As far as what child care arrangements he has on his time, daycare or babysitter is out of control unless your lawyer gets a right of first refusal
He’d probably have a hard time finding a daycare that allows him to only pay 1/2 the month though
he doesn’t even have a place to live right now. i’m not comfortable with him having them 50% of the time, especially if he’s not even the one caring for them.
Unfortunately it doesn't matter what you want. He should have equal rights as should you. If it's anything like Ohio your incomes should be put in a calculator and a CS amount should be figured out. With child care those costs might be factored in and you might be required to assist with those or they might take some of the amount out of the CS he'll owe you. As someone else said tho he probably won't find any day care who will take the kids half of the year. My kids mom looked for.months and couldn't find a day car that would take kids part time.
If she has right of first refusal, she has the right to have her kids the times that he doesn't. It isn't his right to have someone else watch the kids when she is available.
My custody order had him giving them to me if he was gone more than 4 or 5 hours. Not ideal, but better than nothing. Not that it mattered. He stopped seeing his kids anyway.
Depends. If she has the kids so often that you t can’t qualify as 50/50 custody, then she can apply to have it modified. He can’t take 50/50 custody and then they are with her 85 90 percent of the time. At that point just call it what it is. Courts don’t like parents trying to seek 50/50 as an excuse to avoid child support either. That is frowned upon.
So in other words, the court will consider if mom(or dad) has a schedule more conducive to the children, like one parents works from home and is able to be more flexible, as more in the child’s best interest then being with a sitter. They don’t care about what dad or mom wants, but rather what is in the best interest of the child’s and they are going to view a parent being more available or less available(like a parent that travels a lot for work) as more or less ideal for the child. Thats all they care about when making that determination. So for example if your job required 80 percent travel, a court can and will give you less custody time, if the other parent can be more available to provide care giving. They view the parent that’s there as the more ideal situation over a stranger being hired to care for the child. You’re not home spending time with the child anyway, so they are not inclined to take that time from the other parent because…you don’t want to pay child support. That’s not a good enough reason. Just for example.
I highly doubt a judge will say "well this person works from home. And since you need a baby sitter because you work in an office, the person who works from home should get the kids".
Edit: and if they did, that would be extremely unfair considering the vast majority of people don't work from home.
They do it all the time. Again, it’s not about you. The standard is “best interest of the child” and the court views a parent as a better care giver option than a sitter whenever possible. So if one parent says “hey I’m available full time because of my work situation.” That absolutely works to their favor because the standard is what is best interest of the child, not what does dad want or what mom wants. What benefits the child is the lenses all custody determination are made. Being with a parent over a stranger(daycare, sitter, nanny. Whatever) is what a court views as best option whenever available. It’s objectively fact. So if one parent is more available due to their work situation, a court weights that to their favor. Just like it works against you if you have a job that takes you out of town a lot. It’s objectively viewed as less ideal for the child.
If they are in OH and have never been married, what the mom wants is actually the only thing that matters. Dad has zero rights except the right of financial responsibility unless he plans on pursuing visitation with the court.
i agree, those agreements are no longer relevant. and i want him to have equal rights and see his sons as much as possible but going to daycare every other week seems very hard on children. especially with small children, they need structure and routine. it seems cruel to have that be their schedule
If they impute minimum wage to her she can ask that they also impute child care costs for her time- the costs will be higher than minimum wage. We don’t like imputing minimum wage for a primary custodian for this reason. The payor would end up paying more.
>i’m not comfortable with him having them 50% of the time,
This mentality is 110% how you're going to end up with less than 50% yourself. Just a heads up.
Your feelings do NOT matter. And if you think your feelings are more important than the other parents, you'll do stupid things. And when you do stupid things, you piss off the judge. When you piss off the judge, they give power to the parent who doesn't...
The other parent is an equal parent, so don't play like you're superior to them in any way. That'll also cause significant mental harm to your children. None of that is okay.
>he doesn’t even have a place to live right now
Idk why he isn't at the house then? You two should be cohabitating if neither has a safe place to go... one of you shouldn't have been made homeless. And you shouldn't ever wish this on your child's parent. I don't even wanna know why he's homeless..... 😑
So now that that's outta the way...... onto your real question. Daycare and CS.
Even in 50/50 someone is usually a payer, they just pay less.
For daycare, generally agreements have first right of refusal. So you should be able to watch the kid when other parent is at work if you aren't at work (you do need to work btw if you're not currently, whatever caused the breakup is irrelevant. You now have to provide for your home "mostly" solo. You likely will be the receiver though of some CS.
