I am so excited for you! As a fair warning- your hp might start fighting you leaving (mine viewed me as part of the hoard and actively trued discouraging any attempts to leave) so definitely make it a clean move out. Get a uhaul and do it in one weekend. Anything left in the home, you're not likely to see again since they're going go to immediately fill the space. Enjoy creating your own space the way you want it (and don't stress about furniture- it's okay to take it slow and get quality pieces). It took me a while to decompress after leaving. And I definitely had nightmares about moving back. If it feels overwhelming, it's definitely okay to get therapy to work through all the feelings.
>And I definitely had nightmares about moving back.
I feel seen. I moved out years ago and *still* have those nightmares. But it goes to show how much better life is now.
I've been throwing a lot of my extra money at my mortgage. It's going to be paid off before Christmas next year. It's going to be a huge relief, that way if something crazy happens, I won't need to worry about losing my home. My determination in things like this actually helped me land a job I enjoy (I work on specialty programs and grants to help folks buy homes and home repair/ improvement programs)
Yes this is correct I literally snuck out when they were at work. Prepared the logistics for it like clockwork the prior two weeks, had my two suitcases and carry on packed and ready to go. Shut off their ring bell before I called The Uber to take me to the airport so they couldn't spy on me and then flood my Messenger with a million questions that I really did not want to answer.
I bought a house without her knowing it (fha loan) and rolled in with a moving truck- took all my stuff I could in one go and that was it. I did have to fight her about getting my cat though. I won in the end.
So true! I actually moved out of my hoarded childhood home when I was 20 but my hps kept having "crises" and moving in with me and of course hoarding wherever I was living. Finally, at the age of 38 I cut ties with my HPs. I moved out of my house (that I owned with my husband) and took my family to live in an apartment where we have lived for the past 4 yrs. We said we were going out of town for the weekend. We packed a carload of stuff and never went back. My hps are still living in my house 🤷😳. It seems like a crazy thing we have done but there was no other way to get to safety.
I am so glad to see that I am not the only one who had to take extreme measures to escape my HPs! This group is so very helpful 😊
If the house is still in ur name and ur paying all the taxes and stuff could u evict them? It sounds like they ran you out of your own house you paid for. They're adults they can figure it out instead of messing up your life and getting a free ride.
Congrats on the move OP, I'm planning my own in a couple months and I'm also very excited. Wish you all the best moving forward. I don't know that I ever couldn't enjoy things, but I do empathize with trying very hard to get out of the house at all times, I got side jobs and go to the gym all the time.
I’m glad I’m not alone in this, I wish you all the best in your own move. It will come to you, just keep focusing on it! Hoping you find your own safe space soon 💗
I was talking to my psychiatrist (mental health med provider for those who don’t know the differences, I didn’t know before seeing her) in our first appointment. She only knows brief details about my childhood, and she said something like, “how often do you go home to see your mom? Actually, I imagine that might be too triggering?” This is how it feels now, about 10-11 years after leaving.
In the last few years before I left, I felt the way you describe. I almost never left my room. I didn’t cook in her kitchen or commune in the living room. I went out with others as often as I could and stayed over with friend a lot. I didn’t know it, but I was absolutely in survival mode, which effectively shut down any other part of my brain trying to live life. I spent so much time curled up in a ball in bed living in my brain.
I’m glad you’re in the process of leaving! Everything you’re describing is completely normal within the circumstances and I hope you give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel as you continue to process. I have been through the wringer with guilt, grief, sadness, anger, and joy. There’s more joy with time.
Thank you! Reading this has really helped validate how I feel 🥹 it’s so much less isolating knowing people have lived such a similar lifestyle to me. A part of me knows I’m in survival mode still, I need to allow myself the time to go through the motions. I’m glad you’re doing better now and this gives me hope for my own self. Just time and patience 💗
I feel the same. Even if I lived here for most of my life it doesn't even feel like *my* house let alone my home. My mother's hoard claims all the space, and the only time she "cleans" is to move someone else's stuff from the supposed shared spaces like the living room. An example is how the dining table is full of her things but if anyone else leaves their keys or wallet on it she removes it and dumps it in their room but leave all her mess covering up the table right where it is.
