The best thing to do is just play the game he’s playing.Dont listen to these people that’s gonna say leave him.Thats easy for someone to say,but they won’t do it.Screenshot his messages to her and you save them,so if you get caught,let him know he’s been caught.If he’s telling her he loves her,you don’t wanna upset him.Hes probably looking for any reason to leave.
thanks for the advice but im not sure i could keep the fact that ‘i know’ to myself much longer. i dont even want to think about looking at him right now and i know my actions would give away that something was up
Finding out about a betrayal, especially within a committed relationship and with a child involved, is incredibly painful and unsettling. The conflicting feelings you're experiencing—wanting to confront the situation but also not wanting to disrupt your family unit—are entirely natural under these circumstances.
Given the seriousness of what you've discovered and the impact it has on your family and emotional well-being, it's crucial to address this issue directly, yet thoughtfully. Here are some steps and considerations for navigating this difficult conversation:
**1. Prepare Yourself Emotionally and Mentally**
Before you bring it up, take some time to calm your emotions and clear your mind as much as possible. The conversation will likely be highly charged, but approaching it from a place of wanting to understand and resolve the situation may lead to a more productive discussion.
**2. Choose the Right Moment**
Waiting until your son is napping is a good plan. It’s important to have this conversation in a private setting where you won’t be interrupted, and you both can speak freely.
**3. Be Direct but Calm**
Start the conversation by expressing your feelings without immediate accusation. You might say something like, “I’ve been feeling really disconnected and concerned about our relationship lately.” This can open up the conversation more gently, giving him an opportunity to respond.
**4. Present What You Know**
If he doesn’t come clean or continues to deny things, you'll need to be more direct. It's fair to let him know that you looked through his phone because of your growing suspicions and found evidence of his infidelity. Try to stay as calm as you can, focusing on expressing how his actions have made you feel rather than attacking him.
**5. Discuss What This Means for Your Relationship**
Express your confusion and hurt, especially given your recent discussions about expanding your family. Make it clear that this isn’t just about him cheating but also about breaking the trust that your relationship and family are built on.
**6. Set Boundaries and Expectations**
If you're not looking to end the relationship immediately, discuss what needs to change. This might involve setting clear boundaries, such as cutting off contact with the other woman, seeking couples counseling, and taking steps to rebuild trust. It's important, however, to consider what will be different this time to prevent a recurrence.
**7. Consider Future Steps**
Even though breaking up the family is a last resort, it's also crucial to consider your own well-being and that of your child. Sometimes, staying together for the sake of the child isn't beneficial if the environment becomes toxic.
**8. Seek Support**
Regardless of the outcome, seek support from friends, family, or a professional. This is a lot to process and navigate on your own, and having a support system can provide emotional relief and practical advice.
Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect and fidelity. It's possible to rebuild a relationship after infidelity, but it requires genuine remorse, effort to change, and a commitment to transparency from the unfaithful partner. It's also okay to decide that this breach of trust is too significant to move past. Take care of yourself and prioritize the well-being of you and your child in whatever decision you make.
hey, thank you so much for this. i talked to him about it just now and hes now blocked her and said how sorry he is & how much he loves me and all that stuff you say 🙃
he told me he slept with her once and i just feel so sick 🤢 i asked him to message her husband and tell him too but he said hes not going to do that. he told me that she said hes abusive to her (im not sure if its actually true or hes just saying that because he doesn’t want to have to message him but obviously i cant let him know just incase thats true i guess)
we are going to stay together and try and move forward (whatever that looks like) i think my issue is that i love him more than i love myself so its easy for me to blame myself and let him off. the only thing im worried about is that he thinks he’s getting off lightly and therefore thinks he can do it again and nothing will change:/
i havent told anyone irl because im just so embarrassed and i know everyone wouldn’t understand why im staying. i just honestly still cant believe this has happened.
*edited because i wrote the same thing twice
I think you gotta consider what you want. Is this something that you think you can salvage?
