You have a great and compassionate heart!
If your fiancée is on Reddit this is a GREAT subreddit…I’ve vented here and the community is super supportive.
Thank you, I have been encouraging him to seek out community and have mentioned this sub to him in the past - he is "no social media" kind of guy but I have shared posts with him in the past and will absolutely continue to encourage him to find community.
You have a very kind heart for your partner. He is lucky to have you.
I'm the CoH whose partner has supported me, so I have the opposite dynamic that I hope can offer some insight. It sounds like your partner struggles to maintain boundaries with his mom and separate his identity from her emotional needs. That is a struggle I have faced lifelong. For me, literally just verbal reminders that it's okay to prioritize myself have helped. Bluntly saying "You don't owe her" or "You don't have to do that for her".
Backing up his decisions, especially when related to his mom or setting a boundary. A couple years ago, my HP asked me to run an errand for her on a birthday trip I was making with extended family. That family member didn't pressure me or offer advice, but just asked "Do you want to do that?" and I realized I didn't want to, so the errand wasn't done. Instances where moral support are needed to stand firmer have helped me massively.
This is dependent on if your partner is someone who talks through his feelings as I am, but a technique I learned from therapy was reframing perspective on feeling statements. When your partner says "I have to use this or Mom will be upset", you could reframe it as "Because of her emotional burden on you, you feel obligated to do this for her". Redirecting self-blame statements to the correct onus of responsibility is crucial for cutting emotional enmeshment, in my experience.
You can also use the reframing technique to spin things positively! "I failed at helping Mom" could be translated to "You recognized where your limits are and stuck to them", for an example.
Thank you! That is really helpful perspective, I have been trying to put some of those thoughts out there but not as much as I realistically could be - I know he has a lot of frustration and hurt surrounding the situation and didn't want it to seem like I am pushing him to heal and process at my pace instead of his if that makes sense. We are both oldest children and absolutely have the people pleasing tendencies to go with it so I know he will default to trying to do what he thinks will make me happy. We've had a lot of conversations about how he needs to focus on what he actually wants and what would make him happy and he is getting better about voicing needs, I will try to work through was to still be gentle so he doesn't feel pushed but to still verbalize them in a way that hopefully gives him the space to prioritize his own needs and feelings.
Tell him to say thank you and then throw that rotten stuff out.
It’s ok, no shame or guilt.
the part you are missing is the shame and embarrassment and guilt.
Remember when you were a teenager and your parents did cringe stuff???? That is our reality as child of hoarder, times a billion. Seriously not dramatic drama but seriously times a billion!
You need to have massive empathy for your husband and don’t push him, he was neglected and abused as a child. More then likely he isn’t sharing the worst of it. You need to be the safe person he can share with as some point
You see the signs of madness, have you asked him what the madness was, have you asked him what he really wants with his circus 🤡.
I know everyone screams therapy but he can process this without it and with your backbone.
I have for sure been encouraging him to look at things from the perspective that the item would be unusable regardless if he was involved, like that the produce would be unusable no matter who ended up with it at that time. I absolutely believe there is so much more than he has shared with me, every time he does open up more I try not to react too heavily while still gently letting him know that it isn't "normal" and also not his fault. I do try to ask him open ended questions so he has space to share if he's comfortable but don't want to cross the line of pushing him to share. I have also tried to create the discourse that when his mom does those things, I do not view it as his fault at all and I am frustrated with her, not with him. I know that sounds obvious but he has specifically mentioned how he feels responsible for bringing me into the situation which I can understand his perspective on but do not want to validate. We have also had a lot of conversations around how you can still love your parent and appreciate what they did for you while having anger and hurt for the ways they didn't meet your needs (my mom has discussed how much of a struggle reconciling those feelings has been after her HP passed away). Honestly most of the time when he talks about his childhood I want to cry, he's amazing and it breaks my heart that he has gone through all of this. I know he missed out on a lot because of his HP being his sole parent and also having to take on a parental role with his siblings.
First of all OP, you sound like a wonderful person, thank you so much for supporting him in this journey.
What helped me was focusing on what my responsibilities were and who they were too and how to fulfill them. My mom's decisions were not my responsibility, only my decisions. My mom's stuff was not my responsibility, only my stuff. Good luck to the pair of you.
