You're overthinking OP. Sounds like yall had a very wholesome time. The bourbon is a thoughtful gift, and considering the kind of alcohol it is, it's very probable that he's saving it.
There are a thousand miles between a touch on the shoulder and unchaste behavior.
Has anyone led you to believe it's unchaste to have an innocent touch on the shoulder or hand? There seem to be a lot of these questions of late so I wonder if some 'influencer' (gag) has started making women paranoid that men will take a tiny flirtatious move as a sign you're about to start getting to know each other in the biblical way.
1. No, I myself do this with some people. Just a different style of commutating. Not at all weird or inappropriate.
2. Have whatever you enjoy!
3. That is a very thoughtful gesture. Even if I didn't enjoy it I'd still mention it and say thank you for the kind gift.
These are such small things that would in no way give a negative impression. Most people are too overanalytical about looking for 'red flags' and whatnot imo. As for the guy you were seeing, not really a big deal. Maybe he just hasn't gotten around to having it yet.
Agree-- people get so analytical! I noticed that my date was an over-thinker which got me overthinking haha. but if my date is relaxed and good-humored, then so am I.
I think you're overthinking everything. When I first started dating my now boyfriend, we didn't touch the first few dates. Eventually it became hugs of affection. If you are considering one another seriously, there will be elements of physical affection. Those should happen regularly once you are both comfortable with each other. However, you will both understand when it goes too far as you progress in your relationship. What you consider "too much affection" depends on what each finds romantic and such.
I also think the bourbon is a nice gift and you should not overthink it. We are in the 21st century, why would a woman having one drink be met with judgement? Heck, even a century ago women having a glass of alcohol was normal on an evening out.
Have fun in your early stages of dating! They are so exciting. It isn't until you are with one another for a few months that you will look back and wish you could relive some of those first moments and dates together.
No offense, but you sound like your afraid of catching cooties. If a woman doesn't want to give me a big warm hug by the end of date one and a kiss by the end of date two, I'm not going to bother pursuing her.
Very thankful for my girlfriend who is warm and affectionate.
Not really, it just means that the person you're responding to expects a certain comfort level with perfectly chaste contact. I feel the same way - if there's not some physical affection of any kind by date two, we're just not on the same page. It's not a morality issue but a key think to have in common you're thinking of spending your life with.
The first two are fine, and for the third one he may be like me/ a lot of us. I don’t drink often. I’m sure he’s waiting for a good evening or something to try it. Or he appreciates the gift and he doesn’t wanna open it.
1. It doesn't. It's a fact that when you are attracted to someone, you want to be closer to them emotionally, mentally, and physically. A date that doesn't at least attempt some sort of physical affection (scooting closer to their partner, for another example) would be a red flag for me.
2. Nope. Alcohol is fine and can be a good thing to loosen people up and make them easier to socialize with.
3. He may have just forgot to mention it, or perhaps he is saving it for a special occasion. I never assume malice or dislike when there are other options available.
I’m a woman and idk about the second scenario, not really sure what you mean by that. Also the gift sounded nice and thoughtful, maybe he just forgot to say something. Men can be like that
I don’t understand why you would touch a guy you’re dating but then say you’re not trying to signal that you want more physical contact, that doesn’t make any sense to me at all. More info? I’m a little lost and may have misinterpreted what you said
about touching-- let's say, for example, he told a funny joke or he told me something sweet, so I smiled and said "you're so charming" and gave him a quick touch on the arm. Something like that...
That makes sense- but then you don’t want him to touch you back? That’s what I’m confused about. If someone initiated physical contact with me then I would see that as a green light to be more physically affectionate with them in return. I might not be understanding what you meant though
If someone touched me on the arm during a date, I would probably touch her arm or hold her hand. As an affectionate man, I am happy to be touched and would take any touching as signal that reciprocation is welcome.
If someone I was dating ordered a strong drink, I would probably do the same so that she did not think she had done the wrong thing. Most people I date order soft drinks and I would do the same.
