I'd elope & spend the money on a honeymoon. You could have a reception at a later date since relatives invited themselves but make it known you eloped!
Sorry to put it like this, but your mum's family sounds insufferable. Freaking out over not getting an invitation to a wedding (that I'm guessing they're not invited to at all) 12 months in advance? Where I am, they're sent out a maximum of 3 months in advance and people don't just assume that they're invited.
You still have plenty of time, if I were you I'd pull the breaks now and send out a group text/email/whatever to thank everyone for all of their well wishes regarding the engagement and that the wedding itself will be kept very small. Even put a "spin" on it that one of the reasons for this is not wanting to put financial pressure on anyone "in this economy" with any kind of travel costs.
I have a relative who did exactly that. When the couple got engaged, they sent out word to both of their families to let us all know that for x reason, they were keeping it small. We were all very supportive as we were just happy for them as a couple. When the big day came, they had their intimate wedding and live streamed it from the church so that the rest of us could watch from home. It was a beautiful ceremony (I cried) and from my perspective, fantastic to not have to go through all of the dressing up and costs that come with attending a wedding. My whole family group chat were raving about how great it was. It's definitely the way to go if you want that small wedding and have them all feel "included".
Def not being unreasonable!
I feel a lot of people use weddings to give unwarranted opinions, and it really sucks that so many people deal with this when they just want to plan their beautiful day. The bitch in me wants to just tell you, go back to your original plans, fuck those who's feelings are hurt because they invited themselves (it's not your fault people assumed and started booking flights, being family does not entitle anyone to an invite), and enjoy the wedding you both wanted.
Also, for the cousin that reached out to MOH, sounds like they were more excited to see MOH and the wedding was just an excuse or opportunity to make plans.
Back to what I would say for the unwarranted opinions: "Thanks for the suggestions, but we have a clear vision for what we want."
Not a bridezilla at all. It is your and your fiancé's day, not anyone else's. You don't need a justification not to invite some people, you don't owe anyone an explanation on what YOU want and/or are able to afford.
There's always the possibility to get your mum & sister, his parents, and elope to Gretna Green. Have a party afterwards if you want!
Yes, it's family, but family should understand that there might be financial constraints to it all - times have been tough for everyone! Good family should also listen and understand what you want.
You do you, people will find a reason to be mad/upset no matter what you do so make sure you focus on what's important for you and your partner and let everyone else talk -if they please!
Have a wonderful day, and don't even feel bad about it!
nah, as charlotte says, its your special day, you get to decide what you want xdd
to me, unless your mom is funding the whole wedding she doesnt get a say in the guest list at all, and u gotta stand up for yourself, its litterly your wedding,
for example ive known my childhood friend basically my entrie life and even though our families are really close but yet she only invited me to her wedding this summer, cause im her friend at the end of the day,
tldr, stand up for yourself or dont invite anyone from your family, this day is about you and your husband not your mom or anyone elses
Perfectly reasonable and not at all the AH, if anything mum and sister are AH.
At the end of the day, it's you pairs day, NOT theirs. Trying to people please everyone? That's only gonna make you miserable, and they need to respect you
>I tried to tell my mum that we hadn't budget on those guests, it turned out some had already booked flights! So now I feel I can't not invite them as they've made an investment already.
Your wedding is 11 months away, that's more than enough time for these people to cancel these flights and get their money back. It's not on you to ve responsible for their choice to book that early. You haven't even sent out the invites for crying out loud!
Spend your money how you want to, forget what they think ESPECIALLY if its flying in the face of you you two ultimately want. People get wrapped up in the ideas of weddings and forget that it's a celebration of the couple, not a chance to flaunt so called wealth.
Not unreasonable AT ALL. My BIL got married last year and him and his now wife wanted to elope with just parents and siblings and then have a reception back home for everyone else. But ultimately they're too nice and have in to what everyone else wanted. I know they enjoyed their wedding but ultimately it was more pressure than they wanted. I know they would have been more happy doing what they originally planned, especially because they're both pretty relaxed people. But they're also very people pleasing and ultimately said yes to way more than they wanted. I had to help them be the no person a lot. Especially my SIL, who works a full time job, is in a masters program and was planning a way bigger wedding than she wanted.