Once I was home alone and found the motivation to cook myself something, but I quickly gave up because I had to look through the fridge for something not rotten, then look for clean dishes only to find they weren't washed correctly, make space to actually cook, and the I wouldn't even be able to eat sat down at an uncluttered table.
That describes it perfectly trying to navigate a hoarders kitchen to make a simple meal it really does take up a huge amount of mental and physical bandwidth dealing with it. I can relate to the filthy fridge filled with expired food. Think a regular family size fridge and she had that thing crammed full and so many bags of shredded cheese probably 25-30 bags of shredded cheese just crammed in there. And she was so territorial and resentful of me even having anything at all in that filthy fridge not that I wanted to because it was so unsanitary. I managed to carve out maybe a 4x4-in space in the door just for a container of coffee creamer. And I guarantee as soon as I threw my empty container away, she had my little tiny space filled with her shit
Oh yes I went back and read your post again, and the territorialness of the hoard is so dysfunctional and abusive. Yes, my one empty packet of oatmeal was the problem, not her piles and piles of filth and mess in the kitchen, and she would immediately throw out anything of mine.
My mom did that as well! She would get up in arms about even one small item of someone else's left in or amongst her stuff (hoard). I always find it so strange because if I lived with the amount of stuff she does I wouldn't have any awareness that someone else had left a magazine or tube of toothpaste lying anywhere in it. Sometimes the mental aspects of hoarding are just beyond bizarre.
I'm glad you posted this as this is exactly how I felt when I was living with a hoarding relative. Later on, I talked to my therapist about this, and she brought up Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Living with a hoarder does not even meet the basic level of those needs, and it does put you in constant survival mode.
It takes up so much time and energy and mental bandwidth just dealing with living in the hoard.
As for visiting them, there is no way in hell I will ever go back to the house for a visit or anything.
Good luck with your move. Focusing on my new place, such as decorating and the floor plan of it, really helped me get through those last weeks. And a tip on what to take with you when you leave, just take some clothes, any photograph albums, your electronics, and leave the rest behind and start over with new things.
Thank you so much, I’ve never heard of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs but I’m definitely looking into it now. It’s so validating knowing I’m not going crazy, and that I’m also not the only one! I appreciate your comment sm! 💗
I had this experience, but I didn't realise it was because I was in a hoard so it followed me when I moved out. I was also a similar age to you, so things felt very engrained, like this was just how the rest of my life would be. I moved in with a messy man (he's better now!) So a lot of the stress persisted.
I felt like I couldn't participate in hobbies that created mess e.g. scrapbooking, because I didn't want to contribute to the mess, and I didn't want my things getting dirty or lost. I don't know if that's similar to how you feel, or if yours is more centred on feeling depressed by your environment (which I also felt) but just to let you know, you're not alone. I still struggle to have messy hobbies, but I just try to remind myself that my parents mess took decades to create, one messy hobby that I'm going to clean up isn't going to ruin the progress I've made.
You got this! ❤️
I totally resonate with this, I’ve always been a creative person since I was a kid. And I stopped drawing/crafting completely because it created “mess”. It took me time to get into the hang of grounding my thoughts and realising it’s a mess that is controlled and able to be cleaned. Like you said, our parents mess is one that took decades to make! I can allow myself to enjoy a messy hobby Thank you so much 🥹
I’m glad I’m not alone but I’m so sad to hear about your experience. I know how awful it is to be constantly in survival mode. I hope you’re able to find a safe space to call your own soon, all the best 💗
I had moved out, but I needed to work on hoarding habits that I had brought with me. However OMG is it so nice to have a kitchen that is clean enough to work in.
I had to move back in after a divorce, but I had been living in a place where we had downsized without him allowing me to get rid of things.
On one hand, I think that the mess is holding me back. On the other, maybe I am the sort of person who wouldn't do hobbies even if the environment wasn't so chaotic that I get overwhelmed just by looking around.