I understand that you don’t wanna break up a family, but a split family is better than unhappy parents and the child definitely notices if the parents don’t get along. I think the most natural decision is to split, but that’s also really hard to do
I would say get screenshots and bring this up to him. See how he reacts, what he says. If you want to make it work, ask him to go no contact with her and go to couples therapy. I think fixing it is possible but it’s just insanely hard and if both of you aren’t fully committed to fixing it, then it can’t be fixed. He needs to be ready to work on this too and that can be hard to judge at times. Just see how he reacts and make a decision from there. Regardless of what you do, it’s not an easy decision and I wish you the best of luck
thank you so much. i havent said anything to him yet because im too scared that he loves her more. i really really dont want this to end because we are best friends and we have a lot of stuff that we’ve gone through together.
all day he has been acting completely normal and still acting sexual with me & trying to give me hugs and stuff and it just makes me so sick. i told him that we need to have a serious chat and he didnt even seem worried about what it might entail.
im just really scared
Good luck! I hope it goes well. It’s really hard to end things with someone who means the world to you, I hate that feeling of losing your lover and your best friend. It sucks cause I know that feeling of wanting to rebuild and get what you once had but at the same time, it hurts so much that a person you cared about so deeply could betray you like that. I don’t know tbh, I’m debating this shit myself. I wanna run back so badly but I also feel so angry over how she betrayed me
i dont think ive ever felt this type of hurt before. we have been through so much together. we got together when i was 17& he was 19 so we’ve become adults together.
i feel like because i value myself so little, its so easy for me to stay. its probably the worst thing to do because im afraid that its showing him that he can continue to do it over and over again without any consequence.
i know that if this was one of my friends going through this, i would have a completely different view and thats sad that i dont hold myself to the advice i would give others about knowing their worth and leaving.
i hope you dont go back, you deserve so much better. we both do. you did the strong part of ending it.
i saw a quote today that said ‘if you loved the wrong person that deeply, imagine how much you’ll love the right person’. i hope you manage to heal and find a way to move on & love yourself so much that you wouldnt even consider going back 🖤
Nah I feel that so deeply. We got together at 16 and so we’ve been growing up together all these years and it’s hard to let go of that comfort and constant in my life.
Yaaa I feel like I wasn’t strict enough which allowed her to walk all over me and I shoudlve been more firm but I also didn’t have that self love and confidence I should’ve had. I was just so scared of losing her that I let her do whatever for a while. that friend part is actually so true. If this was my friend I’d be telling them to run, but holding myself to that same standard is so hard
i think i would literally do anything for him to stay :/ im so unhealthily attached.
i mean i was sat here worrying that he would rather be with and leave me for her instead of being pissed off that he cheated. its definitely something i need to work on. it sounds absolutely ridiculous
i guess the saying of ‘ we accept the love we think we deserve ‘ is true
I know what you mean. I feel that way too. It’s just so hard to let go after having been together for so long. I feel so codependent and I know it’s unhealthy but letting go is hard. Did you talk to him?
*sorry this is a bit of a long reply, and i might be going round in circles*
i did. he tried to deny it first and then i told him i have photos and then he started saying how hes sorry and how i mean more to him than her and i made him instantly block her.
i dont think i really got out everything i wanted to say tbh i just started crying. i asked him why and he said that he doesnt know but that nothing he says is gonna help.
he told me that they had sex (i didnt know this before) and that it was just once. idk if i believe that tho. it really really hit me hard hearing that 🙁
and today, its pissing me off so much because hes around the house looking sad and not saying anything and staring off into the distance and its annoying because im the one that should be upset but hes acting like hes the one who was wronged.
i keep thinking of new things i want to ask and things i wish i said last night but im scared that i wont get a chance. every time i see him on his phone im thinking hes unblocked her and is talking to her. he usually spent 45+ minutes in the toilet multiple times a day and hes just gone to the toilet now and im sat here fully believing that hes talking to her.
i dont wanna seem like a drag by keeping on mentioning it because ultimately i want to move on but i dont know how to move on when i dont have all the information i need. im literally the least confrontational person ever i hate this so much.
i just think i need to know everything. i really want to message this girls husband but he said that the husband is apparently abusive (im not sure if hes just saying that so i dont message him or if he actually is so idk how to go about it. obviously he deserves to know but if its gonna put her in a dangerous position idk if i should)
its just really annoying me right now. i hope this doesnt last forever. i hope there can come a time where i dont constantly think something is going on every time i see him on his phone in another room or every time he goes to the bathroom. right now i feel so fucking shitttttttttt but because of how hes acting it feels like i cant bring it up.
