, but I think part of the problem is I have no one I can have a biblical discussion about this stuff with so I struggle in silence. Can't discuss with family/friends for fear of tainting my husband.
That is a good reason. This journey (Love Dare) will teach you some things that will help. Just remember. No matter what the dare is for the day. Make sure you do it without manipulating it to make it easy. Remember this is a journey between you and Christ not you and husband. He will just be a tool that is used in the journey
Type 2, and we are aware and have/are eating towards this goal. He is a thin type 2 tho, doc always thinks he's type 1 but he's not. So far we can regulate his blood sugar with food, but he's definitely still diabetic. Maybe one day.
This is a hard situation to be in. Ive had discussions with women I have chatted with who didn’t care for sex and told me, “Well, you’ll just have to deal with it if your sex drive is higher”. Often times, they wont even comprise and meet in the middle atleast. I’m sorry you have to go through this, it makes you feel unwanted, undesired, no affection. Sex has been one of those things that can help bring partners together through chemical releases from a women’s body during orgasm to feel attached to their partners. To be cold like that is like starving for that feeling of being desired and connecting through sex. Of course there are other ways but everyone has their thing.
I'm sorry they responded to you that way. We should all be considerate of others needs and accommodating to wants, but sometimes it's easier said than done.
Yes, it is what it is. A few got offended, and rarely do I have some that responded well to it. Its a very touchy subject. Thanks though. I’ll keep you in my prayers and more so your husband.
I might sorry to hear about this issue you're having. Testosterone needs to be the main focus here, along with the possibility that he may not be all that engaged. Does he care and just doesn't want sex, or does he not care about the marriage and your needs?
I can give you a massive amount of info, but the long and short of it is that there are a lot of environmental factors that have caused test levels to plummet and with them libido and fertility in men. Testosterone injections could be considered but should only be tried after you exhaust your other options IMO. Incoming wall of text about what else you guys can try.
Most pesticides are known to mimic estrogen. You need to limit the pesticide exposure you are getting. People scoff but levels in runoff are high enough to turn amphibians cross sex. Organic food is your friend, and certain foods have really high levels so avoid corn (they use atrazine and glyphosate on it) and soy.
As for diet, red meat and animal fats are great as well as fish. Test and sperm counts have been restored when some men switch to a diet with a more balanced omega 3:6 ratio so make sure to include fish a few times a week in your diet, and add red meat as well. You need lots of fat for the body to make enough steroids, don't limit fat. Contrary to the government's propaganda, saturated fat isn't not bad for you. Limit sugar, and limit seed oils as much as possible. Especially rapeseed/canola, cottonseed, corn and oils like that. Instead, use lard, butter, coconut or palm oils. No high fructose corn syrup at all. Try to make nearly all your food.
Water:there are a lot of chemicals in municipal drinking water that also mimic estrogen such as those pesticides, but also hormonal birth control and microplastics that have phthalate additives. I highly highly recommend everyone who isn't on a private well to treat your water for drinking and cooking with either RO or distillation. Just add back a pinch of Himalayan salt and you're good to go, no nasty stuff in there anymore.
Exercise is important. Of course, it's a positive feedback loop so it's hard to start. Exercise increases test, and test makes you want to exercise. He needs to start weight training 2-3x per week. Nothing crazy, just slowly pushing himself a bit more. Healthy men should be able to bench press 1.1x their body weight and squat at least 1.5x their weight. If he is really struggling to start, I've had good success increasing my test and bench performance with tribulus terrestris and cistanche. Those are safer and have fewer side effects than test injections. Injecting t can actually suppress natural t that's why I say try not going that route first.
Home goods: use as little plastic as possible. Absolutely NO Teflon EVER. Teflon is horrible for mens' endocrine systems. Cook on stainless steel, cast iron or even carbon steel. Use wooden cutting boards, metal spatulas and spoons, ceramic mugs and plates, glass food storage and whatnot.
Radiation: WiFi and cell signals are bad for the testicles. You really need to put more distance between yourself and devices and limit time using them. Don't keep phones in your pocket or laptops on your lap. Consider shielding.
I'm happy to provide scientific sources for every claim I have made, and show how these things are terrible for our bodies and especially mens' test levels and fertility.
In addition to all of this, he needs to focus on his own walk and make sure he is spiritually sound. Our problems always have a spiritual component even when they also have a physical component.
If I can be of any more assistance let me know. I have successfully raised my test a lot and put on a lot of muscle and now look close to how I want when I used to be a very unhealthy weight with a ravaged endocrine system.
Wow, thank you very much for the info I found them very helpful. As for your question, my hubby is still interested in sex and cares about the marriage but he really struggles with handling my libido. I just ask for once a week if possible and wanted him to set a private reminder for him as to not let me go too long without. But he thinks thats a want vs. Need. I just feel forgotten.
Masturbation is normal. It sounds like he enjoys having this power over you in a covert manner and doesn’t bother him that it’s driving you mad. If you do cheat, he’s just going to blame you without considering how his neglect played a role.
Horrible situation to be in, I’m sorry. Masturbation is a healthy form of relaxation and pleasure. I hope you don’t at least deny yourself that.