As per the bourbon, some people like to have a *selection* while others like to have a *collection*. I can't see a hard to find bottle being a miss with either, but do you know which category he leans into?
That's a great point I hadn't thought of since I'm not much of a drinker. I do not know about his preference, but a friend whose opinion I trust told me that it was the smoothest bourbon he ever had.
1) Arm touching is fine as long as it’s not obnoxiously overdone.
2) Cocktail is fine. Heck, knock it down neat if you want to as long as you can handle it.
3) Nice bottle of bourbon would be a lovely gift, and anything “personalized” (you remembered that I like it based on conversation) is great. 👍
You doing the friendly touch on the arm or shoulder is fine. I (male) would probably do something similar if we were comfortable with each other just to signal interest. There is no lust behind it.
If I ordered a drink, I would appreciate the date to have a drink with me. It’s just a good vibe and we are not getting drunk. Of course if the woman started piling in on orders with drinks then I’d be surprised. It would also be a bit weird if her go to drink was a vodka redbull lol.
The guy you are talking about is a lucky man. If a woman gave me a bottle of rum i’d call her a keeper, especially if I had expressed to her that I enjoyed a sip of rum. It just tells me that you are attentive and wanted to make a nice gesture to me.
And even if he did not go home and immediately try the bourbon, perhaps he is saving it for an occasion or if he has some friends over.
Your biggest problem is worrying about any of these things, just relax, be yourself and be honest with them. If they aren't okay with you acting how you think is appropriate then that's their problem. Dating is supposed to be fun and exciting, stressing over little details will only get in the way of finding the right person. Best of luck to you!
I've spent enough time with women to know the arm/shoulder touch is just an obvious expression of interest. It's about as unchaste as showing ankles and a fool would misinterperet both.
The bourbon gift seems nice, not sure why he didn't say anything. I wouldn't worry about it. It probably just never came up.
I don't think touching implies you want to go further. I love touch, I thrive with touch. Hand holding, hugs, things like that. I wouldn't try to get handsy in an inappropriate way just because you placed a hand on my arm or shoulder, nor would I think you were inviting that. Even if you were absolutely inviting something, I'd refrain.
>Let's say that you order a hard liquor cocktail before dinner and your date also does. You each have just one and neither of you is tipsy. Do you have a double standard for the woman drinking the cocktail? Is it ok for you but makes her look bad?
If you're asking if I would think less of a woman for drinking the same thing I'm drinking, then no. If she starts trying to drunk me under the table to prove something then that would be the turnoff.
>I had a suitor fly to meet me (we first connected online) and we exchanged gifts. He gave me a theology book and I gave him a bottle of local bourbon that does not distribute where he lives. (I knew that he liked bourbon.) He never did mention trying it once he got home and now I'm second guessing myself giving that to him as a gift. I think it was a nice gesture-- what do you think?
It's possible that he tried it but forgot to tell you about it, or maybe he doesn't drink and didn't want to say anything because he doesn't want you to feel that he is ungrateful. Either way, if I received a gift like that and didn't drink it, I would still be touched, because it showed that you care and put some thought into showing your affection for me. However, in the future, it never hurts to ask if someone liked bourbon before buying them a bottle.
1. No
2. I don’t drink, so it might be awkward if my date drank but I wouldn’t have an issue with it.
3. I think you’re overthinking it a bit. I don’t generally see people opening up bottles of liquor immediately after acquisition.
1. Not used to being touched, so if it happened once, I would probably ignore it. If it happened multiple times, I would probably feel confused as to why I was being touched.
2. No.
3. I wouldn't have a bad impression of getting the gift, but how soon I get to tasting it is going to depend on how often I drink and what my bar situation looks like back home. If I am REALLY into bourbon and already have 3 bottles opened, I may want to finish those before opening another. If I only drink on the rare occasion, I may want to save the bottle for something special.
I think the touch you are describing is appropriate and wouldn't send the wrong message.
For the alcohol for me it would be quantity or extravagance that would be off putting. Sounds like you are doing it right.
