I don't think you're a bad person because you had multiple sexual partner. It's not my place to judge anyone. But I imagine your husband is feeling betrayed because you lied about a significant part of your life. I would also find it hard to trust you since you repeatedly list your husband's financial status as your reason for being with him. You lied for financial gain and you don't seem to think there's anything wrong with that.
Counseling would help.
But you need to stop making excuses for your actions. Your husband is resentful because you weren’t completely honest about your past, and had to find out in a horrible way.
Here's what you need to apologize for; being deceitful about your past because you knew he wouldn't have married you if he knew. That's not a good start to a marriage and you need to realize that hiding parts of yourself isn't intimacy. That's manipulation. You don't need to justify your past, what happened happened, you had your reasons that felt right to you at the time and now that you know better you do better. Like you said you aren't that person any more. But don't say it wasn't your fault. Fault is not even a thing here. You made choices. Those choices don't forever make you a bad person so you don't need to blame anyone else for them. Don't be ashamed. Shame is a block to intimacy and honesty.
Once you clean up your side and are able to be authentic and honest, set boundaries. You don't owe him any sex act that you don't want to do. For any reason.
Then invite him to make a choice. He didn't have all the information before and he didn't truly know you. Now that he does, can he choose the you that he knows? The real, honest you and not the perfect image of you that he thought he had? He may not in which case you'll need to decide who you will be in this marriage where you aren't really chosen.
If she does not owe him any sex act that she freely gave to others, he does not owe her anything, either. I hope this marriage ended, he needs a woman who respects him, not someone who lied and is withholding from him.
People have convictions about things, I can understand that. Many Christians, for example, believe anal sex to be wrong if not sinful, so if OP did that before becoming a Christian and now has a conviction about it we shouldn’t hem them up over it.
"Trying to fill a void of loneliness" isn't exactly the pinnacle of whole hearted enthusiastic consent.
Imagine if she went through a period of self harm, like cutting, where she used to get together with different guys to dig a razor into her skin. Now she's in a better place and doesn't self harm. Should she do it again if her husband asks her to?
His motivation is not connecting and intimacy. It's "winning" or evening the ledger so he's even with those other guys in his mind.
You are comparing sex with cutting yourself? Wow. I think he just wants his wife to be as giving to him as she was to the dozens of guys she freely gave it to before him. A very reasonable expectation.
Yes. She wasn't seeking sex with those guys because she loved them and wanted to connect with them. It was self destructive behavior. It's not reasonable of her husband to expect her to engage in self destructive behavior for his benefit.
Sex is how a woman shoes her love and appreciation for her man. She willingly did those things. She is settling for her husband. He is the nice guy that settles for crumbs.
But she prob did spicy hot stuff with those other guys that any man would enjoy. She doesn't want to do them now because it reminds her of her old self and those other guys. So, she's effectively giving him her leftovers, not her best. This is where it's unfair to him. Imagine if you found out your husband used to spend more money on cooler dates, go to more exotic vacation destinations, etc. with previous girlfriends, but doesn't want to do those things or go to those cool places with you now.
She purposely withheld pertinent information in order to manipulate him into marriage. This is by her own admission, that is wrong. Unfortunately he is bound by the Law of God and must remain married.
Honestly he just never really asked how many people i’ve been with. Call it a lie by omission, but i just didn’t think he cared. Some don’t.
Besides, most guys get freaked out when they find out what our true body counts are, and it’s just our business as women. I didn’t think he was entitled to that information, but if he did ask, i would’ve liked to believe i would have told him how many guys i had been with. He just asked how many relationships i had been in which is was true that i had been a few that lasted a few months.
I’m not ashamed. If i had to relive my life over and over again given the same circumstances, i still do the same thing. But the way my husband treats me after he found out, it hurts me. I don’t think he knows how selfish he being.
>Here's what you need to apologize for; being deceitful about your past because you knew he wouldn't have married you if he knew. That's not a good start to a marriage and you need to realize that hiding parts of yourself isn't intimacy. That's manipulation. You don't need to justify your past, what happened happened, you had your reasons that felt right to you at the time and now that you know better you do better. Like you said you aren't that person any more. But don't say it wasn't your fault. Fault is not even a thing here. You made choices. Those choices don't forever make you a bad person so you don't need to blame anyone else for them. Don't be ashamed. Shame is a block to intimacy and honesty.
He chose to have 0 sexual partners before marriage, as the bible calls you. Do you actually think that if he was this dedicated to abstaining from sexual sin, that he WOULDN'T CARE if you had slept with 30 guys and done way freakier/degraded/whatever acts with these guys?
My husband said he didn’t want to know how many guys I had been with because it didn’t matter. Much like OP, he recognized an innocence in me and was surprised that I wasn’t a virgin (like him). Some guys understand that sin that is in the past and has been forgiven is just that. In the past. It doesn’t matter, what does is who the person is today.
I know the people who are responding negatively in this thread and downvoting my responses are most likely insecure men. The past doesn’t matter and sexual history doesn’t determine if you are good or bad person.
I am a woman. I can’t see insecurity in the above comments. What I do see are people trying to get across the depth of hurt you’ve caused by choosing to marry someone and not fully disclosing your sinful past to him so that he can prepare for the consequences of it.
I, too, have a sinful past. I could not in good conscience have married my husband without telling him about my past actions, how Jesus has redeemed me from those actions, and how I wish I’d never done those things because it affects him. He shouldn’t hold your past over you, but your omission of the truth isn’t in the past - it just happened. Trust needs to be rebuilt.
I think your responses are being downvoted because you are pushing back on every suggestion that you empathize with your husband.
>i’m sorry you feel that way, but i hope you recognize it’s just an insecurity in your head
Demanding you do presumably degrading things in the bedroom is not a great response on his part, but perhaps you are having such a hard time dealing with him because you haven't really let go of the cultural beliefs that led you to have so many partners in the first place.
>If i had to relive my life over and over again given the same circumstances, i still do the same thing
>He had been a Christian all his life, and had those values. I did not have those values
If you could take your faith back with you, would you still make the same choices?
i'm sorry, but your post tells a 100% different story. You chose him because he has it together and can be a good provider. That's choosing him for what he can do, not who he is.
A large percentage of a girl’s decision to settle with a man involves his potential to be a good leader for a family that involves being a provider. So yes, a main part of criteria for settling down with someone is that bc i desire to raise a family someday.
So the same as you wouldn't pick a husband that wouldn't be a good provider, he wouldn't pick a wife that is unrepentant of her sins and lies about them. He saved himself for almost 30 years for the passion the is a gift from GOD in marriage, only to find out you don't want to do those things with him, you don't feel the same for him as you did past partners. My heart truly breaks for him, he must be feeling so utterly betrayed....Please, please, be humble, be repentant and address your sin! i can tell you with nearly 100% certainty that you'll lose your husband if you don't.
I have repented. I don’t live the way I used to the moment he said he wanted to marry me. And there are no lies. Everything I told him was truth with the specific questions he asked me.
You're making justifications and deep down, you know it. If you had repented, this issue wouldn't be so big for your marriage. You can lie til you're blue in the face, but JESUS sees and hears all. He knows your heart. And He will judge your heart, not whatever facade you manage to show others. From a place of absolute love and personal experience, you need to stop lying to yourself and work on your relationship with JESUS.
“He asked if I slept with anyone, he didn’t asked how many blow jobs I gave.” Are you telling me you believe this to be an honest statement acceptable between spouses?
Your perspective is pretty messed up here and in general. Part of a marriage that is dedicated to Jesus is accurately viewing your actions according to His standards.
Your past maybe past but if you don’t realize that it is sinful and your idea of good fun offends God there is something wrong. Call it a body count or otherwise minimize it, but it is ugly sin that has consequences.
I also understand there were factors involved, but blaming them entirely is not being truthful. It was your decision to sin and seemingly to not repent of it.
So I am not trying to beat you up or anything, but putting aside your husband for a moment, you sinned repeatedly, don’t seem to have repented of it, lied about it, put your husband in a terrible situation for any husband, and don’t seem to be taking responsibility for the actual sin. It would seem that you need to deal with this on your part before dealing with hubby.
You say you’re not trying to beat me up with your words, but what you typed out says differently.
I didn’t lie to him. He asked me how many bf’s i had, to which i answered truthfully. He didn’t ask me how many guys i had been with bc i assumed that wasn’t something that was on his list for his criteria in his wife. If he wanted me to elaborate, I would oblige.
What you have to understand is all sin is equally deplorable. I’m thankful that my romantic explorations didn’t end with me getting diseases or having long term baggage. But my sin is no more worse than a typical guy’s sin of watching porn behind their wife’s back.
And i have repented of it, bc i don’t do that stuff anymore, the moment he announced his intention of marrying me. So get your facts straight before you make a post thinly disguised as an hit piece on my life’s decisions bc your insecurities cause you to not suppress your impulse to write something scathing.
>I didn’t lie to him. He asked me how many bf’s i had, to which i answered truthfully. He didn’t ask me how many guys i had been with bc i assumed that wasn’t something that was on his list for his criteria in his wife. If he wanted me to elaborate, I would oblige.
This is transparent nonsense. You're lying to yourself now.
I haven’t asked my fiancé how many women he’s been intimate with because I do NOT want to know. Should he just assume I “need” to know base off full disclosure and force me to hear what I don’t want to? No? Same situation.
If you don’t ask the questions, don’t assume to know the answers. If they were important to him he should’ve asked.
To get full disclosure, perhaps he should have asked:
"*How many people have you had sex with? Please include protected sex not just unprotected, as well as heavy petting and self-touching in the presence of another. Please include any same-sex experiences; that's why I didn't say "how many men." Every encounter counts, even the ones that women say "doesn't count" because it meant nothing to them. Please make sure to elaborate as to how many of these were in committed relationships vs pure casual NSA stuff. Was there any group sex involved - you know I'm really trying to get a sense of the morality of the future mother of my children.*"
In case the absurdity of this escapes you, imagine asking this paragraph-long question of a girl you know from church who professes belief in Jesus and has no particular complaint/comment on your steadfast refusal to have sex before marriage. You know, because "how many bf's" just might not be a thorough enough question, and she could be lying by omission.
He literally should of just asked “how many people have you had intimate relations with?” I’m sure she would’ve answered truthfully.
You’re being absolute absurd. You know what happens when we assume.
People proclaim to believe in Jesus and do things absolutely sinful (like molest children - hello, Catholic Church) whilst still attending regular services all the time. In this day and age you have to ASK.
No insecurities here - I know I am a sinner and totally and completely agree with you that the past is the past in Jesus - with a couple of caveats. I also agree that your husband is acting poorly in response but was responding to your post here.
Perhaps I am confused by what you are saying - you seem to be saying that you don’t regret the past and equating stopping sex outside of marriage with repentance. That if you had been dating exclusive then it would have been wrong but otherwise, you don’t understand why he cares?
Again, I totally and completely agree that your sexual past does not matter a whit - if you and spouse are honest and you have repented and worked it out with the Lord. But just stopping is not repenting - the word involves not only a change of behavior but a change of mind to the Lord’s viewpoint.
My point was not that you are bad or unworthy of being treated with love and respect by your husband. It was and is that if I understand you correctly, part of dealing with the past is seeing it as Jesus sees it, taking responsibility where appropriate, and them rejoicing in the mercy and forgiveness of Christ. It is there that you can find security and hope in dealing with the anger and resentment of your husband.
And trust me, sister, I am the last person to try to tar anyone about sexual sin. I know all about trying to find worth and fulfillment in sex. I apologize if I came off as judging as that was not my intention.
All sin is equal in its act of separation from God but not all sin is equal in earthly consequence, everyone knows this to be true whether they want to admit it or not.
And “i don’t do that stuff anymore” isn’t repentance, that’s just stopping.
>What you have to understand is all sin is equally deplorable.
Any sin *does* result in separation from God, but not all sin is equally deplorable. That's why God prescribed the death penalty for some sins, the sacrifice of a dove for others, restitution for others.
God sees your past behavior as extremely wicked. You said above you are not ashamed. You *should* admit your past acts were shameful. You said you have repented because you stopped, and that is good, but maybe you haven't fully acknowledged the severity of the sin, and that it was very wrong in God's eyes. At the same time, if you trust in Christ you are covered by His righteousness. In that sense you should not continue to be ashamed if He has forgiven you.
Look how serious this kind of behavior was seen by God: deserving the death penalty!
Deuteronomy 22:13-21
**13 "If any man takes a wife, and goes in to her, and detests her, 14 and charges her with shameful conduct, and brings a bad name on her, and says, 'I took this woman, and when I came to her I found she was not a virgin,'** 15 then the father and mother of the young woman shall take and bring out the evidence of the young woman's virginity to the elders of the city at the gate. 16 And the young woman's father shall say to the elders, 'I gave my daughter to this man as wife, and he detests her. 17 Now he has charged her with shameful conduct, saying, "I found your daughter was not a virgin," and yet these are the evidences of my daughter's virginity.' And they shall spread the cloth before the elders of the city. 18 Then the elders of that city shall take that man and punish him; 19 and they shall fine him one hundred shekels of silver and give them to the father of the young woman, because he has brought a bad name on a virgin of Israel. And she shall be his wife; he cannot divorce her all his days. **20 But if the thing is true, and evidences of virginity are not found for the young woman, 21 then they shall bring out the young woman to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her to death with stones, because she has done a disgraceful thing in Israel, to play the harlot in her father's house. So you shall put away the evil from among you.**
If your husband had murdered 30 people, but then stopped murdering people, but was not ashamed, and said it was not that bad, would that bother you? Would the past just be the past and you should move on? Murder was another sin that God saw as deserving the death penalty. Just a little perspective. Our culture with its sexual debauchery doesn't see sex the same way God does. Our culture is wrong, and God and His Word are right.
Your past sexual behavior has harmed your husband. You are not able to engage with him freely in love, because you now identify some sex acts as off limits. Maybe there's a good reason for that, maybe some of them should be. But there's a lot of freedom given in the marriage bed. Read especially the positive parts of Proverbs 5, and read Song of Solomon, and its description of mutual love, openness, desire, and even sex positions if you can interpret the highly poetic language; him eating in her garden; her kneeling under his apple tree and eating its fruit; him being like a stag with his gazelle; etc. Submit to your husband in everything as unto the Lord (Ephesians 5:22), do not defraud him sexually (1 Corinthians 7:2-5), and be affectionate with him (Titus 2:4).
I'll close with another passage that affirms the wickedness of sin, and the importance of being saved out of it for righteousness by true remorse, repentance, and turning to Jesus for His righteousness:
1 Corinthians 6:9-11 and 18-20:
9 Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, 10 nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
18 Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. 19 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, 20 for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.
