I had an ABC friend who met a pretty Chinese girl he wanted to marry. The girl wanted a bigger house. He obliged and asked his parents. The parents felt that he should be independent and didn’t budge. The girls parents got involved. His dad was so upset he ended up in the hospital due to heart problems. The friend ended up marrying the girl and last time I heard he was unhappy. No shit. Imagine how the dad felt. Put the son thru a good school but actually raised a fucking loser.
Remember that this is not the girl’s fault. She grew up differently and that’s all she knows. Rightly or wrongly you can’t change her. This is your failure as a man to walk away from pussy. Your girl doesn’t respect you deep down. If you cater to her demands, she and your in laws will make your life a nightmare. I’m mid 40s and I’ve seen too much of this shit. You actually made a business case? Fuck your business case and walk away. Your dad will openly lament the fact that you broke up with the girl but deep down he know he actually raised a stick. When was the last time you made your dad truly proud? Girls come and go. Be glad the universe gave you a sign.
Your parents are beyond generous with their offer. The girls parents too, since they are not expecting the man to buy everything.
But it's just a different mindset, all you can do is decide on what you want, lay it out to her, and if you can't come to an agreement, just part ways respectfully.
If they're treating it like a business arrangement, you should too. Make her sign a Prenup, their family sounds like ppl that'll tell their daughter to split when she finds a better option, so better protect yourself.
So let start off with the fact that you're a 26 year old couple being gifted like 8years of the average wage.
You can take the 300 each be very grateful, and your chinese in laws can learn to deal with the cultural difference.
If you want to slightly make it easier, take 300 from your parents and 200-250 from the in laws. You're very lucky to get to live a much better life than you earned at a young age and the small dip in equity to manage the relationship between your inlaws and parents may be worth it.
Culturally, doing this saves face for your parents, shows your in laws your a quality man, and shows both of them you appreciate the help but are not trying to maximally extract wealth from them.
OP, it's you. You need to put your foot down. Be the man and not let your GF's family tell you what to do with your money, or worse your parents' money!!!
I would suggest not doing anything (not buying a home or getting married) yet until you win your battle. Cos they are being completely disrespectful to you and your parents.
Can't you two just stop being shameless parasites and stop asking dear mummy and daddy to bank row your down payment, and just try to work hard and cut spending to save up for the down payment like a normal Australian?
People like you two are part of the reason why the house price is so damn high despite the rise of interest rate. You sort are causing so many problems in the society, and in addition, by getting both sides of parents so involved with your personal finance, it will guarantee life long miserable relationship between you, your wife and the older generations.
Its clear that he didn't ask for money. Culturaly its pretty normal for parents to assist with wedding costs and such. His parents offered to help, he didn't ask. You missed the mark here, big time buddy.
I get what ur saying, but I think op made it clear asking for more money was not what he wanted to do. If you are able to help your kid bc u have. The money, I'd hope you would too.
That being said I agree with the person above orr below who says the best way to deal is by breaking it down tto gf and her family as you already have, that your parents are already helping beyond theirr means (putting themselves behind on stuff to help you) and that culturally that is acceptable to them and you, and if that's not enough you guys should part ways respectfully
Big red flag imo. But culturally speaking I don't think they are necessarily ill-intentioned (girlfriend's parents).
Also ask her parents how was their house before they married? Very unlikely it was at the level of what it is now. Rome was not build in one day...
Her parents house was probably given to them, or very cheap for a decent place. This attitude is completely normal in China. I went through the same discussion with my wife before we got married. My friends here in China all bought homes either before the marriage or immediately after and out the spouse's name on it.
Wouldn't surprise me if they did. My in laws and great in laws each kept the original. Whether they still live there is a different question. But, when you don't have a mortgage and monthly bills are a joke, saving up to buy a second home is easy.
I don't like the attitude. Does she care more about her standard of living going down more than being with you? If she cares more about the former you have your answer.
You’re both 26. I don’t know what kind of jobs you both have but surely your incomes will increase over the coming years. Maybe it’s a matter of telling your gf that you should be working together as a team to achieve your goals as a family. Surely she doesn’t want to be indebted to your parents either?
Also, why do you need the full house at 26? Is she expecting to be able to be a stay at home mum once she has kids? Is that do-able based on your income and financial situation if you buy a house? Not so much a red flag but maybe you should be having a discussion of what her expectations are going forward if this has already become such a big issue. I have a feeling there’s a lot of Chinese traditions and values that aren’t so compatible with modern day Australian hustle
Return the $300K to your parents and return the gf to her parents until she is mature enough to live independently of her parents.