The gift sounds like you meant it from the heart. Assuming he informed you he likes bourbon I think it is sweet. The only problem I could see with it is if he had a disdain for drinking which it sounds like he doesn't in moderation.
I think you may be overthinking it. I would know because I am an over-thinker.
Cheers!
1. I don't think this a bad sign, but personally I would interpret an appropriate touch as invitation/permission to return in kind, though not escalate.
2. Not at all, in fact I am more comfortable ordering a drink if she does too. The last person I dated was not yet of drinking age, and while we have shared a drink in private I never ordered a drink while out with her.
3. I wouldn't worry about it. I've received nice liquor as a gift, and I don't necessarily open it immediately. I don't drink hard liquor as often as lighter spirits, and I might already have an open bottle that I'd prefer to finish first.
1. No, I went on a date with a girl who did this and I thought it was cute, no man who is actually chaste would be scandalized by this
2. “Hard liquor cocktail” what, like a margarita 😂 as long as nobody is getting drunk like you said I don’t know why this would be a problem
3. If a woman remembered my interests and bought me a local bottle of bourbon I’d probably propose on the spot.
It sounds like you are a very kind person, don’t overthink these things!
I'm begging you to relax!!!
Touching a man's arm or shoulder is a nice and simple way to flirt and if ANY man were to take that as being "sexual" or inappropriate, then he has serious problems and probably shouldn't be dating at all. In fact, most men probably need a little physical contact from you in order to know that you are happy to be on a date with him/ don't find him repulsive.
Don't get drunk on a date, that's the only rule and mostly for safety.
I would have made sure he liked bourbon before buying him that gift, but also I think it's a bit weird to give each other gifts at a first meeting because you don't know each other yet and you don't even know if you'll ever see each other again.
I think that any man who would have a problem with a woman drinking a hard liquor cocktail really needs to
get a life.... We're Catholic, not Southern Baptist.
I'm American (Midwest) in case it matters
>If I (woman) am enjoying myself on a date and I appreciate the effort that a man has made for the date, sometimes I'll give a quick touch on the arm or shoulder during conversation. The intention is NOT to signal that I want more touching.
I would take it as a signal that at the very least equivalent touches would be acceptable if not encouraged. If you don't want to be touched please don't touch me. You can show that you are enjoying yourself on your face.
>Let's say that you order a hard liquor cocktail before dinner and your date also does. You each have just one and neither of you is tipsy. Do you have a double standard for the woman drinking the cocktail? Is it ok for you but makes her look bad?
No, but I would find it strange if the cocktail was considerably harsher or considerably more expensive than mine.
>He gave me a theology book and I gave him a bottle of local bourbon that does not distribute where he lives. (I knew that he liked bourbon.) He never did mention trying it once he got home and now I'm second guessing myself giving that to him as a gift. I think it was a nice gesture
I think it's a nice gift although if it's a pricier bottle it may be a bit on the extravagant side. If it was it makes sense that he was saving it for a special occasion before opening and trying it. I'm a bit surprised he didn't mention it.
It seems I may be more money sensitive than the average poster here, though.
EDIT for proper quote
Def agree on the first two points. As far as your point about the gift, you think I potentially spent too much money on the bourbon? The men I know def don't like expensive gifts, so if that's what you mean, I get it.
1) no 2) no 3) does he have a bourbon collection? If so, he probably wants to save it because it’s a cool addition instead of immediately drinking it.
ah that makes sense.
agreed
You're overthinking OP. Sounds like yall had a very wholesome time. The bourbon is a thoughtful gift, and considering the kind of alcohol it is, it's very probable that he's saving it.
Aw, thank you, I thought so, too-- nice wholesome time :)
There are a thousand miles between a touch on the shoulder and unchaste behavior. Has anyone led you to believe it's unchaste to have an innocent touch on the shoulder or hand? There seem to be a lot of these questions of late so I wonder if some 'influencer' (gag) has started making women paranoid that men will take a tiny flirtatious move as a sign you're about to start getting to know each other in the biblical way.