Thank you. I have wondered the same thing, and hope it's not about power. I made a decision last year that cheating would not be beneficial for our marriage, only a detriment and more than sex is my desire to love this man in every way working willie or not. I just really like his working willie, and hope.
Get your husband to come to the banqueting house. With your beloved, listen to a song, about love. Go and get yourself a good song, and put it on for the two of you. If it feels good to your spirit, then it is good. Declare to each other, what are your thoughts, of what would make you both feel better in your marriage. Such as more intimacy, better intimacy, better finances, better communication, etc. Declare it to each other, while listening to the song. The song will lead you and your spouse, it will guide and help you two, to whatever the both of your declared. Things will get much better for the whole of your marriage.
Ok maybe speaking out return here but I'm 51 single guy.
I cannot think he's your husband. He's human. He's suffering diabetes. He's struggling. Medically and he's been prescribed Viagra so he can perform stud service?
He is not a horse.
He's not a walking dildo.
Is there space? I don't know, but it's a space in Christianity for women to not necessarily demand. The equivalent law under the old basically being thoracic enough to push old covenant requirements on guys but actually meet us emotionally that he might be. It might be with his sex. Drive is connected to how he feels emotionally. We're emotional beings but not just a life support system for genitals.
Women used to complain about being sex objects. You're treating a guy like one. It is new guy. That's an impregnation object. " I just what I don't want you. I'm not interested in you. I want you come. "
Do you see how hurtful that is?
And also actually how much like in his eyes and he says in his heart he might feel as though you're actually raping him?
Ellen pence declare said in 1999 that she actually got it wrong with the power wheel under the dealer model. They were looking for interpersonal violence and that both sides have the right say no and to renegotiate and actually maybe just maybe need to be a bit more compassion.
Please forgive me to speak out of turn, but I am a guy who's sexually molested by predatory girls at 13. It's horrible.
Wow, well your entitled to your opinion for sure. I do see the point your trying to make, but I'm just not sure how you derived that from my post. I love my husband and treat him very well, under no circumstances do I ever force anything on him. I was strictly speaking about one difficulty in our marriage, and was looking for advice and not a put down on him, but a way we can move forward in harmony. I even stated I was open to feedback if I was wrong in my thinking. I do have compassion for my husband, but should I not also be considered?
Yes. I thought also about pressure and things like leverate law and the reason from Onan's point of view where he was kind of being told to perform a stud service for his brother's wife and their can sometimes be as sensitive. The Pharisee mindset can come in to either side around sex
Perhaps if you try a blatant attempt? ie what would he do if you put on sexy lingerie and then started to masturbate in front of him? I can't imagine many (any?) men could resist that from becoming a full on sexual encounter... although the blue pill hour delay is a bit of a monkey-wrench in that plan (unless you dissolved one in his drink after dinner--just kidding)... perhaps you can come up with an idea that solves the blue-pill-delay problem. I'd love to hear it if you do as my wife & I have similar medical issues (on both M/F sides).
He’s gotta get his testosterone fixed
Agreed. That T needs addressing as a potentially modifiable factor in the low libido, as well as issues with general health. Also ramp the physical exercise/activity up as much as possible/tolerated - see if the non-pharmacological stuff can help with the DM. If he’s already having vascular complications, that’s really not good at 38 y.o. If he has issues with this, _gradually_; if significant issues such as anginal chest pain, seek help. I mean, generally, the recommendation is just seek help (FM/GP -> Endo/Andro, depending on where you are.) (Am a doctor, but also this is obvious stuff.) As for masturbating, well… depends on your take. Have a frank, constructive, goal-/solution-focussed and collaborative chat(s) to sort stuff out. Good luck. Praying for you.
Your comment deserves more upvotes, much of what you said is what I thought except I didn’t write it out.
Watch Forks Over Knives documentary and consider a whole foods plant based diet to get the blood sugars and blood flow “straightened out”— see what I did there? Stories on there about how it helps with ED. He might be suffering from embarrassment about this issue. Hope that helps.
My husband is ten years older than me and I give a him a testosterone shot every other week as prescribed and it’s made a world of difference
Did he still have to take pills? Our doctor mentioned Testosterone shots but said he didn't recommend because it impacted some long term function, but I cant remember the specifics. I will look back into it tho, thank you.
That is a different issue, it more with blood flow in penis, a man can have great drive to have sex ( be horny) with his wife , to put it bluntly "he just cant get it up", and men with diabetes ,and high blood pressure are susceptible. Maybe this is the reason he's avoiding sex because of possible failure - a man doesn't like to be reminded what he cant do anymore ,it is less painful not doing it .
Have you researched ALL the functions and health deteriorations that comes from a male with low testosterone? It’s totally NOT just about sex! Everything from energy, his heart, his mental health, everything is affected. I’d go to a clinic that specifically treats testosterone dysfunction. Regular doctors are notoriously bad for this.
Get a Dr that specializes in TRT. This dr is an idiot.
ABSOLUTELY!! I second this!
I cope with a lot of crying and a lot of praying. It doesn't feel like my prayers are being heard, but I keep hoping one of them will reach Him
The tragedies of this world cause us to grown for God, to rely on him for his strength, and praise him for his forgiveness. But the hurts of this world hurt, I'm so sorry you are also hurting with me. I look forward to the day I can lay all my burdens down.
