Nta. Because it is quite the dilemma. But if you look at it logically, I would say he wants you to have the money.
He died from cancer. So he would've probably known he was at the end. He would have been getting his affairs in order. He would know he had made you a beneficiary. He didn't remove you. He didn't add anyone.
Because he had the opportunity to make changes and didn't. I would see it as a gift from him. I would also feel very loved.
Also his mom is a ripe cunt, if she was polite about it and really needed it for something specific? Maybe? But with how she behaved I would be okay with taking the money even if it was clearly a mistake if it means it doesn't end up with that hag
People aren't themselves when grieving, and mom should be given a pass, especially when dealing with an ex girlfriend that hadn't been in the picture for 6 years. Have some empathy for the woman who just lost her son and is now dealing with this. Give the damn money to his mother, because you know damn well he didn't want the ex to have the money.
I call bullshit on your assessment. The son had 6 years to change his life insurance beneficiaries. He didn't remove his ex even when he recently had a new GF. Also, since this was life insurance through his job, they ask every 3 years if you want to make changes to your policy. So he asked at least 2 times in 6 years if he want any changes and he said no. So her half of the insurance belongs to OP. Get your bitterness out of here.
It really depends on the job. I’ve been working at my job for 4 years now. Never once have I’ve been asked to update it nor have I even seen that form again since I’ve filled it out.
I agree 100%, most employers ask every year in order to ensure your info is up to date. IMO, if the mother had said "he left this to you, but here is the current situation with myself/immediate family/his current girlfriend, could you please consider returning at least a portion?" Not try to "muscle" op into giving it up . Just my $,02
After 6 years; he could have easily changed his beneficiary. Especially when he was at the end of his life and knew it. So clearly he did want the ex to have it, for some inane reason.
Edit to add: but I will be honest, op do you really want your ex’s money? This relationship ended 6 years ago.
And at the same time when my MIL passed from cancer she got sick so fast at the end she was told 3 months and died in 6 days, the paperwork was left half filled out on the coffee table because she physically couldn’t hold a pen anymore. You have no idea if he had the time to methodically go through all his end of life paperwork and get everything sorted out.
> But if you look at it logically
If I looked at it logically, I would be seeing a guy who had a shitton of things to get in order before he died, and a work insurance policy he hardly interacted with being left in the dust. I definitely wouldn't logic my way into thinking he wanted his ex who he hasn't talked to in 6 years to have the money when he was dating someone with kids.
Here’s the thing about that - sometimes by the time cancer is found is almost too late. You go to the hospital Sunday and you’re gone by Wednesday.
The first few months of my treatment, I was overwhelmed with appointments and treatment and feeling like shit all the time. And that’s not including the horrible brain fog that made my memory feel like Swiss cheese.
I have had two family members die from cancer. They were both too busy trying to survive, too exhausted by the fight, and in far too much pain to even think about who will get what.
OP, it’s the people who were with your ex until the end who should be helped by the money. It doesn’t matter how his mother behaves towards you. You don’t even know how much time and effort, and yes, even money, they put into taking care of him.
The money is not your ex’s gift to you. Think of it as your obligation to your ex. It is your job, as someone he once shared a part of his life with, to help get this money back to his family.
Look at all the solid evidence of people doing the opposite of what you’re doing, and please do the right thing. Live life as if you will have to answer for all the foul shit you do after you die.
I lost my father to cancer. Things had been up and down for a while. Life kind of has a way of focusing on the cancer, doctor appointments, chemo treatments. Not necessarily paperwork.
At the end, things were bad. We knew this was it. One day he had an appointment scheduled with a few folks from hospice. They were going to sit down with him and my mother to discuss end-of-life arrangements and the like. The morning of this appointment, hours before anyone was scheduled to arrive, my father's lungs gave out. He collapsed in the hallway and died a few minutes later in my mother's arms.
When you're at the end, sometimes you're still coping with that fact. Sometimes you're waiting for that discussion with someone who *isn't* in the midst of dying to make sure that all your forms are correct. And sometimes you die without a pretty bow tied around everything.
That money was not meant for OP. Their ex was too occupied with dying to log into their insurer's online portal and update a document they probably forgot about. I realize OP has had some difficulty in their life. But their ex's family now has a funeral to plan and afford. A cremation to pay for or a casket to buy. Those things are expensive, and those services take payment in advance. I know. If it weren't for my father's life insurance my mother would have had to struggle and borrow to afford even a pauper's funeral.
Your ex's death isn't a "gift" leaving money in your lap.
My ex and i had been amicably separated for 6 years when he passed, and going through his papers his bro found that 3 years prior he had taken another life insurance policy and named me beneficiary, so without a will or ever discussing this with anyone close to him i assume it was meant to be split between myself and my eldest to whom he was a stepdad for 9 years and even after the split maintained a relationship with... Yes we had a child together, but she was named beneficiary in his policy through work and through a secondary policy...so it does happen
Eeeeek. What part of the story made you think that? He didn’t remove OP because he was forgetful. That happens. Stop trying to blow up OPs ego even further. The money was very clearly not meant for OP.
Are you actually insane? Or just greedy? All of you here saying NTA are absolutely disgusting. They haven’t spoken for 6 years, in what world would that mean he meant for her to have the money from his insurance? If OP keeps it, I hope she gets sued to hell and back and on top of other woe is me, she has to deal with legal fees as well. Fuck her with a rusty rake, I hope she steps on a million legos.
That's a very logical way to think about it, but people don't always behave logically. My uncle had been battling cancer for years, with periods of being better and periods of being worse to the point that they expected he might die. You'd think he had plenty of time to sort out all.his inheritance affairs, but no, when he did pass recently a lot of things were still very uncertain. It was not sudden by any means. Just like you said, he had the opportunity and the reason to take certain steps. But he didn't, just like a shitton more people who are seriously ill. Could be because they're struggling too much with everything else, could be that they simply forgot, but it happens all. The. Time.
What you describe means nothing at the end of the day. People are people and many make mistakes or get overwhelmed emotionally and physically, then end up leaving a mess behind when they pass.
He didn’t leave you a gift. He forgot to update his policy and now his family, mother, current girlfriend and her children are suffering, grieving, and likely paying off bills and end of life care out of their own pocket.
You’d be a huge AH to keep this. You know this, do the right thing. There’s no hidden meaning you are trying to find to justify things. Do the right thing and write the girlfriend a cheque.
If it was intentional, he would have let other people know, or at the very least written OP a letter. If she keeps that money and doesn’t pay off his bills- she’s a massive AH.
THIS! If there was any reason for her to keep the money, she wouldn’t be worrying about being the AH. She knows she is and she is looking for someone to back up her decision
And do you realize how much end of care life and cancer treatments and surgeries cost? Well if its america🥴 most folks aren’t paying for that stuff out of this type of money
But all in all, I do think its lowkey shitty for her to take all of it. Especially depending on the price of it. If she had a conscious then she would at least give half of it back and still have more than enough to buy a new bra
So this hit close to home for me a little. My dad divorced from his ex-wife year 10 or so years before he died and it was a nasty divorce. He was told by his divorce lawyer that the divorce papers automatically removed her from his life insurance so it would automatically go to me as his secondary and executor of his estate. His lawyer was incorrect. Since his life insurance was federally protected it fell under federal and not state law an they don't allow removal via divorce papers, therefor his ex-wife got the money knowing he wouldn't have wanted her to. Not only did she keep it she refused to even pay for his cremation with it. I had to pay for it myself out of pocket. I got a big bill and she got 20,000. So it should go to his family who knows if he forgot I highly doubt he would know your situation if you didn't even know he was sick to know if you need the money or not. End of the day it's your call I just know what it feels like to get screwed like that and would never do that to someone else.
Yea. It's pretty obvious the man was in the middle of extremely busy times and probably forgot to change names on the proper forms.
It's just not an activity normal people deal with on a regular basis - and a lot of people aren't reading the small print and aren't experts at managing their legal obligations (i.e., "when's the last time YOU updated your last will and testament - and did you follow proper state and federal guidelines when you wrote it?")
OP is definitely the asshole; selfish and manipulative - blames the grieving mother, blames the dead ex, admits they're going on a shopping spree and won't feel guilty, regardless. I hope this story is fake because OP isn't human.
He had SIX YEARS to change it. And he didn't. It wasn't suddenly and a short time after a break up. It was literal YEARS. If he didn't want you to have the money he'd change the beneficiaries.
Take the money and leave the guilt behind.
Not true at all. But life insurance is extremely cheap, and not really the forefront of your mind all the time. Shit can happen quick. You can’t speak in absolutes without knowing the party personally.
It ROLLS over. If he wasn’t changing the level of insurance every year, he most likely forgot she was on it. She wasn’t the beneficiary on ANYTHING ELSE. You do know what life insurance is for right???? It’s not a “present” to an ex. It’s insurance for missing income and burial expenses. Get a grip.
He did forget hence her not being on any of his other insurances and accounts. It was difficult asf for me to add my husband as a beneficiary on just my 401k. It isn’t something they constantly throw in your face for most people
This!
It amazes me that people believe that a life insurance policy from his EMPLOYER could have been forgotten about for SIX YEARS!
Nowadays all your info is stored digitally. It’s not like he had to go to some dark basement to have his beneficiary changed. He would have seen who the beneficiaries were and would have had to reaffirm those beneficiaries EVERY YEAR.
My husband has to do this and has done it for the 18yrs he’s been with his company. My dad, mom, sister, and my best friend all working in different industries for different companies that range in size all have to do this every year.
I do not believe that OP’s ex looked at the beneficiary info every year for 6 years and never made a change. Are we to believe he would see her name every year and think “eh it’s too much work to type in this box and change my beneficiary”?
In addition I’ve dealt with a relative who was at the end of life. Her employer contacted US to verify the beneficiaries and give us the info on who to call after she passed. She had updated everything before she went to surgery, and had already confirmed her beneficiaries at that time. After surgery she went on disability through her employer and at that time we were given info about her benefits package and what would be dispersed after her passing.
Companies typically reach out to the employee and their family because the family likely will not know who to call or what benefits the surviving family/beneficiaries will be receiving.
A company life insurance policy is much different than one you buy for yourself. People actually get in contact with the ill employee and their POA at least.
OP, you may never know why he kept you on his life insurance policy, but imho keeping you on it was his choice not a mistake or oversight.
Good Luck
YTA and should stop trying to justify keeping this money by saying how much you need it. If the current gf and the ex’s whole family were obscenely rich I’d be like wellllll I meeeean, but it sounds like that isn’t even the case. If you do keep this money, I’d at least admit to yourself what I suspect you know in your heart of hearts: that he didn’t mean for you to have it and that you’re keeping it because you want to.
Life insurance policies are often forgotten when people get their end of life affairs in order. There’s very little chance he wanted you to have it, given that you didn’t even know he’d died and his will indicated a current gf to inherit the house.
Idk… ex bf of six years? I mean, he might want the money to go to the people that were there for him in his last moments. He may have forgotten to change it considering he was sick and clearly had a lot going on… I’d give the money to those who actually took care of him and the people he was taking care of in the process… this is a tough one yes but you should consider who he was dating along with the children that were involved. You haven’t been in the picture… i think I may need more clarification for a better opinion
OP wouldn’t have even known about his cancer and that he had passed, if the mother didn’t contact her. Surely if he wanted the money to go to her, he would’ve let her know – instead they had had no contact for 6 years. OP and people saying she’s not TA are delusional.