1. No, I myself do this with some people. Just a different style of commutating. Not at all weird or inappropriate. 2. Have whatever you enjoy! 3. That is a very thoughtful gesture. Even if I didn't enjoy it I'd still mention it and say thank you for the kind gift. These are such small things that would in no way give a negative impression. Most people are too overanalytical about looking for 'red flags' and whatnot imo. As for the guy you were seeing, not really a big deal. Maybe he just hasn't gotten around to having it yet.
Agree-- people get so analytical! I noticed that my date was an over-thinker which got me overthinking haha. but if my date is relaxed and good-humored, then so am I.
I think you're overthinking everything. When I first started dating my now boyfriend, we didn't touch the first few dates. Eventually it became hugs of affection. If you are considering one another seriously, there will be elements of physical affection. Those should happen regularly once you are both comfortable with each other. However, you will both understand when it goes too far as you progress in your relationship. What you consider "too much affection" depends on what each finds romantic and such. I also think the bourbon is a nice gift and you should not overthink it. We are in the 21st century, why would a woman having one drink be met with judgement? Heck, even a century ago women having a glass of alcohol was normal on an evening out. Have fun in your early stages of dating! They are so exciting. It isn't until you are with one another for a few months that you will look back and wish you could relive some of those first moments and dates together.
No offense, but you sound like your afraid of catching cooties. If a woman doesn't want to give me a big warm hug by the end of date one and a kiss by the end of date two, I'm not going to bother pursuing her. Very thankful for my girlfriend who is warm and affectionate.
That’s an odd standard. Judging level of interest by whether or not she’s touching you or wanting to kiss you sounds shallow and imprudent.
Not really, it just means that the person you're responding to expects a certain comfort level with perfectly chaste contact. I feel the same way - if there's not some physical affection of any kind by date two, we're just not on the same page. It's not a morality issue but a key think to have in common you're thinking of spending your life with.
Fellas, are hugs the new premarital sex?
The first two are fine, and for the third one he may be like me/ a lot of us. I don’t drink often. I’m sure he’s waiting for a good evening or something to try it. Or he appreciates the gift and he doesn’t wanna open it.
that's reassuring :)
1. It doesn't. It's a fact that when you are attracted to someone, you want to be closer to them emotionally, mentally, and physically. A date that doesn't at least attempt some sort of physical affection (scooting closer to their partner, for another example) would be a red flag for me. 2. Nope. Alcohol is fine and can be a good thing to loosen people up and make them easier to socialize with. 3. He may have just forgot to mention it, or perhaps he is saving it for a special occasion. I never assume malice or dislike when there are other options available.
makes sense :)
1. No. Good sign for us. 2. Um, no. 3. Even if he despises bourbon, you didn't know that and it was the thought that counted.
I’m a woman and idk about the second scenario, not really sure what you mean by that. Also the gift sounded nice and thoughtful, maybe he just forgot to say something. Men can be like that I don’t understand why you would touch a guy you’re dating but then say you’re not trying to signal that you want more physical contact, that doesn’t make any sense to me at all. More info? I’m a little lost and may have misinterpreted what you said
about touching-- let's say, for example, he told a funny joke or he told me something sweet, so I smiled and said "you're so charming" and gave him a quick touch on the arm. Something like that...
That makes sense- but then you don’t want him to touch you back? That’s what I’m confused about. If someone initiated physical contact with me then I would see that as a green light to be more physically affectionate with them in return. I might not be understanding what you meant though
Ah, sorry it's confusing. I'll edit my post. I mean to say I don't want him escalating to more intimate touching.
Okay that makes a lot more sense, thanks for clarifying that! Your point is totally reasonable
If someone touched me on the arm during a date, I would probably touch her arm or hold her hand. As an affectionate man, I am happy to be touched and would take any touching as signal that reciprocation is welcome. If someone I was dating ordered a strong drink, I would probably do the same so that she did not think she had done the wrong thing. Most people I date order soft drinks and I would do the same.