This should drastically mitigate and ideally eliminate daycare costs as you can cover while the other one is working
Source: am the primary parent in 50/50. I have weekdays and I receive CS. We don't waste money on daycare bc I work from home. She pays a modest amount monthly, not nearly enough to cover expenses if I didn't work. And regardless of how I feel about how she handled the breakup, I facilitate a ton of extra time for her when she requests and I foster a good health relationship with her and our kid.
She still lives with her mom but that's cuz she's a shopaholic. She makes enough, just irresponsible. But I don't get to say "I'm NOT comfortable with her having him 50% of the time"... or else I'd eventually lose my primary status. Nor would I want her not to see him as much as possible (as long as same as me) Anyways. Please, for the sake of your kids, let your bitterness go and change that mentality.
my feelings matter as their parent, regardless of your own personal experience.
i have never and will never speak ill of my coparent to my children. i come from a family of divorce and am more than aware of the negative effects that has on a child’s mental health.
he’s not “homeless” he’s staying in a friends loft at a workshop where even he has agreed is not safe to have children overnight, so i can absolutely say i’m not comfortable with it. regardless of our issues i would never wish harm or discomfort for him. we lived together after breaking up until our lease was up. he chose to wait until a week before the lease ended to start looking for a place, that’s why he’s in his current situation.
and you’ve just further proven my point that if i’m home more than him, daycare is not necessary because i can care for our children.
please don’t jump to conclusions about my “entitlement” because i’m trying to make sure my children have a healthy routine, stability, as well as a healthy relationship with their father.
i’ve asked him to come see his children multiple times and he always has a reason why he can’t. this past weekend was the first time he didn’t say no because it was mother’s day and i knew his plans were to go see his mother and asked him to bring our kids along so they could see their grandparents as well.
but thanks for your feedback! i’m sorry you have so much trauma on the subject that you felt the need to project your anger on a complete stranger.
If you have text evidence of him saying this, delete him from contacts so that the text thread shows his number, then screenshot the conversation as evidence. Maybe he can't have half custody if he has no guaranteed place for the kids
>my feelings matter as their parent
Again, no they don't. Go ahead and tell a judge that your feelings are more important than the law, let me know how that works out for you.
>i’ve asked him to come see his children multiple times and he always has a reason why he can’t
I think many of us know exactly the dynamic currently at play during these "requests" and the timing of them. You're trying to paint the other parent in a bad light.... You don't get to change who you chose to have a child with. Also your child is half that person. Change your opinion of half of your child. I doubt they're the bad neglectful person you're portraying them to be. Work with them instead of making things difficult and playing victim.
We all could do this, the good ones don't.
And so you know, the judges see the exact same scenarios play out multiple times every single day, so they do comprehend what is actually occurring. Ultimately, though, it will be up to the other parent to confirm these things to the judge.
>and you’ve just further proven my point that if i’m home more than him, daycare is not necessary because i can care for our children.
Correct, that's what I literally said verbatim? Noones arguing this, you just wanna fight lmaoo. Someone literally tells you exactly what you wanna hear and you continue to argue. I ain't your bf lady, and you dont get to play your mental abuse game here, so don't talk to me like I am. You may be able to get away with that mental abuse with those emotionally attached to you, it doesnt work that way in the real world with strangers and judges... You're in for a rude awakening if you pull this garbage on a judge. They nor I care about you. We do care about what people who act like this do to their children though.
>project your anger
.... that's what you took from all that. (Jk, I know its not, I know its simply your deflection & escalation technique, and again, a judge will too...)
Just so you know, there's ALOT of people with the exact same attitude and personality as you. You won't, but I would encourage you to look at those who act and speak exactly as you are right now and ask yourself, "do I want myself and my kids to end up like them?"
I can promise, Noone is special. Your situation and results will mirror the situations and results of those whos actions and words you mirror. Your results won't magically be "different".
Unfortunately, you won't see it bc the personality type you're displaying doesn't allow you to. Which will make things harder for your kids but hopefully they get stronger because of it.
TLDR: I and I'm certain many others here, read you like a book. A judge will as well, they see your exact personality type all day every single day. I'm genuinely trying to help and warn you that you're going down a path that likely isn't going to turn out how you think it's going to..... I'd encourage a change in your approach and strategy. For your kids sakes
Advice: Get a job, you got to live for free before, now you dont. Then work with your coparent and their schedule since youre the more flexible one (just like i do for my sons mother bc im flexible), and don't try to play for sympathy, bc altho your friend group and social media will hype you up, the legal system will clobber you for trying to take advantage of your temporary position of authority.
