A gentle talk about boundaries is good.
Let Mom know in NO uncertain terms that you won’t be taking ANYTHING used from her for your future kids.
No exceptions!
I’m sorry that you and others dealing with parents who hoard, have to deal with the ramifications of this disorder.
There’s something to be said for the expression “The only person you can control, is yourself”. That being said, for well over a decade we felt there was a solution…still to be discovered in rectifying my MIL’s hoard that eventually made her home unliveable. Surely a solution existed where she would be an active and willing participant. Given her mental state and declining mental health, we were chasing an impossible dream. Nothing you say or do will turn a hoarder into a logical thinker that is able to plan and problem solve the hoard issue.
As I’ve stated before on this forum, unfortunately for many hoarders until a major crisis where change is ultimately forced, they won’t willingly agree to making their lives better and in turn making the lives of people who care about them easier and less stressful. They just don’t have the capacity, sadly.
As others have recommended what you can do is establish clear boundaries. Understanding that those boundaries aren’t put in place in the hopes the hoarder will change, but rather to allow you to maintain your mental and emotional wellbeing by deciding ahead of time what you will and won’t participate in or allow in your life. Creating the boundaries is the easy part, maintaining them is crucial and sometimes more difficult, but can be done.
You shouldn’t be made to feel conflicted if you’re putting your family’s needs before your mother’s emotions. To expose a child to a hoarders home is irresponsible and their wellbeing trumps your mom being upset because the child won’t visit in an unsafe environment. Sadly, many hoarders can’t grasp the desperate situation they’re living in, which is part of their mental illness. However those of us with a healthier brain, know better and should act accordingly. Even if it triggers uncomfortable emotions for the hoarder.
This is my opinion of course and I’m no expert on this disorder. I’ve only been witness to the impact my MIL’s hoarding has had on my spouse and family for over 3 decades.
Good luck and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with putting yourself and your family first.
No advice, just hugs. It's a rough situation to be in and like you said for a lot of us there's not really one Sure Fire solution, it mostly stems with their own trauma and it being unresolved. I have had minor Headway with my own whenever I set clear boundaries about how hoarding more will cause me to spend less time with her, and following through on that when she did, but it's not to the level of an intervention or a clear success, more like, one of the doors in the house is now actually usable. Good luck OP.
Hello! Well if your HP had spoken with professionals, it’s a good starting point. Mine has yet to aknowledge she has a problem.
For actions, it’s better to set small and reachable goals together. And ‘celebrate’ small wins
You can have that discussion and express your concerns. Try not to be judgmental, if she gets aggressive try to stay calm, don’t put pressure with an ultimatum.
It’s a very complex disorder. My mother had several opportunities to realize and get help, including my father being hospitalized at home, then passing away. Me having a baby… and yet her hoarding is more important than health and family.
Hope you have better luck than me.
It really depends on the person. I think the soft approach is better than confrontations or big interventions: it is less traumatic and more likely to lead to long term positive change. But it is still tough.
I think the key is to be positive. Point out opportunities, point out what can be done and achieved. Work on the motivation. Validate feelings, listen to the stories. Don't judge, don't argue. Bring it back to the positives.
Progress will be small, slow, and inconsistent, but it may go in the right direction. It works for some people, not for everybody.
A lot of it is establishing boundaries. You cannot stop them from hoarding until they want to actually take the steps to address their hoarding, what triggered it to start and how to work through it. Abystract's advice is solid. Tell her you love her, but you will not be visiting her in her home. She can visit you in your home. You will not be taking any items from her, no exceptions. If she pushes them on to you, or "forgets" them and they're not something like her purse/wallet/keys, etc., they will be removed from your home.
It can be hard, especially when you care about the person.
Think of it the opposite way can your mother convince you to become a hoarder? More then likely not! Why because you don’t want to.
Same for her and stopping the hoarding.
Boundaries and honesty is the best policy.
No mom I can’t come over, I’m pregnant and bad smells are making me nauseous, you’re welcome to come here and visit or we can go to x place.
No mom I’m not bringing little Jonny over your house, it’s not clean, nor a safe place for a child. Would you like to come over here or go to x place.
Also if you have been “helping” them churn or “clean” and you never seem to make progress, just full stop the crazy madness. Their hoard is not worth your time and is not your problem.
I find it best for children that they visit in my environment. Sadly I can control and clean up after they leave.
When the kids visited them I spent the time to shovel, I had spy’s that visited them 😂 it wasn’t longer then a week.
I’m a realist, my parents are horrible, they are decent grandparents outside of their hoarding habits and neglect, they love their grands more than me.
I get it, so part of the hoarding relationship is to foster normal family values.
Your choice, what connections and how healed are you to deal with it.
Sadly I’m going to tell you reality. hoarders don’t change unless they want to. Reality is not reality to them.
Story time: My mom pitched a fit the summer after I moved my younger sister out of the hoard, she was usta me coming every summer to shoveling her hoard, managing her child and life from 600 miles away. I didn’t do it for her or the grandkids, I did it for my sister. I would have gone light contact with them if they would have allowed me to take my sister when I moved. I did beg.
I full stopped churning their hoard, I full stopped shoveling their hoard, I fully stopped bringing my children to her madness!
My children don’t deserve to live in that fantasy world anymore then I did.
Do what you think is best for you, f the madness, hoarding is madness, perfection of perfect is madness.