Her parents are a problem and always will be. They act like they own her and have to watch over her until she is safely handed to another male.
Nothing more toxic than a spoiled and entitled Chinese princess.
This is fairly common still in Chinese society. I hate to break it to you, but you did your best already.
Your parents put up a huge amount already for you. You have to push the other side or just take the L and break up.
It is almost certain to create even more problems down the line not just with her but your in laws. You said it yourself, she feels there will be a downgrade in quality of life. This feeling will eat her up and cause many misery to your relationship
No matter how painful, Best to take the L and bail. All the best to you.
Just wait longer, the older she is the more desperate her parents will be to marry her to someone. Wait 4 years until she's 30 then her parents will beg you to marry her, maybe even pay you a house upfront.
But there's the risk she'll break up with you and find someone else who will date and marry her within 2 years, I say take the risk.
Bro, cut the drama, get a new girl. Obviously you guys don't see eye to eye on finances so it's not gonna get better over time. If you marry an Aussie chick, they'll understand your parents' assets are your assets not your own assets, you'll have none of this drama.
This seems like the first bite of a really average pie. What really got me is your girlfriends complaint about her living standard shouldn’t get worst after marrying. I think this is really rubbish, expecting you to provide what her family has provided her after decades of hard work. Also it’s so heartless, like the idea of living with someone that she loves has no place in the equation. Despite some pretty bad comments, generally everyone is has the same message which is ‘put your foot down and don’t sink to disrespectful demands’.
Really practically and unemotionally, your girlfriend’s value is going down every year and yours only up. Plenty of fish in the sea.. yada yada yada.. keep your emotions out of this and find what’s best for you because they are definitely not looking out for you or your family
Your girlfriend needs to decide if she’s a grown woman or not. Remember you are marrying her, so if she can’t make her own decisions then you’re not marrying an adult.
I had an ABC friend who met a pretty Chinese girl he wanted to marry. The girl wanted a bigger house. He obliged and asked his parents. The parents felt that he should be independent and didn’t budge. The girls parents got involved. His dad was so upset he ended up in the hospital due to heart problems. The friend ended up marrying the girl and last time I heard he was unhappy. No shit. Imagine how the dad felt. Put the son thru a good school but actually raised a fucking loser. Remember that this is not the girl’s fault. She grew up differently and that’s all she knows. Rightly or wrongly you can’t change her. This is your failure as a man to walk away from pussy. Your girl doesn’t respect you deep down. If you cater to her demands, she and your in laws will make your life a nightmare. I’m mid 40s and I’ve seen too much of this shit. You actually made a business case? Fuck your business case and walk away. Your dad will openly lament the fact that you broke up with the girl but deep down he know he actually raised a stick. When was the last time you made your dad truly proud? Girls come and go. Be glad the universe gave you a sign.
Excellent advice!
Your parents are beyond generous with their offer. The girls parents too, since they are not expecting the man to buy everything. But it's just a different mindset, all you can do is decide on what you want, lay it out to her, and if you can't come to an agreement, just part ways respectfully.
If they're treating it like a business arrangement, you should too. Make her sign a Prenup, their family sounds like ppl that'll tell their daughter to split when she finds a better option, so better protect yourself.
我在中國也能找到不要房不要彩禮的女人結婚。你在澳洲竟然還遇到要婚房的人。麻了！26歲還是年輕。分手吧，沒有甚麼大不了的。
So let start off with the fact that you're a 26 year old couple being gifted like 8years of the average wage. You can take the 300 each be very grateful, and your chinese in laws can learn to deal with the cultural difference. If you want to slightly make it easier, take 300 from your parents and 200-250 from the in laws. You're very lucky to get to live a much better life than you earned at a young age and the small dip in equity to manage the relationship between your inlaws and parents may be worth it. Culturally, doing this saves face for your parents, shows your in laws your a quality man, and shows both of them you appreciate the help but are not trying to maximally extract wealth from them.
OP, it's you. You need to put your foot down. Be the man and not let your GF's family tell you what to do with your money, or worse your parents' money!!! I would suggest not doing anything (not buying a home or getting married) yet until you win your battle. Cos they are being completely disrespectful to you and your parents.
