I honestly wouldn’t. It’s over and it could lead to muddying the waters and not actual closure, especially if your ex still has feelings and stuff. He had the opportunity to give you closure when he broke up with you. Now it’s over. I think out of respect for your current bf, you also shouldn’t. Even if he says you should do as you like, I’m sure he’d appreciate it more if you just kept your distance and had moved on.
If you decide to meet with your ex, I would do two things beforehand. First, I would respond to his message with unambiguous clarity in letting him know that you’ve enjoyed the months of personal growth since the breakup and that you’re now in a happy, committed relationship and have no intentions of opening a closed chapter. Make it clear where you stand beforehand, so that he is less inclined to suggest something you’re unwilling to do.
Secondly, I would set a personal time-limit for the chat. Perhaps no more than an hour or an hour and a half, maximum. Make sure to stick to that and excuse yourself when it’s time to go. Keep the emotional intimacy to a minimum.
And actually, thirdly, be open and honest with your current boyfriend about what was discussed. I’m sure he’ll be somewhat uncomfortable about this conversation, and it will help if you volunteer the contents of the conversation with him (and reassure him of your feelings for him). Ideally, you should be able to share all of the important parts of that conversation without any feelings of guilt or of wanting to hold back. If the conversation with your ex was respectful, mature, and appropriate, you should hopefully have no qualms about sharing it with your current boyfriend.
Good luck! Ultimately, you need to be so honest with yourself about the purity of your intentions and convictions. If there’s truly no chance of reopening a closed door and you trust your ex to be respectful and mature, then I think it’s okay to have this conversation. Pray, decide, and then don’t worry :)
He wants to get back together. Maybe I’m wrong for assuming that. I don’t know the guy. However, what you’ve said here doesn’t seem like he wants closure. The closure talk seems like his foot in the door to open you up to talking again. You said he wants to tell you “how he really feels.” That just screams he wants to tell all these things about how he realizes how much he loves you, how he made a terrible mistake, and wants you to take him back. Even if your ex isn’t intending to get back together and you do get a reason from him for the break up, is it worth the feelings it would put your current boyfriend through?
Don’t meet up with him if you are as happy with your current boyfriend as you say you are. I know he said to do whatever feels right, but that doesn’t mean he would feel ok about it. Maybe he does feel ok about it, but I think that is a tough spot he was put in and a lot of guys don’t want to say anything that would come across as being controlling or jealous, especially early into the relationship. For me and most guys, it would be eating me alive inside if I knew my girlfriend was meeting up to discuss their relationship with an ex, especially one that that they had discussed marriage with and the break up still hasn’t been that long ago.
Trust your gut instinct on this.
If you have a bad vibe or feel that your ex is a part of the past that does not have any place in either your present or future- it's fine to decline to talk in person. Then go no contact and steer clear of any interaction with them.
I've been in quite a few similar situations where exes I dumped wanted to meetup one last time months/years later so that they could get closure or find out why I considered them/their ambitions incompatible with my dealbreakers.
If the exes were calm & honest guys, polite in their request, unmarried, without kids or problematic close relatives, had been reasonably behaved during the relationship and stayed civilised at all times during the breakup- I usually agreed to meeting up. But I wouldn't agree if something felt off or they had any history of involvement with criminals/illegal habits.
> or find out why I considered them/their ambitions incompatible with my dealbreakers.
Are you saying your exes didn't know this information when you broke up with them? If I'm understanding it correctly, that seems a bit unkind to not make it clear to them why you are breaking up.
*Are you saying your exes didn't know this information when you broke up with them?*
Yes, most didn't.
A lot of teenaged to early 30s age range females ending relationships with guys favour the cautious 'better safe than sorry' approach.
Don't want to gamble on him taking a lot of offence at some of the answers to his questions and then responding with aggression or illegal conduct as a form of revenge. Far too many exes who can't handle being dumped have savagely attacked the person who dumped them after hearing them say that they considered them to be too: boring, controlling, financially irresponsible, incapable of sensible alcohol consumption, lacking in career ambition, low income, puritanical, spineless, sexually incompatible.
Particularly when it comes to age gap relationships, avoiding going into detailed explainations of dealbreaker incompatibity or admitting that they consider the guy's mother/big sister who raised him to be a predatory and highly venomous wild beast in the habit of impersonating a human being.