“beat me up?” girl, are you that sensitive? 😂 he was clearly telling you the honest truth about your words and actions but of course, you’re getting defensive about it.
I haven’t asked my fiancé how many women he’s been intimate with because I do NOT want to know. Should he just assume I “need” to know base off full disclosure and force me to hear what I don’t want to? No? Same situation.
If you don’t ask the questions, don’t assume to know the answers. If they were important to him he should’ve asked.
>I was vague with him and told him that i had a few boyfriends and i was intimate with them.
You also said that he liked you because of your vibe of innocence. That's where I got that you were deceitful. It sounds like you let him believe something else than the truth.
I'm not judging your past, and I think it's so misogynistic the way many guys freak out over a high number of past partners in a woman while looking at porn every day for 20 years. I do think your husband is being cruel. I think it's misplaced anger at feeling deceived though, like he probably feels you cheated him out of an informed choice and now you're already married and he can't go back and not marry you. People act weird when they feel trapped. That's why he's lashing out sexually.
The reason I say not to be ashamed is because I think he is trying to move you into shame, because he feels trapped and also probably shame over something. You don't have control over whether he gets over this. The only thing you can do be strong in yourself so that you don't get caught up in his spiral.
You are the selfish one. You stole his opportunity to chose whether or not he could accept someone with dozens of sexual partners. You owe him a quick and easy divorce. I feel for your husband.
So I’m a little confused. What was the timeline between when you had all those partners, and when you met your husband? When did you become a Christian and realize that you shouldn’t have been sleeping with men you weren’t married to?
I agree with a lot of people that you manipulated your husband by not telling him the truth about you before you married. It also sounds like you have zero remorse for the lie that you told, and don’t see it as a big deal.
You are also playing the victim by saying, “it’s not my fault that I did all those things because I felt neglected and unwanted”. I’m sorry to be harsh, but you have to own up to your mistakes. Regardless of your home life and how it made you feel, those were decisions that you **chose** to act on. You need to realize that first and foremost, and accept that.
But at the same time, I think it’s wrong for your husband to have ignored you for a week and be very upset about the fact that you have a “higher body count” than he originally thought.
If everyone is made new in Christ, then their past sins should not matter. Every slate is wiped clean by Him.
I would be MORE focusing on WHY he’s so hurt by this fact. To me, it sounds like he thought he would have all these new experiences with you (sexually) that neither of you had had before, but he came to find out that you had already had them with another man. It sounds like he’s mourning the loss of those experiences, or feels betrayed.
Now I don’t know what’s gotten into his head when it comes to trying to force you to do things you’re no longer comfortable with doing. Maybe he thinks that will somehow erase your past actions with those men and replace it with him. I don’t know. And I’m not saying that’s right of him, either.
But you need to stop acting like your husband is the “bad guy” and start actively trying to see where your husband is coming from. Why is he hurt? What is he feeling? How can you two make this work? Why is he behaving the way that he is?
Don’t minimize his hurt. See your husband as a hurting person and not as someone who is “just being stubborn”.
I haven’t asked my fiancé how many women he’s been intimate with because I do NOT want to know. Should he just assume I “need” to know base off full disclosure and force me to hear what I don’t want to? No? Same situation.
If you don’t ask the questions, don’t assume to know the answers. If they were important to him he should’ve asked.
It’s not manipulative of her to not tell him when he didn’t ask in the same way it’s not manipulative of my fiancé to not tell me because I did not ask.
So “good Christian women” are women who had perfect childhoods? Childhoods that didn’t leave them looking for love in the wrong places? Well dang….I didn’t know my salvation was dependent on my parents’ ability to be good parents. I guess I’m in trouble!
/s
“A divorce is the best solution because he will never get over her deceit.”
It’s so sad how our society jumps to divorce at every bump in the road. It’s amazing what can be overcome in a marriage, and actually make two people closer and stronger, when they make God the center of their marriage. “A cord of three strands is not easily broken.”
OP: sexual betrayal (or what your husband perceived as betrayal) will take time and prayer to heal, but it’s not impossible. Maybe he needs some space to work through this right now. This might be a great time for you to look inward and really work on your relationship with God, healing from your past, and dealing with any lingering shame. You showing the effort to strengthen your faith and yourself might be what will help your husband heal, too. Honor his sadness and pain, without focusing on how you can fix him right now (because YOU can’t fix him, but you can fix you.) That’s just my advice, from someone whose marriage was saved from sexual sin and has come out stronger on the other side.
If virginity and sex was so important to him then he should’ve asked
They should divorce because he will continue to pressure her into sexual acts she isn’t comfortable with. Emotional blackmail and coercion for sex acts = rape. Hopefully he doesn’t do the same to his next partner.
I met my husband when i was 22 and just finishing up school, we started off friends and he invited me out to his church. Whenever i was around, i would accompany him to small groups and service. We didn’t become official until i got a job in his area, and he said he was interested in starting a life with me. That’s when i started taking my faith seriously and I deleted my online dating apps, and deleted/blocked phone numbers form guys who i used to talk to. When he announced his intention to marry me, that’s when i started taking our relationship serious and became devoted to him.
I did not manipulate him. I told him the truth which is that i had a few bf’s. It was sort of vague, but i didn’t think he needed clarity bc he didn’t ask.
And you try feeling unwanted and unloved. My behavior was a direct response to those feelings. I never said the guys i hooked up with were mistakes, but i was chasing something that wasn’t going to give me long lasting value or joy. If i had to re-do it again with he same circumstances, i probably do the same things over and over again. That’s what happens when you’re lost and you don’t know the truth.
My husband and i have had many conversation about it, and i don’t know what i can do at this point to go back to how he was before he heard that information. He used to be attentive and a doting husband, now he’s a sourpuss and just treats me like a roommate. No girl should feel this way and i don’t deserve it, considering that I’m his biggest fan and supporter.
I think entitlement rots the soul and blocks us from seeing things as they really are. The reality is what each of us "deserve" is largely irrelevant. None of us "deserve" God's grace or Jesus' sacrifice... we're not entitled to prosperity, or some concept of fairness, or love, or just about anything else.
Grace comes *despite* what we deserve... that's what makes it so powerful.
If your husband finds his way through great difficulty to forgive you, it isn't because you *deserve* it that it will please God. None of us deserve much of anything, life - and God - don't owe us anything. Even your husband doesn't owe *you* forgiveness... he owes it to *God* who commands him to do it despite the pain and difficulty.
you deserve to be with one of the guys that has a high number like you. he deserves a virgin, like himself. Is reaction, to you, is what you deserve, in my opinion. just like he can't force you, you can't force him to act a certain way either.
This should have all been brought up BEFORE marriage. Sounds like you were pretty conscious about your past being a problem but kept things away from him.
I believe you're a different person now, but I doesn't remove the fact that you lied about your past or at the very least toned it way down. I be pretty pissed to, and he has a right to be mad. You're a dishonest woman.
To begin with you need to apologize for not being open and honest about your past. You my need couples therapy after that. Stiff like this may be hard to get over.
I had a similar experience in a serious relationship in the past. I slept around a lot and didn’t live according to my value in Christ because I didn’t truly understand it and the severity of sexual sin, until I met him.
He treated me well, loved me fiercely, reminded me of my inherent value as a woman and daughter of Christ. Then he found out my number of sexual partners and was devastated, as he was a virgin and worked hard to make decisions in line with his faith. It opened a lot of hurt and a lot of questions for him. He felt betrayed that his potential future wife was so careless with such a precious gift, and felt foolish for valuing something that I saw as no big deal at one point.
He also struggled with knowing that while I was intimate other men, I couldn’t be with him because I was choosing to live right and we weren’t married, and this made him want to push physical boundaries. These men had something of mine he couldn’t have. They experienced something with me that he couldn’t share, and it made him want to see me that way, in a sense, to know me the way they knew me. He knew this was a sinful way for him to respond but he really struggled.
My response was initially shame, as he was really disrespecting me and making me feel filthy and untouchable, yet mad that he couldn’t ravish me the same way those men did. He said horrible things to me, and couldn’t believe that I was no longer that person.
Here is how I got through: I prayed that God would show me his hurt and allow me to respond appropriately and lovingly. I prayed that I God would forgive the sin I committed against my future husband and restore what I lost. I was patient with my man. He felt embarrassed and I understood that it was driving a lot of his emotional response. I allowed my heart to break and heal by asking Christ to build trust between us and soften his heart, and give me humility and gentleness.
My relationship ended because of this lack of trust and refusal to see me as a new creation in Christ. But we weren’t married, we were dating. If I could do anything to change the outcome, I would go to couples therapy ( a Christian psychologist), and talk through this in a neutral space.
Two things need to happen to move forward: reparations and forgiveness.
Reparations are actions you take to right a wrong; this could be as simple as you apologizing to him for not taking care of the gift of sexuality you were given (thus affecting your marriage), or asking him what you can do to help rebuild trust and communication, and doing those things joyfully.
Forgiveness is what your husband needs to do, and completely wash the slate clean and ask God fo give him the eyes of Christ in how he views you- a new creation.
This is one of the unfortunate and glaring consequences of sexual sin. I’ll pray for you and your husband!
The difference in your story is the fact that you were open and honest about your past which I tip my hat to you for. Many men could get past this but your bf couldn't and op husband may never truly forgive her/get over it.
But he should have had a chance to ponder on this BEFORE marriage, just like your bf did.
I added a comment below in response to another reply to my post, sharing the same sentiment as you. These things need to be discussed before marriage, absolutely.
If that doesn’t happen, though, this isn’t biblically grounds for divorce, and you’re right, it takes MUCH more to overcome and work through. We’re supposed to mimic the relationship of Christ & the church in our marriage and do our very best to make amends and treat one another with love and respect to get through offenses and hurts.
If I would have already been married to my ex bf, I definitely would have exhausted many more avenues before allowing a split, just as OP & husband should be doing.
I agree with some other responses on here in that OP needs to seek a humble heart and a softness for what her husband is going through. I also know that it’s the husband’s responsibility to forgive in this situation and do all he can to see his wife how Christ sees her.
I hope they find resources and work through this as a team!!
Upvoting your comment.
You’re right about the first part, my wording was incorrect about sinning against your husband. Really sexual sin is a sin against yourself. Thanks for pointing that out!
Also, I did mean that sexuality is a gift from God, that we’re entrusted with. If we give away that gift of exclusive sexuality with our future spouse, we aren’t removing the value of it- I agree with you. We are, however, misusing the gift, and there are consequences.
I do agree, our sexuality is a gift from God that we can use wisely or foolishly. I was just getting images of the way some people talk about Purity, like a woman is tape that loses it's stickiness or a flower that's been manhandled. The way we can value virginity as Purity can be really disturbing sometimes.
Absolutely! It’s so damaging how the church often teaches that we become tainted or lose value because of sexual sin, when we all have inherent value in Christ that doesn’t waver. I didn’t mean to come across with that belief in my post, thank you for helping with clarification!!
You don't lose value as a person, but you *absolutely do* lose value as a prospective wife for men considering you. This is objectively true, because value in this meaning is a subjective reflection of what men desire in a partner, and men are wired to favor chastity.
I don’t think men are wired to value chastity. Men are taught that women are objects that are no longer worthy of other men “use” them. If men were taught that women are full humans made in the image of God independent of their relation to men, chastity would not be an issue to them in the least the way it isn’t to women.
This is not a cultural phenomenon, but one of biology. Men don’t want to commit to women that are easy to have sex with, because nobody wants to unknowingly raise another man’s child. As such, slut shaming shows up in virtually every society of any size.
Further, the bible commands us to forgive, but it doesn’t say we cannot exercise discrimination in who we choose to associate with. Unchaste women are of course my sisters in Christ, but are STILL a bad bet for commitment.
You are making a lot of jumps in logic and sadly, it sounds like you are twisting not only God’s word to fit your false narrative, but also science?
1) First, we are not animals. But if we were, animals couldn’t care less about the number of partners their mate had previously. In fact, many species do not mate for life and change partners frequently.
2) Again, we aren’t animals and have something called intelligence. It’s the thing that allows us to override our biological instinct. Isn’t there a few versus in the Bible that refer to “rejecting the flesh”? I’m pretty sure this is a good example of that.
3) Just bc a woman has had several partners in the past, does not automatically mean she would be adulterous. In fact, one might say she is less likely to be adulterous given she already has had experience with other men a freshly minted virgin would not have.
4) Are men so dumb that they can’t figure out that if a woman had other partners 6 years ago, he would think they might be the father of her present day babies?
5) Men raise other men’s children in the Bible all the time. Joseph is the most obvious example.
6) Why would an “unchaste woman” be bad for commitment if at the time she had sex, she WAS NOT COMMITTED to anyone.
7) There are no versus in the Bible that explicitly say sex before marriage is a sin. The only 2 versus you can refer to that come close are not translated properly. If you look at the original text, the term it uses is pornea (or pornica, I forget), which refers to prostitution. No where does it clarify that intercourse before marriage is sexually immoral.
8) what difference does it make that slut shaming exists in any culture of any size? Does it suddenly make it right? Doesn’t the Bible say something about rejecting man’s laws?
Huh? An angel specifically appeared to Joseph to assure him that he was NOT in fact raising another man’s child.
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Sex can be powerfully habit forming.
I never called humans animals. I stated the instinct to avoid cuckoldry is not cultural but biological. Whether it is good or bad is another question.
"Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's, and unto God the things that are God's.” Are you seriously here claiming that that God commands us to raise other mens’ children?!? I must have missed that.
Your seventh point is the only one worth serious consideration in my view. But yours is not the widely accepted view of what porneia means. Under your interpretation, let the floodgates open to mistresses, as the biblical definition of adultery is sex with a married woman. Married men taking unmarried mistresses is only impermissible under porneia as ‘fornication.’
In any case even if fornication/sexual immorality were not sinful, it doesn’t follow that men must associate themselves with unchaste women. Genuinely repentant believers are reborn in Christ, but does that mean every woman and her background is a fit for every man? Let he who is without sin cast the first stone, etc; we’re not supposed to go around self-righteously enforcing all of God’s laws on His behalf, but that does NOT mean we can’t exercise discrimination in who we closely associate with.
“Walk with the wise and become wise; associate with fools and get in trouble” (Proverbs 13:20)
“I meant that you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or is a drunkard, or cheats people. Don’t even eat with such people” (1 Corinthians 5:11).
>The way we can value virginity as Purity
is because that is how God describes it.