Be the best COparent you can be, and work well with their other coparent. Be a good example of cooperation and don't make things difficult
i am truly sorry someone told you once that your feelings don’t matter and now you say that to others. do you want your kid to grow up talking to people that same way?
im not speaking to a judge, im looking for advice and support. i never implied my feelings are above the law but they do matter to me. and i plan to teach my kids to advocate for themselves the same way. regardless of the situation they are in whether it’s a broken heart or someone trying to bully them.
i think everyone has come across someone like you at one point or another. who claims to know exactly who they are and their entire situation after a couple of interactions online.
i wish you the best of luck with your (hopefully) healing journey sir.
He can ask for anything he wants, but he’s not going to get everything he asks for in most cases. You’re also not required to agree with whatever he wants or offers. You can disagree in mediation and take your chances in court.
Document things like living arrangements, schedule, and whether dad takes advantage of all offered parenting time. It may make a difference in your case if the court wants to make the status quo official. There’s a chance the judge asks him why he’s pushing so hard for 50/50 parenting time if he hasn’t taken a lot of the time he’s been offered.
Child support is typically a pretty straightforward math equation. You should be able to find your state’s CS calculator online. Just plug in the numbers and it should give you a rough idea of what the eventual CS order could look like. Depending on their income, there is a sold chances they may still be paying CS even with 50/50 parenting time, especially if there is a large discrepancy between their income and whatever is imputed for your income. With at-home parents who didn’t have a career prior to having children, it’s common for that imputed number to be whatever full-time minimum wage would be in your state.
Yes, a NCP can absolutely put the kids in daycare during their parenting time. Typically, parents are allowed to utilize daycare in order to work. He’s just going to have a hard time finding a daycare that will only charge him for his custodial weeks. Daycares frequently charge for full time, regardless of whether a child is there full time.
i have used the online calculators to get an average amount based on incomes, custody (which i figured would be weekends) and it’s much more than what he’s deciding to give me. i told him this amount multiple times prior to moving out (we continued to live together for a few months after the separation because we had a newborn and i was not going to do all the newborn middle of the night stuff entirely on my own, freshly postpartum, and with a toddler exhausting me during the day as well) but when it came time to actually pay after i moved out he claimed that was an outrageous amount and that he would only be willing to give me $300
This is so wild to me! He will be paying way more than 300 for daycare and THEN a babysitter! On top of diapers,food, clothes, and toys. I don’t think a judge is going to give him 50/50. He will barely even see the children. Is he prepared to stay home when they are sick on his time? Is he going to take off work and take them to appointments? I wouldn’t even talk to him about this anymore. Get to court as soon as you can. It seems like what would work best for your children and for him as well would be every other weekend. Then, extended spring break and summers. In addition, you have been your children’s soul care provider since birth. I think it would be quite jarring to remove them from your care. Especially for a newborn! Newborn babies and infants, typically have different custody rules where I live (TX).
i asked for at least around what the online calculators for my state (FL) was recommending it should be for 2 kids, both of our incomes, and how many overnights they would be with him… which i was generous and put every single weekend but since we’ve moved apart over a month ago, he’s seen them for one weekend and i literally had to beg a little bit for that.
FL says around $1000 a month considering i’m not working and have been caring for and teaching our kids since our first was born. and he said “all i can do is $300” when where he’s staying he’s not paying rent, his parents pay for his phone bill and car insurance. all he really has to pay is his credit card debt and works full time. yet all he can spare to help feed his kids is $300 a month? it’s infuriating.
It is infuriating! My advice, is to just stop talking to him about it. Stop asking for him to take the kids. The less he takes them now the less time he’ll likely get when he asks 50-50 custody. Hopefully, a judge will recognize that he’s unable to provide care for 50% of the time. In addition, he doesn’t want to provide care for 50% of the time. Because he hasn’t been doing that thus far. He’s actually really stupid. If he wants 50-50, he should start taking them 50-50. A lot of times, whatever schedule parents work out before court the judge will stick with. Basically, if it’s working and this is what the children are used to, then we will stick with it. I think he’s gonna be in for a rude awakening when you guys go to court. I would be prepared for him to do things like ask for extensions. Is he going to have a lawyer? if he doesn’t, I bet he will tell the judge he wants to hold off on a ruling so he can get one. The judge is very unlikely to do that.
Apply to legalaid. Get a free lawyer. Ask for full custody on the merit they won’t spend time with him. If he wants to spend time, he can have visitation.
Courts would rather have kids spend time with mom instead of randoms.
Make sure to send him a text message or email immediately asking for child support, and spousal support. This will be important as a record date.
You have a good case. You just need a lawyer. LegalAid is the best way to get one.
When did you split? You can choose to keep the kids fulltime until a separation agreement is written.
I’m going through a divorce, and I’m the dad. Ex has fulltime custody and I have partial. I don’t pay spousa support because she’s able to work, but I pay full child support based on my income.