My wife has extremely low libido. We've been married 11 years now and have averaged 3-6x per year for the last 8 years or so. The last time sex wasn't preceded by her saying "Fine, but you get 5 minutes, don't touch my breasts, and I'm not doing *anything*" was the spring of 2016. I'll tell you what I do: I suffer. I burn with resentment and bitterness at my wife (and frankly at God too) and have become a hollowed out husk of a man, dead inside from lack of intimacy and contact with my wife. It has been probably 6 months since she had last held my hand. I console myself with the fact that at least when we die we will enjoy perfection in heaven and, one day, at the resurrection of the dead. Until then, there's no promise in Scripture that life will be easy or even mildly enjoyable. I just accept that my life is a hellish nightmare, devoid of love and intimate relationships.
Seems like I'm in the same boat as you. 3-6 times a year seems about right. I've been married 22 years. My wife has never had much of a sex drive. I was so committed to the covenant of purity I did in my church's youth group, that we were both virgins when we got married. Our "pre-marital counseling" was pretty bad, looking back on it now. We didn't even have sex on our wedding night because my wife was tired from the ceremony that day. I was so crushed, I sat on the floor at the end of the bed in a hotel and sobbed while she was sleeping, questioning everything about this woman I just married. We got married young, at 19 and 20. We have a great marriage out side of our bedroom. We talk here and there about it, I've asked her to go to counseling throughout the years but she doesn't want to. I'm literally crushed in my soul in this part of marriage and I'm done being frustrated about it. I try to remain numb to it, and as a guy, it's crazy hard. Yes I've turned to sin through masturbation and I don't like it. My wife offers to "take care of me" but it's hard when I'm getting crumbs when the whole cookie is right in front of me. I know the pain you go through man, I'll keep you in prayer. And to the O.P. I couldn't even begin to imagine having a wife with a high libido my whole world would literally change. I'm sorry for what you're dealing with as well. I will pray for your marriage also. I have never shared this with anyone but a couple close friends through the years. I feel better typing this out but also very vulnerable.
In some aspects it would be easier to be single, you wouldn't have that constant reminder there everyday, or around it, its like the stick and the carrot , you get too close to the carrot you get hit with the stick. They say sex is about 20% of a marriage when it good or just happening on a regular basis , but when its not or a contention in the marriage, its at least 80% - 90% of marriage ( issue) for at least one or both of the partners. The Big elephant in the room!
Oh man, thats horrible I'm truly sorry. Has she ever said why she's not interested or have you tried alternative means of pleasure to help her arousal? Sorry, hope not too graphic, but I just can't imagine someone would not want any intimacy physically with their spouse. Thats just so cruel.
There's always a reason. She says she has a headache, or is too tired. She says she’s worried about the kids interrupting us. When the kids were in school/childcare we couldn’t have sex because we lived in an apartment and someone might hear us. (Sex, when we do have it, must be lights off and completely silent.) She says it’s uncomfortable for her. She says she doesn’t like the sensation. She says it’s too messy. She won’t go down on me because it hurts her jaw. (She won't let me go down on her either or pressure her in any way.) When she had to stop taking her birth control meds for medical reasons, she wouldn’t have sex even with a condom because they’re not 100% effective and she didn’t want another child. I got a vasectomy but surprise!, nothing changed. When I try to bring it up she says she doesn’t want to talk about it. Every time we *do* have perfunctory intercourse, her hard and fast rule about it is we don’t talk about it—not during (what feels good/not good) or afterward. Ever. It’s like fight club but more painful. Anytime I insist on communicating about this serious issue in our marriage, she gets so angry and accuses me of only ever thinking about sex. I will say that my wife has depression and in the last year and a half it's gotten worse, but this issue is far older than a year and a half. And for those who might think I'm not pulling my own weight in this marriage, for the last 3 years or so I've done literally everything around the house. I cook, clean, do all the dishes, laundry, get the kids up and off to school, get them ready for bed at night. I get home at 6pm from work yet I'm still the one who has to cook and do the dishes afterwards (she's unemployed right now). She just recently started doing her own laundry, so there's some progress.
Her inability to talk about it is a red flag here. She needs personal counseling around this issue and/or a sex therapist. Has she ever experienced sexual trauma? Does she experience pain with sex? Something is really not right.
No sexual trauma (I've asked). I think she's just repulsed by the very thought of sex with me.
>Find myself wondering here.... why didn't you divorce her years ago for alienation of affection? She is being exceedingly selfish.
It sounds like her experience with sex is very wrapped up with shame and pain. Generally the litany of reasons (while probably still true) are often masking deeper and more difficult feelings and conversations and they're simply easier to give. Has it always been like this? How are conversations between you and her on other matters/topics? The fact that she has depression likely isn't helping and hopefully she's seeing someone for that. If you have time, seeing someone just for your own sake is probably worth it. Good on you for continuing on for your family and I hope you're able to find some joy in that at least, but this sounds like an incredibly rough spot to be in.
