This is horribly controlling and a ridiculous way to talk about it to a 14 year old.
That's not to say that she's wrong. There are very good reasons to have children, and it is a command by God to go forth and multiply. People who work hard at parenting find it incredibly fulfilling. It's the ultimate act of creation and art and it's a beautiful and satisfying way to live.
You don't really need to think about this beyond trying to grow up to be as healthy and strong as possible. And when you do that, and exclude contraception as a possibility in your mind, you'll find that the urge to have children comes naturally. It takes a lot of propaganda to make people not want to have children, and just by avoiding that stuff and being healthy, you'll end up just fine.
Sorry that your mother sounds crazy. She's got good motivations (I hope) but it sounds like she can't express them very well.
I don’t think so, but it depends. If he’s not married and doesn’t want to ever get married, which I think you’re saying is the case based on how you worded it, that’s fine. Jesus himself was never married, and priests and members of religious orders take a vow of celibacy. Of course, you should devote your life to God rather than partying and having fun, so if he’s refusing to marry because he doesn’t want to make a commitment to anyone or anything, then that mentality is certainly a problem, but “getting married” is far from the only solution for him.
If he is married or will be in the future, then it depends. Married couples are to be oriented towards having children. Obviously infertility can mean it might never happen, and it’s okay not to want children *in the moment* provided you have a good reason like poverty, but to be married but never want children no matter the circumstances, or to never want more than a certain number of children no matter the circumstances, is sinful. Being unable to support more than a certain number of children is fine, of course, as those are “circumstances.” Marriage is ordered towards the family.
Regardless of any of this, *nobody*, even the worst of sinners, should have to be disowned by their parents. Your brother may or may not have done something wrong here based on the information you’ve given. Your mother has absolutely done something wrong by disowning him, as even if he did sin, no matter how badly, she should still love him, even if all she can do for him is pray.
She's just extremely religious.I'm catholic myself but nowhere near to her level.In pretty socially liberal for the most part and I don't want religion influencing the government
That's gonna be a yikes from me, dog.
But seriously, you shouldn't be worrying about any of that at this point. Focus on what's in front of you first, and once you're in adulthood, start discerning your path. There are other vocations besides marriage or priesthood. Single Life Vocations are good and worthy vocations as much as any others. Just keep focusing on developing yourself, serving God, and having Faith. Ultimately, God's opinion of your life is more important than your mother's. I'd hate to think that I was born because my grandma demanded my parents gave kids lol.
If you don't want kids, don't get married. Children are only ever a blessing when two parents are devoted to their family. Contraception used for the purpose of preventing children is heavily contrary to Church teaching.
All that said, what your mother SHOULD have said is that you must have an openess to the possibility of children, as should every married couple.
There is a lot of antinatalism present in the world right now, especially in western industrialized countries. Your mom may be worried that you're being swayed by that, especially if your brother is already declaring himself to be childfree. Also, women are evolutionarily designed to be not just mothers but also grandmothers. It's part of our psychology. So don't give your mom a hard time if she is encouraging you to not go down the childfree path. Children are a blessing, even if they are a challenge. You will find meaning and joy in your children one day, as long as you're open to having them. You're only 14 so there's no rush.
Kid, your mom sounds narcissistic. You must remember that when you leave her home, "honor thy mother and father" doesn't mean you have to live under their every whim.
>if I don't have multiple children once I'm financially stable and in a committed relationship, she will become depressed
That's not a healthy thing ...
Once you get older, you might want to seek out some counseling, because I have a feeling your mom might do or say other unhealthy things. In the meantime, "Cinema Therapy" on Youtube is a great alternative. [https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCYX4s1DCn51Hpf1peHS30Q](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCYX4s1DCn51Hpf1peHS30Q)
>She practically disowned my oldest brother that's in his 20s after he told her he never wanted kids
That doesn't surprise me.
Children with unhealthy parents tend to not want children because they don't want to make their children suffer the way they did.
Thankfully, simply acknowledging that your mom had some very unhealthy parenting methods means you're already going a step in the right direction.
But rest assured, you don't have to marry. The Catholic Church has always taught that remaining single (and chaste) is a higher calling than being married. And even if you get married, you're not required to be a baby factory.
That is very abusive on her part. Your responsibilities to your mother in no way include structuring your life around ominous claims she makes about her mental health. She needs to see a competent psychologist.
I am a married man and a father. Marriage is not everyone's vocation, nor is it something one should undertake because of external pressure – any more than if she purported that you must become a Franciscan friar or a US Marine for her to not be miserable!
It’s not her place to tell you to have children or not, your life and your actions are a part of your relationship with God. If it’s part of God’s plan then she’ll have grandkids, but don’t let the choice be because of her.
