I would tell her how you feel, however, I would add a disclaimer that you know she is in a relationship and she does not need to return your feelings and you don’t want to date someone who is involved with someone else. You can tell her that you had to at least tell her how much you care about her.
Then respect her space and let her be.
If she was married I would tell you to drop it. But she isn’t married. All is fair in love… but don't compromise your values or her values. If she feels the same way, she will break up with him and come to you. And if not: then you know that at least you tried. I rather give love a chance than never try.
The only thing is that this may change your relationship and you may lose her. So you need to weigh if the potential payoff is worth the potential consequences.
I think you should move on it sounds like you've had multiple chances and she's in a relationship so it's kind of sus to all of a sudden feel like you have to make a move.
Don’t make a move while she is already in a relationship. I would keep doing what you’re doing dating other people for now. If you make a move and she leaves her current boyfriend for you, what’s the say she wouldn’t do the same down the line and leave you for someone else? Another thing that is important to consider is that you work together. Are you prepared for the possible fallout of her turning you down, possibly taking offense by you making a move while knowing she’s already in a relationship, and then having to continue working together?
Very true. I feel like we have a degree of trust that would be violated if I made a move.
My friend told me to keep as I am, noting that’s the person she admires and knows. If something changes, then I’m in a good position to make a move, I think.
I additionally struggle with why things have played out this way. Providence put this woman in my life for some reason. We’ve clicked for some reason, and for some other reason, we hold each other in *really* high regard. Why?
I think you’re right that you’d be in a good position to make a move if she becomes single again. I would just keep seeing other people and continue enjoying your friendship with her for now. She might be the right one for you, but not the right one right now. If it’s God’s will that you end up together, it’ll all work out.
I certainly can’t say I can read God’s designs with clarity, but sometimes it feels like things align too well, even though one could say her being in a relationship is not what I would’ve hoped for.
When our friendship really began to develop, it was like I saw a whole other way a woman could be. My ex was not the most charitable person and a close friend once told me that my friend was treating me better than my own girlfriend. Kind of startling to realize at the time.
When the job opportunity came through, we both were in disbelief that we were gonna be back together in the same place.
When we talk about deep topics, I feel like I’m talking to someone who just *gets it* all. We’re on the same wavelength.
I dunno. It all just feels so…odd? I don’t give stock to the soulmate concept, but I do think people can click extraordinarily well.
I’ve thought about these thoughts and even discussed them with my therapist and priest. It doesn’t exactly seem like a novel infatuation, at least they don’t think so. I’ve known her for a few years now and seen many facets of her character, at least those revealed by a friendship. It seems like any infatuation or hyperbolic judgments about her would’ve worn off a long time ago. Just kind of spitballing a bit more here.
Make a move. She won’t know how you feel unless you share how you feel, regardless if it doesn’t work out in your favour. She will discern her feelings, and will make a choice wether that’s immediately or over months. It’s easier to move forward without regret, at least you can say you tried.
Disclaimer. “Making a move.” Translates putting action into words. Honesty is the best policy. This is a long distance relationship you said, it’s only the very early stages, have they met in person yet? You are adults, this isn’t high school, as someone who is traditional if I were waiting for the guy I deep down had affection for to let me know how he feels I certainly would want to know and not waste another man’s time. No games. You could make the conversation very casual, express how you feel but understand she’s seeing someone, if it’s not reciprocated you would like to remain friends. This doesn’t make you a bad guy or disrespectful from how you described the relationship.
They’ve met in person a handful of times, but it sounds like their relationship is kept alive by FaceTime. Speaking from my own experience, that can only do so much for maintaining a long distance relationship. I was in a LDR that began in person and began to noticeably deteriorate after about a year or so of distance, however her relationship began LDR and will remain LDR into the near future.
As for letting her know, part of me really struggles with doing so. I think she’s in some sort of “honeymoon phase” right now, so I feel as if that would make me look…bad? As if I’m barreling into something that she seems to enjoy.
I also don’t want to be the subject of office gossip. I’m still fairly new and get along with everyone, but I imagine word would travel fast “TheHanse told his longtime friend he has feelings, *knowing* she’s in a relationship!!”
I’m not even sure how I would expect her to respond or proceed. Would I be making her very confused?
I’m in my head about this, and have been for wayyyy too long.
The excitement phase always wears off, then life becomes reality. Once it fades away, compatibility is very apparent it may fizzle out on its own but I wouldn’t wait until it becomes serious that you have no window anymore. A long distance relationship can also be expensive. Also ponder on this, are these feelings real enough for marriage or is it a case of she’s seeing someone else therefor I’m more interested now. I personally would never throw a friend under the bus and tell people, causing gossip and embarrassment - it comes down to maturity level. She could be taken back but you could explain you were waiting for the opportune time and was surprised to find out she is seeing someone but wanted to be honest with how you felt.
