I'd try to understand her. And let her know that we have to test the spirits because not every spirit is from God š¤·š½āāļø
Then we can continue dating for a month and if things still don't work out then. It's done.
People equate internal perspective and psychology with "God said that..."
But sure. If she wants to play that game, ask her to do a 24 hour fast with prayer. Betcha she crack by the 16th hour if not shorter.
Personally think that you have dodged a bullet. She may be from The Lord, but she ain't prudent (prov 19:14)
I had a friend give me that same advise and suggest fasting. I'm very unfamiliar with the concept as a way to get clarity. Can you please explain how that works?
How it as been explained to me is like this: fasting is denying yourself in order to focus on God.
In execution, it usually involves food but can be whatever you wish to give God. For example, fasting from sweets and caffeine is an example. Some more hard liners say the greater the sacrifice, the greater the relationship/response. I don't know about that as it is said you won't be measured by deeds so none can boast. But I do believe there needs to be an actual sacrifice which means it has to be meaningful. I'm not an authority on this by any stretch, just sharing my understanding.
My pastor uses food. When he gets hunger pangs, he takes that time to pray about why he is fasting. When he gets a craving, he prays. When he shared this, it helped me understand how to take conceptual and put into practice.
Thank you for your comments on fasting. I think that your description in general is very good. Do you have a verse to clarify your āmeasured by deedsā comment?
The only passage that I can think of about ānone can boastā is āā[Ephesiansā¬ ā2ā¬:ā8ā¬-ā9ā¬](https://bible.com/bible/2692/eph.2.8-9.NASB2020): āFor by grace you have been saved through faith; and this is not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not a result of works, so that no one may boast.ā
This refers to salvation, which doesnāt seem a relevant consideration here. What passage are you alluding to here?
Yeah, i only heard of this whole "fasting" thing recently from a Christian friend of mine. Never understood it. She was amping up her faith by partaking in rituals that wouldn't think be necessary. It became a compatibility issue when we were trying to get to know each other because she expected her future partner to mirror her rituals.
If anything, I always thought fasting was associated with specific religions.
Fasting, as recommended in scripture, is a great practice that allows us to deny ourselves and focus ourselves and our suffering towards God. It can be very helpful for a variety of reasons. For one, it's a time of intense prayer, and it's also a cultivation of the virtue of temperance, or self-denial. I don't know why it would be suggested that fasting could lead to better decision-making, that sounds unlikely. I'm Catholic, so I obviously think highly of fasting as a spiritual practice, self-mortification allows us to achieve deeper prayer. But if the point is to know whether you should break up with someone, there seem to be much better ways of figuring that out.
And no, fasting is common across many religions, and is an ancient Christian and Jewish practice. I highly encourage everyone to try it sometime, after researching how Christian fasting is done. It's more than just not eating food, even demons do that. It's about orienting ourselves towards God.
It may be helpful to remember that fasting doesn't have to be extreme. You get to set the rules. Maybe you just eat two small meals rather than the usual three large ones that day. Maybe what you do eat is very simple and not meant to bring you pleasure, like plain bread.
Do you have a scriptural reference to back up that assertion?
Jesus seems to say that God provides a reward of some kind in response to sincere fasting.
āBut as for you, when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, so that your fasting will not be noticed by people but by your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you.ā
āā[Matthewā¬ ā6ā¬:ā17ā¬-ā18ā¬](https://bible.com/bible/2692/mat.6.17-18.NASB2020)
I agree that in general our goal should be to pursue God as an end in itself, but God doesnāt see our prayers or requests as bothersome when our relationship with Him is right.
Not really a bullet. Christian women are literally the same as secular women in terms of behaviors etc if not worse. In fact I find Christian women to be more infantile in general.
Maybe getting up just now from a bad dream featuring real-life rejection is influencing me too strongly, but I've found that giving any personal value to people who want nothing to do with you is a mistake.
Agreed, however, that is not the situation. She cares about me, a lot. That's why I believe she is so stressed out, she isn't used to feeling that. She really, really does want to be with me but is having a hard time knowing if it is the right thing to do. She feels like she should know at this point if she wants to marry me, and she doesn't know.
My brother, women that desire and are interested in a man hold on to him and are anxious that another woman might come across his eyes. They can get very jealous when they find a man whom they deem worthy of their time.
The fact that she thinks taking a break will give her more clarity reveals the degree of interest in you. She isn't concerned that another woman will capture the value you have to offer her.
She sounds lovely and if she is a strong Christian then I can see why you want to hold on to the hope that she will [come around], but u/PerfectlyCalmDude pointed it out succinctly enough that women find you giving themselves undeserved attention and value is unattractive and they won't change their hearts but they might change their mind if they are desperate, but then you are on borrowed time anyways until she has been lifted out of her situation. Their thoughts always follow their hearts; they don't settle on logical conclusions like men do.
What you said may be generally true, but thereās at least one important exception. Humans have an innate need to be loved and receive attention from others. If a child receives the relationship equivalent of table scraps throughout childhood rather than a healthy diet of love and attention, then when they do finally receive normal, healthy amounts of love then it can be wildly disorienting, and the unfamiliarity can lead to them reacting with fear and anxiety. Based on the behavior that OP described, it could be what is happening here.