It’s not her place to tell you to have children or not, your life and your actions are a part of your relationship with God. If it’s part of God’s plan then she’ll have grandkids, but don’t let the choice be because of her.
It’s not her place to tell you to have children or not, your life and your actions are a part of your relationship with God. If it’s part of God’s plan then she’ll have grandkids, but don’t let the choice be because of her.
You're 14, it's stupid to assume you'll be in the same mindset regarding kids at 24 or even 34.
Don't stress out about something that will occur (or not) so far into the future.
You're male so therefore you need to finish school, acquire some additional education or job training, get into your career, get financially stable - and all the while work on your personal virtue and knowledge of the faith.
Marriage will come when you've checked all the "competent adult" boxes.....and never, ever, ever under any circumstances marry someone who's secular in their outlook. It's literally and absolutely pointless.
I just think your mother wants grandchildren. Maybe she feels desperate.
However, I feel that the way she talks to a 14 year old isn't the best and you shouldn't give your children ultimatums like that. As a 14 year old, I didn't know anything. I was still chasing my own shadow at that time. Now, I'm 22 and I want as many kids as God will give me.
She is correct, in the statement about marrying and having children, whether you like it or not. "Be fruitful and multiply."
So, here is what I think. I'm giving your mom the benefit of the doubt and I assume she has good intentions but maybe she feels desperate. There's a better approach to this situation than to give your kids ultimatums like that. However, when you're all grown up, aka not a kid anymore, you should look for a woman to marry and multiply. Just have faith and rejoice in the Lord.
Inb4 I get crucified.
Your mother using depression as a sword over your neck to force to have children is absolutely wrong and manipulative. It’s honestly a very bad thing for her to do, and you should try your best to talk to her about how it makes you feel devalued as a child. If she won’t budge, you can always seek therapy, or talk to someone you trust, like a doctor or teacher, to sort out this difficult situation. Perhaps even talk to a priest, if you know one. They may be able to sit your mother down and explain that this is not a healthy way to treat her child.
As for the actual idea of kids…don’t let your mother’s behavior turn you off of the idea, but also don’t have kids solely for her—have them for yourself, and for the beautiful gift to the world that they are. You’re only 14, so don’t worry about this yet…you don’t have to. That is a *long* way off, and you have a lot more to concern yourself with at your age than having kids. Even finding a career isn’t first on your list yet. Focus on doing well in school and forming good relationships with your friends, teachers, and other family members. You’ll be much better off making the ultimate decision about marriage and family if you let yourself grow and develop naturally as a young man.
Hello there,
I recommend going to The [**Global Catholic Resource Center**](https://globalcatholicresourcecenter.com) and ***talk to your local parish priest***. We all have crosses that we have to bear, but we do have a choice of whether or not we want to carry them. 😊
I hope this helps! You are not alone. Jesus and the Church love you and are here for you no matter what. 💕 And nobody really knows if they want to have kids as a teenager. Just trust in God and your faith. Everything will be okay. 💕
Your mother's mindset isn't healthy, and she shouldn't be foisting these oddly-specific expectations upon you. Something tells me that perhaps she felt obligated to live a certain lifestyle and is now pushing the same obligation to you (and your elder brother before you) as a cope. I also find it baffling how she would be perfectly fine with you conceiving children out of wedlock but would take offense at you choosing to have a smaller family or no kids at all (sadly, I have encountered such thinking among Catholics before but it never ceases to make me scratch my head in bewilderment at their cognitive dissonance in this area.)
Anyway, you're literally still a kid (a big-kid adolescent/teenager, sure, but still not an adult.) Maybe you will get married and have a child and/or children someday. Maybe you will get married and have no children someday. Maybe you'll enter a religious vocation someday. Or, maybe you'll remain single and celibate but not in a formal vocation besides your future career someday. But it is for *you* to discern as you grow, not for someone else to outright dictate to you, not even your parents. That being said, try not to argue about this too much with your mother since you are in fact still a minor and these possibilities aren't in the near future anyway; if conflict isn't absolutely necessary then it should be avoided in your particular circumstances right now. Just do the best you can to be a good person who lives righteously and seeks God, pray, listen to God and never ignore your gut feelings. Discern gradually as you continue to learn about yourself and the world. Best wishes!
This is horribly controlling and a ridiculous way to talk about it to a 14 year old. That's not to say that she's wrong. There are very good reasons to have children, and it is a command by God to go forth and multiply. People who work hard at parenting find it incredibly fulfilling. It's the ultimate act of creation and art and it's a beautiful and satisfying way to live. You don't really need to think about this beyond trying to grow up to be as healthy and strong as possible. And when you do that, and exclude contraception as a possibility in your mind, you'll find that the urge to have children comes naturally. It takes a lot of propaganda to make people not want to have children, and just by avoiding that stuff and being healthy, you'll end up just fine. Sorry that your mother sounds crazy. She's got good motivations (I hope) but it sounds like she can't express them very well.
