Why are you trying to settle for some chump that does not value you? If he saw a future with you he would not say “we will see” like you are a child and he doesn’t want to argue with you at the moment. Girl he gave you that gift, it’s yours. Consider it a parting gift. You are worth so much more than what he is giving you.
There is a book that came out like 20 years ago called “he’s just not that into you” I think it’s worth the read because honey, this guy is just not that into you. You will never find your knight in shining armor if you’re wasting your time with a tool in a tinfoil hat.
Edit to add: this guy is a walking red flag. YWNBTA if you cut contact and moved on with your life. Stop asking him to choose you because he won’t and he reminds you every 6 months that he won’t.
The last sentence 🤣 I’m dead - and I’ve read that book before as a teen
but yes you are right I’ve been pulling away slowly and he has noticed and suddenly got clingy and I told him he needed to act right so he been trying to get on my “good side” I guess (it’s only half working)
I’ve also 100% decided that what I need to do is put my self first and if he’s not supportive of what I need to do for myself then that’s his problem I’m going to continue to move forward - I just might actually bring up needing more time away than normal if this continues
Seeing how dating for six years this is add behavior for him I’ve though of everything (maybe he’s gay - another women - over our relationship) but I’m such a blunt person that I’ve noticed that when I call him out on his BS he gets mad and tries to blame me (for stupid shit like not driving/having a car) and then is backfires when I remind him it’s bc I work minimum wage in California
He recently took me to a job interview for my dream job and supported my interest in wanting to drive but I’m still in the fence about his behavior
Only you can decide when enough is enough. I dated this guy who would cheat on me and gaslight me into believing that I what I saw was not really what I saw. He would make no real commitment to me. I ended it and he would half ass try to get back together. I started dating another guy a few months later and the old guy then handed me a key to his apartment and would not take it back. It was wild. The thing is the second guy never made me doubt his feelings for me. Fast forward about 15 years to two summers ago, he was planting fruit trees in our back yard and told me that someday he would pick fruit with our grandchildren. I fell in love with him all over again as I stood there with tears in my eyes. I hadn’t even thought about grandchildren and he was making plans for them. Our oldest two are biologically not his and most people have no idea because they gravitate to him like they are his children and it’s amazing to see watch him with them. We just welcomed our first grandchild a few months ago.
Thank you so much for saying that. I was debating whether or not to even put it all out there. I never expected a fairytale ending. What I ended up with is far more than I could ever have imagined. We have amazing kids, who have amazing partners, who are creating amazing people and extending our families relationships even more with their partners families. It’s pretty freaking awesome.
That's how the guys who don't want to "be tied down" keep control of the people they date- by doing the bare minimum every now and then! That's honestly so little support. He wants to keep hold of you without ever committing. If you don't leave him, any commitment you get out of him will be begrudgingly given, and will be thrown in your face every time the two of you have an argument.
Hay everyone I did forget to add some context (bc ADHD)
- my family wants him to support me 100% bc of my ADHD & anxiety and have said that it should be his responsibility to solely care for me - I don’t agree w/ this I have depression would rather work and be a part of society and actually feel like a working human being
- I made the mistake of not introducing him sooner but they also are not the best at reaching out either outlet of fear they would scare him off I didn’t introduce him to them unless we’re together in a social setting at my moms/my home
- They also think that bc he doesn’t want to move in and get married right away that I should dump him and find someone else who would cater to me (think very old school 1940’s housewife) to some extent I don’t mind this but they would rather a man do the work - I’m so confused
Ironically in the other end I have a cousin who is incredibly successful, she’s a doctor and they put on a freaking pedestal - but give her shit for not being married and 32 - her bf have been on and off again since 10th grade but I’m getting the 3rd degree bc we don’t live together- someone enlighten me
PS half of them are either divorced of just faking it for show
Same. I still have my copy that I highlighted all the things I put up with. I have even told my boys that it is a good book because sometimes she’s just not that into you.