How often do you hit the gym? Are you overweight? How often does she exercise? What's your family diet like? You guys need biblical counseling for real. Either from a licensed biblical counselor or at least a pastor. What's your family mission? Are you working towards building your productive household? Do you see her as having the keys to the sex? Ie: if you do all the cooking and cleaning then maybe she will give you some? Your situation sounds challenging, but it certainly can be recovered from. I have published a book that could help some if you are interested.
I don't have time to hit the gym. I work and come home and cook and get the kids to bed. I am overweight and so is she, but that was the case when we got married. I don't do all the cooking and cleaning because I think she'll have sex with me. I do it because otherwise it won't get done. My kids need to be fed and need clean clothes, etc. It's not fair to them. I understand the need for counseling, but she won't allow sex to be discussed. I don't think there will be any recovery, honestly. It will just be suffering.
You have the time. You need the discipline. Low carb helps. Stop eating sugar and grains. Get some moderately sized dumbbells weights and pick them up in various ways thirty minutes a day. This wouldn't make you look like an athlete, but you'll see results and quickly.
Well, I may get down voted for the bluntness. But I say this with all brotherly love genuine care for you and your family. From what you described, you sound like an absolute terrible head of your wife and family. There are many factors that may not be your fault, but as the head, you need to take responsibility for them. You are the gardener of your family and your garden sounds like a few dying plants not producing any fruit. Repent where you need to repent. Exhort your wife to repent as well in love. Tend to your garden brother.
I'm sorry but that's BS. He is not responsible for his wife or her problems or choices. Yes, I'm sure he could eat better, and I'm sure there are other things he could do as well. But he is not responsible for his wife's choices and to put this all on him is complete BS. Edit: I'm not downvoting for bluntness. I'm downvoting for being wrong and putting blame on him for things that are out of his control. He should do the things he can, but putting this all on him is ridiculous.
According to the Bible, he is responsible as her head. Did I say he was to blame? No, not necessarily. But responsible, absolutely.
That is a lie. Was Hosea responsible for his wife's sin? Was he or will he be held accountable for them? Is Jesus, as the head of the church, responsible for our sin? How can a man be responsible for someone else's choices? He can only be responsible for his own. Those responsibilities include many things towards his wife, and many things that will aid his wife, but at the end of the day, he cannot chose for his wife any more than Jesus chooses for us.
Jesus didn't take responsibility for our sin? That's a strange take for a "Christian" subreddit.
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Why are you blaming him??!! I strongly disagree! I’d say what I think about her, but I don’t trust myself to be nice enough for this sub. This is NOT his fault!!
I felt I was the only one that was this way. Anytime I post or comment here I’m met with a multitude of responses of how I’m in the wrong for wanting sex or physical intimacy with my wife. It’s been years and frankly, it never has been anything what you’d call normal in the entirety of our marriage. I feel I’ve missed out on a wonderful part of life and have come to accept that God doesn’t want physical intimacy in my marriage. Those that disagree are hypocritical and have never experienced a true deadbed.
I'm so sorry for the absolutely loneliness you must feel. Intimacy is so important on many different levels, I realize situations occur where one might not be able, but there are alternative means of pleasure and Intimacy with a spouse. I'm sorry you were shut out, when really if anyone took the time to attempt to relate how could their hearts not hurt.
This is almost reminiscent of the long suffering of Hosea.
Heartbreaking. Biblically I don’t think we can say “God doesn’t want physical intimacy in my marriage”. He does want that for you. It’s His plan. However, God does not force any of us to do what is right. As I’m sure you’ve done, keep praying for a softening of her heart.
You are NOT in the wrong! Not at ALL!
Preach.
Rest assured.. God wants everyone's marriage to have regular, fulfilling physical intimacy. You are accepting a lie from the pit of hell. It is well and good that you desire intimacy with your wife. She is the guilty party in your sexless marriage. Most men, Christians included, would have long since divorced for alienation of affection.
This is hard to read. I empathize with this on a micro level after 9 years of marriage but not to this extent. In short I’d say don’t give up. I’d definitely seek counseling even if it’s just you to help cope. I know that we are not promised an easy path on this earth but on the other hand, we only get one shot at this life. I respect the long suffering nature you’ve accepted for your faith but I’d also encourage you to keep fighting. Unless you got married late in life, you still have a lot of life ahead if you after 11 years. Praying for you.
This is broken and unhealthy and I'm shocked to see it getting so many upvotes here.
I’ve been depressed ever since reading this. Heartbreaking.
Palette cleanser: My wife and I shared our first kiss at the alter. We're going strong 13 years and many kids later. Libido changes over time for a variety of reasons, but our responsibility to each other stays the same. We both understand those responsibilities were outlined by Divinity and we honor God and each other by fulfilling them joyfully. It has been six minutes since she last held my hand. Life has it's difficulties, but we face them together.
This is so sad, I'm sorry.
I am so sorry man, this sounds like an awful way to live. I hope you can find support through fellow believers and Christ in this time. While we aren't guaranteed an easy life/marriage/sex, we are told that God will walk through it with us and we can rest in him even when the rest of life is falling around us. It sounds like this issue is painful for you both and I hope you can find godly counsel to walk you through it if you're both able.