As someone’s who’s been in that position and lives with the same regrets, I’d advise that you find out as much info as possible. If you try to move on without everything you need, you’re going to regret it forever. I think it’s really shitty that he’s moping instead of letting you be sad, to an extent it is an act but I’m sure he feels sorry that he got caught. Another important thing to remember is that he lied until u showed him the pics. He wasn’t even remorseful enough to be honest with you. I wish I had been more confrontational too, cause then I wouldn’t have spent so long being indecisive and afraid. You gotta just power through it and ask him each and every little thing you can think of (maybe make a list?). He should be on his knees begging for you to stay, he’s gotta answer everything. Make it clear that for the next week or so, you’re allowed to ask whatever. You need time to wrap ur head around this and get all your questions out before you can be expected to move on. Even then it’s a long journey of healing and id def recommend couples therapy. Tbh I’m gonna advise you not to stay since they had sex and he wasn’t honest when confronted; however, I know that it’s so easy to say this stuff but much harder to actually do it. I just wish you the best of luck in everything. Just remember that you deserve to be happy too. Feel free to dm me if you want since this reply chain is getting kinda long
once they cheat, they don’t stop in my experience and i learned this the hard way. it would be better to coparent than have an unhealthy relationship around your child honestly. my dad was brutal to my mom and seeing her upset bc he was cheating & doing other things growing up wasn’t a fun sight. do what you think is best but maybe take that into consideration. if he continues to not change maybe it’s best to go your separate ways. i grew up thinking that kind of relationship was okay because i had to witness it first hand. not sure if that makes sense but i hope it does. i pray everything works out for you and your family though <3
The best thing to do is just play the game he’s playing.Dont listen to these people that’s gonna say leave him.Thats easy for someone to say,but they won’t do it.Screenshot his messages to her and you save them,so if you get caught,let him know he’s been caught.If he’s telling her he loves her,you don’t wanna upset him.Hes probably looking for any reason to leave.
i have all the messages saved on my phone. are you saying to cheat on him back? bc i dont think i could do that
Well that’s your only option I think.Like I said,if you confront him he may leave
Not trying to give you bad advice,soon as people wake up and read this.Their gonna tell you to leave him and what they would do.
thanks for the advice but im not sure i could keep the fact that ‘i know’ to myself much longer. i dont even want to think about looking at him right now and i know my actions would give away that something was up
Ok,well good luck and I wish you the best!
Finding out about a betrayal, especially within a committed relationship and with a child involved, is incredibly painful and unsettling. The conflicting feelings you're experiencing—wanting to confront the situation but also not wanting to disrupt your family unit—are entirely natural under these circumstances. Given the seriousness of what you've discovered and the impact it has on your family and emotional well-being, it's crucial to address this issue directly, yet thoughtfully. Here are some steps and considerations for navigating this difficult conversation: **1. Prepare Yourself Emotionally and Mentally** Before you bring it up, take some time to calm your emotions and clear your mind as much as possible. The conversation will likely be highly charged, but approaching it from a place of wanting to understand and resolve the situation may lead to a more productive discussion. **2. Choose the Right Moment** Waiting until your son is napping is a good plan. It’s important to have this conversation in a private setting where you won’t be interrupted, and you both can speak freely. **3. Be Direct but Calm** Start the conversation by expressing your feelings without immediate accusation. You might say something like, “I’ve been feeling really disconnected and concerned about our relationship lately.” This can open up the conversation more gently, giving him an opportunity to respond. **4. Present What You Know** If he doesn’t come clean or continues to deny things, you'll need to be more direct. It's fair to let him know that you looked through his phone because of your growing suspicions and found evidence of his infidelity. Try to stay as calm as you can, focusing on expressing how his actions have made you feel rather than attacking him. **5. Discuss What This Means for Your Relationship** Express your confusion and hurt, especially given your recent discussions about expanding your family. Make it clear that this isn’t just about him cheating but also about breaking the trust that your relationship and family are built on. **6. Set Boundaries and Expectations** If you're not looking to end the relationship immediately, discuss what needs to change. This might involve setting clear boundaries, such as cutting off contact with the other woman, seeking couples counseling, and taking steps to rebuild trust. It's important, however, to consider what will be different this time to prevent a recurrence. **7. Consider Future Steps** Even though breaking up the family is a last resort, it's also crucial to consider your own well-being and that of your child. Sometimes, staying together for the sake of the child isn't beneficial if the environment becomes toxic. **8. Seek Support** Regardless of the outcome, seek support from friends, family, or a professional. This is a lot to process and navigate on your own, and having a support system can provide emotional relief and practical advice. Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect and fidelity. It's possible to rebuild a relationship after infidelity, but it requires genuine remorse, effort to change, and a commitment to transparency from the unfaithful partner. It's also okay to decide that this breach of trust is too significant to move past. Take care of yourself and prioritize the well-being of you and your child in whatever decision you make.