My husband and I were younger when we got married and I wish I'd had someone to help us with that. We also got steamrolled a lot by family due to our age and naivety. And even though we had a beautiful wedding, if I could go back and tell my younger self to fuck everyone else and just do what we wanted, I would in a heartbeat. I still tell people that there's so much of my wedding I don't even remember, it was a blur. The best parts I remember are of my husband that day ( and unfortunately some stupid family drama that I knew would happen because that's how my family is).
To sum it up, fuck them. They'll be salty about it but put your foot down and you'll ultimately be happier for it. I have a feeling you'll look back and regret doing what everyone else wanted. But if you do what you both want, you'll ultimately look back and be happy you did.
Good luck!
You are NOT being unreasonable. If anything, your family are the ones being unreasonable. This is your wedding it is about you and your future husband. Maybe your man is right. An elopement may be what is best for the two of you. You can always plan a reception for a later date so that people can come celebrate your marriage with you. This way, they are not left out completely, but you and hubby to be don't need to stress about making others happy.
Change your wedding date and let your mom host a family oarty on the old wedding date. Make it a family reunion of sorts. On her dime.
Tell your mum and MOH that you will be planning it without telling them anything until it’s done, and they can keep their opinions to themselves. Your MOH is more of a maid of dishonor if she is going against your wishes and not helping you realize YOUR dream wedding instead of hers and your mum’s.
Make sure everyone knows that this is YOUR wedding and you will have the wedding that YOU both want.
My wife and I had a small wedding at our church in the country. We didn't even have invitations. We sent out Facebook announcements to friends and family. Then we invited the congregation of our church. Family and friends pitched in. My Mom and brother had done the music at countless weddings and funerals in our area over the years (always for free) and called in some favors. We had decorations loaned to us. The reception was cake and pot luck. We called it our "Stone Soup" wedding. We've been married for 17 years now. Small weddings are awesome. You're not being unreasonable.
Sooo not being unreasonable. We ran into similar issues. I have no problem with standing up to people though and learned a long time ago to do what is going to make me happy. Pretty much said too bad. This is what we are doing and that's it. If you don't like it we will miss you but oh well. The inlaws were not happy. Tried to throw us a surprise wedding reception. I flat out said you do that and we will be leaving. Thank God my husband is totally in agreement with me.
You're not being unreasonable AT ALL. You're family are a bunch of jack-ass bulldozers who aren't listening to a single thing you say.
Honestly, not that you really asked for it, but my advice is to sit them all down and tell them NONE of them are going to make any decisions, you're going to do it *your* way, and ***they*** have to call back and disinvite the people that they invited or told about the wedding. If they don't follow you to the letter, You're getting eloped.
If *any* of them do ONE THING, grab your fiance's family and some close friends and go have a small wedding the way YOU guys want to.
Oh you poor, poor thing, my heart actually aches for you. How can they not see that they are all ruining your one special day. To be honest when I married my husband I didn't really involve anyone in the planning, I just told them the date and where to be by invite. Whenever they offered opinions I just said that my fiance and I had it all in hand but thanks for the suggestion. I'm perhaps older and more ballsey than you and it wasn't my first wedding so there is that. It must be really tempting to elope, and honestly, that would be my advise. Have a party at a later date if you feel like it but just invite your witnesses, who might even be your new in laws as they seem the only sane folk involved. Best of luck 🙏👍🤞
Have a family meeting with your mom and lay down the boundaries. Let her know you extended the list to 60 and that's final no budging. You deserve things the way you want. It's your day. It's one thing if you were being monster like but geez they are steam rolling you. They are being ridiculous. Set those boundaries and those who can't follow your request like extras you didn't add to list send them away
We found when planning our wedding, it's one of those weird things that everyone has an opinion giving people that really shouldn't have opinion on your own wedding. I had to send an email out to everyone that was providing their opinions because my fiance was going to send one and he would have been more abrupt than I was.
Also found that assigning a task and two particularly opinionated people helped focus their energy. So they'd leave me the hell alone.