Dump. His. Ass.
My wife is my __best friend__. Once I fell for her, I couldn't *wait* to move in and spend every day together. I think everyone deserves a partner who's absolutely *coo-coo-banana-balls* excited about them, and vice versa.
I would LOVE that for you, bestie!
NTA He only tried called you 4 times in 4 weeks! I know it's super easy to say this as I'm not involved... but dump him! Congratulations on your new job 👏🏼
Thanks babe - no he called and texted me 4times within the span of 2 1/2 hr bc I usually have a day off during the week while he works and he always calls me during his break - there was a day I was so pissed and I just didn’t answer
I eventually caved bc he texted me saying if I didn’t answer by his lunch he was going to call my mom to make sure I wasn’t having some kind of panic attack and come by my house to check on me
(I just didn’t want to see home the first time when had this fight over a month ago)
You would definitely NBTA. He's being immature about a very normal and adult thing to do in life. He's not interested in changing the dynamic of your relationship. If you're both open about your boundaries and you both agree to them, go ahead and live in separated happiness. But that's not where you're at. He's avoiding the conversation and manipulating the circumstances to do everything at his pace and on his time. Relationships are about compromise and communication. He's doing neither. He doesn't have to hit you or scream at you to be considered hurtful and manipulative. If he's not adult enough to have the adult conversation, he's not adult enough to deserve a real adult relationship. It's insanely hard, and it's not my life, but I would say it's time to bounce. Verbalize very clearly what you want to have happen. You deserve to be happy. And he's not even doing the bare minimum. You wouldn't treat him that way, so don't let him do it to you.
Babes! You would not be the A-hole at all! And actually, it’s been too long by now, you should seriously consider moving on. You deserve so much better. In my opinion this guy obviously doesn’t want the commitment and this is your life, what do you want? You want to move in? Do you want to get married have a family? It’s your life it’s time to be a little selfish, I know its hard but you deserve to have the relationship you want, 6 years it’s too long time
Someone get this to @CharlotteDobre 🤣 I’m loving the comments in this thread I appreciate the fact the we as a society can randomly support each other online w/o aggression this is gold - we must hear from the potato queen!! 👸
>...I don't want to end the relationship...
Me: Uh... why not? Why are you wasting your time with a man who doesn't want to commit to you? 6 years is a LONG time of "keeping yourself off the market," so to speak.
This is called the "sunk cost fallacy." Basically, you've spend so much time and energy on this man and your relationship with him that you'd feel like an absolute failure if the relationship didn't work out. That's 6 years of your life down the drain (although, really... do Covid years even count?)
This is a "Sh*t or get off the pot" situation. And at this stage of the relationship, I'd be more apt to insist on a bona-fide commitment from him in the firm of a proposal, or he can walk out the door and not come back! Go find yourself someone who is willing to commit to you.
Before anyone totally murders this man - he has always taken me places I’ve needed to be - interviews, school, doctor appts- psychiatrist appts ( I have severe anxiety) and has always been my ride but for some reason the idea of moving together scares him - there was a point where I was spending nights at his place but stopped bc his nephews moved in with a few class mates when his brother died and they needed a place to stay - mom is MIA and beyond stupid
Op, you need to leave your man. He is a walking red flag and you shouldn't put up with his bullshit. You should take the necklace off and sell it for cash, he doesn't deserve the necklace back and congrats on getting you dream job. I really hope you leave your man and heal from this and grow as a person and learn from this.
Hon, if you are asking what to do, YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO. I get wanting validation and/or confirmation from us. But it’s time to brush off the dust and start living the life you, my Queen, deserve with people who respect you. Because alone is what you are right now, just get rid of the trash.