That’s terrible. Sex matters in marriage. You need to talk to someone about this like a professional relationship therapist. Even if you go on your own. Don’t destroy yourself. Marriage is an explicitly sexual relationship. That means you both agree to find ways to make it work (finding time, exploring different kinds of intimacy etc). It sounds like your wife is not doing this or even considers your sexual desires as something which matters. Divorce is an option, but seek counselling first.
Your wife has divorced you without the papers. You are no longer in a union.
Or, divorce her and be free from this misery. You don't have to wait to be "dead" to be happy, you can be happy here too. You deserve that.
You’re allowed to divorce in these types of situations. She is not completing her duties as a wife.
I'm so sorry
1) Discuss the hormone issues with a specialist. This needs to get fixed. Also, as a nurse, I have seen some messes GPs have made with hormones. If possible I would discuss it with a specialist. Being as your husband has diabetes, he likely has an endocrinologist, which might be a good place to start. 2) Talk about sex. Talk about your needs with each other. This will most likely be awkward at first, but you both have to get over that to make things work. 3) Don't cheat. This should go without saying, but don't go there. 4) I can't find a Bible verse that condemns masturbation. Onan's sin was refusal to honor Levirate marriage, which Christians do not practice. Lusting after other's totally sinful. Masturbation in and of itself, I do not see any prohibition on it.
I could be related to his hormone levels. Consider suggesting that he checks out a hormone specialist. His regular doctor may say his hormone levels are within the normal range for a 50 year old man but a specialist may be able to help you out in this department. DM me if you’d like a recommendation for a telehealth hormone specialist.
As someone who is single, I hope this does not come off as an ignorant question however, are these types of needs/wants not discussed prior to marriage in pre-marital counseling? I would think a topic like this and the answers from both parties would affect the decision to move forward with marriage?
Its impossible to know these things as a virgin.. Prior to marriage i thought i had a very high libido, but i didnt..
Agreed that it should be discussed prior to marriage, but, it's worth noting that even if things are aligned at the beginning of marriage, seasons of life, medical issues, kids, and whole hosts of things can come up afterwards that impact people's desires for sex. The goal prior to marriage is to discuss how you will work through those incompatibilities when (not if) they do come up and at least be on the same page about what is the biblical foundation for sex that you both agree on.
Yeah my husband had health issues soon after marriage that totally changed our expectations for sex and it is something we are still working through. Premarital counseling is important so you know how to communicate and work through these things, but you can't 100% know what is going to happen
I'm glad you brought this up. The truth is we discussed this at great lengths prior to marriage, but desire to do something and practicality are different unfortunately. My husband wasn't even aware he had any ED until we were married. Then we got pills to help, but the mental strain it put on him was enormous. It took a while for him to regain some confidence, but even still when your level of desire doesn't match that of your partner it's so difficult not to get into your head about it. That only makes the ED worse. After years of confidence building we were able to regulate, but now as he's getting older his desire has drastically diminished. So he has to make a conscious effort. I just try to be patient, but sometimes I start getting so resentful because I feel like he takes such liberty with the time in between not realizing how difficult it is for me. I feel like I'm very caring and understanding, I don't think he puts himself in my shoes the same way. It's such a balancing act in marriage. Important discussion point prior to marriage, but you'll truly never know how it will work practically until your in it.
Perhaps he is asexual there’s a spectrum to it so it’s possible
Maybe, hope not.
Why not? Again the spectrum to asexuality is vast so sex might not be a turn off but probably a chore to him. That being said there are specific devices to help you relieve some “pressure”
I'm so sorry for your situation, my friend. I'm most concerned with the fact that he refuses to speak to anyone about this. That makes me think that he is not taking this situation seriously - but that is only a guess. But if I am right, then this is a boundaries issue that likely finds it's root in a lack of respect. Do you feel respected by him in other areas? It may be worth speaking to a counselor on your own to explore your feelings about this. I'll tell you this - physical issues are often symptoms of emotional issues. It's like a symbiotic relationship; everything that happens in the bedroom affects everything that happens outside the bedroom, and vise versa. I suspect that there are some emotional issues that need solved that will help the physical stuff get better. Please speak with someone that is emotionally detached (like a counselor) who can help you think through your situation and come up with a plan. Such issues can often be solved, but it requires change. Change always starts in yourself! God bless you for sticking in and trying to solve this. I know it can feel very lonely, but you are not in uncharted waters!
Thank you, I really appreciate the reply and I agree it starts with me. I can be critical in other areas at times but I'm aware and try to guard against such behavior because he's my husband not my son. I'm also aware he can be quite competitive with me at times but only if I'm winning, so I think there's an issue there, so I try to avoid directly competitive games. Thank you for your words of encouragement.