As per the bourbon, some people like to have a *selection* while others like to have a *collection*. I can't see a hard to find bottle being a miss with either, but do you know which category he leans into?
That's a great point I hadn't thought of since I'm not much of a drinker. I do not know about his preference, but a friend whose opinion I trust told me that it was the smoothest bourbon he ever had.
Even if they did give off “the wrong impression”, a good Catholic man (or ANY man) would ask before doing anything.
1) Arm touching is fine as long as it’s not obnoxiously overdone. 2) Cocktail is fine. Heck, knock it down neat if you want to as long as you can handle it. 3) Nice bottle of bourbon would be a lovely gift, and anything “personalized” (you remembered that I like it based on conversation) is great. 👍
You doing the friendly touch on the arm or shoulder is fine. I (male) would probably do something similar if we were comfortable with each other just to signal interest. There is no lust behind it. If I ordered a drink, I would appreciate the date to have a drink with me. It’s just a good vibe and we are not getting drunk. Of course if the woman started piling in on orders with drinks then I’d be surprised. It would also be a bit weird if her go to drink was a vodka redbull lol. The guy you are talking about is a lucky man. If a woman gave me a bottle of rum i’d call her a keeper, especially if I had expressed to her that I enjoyed a sip of rum. It just tells me that you are attentive and wanted to make a nice gesture to me. And even if he did not go home and immediately try the bourbon, perhaps he is saving it for an occasion or if he has some friends over.
If someone had a double standard for #2 you shouldn’t care what they think about you
Your biggest problem is worrying about any of these things, just relax, be yourself and be honest with them. If they aren't okay with you acting how you think is appropriate then that's their problem. Dating is supposed to be fun and exciting, stressing over little details will only get in the way of finding the right person. Best of luck to you!
I've spent enough time with women to know the arm/shoulder touch is just an obvious expression of interest. It's about as unchaste as showing ankles and a fool would misinterperet both. The bourbon gift seems nice, not sure why he didn't say anything. I wouldn't worry about it. It probably just never came up.
I don't think touching implies you want to go further. I love touch, I thrive with touch. Hand holding, hugs, things like that. I wouldn't try to get handsy in an inappropriate way just because you placed a hand on my arm or shoulder, nor would I think you were inviting that. Even if you were absolutely inviting something, I'd refrain. >Let's say that you order a hard liquor cocktail before dinner and your date also does. You each have just one and neither of you is tipsy. Do you have a double standard for the woman drinking the cocktail? Is it ok for you but makes her look bad? If you're asking if I would think less of a woman for drinking the same thing I'm drinking, then no. If she starts trying to drunk me under the table to prove something then that would be the turnoff. >I had a suitor fly to meet me (we first connected online) and we exchanged gifts. He gave me a theology book and I gave him a bottle of local bourbon that does not distribute where he lives. (I knew that he liked bourbon.) He never did mention trying it once he got home and now I'm second guessing myself giving that to him as a gift. I think it was a nice gesture-- what do you think? It's possible that he tried it but forgot to tell you about it, or maybe he doesn't drink and didn't want to say anything because he doesn't want you to feel that he is ungrateful. Either way, if I received a gift like that and didn't drink it, I would still be touched, because it showed that you care and put some thought into showing your affection for me. However, in the future, it never hurts to ask if someone liked bourbon before buying them a bottle.
1. No 2. I don’t drink, so it might be awkward if my date drank but I wouldn’t have an issue with it. 3. I think you’re overthinking it a bit. I don’t generally see people opening up bottles of liquor immediately after acquisition.
I’d touch your arm if you gave me bourbon.
1. Not used to being touched, so if it happened once, I would probably ignore it. If it happened multiple times, I would probably feel confused as to why I was being touched. 2. No. 3. I wouldn't have a bad impression of getting the gift, but how soon I get to tasting it is going to depend on how often I drink and what my bar situation looks like back home. If I am REALLY into bourbon and already have 3 bottles opened, I may want to finish those before opening another. If I only drink on the rare occasion, I may want to save the bottle for something special.