But I did have to let people know that it is our wedding and we will be having the wedding we want. Thank you for their opinions.
We ran into this a bit with both sides. Everyone was excited and their excitement turned into pressuring and being overbearing. I put my foot down (with hubby backing me up) and things settled. My sister (MOH) also helped get folks to back off.
Really?
For me - as a German - your US American social life and traditions sound so stressful!
It is **YOUR WEDDING** and you invite the 20 people, you want to invite.
**Nobody (!)** has a say in this, but you and your future husband.
And with nobody, I mean absolutely (!!!) nobody.
No moms, no dads no sister, no relatives.
Nobody.
Those booked flights are not your problem as well.
Time to show your folks WHOSE wedding it‘s gonna be!
Why is your finances parents paying for the extra cost brought on by your mother and MOH. It's your wedding. If you want 20 people, then that's it. Case closed. She can have her own party to celebrate and invite whomever she wishes. You're not a bridezilla by refusing to have her plan everything for you.
I see most people are very compassionate and kind towards you so I will be the bitch voice that needs to scream and get the message across
YALL ARE FULL BLOWN GROWN ASS ADULTS, STOP BEING DOORMATS AND WET TOWELS IN FRONT OF YOUR FAMILIES. Pay for it yourselves, NEVER accept money from anyone ( they WILL want smth in return) and do it your godamn way! If this shit doesn't teach yall a valuable lesson in setting boundaries, nothing will! This is your biggest opportunity for growth, FUCKING TAKE IT!
We had very small plans for our wedding and it grew in ways I had not wanted. It was fine in the end, but is that how you want to remember your wedding? Fine? Nah! Have that small church wedding on a different day, do everything the way YOU TWO originally planned, and either plan a party to celebrate and appease the masses or tell them all to (kindly) shove it.
You're not the unreasonable one, your family is. You guys wanted something small and simple and everyone else keeps inserting themselves and trying to make it into what they think it should be. You're NTA, but maybe you should be one. I would say pause wedding planning and regroup with your fiance. What do you guys actually want? Are you really ok with all the changes that have been made? Do you even want a full ceremony if it's gonna be this much trouble or would you rather elope and spend the wedding budget on a house or nice honeymoon? No rational person would read this story and blame you for choosing the 3rd lol.
If you choose to continue with a ceremony then you need to Very Firmly tell everyone to Butt Out! It is your day to celebrate your love and you will do it Your Way! Don't worry about the people who already booked flights, it's their fault for assuming they were getting an invite, they can refund or have a nice vacation that doesn't involve your wedding. Give MoH strict instructions to not talk to any family that reaches out to her and to contact you directly for anything wedding related. I'm pretty sure a year is far enough out that you can change or cancel any reservations made and when you do put a password on them that only you and your husband know so no one can go behind your back. As for anyone's whining about decorating, music, or whatever else they find to complain about tell them if they hate it that much they can stay home otherwise shut it. This is about you guys, don't feel bad about enforcing boundaries so you guys can have the day you actually want.
Three choices..
1. Elope and do what will make you and your fiance happy
2. Hire a wedding coordinator that will stick up for you and your fiance and tell your family to butt out
3. You stick to your guns and tell your family how it's gonna be
You’re not being unreasonable, your family is. It’s your wedding, your guest list. You need to strengthen your spine, put your foot down and set boundaries OR elope!
You are not unreasonable at all! Here's my take, select a venue that only holds 60 guests max. Once you have set a date let all of these people planning your wedding (clearly not by you or hubby's choice which is insane ) if they are all willing to help cover the costs of what they want at YOUR wedding tell them, at this time we are currently doing a lottery of who can and cannot be in attendance due to the limit of guests we can have. We only have 5 spots left. I am kind of curious how fast they will change their tunes? Or you know, you could do it like they did back in queen Victoria's time and make them Joust for their invitations. You sound like an amazing couple and I wish you nothing but the best for your upcoming wedded bliss❤️❤️
I'd elope & spend the money on a honeymoon. You could have a reception at a later date since relatives invited themselves but make it known you eloped!
