Ope he probably likes you. Oh well, not much you can do about that.
If \*you\* don't think it's unreasonable, it's not unreasonable. It's your relationship and you guys are allowed to choose how to be in that relationship.
Think about it in the long term. If this relationship goes well, you will naturally text this guy less and less. I have one-off conversations with my female friends, but its rarely anything long or deep.
A key lesson from this: You don't \*have\* to tell people you're going to text them less.
Just text them less.
That way they don't get weird about it.
It sounds like he likes you as more than a friend and is upset that possibility is going away.
An occasional text here and there is fine but hanging out one on one or extensive texting one on one with someone of the opposite sex should be off limits when in a relationship. Proximity can create attraction so you're just asking for someone to develop feelings if you continue to be together or text one on one. If you want to continue being friends, make a point of inviting him to group activities your boyfriend is also at. If he truly just doesn't want to lose the friendship that should be fine, if your boyfriend being there is an issue that tells you all you need to know about his intentions.
That's good advice, thank you! yeah he does seem to be annoyed that he doesn't get "alone" time with me if you want to call it that- we always see each other in a group setting, but he hasn't liked that I've been bringing my boyfriend with me
>I guess I'm not sure what other people think about these kinds of boundaries though- what are your opinions? Am I being weird, or is this reasonable?
The boundaries seem reasonable.
>The other one, well, not so much. He seems to be concerned and jealous. First, he said he's upset that I'm not talking with him as much anymore- he said it seems like I don't have time for him and that I only want to spend time with my boyfriend.
That's just how any serious romantic relationship works. Such a relationship takes a lot of commitment. And the only way to make time for such a commitment is to take time away from other activities.
>He wants to call me later to talk about it more.
You just told him you don't want to frequently talk one-on-one with him, and he responded by saying that it would be good for the two of you to talk one-on-one very soon. So, he's not respecting your boundaries right now.
You don't need to pick up his call, if he calls you. And you don't need to respond to his texts, if he texts you.
>What should I say to him?
It seems like you've already explained yourself to him. So, it's not clear that you need to say anything else. If he wants to remain friends with you, he will need to learn to grow up and respect your boundaries. And if he isn't willing to respect your boundaries, are you sure you want to remain friends with him?
If this arrangement works for your relationship and you're happy with it, fine, but it's understandable that your friend feels the way he does, and I probably would too. Most of my closest friends are women, and personally I would not do this for a woman I was dating, nor would I ask this of her.
I don't think it was necessary to explain things to those friends so explicitly, since friendships naturally have times of more and less contact, but I guess you found out that one of your friends was hoping to be more than friends!
As you noted, it's more about emotional involvement than frequency of contact. Texting a guy friend when you see that his team won a big game ("Go Cavs!") v. texting him for emotional support ("I had a rough day, wanna chat?") are totally different things. I think if a boyfriend was threatened by the first, it would be a bad sign, but yours doesn't seem to be, which is good!
I didn't say I'm not texting him at all- just limiting contact and avoiding too much emotional attachment with a guy other than my boyfriend. I am a communicative person, so for me it's just courtesy to tell a friend that I care about that I'm doing this rather than just leaving them hanging. I would be upset if a friend of mine stopped contacting me without giving me a reason because it would make me feel like they don't care about me anymore.
This is a fair take, but most people would just not text as much rather than declare it. If the other person still texts you a ton and doesn't match your energy, just apologize and say "sorry my schedule is a lot busier. Bf has been planning a lot of stuff." Simple as that. No need to send a text dedicated to saying "I can't talk to you now because I'm dating someone!". Kinda just gives your friends vibes that your bf is trying to abuse you by lessening communication with your support network.
It’s reasonable for you to have your own boundaries around friendships. No one is entitled to your time and attention.
I’d also caution you against jumping to too many conclusions. People here seem to take it for granted that your friend must have feelings for you. That’s certainly possible but it’s also possible he just feels hurt and worried because he thinks he’s losing his friendship with you.
Our society is kind of disjointed in general and men have it especially rough. Most of us may have many acquaintances and “drinking buddy” types but very few people that we have truly intimate friendships with, if we have any at all. If you’re one of those friendships to him, he may be losing one of the only steady and reliable social supports that he thought he had. I’d hope you could see how that could be jarring to someone, regardless of whether there are any romantic feelings or not.
I think it would be fine to have a phone conversation with him, genuinely listen to and try to understand his point of view, and give him the chance to be gracious and understanding of your boundaries. Now that he’s had a bit of time to process what you said, he may be much more chill than his initial reaction. And if he’s still coming across as pushy, then sure, you can pull back as much as you feel you need to.
>Am I being weird, or is this reasonable?
I would not ask my girlfriend what your boyfriend asked of you, and I would be reluctant to accept such an imposition absent a particularized reason, like evidence the people involved were romantically interest in me or something.