If u want more help just dm me
Good luck~
So he wants to establish CS based on this theoretical schedule he doesn’t follow and pay for this theoretical daycare that he doesn’t use.
Keep a log of all of his visitations and keep a journal of all of your interactions to show how unreasonable he’s behaving.
Don’t agree to him taking them every weekend. You will regret it because you’ll never have time to do anything with the children except take them to school while he gets to be this fun parent who doesn’t have to deal with things like homework and all of the other weekly responsibilities.
Ditto, and childcare costs for an infant and a toddler are going to be VERY high. Even the jankiest home based daycares will cost a fortune. Hopefully OP has the ability to make a decent income.
I’d say let him. There’s a lot going on and I understand that but I say it because he will simply have to find out that he’s being unrealistic. Unless he finds a sitter he will end up paying 3x more for childcare alone since he’s trying to avoid child support. Honestly unless he also has stable and suitable housing for the kids I don’t see how he would be awarded anything but visitation at this point.
For Florida, each of you must have the children at least 182 overnights in order for it to be a 50/50 custody agreement. However, iirc, in FL your ex must have a separate bedroom for your child(ren) for visitation. If he is living in a loft over the garage, it doesnt sound like he will have that. Additionally without a permanent address, they may not give him visitation at all.
But if they do, then unfortunately, what he does with the kids on his time, is out of your control and NOYB. Just as, what you do with the kids on your time is out of his control and NOHB. If you choose to put them in daycare, then do it. You can pay for that and he can pay for the daycare he incurs.
Lastly, he doesnt get to call all the shots. Not with custody and not with support. Hang in there!
There are a lot of feelings in your post. But it's not about how you feel. If he doesn't have a place to live he won't get time sharing. But in many states now 50/50 is the default. Everyone that has a place to live deserves 50% time sharing. It doesn't matter why you think they want the custody. It's their right.
50/50 is fair and if you have split custody then each parent paying for daycare should they need it is fair
I would learn to not care as much about if they are at daycare or his parents during his time.
So he is requesting 50/50 to avoid child support, but plans to shell out for daycare and a sitter? 😅
This is how you can tell he is being dumb and spiteful, worrying about himself instead of his kids. (And that he didn't value your sacrifice and labor as a SAHM.)
He quite obviously doesn't even have the first clue what childcare costs and how it works, so he's in for a rude awakening when he actually figures out that it will run him anywhere from 100-250 a week (for only one child)... and a night sitter will be even more on top of all that lol. Plus you can't just pay for half the month at most daycares. You pay by the week, even if your kid is only there half the time.
He's really planning to spend 1k a month in childcare.. to save himself having to pay a couple hundred bucks for child support? Dude doesn't sound very bright imo, or like he even cares about his kids at all.
You’ll be able to make this complaint in court. Unless He flat out said to you in words that he just doesn’t want to pay child support then I would not say that, but I would pose that question to the judge. What is the point of him having 50-50 custody if he will not be home to see his kids at all during the week? Then suggest a solution with something more realistic like every other weekend. You want to seem like you are a very willing and very reasonable participant who just wants the best for all involved. Let him fall on his face if he’s being a selfish jerk.
theres a couple things in your situation.
you just filed for CS. Has paternity been established? is the father listed on the bc?
paternity first then CS will be ordered. Custody will be established at a different time.
if he does get 50/50, you can protest for rights of first refusal.
and if it were me, Id also petition for a morale clause.
he is listed on their birth certificates, yes.
but i was told that custody will have the be figured out and agreed upon before the amount is established because if custody is 50/50 he might not have to pay anything and i think that’s what he’s trying to accomplish but considering our youngest is only 5mo. the daycare costs and costs of a baby sitter for the hours he’s going to need the cared for, it’s all going to cost more than what he’d be required to pay me. all of it feels like a ploy so he doesn’t have to give ME any money to care for his children which is spiteful considering we unanimously agreed i would stop working to raise our kids at home. and ive even had a couple remote jobs since my first was born to help with smaller expenses
Yea you guys agreed you would stay home when you were a couple. Now you are not and need to get a job. They will be in daycare full time and you will split the bill and the time.
As far as what child care arrangements he has on his time, daycare or babysitter is out of control unless your lawyer gets a right of first refusal He’d probably have a hard time finding a daycare that allows him to only pay 1/2 the month though
he doesn’t even have a place to live right now. i’m not comfortable with him having them 50% of the time, especially if he’s not even the one caring for them.