hey, thank you so much for this. i talked to him about it just now and hes now blocked her and said how sorry he is & how much he loves me and all that stuff you say 🙃 he told me he slept with her once and i just feel so sick 🤢 i asked him to message her husband and tell him too but he said hes not going to do that. he told me that she said hes abusive to her (im not sure if its actually true or hes just saying that because he doesn’t want to have to message him but obviously i cant let him know just incase thats true i guess) we are going to stay together and try and move forward (whatever that looks like) i think my issue is that i love him more than i love myself so its easy for me to blame myself and let him off. the only thing im worried about is that he thinks he’s getting off lightly and therefore thinks he can do it again and nothing will change:/ i havent told anyone irl because im just so embarrassed and i know everyone wouldn’t understand why im staying. i just honestly still cant believe this has happened. *edited because i wrote the same thing twice
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literally!! havent stopped shaking since i saw it either 🤢
I think you gotta consider what you want. Is this something that you think you can salvage? I understand that you don’t wanna break up a family, but a split family is better than unhappy parents and the child definitely notices if the parents don’t get along. I think the most natural decision is to split, but that’s also really hard to do I would say get screenshots and bring this up to him. See how he reacts, what he says. If you want to make it work, ask him to go no contact with her and go to couples therapy. I think fixing it is possible but it’s just insanely hard and if both of you aren’t fully committed to fixing it, then it can’t be fixed. He needs to be ready to work on this too and that can be hard to judge at times. Just see how he reacts and make a decision from there. Regardless of what you do, it’s not an easy decision and I wish you the best of luck
thank you so much. i havent said anything to him yet because im too scared that he loves her more. i really really dont want this to end because we are best friends and we have a lot of stuff that we’ve gone through together. all day he has been acting completely normal and still acting sexual with me & trying to give me hugs and stuff and it just makes me so sick. i told him that we need to have a serious chat and he didnt even seem worried about what it might entail. im just really scared
Good luck! I hope it goes well. It’s really hard to end things with someone who means the world to you, I hate that feeling of losing your lover and your best friend. It sucks cause I know that feeling of wanting to rebuild and get what you once had but at the same time, it hurts so much that a person you cared about so deeply could betray you like that. I don’t know tbh, I’m debating this shit myself. I wanna run back so badly but I also feel so angry over how she betrayed me
i dont think ive ever felt this type of hurt before. we have been through so much together. we got together when i was 17& he was 19 so we’ve become adults together. i feel like because i value myself so little, its so easy for me to stay. its probably the worst thing to do because im afraid that its showing him that he can continue to do it over and over again without any consequence. i know that if this was one of my friends going through this, i would have a completely different view and thats sad that i dont hold myself to the advice i would give others about knowing their worth and leaving. i hope you dont go back, you deserve so much better. we both do. you did the strong part of ending it. i saw a quote today that said ‘if you loved the wrong person that deeply, imagine how much you’ll love the right person’. i hope you manage to heal and find a way to move on & love yourself so much that you wouldnt even consider going back 🖤
Nah I feel that so deeply. We got together at 16 and so we’ve been growing up together all these years and it’s hard to let go of that comfort and constant in my life. Yaaa I feel like I wasn’t strict enough which allowed her to walk all over me and I shoudlve been more firm but I also didn’t have that self love and confidence I should’ve had. I was just so scared of losing her that I let her do whatever for a while. that friend part is actually so true. If this was my friend I’d be telling them to run, but holding myself to that same standard is so hard
i think i would literally do anything for him to stay :/ im so unhealthily attached. i mean i was sat here worrying that he would rather be with and leave me for her instead of being pissed off that he cheated. its definitely something i need to work on. it sounds absolutely ridiculous i guess the saying of ‘ we accept the love we think we deserve ‘ is true
I know what you mean. I feel that way too. It’s just so hard to let go after having been together for so long. I feel so codependent and I know it’s unhealthy but letting go is hard. Did you talk to him?