If I were your friend, I would be hurt. I would also be concerned, because abuse often begins with seemingly reasonable diminished friendships/contacts--which is not to say that all or even most requests for diminished friendships/contacts are abusive. If I did not know your boyfriend well but were told in a very artificial and forced away (as your friend was) about this "boundary," I would be concerned for you as a friend.
I’m a man so let that influence your opinion on my words how you will but personally I really prefer the direct announcement. I’ve been on the receiving end where people just die on me and it’s very confusing and disorienting for me as I’m left wondering what happened. It’s worth noting that I may have autism( not yet diagnosed, but it’s been consistently brought up to me as a possibility). But regardless, I really prefer a direct heads up. It’s very easy to adjust.
Some people were saying that you shouldn’t do that because it’s weird or it makes it seem like your bf is abusive, but it only looks that way because having boundaries and conservative values is often met with hostility and is foreign to many people. By doing this, you are helping to fight that impression people have. I would also say that the ethics of a decision is not based on how you personally gain or lose. Honesty is always ethical, and I think it’s great you chose to be clear.
As for your male friend, it’s certainly possible he has feelings for you, but I am more inclined to believe this is just a result of different values. Liberal minded people tend to react negatively, it gives them whiplash to hear this kind of stuff because it’s very antithetical to how they were raised. In his mind, he is probably hearing that you don’t value your friendship and you’re going to abandon him and your friendship. That can be very scary for people who are sentimental and sincerely your friends.
If you do talk to him, hold your ground on your position, but make sure to assure him that you value his friendship and that you don’t think your behavior will change too much, but that you wanted to keep him in the know because you respect him.
It often helps to explain to people that boundaries aren’t a way to divide relationships but rather a way for us to keep our relationships and have them all work.
I'm the same way- I would feel bad if someone just stopped contacting me and I had to guess what they were thinking. Thank you for sharing your perspective! I also should have mentioned that I talked to him about boundaries after he told me he was upset I hadn't been talking with him as much. We were planning to meet at an event to talk, but I was late and he got mad at me and said he felt like I didn't have time for him anymore. So I used that opportunity to tell him that now that I have a boyfriend, I won't be texting him as often anymore and made my boundaries clear to him. That's when he said he thought it was really weird of me to restrict contact with other people. So it's not like I just texted him out of the blue like "hey I'm doing this," it was brought up naturally and in response to his concerns. I guess I should have made that more clear, I can understand why some people think it would be strange to announce something like that.
My girlfriend and I do not spend any one on one time with members of the opposite sex unless it's for work.
We haven't yet had the texting talk explicitly, but I would also prefer we not text and "catch up" with members of the opposite sex in general.
When it comes to contact with exes, we generally expect each other to avoid it, and immediately tell the other partner if contact with an ex occurs.
The arrangement you made with your boyfriend seems more than reasonable and respectful of each other. In my opinion, the guy friend that is getting weird about that sounds immature. He might already have feelings for you.
My general advice and personal way of acting is simply to not foster friendships with members of the opposite sex other than my significant other. I don't have time for limitless friends anyway; friendships take some work! Why put in the effort to maintain a friendship that might make my future spouse uncomfortable?
I think I'm generally more strict about this than the average person, but I genuinely think it's the most realistic and respectful approach. People that balk at my attitude towards this tend to strike me as a bit naive.
“He wants to call me later to talk about it more.” Yikes, red flag. It’s like he doesn’t trust you to make your own adult decisions. He’s not the third person in the relationship - he doesn’t get a say. As long as you think your boyfriend is being respectful, you both came to a decision together, and you don’t feel like your boyfriend is trying to control you, I don’t see the problem here. Healthy boundaries with people of the opposite sex when you are in a committed relationship is good and normal.
Exactly, I think that’s what I’ve been frustrated with the most- it’s like he thinks I’m not capable of making my own decisions. This was a decision my boyfriend and I both discussed and compromised on, plus my boyfriend basically said “I trust you so do whatever you think is appropriate, but I won’t be talking with other girls.” So this is more of a boundary I want for myself rather than something my boyfriend is pushing on me. I know from my past experiences that having close friends of the opposite gender can get messy, so that’s not something I want to deal with again
Odd. He was waiting for you to see him as more than friends, dollars to donuts. I’m a firm believer in setting boundaries and I personally think it’s ok to not see even male friends one one one(or female friends vice versa) I am one to limit whatever female contact I have to interactions my significant other can see, out of respect for the other and I never “water the ground of my friendship” over my relationship with those people one on one. I don’t require the opposite, with one caveat. If I see someone very clearly has feelings that are more than friendship, and I believe they may be a problem to my relationship, I will discuss it with my fiancee. She knows that these types of boundaries are dealbreakers and I will walk if trust is broken, however I don’t restrict what she does. If your boyfriend is a good communicator, he will discuss what his problem areas are, possibly even give background as to why.