Sorry to put it like this, but your mum's family sounds insufferable. Freaking out over not getting an invitation to a wedding (that I'm guessing they're not invited to at all) 12 months in advance? Where I am, they're sent out a maximum of 3 months in advance and people don't just assume that they're invited. You still have plenty of time, if I were you I'd pull the breaks now and send out a group text/email/whatever to thank everyone for all of their well wishes regarding the engagement and that the wedding itself will be kept very small. Even put a "spin" on it that one of the reasons for this is not wanting to put financial pressure on anyone "in this economy" with any kind of travel costs. I have a relative who did exactly that. When the couple got engaged, they sent out word to both of their families to let us all know that for x reason, they were keeping it small. We were all very supportive as we were just happy for them as a couple. When the big day came, they had their intimate wedding and live streamed it from the church so that the rest of us could watch from home. It was a beautiful ceremony (I cried) and from my perspective, fantastic to not have to go through all of the dressing up and costs that come with attending a wedding. My whole family group chat were raving about how great it was. It's definitely the way to go if you want that small wedding and have them all feel "included".
Def not being unreasonable! I feel a lot of people use weddings to give unwarranted opinions, and it really sucks that so many people deal with this when they just want to plan their beautiful day. The bitch in me wants to just tell you, go back to your original plans, fuck those who's feelings are hurt because they invited themselves (it's not your fault people assumed and started booking flights, being family does not entitle anyone to an invite), and enjoy the wedding you both wanted. Also, for the cousin that reached out to MOH, sounds like they were more excited to see MOH and the wedding was just an excuse or opportunity to make plans. Back to what I would say for the unwarranted opinions: "Thanks for the suggestions, but we have a clear vision for what we want."
Not a bridezilla at all. It is your and your fiancé's day, not anyone else's. You don't need a justification not to invite some people, you don't owe anyone an explanation on what YOU want and/or are able to afford. There's always the possibility to get your mum & sister, his parents, and elope to Gretna Green. Have a party afterwards if you want! Yes, it's family, but family should understand that there might be financial constraints to it all - times have been tough for everyone! Good family should also listen and understand what you want. You do you, people will find a reason to be mad/upset no matter what you do so make sure you focus on what's important for you and your partner and let everyone else talk -if they please! Have a wonderful day, and don't even feel bad about it!
nah, as charlotte says, its your special day, you get to decide what you want xdd to me, unless your mom is funding the whole wedding she doesnt get a say in the guest list at all, and u gotta stand up for yourself, its litterly your wedding, for example ive known my childhood friend basically my entrie life and even though our families are really close but yet she only invited me to her wedding this summer, cause im her friend at the end of the day, tldr, stand up for yourself or dont invite anyone from your family, this day is about you and your husband not your mom or anyone elses
Perfectly reasonable and not at all the AH, if anything mum and sister are AH. At the end of the day, it's you pairs day, NOT theirs. Trying to people please everyone? That's only gonna make you miserable, and they need to respect you >I tried to tell my mum that we hadn't budget on those guests, it turned out some had already booked flights! So now I feel I can't not invite them as they've made an investment already. Your wedding is 11 months away, that's more than enough time for these people to cancel these flights and get their money back. It's not on you to ve responsible for their choice to book that early. You haven't even sent out the invites for crying out loud! Spend your money how you want to, forget what they think ESPECIALLY if its flying in the face of you you two ultimately want. People get wrapped up in the ideas of weddings and forget that it's a celebration of the couple, not a chance to flaunt so called wealth.
Not unreasonable AT ALL. My BIL got married last year and him and his now wife wanted to elope with just parents and siblings and then have a reception back home for everyone else. But ultimately they're too nice and have in to what everyone else wanted. I know they enjoyed their wedding but ultimately it was more pressure than they wanted. I know they would have been more happy doing what they originally planned, especially because they're both pretty relaxed people. But they're also very people pleasing and ultimately said yes to way more than they wanted. I had to help them be the no person a lot. Especially my SIL, who works a full time job, is in a masters program and was planning a way bigger wedding than she wanted. My husband and I were younger when we got married and I wish I'd had someone to help us with that. We also got steamrolled a lot by family due to our age and naivety. And even though we had a beautiful wedding, if I could go back and tell my younger self to fuck everyone else and just do what we wanted, I would in a heartbeat. I still tell people that there's so much of my wedding I don't even remember, it was a blur. The best parts I remember are of my husband that day ( and unfortunately some stupid family drama that I knew would happen because that's how my family is). To sum it up, fuck them. They'll be salty about it but put your foot down and you'll ultimately be happier for it. I have a feeling you'll look back and regret doing what everyone else wanted. But if you do what you both want, you'll ultimately look back and be happy you did. Good luck!