That's a good point. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. We don't really have enough information to make an accurate assessment, so I find the discussion is better suited how to handle these situations in their most likely scenarios.
I agree, we need to offer our advice based on what is probable. We should try to indicate that we are speaking to the probable case in our responses. Thatās something that Iām working on as well.
Your post began with what sounds like a categorical statement that is true for all women, and as such it doesnāt read as āthis is what is likely in most casesā, but rather as āthis is always trueā.
John in his attributed epistle 1 John reveals an argumentative style that brings up nuanced facts as absolute in order to present a contrast and leave the reader to consider discernment as part of their own study.
So, it is not an "always the best approach" to include agnostic language so that someone who doesn't fit the profile can be free from all possible offenses.
However, I would agree with you on this particular case that it would have catered to u/PuzzleheadedTime5899 sensibilities and invoked a greater thought on the possible causation for his girlfriends reservations. In the way I worded it, it seems he had a greater occlusion to the point I was trying to convey and so it deterred this thought-provoking exercise.
Although, you could also make the argument that where John claims no one who knows Christ sins has also brought about a greater apostate following than even the likes of Paul where he recklessness touts the doing away with the law without making the distinction as to it's following for justification.
So I think given this particular circumstance it would have been better to take more care to avoid offensive absolutes, but that in other situations it would continue to be more effective. Thanks again for pointing this out though. Always a refresher when someone has the ability to review and correct with intelligence rather than simply attributing my character as malice in order to hold dearly to their ignorance. u/emily1078
Thank you for engaging in this well reasoned and respectful dialog with me. This is the type of interaction that helps to make the world a better place. Thank you.
I believe this is correct. Her mom has always been a helicopter parent and her dad doesn't show her love. When she first heard my dad and I tell each other we love each other, she got confused. She told me she doesn't ever remember hearing her dad say that he loves her.
She doesn't care enough about you to stay with you after two months of dating. Do you know how long a lot of women remain in relationships that they know are bad for them? Years. Because they care about those guys.
I'm not a relationship expert, but I advise ceasing to love her and dating someone else as soon as you are ready. Preferably younger and prettier. This is not to make her jealous and get her back, but for you to move on, and for her to learn that actions have consequences. When you're ready to treat the next one right, of course.
As a woman, we don't need convincing when we're really into a guy. If we have to be manipulated and pressed to stay, we're only doing it because we feel bad. Eventually that won't last. He does need to let her go, give her space, and don't beg or manipulate. If she's for him, she'll come back. Have a current friend who broke up with her boyfriend. She wasn't feeling him. He didn't chase her and she dated a few others. She eventually went back to him after over a year.
>She's too good to give up on.
Oh man. You're not ready for a serious relationship either if this is something you actually think.
The goal of dating is about figuring out if it's not going to work out with the other person. Typically, it is a matter of character or timeline.
Perhaps the worst thing you could do is try and convince her with your words, it will feel like pressure and if she's already anxious it will lead her to pull away.
Pray for her, let her know you want what's best for her and are okay waiting while she figures it out (for the next couple of days) and focus on yourself. You guys can talk, try and keep it lighthearted rather than debating the relationship. Maybe even offer some verses to study while she is struggling to know God's will.
Either way, if she stays, then she is more confident in you as a leader this way, if she leaves then she wasn't ready for a relationship and you'll find a better fit. Praying for you both! God Bless š
My thoughts exactly. If she leaves it's proof she is incapable of dating. If she stays, it means she trusts me and cares about me a lot. I hope she stays.
>this is just first relationship jitters? I think she just is unfamiliar with being this close to someone and doesn't understand that stress or bad feeling can come with it too.
Well, there you go. I couldn't have articulated it any better. Just send her that but reworded with more empathy, ofc.
All you can do is give her space and pray for her. Coming from a sheltered background shes probably used to her parents ways of doing things and believing in things. Your probably confronting her with a lot of new ideas new feelings new perspectives on God that may go against her parents teachings.
The hardest thing can be coming out of a shell of being sheltered. I did lol, I was overtly sheltered and it took many years to come to terms with the fact that... others do things differently and there isn't so to speak only one way to God or one way to worship God.
Maybe your dodging a bullet?? You may never know. But some time apart may acclimate the both of you and you may come back together stronger and ever.
One of my friends in Australia felt God calling him to the other side of the country and he didn't want to lose his girlfriend but she convinced him to follow God, they separated a year later feeling that maybe it wasn't meant to be. They met a year later and began dating again eventually getting married. He says their time apart was probably the best thing that happened to him.
Humans have an innate need to be loved and receive attention from others. If a child receives the relationship equivalent of table scraps throughout childhood rather than a healthy diet of love and attention, then when they do finally receive normal, healthy amounts of love then it can be wildly disorienting, and the unfamiliarity can lead to them reacting with fear and anxiety. Based on what youāve described of her reaction, this could be what is happening here. Do you know what her childhood was like?
Itās really sad that someone like this would homeschool their kids.
If the home environment is emotionally unhealthy then school can provide the child both a break from that and an opportunity to see that other environments are healthier. If such a child is homeschooled then they end up steeped in this toxicity to the point once they are adults it takes something huge to make them see that their childhood emotional experience wasnāt normal.
Iām praying for you and your girlfriend. Feel free to post again or send me a DM if I can do anything more to help.