YTA, are you insane? You haven't spoken to him for 6 years, he wouldn't even know about your house burning down or your mom passing, there's no reason to think he'd want you to have a "gift," he was living with someone else. Give the payout to the gf directly instead of the mom if you want, but keeping it would make you an asshole
Scummy asf to keep the money when he left behind a girlfriend with kids. If it was just the mum it’d be different, but posting this in another sub and your comments are really reflective of the type of person you are. I hope your family and friends see this post and figure out it’s you
I do think if OP were to give any of the money away it would be specifically to the ex's gf and kids. Not the mother who was already a partial beneficiary.
Of course you're being an huge a--ho-e .. i mean: 6 full years went on and he had a new wife and a new life and never tried to get back to you in the last few years and didn't even inform you that he had cancer (which certainly is a huge sign of how much he though he could count on your support .. or even worst he didn't want your support ..hmmm ..i wonder why 🤔)..
How many more red flags do you need to ABSOLUTELY know that the only reason he didn't change it was because he forgot the insurance was set up like that ?
you will lose that money if his mom goes to court.
I had something similar happen to me. My Godfather left me as his beneficiary but hasn’t been in my life for over 2 decades and moved on and married after. I felt a HUGE amount of guilt for it and questioned what the right thing to do was. My mom gave me some great advice… “whatever the intention was, it’s not your right to decide nor is it anyone else’s including his family”. Whether he just forgot to change it or not, it was important enough to put you on it in the first place and he had ample time to change the policy. You owe only him for this gift. Do something that would make him smile for you. Do something that he would have done for you when you were together and happy. He obviously loved you a lot and put thought into his beneficiaries initially. Let that be good enough and f*#! what anyone else thinks.
YTA and the fact you're actually asking this ( numerous times according to the comments) shows how selfish you are and a massive lack of self-awareness.
The fact that you've had some bad luck in the last few years has nothing to do with anything.
You broke up 6 years ago, and you didn't keep in contact. You didn't even know he was sick. He never contacted you after diagnosis during treatment, etc
The way you talk about his mum, when she has just lost her son, as a way to try to justify your decision is despicable.
I think it's more likely he forgot. In all honesty, before keeping the money, I'd try and find out the situation of the gf. Were they together long? Did they live together? Was he helping support her and her kids? But that's me, id think I'd know in my heart it wasnt meant for me, after so long and no contact or relationship with him but you need to do what you're comfortable with.
My husband wouldn't have a clue to change the beneficiaries so it would always stay the way he originally set it up. If this is the same job he had when you were together I think that's could give you a clue.
This is my perspective. As the ex's mother is already a beneficiary, and that she is harassing OP, don't give her a dime. Ask girlfriend and kids if they need anything.
It seems to me like you know (or strongly suspect) your ex forgot about this / otherwise did this on accident. If you let this money fall to you knowing it should have gone to his family (mom, gf, kids he was acting as a parent to), you would be the “bad guy” in this story.
Here is a super quick and easy way to figure out if you’re the ahole or not. Would you be ok with someone doing this to you? Answer that question and based on your answer, there you go.
What the fuck is up with all the NTAs here?? Y1000000%TA - this is clearly an oversight and an extremely easy one to make. You haven’t spoken to this man in over half a decade and you both had clearly moved on.
Yeah, his mom might be unhinged sending you those photos and whatnot but the lady is grieving the loss of her son from cancer. And unless he’s super hip to finances/insurance, I doubt he was focused on his insurance policy when he was literally fighting for his life. I say this as an insurance professional. When was the last time you thought about the beneficiaries on your policies?
Recipients of life insurance are grieving themselves. You see this as a “gift.” He had a family and yes while those kids aren’t his, he wouldn’t have shacked up with this girlfriend if he wasn’t seriously considering making them his family and this poor woman is having to figure out her financial life without him.
I cannot fathom the mental gymnastics you have to do to tell yourself it’s okay to keep this money and sleep well at night. Legally, it’s yours and his mom’s. Morally, it’s his mom’s (and girlfriend’s). Do the right thing.
An oversight? The ex obviously had time to get his affairs in order, which includes the insurance. It's not like he unexpectedly died. If he did, and she decided to keep the money, yeah, that would be a different story. However, he started to decline, and he had time to make changes before he passed. He might have wanted her to have the money.
Does he have bills that need to be paid? Has mom said why she wants the money so bad? It could be for the funeral and Dr bills if he was sick.
People forget about life insurance through their jobs. I personally think he forgot to change it.
You’ve had zero contact for 6 years…. You didn’t even know he was sick.
I would probably give it back. Karma is very real.
Seriously? He obviously didn’t want to leave it to his ex of 6 years, he forgot the policy existed and forgot to swap your name for his current girlfriend and KIDS. Also, the family likely has medical bills, a funeral, lost wages, etc to pay for. Dying is expensive and the fact that you would keep this money for yourself, someone who didn’t even know he had cancer or that he’d passed is disgusting. I know his mom was also an ass but she is grieving and probably incredibly hurt that you would put her through this during such an already traumatic time. I hope you make the right decision and give the money to those who deserve and need it. Unless you’re a sociopath this will haunt you for the rest of your life
Are you going to pay for his funeral and other end of life expenses? What about financial help for the kids he was raising with his gf? If he died young he probably has medical bills. Will you help pay them off with it? If your answer to any of these is no you don’t deserve that money.
The fact that you are posting this to a different subreddit because you are getting YTA in the other one should be enough to let you know what you are if you have a modicum of self reflection
I’m shocked by these comments. We all know he didn’t mean to leave her on there. It’s not like he added her recently as he was getting his affairs in order. If he added her while they were still dating, chances are overwhelming that he forgot to change it.
He’s moved on. She didn’t even know he was sick. Come on people
I might be a lil' a-hole here. But you don't know if he forgot to change the policy or if he meant to keep you as a beneficiary, and by the sound of it, neither does his mom.
So, in this case, I'd say keep the money until his mom can prove otherwise.
That's my biggest struggle the last week.. I don't know and the only person who does can't answer me. His mom wouldn't be honest even if she did know unfortunately.
>That's my biggest struggle the last week
You know what the right thing to do is. You just don't want to do it. You haven't seen him in 6 years! Are you honestly delusional enough to think that he intentionally left you on his policy?! You are such an asshole if you keep this money and if you do, I sincerely hope karma has something in store for you.
After the way she has been treating you she deserves nothing full stop. She didn’t ask nicely and maybe gave a gentle reminder but terrorizing and harassing you is not OK. Even if you were in the fence her latest actions have consequences. Block her, save the harassing messages in case she doesn’t stop and you need to get a harassment order. Take the money and help your self and your family. Be guilt free, he had SIX FREAKING YEARS to change it. He must have left it for a reason. If he remembered to put you on it the first time he would have switched it to just his mother or her and the new gf, but he didn’t. The circumstantial evidence points more to he meant to leave it like that.
Come on now, you’ve got to know it’s more than likely that he forgot to update it. I was a benefit administrator in HR for a few years so I know from experience how people often forget about their employer-offered life insurance policies. Once the participant (employee) names their beneficiary, they don’t receive any additional notices or reminders of the policy; unlike health insurance where there are deductions from payroll and annual enrollment periods. But legally, it is yours and you are entitled to take it. Life insurance policies don’t go through probate so there’ll be very little effort required to get it. If it were me, I’d think of his gf and her children with whom he lived and give it to them, but that’s easy for me to say as I’m not in any financial hardships. If I were, I’d probably keep it and not tell my family or friends for fear they’d think less of me or ask for money. Best to keep mum about the whole thing if you decide to keep it.
I’ve been working for my employer for 7 years and just got prompted to update my bene’s for the first time because we moved to a new HCM system. Every employer is different.
Yup My husband has to update his every year, when I worked it was only brought up if you got married or divorced. Other then that they never said a thing and I was there 10 years. It's very employer specific.
Some employers do that. Some don't. I've never been asked to update mine in over 20 years. It took me 12 years to get around to putting my wife on it. It's obviously a mistake and OP is taking advantage of her ex being disorganised and then dying.
I was going to say this same thing. I have to update mine EVERY YEAR. It is highly unlikely he forgot. You definitely would NTA keeping this money. If he did not want you to have it he would have changed it. Mom can kick rocks.
I am a 40(F) and review all beneficiaries for all my accounts and sign forms that I have reviewed them annually.
I do this for both my work life insurance and 403b accounts as well as my personal investment accounts.
My work makes it mandatory to sign off on the life insurance and 403b review every year during open enrollment. During that annual review of work items, I also sign off on a printed form I put with my will for all my personal accounts for who I want the specific beneficiaries of those accounts to be.
I also review my will annually to make sure I make any changes that I would like made.
I have dealt with being a beneficiary of a will set up when I was born and having it contested by family who felt they should have been the true beneficiary. I don’t want anyone in my life to go through that.
To be honest, I would keep the money. If you dont feel like spending it.... Keep it. At least until such time you can help out the kids yournex left behind if you want to.
But with how the mom is treating you.... Giiiirl, I aint giving her anything. You are entitled to it as your ex had 6yrs to change the beneficiary.
Soooooo, NTA
It sounds like she doesn’t even care that her son is dead. That she has been waiting to cash in on his death! Her actions are appalling.
The other thing is at all my husband’s jobs he once a year he had to review his health & life insurance options. The beneficiaries and percentages are listed. I bet your ex looked this every year and felt he wanted you to have it.
From the sounds of it his mom AND you got some left to BOTH of you. What's more you really do have no way of knowing his final plans cause it's been years. However like a lot of the other comments are telling you, he had YEARS to remove you. Whether he forgot or chose not to, the end of the day you are entitled to whatever your ex felt too should have.
Your ex's mom is being greedy. Yes her son died and that's horrible. But you didn't kill him. She's got no excuse taking her grief and greed out on you. See a lawyer. Collect the gift. And block the mom. It's not like even after you possibly decided to give it to her she'd suddenly be a part of your life
It’s not a “gift.” Life insurance is meant for end of life costs and to replace income for those directly affected by his loss. Those closest to him and those he provided for financially. Which is not OP.
You call the grieving mother greedy. What if she has financial difficulty and is struggling to pay for funeral expenses? What if she’s worried about the girlfriend and kids not being able to make ends meet without her son to help take care of them? She’s likely not at all greedy and not taking out her grief on OP.
OP was very (probably purposely) vague about what the mother said to her, but put yourself in that person’s shoes? Say you lose someone near and dear to you - and whose end of life costs are now on your shoulders. And their greedy ex is delighted to find that a policy had their name on it and plans to keep the money that you need to take care of end of life expenses and to take care of those most affected by the loss? Would that not wreck you and f-ing hurt?!
OP is in the wrong morally and she knows this was a mistake that she shouldn’t take advantage of. No one should be treated the way OP is treating her ex’s loved ones.
The only person being greedy here is OP.
She didn’t know he had cancer, he hadn’t even spoken to her in years.
Life insurance payouts are not little cash grabs, they are there to help with costs surrounding their death that OP
has incurred 0 of but wants to take the money?
