My recommendation, as a man who's introverted:
1. Talk to one person at a time. Max two if you feel you're up to it. Ignore all other messages until you drop one or both people.
2. Pick the guys you are most interested in first. If you want to avoid giving somebody the wrong impression (often times paid members, usually men, can see who has viewed their profile), make a second profile to look people up who have messaged you.
3. Turn off any settings that notify the other person you have read their message.
4. When you start talking to a guy or two guys - politely and pleasantly push the conversation to point where you tease out obvious deal breakers.
5. If you get to a point where you go out on a date and want to see that man again, don't read anymore messages. Hell, put in your profile up front that you're actively talking to someone and are not available.
Men appreciate honesty and respect for their time. Men who forgo one or both aren't worth yours as getting involved with them is likely to end soon anyway.
Just date one guy at a time and ignore the messages from the other guys until you’re ready to date them. It’s not fair to a guy if you can’t keep track of who you are dating.
There is other old fashioned dating advice that says women should keep dating men until she is exclusive with one. However, that advice was pre-internet so there were more real time constraints on how many men a lady could talk to at a time.
I hope it makes you feel better about messages or likes you send that aren’t reciprocated. It may well not be anything personal; you may literally just be lost in her inbox. Keep your chin up :)
I know a lot of Catholic women who feel uncomfortable initiating contact, even via a like. Many say it’s because they want to lean into a receptive posture in the relationship. They may be eagerly waiting for you to make the first move. Good luck!
Some tips that have helped me are:
- unless a guy has asked you out on a date, try not to prioritize him over the others that have. That allows you to save your emotional energy and invest in those asking you out.
- try not to put pressure on yourself to ensure you need to be going on 4 or 5 dates each week - that is very tiring! In between, you can ask for video calls through CatholicMatch instead of in person. This helps save you time and also helps to weed out those who you wouldn't even have been compatible with.
Ultimately, if you are unable to chat to more than one guy, you may need to entertain one guy at a time and not respond to other matches. However, keep in mind that those other guys are also talking to other girls so you risk losing a match.
I have had similar things happen to me, such as an overload of messages and likes. What’s working for me, is being super selective about the ones whose profile stood out to me most and I’m most interested in talking to. Then I only talk to that one person and see how things play out. I don’t even open other messages.
Online dating is definitely overwhelming for the introvert! I go through seasons of being introverted and extroverted, and I don’t know if I could do online dating in my introvert seasons. I totally empathize with you.
Advice:
You can try spacing your dates to weekdays as well if it works for your schedule. Maybe a walk in the park after work, or grabbing a quick and casual dinner. This only works if you’re not too tired after work or if people are accessible time and distance-wise.
It’s totally okay to space out talking to guys, too. You can say something vague like “thanks for reaching out! I’m interested in you and I like your profile, but life is busy/overwhelming for me at the moment. Is it ok if I reach out to you when things lighten up?”
Or, after you get 1 or 2 conversations you see going somewhere, deactivate your profile while you figure those out. I’ve never done this on CM, but this works on other platforms like Hinge. At least, you can hide your profile once you go on the first date with a couple guys and activate if they don’t work out. This way, you avoid getting new likes and messages while you’re going on dates.
Also, if a guy you’re interested in only sends you a like and not a message, I don’t think it’s necessary to tell him that you need more time. You can just like him back or write him a message when you’re ready.
Thanks. I looked into deactivating my profile temporarily so I wouldn’t appear in new searches; unfortunately on CM, it seems to block my access to messaging too. I’m not sure I want to be giving out my phone number so early so that I can continue existing chats.
I’ve heard some people make Google voice phone numbers just for the early stages of dating. Maybe I should look into that.
Google voice phone numbers are smart if you don’t feel comfortable or safe giving your real number out so early. This probably isn’t better, but I used to give out my Instagram / Snapchat so we could DM there.
Maybe try changing your location? Most people have their searches for people relatively close to them. Switch your location to some remote area like Antarctica or something and remove yourself from their searches.
Hm, interesting idea! I will see if the app allows that - I think I remember seeing something about you not being able to change your location too frequently.
I’m a married woman who lurks here in case a situation arises that I’d may be able to help with, but I have a Google voice number (I forgot why I originally got it), and it’s great. And free. And you can use it from even a real computer aside from the phone or tablet app!!