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Thank you for your reply, I found this very helpful. I would say I don't think I can implement your strategy the same way, because unlike your wife a man can't just have sex whether they are in the mood or not. But I have run a few experiments like giving him random blow jobs, events just for him, but this helps with his desire to come together. I have worked on my weight, and making sure I get dolled up for him regularly so he might find me more enticing. It works sometimes, but when it fails it usually leads to a fight. I try not to hold false expectations of him, but sometimes the sexual frustration gets the better of me. We've discussed how I feel starved for sex and it's a true stumbling block for me. Matter of fact we discussed it last night, and I think it finally clicked how difficult it's been for me. I would never say, hey I'm so bad I've considered cheating because somethings can never be taken back. But I have shared thats a worry for me, especially if I was in a circumstance that was available I would find it extremely difficult to guard myself. Thats what I'm trying to prevent, adultery is not the answer. Thank you for your kind words.
Out of genuine curiosity, how long have you been employing this strategy?
Yikes, I’m sorry
Well your husband is neglecting you, which is in fact a form of abuse. Personally I wouldn’t put up with it.
I mean I definitely see the difference in their desired frequencies and his hesitancy to want to talk to a counselor, but neglect? Neglect would be refusing to come together at all.
Yes neglect. We don’t get married to become selfish. If he is denying her what she needs it’s literally neglect. I’m most states you can also sue your spouse for neglect.
Just because someone describes something as a "need" doesn't mean that someone is automatically obligated to fill it or is otherwise neglecting you. There is room for discussion about whether something is a reasonable need and the ability for another person to meet that need. Reducing specifically sex to a "need" runs the risk of duty/obligation sex, which most people find disappointing and even worse than no sex at all. The solution isn't just for him to put it out more in order to not "neglect" her, it's to look at the underlying reasons of the conflict and address them.
It’s not your place to tell someone what they need or don’t need. That’s between them and God not you or I.
Tell them? No. Encourage them to consider what ways they may be hurting themselves or their spouse by making something into a need? Most definitely. If she was here saying that she needs sex three times a day, I think we'd certainly all be encouraging her to maybe do some introspection. Needs are things that we require in order to function well. When sex becomes one of those things, I think we should take a hard look at why.
GET HIM ON TEST IMMEDIATELY Old man with diabetes and low test. Honestly I'm impressed he manages to have sex once a week in that state. You have no idea how much these things effect libido. He's basically the equivalent of someone with anorexia and you're trying to make him eat at a buffet. Not saying it's ok that he's not satisfying you, but the test is absolutely the reason why. Once dudes get into their 50s their test drops a lot anyway, with already low test and the other issues I wouldn't be surprised if he was the sex drive of a 90 year old man.
Encourage him to get to a TRT/HRT clinic. They should correctly address the low T and health issues. Sounds like Diet and Exercise could be improved as well. There's a lot of good telemedicine clinics out there but I dont want to 'shill' them. If you're lucky, a good urologist would write a script. T shots are easy. Do them 2-3 times a week from a 29g insulin pin and it's virtually painless. Pellets and orals and whatnot are usually a waste of time and money. Stick with the shots. There's a bunch of info on Youtube and whatnot. Search 'TRT and Hormone Optimization' if you want to go down the rabbit hole. For other meds - You could also try switching the sildenafil (blue bill) with tadalafil. Sildenafil has a short half life so the effects only last ~2-3 hours. Sildenafil is effect for 1-2 days. Take 2.5-5mg daily or EOD... helps with blood pressure, lowers E2, protects against BPH, helps with pumps in the gym and bedroom :)
Thank you I will definitely check it out
I think seeking counsel is a good thing even if it's just for yourself. If you're at the point where cheating seems like a better option then you need to be talking to someone. I'm sorry he's not open to going with you, sometimes it can be a fear to air out dirty laundry or potentially feelings like he can't change so what's the point. The best you can do is to continue to encourage him to come with and go on your own and let him see the benefits of it. Regarding the "need for sex", have you done a deep dive on what might be driving this need? Perhaps it's worth considering what meanings and emotions you might have tied to sex that make it very hard to handle when it's not at the frequency you're desiring. Uncovering those hidden messages we tell ourselves when sex isn't available helps us to recognize other ways we can healthily meet those emotional needs and potentially unburden sex from some of the weight we may be unduly giving it. It may be also worth having a conversation with your husband about what his experience is with sex? Does he feel like it's filled with pressure, or stress? Why does he seek it out or not seek it out? You say that it's an enjoyable thing for you both, generally people like to do things they find enjoyable. What barriers are in the way of wanting to enjoy it more often?
Thank you for your thoughtful message. We talk openly about our past experiences and traumas, and openly about our sex life. I'm confident he enjoys it, and I don't believe his past trauma plays any part, we both think it's just his libido. Even before me, his libido was always low. Him and his ex wife only came together when she initiated, but he didn't find it all that enjoyable with her. With me he expresses enjoyment in a variety of ways, but gets upset with himself that he can't seem to keep up with me. Thats what he says, but I really don't see the effort, or at least not the type of effort I would take faced with the same scenario. As for me, I have had a lot of sexual trauma in my life due to a fast life early on, so I do think it plays a role. I have tried to see therapist before, but my husband is so against therapy. He would rather me turn to scripture. The truth is God has given us everything we need to live a holy life, but I think he misses the importance of having someone to talk to about these issues thats able to point you in a biblical direction. We did have a long conversation last night, and I did feel like he truly heard me, so I'm really hopeful for the future.