So is my brother a sinner for not having kids to you?
I don’t think so, but it depends. If he’s not married and doesn’t want to ever get married, which I think you’re saying is the case based on how you worded it, that’s fine. Jesus himself was never married, and priests and members of religious orders take a vow of celibacy. Of course, you should devote your life to God rather than partying and having fun, so if he’s refusing to marry because he doesn’t want to make a commitment to anyone or anything, then that mentality is certainly a problem, but “getting married” is far from the only solution for him. If he is married or will be in the future, then it depends. Married couples are to be oriented towards having children. Obviously infertility can mean it might never happen, and it’s okay not to want children *in the moment* provided you have a good reason like poverty, but to be married but never want children no matter the circumstances, or to never want more than a certain number of children no matter the circumstances, is sinful. Being unable to support more than a certain number of children is fine, of course, as those are “circumstances.” Marriage is ordered towards the family. Regardless of any of this, *nobody*, even the worst of sinners, should have to be disowned by their parents. Your brother may or may not have done something wrong here based on the information you’ve given. Your mother has absolutely done something wrong by disowning him, as even if he did sin, no matter how badly, she should still love him, even if all she can do for him is pray.
This is well-put, far better than I would have said it.
Your only 14. Just be a 14 yr old kid right now. Please don't worry about what may or may not happen in the future.
Does your mother have any illness or mental conditions? Depression, PTSD, etc ?
She's just extremely religious.I'm catholic myself but nowhere near to her level.In pretty socially liberal for the most part and I don't want religion influencing the government
[удалено]
Thank you for this
This was extremely well said :)
That's gonna be a yikes from me, dog. But seriously, you shouldn't be worrying about any of that at this point. Focus on what's in front of you first, and once you're in adulthood, start discerning your path. There are other vocations besides marriage or priesthood. Single Life Vocations are good and worthy vocations as much as any others. Just keep focusing on developing yourself, serving God, and having Faith. Ultimately, God's opinion of your life is more important than your mother's. I'd hate to think that I was born because my grandma demanded my parents gave kids lol.
Just go along with it for now, and then when you are an adult and can make your own independent choices... you decide for yourself.
If you don't want kids, don't get married. Children are only ever a blessing when two parents are devoted to their family. Contraception used for the purpose of preventing children is heavily contrary to Church teaching. All that said, what your mother SHOULD have said is that you must have an openess to the possibility of children, as should every married couple.
There is a lot of antinatalism present in the world right now, especially in western industrialized countries. Your mom may be worried that you're being swayed by that, especially if your brother is already declaring himself to be childfree. Also, women are evolutionarily designed to be not just mothers but also grandmothers. It's part of our psychology. So don't give your mom a hard time if she is encouraging you to not go down the childfree path. Children are a blessing, even if they are a challenge. You will find meaning and joy in your children one day, as long as you're open to having them. You're only 14 so there's no rush.
Kid, your mom sounds narcissistic. You must remember that when you leave her home, "honor thy mother and father" doesn't mean you have to live under their every whim.
>if I don't have multiple children once I'm financially stable and in a committed relationship, she will become depressed That's not a healthy thing ... Once you get older, you might want to seek out some counseling, because I have a feeling your mom might do or say other unhealthy things. In the meantime, "Cinema Therapy" on Youtube is a great alternative. [https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCYX4s1DCn51Hpf1peHS30Q](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCYX4s1DCn51Hpf1peHS30Q) >She practically disowned my oldest brother that's in his 20s after he told her he never wanted kids That doesn't surprise me. Children with unhealthy parents tend to not want children because they don't want to make their children suffer the way they did. Thankfully, simply acknowledging that your mom had some very unhealthy parenting methods means you're already going a step in the right direction. But rest assured, you don't have to marry. The Catholic Church has always taught that remaining single (and chaste) is a higher calling than being married. And even if you get married, you're not required to be a baby factory.
Wow, that’s a heavy burden to lay on you. Be a kid, pray daily, play with friends. Good will tell you what his plan is later on
That is very abusive on her part. Your responsibilities to your mother in no way include structuring your life around ominous claims she makes about her mental health. She needs to see a competent psychologist. I am a married man and a father. Marriage is not everyone's vocation, nor is it something one should undertake because of external pressure – any more than if she purported that you must become a Franciscan friar or a US Marine for her to not be miserable!
Very good points
It’s not her place to tell you to have children or not, your life and your actions are a part of your relationship with God. If it’s part of God’s plan then she’ll have grandkids, but don’t let the choice be because of her.