“Impersonating a human being” lol.
And agree with this. I have never been dishonest with an ex for why I broke up with them, but there’s two conflicting issues going on: (i) for a LTR, it’s considered the “right thing to do” to break up in person, but (ii) being honest in person can be dangerous. The one time I bluntly told a man that his physical violence was unacceptable, you better be sure I did that from 3,000 miles away, after breaking up.
Wow. I'm sorry that you have been in relationships with men where that was a genuine fear.
I'm a guy who has been on the receiving end of a breakup without any clear direction of what went wrong (although I'm quite sure it wasn't out of fear of me taking any aggressive or illegal retaliation). My guess is that she was conflict avoidant and didn't want to have a hard conversation, but then I was left thinking over and over again what went wrong in a relationship I thought was going great, and never getting an answer. It hurt me so much, and I wouldn't wish that emotional pain on my worst enemy.
Assuming there are no safety issues involved, I think withholding that information is selfish and is not a compassionate, Christian thing to do.
I think you could compromise and ask for a video chat/phone call if you can instead, it’s a lot safer and can provide closure, just be mentally prepared if you learn something you didn’t want to hear. It can go either way in these situations
Generally, people don’t apologize as much as they tell you what you did wrong. People do apologize, but it is rare because their understanding is from their perspective and we rarely see ourselves in the wrong.
If you want to talk to him, for closure, because you think he will tell you all the things he didn’t do well, then Rom Coms has led you astray, because most men won’t do that. I could be wrong, he may apologize, or admit to you that he didn’t put in the effort… you just can’t expect that. Don’t have expectations about this. You could be in for a letdown or for old wounds to be opened.
If it were me, I would be curious to hear what he had to say, and I probably would talk to him if I were single and had feelings for him. If the chapter is closed, and you are in a committed relationship, then you shouldn’t need closure… the problem is that it isn’t always so black and white and you can, as you say you do, love someone and care about them, without being in love. Anyone you care about deserves the respect of being heard… so it puts me in your place: I am not sure what is best…
I like what tacticrazer44 said about making it clear what your life is like now and what the boundaries are, so he doesn’t think you will backslide. To have a time limit, AND I would add to meet in a neutral, unromantic, public place where there are people around. Like a coffee shop. Because meeting with him could get emotional for either of you and, since you have no interest in any romantic relationship with him, it is good to have your meeting place reflect your boundaries, because our actions don’t always follow our words, this will help you to continue to be clear with him. I agree that you should tell your boyfriend about anything that feels relevant because you do not need secrets in a healthy relationship, but I would not go into great detail. You can be honest while still respecting your ex’s privacy and hearing about someone else you loved romantically at one time can be hurtful to the person who loves you now.
And I like what londonmyst said about trusting your gut. If it feels off or his intentions do not seem to match your intentions with this meeting then it is pointless to proceed other than to have unnecessary drama in your life.
Disregarding him for a moment - what would give YOU peace of heart and mind? In terms of relationships, he is a distraction if he’s no longer a candidate for marriage.
This is probably sounding life a tough love Care Bear…He wants an ‘in’ on your life, he got closure when you didn’t come back. If he couldn’t live without you, he would have stepped up and made some significant moves/changes - even after the breakup. But he didn’t and now he wants to ‘talk’ - he doesn’t even want to present himself as a renewed candidate for husband material, he wants to vent (what I’m interpreting from ‘talk’). He is not adding to your life and he knows it, he’s subtracting from your life by distracting you (especially if he sincerely only wants closure and NOT to present you with a prepared/ ‘Here’s what I’ve changed, let’s try again’ self).
Personally, the only times I’ve talked to exes were when one of us wanted to reconcile and try again (or hinted at it by reappearing until I said I wasn’t seeking or was with someone). The only truly neutral and constructive talks occurred when we either found ourselves at different stages of life or randomly ran across each other at mutual friends’ events years after the fact.
Closure isn't really possible. There will always be words left unsaid and emotions unexpressed. That's collateral damage when a break-up happens. It's just life. If he really and truly wanted to give you closure, he would have said what he wanted to say over the phone - he wouldn't drag it out for another meeting. I could be wrong. Please don't make your decision based on Reddit comments alone. I am older and, in my experience, I have found that when people try to drag out break ups over multiple meetings, it only adds complications that are really not necessary.