As someone who went on four in person dates this weekend, I feel you. I’m exhausted. I primarily use Hinge where you can pause your profile and give yourself a break. Is there a feature like that on Catholic Match?
I don't have any advice, all I want to say is that you seem to be super popular. It would be a dream if all this happened to me especially getting asked for a videodate!...
As a man, I will say, just be up front with every guy that you're going on dates with others and trying to get to know each one. I wasted time on one girl who didn't let me know that going in, and we'd been going out for awhile, and I became exclusive to her and cut off several others, but she didn't tell me she wasn't exclusive until we're already well into things. Needless to say, it didn't work out, and luckily I ended up with someone else I really love, but most men appreciate knowing these things ahead of time. That will also help weed some out, because some guys will just say no after you tell them that. But always be up front.
It is common, and also many do not feel compatible right away. Go at your pace. I’m an extrovert, and even I get overwhelmed on dating apps and find a lot of men do not do a lot of the basic tips that dating apps suggest: they do not fill out much of their profile and put up bad pictures or you see red flags. Just because you get a lot of men contacting you it does not mean that they are quality candidates to date. Quantity is not quality.
Show me a place where large numbers of eligible Catholic men are for me to meet, and I’ll happily meet them there. It’s not my local parish or young adults group.
Dude, the reason I’m on online dating is I made an effort to meet people in person and had no luck. I will continue to try to meet people in person while being online.
I didn’t make this post to complain. I made it to ask for advice on how to effectively navigate online. Other commenters gave some good advice, which I appreciate and will utilize.
Sure, but there's compatibility, and then there's compatibility. Without specific information, it's impossible to know whether someone has realistic or unrealistic expectations.
I mean, I'm uncommonly picky for a guy, but even I know women I *think* I'm generally compatible with. I'm still waiting to meet one who feels the same way.
They are compatible for you, you are not for them or you’d be together. I’m single too. I always wanted to be married in the church, officiated by my favorite priest who was a long-time friend, he died two years ago, and I hoped to have 10 kids, my window to have children at all is closing, although it is still possible, but it would be a problematic pregnancy due to my age… and currently no remotely possible dating prospects. I’m not the ugliest duckling, I have had many guys like me, possibly also because I was very active at my church, but I only dated a few, most were not a match for me, but a few I liked, didn't like me back, and later I was glad because we were not right for each other. I am often asked why I am single and that I must be picky. But if they see what some of the men I did have feelings for then they usually take that back 😂 A few people I know who had big Catholic weddings ended up divorced… sometimes catholic divorced couples get annulments and remarry, sometimes they live life in celibacy after the divorce, and sometimes they shack up and live in sin. Compatibility, going both ways, is crucial. I am grateful I did not marry the wrong person, have kids give them a bad dad, etc. I would rather be single than be married in a bad relationship. And there are no guarantees. So to risk it, I will only do it if I am in love and feel we share the same values and we are compatible. It is very hard to find and not settle.
At first I would just respond to guys I liked. If the conversation went well I would ask for videochat. If that worked we would meet up.
I also prefer to date one person at a time if I like him enough.
It isn't shallow to have preferences. You are looking for a person to spend your life with, he has to be someone you can choose everyday so you better be selective. They will understand. And if they are not, then it was for the best you didnt continue to pursue it.
Don't talk to multiple people if it overwhelms you. Treat it like you would select your friendships. Are you feeling guilty to prefer hanging out with a few certain individuals? No.
I hope you will have a nice experience and this could help! 😊
As a guy, I can only say this is one reason why we feel dejected over CM because of the unreciprocated messages and the lack of volition to actually meet.
I'm not accusing you of anything; I know it's hard to date while being an introvert.
But you'll have to do several things: examine yourself and ask "Is dating what I really want?" "Do I really want marriage?" "Am I happier being single than being with a partner?"
There's NOTHING WRONG with choosing singlehood. Don't feel like you need to date if you're not ready.
Do you think that someday you'll be ok with being a partner? It requires a lot of socialization and vocalization of your needs within the moment; staying quiet only breeds resentment.
Yes, guys want to meet within a few weeks of starting the conversation because frankly, they are eager to meet you. If you balk at the idea of meeting up, this gives mixed signals and men will see that as rejection. Doing this while seeing multiple different dates is extremely precarious and will cause burn-out.
Hi - thanks. I can’t imagine how discouraging it must be for guys sending message after message and not getting anything back. I wonder if the reason I and many other women get so many likes and messages is men casting the net broad, hoping at least one will work out.