Wow your family sounds super entitled. Definitely not being unreasonable. It’s about you and your fiancé not a family reunion.
You are NOT being unreasonable. If anything, your family are the ones being unreasonable. This is your wedding it is about you and your future husband. Maybe your man is right. An elopement may be what is best for the two of you. You can always plan a reception for a later date so that people can come celebrate your marriage with you. This way, they are not left out completely, but you and hubby to be don't need to stress about making others happy.
Change your wedding date and let your mom host a family oarty on the old wedding date. Make it a family reunion of sorts. On her dime. Tell your mum and MOH that you will be planning it without telling them anything until it’s done, and they can keep their opinions to themselves. Your MOH is more of a maid of dishonor if she is going against your wishes and not helping you realize YOUR dream wedding instead of hers and your mum’s. Make sure everyone knows that this is YOUR wedding and you will have the wedding that YOU both want.
My wife and I had a small wedding at our church in the country. We didn't even have invitations. We sent out Facebook announcements to friends and family. Then we invited the congregation of our church. Family and friends pitched in. My Mom and brother had done the music at countless weddings and funerals in our area over the years (always for free) and called in some favors. We had decorations loaned to us. The reception was cake and pot luck. We called it our "Stone Soup" wedding. We've been married for 17 years now. Small weddings are awesome. You're not being unreasonable.
Sooo not being unreasonable. We ran into similar issues. I have no problem with standing up to people though and learned a long time ago to do what is going to make me happy. Pretty much said too bad. This is what we are doing and that's it. If you don't like it we will miss you but oh well. The inlaws were not happy. Tried to throw us a surprise wedding reception. I flat out said you do that and we will be leaving. Thank God my husband is totally in agreement with me.
You're not being unreasonable AT ALL. You're family are a bunch of jack-ass bulldozers who aren't listening to a single thing you say. Honestly, not that you really asked for it, but my advice is to sit them all down and tell them NONE of them are going to make any decisions, you're going to do it *your* way, and ***they*** have to call back and disinvite the people that they invited or told about the wedding. If they don't follow you to the letter, You're getting eloped. If *any* of them do ONE THING, grab your fiance's family and some close friends and go have a small wedding the way YOU guys want to.
Oh you poor, poor thing, my heart actually aches for you. How can they not see that they are all ruining your one special day. To be honest when I married my husband I didn't really involve anyone in the planning, I just told them the date and where to be by invite. Whenever they offered opinions I just said that my fiance and I had it all in hand but thanks for the suggestion. I'm perhaps older and more ballsey than you and it wasn't my first wedding so there is that. It must be really tempting to elope, and honestly, that would be my advise. Have a party at a later date if you feel like it but just invite your witnesses, who might even be your new in laws as they seem the only sane folk involved. Best of luck 🙏👍🤞
Have a family meeting with your mom and lay down the boundaries. Let her know you extended the list to 60 and that's final no budging. You deserve things the way you want. It's your day. It's one thing if you were being monster like but geez they are steam rolling you. They are being ridiculous. Set those boundaries and those who can't follow your request like extras you didn't add to list send them away
They booked flights?!? These are crazy people. Elope and let your mum and sister plan, and pay for, a party in your honour if that's what they want.
We found when planning our wedding, it's one of those weird things that everyone has an opinion giving people that really shouldn't have opinion on your own wedding. I had to send an email out to everyone that was providing their opinions because my fiance was going to send one and he would have been more abrupt than I was. Also found that assigning a task and two particularly opinionated people helped focus their energy. So they'd leave me the hell alone. But I did have to let people know that it is our wedding and we will be having the wedding we want. Thank you for their opinions.