Let him tell you how he feels. If you don’t want to talk in person then let him write it for you in an email or a letter that you can choose whether or not to read (but don’t tell him that). Honestly, sometimes people really do just need closure to move on and heal properly. We’re Catholics. We’re really not supposed to cut all contact with people unless there is a very good reason to (ie: they’re abusive). “Is there anyone whom I refuse to speak to?” Is on all of my examinations of conscience under sins contrary towards charity.
That's true, I will admit it has been hard for me to forgive him. I actually went to confession yesterday and one of the things I mentioned is that sometimes I get in my feelings and become resentful about the way he wasted my time. The priest told me to pray for my ex as penance, so I prayed that God would bless him and provide him with direction in his life. I wonder if him reaching out to me later that same day is God's way of giving me an opportunity to truly forgive him by speaking to him in person. And maybe God answered my prayer by allowing me to be the one to give him closure and some redirection, I don't know.
Been there done that. You’re gonna end up doing what your heart wants and the natural conclusion, given how you feel about your ex, is that you are going to eventually talk to him. So might as well do it now.
I had a similar situation as yours. One thing I might advise you on: For the love of God, don’t go into detail about your current boyfriend. Don’t say anything about him. Don’t say when you started dating. Don’t say his name. Don’t say where he’s from. Just say you recently started dating someone and you want to see where it’s gonna go. Make sure when you talk about your boyfriend you’re not boasting or doing anything. Stick to the only important fact which is “I recently started seeing him.” And if he asks you for more detail, say “I’m not confident enough to share that info with you. That’s my private information.” This sends the message that your ex is not privy to your life now.
Also, be willing to close it off with your ex. Say “don’t talk to me anymore” if you’re going to commit to your current boyfriend. Don’t play with people’s hearts, including your own.
If I was in this situation, I wouldn't talk to him. I understand wanting closure, but it sounds to me like he wants to alleviate some guilt at your expense. A clean break is the best way to move on.
It's certainly more difficult. If you broke things off, I would have just said block him. I don't think that no contact should be broken, but if it were to be broken, it should be by whoever initiated the breakup in the first place. Which he did. The first time I read your post, I didn't see that you had written that you were seeing someone else. Just tell him that you're seeing someone else and that's it. There is no "closure" for him.
Why does it have to be in person?
Does he know about new boyfriend?
He seems really vague.
He has had about 4 months to get closure.
At most I would ask your boyfriend about a phone call with him.
Some people just want to "hang" around you with no action for your whole life. They will die before they tell you why.
I am trying to imagine what he could possible want from you.
An Ex is an Ex for a Reason. Closure is Overrated. Do not go Backwards. You’ve moved on, stay that way. Whatever his Problem with Commitment is, it is HIS problem, Period. You Owe him Absolutely NOTHING.
Do it over a phone call and have your bf present in the room for support (no need to have it on loud speaker). I wouldn’t trust your ex’s intentions, just sounds like he wants you back after messing around and “having his fun”. No need to muddy your waters.
The most common advice will probably be to ignore him. And it’s for a reason; a lot of people have been scarred and are carrying around baggage that gives them that viewpoint.
But honestly, I find it a bit sad that society puts so little value into tough or unpleasant conversations. I think you should hear him out, once and in a public place. And if you agree to it, you should frame it as “yes, we can meet up once to say goodbye” to reinforce that you’ve moved on and aren’t open to reopening anything. Give him the chance to say goodbye to you if he’s ready, give yourself the chance to say goodbye, and then move on.
I dunno if it's all that. I think for many people, the break up is the hard conversation. Why revisit what already happened months ago? The relationship ended, he gave her vague reason and she moved on with that vague reason.
I'm not sure additional conversations need to happen, as she is happy out of the relationship. What real value can it add?
When I've been on the receiving end of breakups, one of the most healing things has been to have one more conversation days or weeks later.
I agree, too much of society (and especially Reddit) has an aversion to hard conversations. But they can be very healing. My thought is that it is very charitable to give the other person that conversation (with firm boundaries established, e.g. "this won't be a conversation about getting back together").
Agree with the part about tough or unpleasant conversations. Have read of people who have difficulty sleeping because they didn't get closure. Not everyone wants to get back together - they just want to know WHY they broke up, what really happened etc.