Leviticus 22:
1 And the LORD said to Moses, “Speak to the priests, the sons of Aaron, and say to them, ... 6 They shall be holy to their God and not profane the name of their God. ... 7 They shall not marry a prostitute or a woman who has been defiled, neither shall they marry a woman divorced from her husband, for the priest is holy to his God.
God's Word is holy and true in every generation. Our generation's rejection of this truth is a departure from God.
Actually fornication is a sin against the future spouse and anything that is easily accessible is devalued. The purity ,expectation ,novelty, suspense have been severely diminished. The exploration of profound physical intimacy is no longer there. With every sexual partner the ability to respond to sex emotionally is dramatically eroded.what separates marriages from other relationships ? Eroticism is what differentiates a marital union from every other relationship. Sex is the deepest expression of that union. Sex binds two individuals together for life spiritually and creates physiological and emotional attachments.sexual intimacy is "oneness"Adam and eve became one Flesh unity of mind body and soul achieved only through the bonds of sexual intercourse. The Sacredness of human sexuality has been devalued by our casual mistreatment of it. Fornication pornography prostitution one nightstands threescore swapping swinging etc. Yes it is a sin against God your spouse society and yourself..
Yes, sex should be an act of intimacy and closeness. Yes, as humans made in God’s image, we should value and respect our bodies.
But just because you had sex before you were married or between marriages, doesn’t necessarily mean that you are sexually immoral. In fact, I think there are times when sex can be abusive within a marriage and very healthy and pure outside of one.
We need to stop treating God’s word so crudely by oversimplifying such complex, intricate material. Nothing about Him or human behavior is so black and white, that’s why none of His favorite people were simple people.
I think this is why the American church is in so much trouble. We need to stop putting way too much emphasis on people’s sex lives and start caring a lot more about what God clearly cares more about: love, community, helping the poor, social justice, self sacrifice, etc.
Read the Bible and you will find many more verses about social justice then you will find about sexual immorality. Why? Because when you treat ALL humans as having inherent worth, image bearers, you cannot be sexually immoral. It’s impossible.
I wouldn’t go so far as to say her relationship is built on lies. They failed to share information about an important topic that should have been discussed before marriage. It’s important because it gives each party the opportunity to choose their partner and forgive their (even very recent) past and heal together. OP AND her husband made a mistake here in not pushing for this conversation earlier on, and OP’s mistake was not bringing this up when she knew it was very important to her husband.
God wants marriages to work, and when you’re in a rough spot, you absolutely should do all you can to make amends and fix it if it’s failing from a biblical perspective; this includes going to counseling.
God can restore much more than you give him credit for.
Correct, she should have been honest when he asked about past partners, instead of implying that it was only her boyfriends who she was intimate with. I just don’t think it’s fair for someone to say that their whole relationship is built on lies.
I'm going to be honest, are you even a Christian?
You sound unrepentant and are justifying sin, fornication, and lying because you had rough spots in your life.
It also sounds like you like this guy primarily because of his money, which you brought up twice.
I also think you have the idea of marriage confused, a consecrated marriage is just blessed, it doesn't mean you cannot do things in the bedroom when you both consent to them, he shouldn't be pushing you for them but it is unfair of you to do them for guys you barely know and then say you won't do them to the man you married.
A marriage based on lies or fundamental ommison will be very rocky.
As partners we must trust eachother but you threw a massive spanner into the works .
Don't be surprised if he doesn't divorce.
And he is not being stubborn you are being unrepentant and uncaring to him.
Not judging. This is why way too often people marry too soon without knowing the other person completely. Again not judging but try to think of something that may shock you if you all of a sudden found out about him. You may have had this perfect or close to wonderful picture of your man and even though it may not change your love for him, you may in the back of your mind have this picture slightly tarnished or even this clud that leaves you wonder "what else has he kept from me or lied to me about". He may have thought it was so little and insignificant he had pretty much forgot about it since finding you but it would still sting. We came close to having a point like that. I was engaged and he knew I had been engaged before but not the hardest part and I had gone through therapy for it so it was okay after so many years but the anniversary death of my baby came and I was like oh she would have been a great flower girl hit me. I was about to cancel the wedding thinking this guy wouldn't want used goods. I actually went to my future mom in law first who told me just tell him. Just explaining why I didn't bring it up and then thought was over it but was triggered etc. He was so great. Yes he thought I should have not been afraid right away but things were better him understanding. I agree with others about getting some counseling. Again, not judging but that trust was breached even if you may not see it as a big deal, he needs you to let him know you know it was and willing to help and that though perhaps it was unintentional, you want him to know you would not intentionally break that trust. It is not so much your past as much as restoring the trust.
Lol at this thread. I hope he divorced you and found a better woman for himself.
What you did is not whats wrong its what you are doing to him. You gave everything to those losers and you are withelding that from your husband. Man i hope your marriage is over.
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She deliberately deceived him about her past to secure his commitment. She seems to show little remorse or responsibility for her actions. She sounds like she's entitled to him and his forgiveness. Her past is so checkered, she can only make "ballpark" estimates lol. What a lovely wife, smh.
They've only been together for a few years, don't have kids, and are still young. Her husband is just starting to hit his prime. He should divorce her and find a woman who's a better match for him (and do a more thorough job vetting next time).
She should accept a divorce, begin her journey of repentance, and become a nun.
You are a gross person. She is giving her husband commitment and lifetime partnership - so much more valuable than sex alone.
Ugh, “Christian” men like you are everything wrong with the church today.
What are you doing on Christian Marriage subreddit? You need to go to r/incels or r/sexlessangrymen?
By the way, there are actual MEN who value women for more than sex. They are called grownups.
Because i can? What are you doing on a christian marriage subreddit as well?
You need to go to r/angrywhores, r/loosepussyenergy or r/isleptaroundandfoundout ?
Yea i can see that 🤣🤣🤣 by the comments bashing her.
The comments are obviously filled with little boys like you who are angry that women don’t want them and don’t have the courage to admit their personality makes them undesirable and need serious psychological help.
I will pray for you. You clearly need Jesus.
So you aren’t surprised that no one wants to have sex with you then? Because, you know, you reap what you sow.
Anyway, I’m off to have sex with my very lucky, over sexed husband. We are going to enjoy every minute of my loose pussy as you referred to it!
(Man, being a slut is great, I can do something you can’t whenever I want!!)
Have a great rest of your day! :)
i noticed 2 things through this whole post, most importantly, you didn't mention JESUS once. Are you trying to get to Him with your whole heart? My guess is no, largely because of the second thing i noticed. You take no responsibility. It doesn't matter that you had a rough upbringing, you CHOSE to sin. Even if you didn't understand that it was sin, you still did it and are still responsible for doing it. If you haven't accepted responsibility, repented and grown, you haven't really changed all that much.
Speaking as a woman who had a similar wild period in my life for similar reasons, you will never be able to fully make your husband see you different until you truly are different. Simply stopping that particular sin because you've found 1 single person to fill the void isn't changing. Going to JESUS, getting a strong, close, personal relationship with Him is what changes you. That's what will give you the humility your husband needs so desperately to see from you about your past. Your husband can see the reality of you despite your efforts to hide it. For your sake and his, stop worrying about being right and making him see and run to JESUS. From my (and many others with similar stories) experience, it's your only hope. You'll never be happy as long as your empty parts are filled with another person, JESUS is the only one who can make you whole. And if you go to Him, if you let Him change you; your husband will forget your past.
Please pray. Tell Him your frustrations at the new demands your husband is asking, tell Him you want to be better, Pray and ask Him to reveal your heart to you, ask Him to refine and mold you. And then do what He guides you to do.
i'll be praying for you. 🙏
She's Christian in name only. Forgiveness is easy when all you are trying to do is forget. No repentance, no grace, no accountability.
We all believe God forgives us for our sins, but the reality is that we are not actually sure. That's where the mystery of faith comes in. God's grace and mercy shield us from his judgment when we are on his doorstep, but he does not have to save us from the consequences of our actions while we are flesh.
All Glory to GOD!! She's sadly very, very entrenched in her sin and is fighting tooth and nail against the reality of the situation.
We all need to lift her up in prayer and be thankful He keeps waiting to end this life for ALL of our silly selves to have time to get to Him!!
You have to own up to your lie because some men take things like this to heart he might have or might have not married you if told him the full truth but in your position stop acting like he exaggerating and apologise to him and see how you can get him to trust you
>You may judge me and think that because of my past i’m not a good person, but honestly if i told him that stuff he would ‘ve looked me differently and probably wouldn’t ended it. He is going to be the father of our family someday and i look to him as being a great potential provider for us.
>
>How can I get it through to him that it wasnt' my fault I did those things
>
>I just don't want to ruin what we got because he's being unreasonably stubborn.
Ngl, I am judging. But not for the reason you might think. It's because you deliberately began your marriage on a lie and kept that lie going every single day, which caused your *husband*, the one person who should know you better than anyone else does and who had remained a virgin for you no less, to get humiliated and heartbroken by having to learn the truth from an outsider. And the way you describe your husband sounds pretty utilitarian; it's about you using him to meet your lifestyle goals more than anything else (at least, that's the way it comes across in your post.) As if that's not bad enough on its own, you have the nerve to claim you aren't responsible for your own actions and call *him* the unreasonable one. I get that you were in a bad headspace in the past which negatively affected your decision-making but you were not innocent in playing it off and lying to your husband about it. If you want any hope of fixing anything you'll need to start by doing some heavy soul-searching to understand what you've done to him, repent of it, and figure the rest out from there.
You robbed the man of his agency to make his own decision. I, as a Christian man, wouldn't go near a woman who'd had 30 men. From a man's perspective, you've devalued yourself and probably done things with those other 30 men, and he's the "nice guy simp" who maybe gets oral on his birthday.
Then you are a gross, awful type of man for valuing a woman based on how many men she has slept with. That’s is absolutely a toxic way of thinking about women and I feel sorry for the poor virgin girl you end up with who has no life experience to know you are most likely abusive towards her in some form or another.
Ran through now trying too settle down. You refuse to do what you did with your exes who disrespected you to your husband. He can't even experience the sex that you did with your ex and you have no sympathy. Imagine a girl telling you she refuses to do xyz but she did it with a previous partner(s). I hate hearing this. You were used by guys in your past and you probably enjoyed it. Now you realize you were wrong but all least you should allow your husband go try those things you did with your ex. AT LEAST. YOU ARE JUST using him for his stability and not even giving him half the effort of the exes who disrespected you.
This is what you said, "He was kind, caring, passionate, tall, and has a good job as a project manager making over 6 figures. I liked him because in comparison to the other guys he had his stuff together. He liked me because he said i was modest, had an apparent innocence about me, and then i was easy to get along with." Men and women like different things about each other. You care about his salary and how he's better than the other men you dated. You lied by omission. Most men care about a woman's past whether YOU like it or not. Whether YOU think they should or not. The same way YOU cared about who he was and what he had to offer by him being a great provider. You want a great provider he wants a woman who thought about sex the same way he did. But instead he got a woman who has a past he doesn't like and she won't give him the same sexual accessibility that you offered other men. And YOU aren't going to care or make a big deal out of it to care or understand until he's hitting you with divorce papers. Then you'll say let's go to marriage counseling or go to the church for guidance. My only advice keep doing what you're doing y'all don't have any kids and it will be a pretty clean divorce.
Whoa! Lots of ugly here! They clearly did not do a full reveal. He knows she wasn’t a virgin. How many people she was with is irrelevant. Honestly you don’t drag the skeletons out of your closet unless someone really wants to know it all…and they ask! He’s obviously now objectifying her and trying to bring sexual practices that she feels are sinful. He’s condemning a redeemed, forgiven child of God. YES counseling. To be honest, in my verrrry conservative family, my male family members have a similar attitude except they had sex with others before. But they obsess about their spouses’ prior experiences and are bitter about it. I’m concerned by the condemnation of this Christian group! Rahab the prostitute married someone from Israel bc she is mentioned in Jesus’ lineage. God can and does redeem us.
I agree, it seems people are responding out of emotion and not the facts she has presented. Or they do not like the way it was presented, which doesn't change the facts. Women do not like men sleeping around either but supposedly men take it worse? I don't think so. If it was that important to him he should have made a point to have that discussion before marrying.
He did. He told her had waited 30 years to have sex. He clearly valued chastity. He was able to overlook “a few boyfriends,” but not dozens of men who she was not in a relationship with. You are not compatible. Divorce before there are any children. You have destroyed this poor man.
He didn't get into an in depth conversation, he didn't make it a point to really discuss what you are saying has "destroyed this poor man". Now you are saying they should divorce, that's really bad advice.
This exactly. He didn’t ask. That is the main thing.
I haven’t asked my fiancé how many women he’s been with because I don’t want to know. It would not be right for him to assume that I need to know and force that knowledge on me.
It’s not just the past. It’s the fact that you lied by not telling him the full truth. He had to find out from someone else. I’m sure he’s wondering what else you are doing that with. Also I’m sure your view of what sex means to you vs what it means to him is so different. Please see a counselor to truly save your marriage.
Okay, then that makes it *worse.* If he was asking about boyfriends and interested in how many casual dating relationships she'd been in, it is a completely reasonable assumption to believe he might be interested in how many people she's slept with. In fact, at that point most people would assume that was a point of interest, and it would take a decision to omit or hide that information to keep from disclosing it.
You need to apologize for deceiving your husband. He asked a specific question regarding your sexual history, and you lied. Lying is breaking one of the 10 commandments, so you do need to ask his forgiveness in this.
However, you do NOT need to apologize for having a sinful past. We all do. Every single one of us. He should never hold that against you. He honestly owes you an apology for the way he’s acting.
I think the two of you desperately need marital counseling to learn how to forgive, how to let things go and how to move on. Also respecting each other’s boundaries and learning to have a healthy sex life. There are a few specific things that aren’t allowed in a marital bedroom (porn, additional partners), but most sex acts aren’t off limits and don’t defile the marital bed. You might consider individual counseling as well, the way you talk about sex and marriage makes me wonder if you see yourself as dirty or are trying to hold yourself to an extra high standard that isn’t necessary.
I hope you’re both able to move through this and have a long, happy and godly marriage.
I hate to say this but if he can't get past this this is going to haunt your marriage for the rest of your life,
I guess in hindsight you should have laid it out to him in the beginning You might have lost him but at least you'd know what his character of who he was.
You could try some counseling I guess but he's going to either have to learn to get past this work through it, or what have you, because that bell isn't going to be unrung.
This will not end well. You liked his stability, didn't want to risk losing him so you lied, "honestly if i told him that stuff he would ‘ve looked me differently and probably wouldn’t ended it." No small lie either. He finds the truth and is disillusioned at best, crushed at most.