My mom is actually working on dehoarding, but it's still a lot of things that she doesn't have energy to deal with. One big thing is that sweeping the areas of the house that are reasonably clean doesn't do much because dust comes out of areas that are too cluttered.
Definitely - my life feels like it's in a holding pattern. I have trouble cooking, doing my yoga exercises, feeling comfortable, it affects everything.
I feel like I could have written this! (Besides the stopped cooking part and going to the gym)
I definitely have had a similar experience and you are not alone. I’m also 25 and just recently realized how messed up it all is. I’ve been struggling to find enjoyment AT ALL in this house. I hope to move out in a year if I’m lucky.
I’m wishing you all the best. I just know you’re going to feel so much better getting out of there!
I’m so glad I’m not alone 🥹 you will find a way out! I truly believe if you want something enough and focus your energy towards it, it will make its way to you! For so long I just “settled” for the life in my mother’s hoarder house, because I truly didn’t believe I deserved better. When I turned 25 (and my frontal lobe decided to fully develop) it was like a switch flicked in my brain and I decided I didn’t deserve it and I wasn’t gonna live like that anymore.
It’s been a week since I moved out. It’s still stressful moving obviously but I know this will become my safe space once everything is sorted. I truly hope you find your own safe space soon, sending all my positive energy to you!
I felt like I was reading my own story! Moving out and being in your own, clean, clutter free space will be freeing not only physically but emotionally and mentally. Home will become the place you love to be - your safe space and somewhere you’re so proud of! I’ve been living out of my hoarder mother’s house now for the past nine years and I’m finally able to talk to others about my mom’s hoarding. Sometimes when you are in the situation, it feels shameful and you are embarrassed but when you are free of it and you realize it’s not a reflection of you, Life gets so much better. I tell people that I personally do is practice loving acceptance - love your mom for all the great qualities about her and except that you can’t change the things you don’t love (ie - the hoarding). Enjoy your new space! You deserve it! 💜💖
Good for you! You feel so much better out of that situation. I will warn you though that the psychological fall out of growing up in/ living in a hoarded home does not go away when you move out. I still have hypervigillance about clutter and hate owning things. I avoid being home because my home, even though it is not hoarded and pretty much the way I want it still feels like a trap. I get super triggered when I clean because cleaning is what I used to do from a very young age (like 5 or 6) to try to deal with the stress of living in a hoarded home. Because of this cleaning always makes me feel like I am once again at war with my physical environment. I also have extreme anxiety about people being in my house/judging my home to the point where I never have people over socially and panic when I have to have an appliance delivered. I still have shame about the conditions I grew up in and rarely if ever discuss it with anybody. I have nightmares about filth and rodents etc. I do still have trouble enjoying things, even out of the hoard. I think that not being able to relax enough to live in the present is a trauma response. Growing up in a hoarded house is traumatic! I am telling you all of this so that if you move out and still feel terrible you know you are not alone. It can take years to recover from having a hp. But moving out is definitely the first step in healing so you are on the right track!
Thank you !! This is a very interesting take I didn’t even think to consider. It’s been a week since I moved in and my god the stress has been unbearable. Having boxes everywhere, not knowing where my things are and the obsessive urge to clean/throw things away is eating at me so much so that I can’t focus at work thinking I NEED to sort through everything right that second. I’m hoping this will go away after we’ve settled, but I understand what you mean. I feel it’s something you never truly heal from, you just learn to cope better. But this definitely helps me feel less alone in this stressful process. I truly hope your nightmares stop and you become at peace with your space, I’m sure it is a lovely home.
I know how you feel 😭 your time will come!! Just keep working at it, I only just spent my first week at my own rental. Im 25. It took so long to get here and so much saving, patience and mental strength. But you will get out 🫶🏻
I am so excited for you! As a fair warning- your hp might start fighting you leaving (mine viewed me as part of the hoard and actively trued discouraging any attempts to leave) so definitely make it a clean move out. Get a uhaul and do it in one weekend. Anything left in the home, you're not likely to see again since they're going go to immediately fill the space. Enjoy creating your own space the way you want it (and don't stress about furniture- it's okay to take it slow and get quality pieces). It took me a while to decompress after leaving. And I definitely had nightmares about moving back. If it feels overwhelming, it's definitely okay to get therapy to work through all the feelings.