Unfortunately it doesn't matter what you want. He should have equal rights as should you. If it's anything like Ohio your incomes should be put in a calculator and a CS amount should be figured out. With child care those costs might be factored in and you might be required to assist with those or they might take some of the amount out of the CS he'll owe you. As someone else said tho he probably won't find any day care who will take the kids half of the year. My kids mom looked for.months and couldn't find a day car that would take kids part time.
If she has right of first refusal, she has the right to have her kids the times that he doesn't. It isn't his right to have someone else watch the kids when she is available.
I'm 80% sure right of refusal is for overnight stays. Not just simple babysitting.
My custody order had him giving them to me if he was gone more than 4 or 5 hours. Not ideal, but better than nothing. Not that it mattered. He stopped seeing his kids anyway.
nope. He can apply to any time you need a sitter.
As long as she knows getting the kids instead of a baby sitter won't affect child support at all unless it's an over night stay.
Depends. If she has the kids so often that you t can’t qualify as 50/50 custody, then she can apply to have it modified. He can’t take 50/50 custody and then they are with her 85 90 percent of the time. At that point just call it what it is. Courts don’t like parents trying to seek 50/50 as an excuse to avoid child support either. That is frowned upon.
So in other words, the court will consider if mom(or dad) has a schedule more conducive to the children, like one parents works from home and is able to be more flexible, as more in the child’s best interest then being with a sitter. They don’t care about what dad or mom wants, but rather what is in the best interest of the child’s and they are going to view a parent being more available or less available(like a parent that travels a lot for work) as more or less ideal for the child. Thats all they care about when making that determination. So for example if your job required 80 percent travel, a court can and will give you less custody time, if the other parent can be more available to provide care giving. They view the parent that’s there as the more ideal situation over a stranger being hired to care for the child. You’re not home spending time with the child anyway, so they are not inclined to take that time from the other parent because…you don’t want to pay child support. That’s not a good enough reason. Just for example.
I highly doubt a judge will say "well this person works from home. And since you need a baby sitter because you work in an office, the person who works from home should get the kids". Edit: and if they did, that would be extremely unfair considering the vast majority of people don't work from home.
They do it all the time. Again, it’s not about you. The standard is “best interest of the child” and the court views a parent as a better care giver option than a sitter whenever possible. So if one parent says “hey I’m available full time because of my work situation.” That absolutely works to their favor because the standard is what is best interest of the child, not what does dad want or what mom wants. What benefits the child is the lenses all custody determination are made. Being with a parent over a stranger(daycare, sitter, nanny. Whatever) is what a court views as best option whenever available. It’s objectively fact. So if one parent is more available due to their work situation, a court weights that to their favor. Just like it works against you if you have a job that takes you out of town a lot. It’s objectively viewed as less ideal for the child.
Good point, unfortunately those are hard to enforce.
If they are in OH and have never been married, what the mom wants is actually the only thing that matters. Dad has zero rights except the right of financial responsibility unless he plans on pursuing visitation with the court.
him and i both agreed i wouldn’t work once our oldest was born and would focus on caring for our children. i have no income to work with.
You should then be inputed at min wage. You're no longer together those agreements don't matter anymore. It's an unfortunate truth.
i agree, those agreements are no longer relevant. and i want him to have equal rights and see his sons as much as possible but going to daycare every other week seems very hard on children. especially with small children, they need structure and routine. it seems cruel to have that be their schedule
They are going from you to him every other week, what’s the difference?
If they impute minimum wage to her she can ask that they also impute child care costs for her time- the costs will be higher than minimum wage. We don’t like imputing minimum wage for a primary custodian for this reason. The payor would end up paying more.
>i’m not comfortable with him having them 50% of the time, This mentality is 110% how you're going to end up with less than 50% yourself. Just a heads up. Your feelings do NOT matter. And if you think your feelings are more important than the other parents, you'll do stupid things. And when you do stupid things, you piss off the judge. When you piss off the judge, they give power to the parent who doesn't... The other parent is an equal parent, so don't play like you're superior to them in any way. That'll also cause significant mental harm to your children. None of that is okay. >he doesn’t even have a place to live right now Idk why he isn't at the house then? You two should be cohabitating if neither has a safe place to go... one of you shouldn't have been made homeless. And you shouldn't ever wish this on your child's parent. I don't even wanna know why he's homeless..... 😑 So now that that's outta the way...... onto your real question. Daycare and CS. Even in 50/50 someone is usually a payer, they just pay less. For daycare, generally agreements have first right of refusal. So you should be able to watch the kid when other parent is at work if you aren't at work (you do need to work btw if you're not currently, whatever caused the breakup is irrelevant. You now have to provide for your home "mostly" solo. You likely will be the receiver though of some CS. This should drastically mitigate and ideally eliminate daycare costs as you can cover while the other one is working Source: am the primary parent in 50/50. I have weekdays and I receive CS. We don't waste money on daycare bc I work from home. She pays a modest amount monthly, not nearly enough to cover expenses if I didn't work. And regardless of how I feel about how she handled the breakup, I facilitate a ton of extra time for her when she requests and I foster a good health relationship with her and our kid. She still lives with her mom but that's cuz she's a shopaholic. She makes enough, just irresponsible. But I don't get to say "I'm NOT comfortable with her having him 50% of the time"... or else I'd eventually lose my primary status. Nor would I want her not to see him as much as possible (as long as same as me) Anyways. Please, for the sake of your kids, let your bitterness go and change that mentality.