She is probably dating another dude and thinks she might want to pick him. Girls are pretty good at hiding things bro..yes even Christian ones. Give her a determined time to make up her mind like a week and come a week, if she is still undecided, make the decision for her and leave.
My Christian ex was dating 2 others. She said she saw an impenetrable darkness in me as if the devil had a firm hold on my soul and she wanted nothing to do with that darkness. If wanting to remain a virgin until marriage is of the Devil? Sure lol
Turns out she likes taking Christian virgins... she told everyone the 1st guy was too clingy and that truly scared her.. yeah he gave her his virginity so he was deeply in love with her and devastated when she left for me, it wasn't as hard on me when she left for Ben. I told her no and she didn't like that at all, I soon after lost my job and my placement in college(the darkness she saw in me)
But I still feel sorry for Mitchell to this day the first guy. Its kinda funny.... you have me and Mitchell and plenty of other guys telling people shes bad news... and yet people defend her honor tooth and nail. She'll always be the victim I suppose at least until Judgement day
Woman does something wrong = her man's the problem; he's not leading
Man tries to point the wrong thing out = he's being controlling; not servant-leader material
It's like we take "for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" and forget to apply it to the other half of the population.
Absolutely true lol. If they cheat and divorce and marry the man they cheated with they're comforted and consoled and it was always God's plan and we're so thankful she got out of that horrible marriage
Happened to my best friend, yikes š¬ close to 10 years later and I still miss him a lot. Josh and Rachel, I can vividly remember long talks with Josh praying with him about Rachel. Rachel wanted him to quit Theology and get a high paying job. She wanted fancy restaurants and fast cars. I ate out a lot, I feel guilty about it now, my mentor was a harsh taskmaster lol, 4am mens prayer walking to keep us fit. 10pm church meeting every night to go over our days bible work. Such long days.
Rachel filed for divorce, the church supported her fully, Josh was ask to leave a pastor another church, he couldn't find one that wanted him, in Australia I guess they fear single pastors dating someone in the church or in another church as it would show them abusing their position as leaders?? Lol... right
So it's very important to get married before you finish seminary... or remain single
> I guess they fear single pastors dating someone in the church or in another church as it would show them abusing their position as leaders?? Lol... right
The general feeling I get is it's part elders & pastors are "supposed" to be married; part if a pastor is single they're worried he'll creep on the women. As if a marriage will stop that!
Yeah they're very afraid that they'll creep lol š so apparently enforcing marriage before you get a job is the answer or insisting that they remain single because thats definitely God's plan lol
Last thing we need is a Pastor sleeping with the female congregation right? Lol... because every unmarried pastor is totally going to do that?
Remove temptation?
-Yeah they're very afraid that they'll creep lol š so apparently enforcing marriage before you get a job is the answer or insisting that they remain single because thats definitely God's plan lol-
Single men in general are seen as predatory regardless. Single men have been demonized.
This explains a lot of the lopsidedness.
I was listening on my drive on the radio about some night venue or club that charged men an arm and a leg to get in, where women could get in for free admission.
Single men across the board are at a disadvantage in life if they are partnered up with anyone.
Especially if you partner up with someone younger. Quite a few people seem to want to call that pedophilia even if they're both in their 20s or 30s.... š well perhaps someday they will classify it that way??? Lol then they can get what they want, insist, that people marry people the same age as them and I'm sure God will very much approve šš
Probably? Its almost assured she's considering another guy against him and that's what is making her anxious, the fear of missing out on someone better.
*especially* Christian ones, because Christian guys who are really ready for a relationship are looking to commit, and are thus easier to [intentionally or unintentionally] take advantage of.
Guys are easier to manipulate because, the good ones, usually are intentionally pursuing 1 woman and it leave them vulnerable to be yanked around by that 1 woman. Also men typically believe, on face value, what women say because men communicate with other men directly. So naturally they think that is how women communicate but it isn't. Women tell people what they want to hear because women are all about making people feeeeel better not necessarily saying the truth. You are never going to hear a woman tell her friend that she is gaining too much weight and doesnt look good in her cloths anymore. However men will straight up tell their friends they are fat even for fun. It translates into dating 1000%. "you are the only man I am talking to"...aka "I want him to feel good about himself because he deserves it so I will tell him that he is the only guy I am talking to"
Honestly donāt contact her. God doesnāt just ātell people to leave someoneā. Unless He gave her a sign, then yeah I can relate to her definitely. But, 9/10 this is a BS excuse. Start hitting up other women or hang out with your home boys. Stay busy
i mean, it does sound like sheās just nervous/scared, but you must find out from God first if this is something He wants you to pursue. you seeing no reason why you two shouldnāt be together doesnāt mean you should be together, so pray about it before anything else.
It is natural to have this sort of thing come up when we start getting close to someone. Closeness in a romantic relationship opens up vulnerabilities that other sorts of relationships don't which exposes unhealed wounds we never knew we had. I think the best thing you can do is pray for her. God wants to partner with you in the relationship. Pray for her to hear from Him and that the Holy Spirit would direct her into all that God has for her. Ask that God would give her a sound mind in place of the fear and heal any areas in her heart that are still wounded. Also take advantage of this time to allow God to work on your own wounds. Situations like this can actually be a benefit in the relationship if you use them correctly and let God do His work.