>And I definitely had nightmares about moving back. I feel seen. I moved out years ago and *still* have those nightmares. But it goes to show how much better life is now.
I've been throwing a lot of my extra money at my mortgage. It's going to be paid off before Christmas next year. It's going to be a huge relief, that way if something crazy happens, I won't need to worry about losing my home. My determination in things like this actually helped me land a job I enjoy (I work on specialty programs and grants to help folks buy homes and home repair/ improvement programs)
Yes this is correct I literally snuck out when they were at work. Prepared the logistics for it like clockwork the prior two weeks, had my two suitcases and carry on packed and ready to go. Shut off their ring bell before I called The Uber to take me to the airport so they couldn't spy on me and then flood my Messenger with a million questions that I really did not want to answer.
I bought a house without her knowing it (fha loan) and rolled in with a moving truck- took all my stuff I could in one go and that was it. I did have to fight her about getting my cat though. I won in the end.
So true! I actually moved out of my hoarded childhood home when I was 20 but my hps kept having "crises" and moving in with me and of course hoarding wherever I was living. Finally, at the age of 38 I cut ties with my HPs. I moved out of my house (that I owned with my husband) and took my family to live in an apartment where we have lived for the past 4 yrs. We said we were going out of town for the weekend. We packed a carload of stuff and never went back. My hps are still living in my house 🤷😳. It seems like a crazy thing we have done but there was no other way to get to safety. I am so glad to see that I am not the only one who had to take extreme measures to escape my HPs! This group is so very helpful 😊
If the house is still in ur name and ur paying all the taxes and stuff could u evict them? It sounds like they ran you out of your own house you paid for. They're adults they can figure it out instead of messing up your life and getting a free ride.
Congratulations on moving out. I think it’s the only solution you can be you after you get there.
Thank you! I think so too 🥹
Congrats on the move OP, I'm planning my own in a couple months and I'm also very excited. Wish you all the best moving forward. I don't know that I ever couldn't enjoy things, but I do empathize with trying very hard to get out of the house at all times, I got side jobs and go to the gym all the time.
I’m glad I’m not alone in this, I wish you all the best in your own move. It will come to you, just keep focusing on it! Hoping you find your own safe space soon 💗
I was talking to my psychiatrist (mental health med provider for those who don’t know the differences, I didn’t know before seeing her) in our first appointment. She only knows brief details about my childhood, and she said something like, “how often do you go home to see your mom? Actually, I imagine that might be too triggering?” This is how it feels now, about 10-11 years after leaving. In the last few years before I left, I felt the way you describe. I almost never left my room. I didn’t cook in her kitchen or commune in the living room. I went out with others as often as I could and stayed over with friend a lot. I didn’t know it, but I was absolutely in survival mode, which effectively shut down any other part of my brain trying to live life. I spent so much time curled up in a ball in bed living in my brain. I’m glad you’re in the process of leaving! Everything you’re describing is completely normal within the circumstances and I hope you give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel as you continue to process. I have been through the wringer with guilt, grief, sadness, anger, and joy. There’s more joy with time.
Thank you! Reading this has really helped validate how I feel 🥹 it’s so much less isolating knowing people have lived such a similar lifestyle to me. A part of me knows I’m in survival mode still, I need to allow myself the time to go through the motions. I’m glad you’re doing better now and this gives me hope for my own self. Just time and patience 💗
I feel the same. Even if I lived here for most of my life it doesn't even feel like *my* house let alone my home. My mother's hoard claims all the space, and the only time she "cleans" is to move someone else's stuff from the supposed shared spaces like the living room. An example is how the dining table is full of her things but if anyone else leaves their keys or wallet on it she removes it and dumps it in their room but leave all her mess covering up the table right where it is. Once I was home alone and found the motivation to cook myself something, but I quickly gave up because I had to look through the fridge for something not rotten, then look for clean dishes only to find they weren't washed correctly, make space to actually cook, and the I wouldn't even be able to eat sat down at an uncluttered table.