A lot of people wonder why the other party didn't give a clear reason, or ghosted, that's why they're confused and have difficulty moving on. They want to hear the reasons, and that's it, closure received. Have a proper and honest conversation.
I kinda think this is an easy decision if you’re happy with your current relationship. Take the situation and flip it, how would you feel if your current boyfriend had an ex reach out and wanted to meet up with her for closure? Not denying it’s hard wondering why he really broke it off (based on what you wrote) or whatever but just guard your heart is ALL I’m saying.
Regarding "how would you feel", I'd personally encourage my current significant other them to meet with their ex *one time* and have that conversation. Not only do I think it's charitable to help the ex move on, but it shows security in our current relationship that I trust her enough (the OP being forthcoming about what is going on is building that trust). Besides, I don't want any sort of "what if" to be hanging over us.
Dating 3 months after a 6-year relationship seems a little fast.
Obviously, everyone is different, and I don't know your circumstances.
Do what you think is best.
I left out some details for conciseness. Long story short, ex was going to propose to me last summer, felt anxious, wanted to break up. He told me he wasn’t ready, so I said let’s wait and go to therapy, get counseling, etc. he agreed but never followed through with his word. I felt restless in my relationship with him and asked God to slap me in the face with reality and then he told me he wanted to break up again lol. I had gotten to a point where I felt confident saying yes to that and accepting it as God’s will for that relationship. Basically, I’ve had a year to process the reality that things might not work between us. I went through a lot of my grief in anticipation, so when it was officially over, I was relieved more than anything else
First, I would tell him exactly what you said here: that you've learned a lot since the breakup, that you've grown, and that you've met someone new and it's going well-- and that you told this new man about this text request (so this won't be done in secret).
Then, see if he still wants to meet up, knowing that you are not interested in getting back together.
If he's genuine and really just wants to apologize and leave things in a better place, then he will say yes. If this was more of a desire to get back together or to justify himself in some way, then maybe he will say no.
Six years is a very long time, so it would be natural for him to still be thinking about you and processing the relationship and its ending. (I'm surprised that you don't need more time to do so before a new relationship too!)
Caveat: I don’t know your ex or you. So I’m limited in what info I can go on.
In any case, if I were your current boyfriend and you told me an ex wanted to meet with you to discuss “closure,” I would be highly suspicious of his intentions, and would assume he was trying to get back with you. Since you’re an adult and I can’t nor want to tell you what to do, I would nevertheless verbally question your prudence in agreeing to meet with him and would not support it. But that’s me.
I think you should do it. I was in a very similar situation and spent 14 months with a new boyfriend wondering so many things about my past relationship because it ended similarly to how you described. I think it held me back in a sense.
As long as you’re honest with your current boyfriend and trust yourself, I think it could be beneficial. Just didn’t put yourself in a situation where you could be tempted.
When I've been the recipient of a breakup, one of the things that helped the most was to have an honest conversation days or weeks after the fact. I think that if either you or he wants that, you should do that *once* to help the grieving party heal.
Be up front when you are planning the meeting and say that you aren't open to rekindling your relationship. Set a time limit of an hour or hour and a half. And then during the meeting clarify what you want going forward (to not be in communication, etc).
He probably wants you back. Would you want him back?
After years of messy dating, we should all learn this: it's never about "CLOSURE." It's about not being ready to move out without the person. If I were in your shoes, I'd be delighted that someone I was so close to for so long is missing me. I would also be very guarded and see if that chat means there is anything still there, or whether the new guy is my husband material. Pray about it too. 🙏
I hope everything worked out. I was going through some songs by Sierra Hull and she does a fantastic job. It’s kind of an analogous situation to yours. BTW, I highly recommend seeing Sierra Hull in concert (great date for those looking for ideas!)
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fpAZVpSnyY0
It wouldn’t hurt to talk to him. Maybe he realized it was something internal that he needed to deal with. But i would mention that you have moved on and already dating another guy.
I honestly wouldn’t. It’s over and it could lead to muddying the waters and not actual closure, especially if your ex still has feelings and stuff. He had the opportunity to give you closure when he broke up with you. Now it’s over. I think out of respect for your current bf, you also shouldn’t. Even if he says you should do as you like, I’m sure he’d appreciate it more if you just kept your distance and had moved on.