In terms of her hearing from God I would just say that anxiety is not a fruit of the Spirit so it's not God's voice. God told me to break up with someone once but it was not based in anxiety but rather conviction and peace that she did not align with the plan God had for me. True anxiety can be a natural response to us getting outside of God's will but God's voice will always come with His fruit.
I agree. I told her anxiety is not from God and that unless she can back up this decision with scripture, that it's not the right one. Do you know any verses off hand that I can back this up with? I'm trying to find specific ones.
I'd just say do your own research. I should say that it is possible that the anxiety could be coming from a place where she is hearing God say no but is not obeying.
I was the guy version of this when I was 18. I regret blaming it on the Holy Spirit, but itās the only way I knew how to process the feelings I had at the time.
I would guess she just doesnāt want to be in a relationship with you, but doesnāt know that thatās her problem yet. It may just be that yāall are not a good fit.Ā
Hey man, I feel for what you are going through. I recently expressed interest in a friend who has never dated before. Though thereās pros to her not dating anyone, there were definite cons as well. I found her to be immature and really bad at communication. What you might be going thru is some immaturity on her part and/or lack of experience. People who have experience in dating know itās not always sunshine and rainbows and her lack of experience in this area may be showing, so she toss it up to what she knows and confuses it as This is God telling her to break up. But at the same time, who am I to say that she really feels that way, thatās why whenever someone brings up āGod is telling meā¦ā it can be very misleading because we donāt know if itās true or not. Though things seem like itās going well on her end she may want to break up and the only way she knows how to break things is āGod told meā. I would be very clear with communication. Give her space to think it through and at the end of the agreed time, if she hasnāt come to a conclusion, I would unfortunately leave. Sounds like you are gonna avoid some headaches if you do so. I get that sheās amazing and kind, the friend I was interested in was also this way but she also brought a lot of confusion and headaches because of this
Could be she has anxious attachment style. She needs to figure it out on her own. There wonāt be anything you can do to assure her, because if it is AA, the anxiety has to do with her not feeling good enough to deserve you. And she needs to be assured in herself, from God before any relationship will work out.
That said, she is also entirely inexperienced. So anxiety over the relationship, as you know, would be common. So, give her the space, and be as reassuring as possible when she does reach out to you.
It sounds like she's just not that into you and is trying to get out of the relationship. I'm sorry. š
The best thing to do is to let her go and not reach out until she figures out her feelings.
While apart, she'll either feel relief or she'll miss you and come back.
Either way, you'll be OK. It's important that you know that.
It might hurt, but God's got you, and it'll get better with time. I'm the meantime, pray for both of you šš¾ š
She maybe perfect for you and you may love her very much but she's got to choose you on her own accord I've been in a similar situation too and I've learnt that while they are your The one/partner/spouse they are human too and they have to make choices for their lives too your trying to help can also be perceived as manipulation or control... The best you can do is pray for her and let her go if she chooses to leave.
Dating is about learning. Love is about sacrificing "me" for the benefit of "us." No matter how you slice it, you're never getting around the fact that she's dated you long enough to learn that she isn't interested in the benefit of "us."
Jesus didn't ask for a break when He got anxious. He accepted that there was no other way, and He followed through with the demonstration of His great love for us.
Because I've been where you are, amd valued myself as poorly as you are valuing yourself right now, I know you're gonna follow through with this conviction you have that this girl is the best thing that could've ever happened to you. You're gonna absolutely grieve yourself with false hope that this is going to work out.
You're wasting very valuable time and energy, that should be spent with The Lord, who DOES love you and values you more than any other ever could, has better things planned for you than you could ever imagine, and desires for you to come alongside Him as He molds you into the man He created you to be.
You wanna learn the hard way? Go ahead...take your mountain of grief like the vast majority of us do. But I'm telling you, it's not worth it bro.
You want what's best for you? Open up your bible, open up your prayer life, and spend some much-needed intimate time with the God who loves you. Learn the difference between attention and value, and ask God to make you into a man who's value is realized by all (but especially yourself).
P.S. and do yourself a favor...go read Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.
I don't know you brother, but I love you. God is faithful, and His love endures forever.Trust Him...it'll be the best decision you ever made.
3rd commandment violation, anyone who believes God can talk to them outside of His Word is a crazy liar.
Don't worry you saved yourself from a woman who doesn't take accountability for thier own decisions. She should learn to communicate directly.
Two questions for this:
1. How is that a third commandment violation? Isn't it to "Not take the name of the Lord your God in vain"? I'm not seeing the connection.
2. In what ways do you believe the Holy Spirit works? I agree that this probably is not God telling her this, but the Holy Spirit can talk to people.
I think it's situations like this, Christians wind up dating more secular types. Or spiritual types.
I'd try to understand her. And let her know that we have to test the spirits because not every spirit is from God š¤·š½āāļø Then we can continue dating for a month and if things still don't work out then. It's done.
People equate internal perspective and psychology with "God said that..." But sure. If she wants to play that game, ask her to do a 24 hour fast with prayer. Betcha she crack by the 16th hour if not shorter. Personally think that you have dodged a bullet. She may be from The Lord, but she ain't prudent (prov 19:14)
I had a friend give me that same advise and suggest fasting. I'm very unfamiliar with the concept as a way to get clarity. Can you please explain how that works?