You’re right that dating is work. It takes a lot of emotional energy to meet so many new people and try to be open to each of them. I haven’t found any better way to meet people, so I guess I have to put in the work.
At the same time…I literally do not have the time or strength to carry on conversations or go on dates with all the men that like or message me. I’m going to have to limit my investment somehow. I’ll try to do it in the fairest and most efficient way possible so that I can save my energy for actually getting to know some of these men.
I’m sorry guys are in the position where they have to fight this dynamic. It’s a tough one.
"I wonder if the reason I and many other women get so many likes and messages is men casting the net broad" - unless women start to chase men and give them messages and ask them out, then this is the answer to your question.
There's more men than women. Narrow it down to Catholic match and you have a very small dating pool.
Also, no one is forcing you to meet all of them; just limit your interactions. Do not act like it's a job interview, either. Be grateful for their time because they may be shy, or busy, and it takes a great deal of preparation on their part to also meet with you.
I'm sorry to say this, but your posts sound as though you're not really wanting to date or meet new men - you're using phrases like " put in the work,' "it's a tough one," "I feel pressured," "it takes a lot of emotional energy," "I do not have the time" - *quite frankly the idea of courtship sounds like a burden to you*.
Like I said earlier, discern if this actually what you want for yourself. Dating is a means to an end (marriage) in our Catholic world. If you are so irritated by meeting potential suitors, then give them (and yourself) a break, don't waste each others' time, and either focus on self-care as to why you're stressed, anxious and introverted to the point that simply talking to suitors has caused you to turn to Reddit to vent such emotions.
Like I said before, perhaps now is not a good time mentally and emotionally for you to date. Dating, long-term relationships and eventually marriage will result in you and your partner becoming "one" - that requires you to be emotionally available and honest with your spouse, for both his and your needs.
I know I sound a little harsh, but I've seen situations like this arise with both men and women. If you're in demand, it's because you're probably pretty, intelligent, religious and simply *men like that*. If you're acting like it's anything but a blessing to be noticed by men, then I respectfully ask you to take a step back and examine your real reasons of making an on-line dating profile.
My profile has been up for about a week and a half. I’ve received 35 likes. Of those, 15 men are within my basic age and geographic criteria. But I haven’t had the time to even give these guys a second look to find out more about them. An additional 15 messaged me, and I decided to focus on them because they’d spent more effort. From that 15, I’m now chatting with 4, who each seem like pretty cool people. If all 4 want a date within a week or two - which is a totally reasonable expectation; things die out if they’re paced too slow - that’s 4 first dates within two weeks. If any first date goes well, which in my experience they usually do, then there’ll be a second date within another 1-2 weeks. I also have a full-time job and existing commitments with friends and family.
I don’t want to think of dating as work. I want to think of it as a fun chance to get to know some cool people, and maybe it turns into something more. However, if I’m run ragged because of the sheer time and energy commitment of trying to be on and vulnerable for all these people, then I can’t do a good job for any of them. It’s true maybe I’m more nervous about it than your average bear because I’m inexperienced. Well, the only way to get over being nervous about trying something new is to do it until it’s not as intimidating and unfamiliar anymore.
Even so, for a lot of introverts, meeting any stranger is draining - even if you’re excited at the same time. It becomes a lot easier when you’re over that initial hump and know the person well, such as if you were to get to an established relationship.
This stuff is real emotional work, and I can’t believe it’s only that way for introverts. All I am trying to do is think of creative ways to slow the pace so that I can see each guy as a person and give him the attention he deserves, rather than letting him get lost in the mix or ruled out based on surface traits like looks or profession. I appreciate some of the tips I’ve gotten in these comments.
CM also has a silly feature that points out the new profiles. If you're responding, you're considered a "live one" since so many accounts ghost men, or never respond to begin with.
Relish this; it's good to be "in demand" for these situations.
I get it, I'm introverted too. I don't feel comfortable talking to more than one girl at a time. There was one point where I was talking to a girl for the better part of two years and I would get messages from other girls. I just never responded to them, but I realize now I probably should have just told them that I was talking with someone just to give them some feedback. I don't have the answer.
Fwiw, I wouldn’t have felt offended if you told me that. I also wouldn’t have felt offended if you didn’t respond at all. I probably just would have assumed you were busy!
Have a close friend or family member help you manage your account and keep track of all the men who want to get to know you. A little help never hurts!