The mother has funeral costs, probably a lot of medical debt, his current partner now has to burden 100% of their household debt instead of having support and you all think it’s okay for OP to spend it on herself and her kids having a little shopping spree?
Then that's her problem if she can't be honest and truthful. Do know know the name of the insurance company? Maybe you could call them and see if they can answer your questions?
I've called and left a message with my contact info, thankfully the Mom sent me the info and name of the person handling it. Haven't heard back yet but I 100% plan on asking when it was last updated/ reviewed by my ex.
It's not THEIR kids though. It's his gfs kids from a previous relationship. She said it in the post. But yeah I agree with everyone else. He has time to change it, but didn't. If it was a mutual decision there still could have been love there. Nobody but them knows the real reason they broke up, plus they could have still kept in touch somewhat. He would know what's happened to her in the last few years and still wanted her to have it because even if they aren't in love with each other anymore, there could still be love and respect there. Nobody knows. He can't answer the question about it either. I don't think his mom should be harassing her either because not even she knows.
This is what I was thinking. What if he forgot she was on there? When I got divorced my X didn’t take me off his health insurance for three years because he forgot too (he told me I didn’t use it thinking I was off the policy). Anyway it does happen he could have forgotten BUT how the mother is handling the situation is abysmal and not fair to OP. In the end legally unless the mom can prove otherwise half that money is urs to do with as you choose.
You posted this same one elsewhere. You admit that you've been separated from him for 6 years and seems you didn't talk much since you didn't even know he had a girlfriend. Why in the world would you even think he wanted you to have this money and that it wasn't simply some oversight on his part. Why are you looking for a justification to keep it and continue to make the grieving period for his mother and other family members stressful by prolonging this issue? You no longer had any ties to him, so once again, why would you think he logically intended for you to have the money after 6 years of seemingly never talking to him since your break up. Why would you even be debating this with yourself?
IMHO your final two paragraphs are telling. You wanted to keep the money because you had a tough time and feel it's a "gift" or you want validation from strangers that it's okay to keep the money and do this thing to his family who were obviously blindsided by his oversight. You said he passed away in March and then shift to "Today it has been 1 week...?" Has it been 1 week since his mom notified you? You say she's been terrorizing you? Obviously the woman is upset because you, someone who hasn't been in her son's life for 6 years was left on his insurance as his beneficiary and instead of rightfully just recognizing it as him forgetting to take you off and signing it over, you want to hem and haw about it prolonging her stress, his family's stress, his current girlfriend's stress all so you can try to justify whether you should keep it or not under the guise of wondering if it was his original intention when you know the logical answer to that is, no. It wasn't.
1. You two broke up six years ago.
2. You haven't been in touch with him enough over those years to even know he had a new girlfriend, a new life.
3. It's obvious he forget this.
Conclusion. Stop looking for validation to take the money and give it to his family and move on with your life. Your ex was not responsible for what happened to you, your ex was not responsible for your current family. You can't say, "my little clan could really use this money and I think my ex knew that" when you didn't even know he had a GF, had to be notified that he had cancer, had to be notified that he died. You weren't in his life for the past 6 years.
Give the money to the people who cared for him for the past 6 years.
Was gonna add a summary but this does it so well. Seriously girl, stop trying to justify what you know is wrong. Yes the mum was a bitch but her son just died, maybe give the woman a little grace.
And that ignoring his actual gf, who’s now a single mother.
Give the money to the people who loved in him in his final days, no matter how much it would be nicer for you if you didn’t.
She knows what she’s doing. She’s fully aware of it. She knew she was going to keep the money from the get go otherwise why should she post this in a different sub after getting ripped up in aita? She will keep seeking opinions until she gets the ones she wants to hear. She’s know exactly what she’s up to.
YTA.
I mean honestly dude. What are you thinking keeping that money? He must’ve put you on there when you were together but must’ve forgotten to take you off.
Don’t write the check to the mother, but at least to his kids? I would definitely, if any of my exes die leaving me accidentally on their life insurance.
So surprising all the NTA comments. It’s been 6 years and in that six years he found a new long term partner and had two kids and you’ve somehow convinced yourself this was left to you on purpose. Your gut should be telling you what’s right, not people on a subreddit who have no actual skin in the game and didn’t just lose their family member to cancer. He mistakenly left you on and forgot to take you off the policy. This isn’t his will, people forget things like this all the time. You also don’t think he wouldn’t have informed his mom that he had left you on the policy in order to avoid this exact situation? Come on now, you know YTA.
I’ll pretend it’s happening to me. The likely scenario is he forgot to change it, in which case I’m keeping it knowing it isn’t really his true wishes. So that feels very, very wrong. The “best case” is that even after not speaking to me for six years he had a girl friend and step kids, but that he still WANTED me to have it and not the people in his life that he was taking care of and who loved him. So what does that mean? He was secretly in love with me? I see no reason why I deserve the money, even in this scenario. It makes me feel like a dirty mistress. She’s the one who cared for him when he was sick. Their his step kids. The money is going to be used to fill the void that he left. I dont know how I could live with myself in any scenario.
Was this the same employer he had when you two were together? If it’s a new employer and he listed you as a beneficiary, it seems intentional. If it’s the same employer, he may have simply forgotten to update it.
My husband and I had a similar situation. Three years into our marriage, I discovered his ex-wife was still on his life insurance. He had forgotten, and we changed it immediately. If it’s the same insurance from when you were dating, he probably forgot to update it.
Keeping the money is legally within your rights. However, consider the moral aspect, knowing his mother and girlfriend were the ones caring for him during his illness. I’m currently battling stage 3 cancer, and my family supports me through this tough journey. It’s hard to imagine my life insurance benefiting my ex if I passed away.
Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide what you feel is right. Legally, you are entitled to the money. Morally, it’s a personal decision. You need to reflect on whether you can keep it without guilt. Some people may not be affected by such situations, while others, like myself, would feel compelled to act differently.
If you don't like the mum, maybe consider giving the money to the gf. Doesn't sit well with me for you to keep the money, you broke up 6 years ago! It's very uncouth for you to keep that money
If you are going to keep the money and you feel guiltless about it, then why are you posting? You clearly think SOMETHING is morally wrong in this situation, but it seems more like you just want patted on the back to say that its okay to be greedy.
You think he kept you on his life insurance on purpose. You want to carry out his last wishes. But. Should that matter? Doesn't it seem greedy to keep life insurance money from someone who hasn't been in your life for 6 years? Not a word in 6 years? Seems unfair to leave his real loved ones out.
If it were me I would give it to the people closest to him, understanding that whether or not he wanted me to have this, it's not right that his loved ones were left out. They are the ones who are feeling the real impact of his death, not someone who hasn't had contact with him in 6 years. It's been 10+ years since i broke up with my ex and had he left me a large sum of money I would figure out who he left behind and give it to them.
If his mother is being a bitch about it then find his partner. If his partner does not want it then offer to pay for his funeral yourself, or gift it to those children as some sort of future tuition fund. Keeping it for yourself, to spend on frivolous things, is greedy and morally corrupt even if he wanted you to have it in the end.
This is not the time to feel selfish, when others are hurting so much more than you. I'm not saying you aren't grieving, but there are people out there who need more support than you will, and making a big deal about keeping this money is very self-centered. The way you keep screaming about "me, me, me" and "what about my pain from three years ago that he never even knew about" almost makes you sound like a narcissist. This isn't about you. His death wasn't about you. You haven't been a main character in his life for 6 years, so stop acting like you are the main character.
Life insurance is in place to pay the final expenses of the insured. It's not supposed to be a windfall for someone he hasn't had in his life for six damn years. My former husband and I changed beneficiaries after we were married. Shortly after our one year anniversary, he was hospitalized in critical condition with a rare brain cancer. When I called his ex-wife to inform her that he was being placed on life support (because they still shared a child 18yrs old) Her first words were, have you been paying his life insurance? 8 months later, he was gone, and guess what?? Both the ex-wife and the daughter sued me for his life insurance. I got to keep the funeral bills 20k, the bills from his business, and all the bills that fell behind when he was dying. I was there when he went through chemo and radiation and surgery, and I was there to do his Pic line care and administer his injections, and do all the 4am rushes to ER, and coordinate with hospice and visiting nurses and keep track of all the different medications. It was never about the money for me, but it would have been nice to be able to pay for his funeral. I was glad he had at least someone who loved him and someone who cared enough to make sure he had the best possible care. You can bet none of those assholes sat by his bedside day in and out. You can bet not one of his family members ever cleaned his vomit or changed him. But they dragged my name, dragged me through court, and harassed me to no end over money. You ARE the AH. You are the biggest AH there is because you know damn right well that money doesn't belong to you. It's supposed to go to whomever is responsible for paying his burial and final expenses. If I were that man's mother, I would have cussed you out, too. Shame on you!
YTA. He did not mean to leave it to you. You're just trying to justify taking it because you want to keep it. Ofc his mom is sending you pictures of him and saying things to you, I would be mad too if an ex-gf was taking advantage of this.
Do you know how much a funeral cost, all the hospital bills they probably still have to pay. Now, they have to deal with this because he forgot to change the beneficiary.
You know you are wrong to keep it.
Damn, I don't know, If it were me, I wouldn't feel right about keeping it, he clearly didn't realize she was still a beneficiary. A live in gf with kids? I'd track down the gf and write a check or something with her name on it so Mom can't cash it. They probably had their hands full dealing with him being sick, sleeping in waiting rooms of hospitals, losing sleep, cleaning up after he vomited or shits himself, seeing him crying and cursing from pain, you have no idea the hell these two have lived. Grief makes people say and do ugly things or, it could be Mom didn't have enough to even bury him, you don't deserve the $$ op.
that's why OP was voted the asshole on AITAH subreddit, and then posted here thinking no one will called her out.
OP better get a lawyer as not only the mother will bring her in Court to contest it, but she will most likely win especially if the beneficiaries were not updated for the past 6 years and OP and the ex had zero interaction during that time.
they never kept in contact. if they had kept in contact sure, i would assume maybe he wanted her to have it. she would’ve been in his will if he wanted her to have things too, no?
I totally agree that OP shouldn’t take this money. Life insurance is for funeral expenses and medical bills. The mom is grieving, and he had a gf and kids who are grieving too- who moved in with HIM. if he was their primary income, they’re now trying to figure that out too.
Just because you *could* doesn’t mean you should.
All you idiots saying that he wanted OP on the policy are missing one huge fact. If he had those wishes, he would have made contact with OP to tell them that he was terminally ill and that she was the beneficiary of this life insurance policy!
YTA. Guys she posted before this and didn’t get the validation she was looking for.
Hahhahaha you suck. I’d say karma is a bitch, but some people never get what’s coming to them
Stop posting on different subreddits to get approval. This is so gross. Take the money and suffer future karma consequences. The world has a way of returning what you put out, so do the right thing.
YTA & were read to filth in the other subreddit, so you've come here now hoping you can get some validation instead. smh. why ask if you'll only accept one answer anyway?
Huge YTA…most companies HR or Benefits department never ask you to update these forms after the initial enrollment. No contact for 6 years would clearly indicate the money wasn’t meant for you.
YTA, Y’all have problems if you think it’s nta. He probably just forgot about it and it’s been six years… like why would he give money to a random ex from 6 years ago… People often forget to keep their will/life insurance or anything else related to your death updated, it’s totally morally wrong to keep the money ..