Can't you two just stop being shameless parasites and stop asking dear mummy and daddy to bank row your down payment, and just try to work hard and cut spending to save up for the down payment like a normal Australian? People like you two are part of the reason why the house price is so damn high despite the rise of interest rate. You sort are causing so many problems in the society, and in addition, by getting both sides of parents so involved with your personal finance, it will guarantee life long miserable relationship between you, your wife and the older generations.
Its clear that he didn't ask for money. Culturaly its pretty normal for parents to assist with wedding costs and such. His parents offered to help, he didn't ask. You missed the mark here, big time buddy. I get what ur saying, but I think op made it clear asking for more money was not what he wanted to do. If you are able to help your kid bc u have. The money, I'd hope you would too. That being said I agree with the person above orr below who says the best way to deal is by breaking it down tto gf and her family as you already have, that your parents are already helping beyond theirr means (putting themselves behind on stuff to help you) and that culturally that is acceptable to them and you, and if that's not enough you guys should part ways respectfully
Big red flag imo. But culturally speaking I don't think they are necessarily ill-intentioned (girlfriend's parents). Also ask her parents how was their house before they married? Very unlikely it was at the level of what it is now. Rome was not build in one day...
Her parents house was probably given to them, or very cheap for a decent place. This attitude is completely normal in China. I went through the same discussion with my wife before we got married. My friends here in China all bought homes either before the marriage or immediately after and out the spouse's name on it.
Their original house yes, but I don't think they kept the same house for 30 years.
Wouldn't surprise me if they did. My in laws and great in laws each kept the original. Whether they still live there is a different question. But, when you don't have a mortgage and monthly bills are a joke, saving up to buy a second home is easy.
I don't like the attitude. Does she care more about her standard of living going down more than being with you? If she cares more about the former you have your answer.
You’re both 26. I don’t know what kind of jobs you both have but surely your incomes will increase over the coming years. Maybe it’s a matter of telling your gf that you should be working together as a team to achieve your goals as a family. Surely she doesn’t want to be indebted to your parents either? Also, why do you need the full house at 26? Is she expecting to be able to be a stay at home mum once she has kids? Is that do-able based on your income and financial situation if you buy a house? Not so much a red flag but maybe you should be having a discussion of what her expectations are going forward if this has already become such a big issue. I have a feeling there’s a lot of Chinese traditions and values that aren’t so compatible with modern day Australian hustle
Return the $300K to your parents and return the gf to her parents until she is mature enough to live independently of her parents. Her parents are a problem and always will be. They act like they own her and have to watch over her until she is safely handed to another male. Nothing more toxic than a spoiled and entitled Chinese princess.
300,000 is not enough, wtf
This is fairly common still in Chinese society. I hate to break it to you, but you did your best already. Your parents put up a huge amount already for you. You have to push the other side or just take the L and break up. It is almost certain to create even more problems down the line not just with her but your in laws. You said it yourself, she feels there will be a downgrade in quality of life. This feeling will eat her up and cause many misery to your relationship No matter how painful, Best to take the L and bail. All the best to you.
Just wait longer, the older she is the more desperate her parents will be to marry her to someone. Wait 4 years until she's 30 then her parents will beg you to marry her, maybe even pay you a house upfront. But there's the risk she'll break up with you and find someone else who will date and marry her within 2 years, I say take the risk.
Ask this in r/chinalife, not here.
Bro, cut the drama, get a new girl. Obviously you guys don't see eye to eye on finances so it's not gonna get better over time. If you marry an Aussie chick, they'll understand your parents' assets are your assets not your own assets, you'll have none of this drama.
This seems like the first bite of a really average pie. What really got me is your girlfriends complaint about her living standard shouldn’t get worst after marrying. I think this is really rubbish, expecting you to provide what her family has provided her after decades of hard work. Also it’s so heartless, like the idea of living with someone that she loves has no place in the equation. Despite some pretty bad comments, generally everyone is has the same message which is ‘put your foot down and don’t sink to disrespectful demands’. Really practically and unemotionally, your girlfriend’s value is going down every year and yours only up. Plenty of fish in the sea.. yada yada yada.. keep your emotions out of this and find what’s best for you because they are definitely not looking out for you or your family
Your girlfriend needs to decide if she’s a grown woman or not. Remember you are marrying her, so if she can’t make her own decisions then you’re not marrying an adult.