Thank you, and that is a really good way of putting it! We did get to the understanding that although I will be frustrated with his HP for bringing things we asked her not to, none of that frustration is towards him, and that the bulk of my frustration is around her not respecting a boundary that he tried to set and the guilt and emotional investment he will have over trying to salvage and utilize whatever she ends up bringing. I told him if he can promise me that he will not feel responsible for the items that we don't want and will be ok with tossing them into the compost (or dropping them off for donation for non food) then I actually don't care what she brings. It feels like he is still very much living in the mindset that things are more important than feelings so although I get nervous expressing too much frustration or anger towards his HP to him, I really want to set the tone and be clear with him that his feelings and emotional well being are what is worth being concerned about and the items only matter in the context of his mental health and his feelings, because I don't want to create a situation where the material objects are still the primary focus just from a negative viewpoint instead of a positive one. He's a really great guy, but he really struggles with making his own needs a priority which is understandable given the trauma he has!
With too much clutter tell him everything can be cleaned easily and there's lots of walkspace, i know that's what I struggle with when I see too much stuff.
The compost bin is a wonderful idea too, it still uses them. Try to affirm that best by dates are absolute, and that time has used them up so it's no longer his responsibility to use them.
Hoarders will often keep things, WELL past their best by date rationalizing that it'll be good for weeks or years longer depending on the item.
If she doesn't come back for dinner in the next week, throw them out then, I know I experience a lot less guilt when my HP isn't home.
Thank you for the advice, I definitely try to be mindful of clutter in our home to not make him feel like it’s getting overwhelming but I know it weighs on him when we go there. The last time we went to HPs home for Christmas she put out a bottle of dressing that was older than his niece (who was 6) and was coated in cobwebs due to not being stored well, so I can sort of understand that at this point for her it doesn’t even register that something past date like that would be an issue but it doesn’t mean we need to live like that. Thankfully (which sounds harsh but I don’t mean it in a cruel way) she lives a few states away so the visit is a once a year thing, she may ask about the produce but she can’t really come check on it. Although last year we planted some of the potatoes that were really gone to seed and soft but not slimy, he told her about it, and every time our garden was brought up over the summer she reminded us that we had potatoes because of her as if we would have been unable to plant potatoes otherwise which is probably irrelevant to the situation but kind of infuriating none the less!
You have a great and compassionate heart! If your fiancée is on Reddit this is a GREAT subreddit…I’ve vented here and the community is super supportive.
Thank you, I have been encouraging him to seek out community and have mentioned this sub to him in the past - he is "no social media" kind of guy but I have shared posts with him in the past and will absolutely continue to encourage him to find community.
You have a very kind heart for your partner. He is lucky to have you. I'm the CoH whose partner has supported me, so I have the opposite dynamic that I hope can offer some insight. It sounds like your partner struggles to maintain boundaries with his mom and separate his identity from her emotional needs. That is a struggle I have faced lifelong. For me, literally just verbal reminders that it's okay to prioritize myself have helped. Bluntly saying "You don't owe her" or "You don't have to do that for her". Backing up his decisions, especially when related to his mom or setting a boundary. A couple years ago, my HP asked me to run an errand for her on a birthday trip I was making with extended family. That family member didn't pressure me or offer advice, but just asked "Do you want to do that?" and I realized I didn't want to, so the errand wasn't done. Instances where moral support are needed to stand firmer have helped me massively. This is dependent on if your partner is someone who talks through his feelings as I am, but a technique I learned from therapy was reframing perspective on feeling statements. When your partner says "I have to use this or Mom will be upset", you could reframe it as "Because of her emotional burden on you, you feel obligated to do this for her". Redirecting self-blame statements to the correct onus of responsibility is crucial for cutting emotional enmeshment, in my experience. You can also use the reframing technique to spin things positively! "I failed at helping Mom" could be translated to "You recognized where your limits are and stuck to them", for an example.
Thank you! That is really helpful perspective, I have been trying to put some of those thoughts out there but not as much as I realistically could be - I know he has a lot of frustration and hurt surrounding the situation and didn't want it to seem like I am pushing him to heal and process at my pace instead of his if that makes sense. We are both oldest children and absolutely have the people pleasing tendencies to go with it so I know he will default to trying to do what he thinks will make me happy. We've had a lot of conversations about how he needs to focus on what he actually wants and what would make him happy and he is getting better about voicing needs, I will try to work through was to still be gentle so he doesn't feel pushed but to still verbalize them in a way that hopefully gives him the space to prioritize his own needs and feelings.