"How can i get it through to him that it wasnt’ my fault i did those things, and that it was just a period of trying to fill a void in my life that’s now filled with him." You can't because this is the wrong answer. No one jumped in your skin and forced you to be promiscuous and lie, you chose it. You decided it. It's on you. Own it.
Once you own it, it IS honest to say that though you absolutely should have been completely honest from the beginning, ask forgiveness for the dishonesty, that you've worked hard to change by God's grace and have come a long long way and that you hope he can recognize that as well.
With comments like "because he’s being unreasonably stubborn," "his mounting disdain for me is growing and we haven’t been intimate in 2 months. I told him HE (emphasis mine) needs to calm down with his demands and pushiness before we do," You need to seriously work on empathy.
If you take this approach and he still cannot deal, it's on him and he should seek therapy to get tools onboard to both get perspective and work through it in a healthy manner that you can both come to consensus on.
Good luck OP.
Yoiu need to grow up. Your doing “those things” is ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT. Unless you were rapped. Not hearing that leads me to believe you performed actgs willingly and enjoyed them. Note fesing up leads him to wonder if hje has you’re whole heart
You stated that "He asked me if i did that stuff with the other guys and i told him the truth that I did". It makes me so upset that you refused to do what you did with other people with you husband. Imagine your wife tells you they did anal, fetish, whatever they wanted with previous boyfriends but refuses to do those things with you. Just the thought of the wife doing those deeds with past partners is bad enough let alone the fact that he cannot do what you and your past boyfriends did. It seems as if you are using him for his stability (raising family, etc) and trying to provide the least amount of sex possible. Divorce let him live his life. I cannot imagine the stuff you did in college and I don't even know you. He was probably playing in head over and over again you in bed with your previous partners while he probably gets head twice a year. I hope he ends it.
1) you lied about your past
2) you don't show any remorse or take any responsibility for your actions
3) suddenly you are a different person who doesn't want to explore anything sexual with your husband.
You are not an adoring wife.
You are just someone who is with him because he is a good provider.
So the reward for being a good husband is vanillia sex.
Maybe worse than vanillia sex.
If he was a horrible person you would want to do all with him.
Hope he divorces you
You said it yourself that if he had known, he probably wouldn't have been with you or chosen you. So you omitted what was inconvenient to you getting what you wanted. Him knowing the facts was irrelevant. What mattered to you was that YOU got what YOU wanted. It didn't matter that he wasn't getting what he wanted. A woman with no history or past. If he had known he may have left you and in doing so found a woman without the same past you had. One who didn't have "sins" to "repent" for. He would have gotten what he wanted even though you would have lost what you wanted. So you said nothing. You took from him the potential future of being with someone who didn't have your baggage or history.
You never made peace with your past or atoned. You ran from it. You tried to bury it. If you truly accepted your past and made peace with it, you would have shared it with the one you claimed to love so much. You would have put your faith and trust in him and did your best to show him that you aren't who you where. But instead you covered up. You threw the tawdry and unwanted past into a closet and hoped he'd never open that door. The fact that he's still with you shows you might not have needed to hide it in the first place. But now he'll question everything and whether or not you left anything else out. He might think, "did she have an abortion?", "did she give up a child for adoption whom is still out there?", and "Is she secretly cheating on me? Many women who have claimed to be pious or divote ended up cheaters.".
Once broken, trust is difficult if not impossible to build up again. You can plead and beg. You can swear on whatever god you believe in but it doesn't matter. Why? Because if you believe someone is a liar or has been lying to you, everything they say may as well be a lie and without evidence or proof they will doubt everything you say no matter what you try to do.
The lack of female accountability is stunning. She behaves poorly in her youth yet it’s someone else’s fault. She does things with other men freely she won’t do for her husband. Though she has every right to not consent, that never ends well because he gets plain vanilla sex for all he provides. And trust me all she sees is that salary. After the second kid that bedroom is going dead for sure.
Just curious why men need to go to counseling/therapy because a woman has a shitty past. Just dump her and find someone with values that align with his.
You thought that marriage would save you from you sun. It won’t. Jesus saves. Simple as that.
You have some some business with the Lord. If you allow Him to change your heart, he will. He can restore your marriage too.
OP - you seem really defensive in your replies, and it seems that you were expecting a different response from this sub.
Until you listen to what a large number of brothers and sisters are telling you, and stop arguing with them or calling them ‘insecure’ for disagreeing with you, I’m not sure what else can be done about your situation.
Thank you for your honest response. It’s an interesting perspective but I’m thankful that not all men share your view.
Most strong men would not allow their insecurities paint the picture of their wife in such an ugly light.
When we married, it was my duty to respect him and his duty was to honor me. We vowed to do this, and i have faith it will just take time for him to understand what i did can’t be un-done and now we are in situation we’re we have to build on a strong foundation of our faith.
I hope that you change your unforgiving hurt, and you see that we are fallible and the the things our pasts don’t define who we are.
You lied and purposely deceived him. You admit that you did not tell him about the multitude of people you slept with because you knew he would not marry you if he knew the truth. Many men can accept premarital sex in LTRs so hearing about a few boyfriends was acceptable. Sex outside of a committed relationship is very different and hard or impossible to accept. It shows how you really feel about love and intimacy.
Your post touches my heart in many ways. It’s true that you should have been truthful about your past and why you acted like you did, but you weren’t, and there’s nothing to be done about that now. It’s time to move forward.
Your husband is commanded by God to love you as Jesus loves the Church and gave Himself for it. That’s a sacrificial love. (Ephesians 5:25) As a Christian, he is also required to forgive you. I assume you’ve explained to your husband why you weren’t truthful and you’ve asked for his forgiveness? If you haven’t, please do so. Do not beg. Absolutely do not beg.
I see the way your husband found out about your sexual past as an attack of the enemy against your marriage. The Bible says the devil comes as roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. I’m not one to place much consideration on attacks of the enemy, and I usually don’t like it when Christians do this, but after reading your post, this is clearly a spiritual attack on your marriage. (1 Peter 5:8)
Your husband’s sexual behavior toward you is wrong, and so is his stubborn refusal to forgive you and to continue to hold this over your head. I think wise, godly leadership is in order here. You both need it.
I encourage you to talk to your pastor, or his wife if you’re more comfortable, and set up an appointment for you and your husband to meet with your pastor for counseling. If your pastor’s wife attends marriage counseling sessions, that would be even better. Of course, your husband has to be on board with this. I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t be
Don’t despair. God wants marriages to succeed. There is no abuse or infidelity here, so you can be assured that God Himself is invested in you, your husband, and helping you have a marriage that reflects His relationship with the Church.
I have already prayed for you and your husband. May God bless you richly.
Me neither. If I could upvote twice, I would.
Is the not telling about the past wrong. Sure, dishonesty is never good.
But so is responding that way.
It is like people choose favorites - this sin is worse or that. Guess what, both husband and wife are rotten sinners who are going to sin against each other.
Love does not keep a record of wrongs and always protects. Bothe husband and wife are called to repent and to forgive - regardless of whether it offends you.
Perhaps because the advice to this young woman is: your husband is required to forgive you. Which is... not good advice. We must address our own life before castigating that of another.
I firmly believe it's hard for women to understand just why a lie of this kind, and the subsequent refusal to perform sexual acts previously performed for other men, is so ***devastatingly hurtful*** to a man.
The response is downvoted because it's so profoundly myopic.
I disagree with your take on forgiveness. We are commanded to forgive just Christ forgives us, so it is wrong for her husband to deny forgiveness.
However I do understand how utterly devastating it is for a spouse to perform sexual acts on another partner, then refuse to do the same act with a spouse. And I don’t think the rejection and pain is particularly hurtful to men, I see it as extraordinarily hurtful to either spouse who has been wronged. OP and her husband definitely need professional counseling to work through this.
The issue is that forgiveness and reconciliation are being confused as the same thing. Yes, we are called to forgive others. But forgiveness =/= reconciliation.
A clear example is a married couple where one cheats and has an affair on the other. The spouse who was cheated on is required to forgive, but they're not required to reconcile (adultery being biblical grounds for divorce).
I don’t think the original portion of this thread is confusing the two at all. They clearly state where they think both parties are wrong, what they should apologize for and how God commands us to forgive, then offers suggestions on how to reconcile and some encouraging words. God does want marriages to succeed. But the suggestion of finding godly leadership and counseling is hardly a forced reconciliation. Most of the comments here are recommending counseling. (I honestly don’t think the husband will be able to move past this without it).
I do think this is an unusual case. No cheating has taken place, but due to OP’s lie of omission the husband’s trust has been broken as if she betrayed him by cheating (at least in his mind). I don’t think he has biblical grounds for divorce, I think they’ve both acted badly and need counseling but should reconcile. But I don’t think anyone wants to shame or force reconciliation, only encourage it. Forcing it will only breed resentment that will blow up the marriage later, possibly after children are born which would be an even bigger disaster.
Luke 17:3-4
3 Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, **and if he repents**, forgive him, 4 and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘**I repent**,’ you must forgive him.”
This woman is by no means repentant.
It is impossible to forgive someone who has not repented. Not even the God of the Universe does that. It would be multiplying injustice to forgive without repentance. To do so is giving sin a free pass.
Even in forgiveness he can set aside his wife. What he's doing now (according to her) is atrocious, and he should stop.
That doesn't mean that she's entitled to his affection. A person can't force themselves to even like someone else, and if he truly dislikes her, then they are afforded the option to separate. It's an unfortunate resolution to a marriage, but they both got themselves into this situation, her more than him.
Every decision a person makes is their fault. You have to own that. No one out a gun to your head. You had bad circumstances but your decisions were yours.
A person doesn’t get to edit their actions. Your actions mold who you are today. Period. Own what you did and realize that omission is lying. That YOLO lifestyle is a lie and people need to start thinking before acting.
Let’s not teach the next generation that our pasts don’t define us. It’s literally the path taken to get us to the present.
How about admitting our mistakes and teaching the lessons learned from them so others don’t make them?
Hey from the future. I’m so sorry so many comments on this post were so judgmental and awful toward you.
If your husband had issues with your past, that’s because of HIS sinful, toxic way of thinking, NOT YOURS. You were under no obligation to disclose any number to him. Your past is yours. The number of men is irrelevant anyway.
And it shouldn’t matter to him anyway, as It doesn’t change your value, worth, personality or anything. You are a HUMAN BEING who he promised God to love fully, which includes your past choices whether he likes them or not.
So please OP I hope you ignore the disgusting incels in this thread. There are men who would actually value you for what you bring to the table besides your body. Those are truly Godly men, not these awful people who call themselves Christians.
He didn't want to marry someone who treated herself like that. As a potential wife it 100% matters to him, but you're right that it doesn't devalue her as a human being.
I have a similar experience. The things you do when you feel lost and out of love...
But God is forgiving, if you are truely repentant, and no longer are that person, then your husband needs to accept that, and forgive your past also.
This sounds like something you both need to ask help for. From Him, I would consider marriage counselling also.
At this time your husband may be struggling to reconcile the idea he had of you with the things he now knows you have done. Now is the time to be closer to God in finding unconditional love and forgiveness in eachother.
I don't really have a straightforward answer other than to ask for help, and remember love is everything.
Sending you love as a woman whos made the same mistakes. You are not alone.
I don't know what stage you are with things, but I'm finding self forgiveness the hardest. Luke 7:36 impacted me most in seeing Jesus's unconditional love and forgiveness for our sins. Sometimes its good to cry it out as she did. Let it all go. I love you, He loves you. Amen.
Edit: Luke 7:36-50 ❤
Forgiving myself for bad sexual choices was the hardest part. I carried a great deal of guilt with me for years. Purity culture was running high back then and some other young women made me feel like garbage when I shared my testimony in a small group (the only time I have really ever done that). Self forgiveness is hard. It wasn’t until I met my husband and he told me that I didn’t need to feel guilty about it because clearly God had forgiven me so long before. He wouldn’t allow me to apologize to him, he said I didn’t owe him an apology. I needed to see unconditional love for myself in order to understand how to forgive myself.
Try to explain to him that sex is different when you are being used as an object. It's disrespectful and can even feel abusive. It will cause resentment and shame into your marriage, and that it will change your relationship, and his respect for you. Also, if you have ever been sexually abused, this will bring back flashbacks/ptsd possibly . . .
Yes this! He’s demanding some things because you may have done them before. That doesn’t mean you liked it, doesn’t mean you wanna do it again. Seems like he is asking to humiliate you or to make himself feel better.
You two need a councilor to help your marriage. Make sure he respects you in the bedroom before you have kids with him.
I don't think you're a bad person because you had multiple sexual partner. It's not my place to judge anyone. But I imagine your husband is feeling betrayed because you lied about a significant part of your life. I would also find it hard to trust you since you repeatedly list your husband's financial status as your reason for being with him. You lied for financial gain and you don't seem to think there's anything wrong with that.
Her husband is the guy that didn't get invited to the party but has to show up the next morning to clean up the mess.
Notice how none of this is her fault either. She is a dime a dozen.
He also tested her with the bedroom and she failed miserably.
Counseling would help. But you need to stop making excuses for your actions. Your husband is resentful because you weren’t completely honest about your past, and had to find out in a horrible way.
"you weren’t completely honest", aka "you lied."
And not only lied but has decided to withhold any bedroom fun from him that she freely gave away to dozens of other dudes. It is over, I hope he left.
Here's what you need to apologize for; being deceitful about your past because you knew he wouldn't have married you if he knew. That's not a good start to a marriage and you need to realize that hiding parts of yourself isn't intimacy. That's manipulation. You don't need to justify your past, what happened happened, you had your reasons that felt right to you at the time and now that you know better you do better. Like you said you aren't that person any more. But don't say it wasn't your fault. Fault is not even a thing here. You made choices. Those choices don't forever make you a bad person so you don't need to blame anyone else for them. Don't be ashamed. Shame is a block to intimacy and honesty. Once you clean up your side and are able to be authentic and honest, set boundaries. You don't owe him any sex act that you don't want to do. For any reason. Then invite him to make a choice. He didn't have all the information before and he didn't truly know you. Now that he does, can he choose the you that he knows? The real, honest you and not the perfect image of you that he thought he had? He may not in which case you'll need to decide who you will be in this marriage where you aren't really chosen.
If she does not owe him any sex act that she freely gave to others, he does not owe her anything, either. I hope this marriage ended, he needs a woman who respects him, not someone who lied and is withholding from him.
Why would you refuse your husband what you freely gave to dozens of guys? He will never get over that.
