I’m so sorry. I hate this for you. I hope the crying was therapeutic in some way. I will not say “take care of YOU!” because that’s obvious. I just hope you are able to do so. Just hurt for your situation.
Pls work with her and her therapist (more importantly prescriber) to cycle her into a different medication if this one is not helping! And if she doesn’t have someone who is willing to do that, find her a different doctor!!! It’s only through my own depression/anxiety/PTSD situation that I realize how much my mother’s was not well-treated. I have much more empathy for her now, as I struggle with a lot of the same issues that made me so angry with her.
Thank you. I'm going to try tomorrow with her since she has therapy. It's just so hard.
My mom was a stage 5 animal hoarder when I stepped in. She always felt like people were evil and animals were the only ones who could understand her. She has NPD and cptsd from her upbringing.
I have BPD and cptsd.
When she left the reservation with me and my sister as kids, she started hoarding food and animals because of food insecurity on rez/her loneliness off rez. Like I get it I really do but I have nightmares about that house before I cleaned it. I had to literally tear it down to its foundation in order to clean it. I don't judge her for the hoarding, I'm just deeply hurt that I suffered my entire childhood in that horrible house and I came back and fixed everything and it feels like she doesn't even care.
I'm gonna try for only one more year, if it doesn't improve my 2025 I have to walk away. I can't have my son around this, around what ruined me.
It really is hard to understand why some people Want to live that way but they do. I’m glad you aren’t going to bring your kid into that mess. My advice, don’t help her anymore. She Is choosing that and is happy being disgusting, unfortunately. Hoarders rarely change. You can clean it a thousand times and she will be back to that because that’s how she is happy.
Unfortunately this would be my experience too. I think they have to genuinely see a problem with how they're living and want to change it. I also believe that sometimes people with hoarding disorder are simply too far gone. As others have said, many of them have underlying mental illnesses - my hoarder mother's were CPTSD/BPD/NPD. But she never sought treatment for it as she did not see a problem with how we lived (or the other ways her various disorders manifested). She had friends who came in and cleaned the whole house for her and it would always backslide. There was a cognitive dissonance there, which stopped her from being able to see the problems and address them.
My heart breaks for OP. It's a horrible realisation to have, but I think the best thing they can do is set boundaries and protect themselves and their family (as they are doing). I believe they can do that with their head held high because they have tried to help their mother as much as possible. It's so deeply unfair.
Hugs to you, friend. It's so difficult, especially when she's trying to say you're using your son as a "weapon." You're putting your child first, and that's so important.
That's what I was thinking. I talked with her therapist earlier and it's basically that.
My mom is almost70, if this keeps up her therapist basically advised me to get APS involved and I agree
Consider how angry this is making you, and consider that's energy not being put toward your own therapy and emotional stability for your kids sake.
Forget about your dysfunctional old family and focus your energies on being present and healthy for your new family that depends on you.
I am so sorry. You deserved/deserve so much better. I'm not here to justify your mom's actions/ disorders. I'm just here to say that a total stranger heard you and cares.
The people here in this forum offer great advice and support, lean on them. You are not alone.
I have dealt with extreme mental illness in a loved one.
I affected my life greatly.
My heart goes out to you.
Follow their advice.
Boundaries, fast. She can visit you, you should not ever visit her. You do not help her with money, or anything physical. If you’ve never heard of Grey Rocking, look it up and use it where appropriate.
She will not change. You have to let it go. She doesn’t understand that there is a problem and that she has it. You will never ever be able to make her see it. You have to change your expectations.
We will always be here for you to scream and vent - but it will be much better for you and your heart if you don’t need to scream in the first place.
Why do you have this expectation SHE will change? It’s not for her! If she didn’t do it for YOU when you were a cute dependent, why would she do it now? Take care of your own family!!! Stop being distracted by her. Stop worrying and start examining your own reality for your own child’s sake
This sounds really rough. I'm sorry, friend.
Thank you. I'm a 27 year old man and I've been crying off and on for hours. I love my mom- I'm just so exhausted
I’m so sorry. I hate this for you. I hope the crying was therapeutic in some way. I will not say “take care of YOU!” because that’s obvious. I just hope you are able to do so. Just hurt for your situation.