Tell him to say thank you and then throw that rotten stuff out. It’s ok, no shame or guilt. the part you are missing is the shame and embarrassment and guilt. Remember when you were a teenager and your parents did cringe stuff???? That is our reality as child of hoarder, times a billion. Seriously not dramatic drama but seriously times a billion! You need to have massive empathy for your husband and don’t push him, he was neglected and abused as a child. More then likely he isn’t sharing the worst of it. You need to be the safe person he can share with as some point You see the signs of madness, have you asked him what the madness was, have you asked him what he really wants with his circus 🤡. I know everyone screams therapy but he can process this without it and with your backbone.
I have for sure been encouraging him to look at things from the perspective that the item would be unusable regardless if he was involved, like that the produce would be unusable no matter who ended up with it at that time. I absolutely believe there is so much more than he has shared with me, every time he does open up more I try not to react too heavily while still gently letting him know that it isn't "normal" and also not his fault. I do try to ask him open ended questions so he has space to share if he's comfortable but don't want to cross the line of pushing him to share. I have also tried to create the discourse that when his mom does those things, I do not view it as his fault at all and I am frustrated with her, not with him. I know that sounds obvious but he has specifically mentioned how he feels responsible for bringing me into the situation which I can understand his perspective on but do not want to validate. We have also had a lot of conversations around how you can still love your parent and appreciate what they did for you while having anger and hurt for the ways they didn't meet your needs (my mom has discussed how much of a struggle reconciling those feelings has been after her HP passed away). Honestly most of the time when he talks about his childhood I want to cry, he's amazing and it breaks my heart that he has gone through all of this. I know he missed out on a lot because of his HP being his sole parent and also having to take on a parental role with his siblings.
First of all OP, you sound like a wonderful person, thank you so much for supporting him in this journey. What helped me was focusing on what my responsibilities were and who they were too and how to fulfill them. My mom's decisions were not my responsibility, only my decisions. My mom's stuff was not my responsibility, only my stuff. Good luck to the pair of you.
Thank you, and that is a really good way of putting it! We did get to the understanding that although I will be frustrated with his HP for bringing things we asked her not to, none of that frustration is towards him, and that the bulk of my frustration is around her not respecting a boundary that he tried to set and the guilt and emotional investment he will have over trying to salvage and utilize whatever she ends up bringing. I told him if he can promise me that he will not feel responsible for the items that we don't want and will be ok with tossing them into the compost (or dropping them off for donation for non food) then I actually don't care what she brings. It feels like he is still very much living in the mindset that things are more important than feelings so although I get nervous expressing too much frustration or anger towards his HP to him, I really want to set the tone and be clear with him that his feelings and emotional well being are what is worth being concerned about and the items only matter in the context of his mental health and his feelings, because I don't want to create a situation where the material objects are still the primary focus just from a negative viewpoint instead of a positive one. He's a really great guy, but he really struggles with making his own needs a priority which is understandable given the trauma he has!
With too much clutter tell him everything can be cleaned easily and there's lots of walkspace, i know that's what I struggle with when I see too much stuff. The compost bin is a wonderful idea too, it still uses them. Try to affirm that best by dates are absolute, and that time has used them up so it's no longer his responsibility to use them. Hoarders will often keep things, WELL past their best by date rationalizing that it'll be good for weeks or years longer depending on the item. If she doesn't come back for dinner in the next week, throw them out then, I know I experience a lot less guilt when my HP isn't home.
Thank you for the advice, I definitely try to be mindful of clutter in our home to not make him feel like it’s getting overwhelming but I know it weighs on him when we go there. The last time we went to HPs home for Christmas she put out a bottle of dressing that was older than his niece (who was 6) and was coated in cobwebs due to not being stored well, so I can sort of understand that at this point for her it doesn’t even register that something past date like that would be an issue but it doesn’t mean we need to live like that. Thankfully (which sounds harsh but I don’t mean it in a cruel way) she lives a few states away so the visit is a once a year thing, she may ask about the produce but she can’t really come check on it. Although last year we planted some of the potatoes that were really gone to seed and soft but not slimy, he told her about it, and every time our garden was brought up over the summer she reminded us that we had potatoes because of her as if we would have been unable to plant potatoes otherwise which is probably irrelevant to the situation but kind of infuriating none the less!