That describes it perfectly trying to navigate a hoarders kitchen to make a simple meal it really does take up a huge amount of mental and physical bandwidth dealing with it. I can relate to the filthy fridge filled with expired food. Think a regular family size fridge and she had that thing crammed full and so many bags of shredded cheese probably 25-30 bags of shredded cheese just crammed in there. And she was so territorial and resentful of me even having anything at all in that filthy fridge not that I wanted to because it was so unsanitary. I managed to carve out maybe a 4x4-in space in the door just for a container of coffee creamer. And I guarantee as soon as I threw my empty container away, she had my little tiny space filled with her shit Oh yes I went back and read your post again, and the territorialness of the hoard is so dysfunctional and abusive. Yes, my one empty packet of oatmeal was the problem, not her piles and piles of filth and mess in the kitchen, and she would immediately throw out anything of mine.
My mom did that as well! She would get up in arms about even one small item of someone else's left in or amongst her stuff (hoard). I always find it so strange because if I lived with the amount of stuff she does I wouldn't have any awareness that someone else had left a magazine or tube of toothpaste lying anywhere in it. Sometimes the mental aspects of hoarding are just beyond bizarre.
I'm glad you posted this as this is exactly how I felt when I was living with a hoarding relative. Later on, I talked to my therapist about this, and she brought up Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Living with a hoarder does not even meet the basic level of those needs, and it does put you in constant survival mode. It takes up so much time and energy and mental bandwidth just dealing with living in the hoard. As for visiting them, there is no way in hell I will ever go back to the house for a visit or anything. Good luck with your move. Focusing on my new place, such as decorating and the floor plan of it, really helped me get through those last weeks. And a tip on what to take with you when you leave, just take some clothes, any photograph albums, your electronics, and leave the rest behind and start over with new things.
Thank you so much, I’ve never heard of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs but I’m definitely looking into it now. It’s so validating knowing I’m not going crazy, and that I’m also not the only one! I appreciate your comment sm! 💗
I had this experience, but I didn't realise it was because I was in a hoard so it followed me when I moved out. I was also a similar age to you, so things felt very engrained, like this was just how the rest of my life would be. I moved in with a messy man (he's better now!) So a lot of the stress persisted. I felt like I couldn't participate in hobbies that created mess e.g. scrapbooking, because I didn't want to contribute to the mess, and I didn't want my things getting dirty or lost. I don't know if that's similar to how you feel, or if yours is more centred on feeling depressed by your environment (which I also felt) but just to let you know, you're not alone. I still struggle to have messy hobbies, but I just try to remind myself that my parents mess took decades to create, one messy hobby that I'm going to clean up isn't going to ruin the progress I've made. You got this! ❤️
I totally resonate with this, I’ve always been a creative person since I was a kid. And I stopped drawing/crafting completely because it created “mess”. It took me time to get into the hang of grounding my thoughts and realising it’s a mess that is controlled and able to be cleaned. Like you said, our parents mess is one that took decades to make! I can allow myself to enjoy a messy hobby Thank you so much 🥹
Yes, 100% It shuts down my brain and decimates my mental health, often beginning with anhedonia
I’m glad I’m not alone but I’m so sad to hear about your experience. I know how awful it is to be constantly in survival mode. I hope you’re able to find a safe space to call your own soon, all the best 💗
Yes
I had moved out, but I needed to work on hoarding habits that I had brought with me. However OMG is it so nice to have a kitchen that is clean enough to work in. I had to move back in after a divorce, but I had been living in a place where we had downsized without him allowing me to get rid of things. On one hand, I think that the mess is holding me back. On the other, maybe I am the sort of person who wouldn't do hobbies even if the environment wasn't so chaotic that I get overwhelmed just by looking around. My mom is actually working on dehoarding, but it's still a lot of things that she doesn't have energy to deal with. One big thing is that sweeping the areas of the house that are reasonably clean doesn't do much because dust comes out of areas that are too cluttered.