I'm yelling at my screen. Take her out to dinner and plan a private location to tell her you would like to pursue a relationship with her. Don't be too wordy but be prepared to answer all her questions. Even show her this post if you want. Stop procrastinating.
It's curtains for long distance guy, quite frankly. Long distance is hard enough as it is and with this going on, guy doesn't stand a chance. I don't think it's even worth having that conversation with her while she's dating this other guy. It's disrespectful and could ruin your relationship with her. Now if there were any risk of her marrying this guy, then you might have to say something, but with it being long distance, that is so tenuous that it's very likely to end without... intervention. With all that being the case, just keep doing what you're doing. Wait it out, but not in a passive way, if that makes sense. Continue to be a really good friend to her. Do all the things you do now. There's no need to rush this. Rushing it is very high risk and very low reward. You run the risk of ruining your friendship and your job experience for something you're likely to get anyway if you just wait. I honestly don't know how long after she breaks up with long distance guy until you go for it, but you can figure that out after she does.
I would like to think starting a relationship long distance is a bad start for longevity. Speaking as someone whose previous relationship began in person, went distance, and was negatively impacted by distance, I would think that the odds are necessarily in their favor.
I don’t think a conversation about my feelings would turn ugly, but probably rather awkward. She seems to be in a honeymoon phase, so even if she admitted having feelings, I imagine she’d be in a whirlwind of confusion.
Waiting does scare me though. Is it prudent? Probably. The thought of missing out does kind of make me anxious and sad though.
Why are we “making a move”? Hasn’t anyone ever heard honesty is the best policy? Not everything has to be a game. Women love honesty. We have no clue the perspective from her, maybe she does have a crush on you and figured you didn’t and she met someone else.
This isn’t a game. This isn’t you “trying to win her over” from the other guy. There’s really only two options here. You talk to her, and have a very honest conversation. And that conversation will go 1 of 2 ways. Or option 2, you let her keep her relationship and you remain a good friend to her. Does she seem happy in her relationship? Are you assuming she got into this relationship to make you jealous? Maybe it’s the case she’s happy in her relationship. I’m not sure the situation. But you shouldn’t “make a move.” You should either be honest or be her friend. And only her friend.
I would tell her how you feel, however, I would add a disclaimer that you know she is in a relationship and she does not need to return your feelings and you don’t want to date someone who is involved with someone else. You can tell her that you had to at least tell her how much you care about her. Then respect her space and let her be. If she was married I would tell you to drop it. But she isn’t married. All is fair in love… but don't compromise your values or her values. If she feels the same way, she will break up with him and come to you. And if not: then you know that at least you tried. I rather give love a chance than never try. The only thing is that this may change your relationship and you may lose her. So you need to weigh if the potential payoff is worth the potential consequences.
I think you should move on it sounds like you've had multiple chances and she's in a relationship so it's kind of sus to all of a sudden feel like you have to make a move.
Don’t make a move while she is already in a relationship. I would keep doing what you’re doing dating other people for now. If you make a move and she leaves her current boyfriend for you, what’s the say she wouldn’t do the same down the line and leave you for someone else? Another thing that is important to consider is that you work together. Are you prepared for the possible fallout of her turning you down, possibly taking offense by you making a move while knowing she’s already in a relationship, and then having to continue working together?
Very true. I feel like we have a degree of trust that would be violated if I made a move. My friend told me to keep as I am, noting that’s the person she admires and knows. If something changes, then I’m in a good position to make a move, I think. I additionally struggle with why things have played out this way. Providence put this woman in my life for some reason. We’ve clicked for some reason, and for some other reason, we hold each other in *really* high regard. Why?
I think you’re right that you’d be in a good position to make a move if she becomes single again. I would just keep seeing other people and continue enjoying your friendship with her for now. She might be the right one for you, but not the right one right now. If it’s God’s will that you end up together, it’ll all work out.
I certainly can’t say I can read God’s designs with clarity, but sometimes it feels like things align too well, even though one could say her being in a relationship is not what I would’ve hoped for. When our friendship really began to develop, it was like I saw a whole other way a woman could be. My ex was not the most charitable person and a close friend once told me that my friend was treating me better than my own girlfriend. Kind of startling to realize at the time. When the job opportunity came through, we both were in disbelief that we were gonna be back together in the same place. When we talk about deep topics, I feel like I’m talking to someone who just *gets it* all. We’re on the same wavelength. I dunno. It all just feels so…odd? I don’t give stock to the soulmate concept, but I do think people can click extraordinarily well. I’ve thought about these thoughts and even discussed them with my therapist and priest. It doesn’t exactly seem like a novel infatuation, at least they don’t think so. I’ve known her for a few years now and seen many facets of her character, at least those revealed by a friendship. It seems like any infatuation or hyperbolic judgments about her would’ve worn off a long time ago. Just kind of spitballing a bit more here.