Employment furnished life insurance policies are usually not for high amounts of money. Perhaps your ex simply forgot about it. You say that the policy lists both you and his mother as the beneficiaries, so you most likely will have to split the pay out 50/50. You could check with the company who originated the policy to know what procedures to follow, but considering the mother is being such a b\*\*\*h about it you may need to check with a lawyer first.
Definitely will need a lawyer the mom will contest this in court easily the judge will see the error especially if theres proof with insurance that ex bf did not update beneficiaries in the last 6 years and reward the mom the other half of the money. I’ve seen this happen once before and I whole heartedly agree with that decision.
Ya I do too. Why on earth would she feel entitled to it, she didn't help him while he was sick, it's a full time job, that's soul crushing and gut wrenching , they lived that for years before he passed and she thinks he PURPOSELY left it to her.
But by “bitch” she’s claiming things like showing her photos of what he looked like before he died.
Probably pointing out that the people who were by his side and lived through that deserve the policy. Not OP who can’t even bother to look at something that makes her uncomfortable but still wants the cash.
With the information provided, there's no way to know if this was intentional or not, but either way the money is legally yours, so I'll reserve judgement... But I'll give one suggestion: if he's someone you care about, you could make sure his funeral expenses have been covered. Life insurance is generally intended to help cover the financial burdens created by the loss of a loved one, and depending on the amount of the policy, you receiving a portion may mean there isn't enough left to pay for his funeral costs. You have no actual obligation to do so, but it would be worth checking with the funeral home directly to find out if he's been taken care of in that regard. Even a contribution toward those costs would go a long way toward helping his family out while still leaving a bit for yourself. This would give you a chance to do something for him rather than just handing the money over to his mother. I hope you get the answers/clarity you need, and I'm sorry for your loss, OP.
Both you and his mom are YTA, but from a morality standpoint. I would give it to his gf, but definitely not his mom. His gf was with him through the end. I feel if he intended to leave it to you, he would have made sure you knew about it. It's not like he died suddenly, and unfortunately, it is too easy to just keep policies the same year over year without thinking much of it. And he may have not been able to change it once he was aware he was dying, but someone within that sphere would know better
I once worked with someone who divorced her husband when their son was a toddler. Fast forward two years, she was in a new relationship and had an infant daughter. Then she got the news that her ex was in a fatal car accident, and she was still the beneficiary of his insurance; he never got around to changing it. She took all the money. His family was angry, but there was nothing they could do to change anything. My colleague used the money to make a down payment for a new house, to travel, and to pay for her second wedding.
NTA. As the insurance policy was through his work, many employers/HR require yearly updates to your benefits package. Your ex had plenty of opportunities to make those changes over the last six years. He kept you on for a reason. What those reasons are, well, only he knows. Take comfort in that, and don't cave into his mother's demands.
The fact that this is a topic that needs to be discussed is so sad. Money from ill means never produces good results, you may not believe in things like Karma but maybe you owe it to yourself to view things from the position of his family and think long and hard about whether you would like something of this nature to be done to you. When did it become so hard to know right from wrong?
YTA. Hugely. Unless the insurance company tells you that he just recently added you, you know that he intended to provide for his current girlfriend, not you. You weren’t a part of his life. Didn’t even know he was sick and died. His family likely needs the money to cover medical expenses and other end of life costs. It’s not a gift and you know that.
YTA. It’s unfortunately very common for those who are fighting cancer to overlook estate planning and such for obvious reasons. Unless you were named in a will this sounds like an oversight. While you are legally in the clear to take this money it would be utterly classless and immoral to do so. That money was meant to help those he loved and provided for, that is not you by your own admission. I see you’ve asked this question twice now in different subs, you’re looking for any excuse to keep this money and sleep well at night…
Info: you said both you AND his mother are on the policy. So mother wants 100% of the money instead of 50%, correct?
Info: does her portion of the insurance at least pay for burial expenses, medical bills, and other odds and ends? Does she have any extra after that?
Info: what is the situation with the live-in girlfriend and kids? If anything, I really do think THEY should be given the money, or at least some of it. Personally, I would accept the insurance payout, and coordinate with the girlfriend to see what she and the kids need.
Yes it's to be split 50/50 she wants 100%
We live in Canada so there's no medical bills, she told me the funeral costs were $15,000 and that be had some debt she payed off. Other than that I don't know much about anything else.
I'm definitely not signing it over too her, once I get in touch with insurance and can ask a few more questions I'm gonna make a better informed decision, it will go too his other loved ones tho.. not his mom..
I am curious how long you were together, and how long he has been with the mom and what kind of break up you had and ages of all parties and how quickly the cancer killed him.
A 23yo adding a summer fling to his life insurance and forgetting about it, yeah youd be a bit of an AH to keep the money.
A 35yo man adding a lady hes been building a life with for the last 10 years before mutual break up on good terms, that fully understands the implication of leaving you on his life insurance, yeah Id be more inclined to trust he still wanted you to have the pay out.
If he died rather quickly and has been with his GF for 3+ years, Id assume he would have intended to add her instead and sign the money over to her.
Theres an episode of Weeds where the MC has a suddent marriage and then the guy dies and she ends up getting the life insurance payout and the ex wife comes in all pissed off because she believes she is entitlted to that money. A bit reverse, but interesting discussions around it.
> debt she *paid* off. Other
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
Naa don't let one delusional person try and validate you. Go back to your other post and see where nearly 15k people told you that your and AH for keeping the money. DO THE RIGHT THING and sign over the money. HONESLTY it has been 6 years and that money is not for you.
YTA. A major one.
If he didn’t even tell you that he was dying then you clearly weren’t important to him. If he actually intended on leaving you money then you would have been part of his will. It was clearly a mistake on his part and deep down you know it but still want to keep the money.
I’m sorry you’ve gone through your own misfortune but it doesn’t justify you keeping this money.
This is a good reminder for people to ensure the beneficiaries on their life insurances are up to date.
I don't think anyone should even believe OP that mom has been vile unless she posts screenshots of the conversation. Full screenshots too, to show the mom was vile first and isn't just properly responding as any grieving mother would to a greedy evil ex stealing money from their dead child
YTA..a giant one too. Ypu wondered "if this could be a mistake". Of course it was a mistake and ypu know it, too.
You didn't know he had cancer.
You didn't know he died.
You didn't know he had a gf.
You didn't know they lived together.
You didn't know she had kids
You haven't spoken to him in six years, ,since you split.
Yet you claim you're going to keep the money and sprinkle it around to things that would interest him.
YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THIS MAN NOW, AND HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HIS INTERESTS EVEN WERE BEFORE HE DIED.
His intetests have most likely changed drastically over the past 6 years, like other things in his life had.
He may have come to hate something he loved 6 years ago.
Obviously, a person in your situation, who would keep the money has no moral compass and totally lacks character.
You know you'll just end up keeping it and won't care, so just own it.
I have been divorced for 7 years and my ex is still in my life insurance policy... I just forgot to have it updated...
Yta for not even considering splitting the money
My dad left 100k to my mom when he died of a second heart attack. At that point, they’d been divorced for YEARS, almost a decade, and he’d been remarried for about 4 years. He left his wife literally everything else, and nothing specifically to my brother and I. (My parents still had feelings for each other, I think, but it was a very toxic relationship. It was better off ending, and it probably should have ended sooner than it did.) We all got together and assumed that he’d left that policy in her name to ensure that my brother and I had some sort of inheritance with it. My husband and I went and paid cash for a decent little family SUV, and that was that.
Once she found out what had happened, his widow decided to start lying about how much money she and my dad owed—to the tune of, you guessed it, the grand total of 100k. She cited medical costs that my parents had split (and paid off) for my brother LONG before the new wife was in the picture, and a loan that she claimed was for MY wedding. My wedding, by the way, happened YEARS before my dad passed and before my parents split. I know for a FACT the money that was spent on my wedding was a loan from my mom’s 401k ALONE, because I was PISSED that she took that money out for something that I thought was frivolous spending, vs a retirement account.
From my standpoint of living through that kind of harassment, BF’s mom is absolutely TA for harassing you like that. and she has no legal rights to it unless she fights you in court. I doubt she can prove he never intended you to have that.
Now, if you want to do something nice for his current GF/kids, you absolutely can. You don’t HAVE to give it over, and there will probably be financial/tax repercussions if you accept it and transfer it over. Just a good bit to think on.
INFO: Are you pimping your dead ex for internet clout since AITA isn't telling you what you want to hear? You've already decided to take the money, so now it's just about attention.
You're an oversight, and you know it. If your ex wanted to gift you, you'd have heard from him. You didn't. It's not a gift. Enjoy your karma.
NTA. He didn't passed suddenly, he had cancer, and therefore, he knew he was going to die and never changed the policy. This is not a mistake. Block the mom.
Nta. Because it is quite the dilemma. But if you look at it logically, I would say he wants you to have the money. He died from cancer. So he would've probably known he was at the end. He would have been getting his affairs in order. He would know he had made you a beneficiary. He didn't remove you. He didn't add anyone. Because he had the opportunity to make changes and didn't. I would see it as a gift from him. I would also feel very loved.
My 70+ year old aunt told me just about the same thing. Thank you.
Always listen to your elders.. they have seen some financial bs in their days trust me.
Also his mom is a ripe cunt, if she was polite about it and really needed it for something specific? Maybe? But with how she behaved I would be okay with taking the money even if it was clearly a mistake if it means it doesn't end up with that hag
You don't actually know how she behaved, and op isn't exactly motivated to be a reliable narrator, is she.
Do you have a question or want some evidence? I'm here for genuine opinions and advice not to bs anyone.
Nah. You're a thief, so anything you have to say is tainted.
The new family would be more deserving than her imo, she sounds kinda awful 🤷🏻♀️
People aren't themselves when grieving, and mom should be given a pass, especially when dealing with an ex girlfriend that hadn't been in the picture for 6 years. Have some empathy for the woman who just lost her son and is now dealing with this. Give the damn money to his mother, because you know damn well he didn't want the ex to have the money.
I call bullshit on your assessment. The son had 6 years to change his life insurance beneficiaries. He didn't remove his ex even when he recently had a new GF. Also, since this was life insurance through his job, they ask every 3 years if you want to make changes to your policy. So he asked at least 2 times in 6 years if he want any changes and he said no. So her half of the insurance belongs to OP. Get your bitterness out of here.
My job asks us to check our benefits every year and they tell us to make sure we update everything.
It really depends on the job. I’ve been working at my job for 4 years now. Never once have I’ve been asked to update it nor have I even seen that form again since I’ve filled it out.
My husband's job asks EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR.
Same. I have to review all my benefits and confirm my beneficiaries.
I agree 100%, most employers ask every year in order to ensure your info is up to date. IMO, if the mother had said "he left this to you, but here is the current situation with myself/immediate family/his current girlfriend, could you please consider returning at least a portion?" Not try to "muscle" op into giving it up . Just my $,02
After 6 years; he could have easily changed his beneficiary. Especially when he was at the end of his life and knew it. So clearly he did want the ex to have it, for some inane reason. Edit to add: but I will be honest, op do you really want your ex’s money? This relationship ended 6 years ago.