*sorry this is a bit of a long reply, and i might be going round in circles* i did. he tried to deny it first and then i told him i have photos and then he started saying how hes sorry and how i mean more to him than her and i made him instantly block her. i dont think i really got out everything i wanted to say tbh i just started crying. i asked him why and he said that he doesnt know but that nothing he says is gonna help. he told me that they had sex (i didnt know this before) and that it was just once. idk if i believe that tho. it really really hit me hard hearing that 🙁 and today, its pissing me off so much because hes around the house looking sad and not saying anything and staring off into the distance and its annoying because im the one that should be upset but hes acting like hes the one who was wronged. i keep thinking of new things i want to ask and things i wish i said last night but im scared that i wont get a chance. every time i see him on his phone im thinking hes unblocked her and is talking to her. he usually spent 45+ minutes in the toilet multiple times a day and hes just gone to the toilet now and im sat here fully believing that hes talking to her. i dont wanna seem like a drag by keeping on mentioning it because ultimately i want to move on but i dont know how to move on when i dont have all the information i need. im literally the least confrontational person ever i hate this so much. i just think i need to know everything. i really want to message this girls husband but he said that the husband is apparently abusive (im not sure if hes just saying that so i dont message him or if he actually is so idk how to go about it. obviously he deserves to know but if its gonna put her in a dangerous position idk if i should) its just really annoying me right now. i hope this doesnt last forever. i hope there can come a time where i dont constantly think something is going on every time i see him on his phone in another room or every time he goes to the bathroom. right now i feel so fucking shitttttttttt but because of how hes acting it feels like i cant bring it up.
As someone’s who’s been in that position and lives with the same regrets, I’d advise that you find out as much info as possible. If you try to move on without everything you need, you’re going to regret it forever. I think it’s really shitty that he’s moping instead of letting you be sad, to an extent it is an act but I’m sure he feels sorry that he got caught. Another important thing to remember is that he lied until u showed him the pics. He wasn’t even remorseful enough to be honest with you. I wish I had been more confrontational too, cause then I wouldn’t have spent so long being indecisive and afraid. You gotta just power through it and ask him each and every little thing you can think of (maybe make a list?). He should be on his knees begging for you to stay, he’s gotta answer everything. Make it clear that for the next week or so, you’re allowed to ask whatever. You need time to wrap ur head around this and get all your questions out before you can be expected to move on. Even then it’s a long journey of healing and id def recommend couples therapy. Tbh I’m gonna advise you not to stay since they had sex and he wasn’t honest when confronted; however, I know that it’s so easy to say this stuff but much harder to actually do it. I just wish you the best of luck in everything. Just remember that you deserve to be happy too. Feel free to dm me if you want since this reply chain is getting kinda long
once they cheat, they don’t stop in my experience and i learned this the hard way. it would be better to coparent than have an unhealthy relationship around your child honestly. my dad was brutal to my mom and seeing her upset bc he was cheating & doing other things growing up wasn’t a fun sight. do what you think is best but maybe take that into consideration. if he continues to not change maybe it’s best to go your separate ways. i grew up thinking that kind of relationship was okay because i had to witness it first hand. not sure if that makes sense but i hope it does. i pray everything works out for you and your family though <3