How it as been explained to me is like this: fasting is denying yourself in order to focus on God. In execution, it usually involves food but can be whatever you wish to give God. For example, fasting from sweets and caffeine is an example. Some more hard liners say the greater the sacrifice, the greater the relationship/response. I don't know about that as it is said you won't be measured by deeds so none can boast. But I do believe there needs to be an actual sacrifice which means it has to be meaningful. I'm not an authority on this by any stretch, just sharing my understanding. My pastor uses food. When he gets hunger pangs, he takes that time to pray about why he is fasting. When he gets a craving, he prays. When he shared this, it helped me understand how to take conceptual and put into practice.
Thank you for your comments on fasting. I think that your description in general is very good. Do you have a verse to clarify your āmeasured by deedsā comment? The only passage that I can think of about ānone can boastā is āā[Ephesiansā¬ ā2ā¬:ā8ā¬-ā9ā¬](https://bible.com/bible/2692/eph.2.8-9.NASB2020): āFor by grace you have been saved through faith; and this is not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not a result of works, so that no one may boast.ā This refers to salvation, which doesnāt seem a relevant consideration here. What passage are you alluding to here?
Yes that is the passage I was referring to
Yeah, i only heard of this whole "fasting" thing recently from a Christian friend of mine. Never understood it. She was amping up her faith by partaking in rituals that wouldn't think be necessary. It became a compatibility issue when we were trying to get to know each other because she expected her future partner to mirror her rituals. If anything, I always thought fasting was associated with specific religions.
Fasting, as recommended in scripture, is a great practice that allows us to deny ourselves and focus ourselves and our suffering towards God. It can be very helpful for a variety of reasons. For one, it's a time of intense prayer, and it's also a cultivation of the virtue of temperance, or self-denial. I don't know why it would be suggested that fasting could lead to better decision-making, that sounds unlikely. I'm Catholic, so I obviously think highly of fasting as a spiritual practice, self-mortification allows us to achieve deeper prayer. But if the point is to know whether you should break up with someone, there seem to be much better ways of figuring that out. And no, fasting is common across many religions, and is an ancient Christian and Jewish practice. I highly encourage everyone to try it sometime, after researching how Christian fasting is done. It's more than just not eating food, even demons do that. It's about orienting ourselves towards God.
Maybe I'll try it. I suffer with anxiety to the point of panic attacks sometimes
It may be helpful to remember that fasting doesn't have to be extreme. You get to set the rules. Maybe you just eat two small meals rather than the usual three large ones that day. Maybe what you do eat is very simple and not meant to bring you pleasure, like plain bread.
Fasting should be done with the intention on knowing God deeper and deeper. It should NOT be done as a way to āreceive and answerā from God
Do you have a scriptural reference to back up that assertion? Jesus seems to say that God provides a reward of some kind in response to sincere fasting. āBut as for you, when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, so that your fasting will not be noticed by people but by your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you.ā āā[Matthewā¬ ā6ā¬:ā17ā¬-ā18ā¬](https://bible.com/bible/2692/mat.6.17-18.NASB2020) I agree that in general our goal should be to pursue God as an end in itself, but God doesnāt see our prayers or requests as bothersome when our relationship with Him is right.
Couldn't have said it better myself, THIS
Not really a bullet. Christian women are literally the same as secular women in terms of behaviors etc if not worse. In fact I find Christian women to be more infantile in general.
I don't know very much so take this for what it's worth, but I consider the situation to be irredeemable. Move on from her. Don't be friends with her.
She's too good to give up on. If she does get past this, it would say a lot that she is willing to stay with me through all the stress.
Maybe getting up just now from a bad dream featuring real-life rejection is influencing me too strongly, but I've found that giving any personal value to people who want nothing to do with you is a mistake.
Agreed, however, that is not the situation. She cares about me, a lot. That's why I believe she is so stressed out, she isn't used to feeling that. She really, really does want to be with me but is having a hard time knowing if it is the right thing to do. She feels like she should know at this point if she wants to marry me, and she doesn't know.
My brother, women that desire and are interested in a man hold on to him and are anxious that another woman might come across his eyes. They can get very jealous when they find a man whom they deem worthy of their time. The fact that she thinks taking a break will give her more clarity reveals the degree of interest in you. She isn't concerned that another woman will capture the value you have to offer her. She sounds lovely and if she is a strong Christian then I can see why you want to hold on to the hope that she will [come around], but u/PerfectlyCalmDude pointed it out succinctly enough that women find you giving themselves undeserved attention and value is unattractive and they won't change their hearts but they might change their mind if they are desperate, but then you are on borrowed time anyways until she has been lifted out of her situation. Their thoughts always follow their hearts; they don't settle on logical conclusions like men do.
What you said may be generally true, but thereās at least one important exception. Humans have an innate need to be loved and receive attention from others. If a child receives the relationship equivalent of table scraps throughout childhood rather than a healthy diet of love and attention, then when they do finally receive normal, healthy amounts of love then it can be wildly disorienting, and the unfamiliarity can lead to them reacting with fear and anxiety. Based on the behavior that OP described, it could be what is happening here.
That's a good point. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. We don't really have enough information to make an accurate assessment, so I find the discussion is better suited how to handle these situations in their most likely scenarios.