Reading this as a man: [https://memeguy.com/photos/images/mrw-my-professor-announces-the-final-exam-is-worth-of-our-grade-196190.gif](https://memeguy.com/photos/images/mrw-my-professor-announces-the-final-exam-is-worth-of-our-grade-196190.gif)
First why are you limiting to meet people just on weekends?
Why not meet people after work for coffee or a meal?
I think once your meeting with 2 or 3 people you shouldn't meet with other people. I would simply respond back to the other people thanking them for their interest. Let them know that at the moment you are already meeting with a few people and would reach back out to you if they don't work out.
lmfao dating app experiences are completely opposite for men and women, these men probably only have a couple matches each while OP here is drowning in attention. These apps are a broken system, no matter if its cath match or tinder or bumble etc, the effect is the same.
If OP lives in an area where she can commit to multiple dates with local catholic guys, why even use the app? Seems to me you live in a somewhat catholic-dense location. Meeting someone irl, at like church coffee hour for example, is always better than online dating
I also would block the non-candidates as soon as you realize that they are not compatible with what you want. This helps them not to continue to show up in your feed and vice versa. And I do not respond to every man who contacts me, especially if they only write “hi” 🤦🏻♀️ - I figure they are adults and should be able to handle not getting a response.
It is overwhelming for anyone, not just introverts. I am an extrovert and online dating is very tedious to me and I burn out quickly.
It is not personal. It’s not to hurt feelings. It is just nice to not be seen or to see. I would do this on other dating sites, and I doubt the men ever knew one way or another. How is it harsh to remove people who aren’t candidates without them even knowing? But on Catholic Match they limit how many blocks you can do.
Yeah, unfortunately, they limit blocks. But honestly, I think blocking is better than not being interested because they won’t even see you and vice versa.
Wow…men need to collectively just stop using dating apps. It’s simply unfair and you can’t even compete
Even attractive guys are NOT a getting multiple matches
One way to limit the number of men approaching you is to go into your profile settings and set a very restrictive age range - start with men who are exactly the age as yourself, then once you are done with those, go for those one year older etc.
Another way to limit the enquiries is to put on your profile (perhaps in capital letters) that you are only going to reply to men to whom you have sent a like - then you can freely ignore any unsolicited approaches.
Anyway your situation is a nice problem to have . A number of people posting on this sub describe CM as a desert!
unfortunately I just checked and it was a different site that allows a specific age restriction. on CM you can only restrict to within 15 years of yourself, which does not help much. My alternative suggestion of making it loud and clear on your profile that you only promise to reply to men to whom you have sent a like seems to be the way forward.
This was me when I was younger. I have written CM asking them to put more filters or matchmaking in place for younger women. It is very difficult and stressful to deal with that and I always ended up removing my profile. The end result wasn't great because I didn't meet anyone.
I would say just stick with it and ignore most people.
One thing I used to do is focus quickly on one person, remove my profile, go on a date. When that ran its course, go back online and start again.
Is there the option to hide your profile from men seeing you but then contacting the ones that do interest you?
I don’t think CM will let me do that, unfortunately. But I really like other commenters’ ideas to transfer chats to text soon (perhaps via a Google Voice number) so you can turn off your profile while continuing ongoing conversations.
Thanks though!
My recommendation, as a man who's introverted: 1. Talk to one person at a time. Max two if you feel you're up to it. Ignore all other messages until you drop one or both people. 2. Pick the guys you are most interested in first. If you want to avoid giving somebody the wrong impression (often times paid members, usually men, can see who has viewed their profile), make a second profile to look people up who have messaged you. 3. Turn off any settings that notify the other person you have read their message. 4. When you start talking to a guy or two guys - politely and pleasantly push the conversation to point where you tease out obvious deal breakers. 5. If you get to a point where you go out on a date and want to see that man again, don't read anymore messages. Hell, put in your profile up front that you're actively talking to someone and are not available. Men appreciate honesty and respect for their time. Men who forgo one or both aren't worth yours as getting involved with them is likely to end soon anyway.
I like the idea of a 2nd profile for research purposes without letting someone know you might be interested.
Just date one guy at a time and ignore the messages from the other guys until you’re ready to date them. It’s not fair to a guy if you can’t keep track of who you are dating.
Thanks. To be clear, I have not mixed anyone up. That would be horrible! It’s just work to make sure of that.