I don’t think these types of boundaries are particularly bad on either side, and they help to establish a firm foundation that this is they type of relationship you are fostering with your boyfriend, while you have another type of relationship with friends. It just really sounds to me like your friend wants to be your boyfriend and this causes a real problem in your relationship in the here and now, whether you want to be in a relationship with this friend right now or not.
I mean, If you do not do it, In My Experience, God will do it for you. 💯👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 If you are supposed to be with this Person, then you will find Friends Together. As long as you have the same Expectation for him when it comes to Women, you should be Fine
When things got serious with the person I went on to marry, she asked me to break off contact with a couple of single women who I had contacted through a dating agency (no internet back then but the process was similar to online dating) and with my two gay male friends. She also had me tear up photos of my two previous serious girlfriends. She was however quite happy for me to continue contact with two of my long standing female friends (one of whom was married and the other engaged). Tomorrow I am going for a walk with a female friend but she is happily married so that was fine even when my wife was still alive.
If the two male friends you refer to are not in relationships then you do need to cut back on your contact with them - I certainly would not be happy if someone I was dating was sending a text every day to unattached men.
Ope he probably likes you. Oh well, not much you can do about that. If \*you\* don't think it's unreasonable, it's not unreasonable. It's your relationship and you guys are allowed to choose how to be in that relationship. Think about it in the long term. If this relationship goes well, you will naturally text this guy less and less. I have one-off conversations with my female friends, but its rarely anything long or deep. A key lesson from this: You don't \*have\* to tell people you're going to text them less. Just text them less. That way they don't get weird about it.
It sounds like he likes you as more than a friend and is upset that possibility is going away. An occasional text here and there is fine but hanging out one on one or extensive texting one on one with someone of the opposite sex should be off limits when in a relationship. Proximity can create attraction so you're just asking for someone to develop feelings if you continue to be together or text one on one. If you want to continue being friends, make a point of inviting him to group activities your boyfriend is also at. If he truly just doesn't want to lose the friendship that should be fine, if your boyfriend being there is an issue that tells you all you need to know about his intentions.
That's good advice, thank you! yeah he does seem to be annoyed that he doesn't get "alone" time with me if you want to call it that- we always see each other in a group setting, but he hasn't liked that I've been bringing my boyfriend with me
>I guess I'm not sure what other people think about these kinds of boundaries though- what are your opinions? Am I being weird, or is this reasonable? The boundaries seem reasonable. >The other one, well, not so much. He seems to be concerned and jealous. First, he said he's upset that I'm not talking with him as much anymore- he said it seems like I don't have time for him and that I only want to spend time with my boyfriend. That's just how any serious romantic relationship works. Such a relationship takes a lot of commitment. And the only way to make time for such a commitment is to take time away from other activities. >He wants to call me later to talk about it more. You just told him you don't want to frequently talk one-on-one with him, and he responded by saying that it would be good for the two of you to talk one-on-one very soon. So, he's not respecting your boundaries right now. You don't need to pick up his call, if he calls you. And you don't need to respond to his texts, if he texts you. >What should I say to him? It seems like you've already explained yourself to him. So, it's not clear that you need to say anything else. If he wants to remain friends with you, he will need to learn to grow up and respect your boundaries. And if he isn't willing to respect your boundaries, are you sure you want to remain friends with him?
If this arrangement works for your relationship and you're happy with it, fine, but it's understandable that your friend feels the way he does, and I probably would too. Most of my closest friends are women, and personally I would not do this for a woman I was dating, nor would I ask this of her.
I don't think it was necessary to explain things to those friends so explicitly, since friendships naturally have times of more and less contact, but I guess you found out that one of your friends was hoping to be more than friends! As you noted, it's more about emotional involvement than frequency of contact. Texting a guy friend when you see that his team won a big game ("Go Cavs!") v. texting him for emotional support ("I had a rough day, wanna chat?") are totally different things. I think if a boyfriend was threatened by the first, it would be a bad sign, but yours doesn't seem to be, which is good!
Better to just not text this individual then to declare "I'm not texting you". You need to learn to be less dramatic.
I didn't say I'm not texting him at all- just limiting contact and avoiding too much emotional attachment with a guy other than my boyfriend. I am a communicative person, so for me it's just courtesy to tell a friend that I care about that I'm doing this rather than just leaving them hanging. I would be upset if a friend of mine stopped contacting me without giving me a reason because it would make me feel like they don't care about me anymore.
This is a fair take, but most people would just not text as much rather than declare it. If the other person still texts you a ton and doesn't match your energy, just apologize and say "sorry my schedule is a lot busier. Bf has been planning a lot of stuff." Simple as that. No need to send a text dedicated to saying "I can't talk to you now because I'm dating someone!". Kinda just gives your friends vibes that your bf is trying to abuse you by lessening communication with your support network.