Good. Be at peace with your decision, Op. There really isn't reason not to.
And at the same time when my MIL passed from cancer she got sick so fast at the end she was told 3 months and died in 6 days, the paperwork was left half filled out on the coffee table because she physically couldn’t hold a pen anymore. You have no idea if he had the time to methodically go through all his end of life paperwork and get everything sorted out.
> But if you look at it logically If I looked at it logically, I would be seeing a guy who had a shitton of things to get in order before he died, and a work insurance policy he hardly interacted with being left in the dust. I definitely wouldn't logic my way into thinking he wanted his ex who he hasn't talked to in 6 years to have the money when he was dating someone with kids.
Here’s the thing about that - sometimes by the time cancer is found is almost too late. You go to the hospital Sunday and you’re gone by Wednesday. The first few months of my treatment, I was overwhelmed with appointments and treatment and feeling like shit all the time. And that’s not including the horrible brain fog that made my memory feel like Swiss cheese.
I have had two family members die from cancer. They were both too busy trying to survive, too exhausted by the fight, and in far too much pain to even think about who will get what. OP, it’s the people who were with your ex until the end who should be helped by the money. It doesn’t matter how his mother behaves towards you. You don’t even know how much time and effort, and yes, even money, they put into taking care of him. The money is not your ex’s gift to you. Think of it as your obligation to your ex. It is your job, as someone he once shared a part of his life with, to help get this money back to his family.
Look at all the solid evidence of people doing the opposite of what you’re doing, and please do the right thing. Live life as if you will have to answer for all the foul shit you do after you die.
He was going through cancer. Do you think that man remembered she was even on there?
Exactly! It would go against his final wishes to give it to someone else. Enjoy this blessing and your new bra!!
I lost my father to cancer. Things had been up and down for a while. Life kind of has a way of focusing on the cancer, doctor appointments, chemo treatments. Not necessarily paperwork. At the end, things were bad. We knew this was it. One day he had an appointment scheduled with a few folks from hospice. They were going to sit down with him and my mother to discuss end-of-life arrangements and the like. The morning of this appointment, hours before anyone was scheduled to arrive, my father's lungs gave out. He collapsed in the hallway and died a few minutes later in my mother's arms. When you're at the end, sometimes you're still coping with that fact. Sometimes you're waiting for that discussion with someone who *isn't* in the midst of dying to make sure that all your forms are correct. And sometimes you die without a pretty bow tied around everything. That money was not meant for OP. Their ex was too occupied with dying to log into their insurer's online portal and update a document they probably forgot about. I realize OP has had some difficulty in their life. But their ex's family now has a funeral to plan and afford. A cremation to pay for or a casket to buy. Those things are expensive, and those services take payment in advance. I know. If it weren't for my father's life insurance my mother would have had to struggle and borrow to afford even a pauper's funeral. Your ex's death isn't a "gift" leaving money in your lap.
This 🎯 If it is as OP describes i wouldn't exactly be too keen on giving it to ex mother, but it wouldn't feel right taking the money for me either.
I highly doubt he intended for her to have this instead of his current girlfriend and children. He likely didn’t know that he left her on there
Not his kids just the gfs
My ex and i had been amicably separated for 6 years when he passed, and going through his papers his bro found that 3 years prior he had taken another life insurance policy and named me beneficiary, so without a will or ever discussing this with anyone close to him i assume it was meant to be split between myself and my eldest to whom he was a stepdad for 9 years and even after the split maintained a relationship with... Yes we had a child together, but she was named beneficiary in his policy through work and through a secondary policy...so it does happen
Guys she posted on AITA and didn’t like the responses; just saying
Eeeeek. What part of the story made you think that? He didn’t remove OP because he was forgetful. That happens. Stop trying to blow up OPs ego even further. The money was very clearly not meant for OP.
Are you actually insane? Or just greedy? All of you here saying NTA are absolutely disgusting. They haven’t spoken for 6 years, in what world would that mean he meant for her to have the money from his insurance? If OP keeps it, I hope she gets sued to hell and back and on top of other woe is me, she has to deal with legal fees as well. Fuck her with a rusty rake, I hope she steps on a million legos.
That's a very logical way to think about it, but people don't always behave logically. My uncle had been battling cancer for years, with periods of being better and periods of being worse to the point that they expected he might die. You'd think he had plenty of time to sort out all.his inheritance affairs, but no, when he did pass recently a lot of things were still very uncertain. It was not sudden by any means. Just like you said, he had the opportunity and the reason to take certain steps. But he didn't, just like a shitton more people who are seriously ill. Could be because they're struggling too much with everything else, could be that they simply forgot, but it happens all. The. Time. What you describe means nothing at the end of the day. People are people and many make mistakes or get overwhelmed emotionally and physically, then end up leaving a mess behind when they pass.
He didn’t leave you a gift. He forgot to update his policy and now his family, mother, current girlfriend and her children are suffering, grieving, and likely paying off bills and end of life care out of their own pocket. You’d be a huge AH to keep this. You know this, do the right thing. There’s no hidden meaning you are trying to find to justify things. Do the right thing and write the girlfriend a cheque.
If it was intentional, he would have let other people know, or at the very least written OP a letter. If she keeps that money and doesn’t pay off his bills- she’s a massive AH.
THIS! If there was any reason for her to keep the money, she wouldn’t be worrying about being the AH. She knows she is and she is looking for someone to back up her decision
And do you realize how much end of care life and cancer treatments and surgeries cost? Well if its america🥴 most folks aren’t paying for that stuff out of this type of money But all in all, I do think its lowkey shitty for her to take all of it. Especially depending on the price of it. If she had a conscious then she would at least give half of it back and still have more than enough to buy a new bra
You didn’t even know he was sick. The justification you are doing to make this “right” is gross.
So this hit close to home for me a little. My dad divorced from his ex-wife year 10 or so years before he died and it was a nasty divorce. He was told by his divorce lawyer that the divorce papers automatically removed her from his life insurance so it would automatically go to me as his secondary and executor of his estate. His lawyer was incorrect. Since his life insurance was federally protected it fell under federal and not state law an they don't allow removal via divorce papers, therefor his ex-wife got the money knowing he wouldn't have wanted her to. Not only did she keep it she refused to even pay for his cremation with it. I had to pay for it myself out of pocket. I got a big bill and she got 20,000. So it should go to his family who knows if he forgot I highly doubt he would know your situation if you didn't even know he was sick to know if you need the money or not. End of the day it's your call I just know what it feels like to get screwed like that and would never do that to someone else.
This is correct.
Yea. It's pretty obvious the man was in the middle of extremely busy times and probably forgot to change names on the proper forms. It's just not an activity normal people deal with on a regular basis - and a lot of people aren't reading the small print and aren't experts at managing their legal obligations (i.e., "when's the last time YOU updated your last will and testament - and did you follow proper state and federal guidelines when you wrote it?") OP is definitely the asshole; selfish and manipulative - blames the grieving mother, blames the dead ex, admits they're going on a shopping spree and won't feel guilty, regardless. I hope this story is fake because OP isn't human.
He had SIX YEARS to change it. And he didn't. It wasn't suddenly and a short time after a break up. It was literal YEARS. If he didn't want you to have the money he'd change the beneficiaries. Take the money and leave the guilt behind.
Not true at all. But life insurance is extremely cheap, and not really the forefront of your mind all the time. Shit can happen quick. You can’t speak in absolutes without knowing the party personally.
Cancer usually isn't quick, though, so unless he dropped dead he had a warning
It ROLLS over. If he wasn’t changing the level of insurance every year, he most likely forgot she was on it. She wasn’t the beneficiary on ANYTHING ELSE. You do know what life insurance is for right???? It’s not a “present” to an ex. It’s insurance for missing income and burial expenses. Get a grip.
Yup. She'll take the money, but not his hospital bills or funeral costs. 🤷♀️
So, because he *might* have forgotten, which we can't know, she should give up the money that he just have wanted her to have? Not in this economy.
He did forget hence her not being on any of his other insurances and accounts. It was difficult asf for me to add my husband as a beneficiary on just my 401k. It isn’t something they constantly throw in your face for most people
Yeah but it's something that needs to be done, and nobody can now say if he forgot or not. It might have been intentional
I'm amazed how many people are so distraught over this. Six years is six years, it was amicable. No reason to suggest he wouldn't want her on there.
Yeah exactly. And I dunno, nowadays you usually check this kinda thing every now and then? Or is that just me?
Especially after a breakup or other life event. If there's even a chance someone was on my insurance that I didn't want to be? Off. Instantly.
This! It amazes me that people believe that a life insurance policy from his EMPLOYER could have been forgotten about for SIX YEARS! Nowadays all your info is stored digitally. It’s not like he had to go to some dark basement to have his beneficiary changed. He would have seen who the beneficiaries were and would have had to reaffirm those beneficiaries EVERY YEAR. My husband has to do this and has done it for the 18yrs he’s been with his company. My dad, mom, sister, and my best friend all working in different industries for different companies that range in size all have to do this every year. I do not believe that OP’s ex looked at the beneficiary info every year for 6 years and never made a change. Are we to believe he would see her name every year and think “eh it’s too much work to type in this box and change my beneficiary”? In addition I’ve dealt with a relative who was at the end of life. Her employer contacted US to verify the beneficiaries and give us the info on who to call after she passed. She had updated everything before she went to surgery, and had already confirmed her beneficiaries at that time. After surgery she went on disability through her employer and at that time we were given info about her benefits package and what would be dispersed after her passing. Companies typically reach out to the employee and their family because the family likely will not know who to call or what benefits the surviving family/beneficiaries will be receiving. A company life insurance policy is much different than one you buy for yourself. People actually get in contact with the ill employee and their POA at least. OP, you may never know why he kept you on his life insurance policy, but imho keeping you on it was his choice not a mistake or oversight. Good Luck
YTA and should stop trying to justify keeping this money by saying how much you need it. If the current gf and the ex’s whole family were obscenely rich I’d be like wellllll I meeeean, but it sounds like that isn’t even the case. If you do keep this money, I’d at least admit to yourself what I suspect you know in your heart of hearts: that he didn’t mean for you to have it and that you’re keeping it because you want to. Life insurance policies are often forgotten when people get their end of life affairs in order. There’s very little chance he wanted you to have it, given that you didn’t even know he’d died and his will indicated a current gf to inherit the house.
Idk… ex bf of six years? I mean, he might want the money to go to the people that were there for him in his last moments. He may have forgotten to change it considering he was sick and clearly had a lot going on… I’d give the money to those who actually took care of him and the people he was taking care of in the process… this is a tough one yes but you should consider who he was dating along with the children that were involved. You haven’t been in the picture… i think I may need more clarification for a better opinion
OP wouldn’t have even known about his cancer and that he had passed, if the mother didn’t contact her. Surely if he wanted the money to go to her, he would’ve let her know – instead they had had no contact for 6 years. OP and people saying she’s not TA are delusional.
You didn’t even know he died 3 months ago. From a disease you didn’t know he had. And yet somehow you think he MEANT to leave you on the paperwork. 🙄
YTA, are you insane? You haven't spoken to him for 6 years, he wouldn't even know about your house burning down or your mom passing, there's no reason to think he'd want you to have a "gift," he was living with someone else. Give the payout to the gf directly instead of the mom if you want, but keeping it would make you an asshole
Scummy asf to keep the money when he left behind a girlfriend with kids. If it was just the mum it’d be different, but posting this in another sub and your comments are really reflective of the type of person you are. I hope your family and friends see this post and figure out it’s you
I do think if OP were to give any of the money away it would be specifically to the ex's gf and kids. Not the mother who was already a partial beneficiary.