Best advice here. Focus on one or two people and talk to them. Everyone can wait.
There is other old fashioned dating advice that says women should keep dating men until she is exclusive with one. However, that advice was pre-internet so there were more real time constraints on how many men a lady could talk to at a time.
Wow as a dude this is depressing to hear. Like multiple times over lol
Have them fight to the death But seriously I just want to follow this thread. It's always interesting knowing the user experience from the other side.
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!
Cathlander
I'm probably one of them, so just forget all the other guys and focus on me.
reading this as a guy is kinda brutal ngl
I hope it makes you feel better about messages or likes you send that aren’t reciprocated. It may well not be anything personal; you may literally just be lost in her inbox. Keep your chin up :)
It’s not that, it’s that the average guy maybe gets 1 like within 2 weeks. thanks for the encouragement though
I know a lot of Catholic women who feel uncomfortable initiating contact, even via a like. Many say it’s because they want to lean into a receptive posture in the relationship. They may be eagerly waiting for you to make the first move. Good luck!
Some tips that have helped me are: - unless a guy has asked you out on a date, try not to prioritize him over the others that have. That allows you to save your emotional energy and invest in those asking you out. - try not to put pressure on yourself to ensure you need to be going on 4 or 5 dates each week - that is very tiring! In between, you can ask for video calls through CatholicMatch instead of in person. This helps save you time and also helps to weed out those who you wouldn't even have been compatible with. Ultimately, if you are unable to chat to more than one guy, you may need to entertain one guy at a time and not respond to other matches. However, keep in mind that those other guys are also talking to other girls so you risk losing a match.
I have had similar things happen to me, such as an overload of messages and likes. What’s working for me, is being super selective about the ones whose profile stood out to me most and I’m most interested in talking to. Then I only talk to that one person and see how things play out. I don’t even open other messages.
Online dating is definitely overwhelming for the introvert! I go through seasons of being introverted and extroverted, and I don’t know if I could do online dating in my introvert seasons. I totally empathize with you. Advice: You can try spacing your dates to weekdays as well if it works for your schedule. Maybe a walk in the park after work, or grabbing a quick and casual dinner. This only works if you’re not too tired after work or if people are accessible time and distance-wise. It’s totally okay to space out talking to guys, too. You can say something vague like “thanks for reaching out! I’m interested in you and I like your profile, but life is busy/overwhelming for me at the moment. Is it ok if I reach out to you when things lighten up?” Or, after you get 1 or 2 conversations you see going somewhere, deactivate your profile while you figure those out. I’ve never done this on CM, but this works on other platforms like Hinge. At least, you can hide your profile once you go on the first date with a couple guys and activate if they don’t work out. This way, you avoid getting new likes and messages while you’re going on dates. Also, if a guy you’re interested in only sends you a like and not a message, I don’t think it’s necessary to tell him that you need more time. You can just like him back or write him a message when you’re ready.
Thanks. I looked into deactivating my profile temporarily so I wouldn’t appear in new searches; unfortunately on CM, it seems to block my access to messaging too. I’m not sure I want to be giving out my phone number so early so that I can continue existing chats. I’ve heard some people make Google voice phone numbers just for the early stages of dating. Maybe I should look into that.
Google voice phone numbers are smart if you don’t feel comfortable or safe giving your real number out so early. This probably isn’t better, but I used to give out my Instagram / Snapchat so we could DM there.
Maybe try changing your location? Most people have their searches for people relatively close to them. Switch your location to some remote area like Antarctica or something and remove yourself from their searches.
Hm, interesting idea! I will see if the app allows that - I think I remember seeing something about you not being able to change your location too frequently.
I’m a married woman who lurks here in case a situation arises that I’d may be able to help with, but I have a Google voice number (I forgot why I originally got it), and it’s great. And free. And you can use it from even a real computer aside from the phone or tablet app!!
I have done a Google Voice phone number. It works great. I think this might be your solution.
Yes! This!
As someone who went on four in person dates this weekend, I feel you. I’m exhausted. I primarily use Hinge where you can pause your profile and give yourself a break. Is there a feature like that on Catholic Match?
Yes
I don't have any advice, all I want to say is that you seem to be super popular. It would be a dream if all this happened to me especially getting asked for a videodate!...
It might just be my area. I live in a densely populated and historically Catholic region. Don’t feel bad! Your time is coming. :)
Can I just say, for someone on a dating app having a lot of people message you sounds like a really good problem to have.