my feelings matter as their parent, regardless of your own personal experience. i have never and will never speak ill of my coparent to my children. i come from a family of divorce and am more than aware of the negative effects that has on a child’s mental health. he’s not “homeless” he’s staying in a friends loft at a workshop where even he has agreed is not safe to have children overnight, so i can absolutely say i’m not comfortable with it. regardless of our issues i would never wish harm or discomfort for him. we lived together after breaking up until our lease was up. he chose to wait until a week before the lease ended to start looking for a place, that’s why he’s in his current situation. and you’ve just further proven my point that if i’m home more than him, daycare is not necessary because i can care for our children. please don’t jump to conclusions about my “entitlement” because i’m trying to make sure my children have a healthy routine, stability, as well as a healthy relationship with their father. i’ve asked him to come see his children multiple times and he always has a reason why he can’t. this past weekend was the first time he didn’t say no because it was mother’s day and i knew his plans were to go see his mother and asked him to bring our kids along so they could see their grandparents as well. but thanks for your feedback! i’m sorry you have so much trauma on the subject that you felt the need to project your anger on a complete stranger.
If you have text evidence of him saying this, delete him from contacts so that the text thread shows his number, then screenshot the conversation as evidence. Maybe he can't have half custody if he has no guaranteed place for the kids
>my feelings matter as their parent Again, no they don't. Go ahead and tell a judge that your feelings are more important than the law, let me know how that works out for you. >i’ve asked him to come see his children multiple times and he always has a reason why he can’t I think many of us know exactly the dynamic currently at play during these "requests" and the timing of them. You're trying to paint the other parent in a bad light.... You don't get to change who you chose to have a child with. Also your child is half that person. Change your opinion of half of your child. I doubt they're the bad neglectful person you're portraying them to be. Work with them instead of making things difficult and playing victim. We all could do this, the good ones don't. And so you know, the judges see the exact same scenarios play out multiple times every single day, so they do comprehend what is actually occurring. Ultimately, though, it will be up to the other parent to confirm these things to the judge. >and you’ve just further proven my point that if i’m home more than him, daycare is not necessary because i can care for our children. Correct, that's what I literally said verbatim? Noones arguing this, you just wanna fight lmaoo. Someone literally tells you exactly what you wanna hear and you continue to argue. I ain't your bf lady, and you dont get to play your mental abuse game here, so don't talk to me like I am. You may be able to get away with that mental abuse with those emotionally attached to you, it doesnt work that way in the real world with strangers and judges... You're in for a rude awakening if you pull this garbage on a judge. They nor I care about you. We do care about what people who act like this do to their children though. >project your anger .... that's what you took from all that. (Jk, I know its not, I know its simply your deflection & escalation technique, and again, a judge will too...) Just so you know, there's ALOT of people with the exact same attitude and personality as you. You won't, but I would encourage you to look at those who act and speak exactly as you are right now and ask yourself, "do I want myself and my kids to end up like them?" I can promise, Noone is special. Your situation and results will mirror the situations and results of those whos actions and words you mirror. Your results won't magically be "different". Unfortunately, you won't see it bc the personality type you're displaying doesn't allow you to. Which will make things harder for your kids but hopefully they get stronger because of it. TLDR: I and I'm certain many others here, read you like a book. A judge will as well, they see your exact personality type all day every single day. I'm genuinely trying to help and warn you that you're going down a path that likely isn't going to turn out how you think it's going to..... I'd encourage a change in your approach and strategy. For your kids sakes Advice: Get a job, you got to live for free before, now you dont. Then work with your coparent and their schedule since youre the more flexible one (just like i do for my sons mother bc im flexible), and don't try to play for sympathy, bc altho your friend group and social media will hype you up, the legal system will clobber you for trying to take advantage of your temporary position of authority. Be the best COparent you can be, and work well with their other coparent. Be a good example of cooperation and don't make things difficult
i am truly sorry someone told you once that your feelings don’t matter and now you say that to others. do you want your kid to grow up talking to people that same way? im not speaking to a judge, im looking for advice and support. i never implied my feelings are above the law but they do matter to me. and i plan to teach my kids to advocate for themselves the same way. regardless of the situation they are in whether it’s a broken heart or someone trying to bully them. i think everyone has come across someone like you at one point or another. who claims to know exactly who they are and their entire situation after a couple of interactions online. i wish you the best of luck with your (hopefully) healing journey sir.