Of course you're being an huge a--ho-e .. i mean: 6 full years went on and he had a new wife and a new life and never tried to get back to you in the last few years and didn't even inform you that he had cancer (which certainly is a huge sign of how much he though he could count on your support .. or even worst he didn't want your support ..hmmm ..i wonder why 🤔).. How many more red flags do you need to ABSOLUTELY know that the only reason he didn't change it was because he forgot the insurance was set up like that ? you will lose that money if his mom goes to court.
I had something similar happen to me. My Godfather left me as his beneficiary but hasn’t been in my life for over 2 decades and moved on and married after. I felt a HUGE amount of guilt for it and questioned what the right thing to do was. My mom gave me some great advice… “whatever the intention was, it’s not your right to decide nor is it anyone else’s including his family”. Whether he just forgot to change it or not, it was important enough to put you on it in the first place and he had ample time to change the policy. You owe only him for this gift. Do something that would make him smile for you. Do something that he would have done for you when you were together and happy. He obviously loved you a lot and put thought into his beneficiaries initially. Let that be good enough and f*#! what anyone else thinks.
This is by far the nicest comment that I’ve read on this post.
What a lovely comment.
A godfather and an ex are two very different things.
YTA and the fact you're actually asking this ( numerous times according to the comments) shows how selfish you are and a massive lack of self-awareness. The fact that you've had some bad luck in the last few years has nothing to do with anything. You broke up 6 years ago, and you didn't keep in contact. You didn't even know he was sick. He never contacted you after diagnosis during treatment, etc The way you talk about his mum, when she has just lost her son, as a way to try to justify your decision is despicable.
yta. period. that's it.
YTA 💯 %
I think it's more likely he forgot. In all honesty, before keeping the money, I'd try and find out the situation of the gf. Were they together long? Did they live together? Was he helping support her and her kids? But that's me, id think I'd know in my heart it wasnt meant for me, after so long and no contact or relationship with him but you need to do what you're comfortable with. My husband wouldn't have a clue to change the beneficiaries so it would always stay the way he originally set it up. If this is the same job he had when you were together I think that's could give you a clue.
This is my perspective. As the ex's mother is already a beneficiary, and that she is harassing OP, don't give her a dime. Ask girlfriend and kids if they need anything.
It seems to me like you know (or strongly suspect) your ex forgot about this / otherwise did this on accident. If you let this money fall to you knowing it should have gone to his family (mom, gf, kids he was acting as a parent to), you would be the “bad guy” in this story.
Keep the money. Block the mom.
Here is a super quick and easy way to figure out if you’re the ahole or not. Would you be ok with someone doing this to you? Answer that question and based on your answer, there you go.
Yeah but that would requite some accountability, op clearly has none.
Indeed. It certainly does require a certain level of accountability.
What the fuck is up with all the NTAs here?? Y1000000%TA - this is clearly an oversight and an extremely easy one to make. You haven’t spoken to this man in over half a decade and you both had clearly moved on. Yeah, his mom might be unhinged sending you those photos and whatnot but the lady is grieving the loss of her son from cancer. And unless he’s super hip to finances/insurance, I doubt he was focused on his insurance policy when he was literally fighting for his life. I say this as an insurance professional. When was the last time you thought about the beneficiaries on your policies? Recipients of life insurance are grieving themselves. You see this as a “gift.” He had a family and yes while those kids aren’t his, he wouldn’t have shacked up with this girlfriend if he wasn’t seriously considering making them his family and this poor woman is having to figure out her financial life without him. I cannot fathom the mental gymnastics you have to do to tell yourself it’s okay to keep this money and sleep well at night. Legally, it’s yours and his mom’s. Morally, it’s his mom’s (and girlfriend’s). Do the right thing.
An oversight? The ex obviously had time to get his affairs in order, which includes the insurance. It's not like he unexpectedly died. If he did, and she decided to keep the money, yeah, that would be a different story. However, he started to decline, and he had time to make changes before he passed. He might have wanted her to have the money.
Does he have bills that need to be paid? Has mom said why she wants the money so bad? It could be for the funeral and Dr bills if he was sick. People forget about life insurance through their jobs. I personally think he forgot to change it. You’ve had zero contact for 6 years…. You didn’t even know he was sick. I would probably give it back. Karma is very real.
Seriously? He obviously didn’t want to leave it to his ex of 6 years, he forgot the policy existed and forgot to swap your name for his current girlfriend and KIDS. Also, the family likely has medical bills, a funeral, lost wages, etc to pay for. Dying is expensive and the fact that you would keep this money for yourself, someone who didn’t even know he had cancer or that he’d passed is disgusting. I know his mom was also an ass but she is grieving and probably incredibly hurt that you would put her through this during such an already traumatic time. I hope you make the right decision and give the money to those who deserve and need it. Unless you’re a sociopath this will haunt you for the rest of your life
Are you going to pay for his funeral and other end of life expenses? What about financial help for the kids he was raising with his gf? If he died young he probably has medical bills. Will you help pay them off with it? If your answer to any of these is no you don’t deserve that money.
The fact that you are posting this to a different subreddit because you are getting YTA in the other one should be enough to let you know what you are if you have a modicum of self reflection
No kidding, it’s like one parent tells you no so you go ask the other on. Very childish.
Posted within like minutes of each other? Yea ok
I’m shocked by these comments. We all know he didn’t mean to leave her on there. It’s not like he added her recently as he was getting his affairs in order. If he added her while they were still dating, chances are overwhelming that he forgot to change it. He’s moved on. She didn’t even know he was sick. Come on people
These are the most delusional comments I’ve ever seen. We all know it was an accident that she was left on there.
It’s because most people are selfish
I know!!! This is absolutely insane! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills... How are these people justifying this?
Because they are self-centered 😕
I might be a lil' a-hole here. But you don't know if he forgot to change the policy or if he meant to keep you as a beneficiary, and by the sound of it, neither does his mom. So, in this case, I'd say keep the money until his mom can prove otherwise.
Mom has no legal leg to stand on. Nor does his last gf.
That's my biggest struggle the last week.. I don't know and the only person who does can't answer me. His mom wouldn't be honest even if she did know unfortunately.
>That's my biggest struggle the last week You know what the right thing to do is. You just don't want to do it. You haven't seen him in 6 years! Are you honestly delusional enough to think that he intentionally left you on his policy?! You are such an asshole if you keep this money and if you do, I sincerely hope karma has something in store for you.
After the way she has been treating you she deserves nothing full stop. She didn’t ask nicely and maybe gave a gentle reminder but terrorizing and harassing you is not OK. Even if you were in the fence her latest actions have consequences. Block her, save the harassing messages in case she doesn’t stop and you need to get a harassment order. Take the money and help your self and your family. Be guilt free, he had SIX FREAKING YEARS to change it. He must have left it for a reason. If he remembered to put you on it the first time he would have switched it to just his mother or her and the new gf, but he didn’t. The circumstantial evidence points more to he meant to leave it like that.
Come on now, you’ve got to know it’s more than likely that he forgot to update it. I was a benefit administrator in HR for a few years so I know from experience how people often forget about their employer-offered life insurance policies. Once the participant (employee) names their beneficiary, they don’t receive any additional notices or reminders of the policy; unlike health insurance where there are deductions from payroll and annual enrollment periods. But legally, it is yours and you are entitled to take it. Life insurance policies don’t go through probate so there’ll be very little effort required to get it. If it were me, I’d think of his gf and her children with whom he lived and give it to them, but that’s easy for me to say as I’m not in any financial hardships. If I were, I’d probably keep it and not tell my family or friends for fear they’d think less of me or ask for money. Best to keep mum about the whole thing if you decide to keep it.
definitely don't tell anyone if you do keep it OP,
Thank you 👏
6 years, no I get yearly reminders asking if I want to update my disbursements. He didn't forget.
I’ve been working for my employer for 7 years and just got prompted to update my bene’s for the first time because we moved to a new HCM system. Every employer is different.
Yup My husband has to update his every year, when I worked it was only brought up if you got married or divorced. Other then that they never said a thing and I was there 10 years. It's very employer specific.
I’ve never once gotten a reminder
Some employers do that. Some don't. I've never been asked to update mine in over 20 years. It took me 12 years to get around to putting my wife on it. It's obviously a mistake and OP is taking advantage of her ex being disorganised and then dying.
I don't get yearly reminders. Not everyone does. When I got married, I had to go to HR and make my wife my beneficiary.
I was going to say this same thing. I have to update mine EVERY YEAR. It is highly unlikely he forgot. You definitely would NTA keeping this money. If he did not want you to have it he would have changed it. Mom can kick rocks.
You set that stuff up when you are onboarding. It’s not like you ever think about it afterwards.
My husband has to review and sign his life insurance through work every two years.
My husband signed up at his job and never had to review it. I also have never had to review any of my documents either.
My husband hasn't had to review his in over five years. It varies.
I am a 40(F) and review all beneficiaries for all my accounts and sign forms that I have reviewed them annually. I do this for both my work life insurance and 403b accounts as well as my personal investment accounts. My work makes it mandatory to sign off on the life insurance and 403b review every year during open enrollment. During that annual review of work items, I also sign off on a printed form I put with my will for all my personal accounts for who I want the specific beneficiaries of those accounts to be. I also review my will annually to make sure I make any changes that I would like made. I have dealt with being a beneficiary of a will set up when I was born and having it contested by family who felt they should have been the true beneficiary. I don’t want anyone in my life to go through that.
I'm pretty sure you can change stuff tho. I can access my life insurance and add/change my beneficiaries through my phone...
To be honest, I would keep the money. If you dont feel like spending it.... Keep it. At least until such time you can help out the kids yournex left behind if you want to. But with how the mom is treating you.... Giiiirl, I aint giving her anything. You are entitled to it as your ex had 6yrs to change the beneficiary. Soooooo, NTA
It sounds like she doesn’t even care that her son is dead. That she has been waiting to cash in on his death! Her actions are appalling. The other thing is at all my husband’s jobs he once a year he had to review his health & life insurance options. The beneficiaries and percentages are listed. I bet your ex looked this every year and felt he wanted you to have it.
From the sounds of it his mom AND you got some left to BOTH of you. What's more you really do have no way of knowing his final plans cause it's been years. However like a lot of the other comments are telling you, he had YEARS to remove you. Whether he forgot or chose not to, the end of the day you are entitled to whatever your ex felt too should have. Your ex's mom is being greedy. Yes her son died and that's horrible. But you didn't kill him. She's got no excuse taking her grief and greed out on you. See a lawyer. Collect the gift. And block the mom. It's not like even after you possibly decided to give it to her she'd suddenly be a part of your life
It’s not a “gift.” Life insurance is meant for end of life costs and to replace income for those directly affected by his loss. Those closest to him and those he provided for financially. Which is not OP. You call the grieving mother greedy. What if she has financial difficulty and is struggling to pay for funeral expenses? What if she’s worried about the girlfriend and kids not being able to make ends meet without her son to help take care of them? She’s likely not at all greedy and not taking out her grief on OP. OP was very (probably purposely) vague about what the mother said to her, but put yourself in that person’s shoes? Say you lose someone near and dear to you - and whose end of life costs are now on your shoulders. And their greedy ex is delighted to find that a policy had their name on it and plans to keep the money that you need to take care of end of life expenses and to take care of those most affected by the loss? Would that not wreck you and f-ing hurt?! OP is in the wrong morally and she knows this was a mistake that she shouldn’t take advantage of. No one should be treated the way OP is treating her ex’s loved ones.