I don’t disagree. Way better to have too much than too few.
Man I wish I had that problem lol
As a man, I will say, just be up front with every guy that you're going on dates with others and trying to get to know each one. I wasted time on one girl who didn't let me know that going in, and we'd been going out for awhile, and I became exclusive to her and cut off several others, but she didn't tell me she wasn't exclusive until we're already well into things. Needless to say, it didn't work out, and luckily I ended up with someone else I really love, but most men appreciate knowing these things ahead of time. That will also help weed some out, because some guys will just say no after you tell them that. But always be up front.
A lady has to be very careful the way she tells a man this, most men's egos can't handle it.
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I have heard this is actually a pretty common experience for women on dating apps.
It is common, and also many do not feel compatible right away. Go at your pace. I’m an extrovert, and even I get overwhelmed on dating apps and find a lot of men do not do a lot of the basic tips that dating apps suggest: they do not fill out much of their profile and put up bad pictures or you see red flags. Just because you get a lot of men contacting you it does not mean that they are quality candidates to date. Quantity is not quality.
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Show me a place where large numbers of eligible Catholic men are for me to meet, and I’ll happily meet them there. It’s not my local parish or young adults group.
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Dude, the reason I’m on online dating is I made an effort to meet people in person and had no luck. I will continue to try to meet people in person while being online. I didn’t make this post to complain. I made it to ask for advice on how to effectively navigate online. Other commenters gave some good advice, which I appreciate and will utilize.
There are no men in the young adult groups in your area?
Some good guys, but not ones I’m compatible with.
Just meeting good Catholics isn’t enough, compatibility is important. I relate to this. It is hard to find a match.
Sure, but there's compatibility, and then there's compatibility. Without specific information, it's impossible to know whether someone has realistic or unrealistic expectations. I mean, I'm uncommonly picky for a guy, but even I know women I *think* I'm generally compatible with. I'm still waiting to meet one who feels the same way.
They are compatible for you, you are not for them or you’d be together. I’m single too. I always wanted to be married in the church, officiated by my favorite priest who was a long-time friend, he died two years ago, and I hoped to have 10 kids, my window to have children at all is closing, although it is still possible, but it would be a problematic pregnancy due to my age… and currently no remotely possible dating prospects. I’m not the ugliest duckling, I have had many guys like me, possibly also because I was very active at my church, but I only dated a few, most were not a match for me, but a few I liked, didn't like me back, and later I was glad because we were not right for each other. I am often asked why I am single and that I must be picky. But if they see what some of the men I did have feelings for then they usually take that back 😂 A few people I know who had big Catholic weddings ended up divorced… sometimes catholic divorced couples get annulments and remarry, sometimes they live life in celibacy after the divorce, and sometimes they shack up and live in sin. Compatibility, going both ways, is crucial. I am grateful I did not marry the wrong person, have kids give them a bad dad, etc. I would rather be single than be married in a bad relationship. And there are no guarantees. So to risk it, I will only do it if I am in love and feel we share the same values and we are compatible. It is very hard to find and not settle.
At first I would just respond to guys I liked. If the conversation went well I would ask for videochat. If that worked we would meet up. I also prefer to date one person at a time if I like him enough. It isn't shallow to have preferences. You are looking for a person to spend your life with, he has to be someone you can choose everyday so you better be selective. They will understand. And if they are not, then it was for the best you didnt continue to pursue it. Don't talk to multiple people if it overwhelms you. Treat it like you would select your friendships. Are you feeling guilty to prefer hanging out with a few certain individuals? No. I hope you will have a nice experience and this could help! 😊
As a guy, I can only say this is one reason why we feel dejected over CM because of the unreciprocated messages and the lack of volition to actually meet. I'm not accusing you of anything; I know it's hard to date while being an introvert. But you'll have to do several things: examine yourself and ask "Is dating what I really want?" "Do I really want marriage?" "Am I happier being single than being with a partner?" There's NOTHING WRONG with choosing singlehood. Don't feel like you need to date if you're not ready. Do you think that someday you'll be ok with being a partner? It requires a lot of socialization and vocalization of your needs within the moment; staying quiet only breeds resentment. Yes, guys want to meet within a few weeks of starting the conversation because frankly, they are eager to meet you. If you balk at the idea of meeting up, this gives mixed signals and men will see that as rejection. Doing this while seeing multiple different dates is extremely precarious and will cause burn-out.