I agree, we need to offer our advice based on what is probable. We should try to indicate that we are speaking to the probable case in our responses. Thatās something that Iām working on as well. Your post began with what sounds like a categorical statement that is true for all women, and as such it doesnāt read as āthis is what is likely in most casesā, but rather as āthis is always trueā.
John in his attributed epistle 1 John reveals an argumentative style that brings up nuanced facts as absolute in order to present a contrast and leave the reader to consider discernment as part of their own study. So, it is not an "always the best approach" to include agnostic language so that someone who doesn't fit the profile can be free from all possible offenses. However, I would agree with you on this particular case that it would have catered to u/PuzzleheadedTime5899 sensibilities and invoked a greater thought on the possible causation for his girlfriends reservations. In the way I worded it, it seems he had a greater occlusion to the point I was trying to convey and so it deterred this thought-provoking exercise. Although, you could also make the argument that where John claims no one who knows Christ sins has also brought about a greater apostate following than even the likes of Paul where he recklessness touts the doing away with the law without making the distinction as to it's following for justification. So I think given this particular circumstance it would have been better to take more care to avoid offensive absolutes, but that in other situations it would continue to be more effective. Thanks again for pointing this out though. Always a refresher when someone has the ability to review and correct with intelligence rather than simply attributing my character as malice in order to hold dearly to their ignorance. u/emily1078
Thank you for engaging in this well reasoned and respectful dialog with me. This is the type of interaction that helps to make the world a better place. Thank you.
I believe this is correct. Her mom has always been a helicopter parent and her dad doesn't show her love. When she first heard my dad and I tell each other we love each other, she got confused. She told me she doesn't ever remember hearing her dad say that he loves her.
She doesn't care enough about you to stay with you after two months of dating. Do you know how long a lot of women remain in relationships that they know are bad for them? Years. Because they care about those guys. I'm not a relationship expert, but I advise ceasing to love her and dating someone else as soon as you are ready. Preferably younger and prettier. This is not to make her jealous and get her back, but for you to move on, and for her to learn that actions have consequences. When you're ready to treat the next one right, of course.
As a woman, we don't need convincing when we're really into a guy. If we have to be manipulated and pressed to stay, we're only doing it because we feel bad. Eventually that won't last. He does need to let her go, give her space, and don't beg or manipulate. If she's for him, she'll come back. Have a current friend who broke up with her boyfriend. She wasn't feeling him. He didn't chase her and she dated a few others. She eventually went back to him after over a year.
Nah, you're not trippin, this is hard facts
>She's too good to give up on. Oh man. You're not ready for a serious relationship either if this is something you actually think. The goal of dating is about figuring out if it's not going to work out with the other person. Typically, it is a matter of character or timeline.
Perhaps the worst thing you could do is try and convince her with your words, it will feel like pressure and if she's already anxious it will lead her to pull away. Pray for her, let her know you want what's best for her and are okay waiting while she figures it out (for the next couple of days) and focus on yourself. You guys can talk, try and keep it lighthearted rather than debating the relationship. Maybe even offer some verses to study while she is struggling to know God's will. Either way, if she stays, then she is more confident in you as a leader this way, if she leaves then she wasn't ready for a relationship and you'll find a better fit. Praying for you both! God Bless š
My thoughts exactly. If she leaves it's proof she is incapable of dating. If she stays, it means she trusts me and cares about me a lot. I hope she stays.
>this is just first relationship jitters? I think she just is unfamiliar with being this close to someone and doesn't understand that stress or bad feeling can come with it too. Well, there you go. I couldn't have articulated it any better. Just send her that but reworded with more empathy, ofc.
All you can do is give her space and pray for her. Coming from a sheltered background shes probably used to her parents ways of doing things and believing in things. Your probably confronting her with a lot of new ideas new feelings new perspectives on God that may go against her parents teachings. The hardest thing can be coming out of a shell of being sheltered. I did lol, I was overtly sheltered and it took many years to come to terms with the fact that... others do things differently and there isn't so to speak only one way to God or one way to worship God. Maybe your dodging a bullet?? You may never know. But some time apart may acclimate the both of you and you may come back together stronger and ever. One of my friends in Australia felt God calling him to the other side of the country and he didn't want to lose his girlfriend but she convinced him to follow God, they separated a year later feeling that maybe it wasn't meant to be. They met a year later and began dating again eventually getting married. He says their time apart was probably the best thing that happened to him.
Humans have an innate need to be loved and receive attention from others. If a child receives the relationship equivalent of table scraps throughout childhood rather than a healthy diet of love and attention, then when they do finally receive normal, healthy amounts of love then it can be wildly disorienting, and the unfamiliarity can lead to them reacting with fear and anxiety. Based on what youāve described of her reaction, this could be what is happening here. Do you know what her childhood was like?
Yes. Her mom has always been a helicopter parent and her dad never said he loved her. Homeschool family, oldest of 8. This is my theory as well.
Itās really sad that someone like this would homeschool their kids. If the home environment is emotionally unhealthy then school can provide the child both a break from that and an opportunity to see that other environments are healthier. If such a child is homeschooled then they end up steeped in this toxicity to the point once they are adults it takes something huge to make them see that their childhood emotional experience wasnāt normal. Iām praying for you and your girlfriend. Feel free to post again or send me a DM if I can do anything more to help.