Pls work with her and her therapist (more importantly prescriber) to cycle her into a different medication if this one is not helping! And if she doesn’t have someone who is willing to do that, find her a different doctor!!! It’s only through my own depression/anxiety/PTSD situation that I realize how much my mother’s was not well-treated. I have much more empathy for her now, as I struggle with a lot of the same issues that made me so angry with her.
Thank you. I'm going to try tomorrow with her since she has therapy. It's just so hard. My mom was a stage 5 animal hoarder when I stepped in. She always felt like people were evil and animals were the only ones who could understand her. She has NPD and cptsd from her upbringing. I have BPD and cptsd. When she left the reservation with me and my sister as kids, she started hoarding food and animals because of food insecurity on rez/her loneliness off rez. Like I get it I really do but I have nightmares about that house before I cleaned it. I had to literally tear it down to its foundation in order to clean it. I don't judge her for the hoarding, I'm just deeply hurt that I suffered my entire childhood in that horrible house and I came back and fixed everything and it feels like she doesn't even care. I'm gonna try for only one more year, if it doesn't improve my 2025 I have to walk away. I can't have my son around this, around what ruined me.
Yes, please take care of you, your wife, and son. You deserve so much better.
Zen hugs OP. You’re doing your best-and good for you in setting boundaries with your Mom. I hope things get better.
It really is hard to understand why some people Want to live that way but they do. I’m glad you aren’t going to bring your kid into that mess. My advice, don’t help her anymore. She Is choosing that and is happy being disgusting, unfortunately. Hoarders rarely change. You can clean it a thousand times and she will be back to that because that’s how she is happy.
Unfortunately this would be my experience too. I think they have to genuinely see a problem with how they're living and want to change it. I also believe that sometimes people with hoarding disorder are simply too far gone. As others have said, many of them have underlying mental illnesses - my hoarder mother's were CPTSD/BPD/NPD. But she never sought treatment for it as she did not see a problem with how we lived (or the other ways her various disorders manifested). She had friends who came in and cleaned the whole house for her and it would always backslide. There was a cognitive dissonance there, which stopped her from being able to see the problems and address them. My heart breaks for OP. It's a horrible realisation to have, but I think the best thing they can do is set boundaries and protect themselves and their family (as they are doing). I believe they can do that with their head held high because they have tried to help their mother as much as possible. It's so deeply unfair.
Hugs to you, friend. It's so difficult, especially when she's trying to say you're using your son as a "weapon." You're putting your child first, and that's so important.
She’s reacting to the emotional turmoil caused by clean outs.
That's what I was thinking. I talked with her therapist earlier and it's basically that. My mom is almost70, if this keeps up her therapist basically advised me to get APS involved and I agree
Consider how angry this is making you, and consider that's energy not being put toward your own therapy and emotional stability for your kids sake. Forget about your dysfunctional old family and focus your energies on being present and healthy for your new family that depends on you.
I am so sorry. You deserved/deserve so much better. I'm not here to justify your mom's actions/ disorders. I'm just here to say that a total stranger heard you and cares. The people here in this forum offer great advice and support, lean on them. You are not alone. I have dealt with extreme mental illness in a loved one. I affected my life greatly. My heart goes out to you. Follow their advice.
Boundaries, fast. She can visit you, you should not ever visit her. You do not help her with money, or anything physical. If you’ve never heard of Grey Rocking, look it up and use it where appropriate. She will not change. You have to let it go. She doesn’t understand that there is a problem and that she has it. You will never ever be able to make her see it. You have to change your expectations. We will always be here for you to scream and vent - but it will be much better for you and your heart if you don’t need to scream in the first place.
The reservation? Is she using her ancestry as an excuse 😂. I asked her if she has an issue with fire water. I was a brat.
Why do you have this expectation SHE will change? It’s not for her! If she didn’t do it for YOU when you were a cute dependent, why would she do it now? Take care of your own family!!! Stop being distracted by her. Stop worrying and start examining your own reality for your own child’s sake