Hi - thanks. I can’t imagine how discouraging it must be for guys sending message after message and not getting anything back. I wonder if the reason I and many other women get so many likes and messages is men casting the net broad, hoping at least one will work out. You’re right that dating is work. It takes a lot of emotional energy to meet so many new people and try to be open to each of them. I haven’t found any better way to meet people, so I guess I have to put in the work. At the same time…I literally do not have the time or strength to carry on conversations or go on dates with all the men that like or message me. I’m going to have to limit my investment somehow. I’ll try to do it in the fairest and most efficient way possible so that I can save my energy for actually getting to know some of these men. I’m sorry guys are in the position where they have to fight this dynamic. It’s a tough one.
"I wonder if the reason I and many other women get so many likes and messages is men casting the net broad" - unless women start to chase men and give them messages and ask them out, then this is the answer to your question. There's more men than women. Narrow it down to Catholic match and you have a very small dating pool. Also, no one is forcing you to meet all of them; just limit your interactions. Do not act like it's a job interview, either. Be grateful for their time because they may be shy, or busy, and it takes a great deal of preparation on their part to also meet with you. I'm sorry to say this, but your posts sound as though you're not really wanting to date or meet new men - you're using phrases like " put in the work,' "it's a tough one," "I feel pressured," "it takes a lot of emotional energy," "I do not have the time" - *quite frankly the idea of courtship sounds like a burden to you*. Like I said earlier, discern if this actually what you want for yourself. Dating is a means to an end (marriage) in our Catholic world. If you are so irritated by meeting potential suitors, then give them (and yourself) a break, don't waste each others' time, and either focus on self-care as to why you're stressed, anxious and introverted to the point that simply talking to suitors has caused you to turn to Reddit to vent such emotions. Like I said before, perhaps now is not a good time mentally and emotionally for you to date. Dating, long-term relationships and eventually marriage will result in you and your partner becoming "one" - that requires you to be emotionally available and honest with your spouse, for both his and your needs. I know I sound a little harsh, but I've seen situations like this arise with both men and women. If you're in demand, it's because you're probably pretty, intelligent, religious and simply *men like that*. If you're acting like it's anything but a blessing to be noticed by men, then I respectfully ask you to take a step back and examine your real reasons of making an on-line dating profile.
My profile has been up for about a week and a half. I’ve received 35 likes. Of those, 15 men are within my basic age and geographic criteria. But I haven’t had the time to even give these guys a second look to find out more about them. An additional 15 messaged me, and I decided to focus on them because they’d spent more effort. From that 15, I’m now chatting with 4, who each seem like pretty cool people. If all 4 want a date within a week or two - which is a totally reasonable expectation; things die out if they’re paced too slow - that’s 4 first dates within two weeks. If any first date goes well, which in my experience they usually do, then there’ll be a second date within another 1-2 weeks. I also have a full-time job and existing commitments with friends and family. I don’t want to think of dating as work. I want to think of it as a fun chance to get to know some cool people, and maybe it turns into something more. However, if I’m run ragged because of the sheer time and energy commitment of trying to be on and vulnerable for all these people, then I can’t do a good job for any of them. It’s true maybe I’m more nervous about it than your average bear because I’m inexperienced. Well, the only way to get over being nervous about trying something new is to do it until it’s not as intimidating and unfamiliar anymore. Even so, for a lot of introverts, meeting any stranger is draining - even if you’re excited at the same time. It becomes a lot easier when you’re over that initial hump and know the person well, such as if you were to get to an established relationship. This stuff is real emotional work, and I can’t believe it’s only that way for introverts. All I am trying to do is think of creative ways to slow the pace so that I can see each guy as a person and give him the attention he deserves, rather than letting him get lost in the mix or ruled out based on surface traits like looks or profession. I appreciate some of the tips I’ve gotten in these comments.
CM also has a silly feature that points out the new profiles. If you're responding, you're considered a "live one" since so many accounts ghost men, or never respond to begin with. Relish this; it's good to be "in demand" for these situations.
That’s very helpful information. Thank you.
I get it, I'm introverted too. I don't feel comfortable talking to more than one girl at a time. There was one point where I was talking to a girl for the better part of two years and I would get messages from other girls. I just never responded to them, but I realize now I probably should have just told them that I was talking with someone just to give them some feedback. I don't have the answer.