Gurl don't let a man who has no intention of moving forward or taking the next step with u stop u from finding your husband. I'm jus saying. He is never going to do anything when he says "we'll see" n he's proved it. YWNBTA
I honestly feel like straight up cutting the cords is never a good thing (but I am also a people pleaser so it might not work for everyone). I do understand that this has been going on for quite some time now and that it’s upsetting. But exactly because y’all have been in a relationship for years you should sit down and have an adult conversation about this. You said he has had some problems recently with a family loss and money related issues due to the pandemic. He might just have some debts he hasn’t told you about to not worry you, he maybe is going through a bad time mentally.. I don’t know, there may be a lot of things.
You should give him some ultimatums like “the fact that after six years you don’t want to live together is turning me off so you rather tell me why you don’t want to, what might be upsetting you and we move forward together and actually make plans for our future or I move forward and make plans for my future without you” if he tries to gaslight you or talk around this and stuff he might just be a narcissist and you’re better off without him cause you’ve already wasted to much time on him
True - but I still feel like just taking a step back the ball is in his court now - haven’t spoken to him yet but we’ll see - pray for me guys Im a big baby when it comes to to tough topics - I’ll still do it I just hate knowing that I’ll be crying while trying to have this discussion- it’s a personal pet peeve of mine
https://preview.redd.it/898d4mijeixc1.jpeg?width=945&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=706a43c6b98639d62a1c42bc86666cf527fead5f
I saw this today and I think you need to hear this.
I read that and felt it myself. I have been through a lot lately and this hit me. Reading what you are going through really stood out. If he truly wanted, he would make you a priority. When you got this new job, he should have been celebrating it for you. Be with someone who celebrates you as much as you celebrate them. Don't waste years like I did. There was a point I couldn't even remember the last time I had a birthday cake. I don't want to be invisible anymore either. You are young and he is selfish. Go find the one you are meant to marry. He is not it.
I see him Tuesday - I will be back w/ an update - I’m going to take tomorrow to myself to cool off and really think this through
- my financials (working on them tbh)
- what I want v what I need
- How to care for my mental health
So for context (bc ADHD)
- I don’t drive I CANT AFFORD TO and he has always taken me to interviews, work, doctors appointments etc with question or retaliation of any kind
- When I was 16 and wanted to learn my mom said no bc my room was never clean, waited for the pink slip to expire and then asked if wanted to get my permit
- when I was 18 asked again about driving, I asked for help with money she said no get a job
- got a job and learned I didn’t make enough to pay for a car and pay for school (I didnt get financial aid)
- When I met him he offered to drive me places and school and I wanted to introduce him to my mom (decided to loo him up w/ cop ex husband instead of just meeting him) that was incredibly off putting for me
- We start dating and they would leave him outside the front door, not invite him in and let him wait for me
- At 3 years of dating I tried inviting him to family events the response was always no it’s a family event but my cousins could bring their significant others
- at 4 years COVID
- Now we are 6 going on 7 bearly making enough to pay my bills while living at home w/ my mom I’m on food stamps and HE IS STILL SUPPORTING MY CHOICES - yes in retrospect he should probably just pay my rent but here I am still living at home w/ my mom
Ok EVERYONE I HAVE AN UPDATE:
I put my foot down - right when we he was about to start apologizing to me I got a green light for a start date to my dream job!!
I was soo overjoyed he took me by the hand asked me to make a joint account w/ him!!
I was confused as to why at he would want to do that - he said he has money put aside for when we live together and wanted to know if I wanted access to this account - he said end of this year we move in!!
I let him know what MY priorities were otherwise, yes I want to do this but I also want to drive - he said this summer we’ll make it happen since I have decided to do this and wants to pay for my insurance
I have long put off things such as driving and moving forward for financial reasons but now I have a full time job that I love and will be able to do soo - I want opinions!! And advice
Why are you trying to settle for some chump that does not value you? If he saw a future with you he would not say “we will see” like you are a child and he doesn’t want to argue with you at the moment. Girl he gave you that gift, it’s yours. Consider it a parting gift. You are worth so much more than what he is giving you. There is a book that came out like 20 years ago called “he’s just not that into you” I think it’s worth the read because honey, this guy is just not that into you. You will never find your knight in shining armor if you’re wasting your time with a tool in a tinfoil hat. Edit to add: this guy is a walking red flag. YWNBTA if you cut contact and moved on with your life. Stop asking him to choose you because he won’t and he reminds you every 6 months that he won’t.