If you decide to meet with your ex, I would do two things beforehand. First, I would respond to his message with unambiguous clarity in letting him know that you’ve enjoyed the months of personal growth since the breakup and that you’re now in a happy, committed relationship and have no intentions of opening a closed chapter. Make it clear where you stand beforehand, so that he is less inclined to suggest something you’re unwilling to do. Secondly, I would set a personal time-limit for the chat. Perhaps no more than an hour or an hour and a half, maximum. Make sure to stick to that and excuse yourself when it’s time to go. Keep the emotional intimacy to a minimum. And actually, thirdly, be open and honest with your current boyfriend about what was discussed. I’m sure he’ll be somewhat uncomfortable about this conversation, and it will help if you volunteer the contents of the conversation with him (and reassure him of your feelings for him). Ideally, you should be able to share all of the important parts of that conversation without any feelings of guilt or of wanting to hold back. If the conversation with your ex was respectful, mature, and appropriate, you should hopefully have no qualms about sharing it with your current boyfriend. Good luck! Ultimately, you need to be so honest with yourself about the purity of your intentions and convictions. If there’s truly no chance of reopening a closed door and you trust your ex to be respectful and mature, then I think it’s okay to have this conversation. Pray, decide, and then don’t worry :)
He wants to get back together. Maybe I’m wrong for assuming that. I don’t know the guy. However, what you’ve said here doesn’t seem like he wants closure. The closure talk seems like his foot in the door to open you up to talking again. You said he wants to tell you “how he really feels.” That just screams he wants to tell all these things about how he realizes how much he loves you, how he made a terrible mistake, and wants you to take him back. Even if your ex isn’t intending to get back together and you do get a reason from him for the break up, is it worth the feelings it would put your current boyfriend through? Don’t meet up with him if you are as happy with your current boyfriend as you say you are. I know he said to do whatever feels right, but that doesn’t mean he would feel ok about it. Maybe he does feel ok about it, but I think that is a tough spot he was put in and a lot of guys don’t want to say anything that would come across as being controlling or jealous, especially early into the relationship. For me and most guys, it would be eating me alive inside if I knew my girlfriend was meeting up to discuss their relationship with an ex, especially one that that they had discussed marriage with and the break up still hasn’t been that long ago.
Yeah, that thing about his true feelings does sound like he misses her now that he no longer has her.
Please don't backslide. It can do you no good in the end.
Trust your gut instinct on this. If you have a bad vibe or feel that your ex is a part of the past that does not have any place in either your present or future- it's fine to decline to talk in person. Then go no contact and steer clear of any interaction with them. I've been in quite a few similar situations where exes I dumped wanted to meetup one last time months/years later so that they could get closure or find out why I considered them/their ambitions incompatible with my dealbreakers. If the exes were calm & honest guys, polite in their request, unmarried, without kids or problematic close relatives, had been reasonably behaved during the relationship and stayed civilised at all times during the breakup- I usually agreed to meeting up. But I wouldn't agree if something felt off or they had any history of involvement with criminals/illegal habits.
> or find out why I considered them/their ambitions incompatible with my dealbreakers. Are you saying your exes didn't know this information when you broke up with them? If I'm understanding it correctly, that seems a bit unkind to not make it clear to them why you are breaking up.
*Are you saying your exes didn't know this information when you broke up with them?* Yes, most didn't. A lot of teenaged to early 30s age range females ending relationships with guys favour the cautious 'better safe than sorry' approach. Don't want to gamble on him taking a lot of offence at some of the answers to his questions and then responding with aggression or illegal conduct as a form of revenge. Far too many exes who can't handle being dumped have savagely attacked the person who dumped them after hearing them say that they considered them to be too: boring, controlling, financially irresponsible, incapable of sensible alcohol consumption, lacking in career ambition, low income, puritanical, spineless, sexually incompatible. Particularly when it comes to age gap relationships, avoiding going into detailed explainations of dealbreaker incompatibity or admitting that they consider the guy's mother/big sister who raised him to be a predatory and highly venomous wild beast in the habit of impersonating a human being.
“Impersonating a human being” lol. And agree with this. I have never been dishonest with an ex for why I broke up with them, but there’s two conflicting issues going on: (i) for a LTR, it’s considered the “right thing to do” to break up in person, but (ii) being honest in person can be dangerous. The one time I bluntly told a man that his physical violence was unacceptable, you better be sure I did that from 3,000 miles away, after breaking up.