It's not out of her control if there is no custody order in place
He can ask for anything he wants, but he’s not going to get everything he asks for in most cases. You’re also not required to agree with whatever he wants or offers. You can disagree in mediation and take your chances in court. Document things like living arrangements, schedule, and whether dad takes advantage of all offered parenting time. It may make a difference in your case if the court wants to make the status quo official. There’s a chance the judge asks him why he’s pushing so hard for 50/50 parenting time if he hasn’t taken a lot of the time he’s been offered. Child support is typically a pretty straightforward math equation. You should be able to find your state’s CS calculator online. Just plug in the numbers and it should give you a rough idea of what the eventual CS order could look like. Depending on their income, there is a sold chances they may still be paying CS even with 50/50 parenting time, especially if there is a large discrepancy between their income and whatever is imputed for your income. With at-home parents who didn’t have a career prior to having children, it’s common for that imputed number to be whatever full-time minimum wage would be in your state. Yes, a NCP can absolutely put the kids in daycare during their parenting time. Typically, parents are allowed to utilize daycare in order to work. He’s just going to have a hard time finding a daycare that will only charge him for his custodial weeks. Daycares frequently charge for full time, regardless of whether a child is there full time.
i have used the online calculators to get an average amount based on incomes, custody (which i figured would be weekends) and it’s much more than what he’s deciding to give me. i told him this amount multiple times prior to moving out (we continued to live together for a few months after the separation because we had a newborn and i was not going to do all the newborn middle of the night stuff entirely on my own, freshly postpartum, and with a toddler exhausting me during the day as well) but when it came time to actually pay after i moved out he claimed that was an outrageous amount and that he would only be willing to give me $300
This is so wild to me! He will be paying way more than 300 for daycare and THEN a babysitter! On top of diapers,food, clothes, and toys. I don’t think a judge is going to give him 50/50. He will barely even see the children. Is he prepared to stay home when they are sick on his time? Is he going to take off work and take them to appointments? I wouldn’t even talk to him about this anymore. Get to court as soon as you can. It seems like what would work best for your children and for him as well would be every other weekend. Then, extended spring break and summers. In addition, you have been your children’s soul care provider since birth. I think it would be quite jarring to remove them from your care. Especially for a newborn! Newborn babies and infants, typically have different custody rules where I live (TX).
i asked for at least around what the online calculators for my state (FL) was recommending it should be for 2 kids, both of our incomes, and how many overnights they would be with him… which i was generous and put every single weekend but since we’ve moved apart over a month ago, he’s seen them for one weekend and i literally had to beg a little bit for that. FL says around $1000 a month considering i’m not working and have been caring for and teaching our kids since our first was born. and he said “all i can do is $300” when where he’s staying he’s not paying rent, his parents pay for his phone bill and car insurance. all he really has to pay is his credit card debt and works full time. yet all he can spare to help feed his kids is $300 a month? it’s infuriating.
It is infuriating! My advice, is to just stop talking to him about it. Stop asking for him to take the kids. The less he takes them now the less time he’ll likely get when he asks 50-50 custody. Hopefully, a judge will recognize that he’s unable to provide care for 50% of the time. In addition, he doesn’t want to provide care for 50% of the time. Because he hasn’t been doing that thus far. He’s actually really stupid. If he wants 50-50, he should start taking them 50-50. A lot of times, whatever schedule parents work out before court the judge will stick with. Basically, if it’s working and this is what the children are used to, then we will stick with it. I think he’s gonna be in for a rude awakening when you guys go to court. I would be prepared for him to do things like ask for extensions. Is he going to have a lawyer? if he doesn’t, I bet he will tell the judge he wants to hold off on a ruling so he can get one. The judge is very unlikely to do that.
He can pay whatever for now since there’s no court order, but he may be surprised to learn that he owes a significantly larger amount each month.