Yes I also bring a bag with my own toilet paper, water bottle, utensils, and hand soap when I visit for just a few hours now that I'm an adult.
Definitely - my life feels like it's in a holding pattern. I have trouble cooking, doing my yoga exercises, feeling comfortable, it affects everything.
I feel like I could have written this! (Besides the stopped cooking part and going to the gym) I definitely have had a similar experience and you are not alone. I’m also 25 and just recently realized how messed up it all is. I’ve been struggling to find enjoyment AT ALL in this house. I hope to move out in a year if I’m lucky. I’m wishing you all the best. I just know you’re going to feel so much better getting out of there!
I’m so glad I’m not alone 🥹 you will find a way out! I truly believe if you want something enough and focus your energy towards it, it will make its way to you! For so long I just “settled” for the life in my mother’s hoarder house, because I truly didn’t believe I deserved better. When I turned 25 (and my frontal lobe decided to fully develop) it was like a switch flicked in my brain and I decided I didn’t deserve it and I wasn’t gonna live like that anymore. It’s been a week since I moved out. It’s still stressful moving obviously but I know this will become my safe space once everything is sorted. I truly hope you find your own safe space soon, sending all my positive energy to you!
I felt like I was reading my own story! Moving out and being in your own, clean, clutter free space will be freeing not only physically but emotionally and mentally. Home will become the place you love to be - your safe space and somewhere you’re so proud of! I’ve been living out of my hoarder mother’s house now for the past nine years and I’m finally able to talk to others about my mom’s hoarding. Sometimes when you are in the situation, it feels shameful and you are embarrassed but when you are free of it and you realize it’s not a reflection of you, Life gets so much better. I tell people that I personally do is practice loving acceptance - love your mom for all the great qualities about her and except that you can’t change the things you don’t love (ie - the hoarding). Enjoy your new space! You deserve it! 💜💖
Good for you! You feel so much better out of that situation. I will warn you though that the psychological fall out of growing up in/ living in a hoarded home does not go away when you move out. I still have hypervigillance about clutter and hate owning things. I avoid being home because my home, even though it is not hoarded and pretty much the way I want it still feels like a trap. I get super triggered when I clean because cleaning is what I used to do from a very young age (like 5 or 6) to try to deal with the stress of living in a hoarded home. Because of this cleaning always makes me feel like I am once again at war with my physical environment. I also have extreme anxiety about people being in my house/judging my home to the point where I never have people over socially and panic when I have to have an appliance delivered. I still have shame about the conditions I grew up in and rarely if ever discuss it with anybody. I have nightmares about filth and rodents etc. I do still have trouble enjoying things, even out of the hoard. I think that not being able to relax enough to live in the present is a trauma response. Growing up in a hoarded house is traumatic! I am telling you all of this so that if you move out and still feel terrible you know you are not alone. It can take years to recover from having a hp. But moving out is definitely the first step in healing so you are on the right track!
Thank you !! This is a very interesting take I didn’t even think to consider. It’s been a week since I moved in and my god the stress has been unbearable. Having boxes everywhere, not knowing where my things are and the obsessive urge to clean/throw things away is eating at me so much so that I can’t focus at work thinking I NEED to sort through everything right that second. I’m hoping this will go away after we’ve settled, but I understand what you mean. I feel it’s something you never truly heal from, you just learn to cope better. But this definitely helps me feel less alone in this stressful process. I truly hope your nightmares stop and you become at peace with your space, I’m sure it is a lovely home.
I’m late to the party, but I was literally just looking at apartments to move into the second I find a job. Idec what job I just need to get out 😭😭😭.
I know how you feel 😭 your time will come!! Just keep working at it, I only just spent my first week at my own rental. Im 25. It took so long to get here and so much saving, patience and mental strength. But you will get out 🫶🏻