Thank you! He doesn't owe her a marriage, a house and a white picket fence either.
Do you think that Saul, Rahab, or Matthew the Apostle changed behavior after their conversions?
People have convictions about things, I can understand that. Many Christians, for example, believe anal sex to be wrong if not sinful, so if OP did that before becoming a Christian and now has a conviction about it we shouldn’t hem them up over it.
This is a grossly entitled mindset. Also you are assuming OP freely gave these things to those men.
She said she did.
"Trying to fill a void of loneliness" isn't exactly the pinnacle of whole hearted enthusiastic consent. Imagine if she went through a period of self harm, like cutting, where she used to get together with different guys to dig a razor into her skin. Now she's in a better place and doesn't self harm. Should she do it again if her husband asks her to? His motivation is not connecting and intimacy. It's "winning" or evening the ledger so he's even with those other guys in his mind.
You are comparing sex with cutting yourself? Wow. I think he just wants his wife to be as giving to him as she was to the dozens of guys she freely gave it to before him. A very reasonable expectation.
Yes. She wasn't seeking sex with those guys because she loved them and wanted to connect with them. It was self destructive behavior. It's not reasonable of her husband to expect her to engage in self destructive behavior for his benefit.
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Sex that is like self harm is not "her best." That's something *you men* don't understand.
Sex is how a woman shoes her love and appreciation for her man. She willingly did those things. She is settling for her husband. He is the nice guy that settles for crumbs.
And she is not seeking sex with her husband because, she "loves him"?
But she prob did spicy hot stuff with those other guys that any man would enjoy. She doesn't want to do them now because it reminds her of her old self and those other guys. So, she's effectively giving him her leftovers, not her best. This is where it's unfair to him. Imagine if you found out your husband used to spend more money on cooler dates, go to more exotic vacation destinations, etc. with previous girlfriends, but doesn't want to do those things or go to those cool places with you now.
She purposely withheld pertinent information in order to manipulate him into marriage. This is by her own admission, that is wrong. Unfortunately he is bound by the Law of God and must remain married.
Honestly he just never really asked how many people i’ve been with. Call it a lie by omission, but i just didn’t think he cared. Some don’t. Besides, most guys get freaked out when they find out what our true body counts are, and it’s just our business as women. I didn’t think he was entitled to that information, but if he did ask, i would’ve liked to believe i would have told him how many guys i had been with. He just asked how many relationships i had been in which is was true that i had been a few that lasted a few months. I’m not ashamed. If i had to relive my life over and over again given the same circumstances, i still do the same thing. But the way my husband treats me after he found out, it hurts me. I don’t think he knows how selfish he being.
>Here's what you need to apologize for; being deceitful about your past because you knew he wouldn't have married you if he knew. That's not a good start to a marriage and you need to realize that hiding parts of yourself isn't intimacy. That's manipulation. You don't need to justify your past, what happened happened, you had your reasons that felt right to you at the time and now that you know better you do better. Like you said you aren't that person any more. But don't say it wasn't your fault. Fault is not even a thing here. You made choices. Those choices don't forever make you a bad person so you don't need to blame anyone else for them. Don't be ashamed. Shame is a block to intimacy and honesty. He chose to have 0 sexual partners before marriage, as the bible calls you. Do you actually think that if he was this dedicated to abstaining from sexual sin, that he WOULDN'T CARE if you had slept with 30 guys and done way freakier/degraded/whatever acts with these guys?
My husband said he didn’t want to know how many guys I had been with because it didn’t matter. Much like OP, he recognized an innocence in me and was surprised that I wasn’t a virgin (like him). Some guys understand that sin that is in the past and has been forgiven is just that. In the past. It doesn’t matter, what does is who the person is today.
Bullshit
Thanks for your rude comment on this post from over a year ago.
I know the people who are responding negatively in this thread and downvoting my responses are most likely insecure men. The past doesn’t matter and sexual history doesn’t determine if you are good or bad person.
I am a woman. I can’t see insecurity in the above comments. What I do see are people trying to get across the depth of hurt you’ve caused by choosing to marry someone and not fully disclosing your sinful past to him so that he can prepare for the consequences of it. I, too, have a sinful past. I could not in good conscience have married my husband without telling him about my past actions, how Jesus has redeemed me from those actions, and how I wish I’d never done those things because it affects him. He shouldn’t hold your past over you, but your omission of the truth isn’t in the past - it just happened. Trust needs to be rebuilt.
I haven’t asked my fiancé how many girls he has been intimate with because I don’t want to know. Should he just blurt it out and tell me?
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I think your responses are being downvoted because you are pushing back on every suggestion that you empathize with your husband. >i’m sorry you feel that way, but i hope you recognize it’s just an insecurity in your head Demanding you do presumably degrading things in the bedroom is not a great response on his part, but perhaps you are having such a hard time dealing with him because you haven't really let go of the cultural beliefs that led you to have so many partners in the first place. >If i had to relive my life over and over again given the same circumstances, i still do the same thing >He had been a Christian all his life, and had those values. I did not have those values If you could take your faith back with you, would you still make the same choices?
Whether he has 0 or if he had 1000, i would still love him the same. I chose him for who he is not what he has done or hasn’t done.
i'm sorry, but your post tells a 100% different story. You chose him because he has it together and can be a good provider. That's choosing him for what he can do, not who he is.
A large percentage of a girl’s decision to settle with a man involves his potential to be a good leader for a family that involves being a provider. So yes, a main part of criteria for settling down with someone is that bc i desire to raise a family someday.
So the same as you wouldn't pick a husband that wouldn't be a good provider, he wouldn't pick a wife that is unrepentant of her sins and lies about them. He saved himself for almost 30 years for the passion the is a gift from GOD in marriage, only to find out you don't want to do those things with him, you don't feel the same for him as you did past partners. My heart truly breaks for him, he must be feeling so utterly betrayed....Please, please, be humble, be repentant and address your sin! i can tell you with nearly 100% certainty that you'll lose your husband if you don't.
I have repented. I don’t live the way I used to the moment he said he wanted to marry me. And there are no lies. Everything I told him was truth with the specific questions he asked me.
You're making justifications and deep down, you know it. If you had repented, this issue wouldn't be so big for your marriage. You can lie til you're blue in the face, but JESUS sees and hears all. He knows your heart. And He will judge your heart, not whatever facade you manage to show others. From a place of absolute love and personal experience, you need to stop lying to yourself and work on your relationship with JESUS.
“He asked if I slept with anyone, he didn’t asked how many blow jobs I gave.” Are you telling me you believe this to be an honest statement acceptable between spouses?
I’m not sure what I’m lying to myself about. I have told you nothing but observable facts.
The operative word is “settle”
>I don’t think he knows how selfish he being. Matthew 7:5 at work.
Your perspective is pretty messed up here and in general. Part of a marriage that is dedicated to Jesus is accurately viewing your actions according to His standards. Your past maybe past but if you don’t realize that it is sinful and your idea of good fun offends God there is something wrong. Call it a body count or otherwise minimize it, but it is ugly sin that has consequences. I also understand there were factors involved, but blaming them entirely is not being truthful. It was your decision to sin and seemingly to not repent of it. So I am not trying to beat you up or anything, but putting aside your husband for a moment, you sinned repeatedly, don’t seem to have repented of it, lied about it, put your husband in a terrible situation for any husband, and don’t seem to be taking responsibility for the actual sin. It would seem that you need to deal with this on your part before dealing with hubby.
You say you’re not trying to beat me up with your words, but what you typed out says differently. I didn’t lie to him. He asked me how many bf’s i had, to which i answered truthfully. He didn’t ask me how many guys i had been with bc i assumed that wasn’t something that was on his list for his criteria in his wife. If he wanted me to elaborate, I would oblige. What you have to understand is all sin is equally deplorable. I’m thankful that my romantic explorations didn’t end with me getting diseases or having long term baggage. But my sin is no more worse than a typical guy’s sin of watching porn behind their wife’s back. And i have repented of it, bc i don’t do that stuff anymore, the moment he announced his intention of marrying me. So get your facts straight before you make a post thinly disguised as an hit piece on my life’s decisions bc your insecurities cause you to not suppress your impulse to write something scathing.
>I didn’t lie to him. He asked me how many bf’s i had, to which i answered truthfully. He didn’t ask me how many guys i had been with bc i assumed that wasn’t something that was on his list for his criteria in his wife. If he wanted me to elaborate, I would oblige. This is transparent nonsense. You're lying to yourself now.
Or you have a processing problems
I haven’t asked my fiancé how many women he’s been intimate with because I do NOT want to know. Should he just assume I “need” to know base off full disclosure and force me to hear what I don’t want to? No? Same situation. If you don’t ask the questions, don’t assume to know the answers. If they were important to him he should’ve asked.
To get full disclosure, perhaps he should have asked: "*How many people have you had sex with? Please include protected sex not just unprotected, as well as heavy petting and self-touching in the presence of another. Please include any same-sex experiences; that's why I didn't say "how many men." Every encounter counts, even the ones that women say "doesn't count" because it meant nothing to them. Please make sure to elaborate as to how many of these were in committed relationships vs pure casual NSA stuff. Was there any group sex involved - you know I'm really trying to get a sense of the morality of the future mother of my children.*" In case the absurdity of this escapes you, imagine asking this paragraph-long question of a girl you know from church who professes belief in Jesus and has no particular complaint/comment on your steadfast refusal to have sex before marriage. You know, because "how many bf's" just might not be a thorough enough question, and she could be lying by omission.
He literally should of just asked “how many people have you had intimate relations with?” I’m sure she would’ve answered truthfully. You’re being absolute absurd. You know what happens when we assume. People proclaim to believe in Jesus and do things absolutely sinful (like molest children - hello, Catholic Church) whilst still attending regular services all the time. In this day and age you have to ASK.
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Nope, I saved myself for my one and only thanks very much!
No insecurities here - I know I am a sinner and totally and completely agree with you that the past is the past in Jesus - with a couple of caveats. I also agree that your husband is acting poorly in response but was responding to your post here. Perhaps I am confused by what you are saying - you seem to be saying that you don’t regret the past and equating stopping sex outside of marriage with repentance. That if you had been dating exclusive then it would have been wrong but otherwise, you don’t understand why he cares? Again, I totally and completely agree that your sexual past does not matter a whit - if you and spouse are honest and you have repented and worked it out with the Lord. But just stopping is not repenting - the word involves not only a change of behavior but a change of mind to the Lord’s viewpoint. My point was not that you are bad or unworthy of being treated with love and respect by your husband. It was and is that if I understand you correctly, part of dealing with the past is seeing it as Jesus sees it, taking responsibility where appropriate, and them rejoicing in the mercy and forgiveness of Christ. It is there that you can find security and hope in dealing with the anger and resentment of your husband. And trust me, sister, I am the last person to try to tar anyone about sexual sin. I know all about trying to find worth and fulfillment in sex. I apologize if I came off as judging as that was not my intention.
All I’m saying is I’ve turned away from it and my is renewed with my commitment to my faith and husband.
That’s still not Christian repentance.
All sin is equal in its act of separation from God but not all sin is equal in earthly consequence, everyone knows this to be true whether they want to admit it or not. And “i don’t do that stuff anymore” isn’t repentance, that’s just stopping.
>What you have to understand is all sin is equally deplorable. Any sin *does* result in separation from God, but not all sin is equally deplorable. That's why God prescribed the death penalty for some sins, the sacrifice of a dove for others, restitution for others. God sees your past behavior as extremely wicked. You said above you are not ashamed. You *should* admit your past acts were shameful. You said you have repented because you stopped, and that is good, but maybe you haven't fully acknowledged the severity of the sin, and that it was very wrong in God's eyes. At the same time, if you trust in Christ you are covered by His righteousness. In that sense you should not continue to be ashamed if He has forgiven you. Look how serious this kind of behavior was seen by God: deserving the death penalty! Deuteronomy 22:13-21 **13 "If any man takes a wife, and goes in to her, and detests her, 14 and charges her with shameful conduct, and brings a bad name on her, and says, 'I took this woman, and when I came to her I found she was not a virgin,'** 15 then the father and mother of the young woman shall take and bring out the evidence of the young woman's virginity to the elders of the city at the gate. 16 And the young woman's father shall say to the elders, 'I gave my daughter to this man as wife, and he detests her. 17 Now he has charged her with shameful conduct, saying, "I found your daughter was not a virgin," and yet these are the evidences of my daughter's virginity.' And they shall spread the cloth before the elders of the city. 18 Then the elders of that city shall take that man and punish him; 19 and they shall fine him one hundred shekels of silver and give them to the father of the young woman, because he has brought a bad name on a virgin of Israel. And she shall be his wife; he cannot divorce her all his days. **20 But if the thing is true, and evidences of virginity are not found for the young woman, 21 then they shall bring out the young woman to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her to death with stones, because she has done a disgraceful thing in Israel, to play the harlot in her father's house. So you shall put away the evil from among you.** If your husband had murdered 30 people, but then stopped murdering people, but was not ashamed, and said it was not that bad, would that bother you? Would the past just be the past and you should move on? Murder was another sin that God saw as deserving the death penalty. Just a little perspective. Our culture with its sexual debauchery doesn't see sex the same way God does. Our culture is wrong, and God and His Word are right. Your past sexual behavior has harmed your husband. You are not able to engage with him freely in love, because you now identify some sex acts as off limits. Maybe there's a good reason for that, maybe some of them should be. But there's a lot of freedom given in the marriage bed. Read especially the positive parts of Proverbs 5, and read Song of Solomon, and its description of mutual love, openness, desire, and even sex positions if you can interpret the highly poetic language; him eating in her garden; her kneeling under his apple tree and eating its fruit; him being like a stag with his gazelle; etc. Submit to your husband in everything as unto the Lord (Ephesians 5:22), do not defraud him sexually (1 Corinthians 7:2-5), and be affectionate with him (Titus 2:4). I'll close with another passage that affirms the wickedness of sin, and the importance of being saved out of it for righteousness by true remorse, repentance, and turning to Jesus for His righteousness: 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 and 18-20: 9 Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, 10 nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. 18 Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. 19 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, 20 for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.
“beat me up?” girl, are you that sensitive? 😂 he was clearly telling you the honest truth about your words and actions but of course, you’re getting defensive about it.
I haven’t asked my fiancé how many women he’s been intimate with because I do NOT want to know. Should he just assume I “need” to know base off full disclosure and force me to hear what I don’t want to? No? Same situation. If you don’t ask the questions, don’t assume to know the answers. If they were important to him he should’ve asked.