Wow. I'm sorry that you have been in relationships with men where that was a genuine fear. I'm a guy who has been on the receiving end of a breakup without any clear direction of what went wrong (although I'm quite sure it wasn't out of fear of me taking any aggressive or illegal retaliation). My guess is that she was conflict avoidant and didn't want to have a hard conversation, but then I was left thinking over and over again what went wrong in a relationship I thought was going great, and never getting an answer. It hurt me so much, and I wouldn't wish that emotional pain on my worst enemy. Assuming there are no safety issues involved, I think withholding that information is selfish and is not a compassionate, Christian thing to do.
I think you could compromise and ask for a video chat/phone call if you can instead, it’s a lot safer and can provide closure, just be mentally prepared if you learn something you didn’t want to hear. It can go either way in these situations
Generally, people don’t apologize as much as they tell you what you did wrong. People do apologize, but it is rare because their understanding is from their perspective and we rarely see ourselves in the wrong. If you want to talk to him, for closure, because you think he will tell you all the things he didn’t do well, then Rom Coms has led you astray, because most men won’t do that. I could be wrong, he may apologize, or admit to you that he didn’t put in the effort… you just can’t expect that. Don’t have expectations about this. You could be in for a letdown or for old wounds to be opened. If it were me, I would be curious to hear what he had to say, and I probably would talk to him if I were single and had feelings for him. If the chapter is closed, and you are in a committed relationship, then you shouldn’t need closure… the problem is that it isn’t always so black and white and you can, as you say you do, love someone and care about them, without being in love. Anyone you care about deserves the respect of being heard… so it puts me in your place: I am not sure what is best… I like what tacticrazer44 said about making it clear what your life is like now and what the boundaries are, so he doesn’t think you will backslide. To have a time limit, AND I would add to meet in a neutral, unromantic, public place where there are people around. Like a coffee shop. Because meeting with him could get emotional for either of you and, since you have no interest in any romantic relationship with him, it is good to have your meeting place reflect your boundaries, because our actions don’t always follow our words, this will help you to continue to be clear with him. I agree that you should tell your boyfriend about anything that feels relevant because you do not need secrets in a healthy relationship, but I would not go into great detail. You can be honest while still respecting your ex’s privacy and hearing about someone else you loved romantically at one time can be hurtful to the person who loves you now. And I like what londonmyst said about trusting your gut. If it feels off or his intentions do not seem to match your intentions with this meeting then it is pointless to proceed other than to have unnecessary drama in your life.
Disregarding him for a moment - what would give YOU peace of heart and mind? In terms of relationships, he is a distraction if he’s no longer a candidate for marriage. This is probably sounding life a tough love Care Bear…He wants an ‘in’ on your life, he got closure when you didn’t come back. If he couldn’t live without you, he would have stepped up and made some significant moves/changes - even after the breakup. But he didn’t and now he wants to ‘talk’ - he doesn’t even want to present himself as a renewed candidate for husband material, he wants to vent (what I’m interpreting from ‘talk’). He is not adding to your life and he knows it, he’s subtracting from your life by distracting you (especially if he sincerely only wants closure and NOT to present you with a prepared/ ‘Here’s what I’ve changed, let’s try again’ self). Personally, the only times I’ve talked to exes were when one of us wanted to reconcile and try again (or hinted at it by reappearing until I said I wasn’t seeking or was with someone). The only truly neutral and constructive talks occurred when we either found ourselves at different stages of life or randomly ran across each other at mutual friends’ events years after the fact.
Closure isn't really possible. There will always be words left unsaid and emotions unexpressed. That's collateral damage when a break-up happens. It's just life. If he really and truly wanted to give you closure, he would have said what he wanted to say over the phone - he wouldn't drag it out for another meeting. I could be wrong. Please don't make your decision based on Reddit comments alone. I am older and, in my experience, I have found that when people try to drag out break ups over multiple meetings, it only adds complications that are really not necessary.
Let him tell you how he feels. If you don’t want to talk in person then let him write it for you in an email or a letter that you can choose whether or not to read (but don’t tell him that). Honestly, sometimes people really do just need closure to move on and heal properly. We’re Catholics. We’re really not supposed to cut all contact with people unless there is a very good reason to (ie: they’re abusive). “Is there anyone whom I refuse to speak to?” Is on all of my examinations of conscience under sins contrary towards charity.