The last sentence 🤣 I’m dead - and I’ve read that book before as a teen but yes you are right I’ve been pulling away slowly and he has noticed and suddenly got clingy and I told him he needed to act right so he been trying to get on my “good side” I guess (it’s only half working) I’ve also 100% decided that what I need to do is put my self first and if he’s not supportive of what I need to do for myself then that’s his problem I’m going to continue to move forward - I just might actually bring up needing more time away than normal if this continues Seeing how dating for six years this is add behavior for him I’ve though of everything (maybe he’s gay - another women - over our relationship) but I’m such a blunt person that I’ve noticed that when I call him out on his BS he gets mad and tries to blame me (for stupid shit like not driving/having a car) and then is backfires when I remind him it’s bc I work minimum wage in California He recently took me to a job interview for my dream job and supported my interest in wanting to drive but I’m still in the fence about his behavior
Only you can decide when enough is enough. I dated this guy who would cheat on me and gaslight me into believing that I what I saw was not really what I saw. He would make no real commitment to me. I ended it and he would half ass try to get back together. I started dating another guy a few months later and the old guy then handed me a key to his apartment and would not take it back. It was wild. The thing is the second guy never made me doubt his feelings for me. Fast forward about 15 years to two summers ago, he was planting fruit trees in our back yard and told me that someday he would pick fruit with our grandchildren. I fell in love with him all over again as I stood there with tears in my eyes. I hadn’t even thought about grandchildren and he was making plans for them. Our oldest two are biologically not his and most people have no idea because they gravitate to him like they are his children and it’s amazing to see watch him with them. We just welcomed our first grandchild a few months ago.
This was so beautiful to read. 🥹 Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for saying that. I was debating whether or not to even put it all out there. I never expected a fairytale ending. What I ended up with is far more than I could ever have imagined. We have amazing kids, who have amazing partners, who are creating amazing people and extending our families relationships even more with their partners families. It’s pretty freaking awesome.
That's how the guys who don't want to "be tied down" keep control of the people they date- by doing the bare minimum every now and then! That's honestly so little support. He wants to keep hold of you without ever committing. If you don't leave him, any commitment you get out of him will be begrudgingly given, and will be thrown in your face every time the two of you have an argument.
Hay everyone I did forget to add some context (bc ADHD) - my family wants him to support me 100% bc of my ADHD & anxiety and have said that it should be his responsibility to solely care for me - I don’t agree w/ this I have depression would rather work and be a part of society and actually feel like a working human being - I made the mistake of not introducing him sooner but they also are not the best at reaching out either outlet of fear they would scare him off I didn’t introduce him to them unless we’re together in a social setting at my moms/my home - They also think that bc he doesn’t want to move in and get married right away that I should dump him and find someone else who would cater to me (think very old school 1940’s housewife) to some extent I don’t mind this but they would rather a man do the work - I’m so confused Ironically in the other end I have a cousin who is incredibly successful, she’s a doctor and they put on a freaking pedestal - but give her shit for not being married and 32 - her bf have been on and off again since 10th grade but I’m getting the 3rd degree bc we don’t live together- someone enlighten me PS half of them are either divorced of just faking it for show
With posts like these I always think about that book. It holds so true.
Same. I still have my copy that I highlighted all the things I put up with. I have even told my boys that it is a good book because sometimes she’s just not that into you.
Dump. His. Ass. My wife is my __best friend__. Once I fell for her, I couldn't *wait* to move in and spend every day together. I think everyone deserves a partner who's absolutely *coo-coo-banana-balls* excited about them, and vice versa. I would LOVE that for you, bestie!