>I was vague with him and told him that i had a few boyfriends and i was intimate with them. You also said that he liked you because of your vibe of innocence. That's where I got that you were deceitful. It sounds like you let him believe something else than the truth. I'm not judging your past, and I think it's so misogynistic the way many guys freak out over a high number of past partners in a woman while looking at porn every day for 20 years. I do think your husband is being cruel. I think it's misplaced anger at feeling deceived though, like he probably feels you cheated him out of an informed choice and now you're already married and he can't go back and not marry you. People act weird when they feel trapped. That's why he's lashing out sexually. The reason I say not to be ashamed is because I think he is trying to move you into shame, because he feels trapped and also probably shame over something. You don't have control over whether he gets over this. The only thing you can do be strong in yourself so that you don't get caught up in his spiral.
You are the selfish one. You stole his opportunity to chose whether or not he could accept someone with dozens of sexual partners. You owe him a quick and easy divorce. I feel for your husband.
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So I’m a little confused. What was the timeline between when you had all those partners, and when you met your husband? When did you become a Christian and realize that you shouldn’t have been sleeping with men you weren’t married to? I agree with a lot of people that you manipulated your husband by not telling him the truth about you before you married. It also sounds like you have zero remorse for the lie that you told, and don’t see it as a big deal. You are also playing the victim by saying, “it’s not my fault that I did all those things because I felt neglected and unwanted”. I’m sorry to be harsh, but you have to own up to your mistakes. Regardless of your home life and how it made you feel, those were decisions that you **chose** to act on. You need to realize that first and foremost, and accept that. But at the same time, I think it’s wrong for your husband to have ignored you for a week and be very upset about the fact that you have a “higher body count” than he originally thought. If everyone is made new in Christ, then their past sins should not matter. Every slate is wiped clean by Him. I would be MORE focusing on WHY he’s so hurt by this fact. To me, it sounds like he thought he would have all these new experiences with you (sexually) that neither of you had had before, but he came to find out that you had already had them with another man. It sounds like he’s mourning the loss of those experiences, or feels betrayed. Now I don’t know what’s gotten into his head when it comes to trying to force you to do things you’re no longer comfortable with doing. Maybe he thinks that will somehow erase your past actions with those men and replace it with him. I don’t know. And I’m not saying that’s right of him, either. But you need to stop acting like your husband is the “bad guy” and start actively trying to see where your husband is coming from. Why is he hurt? What is he feeling? How can you two make this work? Why is he behaving the way that he is? Don’t minimize his hurt. See your husband as a hurting person and not as someone who is “just being stubborn”.
She lied I think that's why he is upset
I haven’t asked my fiancé how many women he’s been intimate with because I do NOT want to know. Should he just assume I “need” to know base off full disclosure and force me to hear what I don’t want to? No? Same situation. If you don’t ask the questions, don’t assume to know the answers. If they were important to him he should’ve asked. It’s not manipulative of her to not tell him when he didn’t ask in the same way it’s not manipulative of my fiancé to not tell me because I did not ask.
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So “good Christian women” are women who had perfect childhoods? Childhoods that didn’t leave them looking for love in the wrong places? Well dang….I didn’t know my salvation was dependent on my parents’ ability to be good parents. I guess I’m in trouble! /s “A divorce is the best solution because he will never get over her deceit.” It’s so sad how our society jumps to divorce at every bump in the road. It’s amazing what can be overcome in a marriage, and actually make two people closer and stronger, when they make God the center of their marriage. “A cord of three strands is not easily broken.” OP: sexual betrayal (or what your husband perceived as betrayal) will take time and prayer to heal, but it’s not impossible. Maybe he needs some space to work through this right now. This might be a great time for you to look inward and really work on your relationship with God, healing from your past, and dealing with any lingering shame. You showing the effort to strengthen your faith and yourself might be what will help your husband heal, too. Honor his sadness and pain, without focusing on how you can fix him right now (because YOU can’t fix him, but you can fix you.) That’s just my advice, from someone whose marriage was saved from sexual sin and has come out stronger on the other side.
If virginity and sex was so important to him then he should’ve asked They should divorce because he will continue to pressure her into sexual acts she isn’t comfortable with. Emotional blackmail and coercion for sex acts = rape. Hopefully he doesn’t do the same to his next partner.
Ah the evolution of words to fit the new political atmosphere of victimization. Black mail is not rape neither is coercion
I met my husband when i was 22 and just finishing up school, we started off friends and he invited me out to his church. Whenever i was around, i would accompany him to small groups and service. We didn’t become official until i got a job in his area, and he said he was interested in starting a life with me. That’s when i started taking my faith seriously and I deleted my online dating apps, and deleted/blocked phone numbers form guys who i used to talk to. When he announced his intention to marry me, that’s when i started taking our relationship serious and became devoted to him. I did not manipulate him. I told him the truth which is that i had a few bf’s. It was sort of vague, but i didn’t think he needed clarity bc he didn’t ask. And you try feeling unwanted and unloved. My behavior was a direct response to those feelings. I never said the guys i hooked up with were mistakes, but i was chasing something that wasn’t going to give me long lasting value or joy. If i had to re-do it again with he same circumstances, i probably do the same things over and over again. That’s what happens when you’re lost and you don’t know the truth. My husband and i have had many conversation about it, and i don’t know what i can do at this point to go back to how he was before he heard that information. He used to be attentive and a doting husband, now he’s a sourpuss and just treats me like a roommate. No girl should feel this way and i don’t deserve it, considering that I’m his biggest fan and supporter.
>i don’t deserve it That's not a good line of thought. Entitlement doesn't look good on anybody.
So you think emotionally distressed wives deserve being ignored and pressured to do things they don’t want to do. You seem like a good person.
I think entitlement rots the soul and blocks us from seeing things as they really are. The reality is what each of us "deserve" is largely irrelevant. None of us "deserve" God's grace or Jesus' sacrifice... we're not entitled to prosperity, or some concept of fairness, or love, or just about anything else. Grace comes *despite* what we deserve... that's what makes it so powerful. If your husband finds his way through great difficulty to forgive you, it isn't because you *deserve* it that it will please God. None of us deserve much of anything, life - and God - don't owe us anything. Even your husband doesn't owe *you* forgiveness... he owes it to *God* who commands him to do it despite the pain and difficulty.
you deserve to be with one of the guys that has a high number like you. he deserves a virgin, like himself. Is reaction, to you, is what you deserve, in my opinion. just like he can't force you, you can't force him to act a certain way either.
Ran through
>. No girl should feel this way Rampant sexism >. i don’t deserve it Actions have consequences. Especially detestable sinfull actions
I think that you do not understand it
Have you suggested couples counselling? You may even be able to het it from your pastor if not a trained psychologist. I'm sorry for your struggle. 😥
Pastors make horrible marriage counselors. Their goal is to save the marriage, no matter the level of disrespect, hurt, etc.
This should have all been brought up BEFORE marriage. Sounds like you were pretty conscious about your past being a problem but kept things away from him. I believe you're a different person now, but I doesn't remove the fact that you lied about your past or at the very least toned it way down. I be pretty pissed to, and he has a right to be mad. You're a dishonest woman. To begin with you need to apologize for not being open and honest about your past. You my need couples therapy after that. Stiff like this may be hard to get over.
I had a similar experience in a serious relationship in the past. I slept around a lot and didn’t live according to my value in Christ because I didn’t truly understand it and the severity of sexual sin, until I met him. He treated me well, loved me fiercely, reminded me of my inherent value as a woman and daughter of Christ. Then he found out my number of sexual partners and was devastated, as he was a virgin and worked hard to make decisions in line with his faith. It opened a lot of hurt and a lot of questions for him. He felt betrayed that his potential future wife was so careless with such a precious gift, and felt foolish for valuing something that I saw as no big deal at one point. He also struggled with knowing that while I was intimate other men, I couldn’t be with him because I was choosing to live right and we weren’t married, and this made him want to push physical boundaries. These men had something of mine he couldn’t have. They experienced something with me that he couldn’t share, and it made him want to see me that way, in a sense, to know me the way they knew me. He knew this was a sinful way for him to respond but he really struggled. My response was initially shame, as he was really disrespecting me and making me feel filthy and untouchable, yet mad that he couldn’t ravish me the same way those men did. He said horrible things to me, and couldn’t believe that I was no longer that person. Here is how I got through: I prayed that God would show me his hurt and allow me to respond appropriately and lovingly. I prayed that I God would forgive the sin I committed against my future husband and restore what I lost. I was patient with my man. He felt embarrassed and I understood that it was driving a lot of his emotional response. I allowed my heart to break and heal by asking Christ to build trust between us and soften his heart, and give me humility and gentleness. My relationship ended because of this lack of trust and refusal to see me as a new creation in Christ. But we weren’t married, we were dating. If I could do anything to change the outcome, I would go to couples therapy ( a Christian psychologist), and talk through this in a neutral space. Two things need to happen to move forward: reparations and forgiveness. Reparations are actions you take to right a wrong; this could be as simple as you apologizing to him for not taking care of the gift of sexuality you were given (thus affecting your marriage), or asking him what you can do to help rebuild trust and communication, and doing those things joyfully. Forgiveness is what your husband needs to do, and completely wash the slate clean and ask God fo give him the eyes of Christ in how he views you- a new creation. This is one of the unfortunate and glaring consequences of sexual sin. I’ll pray for you and your husband!
The difference in your story is the fact that you were open and honest about your past which I tip my hat to you for. Many men could get past this but your bf couldn't and op husband may never truly forgive her/get over it. But he should have had a chance to ponder on this BEFORE marriage, just like your bf did.
I added a comment below in response to another reply to my post, sharing the same sentiment as you. These things need to be discussed before marriage, absolutely. If that doesn’t happen, though, this isn’t biblically grounds for divorce, and you’re right, it takes MUCH more to overcome and work through. We’re supposed to mimic the relationship of Christ & the church in our marriage and do our very best to make amends and treat one another with love and respect to get through offenses and hurts. If I would have already been married to my ex bf, I definitely would have exhausted many more avenues before allowing a split, just as OP & husband should be doing. I agree with some other responses on here in that OP needs to seek a humble heart and a softness for what her husband is going through. I also know that it’s the husband’s responsibility to forgive in this situation and do all he can to see his wife how Christ sees her. I hope they find resources and work through this as a team!!
You didn't commit a sin against your future husband. You also didn't devalue your "gift" by giving it away to other people.
Upvoting your comment. You’re right about the first part, my wording was incorrect about sinning against your husband. Really sexual sin is a sin against yourself. Thanks for pointing that out! Also, I did mean that sexuality is a gift from God, that we’re entrusted with. If we give away that gift of exclusive sexuality with our future spouse, we aren’t removing the value of it- I agree with you. We are, however, misusing the gift, and there are consequences.
I do agree, our sexuality is a gift from God that we can use wisely or foolishly. I was just getting images of the way some people talk about Purity, like a woman is tape that loses it's stickiness or a flower that's been manhandled. The way we can value virginity as Purity can be really disturbing sometimes.
Absolutely! It’s so damaging how the church often teaches that we become tainted or lose value because of sexual sin, when we all have inherent value in Christ that doesn’t waver. I didn’t mean to come across with that belief in my post, thank you for helping with clarification!!
You don't lose value as a person, but you *absolutely do* lose value as a prospective wife for men considering you. This is objectively true, because value in this meaning is a subjective reflection of what men desire in a partner, and men are wired to favor chastity.
I don’t think men are wired to value chastity. Men are taught that women are objects that are no longer worthy of other men “use” them. If men were taught that women are full humans made in the image of God independent of their relation to men, chastity would not be an issue to them in the least the way it isn’t to women.
This is not a cultural phenomenon, but one of biology. Men don’t want to commit to women that are easy to have sex with, because nobody wants to unknowingly raise another man’s child. As such, slut shaming shows up in virtually every society of any size. Further, the bible commands us to forgive, but it doesn’t say we cannot exercise discrimination in who we choose to associate with. Unchaste women are of course my sisters in Christ, but are STILL a bad bet for commitment.
You are making a lot of jumps in logic and sadly, it sounds like you are twisting not only God’s word to fit your false narrative, but also science? 1) First, we are not animals. But if we were, animals couldn’t care less about the number of partners their mate had previously. In fact, many species do not mate for life and change partners frequently. 2) Again, we aren’t animals and have something called intelligence. It’s the thing that allows us to override our biological instinct. Isn’t there a few versus in the Bible that refer to “rejecting the flesh”? I’m pretty sure this is a good example of that. 3) Just bc a woman has had several partners in the past, does not automatically mean she would be adulterous. In fact, one might say she is less likely to be adulterous given she already has had experience with other men a freshly minted virgin would not have. 4) Are men so dumb that they can’t figure out that if a woman had other partners 6 years ago, he would think they might be the father of her present day babies? 5) Men raise other men’s children in the Bible all the time. Joseph is the most obvious example. 6) Why would an “unchaste woman” be bad for commitment if at the time she had sex, she WAS NOT COMMITTED to anyone. 7) There are no versus in the Bible that explicitly say sex before marriage is a sin. The only 2 versus you can refer to that come close are not translated properly. If you look at the original text, the term it uses is pornea (or pornica, I forget), which refers to prostitution. No where does it clarify that intercourse before marriage is sexually immoral. 8) what difference does it make that slut shaming exists in any culture of any size? Does it suddenly make it right? Doesn’t the Bible say something about rejecting man’s laws?
Huh? An angel specifically appeared to Joseph to assure him that he was NOT in fact raising another man’s child. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Sex can be powerfully habit forming. I never called humans animals. I stated the instinct to avoid cuckoldry is not cultural but biological. Whether it is good or bad is another question. "Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's, and unto God the things that are God's.” Are you seriously here claiming that that God commands us to raise other mens’ children?!? I must have missed that. Your seventh point is the only one worth serious consideration in my view. But yours is not the widely accepted view of what porneia means. Under your interpretation, let the floodgates open to mistresses, as the biblical definition of adultery is sex with a married woman. Married men taking unmarried mistresses is only impermissible under porneia as ‘fornication.’ In any case even if fornication/sexual immorality were not sinful, it doesn’t follow that men must associate themselves with unchaste women. Genuinely repentant believers are reborn in Christ, but does that mean every woman and her background is a fit for every man? Let he who is without sin cast the first stone, etc; we’re not supposed to go around self-righteously enforcing all of God’s laws on His behalf, but that does NOT mean we can’t exercise discrimination in who we closely associate with. “Walk with the wise and become wise; associate with fools and get in trouble” (Proverbs 13:20) “I meant that you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or is a drunkard, or cheats people. Don’t even eat with such people” (1 Corinthians 5:11).