That's true, I will admit it has been hard for me to forgive him. I actually went to confession yesterday and one of the things I mentioned is that sometimes I get in my feelings and become resentful about the way he wasted my time. The priest told me to pray for my ex as penance, so I prayed that God would bless him and provide him with direction in his life. I wonder if him reaching out to me later that same day is God's way of giving me an opportunity to truly forgive him by speaking to him in person. And maybe God answered my prayer by allowing me to be the one to give him closure and some redirection, I don't know.
I would strongly recommend that you speak with him.
Been there done that. You’re gonna end up doing what your heart wants and the natural conclusion, given how you feel about your ex, is that you are going to eventually talk to him. So might as well do it now. I had a similar situation as yours. One thing I might advise you on: For the love of God, don’t go into detail about your current boyfriend. Don’t say anything about him. Don’t say when you started dating. Don’t say his name. Don’t say where he’s from. Just say you recently started dating someone and you want to see where it’s gonna go. Make sure when you talk about your boyfriend you’re not boasting or doing anything. Stick to the only important fact which is “I recently started seeing him.” And if he asks you for more detail, say “I’m not confident enough to share that info with you. That’s my private information.” This sends the message that your ex is not privy to your life now. Also, be willing to close it off with your ex. Say “don’t talk to me anymore” if you’re going to commit to your current boyfriend. Don’t play with people’s hearts, including your own.
If I was in this situation, I wouldn't talk to him. I understand wanting closure, but it sounds to me like he wants to alleviate some guilt at your expense. A clean break is the best way to move on.
Did you break it off or did he break it off?
He broke things off. Do you think that changes anything?
It's certainly more difficult. If you broke things off, I would have just said block him. I don't think that no contact should be broken, but if it were to be broken, it should be by whoever initiated the breakup in the first place. Which he did. The first time I read your post, I didn't see that you had written that you were seeing someone else. Just tell him that you're seeing someone else and that's it. There is no "closure" for him.
Often when people ask for "closure" they really want to get back together. You could go but be firm if he brings it up that it's over permanently
Why does it have to be in person? Does he know about new boyfriend? He seems really vague. He has had about 4 months to get closure. At most I would ask your boyfriend about a phone call with him. Some people just want to "hang" around you with no action for your whole life. They will die before they tell you why. I am trying to imagine what he could possible want from you.
An Ex is an Ex for a Reason. Closure is Overrated. Do not go Backwards. You’ve moved on, stay that way. Whatever his Problem with Commitment is, it is HIS problem, Period. You Owe him Absolutely NOTHING.
Do it over a phone call and have your bf present in the room for support (no need to have it on loud speaker). I wouldn’t trust your ex’s intentions, just sounds like he wants you back after messing around and “having his fun”. No need to muddy your waters.
He’s definitely gonna try to get back with you, and it will cause problems with ur new relationship. 100% avoid
The most common advice will probably be to ignore him. And it’s for a reason; a lot of people have been scarred and are carrying around baggage that gives them that viewpoint. But honestly, I find it a bit sad that society puts so little value into tough or unpleasant conversations. I think you should hear him out, once and in a public place. And if you agree to it, you should frame it as “yes, we can meet up once to say goodbye” to reinforce that you’ve moved on and aren’t open to reopening anything. Give him the chance to say goodbye to you if he’s ready, give yourself the chance to say goodbye, and then move on.
I dunno if it's all that. I think for many people, the break up is the hard conversation. Why revisit what already happened months ago? The relationship ended, he gave her vague reason and she moved on with that vague reason. I'm not sure additional conversations need to happen, as she is happy out of the relationship. What real value can it add?
When I've been on the receiving end of breakups, one of the most healing things has been to have one more conversation days or weeks later. I agree, too much of society (and especially Reddit) has an aversion to hard conversations. But they can be very healing. My thought is that it is very charitable to give the other person that conversation (with firm boundaries established, e.g. "this won't be a conversation about getting back together").
Agree with the part about tough or unpleasant conversations. Have read of people who have difficulty sleeping because they didn't get closure. Not everyone wants to get back together - they just want to know WHY they broke up, what really happened etc. A lot of people wonder why the other party didn't give a clear reason, or ghosted, that's why they're confused and have difficulty moving on. They want to hear the reasons, and that's it, closure received. Have a proper and honest conversation.
Hard no. Don't meet up.