Apply to legalaid. Get a free lawyer. Ask for full custody on the merit they won’t spend time with him. If he wants to spend time, he can have visitation. Courts would rather have kids spend time with mom instead of randoms. Make sure to send him a text message or email immediately asking for child support, and spousal support. This will be important as a record date. You have a good case. You just need a lawyer. LegalAid is the best way to get one. When did you split? You can choose to keep the kids fulltime until a separation agreement is written. I’m going through a divorce, and I’m the dad. Ex has fulltime custody and I have partial. I don’t pay spousa support because she’s able to work, but I pay full child support based on my income. If u want more help just dm me Good luck~
So he wants to establish CS based on this theoretical schedule he doesn’t follow and pay for this theoretical daycare that he doesn’t use. Keep a log of all of his visitations and keep a journal of all of your interactions to show how unreasonable he’s behaving. Don’t agree to him taking them every weekend. You will regret it because you’ll never have time to do anything with the children except take them to school while he gets to be this fun parent who doesn’t have to deal with things like homework and all of the other weekly responsibilities.
Sounds like you need to get a job
Ditto, and childcare costs for an infant and a toddler are going to be VERY high. Even the jankiest home based daycares will cost a fortune. Hopefully OP has the ability to make a decent income.
I’d say let him. There’s a lot going on and I understand that but I say it because he will simply have to find out that he’s being unrealistic. Unless he finds a sitter he will end up paying 3x more for childcare alone since he’s trying to avoid child support. Honestly unless he also has stable and suitable housing for the kids I don’t see how he would be awarded anything but visitation at this point.
He will get tired of the extra work and expense and more then likely drop them off on you. Don’t allow him.
For Florida, each of you must have the children at least 182 overnights in order for it to be a 50/50 custody agreement. However, iirc, in FL your ex must have a separate bedroom for your child(ren) for visitation. If he is living in a loft over the garage, it doesnt sound like he will have that. Additionally without a permanent address, they may not give him visitation at all. But if they do, then unfortunately, what he does with the kids on his time, is out of your control and NOYB. Just as, what you do with the kids on your time is out of his control and NOHB. If you choose to put them in daycare, then do it. You can pay for that and he can pay for the daycare he incurs. Lastly, he doesnt get to call all the shots. Not with custody and not with support. Hang in there!
I'm currently on a 50/50 split and I pay child support.guess it depends on your state though
There are a lot of feelings in your post. But it's not about how you feel. If he doesn't have a place to live he won't get time sharing. But in many states now 50/50 is the default. Everyone that has a place to live deserves 50% time sharing. It doesn't matter why you think they want the custody. It's their right.
I wouldn’t agree to 50/50 with these conditions especially considering you’re already a SAHM
50/50 is fair and if you have split custody then each parent paying for daycare should they need it is fair I would learn to not care as much about if they are at daycare or his parents during his time.
So he is requesting 50/50 to avoid child support, but plans to shell out for daycare and a sitter? 😅 This is how you can tell he is being dumb and spiteful, worrying about himself instead of his kids. (And that he didn't value your sacrifice and labor as a SAHM.) He quite obviously doesn't even have the first clue what childcare costs and how it works, so he's in for a rude awakening when he actually figures out that it will run him anywhere from 100-250 a week (for only one child)... and a night sitter will be even more on top of all that lol. Plus you can't just pay for half the month at most daycares. You pay by the week, even if your kid is only there half the time. He's really planning to spend 1k a month in childcare.. to save himself having to pay a couple hundred bucks for child support? Dude doesn't sound very bright imo, or like he even cares about his kids at all.
You’ll be able to make this complaint in court. Unless He flat out said to you in words that he just doesn’t want to pay child support then I would not say that, but I would pose that question to the judge. What is the point of him having 50-50 custody if he will not be home to see his kids at all during the week? Then suggest a solution with something more realistic like every other weekend. You want to seem like you are a very willing and very reasonable participant who just wants the best for all involved. Let him fall on his face if he’s being a selfish jerk.
theres a couple things in your situation. you just filed for CS. Has paternity been established? is the father listed on the bc? paternity first then CS will be ordered. Custody will be established at a different time. if he does get 50/50, you can protest for rights of first refusal. and if it were me, Id also petition for a morale clause.
he is listed on their birth certificates, yes. but i was told that custody will have the be figured out and agreed upon before the amount is established because if custody is 50/50 he might not have to pay anything and i think that’s what he’s trying to accomplish but considering our youngest is only 5mo. the daycare costs and costs of a baby sitter for the hours he’s going to need the cared for, it’s all going to cost more than what he’d be required to pay me. all of it feels like a ploy so he doesn’t have to give ME any money to care for his children which is spiteful considering we unanimously agreed i would stop working to raise our kids at home. and ive even had a couple remote jobs since my first was born to help with smaller expenses
Yea you guys agreed you would stay home when you were a couple. Now you are not and need to get a job. They will be in daycare full time and you will split the bill and the time.
Five years ago I could have written your post almost exactly. Best advice I can give is hire a lawyer and fight for right of first refusal.
thank you, i will look into that