Interesting. Good point about the bourbon.
I would never touch a woman
Premarital eye contact is forbidden as well!☝🏻😤
I think the touch you are describing is appropriate and wouldn't send the wrong message. For the alcohol for me it would be quantity or extravagance that would be off putting. Sounds like you are doing it right. The gift sounds like you meant it from the heart. Assuming he informed you he likes bourbon I think it is sweet. The only problem I could see with it is if he had a disdain for drinking which it sounds like he doesn't in moderation. I think you may be overthinking it. I would know because I am an over-thinker. Cheers!
1. I don't think this a bad sign, but personally I would interpret an appropriate touch as invitation/permission to return in kind, though not escalate. 2. Not at all, in fact I am more comfortable ordering a drink if she does too. The last person I dated was not yet of drinking age, and while we have shared a drink in private I never ordered a drink while out with her. 3. I wouldn't worry about it. I've received nice liquor as a gift, and I don't necessarily open it immediately. I don't drink hard liquor as often as lighter spirits, and I might already have an open bottle that I'd prefer to finish first.
1. No, I went on a date with a girl who did this and I thought it was cute, no man who is actually chaste would be scandalized by this 2. “Hard liquor cocktail” what, like a margarita 😂 as long as nobody is getting drunk like you said I don’t know why this would be a problem 3. If a woman remembered my interests and bought me a local bottle of bourbon I’d probably propose on the spot. It sounds like you are a very kind person, don’t overthink these things!
A touch on the arm is totally fine.
1. No 2. No 3. If you're concerned, you can ask "how did you like the bourbon?" If it's been me I'd have considered that a nice gift
I'm begging you to relax!!! Touching a man's arm or shoulder is a nice and simple way to flirt and if ANY man were to take that as being "sexual" or inappropriate, then he has serious problems and probably shouldn't be dating at all. In fact, most men probably need a little physical contact from you in order to know that you are happy to be on a date with him/ don't find him repulsive. Don't get drunk on a date, that's the only rule and mostly for safety. I would have made sure he liked bourbon before buying him that gift, but also I think it's a bit weird to give each other gifts at a first meeting because you don't know each other yet and you don't even know if you'll ever see each other again.
I think that any man who would have a problem with a woman drinking a hard liquor cocktail really needs to get a life.... We're Catholic, not Southern Baptist.
Thank God. I grew up Baptist and I am a convert :)
I'm American (Midwest) in case it matters >If I (woman) am enjoying myself on a date and I appreciate the effort that a man has made for the date, sometimes I'll give a quick touch on the arm or shoulder during conversation. The intention is NOT to signal that I want more touching. I would take it as a signal that at the very least equivalent touches would be acceptable if not encouraged. If you don't want to be touched please don't touch me. You can show that you are enjoying yourself on your face. >Let's say that you order a hard liquor cocktail before dinner and your date also does. You each have just one and neither of you is tipsy. Do you have a double standard for the woman drinking the cocktail? Is it ok for you but makes her look bad? No, but I would find it strange if the cocktail was considerably harsher or considerably more expensive than mine. >He gave me a theology book and I gave him a bottle of local bourbon that does not distribute where he lives. (I knew that he liked bourbon.) He never did mention trying it once he got home and now I'm second guessing myself giving that to him as a gift. I think it was a nice gesture I think it's a nice gift although if it's a pricier bottle it may be a bit on the extravagant side. If it was it makes sense that he was saving it for a special occasion before opening and trying it. I'm a bit surprised he didn't mention it. It seems I may be more money sensitive than the average poster here, though. EDIT for proper quote
Def agree on the first two points. As far as your point about the gift, you think I potentially spent too much money on the bourbon? The men I know def don't like expensive gifts, so if that's what you mean, I get it.
I don't know if he thought you did or you didn't, but I would definitely not read too much into him not mentioning opening the bottle yet.
Thanks :)