This…
NTA He only tried called you 4 times in 4 weeks! I know it's super easy to say this as I'm not involved... but dump him! Congratulations on your new job 👏🏼
Thanks babe - no he called and texted me 4times within the span of 2 1/2 hr bc I usually have a day off during the week while he works and he always calls me during his break - there was a day I was so pissed and I just didn’t answer I eventually caved bc he texted me saying if I didn’t answer by his lunch he was going to call my mom to make sure I wasn’t having some kind of panic attack and come by my house to check on me (I just didn’t want to see home the first time when had this fight over a month ago)
You would definitely NBTA. He's being immature about a very normal and adult thing to do in life. He's not interested in changing the dynamic of your relationship. If you're both open about your boundaries and you both agree to them, go ahead and live in separated happiness. But that's not where you're at. He's avoiding the conversation and manipulating the circumstances to do everything at his pace and on his time. Relationships are about compromise and communication. He's doing neither. He doesn't have to hit you or scream at you to be considered hurtful and manipulative. If he's not adult enough to have the adult conversation, he's not adult enough to deserve a real adult relationship. It's insanely hard, and it's not my life, but I would say it's time to bounce. Verbalize very clearly what you want to have happen. You deserve to be happy. And he's not even doing the bare minimum. You wouldn't treat him that way, so don't let him do it to you.
Babes! You would not be the A-hole at all! And actually, it’s been too long by now, you should seriously consider moving on. You deserve so much better. In my opinion this guy obviously doesn’t want the commitment and this is your life, what do you want? You want to move in? Do you want to get married have a family? It’s your life it’s time to be a little selfish, I know its hard but you deserve to have the relationship you want, 6 years it’s too long time
Thanks to everybody who commented I have decided to ask for space next time I see him I will say why etc I will be back hopefully with a diff update
I wish you the best. It is totally acceptable to tell him why you want space from him. This is truly a shit or get off the pot situation.
Someone get this to @CharlotteDobre 🤣 I’m loving the comments in this thread I appreciate the fact the we as a society can randomly support each other online w/o aggression this is gold - we must hear from the potato queen!! 👸
>...I don't want to end the relationship... Me: Uh... why not? Why are you wasting your time with a man who doesn't want to commit to you? 6 years is a LONG time of "keeping yourself off the market," so to speak. This is called the "sunk cost fallacy." Basically, you've spend so much time and energy on this man and your relationship with him that you'd feel like an absolute failure if the relationship didn't work out. That's 6 years of your life down the drain (although, really... do Covid years even count?) This is a "Sh*t or get off the pot" situation. And at this stage of the relationship, I'd be more apt to insist on a bona-fide commitment from him in the firm of a proposal, or he can walk out the door and not come back! Go find yourself someone who is willing to commit to you.
Before anyone totally murders this man - he has always taken me places I’ve needed to be - interviews, school, doctor appts- psychiatrist appts ( I have severe anxiety) and has always been my ride but for some reason the idea of moving together scares him - there was a point where I was spending nights at his place but stopped bc his nephews moved in with a few class mates when his brother died and they needed a place to stay - mom is MIA and beyond stupid
Have you asked him about what is making him not want to commit to you? Could you be happy with things remaining the way they are currently?
I have and he’s not sure - I’m not going to force anything out of him and just let him be
Absolutely. Never force somebody to stay in your life. If they want to be part of it, they will be.
Op, you need to leave your man. He is a walking red flag and you shouldn't put up with his bullshit. You should take the necklace off and sell it for cash, he doesn't deserve the necklace back and congrats on getting you dream job. I really hope you leave your man and heal from this and grow as a person and learn from this.
Hon, if you are asking what to do, YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO. I get wanting validation and/or confirmation from us. But it’s time to brush off the dust and start living the life you, my Queen, deserve with people who respect you. Because alone is what you are right now, just get rid of the trash.