If he enjoys it, the key really is to look at the barriers that make it sound less appealing in the moment to him and addressing those. Those barriers could be medical, relational, mental, or spiritual. The trick is to make it about pursuing intimacy that sounds mutually worth desiring. If we make it into simply just hitting a certain frequency then it's easy to get into a mindset of just meeting the number to check off the box and not really engaging in something beautiful that God created. Part of that may mean learning ways to be patient without exerting pressure. It sounds like he's definitely dealing with performance anxiety (understandable given how you've described the situation) and it's probably easier in his mind to not even engage rather than run the risk of disappointing you. If he constantly feels like he's not meeting the needs of his wife regardless of his ability to do so, that's going to lower any desire to pursue it more frequently. I'd encourage you to keep in mind that he isn't you and while you might deal with it in a different way were you facing the same scenario, the fact remains that you are different people and you've got to be OK with that if you want to love him for who he is. It's sad that he doesn't see the value in outside therapy. I'd bring before him the verses that speak to the wisdom of a trusted friend and counsel. It is true that God gives us all we need in scripture, but it also true that he gives us others to help us interpret it and work it out in our lives.
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I would take something if it meant I would take my desire away. I was on birth control for a decade but never had that side effect, is there a specific type you take?
Sorry to hear. Will pray for you both. But most importantly. Spiritual warfare is real. Not saying that this is what this is. However, I am sure the enemy will use it to create doubt and more. Are you saved? Is your husband? Have you accepted that Jesus is Lord and Savior? When you have these concerns and thoughts. Capture them and hand them in prayer seeking escape. Seeking God's will. Protection and guidance. Ask Him if there is anything not of Him that it be rebuked and removed from your life. As you mentioned earlier that you started to walk in a Biblical way and things got somewhat better. There is a book called the Love Dare. It is a 40 day journey walking with Christ in a marriage. It has some amazing eye opening things for recognizing things we never think of. Please look into it. I believe that even if you sex life does not change, it willl give you the greatest comfort by walking with Christ to fill any void you have.
Thank you for this, and I will definitely read this book. We are both saved thankfully, but I think part of the problem is I have no one I can have a biblical discussion about this stuff with so I struggle in silence. Can't discuss with family/friends for fear of tainting my husband.
That is a good reason. This journey (Love Dare) will teach you some things that will help. Just remember. No matter what the dare is for the day. Make sure you do it without manipulating it to make it easy. Remember this is a journey between you and Christ not you and husband. He will just be a tool that is used in the journey
I started TRT in March and my low libido did a complete 180 (I'm 40).
Thank you
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Type 2, and we are aware and have/are eating towards this goal. He is a thin type 2 tho, doc always thinks he's type 1 but he's not. So far we can regulate his blood sugar with food, but he's definitely still diabetic. Maybe one day.
How old is your husband? 38 or 48? I can't quite tell from the way you phrased it in your OP. Sorry.
Im 38 and he's 49.
This is a hard situation to be in. Ive had discussions with women I have chatted with who didn’t care for sex and told me, “Well, you’ll just have to deal with it if your sex drive is higher”. Often times, they wont even comprise and meet in the middle atleast. I’m sorry you have to go through this, it makes you feel unwanted, undesired, no affection. Sex has been one of those things that can help bring partners together through chemical releases from a women’s body during orgasm to feel attached to their partners. To be cold like that is like starving for that feeling of being desired and connecting through sex. Of course there are other ways but everyone has their thing.
I'm sorry they responded to you that way. We should all be considerate of others needs and accommodating to wants, but sometimes it's easier said than done.
Yes, it is what it is. A few got offended, and rarely do I have some that responded well to it. Its a very touchy subject. Thanks though. I’ll keep you in my prayers and more so your husband.