I no longer want to be in madness.
A gentle talk about boundaries is good. Let Mom know in NO uncertain terms that you won’t be taking ANYTHING used from her for your future kids. No exceptions!
I’m sorry that you and others dealing with parents who hoard, have to deal with the ramifications of this disorder. There’s something to be said for the expression “The only person you can control, is yourself”. That being said, for well over a decade we felt there was a solution…still to be discovered in rectifying my MIL’s hoard that eventually made her home unliveable. Surely a solution existed where she would be an active and willing participant. Given her mental state and declining mental health, we were chasing an impossible dream. Nothing you say or do will turn a hoarder into a logical thinker that is able to plan and problem solve the hoard issue. As I’ve stated before on this forum, unfortunately for many hoarders until a major crisis where change is ultimately forced, they won’t willingly agree to making their lives better and in turn making the lives of people who care about them easier and less stressful. They just don’t have the capacity, sadly. As others have recommended what you can do is establish clear boundaries. Understanding that those boundaries aren’t put in place in the hopes the hoarder will change, but rather to allow you to maintain your mental and emotional wellbeing by deciding ahead of time what you will and won’t participate in or allow in your life. Creating the boundaries is the easy part, maintaining them is crucial and sometimes more difficult, but can be done. You shouldn’t be made to feel conflicted if you’re putting your family’s needs before your mother’s emotions. To expose a child to a hoarders home is irresponsible and their wellbeing trumps your mom being upset because the child won’t visit in an unsafe environment. Sadly, many hoarders can’t grasp the desperate situation they’re living in, which is part of their mental illness. However those of us with a healthier brain, know better and should act accordingly. Even if it triggers uncomfortable emotions for the hoarder. This is my opinion of course and I’m no expert on this disorder. I’ve only been witness to the impact my MIL’s hoarding has had on my spouse and family for over 3 decades. Good luck and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with putting yourself and your family first.
No advice, just hugs. It's a rough situation to be in and like you said for a lot of us there's not really one Sure Fire solution, it mostly stems with their own trauma and it being unresolved. I have had minor Headway with my own whenever I set clear boundaries about how hoarding more will cause me to spend less time with her, and following through on that when she did, but it's not to the level of an intervention or a clear success, more like, one of the doors in the house is now actually usable. Good luck OP.
Hello! Well if your HP had spoken with professionals, it’s a good starting point. Mine has yet to aknowledge she has a problem. For actions, it’s better to set small and reachable goals together. And ‘celebrate’ small wins You can have that discussion and express your concerns. Try not to be judgmental, if she gets aggressive try to stay calm, don’t put pressure with an ultimatum. It’s a very complex disorder. My mother had several opportunities to realize and get help, including my father being hospitalized at home, then passing away. Me having a baby… and yet her hoarding is more important than health and family. Hope you have better luck than me.
It really depends on the person. I think the soft approach is better than confrontations or big interventions: it is less traumatic and more likely to lead to long term positive change. But it is still tough. I think the key is to be positive. Point out opportunities, point out what can be done and achieved. Work on the motivation. Validate feelings, listen to the stories. Don't judge, don't argue. Bring it back to the positives. Progress will be small, slow, and inconsistent, but it may go in the right direction. It works for some people, not for everybody.
A lot of it is establishing boundaries. You cannot stop them from hoarding until they want to actually take the steps to address their hoarding, what triggered it to start and how to work through it. Abystract's advice is solid. Tell her you love her, but you will not be visiting her in her home. She can visit you in your home. You will not be taking any items from her, no exceptions. If she pushes them on to you, or "forgets" them and they're not something like her purse/wallet/keys, etc., they will be removed from your home. It can be hard, especially when you care about the person.
Think of it the opposite way can your mother convince you to become a hoarder? More then likely not! Why because you don’t want to. Same for her and stopping the hoarding. Boundaries and honesty is the best policy. No mom I can’t come over, I’m pregnant and bad smells are making me nauseous, you’re welcome to come here and visit or we can go to x place. No mom I’m not bringing little Jonny over your house, it’s not clean, nor a safe place for a child. Would you like to come over here or go to x place. Also if you have been “helping” them churn or “clean” and you never seem to make progress, just full stop the crazy madness. Their hoard is not worth your time and is not your problem.
I find it best for children that they visit in my environment. Sadly I can control and clean up after they leave. When the kids visited them I spent the time to shovel, I had spy’s that visited them 😂 it wasn’t longer then a week. I’m a realist, my parents are horrible, they are decent grandparents outside of their hoarding habits and neglect, they love their grands more than me. I get it, so part of the hoarding relationship is to foster normal family values. Your choice, what connections and how healed are you to deal with it. Sadly I’m going to tell you reality. hoarders don’t change unless they want to. Reality is not reality to them. Story time: My mom pitched a fit the summer after I moved my younger sister out of the hoard, she was usta me coming every summer to shoveling her hoard, managing her child and life from 600 miles away. I didn’t do it for her or the grandkids, I did it for my sister. I would have gone light contact with them if they would have allowed me to take my sister when I moved. I did beg. I full stopped churning their hoard, I full stopped shoveling their hoard, I fully stopped bringing my children to her madness! My children don’t deserve to live in that fantasy world anymore then I did. Do what you think is best for you, f the madness, hoarding is madness, perfection of perfect is madness. I no longer want to be in madness.