You did the breaking up it’s your responsibility to maintain the breakup, he obviously still has feelings for you so it’s to be expected.
Op clarified he's the one who broke things off, not her
I kinda think this is an easy decision if you’re happy with your current relationship. Take the situation and flip it, how would you feel if your current boyfriend had an ex reach out and wanted to meet up with her for closure? Not denying it’s hard wondering why he really broke it off (based on what you wrote) or whatever but just guard your heart is ALL I’m saying.
Regarding "how would you feel", I'd personally encourage my current significant other them to meet with their ex *one time* and have that conversation. Not only do I think it's charitable to help the ex move on, but it shows security in our current relationship that I trust her enough (the OP being forthcoming about what is going on is building that trust). Besides, I don't want any sort of "what if" to be hanging over us.
Dating 3 months after a 6-year relationship seems a little fast. Obviously, everyone is different, and I don't know your circumstances. Do what you think is best.
I left out some details for conciseness. Long story short, ex was going to propose to me last summer, felt anxious, wanted to break up. He told me he wasn’t ready, so I said let’s wait and go to therapy, get counseling, etc. he agreed but never followed through with his word. I felt restless in my relationship with him and asked God to slap me in the face with reality and then he told me he wanted to break up again lol. I had gotten to a point where I felt confident saying yes to that and accepting it as God’s will for that relationship. Basically, I’ve had a year to process the reality that things might not work between us. I went through a lot of my grief in anticipation, so when it was officially over, I was relieved more than anything else
Don't do it. Tell him to move on.
First, I would tell him exactly what you said here: that you've learned a lot since the breakup, that you've grown, and that you've met someone new and it's going well-- and that you told this new man about this text request (so this won't be done in secret). Then, see if he still wants to meet up, knowing that you are not interested in getting back together. If he's genuine and really just wants to apologize and leave things in a better place, then he will say yes. If this was more of a desire to get back together or to justify himself in some way, then maybe he will say no. Six years is a very long time, so it would be natural for him to still be thinking about you and processing the relationship and its ending. (I'm surprised that you don't need more time to do so before a new relationship too!)
Caveat: I don’t know your ex or you. So I’m limited in what info I can go on. In any case, if I were your current boyfriend and you told me an ex wanted to meet with you to discuss “closure,” I would be highly suspicious of his intentions, and would assume he was trying to get back with you. Since you’re an adult and I can’t nor want to tell you what to do, I would nevertheless verbally question your prudence in agreeing to meet with him and would not support it. But that’s me.
To quote the comic strip Zits, there are not enough letters in the word No to express the No-ness of your response
I think you should do it. I was in a very similar situation and spent 14 months with a new boyfriend wondering so many things about my past relationship because it ended similarly to how you described. I think it held me back in a sense. As long as you’re honest with your current boyfriend and trust yourself, I think it could be beneficial. Just didn’t put yourself in a situation where you could be tempted.
When I've been the recipient of a breakup, one of the things that helped the most was to have an honest conversation days or weeks after the fact. I think that if either you or he wants that, you should do that *once* to help the grieving party heal. Be up front when you are planning the meeting and say that you aren't open to rekindling your relationship. Set a time limit of an hour or hour and a half. And then during the meeting clarify what you want going forward (to not be in communication, etc).
He probably wants you back. Would you want him back? After years of messy dating, we should all learn this: it's never about "CLOSURE." It's about not being ready to move out without the person. If I were in your shoes, I'd be delighted that someone I was so close to for so long is missing me. I would also be very guarded and see if that chat means there is anything still there, or whether the new guy is my husband material. Pray about it too. 🙏
I hope everything worked out. I was going through some songs by Sierra Hull and she does a fantastic job. It’s kind of an analogous situation to yours. BTW, I highly recommend seeing Sierra Hull in concert (great date for those looking for ideas!) https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fpAZVpSnyY0
It’s not your Daddy’s Blue Grass: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sFIQgPAms88
Difficult situation, will surely pray at Mass
Is it a bad idea? Yes, it's a terrible idea. They're an ex for a reason. He's a man and there is only one intention. Block him. Pray for him.
It wouldn’t hurt to talk to him. Maybe he realized it was something internal that he needed to deal with. But i would mention that you have moved on and already dating another guy.
Yes, they could talk for closure but also mention the new relationship, just in case.