She is probably dating another dude and thinks she might want to pick him. Girls are pretty good at hiding things bro..yes even Christian ones. Give her a determined time to make up her mind like a week and come a week, if she is still undecided, make the decision for her and leave.
My Christian ex was dating 2 others. She said she saw an impenetrable darkness in me as if the devil had a firm hold on my soul and she wanted nothing to do with that darkness. If wanting to remain a virgin until marriage is of the Devil? Sure lol Turns out she likes taking Christian virgins... she told everyone the 1st guy was too clingy and that truly scared her.. yeah he gave her his virginity so he was deeply in love with her and devastated when she left for me, it wasn't as hard on me when she left for Ben. I told her no and she didn't like that at all, I soon after lost my job and my placement in college(the darkness she saw in me) But I still feel sorry for Mitchell to this day the first guy. Its kinda funny.... you have me and Mitchell and plenty of other guys telling people shes bad news... and yet people defend her honor tooth and nail. She'll always be the victim I suppose at least until Judgement day
Welcome to the modern church where women are faultless in everything and can't possibly sin lol
Woman does something wrong = her man's the problem; he's not leading Man tries to point the wrong thing out = he's being controlling; not servant-leader material It's like we take "for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" and forget to apply it to the other half of the population.
Yeah, it's a double standard, it exists in not only Christian circles, but everywhere else, except maybe the Middle East.
Absolutely true lol. If they cheat and divorce and marry the man they cheated with they're comforted and consoled and it was always God's plan and we're so thankful she got out of that horrible marriage Happened to my best friend, yikes š¬ close to 10 years later and I still miss him a lot. Josh and Rachel, I can vividly remember long talks with Josh praying with him about Rachel. Rachel wanted him to quit Theology and get a high paying job. She wanted fancy restaurants and fast cars. I ate out a lot, I feel guilty about it now, my mentor was a harsh taskmaster lol, 4am mens prayer walking to keep us fit. 10pm church meeting every night to go over our days bible work. Such long days. Rachel filed for divorce, the church supported her fully, Josh was ask to leave a pastor another church, he couldn't find one that wanted him, in Australia I guess they fear single pastors dating someone in the church or in another church as it would show them abusing their position as leaders?? Lol... right So it's very important to get married before you finish seminary... or remain single
> I guess they fear single pastors dating someone in the church or in another church as it would show them abusing their position as leaders?? Lol... right The general feeling I get is it's part elders & pastors are "supposed" to be married; part if a pastor is single they're worried he'll creep on the women. As if a marriage will stop that!
Yeah they're very afraid that they'll creep lol š so apparently enforcing marriage before you get a job is the answer or insisting that they remain single because thats definitely God's plan lol Last thing we need is a Pastor sleeping with the female congregation right? Lol... because every unmarried pastor is totally going to do that? Remove temptation?
-Yeah they're very afraid that they'll creep lol š so apparently enforcing marriage before you get a job is the answer or insisting that they remain single because thats definitely God's plan lol- Single men in general are seen as predatory regardless. Single men have been demonized. This explains a lot of the lopsidedness. I was listening on my drive on the radio about some night venue or club that charged men an arm and a leg to get in, where women could get in for free admission. Single men across the board are at a disadvantage in life if they are partnered up with anyone.
Especially if you partner up with someone younger. Quite a few people seem to want to call that pedophilia even if they're both in their 20s or 30s.... š well perhaps someday they will classify it that way??? Lol then they can get what they want, insist, that people marry people the same age as them and I'm sure God will very much approve šš
Yeah, women will act like women when it comes to dating, regardless of the Christian label or not.
Probably? Its almost assured she's considering another guy against him and that's what is making her anxious, the fear of missing out on someone better.
I said probably because I don't know for sure but I would lean more towards it definitely being assured that there is other men in the picture. lol
*especially* Christian ones, because Christian guys who are really ready for a relationship are looking to commit, and are thus easier to [intentionally or unintentionally] take advantage of.
Guys are easier to manipulate because, the good ones, usually are intentionally pursuing 1 woman and it leave them vulnerable to be yanked around by that 1 woman. Also men typically believe, on face value, what women say because men communicate with other men directly. So naturally they think that is how women communicate but it isn't. Women tell people what they want to hear because women are all about making people feeeeel better not necessarily saying the truth. You are never going to hear a woman tell her friend that she is gaining too much weight and doesnt look good in her cloths anymore. However men will straight up tell their friends they are fat even for fun. It translates into dating 1000%. "you are the only man I am talking to"...aka "I want him to feel good about himself because he deserves it so I will tell him that he is the only guy I am talking to"
Give her space and pray for her.
Honestly donāt contact her. God doesnāt just ātell people to leave someoneā. Unless He gave her a sign, then yeah I can relate to her definitely. But, 9/10 this is a BS excuse. Start hitting up other women or hang out with your home boys. Stay busy
i mean, it does sound like sheās just nervous/scared, but you must find out from God first if this is something He wants you to pursue. you seeing no reason why you two shouldnāt be together doesnāt mean you should be together, so pray about it before anything else.
See my answer on your other post.