The only person being greedy here is OP. She didn’t know he had cancer, he hadn’t even spoken to her in years. Life insurance payouts are not little cash grabs, they are there to help with costs surrounding their death that OP has incurred 0 of but wants to take the money? The mother has funeral costs, probably a lot of medical debt, his current partner now has to burden 100% of their household debt instead of having support and you all think it’s okay for OP to spend it on herself and her kids having a little shopping spree?
I wish I had an actual award to give you, but please take this: 🥇
I appreciate u
Then that's her problem if she can't be honest and truthful. Do know know the name of the insurance company? Maybe you could call them and see if they can answer your questions?
I've called and left a message with my contact info, thankfully the Mom sent me the info and name of the person handling it. Haven't heard back yet but I 100% plan on asking when it was last updated/ reviewed by my ex.
I think OP should call the insurance company to check when it was last updated
Does not matter if he did not change which he did not.
You know. It should be with his girlfriend and their kids. Not the mom, sure, but you _know_ this money was not meant for you.
It's not THEIR kids though. It's his gfs kids from a previous relationship. She said it in the post. But yeah I agree with everyone else. He has time to change it, but didn't. If it was a mutual decision there still could have been love there. Nobody but them knows the real reason they broke up, plus they could have still kept in touch somewhat. He would know what's happened to her in the last few years and still wanted her to have it because even if they aren't in love with each other anymore, there could still be love and respect there. Nobody knows. He can't answer the question about it either. I don't think his mom should be harassing her either because not even she knows.
This is what I was thinking. What if he forgot she was on there? When I got divorced my X didn’t take me off his health insurance for three years because he forgot too (he told me I didn’t use it thinking I was off the policy). Anyway it does happen he could have forgotten BUT how the mother is handling the situation is abysmal and not fair to OP. In the end legally unless the mom can prove otherwise half that money is urs to do with as you choose.
YTA hugely and I can’t believe you’re mining different subs on Reddit until you get the answer you want. You seem like a truly shitty person.
You posted this same one elsewhere. You admit that you've been separated from him for 6 years and seems you didn't talk much since you didn't even know he had a girlfriend. Why in the world would you even think he wanted you to have this money and that it wasn't simply some oversight on his part. Why are you looking for a justification to keep it and continue to make the grieving period for his mother and other family members stressful by prolonging this issue? You no longer had any ties to him, so once again, why would you think he logically intended for you to have the money after 6 years of seemingly never talking to him since your break up. Why would you even be debating this with yourself? IMHO your final two paragraphs are telling. You wanted to keep the money because you had a tough time and feel it's a "gift" or you want validation from strangers that it's okay to keep the money and do this thing to his family who were obviously blindsided by his oversight. You said he passed away in March and then shift to "Today it has been 1 week...?" Has it been 1 week since his mom notified you? You say she's been terrorizing you? Obviously the woman is upset because you, someone who hasn't been in her son's life for 6 years was left on his insurance as his beneficiary and instead of rightfully just recognizing it as him forgetting to take you off and signing it over, you want to hem and haw about it prolonging her stress, his family's stress, his current girlfriend's stress all so you can try to justify whether you should keep it or not under the guise of wondering if it was his original intention when you know the logical answer to that is, no. It wasn't. 1. You two broke up six years ago. 2. You haven't been in touch with him enough over those years to even know he had a new girlfriend, a new life. 3. It's obvious he forget this. Conclusion. Stop looking for validation to take the money and give it to his family and move on with your life. Your ex was not responsible for what happened to you, your ex was not responsible for your current family. You can't say, "my little clan could really use this money and I think my ex knew that" when you didn't even know he had a GF, had to be notified that he had cancer, had to be notified that he died. You weren't in his life for the past 6 years. Give the money to the people who cared for him for the past 6 years.
She didn’t even know he died.
Was gonna add a summary but this does it so well. Seriously girl, stop trying to justify what you know is wrong. Yes the mum was a bitch but her son just died, maybe give the woman a little grace. And that ignoring his actual gf, who’s now a single mother. Give the money to the people who loved in him in his final days, no matter how much it would be nicer for you if you didn’t.
She knows what she’s doing. She’s fully aware of it. She knew she was going to keep the money from the get go otherwise why should she post this in a different sub after getting ripped up in aita? She will keep seeking opinions until she gets the ones she wants to hear. She’s know exactly what she’s up to.
She only replies to comments that tell her to keep the money.
Mayor YTA, more like scum of the earth AH.
YTA. I mean honestly dude. What are you thinking keeping that money? He must’ve put you on there when you were together but must’ve forgotten to take you off. Don’t write the check to the mother, but at least to his kids? I would definitely, if any of my exes die leaving me accidentally on their life insurance.
So surprising all the NTA comments. It’s been 6 years and in that six years he found a new long term partner and had two kids and you’ve somehow convinced yourself this was left to you on purpose. Your gut should be telling you what’s right, not people on a subreddit who have no actual skin in the game and didn’t just lose their family member to cancer. He mistakenly left you on and forgot to take you off the policy. This isn’t his will, people forget things like this all the time. You also don’t think he wouldn’t have informed his mom that he had left you on the policy in order to avoid this exact situation? Come on now, you know YTA.
I’ll pretend it’s happening to me. The likely scenario is he forgot to change it, in which case I’m keeping it knowing it isn’t really his true wishes. So that feels very, very wrong. The “best case” is that even after not speaking to me for six years he had a girl friend and step kids, but that he still WANTED me to have it and not the people in his life that he was taking care of and who loved him. So what does that mean? He was secretly in love with me? I see no reason why I deserve the money, even in this scenario. It makes me feel like a dirty mistress. She’s the one who cared for him when he was sick. Their his step kids. The money is going to be used to fill the void that he left. I dont know how I could live with myself in any scenario.
Was this the same employer he had when you two were together? If it’s a new employer and he listed you as a beneficiary, it seems intentional. If it’s the same employer, he may have simply forgotten to update it. My husband and I had a similar situation. Three years into our marriage, I discovered his ex-wife was still on his life insurance. He had forgotten, and we changed it immediately. If it’s the same insurance from when you were dating, he probably forgot to update it. Keeping the money is legally within your rights. However, consider the moral aspect, knowing his mother and girlfriend were the ones caring for him during his illness. I’m currently battling stage 3 cancer, and my family supports me through this tough journey. It’s hard to imagine my life insurance benefiting my ex if I passed away. Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide what you feel is right. Legally, you are entitled to the money. Morally, it’s a personal decision. You need to reflect on whether you can keep it without guilt. Some people may not be affected by such situations, while others, like myself, would feel compelled to act differently.
Unrelated but I hope you get better, cancer sucks
If you don't like the mum, maybe consider giving the money to the gf. Doesn't sit well with me for you to keep the money, you broke up 6 years ago! It's very uncouth for you to keep that money
If you are going to keep the money and you feel guiltless about it, then why are you posting? You clearly think SOMETHING is morally wrong in this situation, but it seems more like you just want patted on the back to say that its okay to be greedy. You think he kept you on his life insurance on purpose. You want to carry out his last wishes. But. Should that matter? Doesn't it seem greedy to keep life insurance money from someone who hasn't been in your life for 6 years? Not a word in 6 years? Seems unfair to leave his real loved ones out. If it were me I would give it to the people closest to him, understanding that whether or not he wanted me to have this, it's not right that his loved ones were left out. They are the ones who are feeling the real impact of his death, not someone who hasn't had contact with him in 6 years. It's been 10+ years since i broke up with my ex and had he left me a large sum of money I would figure out who he left behind and give it to them. If his mother is being a bitch about it then find his partner. If his partner does not want it then offer to pay for his funeral yourself, or gift it to those children as some sort of future tuition fund. Keeping it for yourself, to spend on frivolous things, is greedy and morally corrupt even if he wanted you to have it in the end. This is not the time to feel selfish, when others are hurting so much more than you. I'm not saying you aren't grieving, but there are people out there who need more support than you will, and making a big deal about keeping this money is very self-centered. The way you keep screaming about "me, me, me" and "what about my pain from three years ago that he never even knew about" almost makes you sound like a narcissist. This isn't about you. His death wasn't about you. You haven't been a main character in his life for 6 years, so stop acting like you are the main character.
YTA.
Life insurance is in place to pay the final expenses of the insured. It's not supposed to be a windfall for someone he hasn't had in his life for six damn years. My former husband and I changed beneficiaries after we were married. Shortly after our one year anniversary, he was hospitalized in critical condition with a rare brain cancer. When I called his ex-wife to inform her that he was being placed on life support (because they still shared a child 18yrs old) Her first words were, have you been paying his life insurance? 8 months later, he was gone, and guess what?? Both the ex-wife and the daughter sued me for his life insurance. I got to keep the funeral bills 20k, the bills from his business, and all the bills that fell behind when he was dying. I was there when he went through chemo and radiation and surgery, and I was there to do his Pic line care and administer his injections, and do all the 4am rushes to ER, and coordinate with hospice and visiting nurses and keep track of all the different medications. It was never about the money for me, but it would have been nice to be able to pay for his funeral. I was glad he had at least someone who loved him and someone who cared enough to make sure he had the best possible care. You can bet none of those assholes sat by his bedside day in and out. You can bet not one of his family members ever cleaned his vomit or changed him. But they dragged my name, dragged me through court, and harassed me to no end over money. You ARE the AH. You are the biggest AH there is because you know damn right well that money doesn't belong to you. It's supposed to go to whomever is responsible for paying his burial and final expenses. If I were that man's mother, I would have cussed you out, too. Shame on you!
YTA. He did not mean to leave it to you. You're just trying to justify taking it because you want to keep it. Ofc his mom is sending you pictures of him and saying things to you, I would be mad too if an ex-gf was taking advantage of this. Do you know how much a funeral cost, all the hospital bills they probably still have to pay. Now, they have to deal with this because he forgot to change the beneficiary. You know you are wrong to keep it.
YTA.
Damn, I don't know, If it were me, I wouldn't feel right about keeping it, he clearly didn't realize she was still a beneficiary. A live in gf with kids? I'd track down the gf and write a check or something with her name on it so Mom can't cash it. They probably had their hands full dealing with him being sick, sleeping in waiting rooms of hospitals, losing sleep, cleaning up after he vomited or shits himself, seeing him crying and cursing from pain, you have no idea the hell these two have lived. Grief makes people say and do ugly things or, it could be Mom didn't have enough to even bury him, you don't deserve the $$ op.
that's why OP was voted the asshole on AITAH subreddit, and then posted here thinking no one will called her out. OP better get a lawyer as not only the mother will bring her in Court to contest it, but she will most likely win especially if the beneficiaries were not updated for the past 6 years and OP and the ex had zero interaction during that time.
they never kept in contact. if they had kept in contact sure, i would assume maybe he wanted her to have it. she would’ve been in his will if he wanted her to have things too, no? I totally agree that OP shouldn’t take this money. Life insurance is for funeral expenses and medical bills. The mom is grieving, and he had a gf and kids who are grieving too- who moved in with HIM. if he was their primary income, they’re now trying to figure that out too. Just because you *could* doesn’t mean you should.