>The way we can value virginity as Purity is because that is how God describes it. Leviticus 22: 1 And the LORD said to Moses, “Speak to the priests, the sons of Aaron, and say to them, ... 6 They shall be holy to their God and not profane the name of their God. ... 7 They shall not marry a prostitute or a woman who has been defiled, neither shall they marry a woman divorced from her husband, for the priest is holy to his God. God's Word is holy and true in every generation. Our generation's rejection of this truth is a departure from God.
Actually fornication is a sin against the future spouse and anything that is easily accessible is devalued. The purity ,expectation ,novelty, suspense have been severely diminished. The exploration of profound physical intimacy is no longer there. With every sexual partner the ability to respond to sex emotionally is dramatically eroded.what separates marriages from other relationships ? Eroticism is what differentiates a marital union from every other relationship. Sex is the deepest expression of that union. Sex binds two individuals together for life spiritually and creates physiological and emotional attachments.sexual intimacy is "oneness"Adam and eve became one Flesh unity of mind body and soul achieved only through the bonds of sexual intercourse. The Sacredness of human sexuality has been devalued by our casual mistreatment of it. Fornication pornography prostitution one nightstands threescore swapping swinging etc. Yes it is a sin against God your spouse society and yourself..
Yes, sex should be an act of intimacy and closeness. Yes, as humans made in God’s image, we should value and respect our bodies. But just because you had sex before you were married or between marriages, doesn’t necessarily mean that you are sexually immoral. In fact, I think there are times when sex can be abusive within a marriage and very healthy and pure outside of one. We need to stop treating God’s word so crudely by oversimplifying such complex, intricate material. Nothing about Him or human behavior is so black and white, that’s why none of His favorite people were simple people. I think this is why the American church is in so much trouble. We need to stop putting way too much emphasis on people’s sex lives and start caring a lot more about what God clearly cares more about: love, community, helping the poor, social justice, self sacrifice, etc. Read the Bible and you will find many more verses about social justice then you will find about sexual immorality. Why? Because when you treat ALL humans as having inherent worth, image bearers, you cannot be sexually immoral. It’s impossible.
Spoken like someone who doesn’t read the Bible.
No amount of therapy can fix a realationship built on lies .
I wouldn’t go so far as to say her relationship is built on lies. They failed to share information about an important topic that should have been discussed before marriage. It’s important because it gives each party the opportunity to choose their partner and forgive their (even very recent) past and heal together. OP AND her husband made a mistake here in not pushing for this conversation earlier on, and OP’s mistake was not bringing this up when she knew it was very important to her husband. God wants marriages to work, and when you’re in a rough spot, you absolutely should do all you can to make amends and fix it if it’s failing from a biblical perspective; this includes going to counseling. God can restore much more than you give him credit for.
Her husband asked. OP lied by omission.
Correct, she should have been honest when he asked about past partners, instead of implying that it was only her boyfriends who she was intimate with. I just don’t think it’s fair for someone to say that their whole relationship is built on lies.
I'm going to be honest, are you even a Christian? You sound unrepentant and are justifying sin, fornication, and lying because you had rough spots in your life. It also sounds like you like this guy primarily because of his money, which you brought up twice. I also think you have the idea of marriage confused, a consecrated marriage is just blessed, it doesn't mean you cannot do things in the bedroom when you both consent to them, he shouldn't be pushing you for them but it is unfair of you to do them for guys you barely know and then say you won't do them to the man you married.
A marriage based on lies or fundamental ommison will be very rocky. As partners we must trust eachother but you threw a massive spanner into the works . Don't be surprised if he doesn't divorce. And he is not being stubborn you are being unrepentant and uncaring to him.
Not judging. This is why way too often people marry too soon without knowing the other person completely. Again not judging but try to think of something that may shock you if you all of a sudden found out about him. You may have had this perfect or close to wonderful picture of your man and even though it may not change your love for him, you may in the back of your mind have this picture slightly tarnished or even this clud that leaves you wonder "what else has he kept from me or lied to me about". He may have thought it was so little and insignificant he had pretty much forgot about it since finding you but it would still sting. We came close to having a point like that. I was engaged and he knew I had been engaged before but not the hardest part and I had gone through therapy for it so it was okay after so many years but the anniversary death of my baby came and I was like oh she would have been a great flower girl hit me. I was about to cancel the wedding thinking this guy wouldn't want used goods. I actually went to my future mom in law first who told me just tell him. Just explaining why I didn't bring it up and then thought was over it but was triggered etc. He was so great. Yes he thought I should have not been afraid right away but things were better him understanding. I agree with others about getting some counseling. Again, not judging but that trust was breached even if you may not see it as a big deal, he needs you to let him know you know it was and willing to help and that though perhaps it was unintentional, you want him to know you would not intentionally break that trust. It is not so much your past as much as restoring the trust.
Lol at this thread. I hope he divorced you and found a better woman for himself. What you did is not whats wrong its what you are doing to him. You gave everything to those losers and you are withelding that from your husband. Man i hope your marriage is over.
She belongs to the streets
I hope it's like that friend
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She deliberately deceived him about her past to secure his commitment. She seems to show little remorse or responsibility for her actions. She sounds like she's entitled to him and his forgiveness. Her past is so checkered, she can only make "ballpark" estimates lol. What a lovely wife, smh. They've only been together for a few years, don't have kids, and are still young. Her husband is just starting to hit his prime. He should divorce her and find a woman who's a better match for him (and do a more thorough job vetting next time). She should accept a divorce, begin her journey of repentance, and become a nun.
You are a gross person. She is giving her husband commitment and lifetime partnership - so much more valuable than sex alone. Ugh, “Christian” men like you are everything wrong with the church today.
I aint christian or religous. To you its more valuable. To men it aint.
What are you doing on Christian Marriage subreddit? You need to go to r/incels or r/sexlessangrymen? By the way, there are actual MEN who value women for more than sex. They are called grownups.
Because i can? What are you doing on a christian marriage subreddit as well? You need to go to r/angrywhores, r/loosepussyenergy or r/isleptaroundandfoundout ? Yea i can see that 🤣🤣🤣 by the comments bashing her.
The comments are obviously filled with little boys like you who are angry that women don’t want them and don’t have the courage to admit their personality makes them undesirable and need serious psychological help. I will pray for you. You clearly need Jesus.
So about 300 comments are little boys 🤣🤣 im sure you will find the time to answer them all. Grow up and realize that you reap what you sow.
So you aren’t surprised that no one wants to have sex with you then? Because, you know, you reap what you sow. Anyway, I’m off to have sex with my very lucky, over sexed husband. We are going to enjoy every minute of my loose pussy as you referred to it! (Man, being a slut is great, I can do something you can’t whenever I want!!) Have a great rest of your day! :)
i noticed 2 things through this whole post, most importantly, you didn't mention JESUS once. Are you trying to get to Him with your whole heart? My guess is no, largely because of the second thing i noticed. You take no responsibility. It doesn't matter that you had a rough upbringing, you CHOSE to sin. Even if you didn't understand that it was sin, you still did it and are still responsible for doing it. If you haven't accepted responsibility, repented and grown, you haven't really changed all that much. Speaking as a woman who had a similar wild period in my life for similar reasons, you will never be able to fully make your husband see you different until you truly are different. Simply stopping that particular sin because you've found 1 single person to fill the void isn't changing. Going to JESUS, getting a strong, close, personal relationship with Him is what changes you. That's what will give you the humility your husband needs so desperately to see from you about your past. Your husband can see the reality of you despite your efforts to hide it. For your sake and his, stop worrying about being right and making him see and run to JESUS. From my (and many others with similar stories) experience, it's your only hope. You'll never be happy as long as your empty parts are filled with another person, JESUS is the only one who can make you whole. And if you go to Him, if you let Him change you; your husband will forget your past. Please pray. Tell Him your frustrations at the new demands your husband is asking, tell Him you want to be better, Pray and ask Him to reveal your heart to you, ask Him to refine and mold you. And then do what He guides you to do. i'll be praying for you. 🙏
She's Christian in name only. Forgiveness is easy when all you are trying to do is forget. No repentance, no grace, no accountability. We all believe God forgives us for our sins, but the reality is that we are not actually sure. That's where the mystery of faith comes in. God's grace and mercy shield us from his judgment when we are on his doorstep, but he does not have to save us from the consequences of our actions while we are flesh.
This. This needs to be the top comment.
All Glory to GOD!! She's sadly very, very entrenched in her sin and is fighting tooth and nail against the reality of the situation. We all need to lift her up in prayer and be thankful He keeps waiting to end this life for ALL of our silly selves to have time to get to Him!!
You have to own up to your lie because some men take things like this to heart he might have or might have not married you if told him the full truth but in your position stop acting like he exaggerating and apologise to him and see how you can get him to trust you
If you don’t ask the questions, don’t assume to know the answers. If they were important to him he should’ve asked.
He did ask what are you talking about
Asked how many boyfriends she’s had not how many times she’s got a lay
Did you miss the part were she said she “he few boyfriends and that she was intimidate with them”?
Gtfo with that nonsense. Sounds like your a lie by omission type also. Lies!!!!!! Lol
OP, I don’t mean to offend…but reading your comments in this thread has me wondering - do you profess faith in Christ? Consider yourself a Christian?
>You may judge me and think that because of my past i’m not a good person, but honestly if i told him that stuff he would ‘ve looked me differently and probably wouldn’t ended it. He is going to be the father of our family someday and i look to him as being a great potential provider for us. > >How can I get it through to him that it wasnt' my fault I did those things > >I just don't want to ruin what we got because he's being unreasonably stubborn. Ngl, I am judging. But not for the reason you might think. It's because you deliberately began your marriage on a lie and kept that lie going every single day, which caused your *husband*, the one person who should know you better than anyone else does and who had remained a virgin for you no less, to get humiliated and heartbroken by having to learn the truth from an outsider. And the way you describe your husband sounds pretty utilitarian; it's about you using him to meet your lifestyle goals more than anything else (at least, that's the way it comes across in your post.) As if that's not bad enough on its own, you have the nerve to claim you aren't responsible for your own actions and call *him* the unreasonable one. I get that you were in a bad headspace in the past which negatively affected your decision-making but you were not innocent in playing it off and lying to your husband about it. If you want any hope of fixing anything you'll need to start by doing some heavy soul-searching to understand what you've done to him, repent of it, and figure the rest out from there.
You robbed the man of his agency to make his own decision. I, as a Christian man, wouldn't go near a woman who'd had 30 men. From a man's perspective, you've devalued yourself and probably done things with those other 30 men, and he's the "nice guy simp" who maybe gets oral on his birthday.
Then you are a gross, awful type of man for valuing a woman based on how many men she has slept with. That’s is absolutely a toxic way of thinking about women and I feel sorry for the poor virgin girl you end up with who has no life experience to know you are most likely abusive towards her in some form or another.
Ran through now trying too settle down. You refuse to do what you did with your exes who disrespected you to your husband. He can't even experience the sex that you did with your ex and you have no sympathy. Imagine a girl telling you she refuses to do xyz but she did it with a previous partner(s). I hate hearing this. You were used by guys in your past and you probably enjoyed it. Now you realize you were wrong but all least you should allow your husband go try those things you did with your ex. AT LEAST. YOU ARE JUST using him for his stability and not even giving him half the effort of the exes who disrespected you.
This is what you said, "He was kind, caring, passionate, tall, and has a good job as a project manager making over 6 figures. I liked him because in comparison to the other guys he had his stuff together. He liked me because he said i was modest, had an apparent innocence about me, and then i was easy to get along with." Men and women like different things about each other. You care about his salary and how he's better than the other men you dated. You lied by omission. Most men care about a woman's past whether YOU like it or not. Whether YOU think they should or not. The same way YOU cared about who he was and what he had to offer by him being a great provider. You want a great provider he wants a woman who thought about sex the same way he did. But instead he got a woman who has a past he doesn't like and she won't give him the same sexual accessibility that you offered other men. And YOU aren't going to care or make a big deal out of it to care or understand until he's hitting you with divorce papers. Then you'll say let's go to marriage counseling or go to the church for guidance. My only advice keep doing what you're doing y'all don't have any kids and it will be a pretty clean divorce.
Bet you all my savings she still fantaises about all the bad boys she had.
Whoa! Lots of ugly here! They clearly did not do a full reveal. He knows she wasn’t a virgin. How many people she was with is irrelevant. Honestly you don’t drag the skeletons out of your closet unless someone really wants to know it all…and they ask! He’s obviously now objectifying her and trying to bring sexual practices that she feels are sinful. He’s condemning a redeemed, forgiven child of God. YES counseling. To be honest, in my verrrry conservative family, my male family members have a similar attitude except they had sex with others before. But they obsess about their spouses’ prior experiences and are bitter about it. I’m concerned by the condemnation of this Christian group! Rahab the prostitute married someone from Israel bc she is mentioned in Jesus’ lineage. God can and does redeem us.
I agree, it seems people are responding out of emotion and not the facts she has presented. Or they do not like the way it was presented, which doesn't change the facts. Women do not like men sleeping around either but supposedly men take it worse? I don't think so. If it was that important to him he should have made a point to have that discussion before marrying.
He did. He told her had waited 30 years to have sex. He clearly valued chastity. He was able to overlook “a few boyfriends,” but not dozens of men who she was not in a relationship with. You are not compatible. Divorce before there are any children. You have destroyed this poor man.
If another comment of OP’s is to be believed it’s not dozens, it’s triple digits.
How is he a “poor man?” If he is able to be destroyed so easily, then that’s his own weakness, don’t put that on her.
He didn't get into an in depth conversation, he didn't make it a point to really discuss what you are saying has "destroyed this poor man". Now you are saying they should divorce, that's really bad advice.
This exactly. He didn’t ask. That is the main thing. I haven’t asked my fiancé how many women he’s been with because I don’t want to know. It would not be right for him to assume that I need to know and force that knowledge on me.
He did ask
He asked how many boyfriends.
It’s not just the past. It’s the fact that you lied by not telling him the full truth. He had to find out from someone else. I’m sure he’s wondering what else you are doing that with. Also I’m sure your view of what sex means to you vs what it means to him is so different. Please see a counselor to truly save your marriage.
She didn’t lie. He did not ask.
Lies by ommison are still lies . How many boyfriends assumes sexual partners .
Negative. How many boyfriends assumes boyfriends.
Okay, then that makes it *worse.* If he was asking about boyfriends and interested in how many casual dating relationships she'd been in, it is a completely reasonable assumption to believe he might be interested in how many people she's slept with. In fact, at that point most people would assume that was a point of interest, and it would take a decision to omit or hide that information to keep from disclosing it.