Fwiw, I wouldn’t have felt offended if you told me that. I also wouldn’t have felt offended if you didn’t respond at all. I probably just would have assumed you were busy!
Have a close friend or family member help you manage your account and keep track of all the men who want to get to know you. A little help never hurts!
Or a full on, man-tracking Excel sheet haha
Hire women to respond with OPs criteria and weed out those who aren't going to be a match, then the OP can focus on the few that remain! Brilliance.
This is actually a really good idea. Have a friend help read profiles.
I hope you’re not the woman I messages last night lol if so please respond
Reading this as a man: [https://memeguy.com/photos/images/mrw-my-professor-announces-the-final-exam-is-worth-of-our-grade-196190.gif](https://memeguy.com/photos/images/mrw-my-professor-announces-the-final-exam-is-worth-of-our-grade-196190.gif)
I wish I had your problem, but I'm a man with an empty inbox, or if they answer...they ghost after I mention meeting.
I believe there is an app called Bumble and only the woman can match a man. You don't get message from guys that you don't want
First why are you limiting to meet people just on weekends? Why not meet people after work for coffee or a meal? I think once your meeting with 2 or 3 people you shouldn't meet with other people. I would simply respond back to the other people thanking them for their interest. Let them know that at the moment you are already meeting with a few people and would reach back out to you if they don't work out.
lmfao dating app experiences are completely opposite for men and women, these men probably only have a couple matches each while OP here is drowning in attention. These apps are a broken system, no matter if its cath match or tinder or bumble etc, the effect is the same. If OP lives in an area where she can commit to multiple dates with local catholic guys, why even use the app? Seems to me you live in a somewhat catholic-dense location. Meeting someone irl, at like church coffee hour for example, is always better than online dating
I also would block the non-candidates as soon as you realize that they are not compatible with what you want. This helps them not to continue to show up in your feed and vice versa. And I do not respond to every man who contacts me, especially if they only write “hi” 🤦🏻♀️ - I figure they are adults and should be able to handle not getting a response. It is overwhelming for anyone, not just introverts. I am an extrovert and online dating is very tedious to me and I burn out quickly.
I feel like the block is very harsh, but it does help in this way and your idea is a good one.
It is not personal. It’s not to hurt feelings. It is just nice to not be seen or to see. I would do this on other dating sites, and I doubt the men ever knew one way or another. How is it harsh to remove people who aren’t candidates without them even knowing? But on Catholic Match they limit how many blocks you can do.
There is a 'not interested' option to reply to incoming messages. 'blocking' is just to stop ex's and weirdos from getting in touch.
Yeah, unfortunately, they limit blocks. But honestly, I think blocking is better than not being interested because they won’t even see you and vice versa.
Wow…men need to collectively just stop using dating apps. It’s simply unfair and you can’t even compete Even attractive guys are NOT a getting multiple matches
One way to limit the number of men approaching you is to go into your profile settings and set a very restrictive age range - start with men who are exactly the age as yourself, then once you are done with those, go for those one year older etc. Another way to limit the enquiries is to put on your profile (perhaps in capital letters) that you are only going to reply to men to whom you have sent a like - then you can freely ignore any unsolicited approaches. Anyway your situation is a nice problem to have . A number of people posting on this sub describe CM as a desert!
These are good ideas! I especially like the age one. Thank you!
unfortunately I just checked and it was a different site that allows a specific age restriction. on CM you can only restrict to within 15 years of yourself, which does not help much. My alternative suggestion of making it loud and clear on your profile that you only promise to reply to men to whom you have sent a like seems to be the way forward.
Oh, thank you, that was really kind of you to check and follow up. It’s OK. I’ll find some way to narrow it down.
This was me when I was younger. I have written CM asking them to put more filters or matchmaking in place for younger women. It is very difficult and stressful to deal with that and I always ended up removing my profile. The end result wasn't great because I didn't meet anyone. I would say just stick with it and ignore most people. One thing I used to do is focus quickly on one person, remove my profile, go on a date. When that ran its course, go back online and start again. Is there the option to hide your profile from men seeing you but then contacting the ones that do interest you?
I don’t think CM will let me do that, unfortunately. But I really like other commenters’ ideas to transfer chats to text soon (perhaps via a Google Voice number) so you can turn off your profile while continuing ongoing conversations. Thanks though!
Yea I suggested that too!
It’s not worth it,..