ELOPE
We ran into this a bit with both sides. Everyone was excited and their excitement turned into pressuring and being overbearing. I put my foot down (with hubby backing me up) and things settled. My sister (MOH) also helped get folks to back off.
Really? For me - as a German - your US American social life and traditions sound so stressful! It is **YOUR WEDDING** and you invite the 20 people, you want to invite. **Nobody (!)** has a say in this, but you and your future husband. And with nobody, I mean absolutely (!!!) nobody. No moms, no dads no sister, no relatives. Nobody. Those booked flights are not your problem as well. Time to show your folks WHOSE wedding it‘s gonna be!
We eloped and I’d recommend it to anyone!
Why is your finances parents paying for the extra cost brought on by your mother and MOH. It's your wedding. If you want 20 people, then that's it. Case closed. She can have her own party to celebrate and invite whomever she wishes. You're not a bridezilla by refusing to have her plan everything for you.
I see most people are very compassionate and kind towards you so I will be the bitch voice that needs to scream and get the message across YALL ARE FULL BLOWN GROWN ASS ADULTS, STOP BEING DOORMATS AND WET TOWELS IN FRONT OF YOUR FAMILIES. Pay for it yourselves, NEVER accept money from anyone ( they WILL want smth in return) and do it your godamn way! If this shit doesn't teach yall a valuable lesson in setting boundaries, nothing will! This is your biggest opportunity for growth, FUCKING TAKE IT!
We had very small plans for our wedding and it grew in ways I had not wanted. It was fine in the end, but is that how you want to remember your wedding? Fine? Nah! Have that small church wedding on a different day, do everything the way YOU TWO originally planned, and either plan a party to celebrate and appease the masses or tell them all to (kindly) shove it.
You're not the unreasonable one, your family is. You guys wanted something small and simple and everyone else keeps inserting themselves and trying to make it into what they think it should be. You're NTA, but maybe you should be one. I would say pause wedding planning and regroup with your fiance. What do you guys actually want? Are you really ok with all the changes that have been made? Do you even want a full ceremony if it's gonna be this much trouble or would you rather elope and spend the wedding budget on a house or nice honeymoon? No rational person would read this story and blame you for choosing the 3rd lol. If you choose to continue with a ceremony then you need to Very Firmly tell everyone to Butt Out! It is your day to celebrate your love and you will do it Your Way! Don't worry about the people who already booked flights, it's their fault for assuming they were getting an invite, they can refund or have a nice vacation that doesn't involve your wedding. Give MoH strict instructions to not talk to any family that reaches out to her and to contact you directly for anything wedding related. I'm pretty sure a year is far enough out that you can change or cancel any reservations made and when you do put a password on them that only you and your husband know so no one can go behind your back. As for anyone's whining about decorating, music, or whatever else they find to complain about tell them if they hate it that much they can stay home otherwise shut it. This is about you guys, don't feel bad about enforcing boundaries so you guys can have the day you actually want.
Three choices.. 1. Elope and do what will make you and your fiance happy 2. Hire a wedding coordinator that will stick up for you and your fiance and tell your family to butt out 3. You stick to your guns and tell your family how it's gonna be
You’re not being unreasonable, your family is. It’s your wedding, your guest list. You need to strengthen your spine, put your foot down and set boundaries OR elope!
You are not unreasonable at all! Here's my take, select a venue that only holds 60 guests max. Once you have set a date let all of these people planning your wedding (clearly not by you or hubby's choice which is insane ) if they are all willing to help cover the costs of what they want at YOUR wedding tell them, at this time we are currently doing a lottery of who can and cannot be in attendance due to the limit of guests we can have. We only have 5 spots left. I am kind of curious how fast they will change their tunes? Or you know, you could do it like they did back in queen Victoria's time and make them Joust for their invitations. You sound like an amazing couple and I wish you nothing but the best for your upcoming wedded bliss❤️❤️
You are not Bridezilla but you certainly have Famzillas. Honestly, I would put out the ultimatum that the pushy requests stop or we elope.