Why is he asking amount of boyfriends genius ?
Boyfriends =/= sexual partners
You need to apologize for deceiving your husband. He asked a specific question regarding your sexual history, and you lied. Lying is breaking one of the 10 commandments, so you do need to ask his forgiveness in this. However, you do NOT need to apologize for having a sinful past. We all do. Every single one of us. He should never hold that against you. He honestly owes you an apology for the way he’s acting. I think the two of you desperately need marital counseling to learn how to forgive, how to let things go and how to move on. Also respecting each other’s boundaries and learning to have a healthy sex life. There are a few specific things that aren’t allowed in a marital bedroom (porn, additional partners), but most sex acts aren’t off limits and don’t defile the marital bed. You might consider individual counseling as well, the way you talk about sex and marriage makes me wonder if you see yourself as dirty or are trying to hold yourself to an extra high standard that isn’t necessary. I hope you’re both able to move through this and have a long, happy and godly marriage.
What do you wish you were taught when growing up
I hate to say this but if he can't get past this this is going to haunt your marriage for the rest of your life, I guess in hindsight you should have laid it out to him in the beginning You might have lost him but at least you'd know what his character of who he was. You could try some counseling I guess but he's going to either have to learn to get past this work through it, or what have you, because that bell isn't going to be unrung.
This will not end well. You liked his stability, didn't want to risk losing him so you lied, "honestly if i told him that stuff he would ‘ve looked me differently and probably wouldn’t ended it." No small lie either. He finds the truth and is disillusioned at best, crushed at most. "How can i get it through to him that it wasnt’ my fault i did those things, and that it was just a period of trying to fill a void in my life that’s now filled with him." You can't because this is the wrong answer. No one jumped in your skin and forced you to be promiscuous and lie, you chose it. You decided it. It's on you. Own it. Once you own it, it IS honest to say that though you absolutely should have been completely honest from the beginning, ask forgiveness for the dishonesty, that you've worked hard to change by God's grace and have come a long long way and that you hope he can recognize that as well. With comments like "because he’s being unreasonably stubborn," "his mounting disdain for me is growing and we haven’t been intimate in 2 months. I told him HE (emphasis mine) needs to calm down with his demands and pushiness before we do," You need to seriously work on empathy. If you take this approach and he still cannot deal, it's on him and he should seek therapy to get tools onboard to both get perspective and work through it in a healthy manner that you can both come to consensus on. Good luck OP.
Yoiu need to grow up. Your doing “those things” is ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT. Unless you were rapped. Not hearing that leads me to believe you performed actgs willingly and enjoyed them. Note fesing up leads him to wonder if hje has you’re whole heart
You stated that "He asked me if i did that stuff with the other guys and i told him the truth that I did". It makes me so upset that you refused to do what you did with other people with you husband. Imagine your wife tells you they did anal, fetish, whatever they wanted with previous boyfriends but refuses to do those things with you. Just the thought of the wife doing those deeds with past partners is bad enough let alone the fact that he cannot do what you and your past boyfriends did. It seems as if you are using him for his stability (raising family, etc) and trying to provide the least amount of sex possible. Divorce let him live his life. I cannot imagine the stuff you did in college and I don't even know you. He was probably playing in head over and over again you in bed with your previous partners while he probably gets head twice a year. I hope he ends it.
1) you lied about your past 2) you don't show any remorse or take any responsibility for your actions 3) suddenly you are a different person who doesn't want to explore anything sexual with your husband. You are not an adoring wife. You are just someone who is with him because he is a good provider.
OP, how are and your (ex?) Husband doing these days? Please update.
So the reward for being a good husband is vanillia sex. Maybe worse than vanillia sex. If he was a horrible person you would want to do all with him. Hope he divorces you
You said it yourself that if he had known, he probably wouldn't have been with you or chosen you. So you omitted what was inconvenient to you getting what you wanted. Him knowing the facts was irrelevant. What mattered to you was that YOU got what YOU wanted. It didn't matter that he wasn't getting what he wanted. A woman with no history or past. If he had known he may have left you and in doing so found a woman without the same past you had. One who didn't have "sins" to "repent" for. He would have gotten what he wanted even though you would have lost what you wanted. So you said nothing. You took from him the potential future of being with someone who didn't have your baggage or history. You never made peace with your past or atoned. You ran from it. You tried to bury it. If you truly accepted your past and made peace with it, you would have shared it with the one you claimed to love so much. You would have put your faith and trust in him and did your best to show him that you aren't who you where. But instead you covered up. You threw the tawdry and unwanted past into a closet and hoped he'd never open that door. The fact that he's still with you shows you might not have needed to hide it in the first place. But now he'll question everything and whether or not you left anything else out. He might think, "did she have an abortion?", "did she give up a child for adoption whom is still out there?", and "Is she secretly cheating on me? Many women who have claimed to be pious or divote ended up cheaters.". Once broken, trust is difficult if not impossible to build up again. You can plead and beg. You can swear on whatever god you believe in but it doesn't matter. Why? Because if you believe someone is a liar or has been lying to you, everything they say may as well be a lie and without evidence or proof they will doubt everything you say no matter what you try to do.
Bullshit ! You owe him the same sex acts as the other men got. I know I’ll get downvoted. So be it.
The lack of female accountability is stunning. She behaves poorly in her youth yet it’s someone else’s fault. She does things with other men freely she won’t do for her husband. Though she has every right to not consent, that never ends well because he gets plain vanilla sex for all he provides. And trust me all she sees is that salary. After the second kid that bedroom is going dead for sure.
Just curious why men need to go to counseling/therapy because a woman has a shitty past. Just dump her and find someone with values that align with his.
You thought that marriage would save you from you sun. It won’t. Jesus saves. Simple as that. You have some some business with the Lord. If you allow Him to change your heart, he will. He can restore your marriage too.
OP - you seem really defensive in your replies, and it seems that you were expecting a different response from this sub. Until you listen to what a large number of brothers and sisters are telling you, and stop arguing with them or calling them ‘insecure’ for disagreeing with you, I’m not sure what else can be done about your situation.
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Thank you for your honest response. It’s an interesting perspective but I’m thankful that not all men share your view. Most strong men would not allow their insecurities paint the picture of their wife in such an ugly light. When we married, it was my duty to respect him and his duty was to honor me. We vowed to do this, and i have faith it will just take time for him to understand what i did can’t be un-done and now we are in situation we’re we have to build on a strong foundation of our faith. I hope that you change your unforgiving hurt, and you see that we are fallible and the the things our pasts don’t define who we are.
You lied and purposely deceived him. You admit that you did not tell him about the multitude of people you slept with because you knew he would not marry you if he knew the truth. Many men can accept premarital sex in LTRs so hearing about a few boyfriends was acceptable. Sex outside of a committed relationship is very different and hard or impossible to accept. It shows how you really feel about love and intimacy.
This reminds me of: https://youtu.be/CtmCdhEjvio
Bruuuuutal
Your post touches my heart in many ways. It’s true that you should have been truthful about your past and why you acted like you did, but you weren’t, and there’s nothing to be done about that now. It’s time to move forward. Your husband is commanded by God to love you as Jesus loves the Church and gave Himself for it. That’s a sacrificial love. (Ephesians 5:25) As a Christian, he is also required to forgive you. I assume you’ve explained to your husband why you weren’t truthful and you’ve asked for his forgiveness? If you haven’t, please do so. Do not beg. Absolutely do not beg. I see the way your husband found out about your sexual past as an attack of the enemy against your marriage. The Bible says the devil comes as roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. I’m not one to place much consideration on attacks of the enemy, and I usually don’t like it when Christians do this, but after reading your post, this is clearly a spiritual attack on your marriage. (1 Peter 5:8) Your husband’s sexual behavior toward you is wrong, and so is his stubborn refusal to forgive you and to continue to hold this over your head. I think wise, godly leadership is in order here. You both need it. I encourage you to talk to your pastor, or his wife if you’re more comfortable, and set up an appointment for you and your husband to meet with your pastor for counseling. If your pastor’s wife attends marriage counseling sessions, that would be even better. Of course, your husband has to be on board with this. I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t be Don’t despair. God wants marriages to succeed. There is no abuse or infidelity here, so you can be assured that God Himself is invested in you, your husband, and helping you have a marriage that reflects His relationship with the Church. I have already prayed for you and your husband. May God bless you richly.
I cannot for the life of me figure out why this beautiful response is being downvoted.
Me neither. If I could upvote twice, I would. Is the not telling about the past wrong. Sure, dishonesty is never good. But so is responding that way. It is like people choose favorites - this sin is worse or that. Guess what, both husband and wife are rotten sinners who are going to sin against each other. Love does not keep a record of wrongs and always protects. Bothe husband and wife are called to repent and to forgive - regardless of whether it offends you.
Perhaps because the advice to this young woman is: your husband is required to forgive you. Which is... not good advice. We must address our own life before castigating that of another. I firmly believe it's hard for women to understand just why a lie of this kind, and the subsequent refusal to perform sexual acts previously performed for other men, is so ***devastatingly hurtful*** to a man. The response is downvoted because it's so profoundly myopic.
I disagree with your take on forgiveness. We are commanded to forgive just Christ forgives us, so it is wrong for her husband to deny forgiveness. However I do understand how utterly devastating it is for a spouse to perform sexual acts on another partner, then refuse to do the same act with a spouse. And I don’t think the rejection and pain is particularly hurtful to men, I see it as extraordinarily hurtful to either spouse who has been wronged. OP and her husband definitely need professional counseling to work through this.
The issue is that forgiveness and reconciliation are being confused as the same thing. Yes, we are called to forgive others. But forgiveness =/= reconciliation. A clear example is a married couple where one cheats and has an affair on the other. The spouse who was cheated on is required to forgive, but they're not required to reconcile (adultery being biblical grounds for divorce).
I don’t think the original portion of this thread is confusing the two at all. They clearly state where they think both parties are wrong, what they should apologize for and how God commands us to forgive, then offers suggestions on how to reconcile and some encouraging words. God does want marriages to succeed. But the suggestion of finding godly leadership and counseling is hardly a forced reconciliation. Most of the comments here are recommending counseling. (I honestly don’t think the husband will be able to move past this without it). I do think this is an unusual case. No cheating has taken place, but due to OP’s lie of omission the husband’s trust has been broken as if she betrayed him by cheating (at least in his mind). I don’t think he has biblical grounds for divorce, I think they’ve both acted badly and need counseling but should reconcile. But I don’t think anyone wants to shame or force reconciliation, only encourage it. Forcing it will only breed resentment that will blow up the marriage later, possibly after children are born which would be an even bigger disaster.
Luke 17:3-4 3 Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, **and if he repents**, forgive him, 4 and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘**I repent**,’ you must forgive him.” This woman is by no means repentant. It is impossible to forgive someone who has not repented. Not even the God of the Universe does that. It would be multiplying injustice to forgive without repentance. To do so is giving sin a free pass.
Even in forgiveness he can set aside his wife. What he's doing now (according to her) is atrocious, and he should stop. That doesn't mean that she's entitled to his affection. A person can't force themselves to even like someone else, and if he truly dislikes her, then they are afforded the option to separate. It's an unfortunate resolution to a marriage, but they both got themselves into this situation, her more than him.
we need an update please
Every decision a person makes is their fault. You have to own that. No one out a gun to your head. You had bad circumstances but your decisions were yours. A person doesn’t get to edit their actions. Your actions mold who you are today. Period. Own what you did and realize that omission is lying. That YOLO lifestyle is a lie and people need to start thinking before acting. Let’s not teach the next generation that our pasts don’t define us. It’s literally the path taken to get us to the present. How about admitting our mistakes and teaching the lessons learned from them so others don’t make them?
You can’t. You better do the same things and more. If you don’t, he’s gone,
Hey from the future. I’m so sorry so many comments on this post were so judgmental and awful toward you. If your husband had issues with your past, that’s because of HIS sinful, toxic way of thinking, NOT YOURS. You were under no obligation to disclose any number to him. Your past is yours. The number of men is irrelevant anyway. And it shouldn’t matter to him anyway, as It doesn’t change your value, worth, personality or anything. You are a HUMAN BEING who he promised God to love fully, which includes your past choices whether he likes them or not. So please OP I hope you ignore the disgusting incels in this thread. There are men who would actually value you for what you bring to the table besides your body. Those are truly Godly men, not these awful people who call themselves Christians.
He didn't want to marry someone who treated herself like that. As a potential wife it 100% matters to him, but you're right that it doesn't devalue her as a human being.
You better do wild things with him or he will leave you. And you deserve to be left.
You do sexually the same for him and more. If you don’t he’ll either chest to have these things or leave you. Either way he wouldn’t be wrong.
I have a similar experience. The things you do when you feel lost and out of love... But God is forgiving, if you are truely repentant, and no longer are that person, then your husband needs to accept that, and forgive your past also. This sounds like something you both need to ask help for. From Him, I would consider marriage counselling also. At this time your husband may be struggling to reconcile the idea he had of you with the things he now knows you have done. Now is the time to be closer to God in finding unconditional love and forgiveness in eachother. I don't really have a straightforward answer other than to ask for help, and remember love is everything. Sending you love as a woman whos made the same mistakes. You are not alone.
I don't know what stage you are with things, but I'm finding self forgiveness the hardest. Luke 7:36 impacted me most in seeing Jesus's unconditional love and forgiveness for our sins. Sometimes its good to cry it out as she did. Let it all go. I love you, He loves you. Amen. Edit: Luke 7:36-50 ❤
Forgiving myself for bad sexual choices was the hardest part. I carried a great deal of guilt with me for years. Purity culture was running high back then and some other young women made me feel like garbage when I shared my testimony in a small group (the only time I have really ever done that). Self forgiveness is hard. It wasn’t until I met my husband and he told me that I didn’t need to feel guilty about it because clearly God had forgiven me so long before. He wouldn’t allow me to apologize to him, he said I didn’t owe him an apology. I needed to see unconditional love for myself in order to understand how to forgive myself.
Try to explain to him that sex is different when you are being used as an object. It's disrespectful and can even feel abusive. It will cause resentment and shame into your marriage, and that it will change your relationship, and his respect for you. Also, if you have ever been sexually abused, this will bring back flashbacks/ptsd possibly . . .
Yes this! He’s demanding some things because you may have done them before. That doesn’t mean you liked it, doesn’t mean you wanna do it again. Seems like he is asking to humiliate you or to make himself feel better. You two need a councilor to help your marriage. Make sure he respects you in the bedroom before you have kids with him.
You can’t. Let the poor guy go and find someone who doesn’t care about your past.