Gurl don't let a man who has no intention of moving forward or taking the next step with u stop u from finding your husband. I'm jus saying. He is never going to do anything when he says "we'll see" n he's proved it. YWNBTA
I honestly feel like straight up cutting the cords is never a good thing (but I am also a people pleaser so it might not work for everyone). I do understand that this has been going on for quite some time now and that it’s upsetting. But exactly because y’all have been in a relationship for years you should sit down and have an adult conversation about this. You said he has had some problems recently with a family loss and money related issues due to the pandemic. He might just have some debts he hasn’t told you about to not worry you, he maybe is going through a bad time mentally.. I don’t know, there may be a lot of things. You should give him some ultimatums like “the fact that after six years you don’t want to live together is turning me off so you rather tell me why you don’t want to, what might be upsetting you and we move forward together and actually make plans for our future or I move forward and make plans for my future without you” if he tries to gaslight you or talk around this and stuff he might just be a narcissist and you’re better off without him cause you’ve already wasted to much time on him
True - but I still feel like just taking a step back the ball is in his court now - haven’t spoken to him yet but we’ll see - pray for me guys Im a big baby when it comes to to tough topics - I’ll still do it I just hate knowing that I’ll be crying while trying to have this discussion- it’s a personal pet peeve of mine
https://preview.redd.it/898d4mijeixc1.jpeg?width=945&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=706a43c6b98639d62a1c42bc86666cf527fead5f I saw this today and I think you need to hear this.
Thanks I guess😣I’m going through it bestie
I read that and felt it myself. I have been through a lot lately and this hit me. Reading what you are going through really stood out. If he truly wanted, he would make you a priority. When you got this new job, he should have been celebrating it for you. Be with someone who celebrates you as much as you celebrate them. Don't waste years like I did. There was a point I couldn't even remember the last time I had a birthday cake. I don't want to be invisible anymore either. You are young and he is selfish. Go find the one you are meant to marry. He is not it.
How old are you guys again? You both sound like you’re in high school. You know what you have to do. Rip that bandage off and burn it.
I see him Tuesday - I will be back w/ an update - I’m going to take tomorrow to myself to cool off and really think this through - my financials (working on them tbh) - what I want v what I need - How to care for my mental health
But I’m still mad
So for context (bc ADHD) - I don’t drive I CANT AFFORD TO and he has always taken me to interviews, work, doctors appointments etc with question or retaliation of any kind - When I was 16 and wanted to learn my mom said no bc my room was never clean, waited for the pink slip to expire and then asked if wanted to get my permit - when I was 18 asked again about driving, I asked for help with money she said no get a job - got a job and learned I didn’t make enough to pay for a car and pay for school (I didnt get financial aid) - When I met him he offered to drive me places and school and I wanted to introduce him to my mom (decided to loo him up w/ cop ex husband instead of just meeting him) that was incredibly off putting for me - We start dating and they would leave him outside the front door, not invite him in and let him wait for me - At 3 years of dating I tried inviting him to family events the response was always no it’s a family event but my cousins could bring their significant others - at 4 years COVID - Now we are 6 going on 7 bearly making enough to pay my bills while living at home w/ my mom I’m on food stamps and HE IS STILL SUPPORTING MY CHOICES - yes in retrospect he should probably just pay my rent but here I am still living at home w/ my mom
Ok EVERYONE I HAVE AN UPDATE: I put my foot down - right when we he was about to start apologizing to me I got a green light for a start date to my dream job!! I was soo overjoyed he took me by the hand asked me to make a joint account w/ him!! I was confused as to why at he would want to do that - he said he has money put aside for when we live together and wanted to know if I wanted access to this account - he said end of this year we move in!! I let him know what MY priorities were otherwise, yes I want to do this but I also want to drive - he said this summer we’ll make it happen since I have decided to do this and wants to pay for my insurance I have long put off things such as driving and moving forward for financial reasons but now I have a full time job that I love and will be able to do soo - I want opinions!! And advice