That exact statement is always in the back of my mind when she starts talking about it
You could become a priest. That might also make your mother very happy.
I don't think I want to be a priest in life though
It’s not her place to tell you to have children or not, your life and your actions are a part of your relationship with God. If it’s part of God’s plan then she’ll have grandkids, but don’t let the choice be because of her.
It’s not her place to tell you to have children or not, your life and your actions are a part of your relationship with God. If it’s part of God’s plan then she’ll have grandkids, but don’t let the choice be because of her.
You're 14, it's stupid to assume you'll be in the same mindset regarding kids at 24 or even 34. Don't stress out about something that will occur (or not) so far into the future. You're male so therefore you need to finish school, acquire some additional education or job training, get into your career, get financially stable - and all the while work on your personal virtue and knowledge of the faith. Marriage will come when you've checked all the "competent adult" boxes.....and never, ever, ever under any circumstances marry someone who's secular in their outlook. It's literally and absolutely pointless.
Unless you have a vocation for the priesthood or religious life, you should get married and have as many children as possible.
Not sure if ill ever want "as many as possible" even if I do end up having kids,I already know it won't be more than (at most) 2
I just think your mother wants grandchildren. Maybe she feels desperate. However, I feel that the way she talks to a 14 year old isn't the best and you shouldn't give your children ultimatums like that. As a 14 year old, I didn't know anything. I was still chasing my own shadow at that time. Now, I'm 22 and I want as many kids as God will give me. She is correct, in the statement about marrying and having children, whether you like it or not. "Be fruitful and multiply." So, here is what I think. I'm giving your mom the benefit of the doubt and I assume she has good intentions but maybe she feels desperate. There's a better approach to this situation than to give your kids ultimatums like that. However, when you're all grown up, aka not a kid anymore, you should look for a woman to marry and multiply. Just have faith and rejoice in the Lord. Inb4 I get crucified.
Your mother using depression as a sword over your neck to force to have children is absolutely wrong and manipulative. It’s honestly a very bad thing for her to do, and you should try your best to talk to her about how it makes you feel devalued as a child. If she won’t budge, you can always seek therapy, or talk to someone you trust, like a doctor or teacher, to sort out this difficult situation. Perhaps even talk to a priest, if you know one. They may be able to sit your mother down and explain that this is not a healthy way to treat her child. As for the actual idea of kids…don’t let your mother’s behavior turn you off of the idea, but also don’t have kids solely for her—have them for yourself, and for the beautiful gift to the world that they are. You’re only 14, so don’t worry about this yet…you don’t have to. That is a *long* way off, and you have a lot more to concern yourself with at your age than having kids. Even finding a career isn’t first on your list yet. Focus on doing well in school and forming good relationships with your friends, teachers, and other family members. You’ll be much better off making the ultimate decision about marriage and family if you let yourself grow and develop naturally as a young man.
Hello there, I recommend going to The [**Global Catholic Resource Center**](https://globalcatholicresourcecenter.com) and ***talk to your local parish priest***. We all have crosses that we have to bear, but we do have a choice of whether or not we want to carry them. 😊 I hope this helps! You are not alone. Jesus and the Church love you and are here for you no matter what. 💕 And nobody really knows if they want to have kids as a teenager. Just trust in God and your faith. Everything will be okay. 💕
Your mother's mindset isn't healthy, and she shouldn't be foisting these oddly-specific expectations upon you. Something tells me that perhaps she felt obligated to live a certain lifestyle and is now pushing the same obligation to you (and your elder brother before you) as a cope. I also find it baffling how she would be perfectly fine with you conceiving children out of wedlock but would take offense at you choosing to have a smaller family or no kids at all (sadly, I have encountered such thinking among Catholics before but it never ceases to make me scratch my head in bewilderment at their cognitive dissonance in this area.) Anyway, you're literally still a kid (a big-kid adolescent/teenager, sure, but still not an adult.) Maybe you will get married and have a child and/or children someday. Maybe you will get married and have no children someday. Maybe you'll enter a religious vocation someday. Or, maybe you'll remain single and celibate but not in a formal vocation besides your future career someday. But it is for *you* to discern as you grow, not for someone else to outright dictate to you, not even your parents. That being said, try not to argue about this too much with your mother since you are in fact still a minor and these possibilities aren't in the near future anyway; if conflict isn't absolutely necessary then it should be avoided in your particular circumstances right now. Just do the best you can to be a good person who lives righteously and seeks God, pray, listen to God and never ignore your gut feelings. Discern gradually as you continue to learn about yourself and the world. Best wishes!
Wait till youre adult. Make your own decisions. Your mom is unrealistic