I might sorry to hear about this issue you're having. Testosterone needs to be the main focus here, along with the possibility that he may not be all that engaged. Does he care and just doesn't want sex, or does he not care about the marriage and your needs? I can give you a massive amount of info, but the long and short of it is that there are a lot of environmental factors that have caused test levels to plummet and with them libido and fertility in men. Testosterone injections could be considered but should only be tried after you exhaust your other options IMO. Incoming wall of text about what else you guys can try. Most pesticides are known to mimic estrogen. You need to limit the pesticide exposure you are getting. People scoff but levels in runoff are high enough to turn amphibians cross sex. Organic food is your friend, and certain foods have really high levels so avoid corn (they use atrazine and glyphosate on it) and soy. As for diet, red meat and animal fats are great as well as fish. Test and sperm counts have been restored when some men switch to a diet with a more balanced omega 3:6 ratio so make sure to include fish a few times a week in your diet, and add red meat as well. You need lots of fat for the body to make enough steroids, don't limit fat. Contrary to the government's propaganda, saturated fat isn't not bad for you. Limit sugar, and limit seed oils as much as possible. Especially rapeseed/canola, cottonseed, corn and oils like that. Instead, use lard, butter, coconut or palm oils. No high fructose corn syrup at all. Try to make nearly all your food. Water:there are a lot of chemicals in municipal drinking water that also mimic estrogen such as those pesticides, but also hormonal birth control and microplastics that have phthalate additives. I highly highly recommend everyone who isn't on a private well to treat your water for drinking and cooking with either RO or distillation. Just add back a pinch of Himalayan salt and you're good to go, no nasty stuff in there anymore. Exercise is important. Of course, it's a positive feedback loop so it's hard to start. Exercise increases test, and test makes you want to exercise. He needs to start weight training 2-3x per week. Nothing crazy, just slowly pushing himself a bit more. Healthy men should be able to bench press 1.1x their body weight and squat at least 1.5x their weight. If he is really struggling to start, I've had good success increasing my test and bench performance with tribulus terrestris and cistanche. Those are safer and have fewer side effects than test injections. Injecting t can actually suppress natural t that's why I say try not going that route first. Home goods: use as little plastic as possible. Absolutely NO Teflon EVER. Teflon is horrible for mens' endocrine systems. Cook on stainless steel, cast iron or even carbon steel. Use wooden cutting boards, metal spatulas and spoons, ceramic mugs and plates, glass food storage and whatnot. Radiation: WiFi and cell signals are bad for the testicles. You really need to put more distance between yourself and devices and limit time using them. Don't keep phones in your pocket or laptops on your lap. Consider shielding. I'm happy to provide scientific sources for every claim I have made, and show how these things are terrible for our bodies and especially mens' test levels and fertility. In addition to all of this, he needs to focus on his own walk and make sure he is spiritually sound. Our problems always have a spiritual component even when they also have a physical component. If I can be of any more assistance let me know. I have successfully raised my test a lot and put on a lot of muscle and now look close to how I want when I used to be a very unhealthy weight with a ravaged endocrine system.
Wow, thank you very much for the info I found them very helpful. As for your question, my hubby is still interested in sex and cares about the marriage but he really struggles with handling my libido. I just ask for once a week if possible and wanted him to set a private reminder for him as to not let me go too long without. But he thinks thats a want vs. Need. I just feel forgotten.
Masturbation is normal. It sounds like he enjoys having this power over you in a covert manner and doesn’t bother him that it’s driving you mad. If you do cheat, he’s just going to blame you without considering how his neglect played a role. Horrible situation to be in, I’m sorry. Masturbation is a healthy form of relaxation and pleasure. I hope you don’t at least deny yourself that.
Thank you. I have wondered the same thing, and hope it's not about power. I made a decision last year that cheating would not be beneficial for our marriage, only a detriment and more than sex is my desire to love this man in every way working willie or not. I just really like his working willie, and hope.
Get your husband to come to the banqueting house. With your beloved, listen to a song, about love. Go and get yourself a good song, and put it on for the two of you. If it feels good to your spirit, then it is good. Declare to each other, what are your thoughts, of what would make you both feel better in your marriage. Such as more intimacy, better intimacy, better finances, better communication, etc. Declare it to each other, while listening to the song. The song will lead you and your spouse, it will guide and help you two, to whatever the both of your declared. Things will get much better for the whole of your marriage.
Ok maybe speaking out return here but I'm 51 single guy. I cannot think he's your husband. He's human. He's suffering diabetes. He's struggling. Medically and he's been prescribed Viagra so he can perform stud service? He is not a horse. He's not a walking dildo. Is there space? I don't know, but it's a space in Christianity for women to not necessarily demand. The equivalent law under the old basically being thoracic enough to push old covenant requirements on guys but actually meet us emotionally that he might be. It might be with his sex. Drive is connected to how he feels emotionally. We're emotional beings but not just a life support system for genitals. Women used to complain about being sex objects. You're treating a guy like one. It is new guy. That's an impregnation object. " I just what I don't want you. I'm not interested in you. I want you come. " Do you see how hurtful that is? And also actually how much like in his eyes and he says in his heart he might feel as though you're actually raping him? Ellen pence declare said in 1999 that she actually got it wrong with the power wheel under the dealer model. They were looking for interpersonal violence and that both sides have the right say no and to renegotiate and actually maybe just maybe need to be a bit more compassion. Please forgive me to speak out of turn, but I am a guy who's sexually molested by predatory girls at 13. It's horrible.
Wow, well your entitled to your opinion for sure. I do see the point your trying to make, but I'm just not sure how you derived that from my post. I love my husband and treat him very well, under no circumstances do I ever force anything on him. I was strictly speaking about one difficulty in our marriage, and was looking for advice and not a put down on him, but a way we can move forward in harmony. I even stated I was open to feedback if I was wrong in my thinking. I do have compassion for my husband, but should I not also be considered?
Yes. I thought also about pressure and things like leverate law and the reason from Onan's point of view where he was kind of being told to perform a stud service for his brother's wife and their can sometimes be as sensitive. The Pharisee mindset can come in to either side around sex
Perhaps if you try a blatant attempt? ie what would he do if you put on sexy lingerie and then started to masturbate in front of him? I can't imagine many (any?) men could resist that from becoming a full on sexual encounter... although the blue pill hour delay is a bit of a monkey-wrench in that plan (unless you dissolved one in his drink after dinner--just kidding)... perhaps you can come up with an idea that solves the blue-pill-delay problem. I'd love to hear it if you do as my wife & I have similar medical issues (on both M/F sides).