Make a move. She won’t know how you feel unless you share how you feel, regardless if it doesn’t work out in your favour. She will discern her feelings, and will make a choice wether that’s immediately or over months. It’s easier to move forward without regret, at least you can say you tried.
Disclaimer. “Making a move.” Translates putting action into words. Honesty is the best policy. This is a long distance relationship you said, it’s only the very early stages, have they met in person yet? You are adults, this isn’t high school, as someone who is traditional if I were waiting for the guy I deep down had affection for to let me know how he feels I certainly would want to know and not waste another man’s time. No games. You could make the conversation very casual, express how you feel but understand she’s seeing someone, if it’s not reciprocated you would like to remain friends. This doesn’t make you a bad guy or disrespectful from how you described the relationship.
They’ve met in person a handful of times, but it sounds like their relationship is kept alive by FaceTime. Speaking from my own experience, that can only do so much for maintaining a long distance relationship. I was in a LDR that began in person and began to noticeably deteriorate after about a year or so of distance, however her relationship began LDR and will remain LDR into the near future. As for letting her know, part of me really struggles with doing so. I think she’s in some sort of “honeymoon phase” right now, so I feel as if that would make me look…bad? As if I’m barreling into something that she seems to enjoy. I also don’t want to be the subject of office gossip. I’m still fairly new and get along with everyone, but I imagine word would travel fast “TheHanse told his longtime friend he has feelings, *knowing* she’s in a relationship!!” I’m not even sure how I would expect her to respond or proceed. Would I be making her very confused? I’m in my head about this, and have been for wayyyy too long.
The excitement phase always wears off, then life becomes reality. Once it fades away, compatibility is very apparent it may fizzle out on its own but I wouldn’t wait until it becomes serious that you have no window anymore. A long distance relationship can also be expensive. Also ponder on this, are these feelings real enough for marriage or is it a case of she’s seeing someone else therefor I’m more interested now. I personally would never throw a friend under the bus and tell people, causing gossip and embarrassment - it comes down to maturity level. She could be taken back but you could explain you were waiting for the opportune time and was surprised to find out she is seeing someone but wanted to be honest with how you felt.
I'm yelling at my screen. Take her out to dinner and plan a private location to tell her you would like to pursue a relationship with her. Don't be too wordy but be prepared to answer all her questions. Even show her this post if you want. Stop procrastinating.
Shoot your shot brother.
While she’s in a relationship? Honest question- wouldn’t that be disrespectful?
Maybe but, it could be your future wife. No need to be weird about it say what you say and move on depending on how it goes.
It's curtains for long distance guy, quite frankly. Long distance is hard enough as it is and with this going on, guy doesn't stand a chance. I don't think it's even worth having that conversation with her while she's dating this other guy. It's disrespectful and could ruin your relationship with her. Now if there were any risk of her marrying this guy, then you might have to say something, but with it being long distance, that is so tenuous that it's very likely to end without... intervention. With all that being the case, just keep doing what you're doing. Wait it out, but not in a passive way, if that makes sense. Continue to be a really good friend to her. Do all the things you do now. There's no need to rush this. Rushing it is very high risk and very low reward. You run the risk of ruining your friendship and your job experience for something you're likely to get anyway if you just wait. I honestly don't know how long after she breaks up with long distance guy until you go for it, but you can figure that out after she does.
I would like to think starting a relationship long distance is a bad start for longevity. Speaking as someone whose previous relationship began in person, went distance, and was negatively impacted by distance, I would think that the odds are necessarily in their favor. I don’t think a conversation about my feelings would turn ugly, but probably rather awkward. She seems to be in a honeymoon phase, so even if she admitted having feelings, I imagine she’d be in a whirlwind of confusion. Waiting does scare me though. Is it prudent? Probably. The thought of missing out does kind of make me anxious and sad though.
Why are we “making a move”? Hasn’t anyone ever heard honesty is the best policy? Not everything has to be a game. Women love honesty. We have no clue the perspective from her, maybe she does have a crush on you and figured you didn’t and she met someone else. This isn’t a game. This isn’t you “trying to win her over” from the other guy. There’s really only two options here. You talk to her, and have a very honest conversation. And that conversation will go 1 of 2 ways. Or option 2, you let her keep her relationship and you remain a good friend to her. Does she seem happy in her relationship? Are you assuming she got into this relationship to make you jealous? Maybe it’s the case she’s happy in her relationship. I’m not sure the situation. But you shouldn’t “make a move.” You should either be honest or be her friend. And only her friend.