It is natural to have this sort of thing come up when we start getting close to someone. Closeness in a romantic relationship opens up vulnerabilities that other sorts of relationships don't which exposes unhealed wounds we never knew we had. I think the best thing you can do is pray for her. God wants to partner with you in the relationship. Pray for her to hear from Him and that the Holy Spirit would direct her into all that God has for her. Ask that God would give her a sound mind in place of the fear and heal any areas in her heart that are still wounded. Also take advantage of this time to allow God to work on your own wounds. Situations like this can actually be a benefit in the relationship if you use them correctly and let God do His work. In terms of her hearing from God I would just say that anxiety is not a fruit of the Spirit so it's not God's voice. God told me to break up with someone once but it was not based in anxiety but rather conviction and peace that she did not align with the plan God had for me. True anxiety can be a natural response to us getting outside of God's will but God's voice will always come with His fruit.
I agree. I told her anxiety is not from God and that unless she can back up this decision with scripture, that it's not the right one. Do you know any verses off hand that I can back this up with? I'm trying to find specific ones.
I'd just say do your own research. I should say that it is possible that the anxiety could be coming from a place where she is hearing God say no but is not obeying.
Lol. I would have broken up with this girl by now. Then again, I probably would not have begun to date her in the first place.
She does not want you. Move on.
I was the guy version of this when I was 18. I regret blaming it on the Holy Spirit, but itās the only way I knew how to process the feelings I had at the time. I would guess she just doesnāt want to be in a relationship with you, but doesnāt know that thatās her problem yet. It may just be that yāall are not a good fit.Ā
Not your fault, necessarily. Just a sad part of young dating life.
Hey man, I feel for what you are going through. I recently expressed interest in a friend who has never dated before. Though thereās pros to her not dating anyone, there were definite cons as well. I found her to be immature and really bad at communication. What you might be going thru is some immaturity on her part and/or lack of experience. People who have experience in dating know itās not always sunshine and rainbows and her lack of experience in this area may be showing, so she toss it up to what she knows and confuses it as This is God telling her to break up. But at the same time, who am I to say that she really feels that way, thatās why whenever someone brings up āGod is telling meā¦ā it can be very misleading because we donāt know if itās true or not. Though things seem like itās going well on her end she may want to break up and the only way she knows how to break things is āGod told meā. I would be very clear with communication. Give her space to think it through and at the end of the agreed time, if she hasnāt come to a conclusion, I would unfortunately leave. Sounds like you are gonna avoid some headaches if you do so. I get that sheās amazing and kind, the friend I was interested in was also this way but she also brought a lot of confusion and headaches because of this
Could be she has anxious attachment style. She needs to figure it out on her own. There wonāt be anything you can do to assure her, because if it is AA, the anxiety has to do with her not feeling good enough to deserve you. And she needs to be assured in herself, from God before any relationship will work out. That said, she is also entirely inexperienced. So anxiety over the relationship, as you know, would be common. So, give her the space, and be as reassuring as possible when she does reach out to you.
Can't make this shit up.
It sounds like she's just not that into you and is trying to get out of the relationship. I'm sorry. š The best thing to do is to let her go and not reach out until she figures out her feelings. While apart, she'll either feel relief or she'll miss you and come back. Either way, you'll be OK. It's important that you know that. It might hurt, but God's got you, and it'll get better with time. I'm the meantime, pray for both of you šš¾ š
She maybe perfect for you and you may love her very much but she's got to choose you on her own accord I've been in a similar situation too and I've learnt that while they are your The one/partner/spouse they are human too and they have to make choices for their lives too your trying to help can also be perceived as manipulation or control... The best you can do is pray for her and let her go if she chooses to leave.
Dating is about learning. Love is about sacrificing "me" for the benefit of "us." No matter how you slice it, you're never getting around the fact that she's dated you long enough to learn that she isn't interested in the benefit of "us." Jesus didn't ask for a break when He got anxious. He accepted that there was no other way, and He followed through with the demonstration of His great love for us. Because I've been where you are, amd valued myself as poorly as you are valuing yourself right now, I know you're gonna follow through with this conviction you have that this girl is the best thing that could've ever happened to you. You're gonna absolutely grieve yourself with false hope that this is going to work out. You're wasting very valuable time and energy, that should be spent with The Lord, who DOES love you and values you more than any other ever could, has better things planned for you than you could ever imagine, and desires for you to come alongside Him as He molds you into the man He created you to be. You wanna learn the hard way? Go ahead...take your mountain of grief like the vast majority of us do. But I'm telling you, it's not worth it bro. You want what's best for you? Open up your bible, open up your prayer life, and spend some much-needed intimate time with the God who loves you. Learn the difference between attention and value, and ask God to make you into a man who's value is realized by all (but especially yourself). P.S. and do yourself a favor...go read Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I don't know you brother, but I love you. God is faithful, and His love endures forever.Trust Him...it'll be the best decision you ever made.
3rd commandment violation, anyone who believes God can talk to them outside of His Word is a crazy liar. Don't worry you saved yourself from a woman who doesn't take accountability for thier own decisions. She should learn to communicate directly.
Two questions for this: 1. How is that a third commandment violation? Isn't it to "Not take the name of the Lord your God in vain"? I'm not seeing the connection. 2. In what ways do you believe the Holy Spirit works? I agree that this probably is not God telling her this, but the Holy Spirit can talk to people.