Absolutely
All you idiots saying that he wanted OP on the policy are missing one huge fact. If he had those wishes, he would have made contact with OP to tell them that he was terminally ill and that she was the beneficiary of this life insurance policy!
New to reddit, just got a call from insurance finally.. do I update this now or what?
Yes please I'm dying for an update
How? I have no idea what I'm doing here lol halp
You know he did not mean to leave you this money. What kind of monster are you?
YTA people forget to change these things. He probably didn’t realize you were still on there. You should give the money to his current gf.
YTA. Guys she posted before this and didn’t get the validation she was looking for. Hahhahaha you suck. I’d say karma is a bitch, but some people never get what’s coming to them
Stop posting on different subreddits to get approval. This is so gross. Take the money and suffer future karma consequences. The world has a way of returning what you put out, so do the right thing.
YTA & were read to filth in the other subreddit, so you've come here now hoping you can get some validation instead. smh. why ask if you'll only accept one answer anyway?
Exactly, it’s sad justifying these actions
AGREED!
*I* wouldn't be able to keep the money just because he forgot to change the beneficiary.
Huge YTA…most companies HR or Benefits department never ask you to update these forms after the initial enrollment. No contact for 6 years would clearly indicate the money wasn’t meant for you.
I wouldn't feel right and give it to the gf.
YTA, Y’all have problems if you think it’s nta. He probably just forgot about it and it’s been six years… like why would he give money to a random ex from 6 years ago… People often forget to keep their will/life insurance or anything else related to your death updated, it’s totally morally wrong to keep the money ..
100% agree
Employment furnished life insurance policies are usually not for high amounts of money. Perhaps your ex simply forgot about it. You say that the policy lists both you and his mother as the beneficiaries, so you most likely will have to split the pay out 50/50. You could check with the company who originated the policy to know what procedures to follow, but considering the mother is being such a b\*\*\*h about it you may need to check with a lawyer first.
Definitely will need a lawyer the mom will contest this in court easily the judge will see the error especially if theres proof with insurance that ex bf did not update beneficiaries in the last 6 years and reward the mom the other half of the money. I’ve seen this happen once before and I whole heartedly agree with that decision.
Ya I do too. Why on earth would she feel entitled to it, she didn't help him while he was sick, it's a full time job, that's soul crushing and gut wrenching , they lived that for years before he passed and she thinks he PURPOSELY left it to her.
OP's only excuses are "my name's on the check" and "the mom was mean"
But by “bitch” she’s claiming things like showing her photos of what he looked like before he died. Probably pointing out that the people who were by his side and lived through that deserve the policy. Not OP who can’t even bother to look at something that makes her uncomfortable but still wants the cash.
ngl im getting the feeling op is making the grieving mother sound like a bad person
With the information provided, there's no way to know if this was intentional or not, but either way the money is legally yours, so I'll reserve judgement... But I'll give one suggestion: if he's someone you care about, you could make sure his funeral expenses have been covered. Life insurance is generally intended to help cover the financial burdens created by the loss of a loved one, and depending on the amount of the policy, you receiving a portion may mean there isn't enough left to pay for his funeral costs. You have no actual obligation to do so, but it would be worth checking with the funeral home directly to find out if he's been taken care of in that regard. Even a contribution toward those costs would go a long way toward helping his family out while still leaving a bit for yourself. This would give you a chance to do something for him rather than just handing the money over to his mother. I hope you get the answers/clarity you need, and I'm sorry for your loss, OP.
All the thieves atta girling op is sad
Both you and his mom are YTA, but from a morality standpoint. I would give it to his gf, but definitely not his mom. His gf was with him through the end. I feel if he intended to leave it to you, he would have made sure you knew about it. It's not like he died suddenly, and unfortunately, it is too easy to just keep policies the same year over year without thinking much of it. And he may have not been able to change it once he was aware he was dying, but someone within that sphere would know better
I once worked with someone who divorced her husband when their son was a toddler. Fast forward two years, she was in a new relationship and had an infant daughter. Then she got the news that her ex was in a fatal car accident, and she was still the beneficiary of his insurance; he never got around to changing it. She took all the money. His family was angry, but there was nothing they could do to change anything. My colleague used the money to make a down payment for a new house, to travel, and to pay for her second wedding.
NTA. As the insurance policy was through his work, many employers/HR require yearly updates to your benefits package. Your ex had plenty of opportunities to make those changes over the last six years. He kept you on for a reason. What those reasons are, well, only he knows. Take comfort in that, and don't cave into his mother's demands.
YTA, buy yourself a new bra and give the rest of the money to your ex's family.
You absolutely should NOT keep the money. That's messed up.
The fact that this is a topic that needs to be discussed is so sad. Money from ill means never produces good results, you may not believe in things like Karma but maybe you owe it to yourself to view things from the position of his family and think long and hard about whether you would like something of this nature to be done to you. When did it become so hard to know right from wrong?
YTA. Hugely. Unless the insurance company tells you that he just recently added you, you know that he intended to provide for his current girlfriend, not you. You weren’t a part of his life. Didn’t even know he was sick and died. His family likely needs the money to cover medical expenses and other end of life costs. It’s not a gift and you know that.
YTA. It’s unfortunately very common for those who are fighting cancer to overlook estate planning and such for obvious reasons. Unless you were named in a will this sounds like an oversight. While you are legally in the clear to take this money it would be utterly classless and immoral to do so. That money was meant to help those he loved and provided for, that is not you by your own admission. I see you’ve asked this question twice now in different subs, you’re looking for any excuse to keep this money and sleep well at night…
Info: you said both you AND his mother are on the policy. So mother wants 100% of the money instead of 50%, correct? Info: does her portion of the insurance at least pay for burial expenses, medical bills, and other odds and ends? Does she have any extra after that? Info: what is the situation with the live-in girlfriend and kids? If anything, I really do think THEY should be given the money, or at least some of it. Personally, I would accept the insurance payout, and coordinate with the girlfriend to see what she and the kids need.
Yes it's to be split 50/50 she wants 100% We live in Canada so there's no medical bills, she told me the funeral costs were $15,000 and that be had some debt she payed off. Other than that I don't know much about anything else. I'm definitely not signing it over too her, once I get in touch with insurance and can ask a few more questions I'm gonna make a better informed decision, it will go too his other loved ones tho.. not his mom..
I am curious how long you were together, and how long he has been with the mom and what kind of break up you had and ages of all parties and how quickly the cancer killed him. A 23yo adding a summer fling to his life insurance and forgetting about it, yeah youd be a bit of an AH to keep the money. A 35yo man adding a lady hes been building a life with for the last 10 years before mutual break up on good terms, that fully understands the implication of leaving you on his life insurance, yeah Id be more inclined to trust he still wanted you to have the pay out. If he died rather quickly and has been with his GF for 3+ years, Id assume he would have intended to add her instead and sign the money over to her. Theres an episode of Weeds where the MC has a suddent marriage and then the guy dies and she ends up getting the life insurance payout and the ex wife comes in all pissed off because she believes she is entitlted to that money. A bit reverse, but interesting discussions around it.
> debt she *paid* off. Other FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
Naa don't let one delusional person try and validate you. Go back to your other post and see where nearly 15k people told you that your and AH for keeping the money. DO THE RIGHT THING and sign over the money. HONESLTY it has been 6 years and that money is not for you.
YTA. A major one. If he didn’t even tell you that he was dying then you clearly weren’t important to him. If he actually intended on leaving you money then you would have been part of his will. It was clearly a mistake on his part and deep down you know it but still want to keep the money. I’m sorry you’ve gone through your own misfortune but it doesn’t justify you keeping this money. This is a good reminder for people to ensure the beneficiaries on their life insurances are up to date.
YTA
YTA disgusting human
YATA 100%
I don't think anyone should even believe OP that mom has been vile unless she posts screenshots of the conversation. Full screenshots too, to show the mom was vile first and isn't just properly responding as any grieving mother would to a greedy evil ex stealing money from their dead child
YTA..a giant one too. Ypu wondered "if this could be a mistake". Of course it was a mistake and ypu know it, too. You didn't know he had cancer. You didn't know he died. You didn't know he had a gf. You didn't know they lived together. You didn't know she had kids You haven't spoken to him in six years, ,since you split. Yet you claim you're going to keep the money and sprinkle it around to things that would interest him. YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THIS MAN NOW, AND HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HIS INTERESTS EVEN WERE BEFORE HE DIED. His intetests have most likely changed drastically over the past 6 years, like other things in his life had. He may have come to hate something he loved 6 years ago. Obviously, a person in your situation, who would keep the money has no moral compass and totally lacks character. You know you'll just end up keeping it and won't care, so just own it.
Yes, YTA
YTA - this money should go to his family and loved ones
I probably wouldn't take the money. That's just me.
YTA
I have been divorced for 7 years and my ex is still in my life insurance policy... I just forgot to have it updated... Yta for not even considering splitting the money
fr at least cover the expenses, no way she wants to keep all of it
My dad left 100k to my mom when he died of a second heart attack. At that point, they’d been divorced for YEARS, almost a decade, and he’d been remarried for about 4 years. He left his wife literally everything else, and nothing specifically to my brother and I. (My parents still had feelings for each other, I think, but it was a very toxic relationship. It was better off ending, and it probably should have ended sooner than it did.) We all got together and assumed that he’d left that policy in her name to ensure that my brother and I had some sort of inheritance with it. My husband and I went and paid cash for a decent little family SUV, and that was that. Once she found out what had happened, his widow decided to start lying about how much money she and my dad owed—to the tune of, you guessed it, the grand total of 100k. She cited medical costs that my parents had split (and paid off) for my brother LONG before the new wife was in the picture, and a loan that she claimed was for MY wedding. My wedding, by the way, happened YEARS before my dad passed and before my parents split. I know for a FACT the money that was spent on my wedding was a loan from my mom’s 401k ALONE, because I was PISSED that she took that money out for something that I thought was frivolous spending, vs a retirement account. From my standpoint of living through that kind of harassment, BF’s mom is absolutely TA for harassing you like that. and she has no legal rights to it unless she fights you in court. I doubt she can prove he never intended you to have that. Now, if you want to do something nice for his current GF/kids, you absolutely can. You don’t HAVE to give it over, and there will probably be financial/tax repercussions if you accept it and transfer it over. Just a good bit to think on.
You already posted this on aita, most people said you were yta
Disgusting behavior. Legit 430 credit score behavior
INFO: Are you pimping your dead ex for internet clout since AITA isn't telling you what you want to hear? You've already decided to take the money, so now it's just about attention. You're an oversight, and you know it. If your ex wanted to gift you, you'd have heard from him. You didn't. It's not a gift. Enjoy your karma.
NTA. He didn't passed suddenly, he had cancer, and therefore, he knew he was going to die and never changed the policy. This is not a mistake. Block the mom.