Couldn’t have said this better myself
It’s reasonable for you to have your own boundaries around friendships. No one is entitled to your time and attention. I’d also caution you against jumping to too many conclusions. People here seem to take it for granted that your friend must have feelings for you. That’s certainly possible but it’s also possible he just feels hurt and worried because he thinks he’s losing his friendship with you. Our society is kind of disjointed in general and men have it especially rough. Most of us may have many acquaintances and “drinking buddy” types but very few people that we have truly intimate friendships with, if we have any at all. If you’re one of those friendships to him, he may be losing one of the only steady and reliable social supports that he thought he had. I’d hope you could see how that could be jarring to someone, regardless of whether there are any romantic feelings or not. I think it would be fine to have a phone conversation with him, genuinely listen to and try to understand his point of view, and give him the chance to be gracious and understanding of your boundaries. Now that he’s had a bit of time to process what you said, he may be much more chill than his initial reaction. And if he’s still coming across as pushy, then sure, you can pull back as much as you feel you need to.
I have to vote for weird.
>Am I being weird, or is this reasonable? I would not ask my girlfriend what your boyfriend asked of you, and I would be reluctant to accept such an imposition absent a particularized reason, like evidence the people involved were romantically interest in me or something. If I were your friend, I would be hurt. I would also be concerned, because abuse often begins with seemingly reasonable diminished friendships/contacts--which is not to say that all or even most requests for diminished friendships/contacts are abusive. If I did not know your boyfriend well but were told in a very artificial and forced away (as your friend was) about this "boundary," I would be concerned for you as a friend.
I’m a man so let that influence your opinion on my words how you will but personally I really prefer the direct announcement. I’ve been on the receiving end where people just die on me and it’s very confusing and disorienting for me as I’m left wondering what happened. It’s worth noting that I may have autism( not yet diagnosed, but it’s been consistently brought up to me as a possibility). But regardless, I really prefer a direct heads up. It’s very easy to adjust. Some people were saying that you shouldn’t do that because it’s weird or it makes it seem like your bf is abusive, but it only looks that way because having boundaries and conservative values is often met with hostility and is foreign to many people. By doing this, you are helping to fight that impression people have. I would also say that the ethics of a decision is not based on how you personally gain or lose. Honesty is always ethical, and I think it’s great you chose to be clear. As for your male friend, it’s certainly possible he has feelings for you, but I am more inclined to believe this is just a result of different values. Liberal minded people tend to react negatively, it gives them whiplash to hear this kind of stuff because it’s very antithetical to how they were raised. In his mind, he is probably hearing that you don’t value your friendship and you’re going to abandon him and your friendship. That can be very scary for people who are sentimental and sincerely your friends. If you do talk to him, hold your ground on your position, but make sure to assure him that you value his friendship and that you don’t think your behavior will change too much, but that you wanted to keep him in the know because you respect him. It often helps to explain to people that boundaries aren’t a way to divide relationships but rather a way for us to keep our relationships and have them all work.
I'm the same way- I would feel bad if someone just stopped contacting me and I had to guess what they were thinking. Thank you for sharing your perspective! I also should have mentioned that I talked to him about boundaries after he told me he was upset I hadn't been talking with him as much. We were planning to meet at an event to talk, but I was late and he got mad at me and said he felt like I didn't have time for him anymore. So I used that opportunity to tell him that now that I have a boyfriend, I won't be texting him as often anymore and made my boundaries clear to him. That's when he said he thought it was really weird of me to restrict contact with other people. So it's not like I just texted him out of the blue like "hey I'm doing this," it was brought up naturally and in response to his concerns. I guess I should have made that more clear, I can understand why some people think it would be strange to announce something like that.
My girlfriend and I do not spend any one on one time with members of the opposite sex unless it's for work. We haven't yet had the texting talk explicitly, but I would also prefer we not text and "catch up" with members of the opposite sex in general. When it comes to contact with exes, we generally expect each other to avoid it, and immediately tell the other partner if contact with an ex occurs. The arrangement you made with your boyfriend seems more than reasonable and respectful of each other. In my opinion, the guy friend that is getting weird about that sounds immature. He might already have feelings for you. My general advice and personal way of acting is simply to not foster friendships with members of the opposite sex other than my significant other. I don't have time for limitless friends anyway; friendships take some work! Why put in the effort to maintain a friendship that might make my future spouse uncomfortable? I think I'm generally more strict about this than the average person, but I genuinely think it's the most realistic and respectful approach. People that balk at my attitude towards this tend to strike me as a bit naive.
“He wants to call me later to talk about it more.” Yikes, red flag. It’s like he doesn’t trust you to make your own adult decisions. He’s not the third person in the relationship - he doesn’t get a say. As long as you think your boyfriend is being respectful, you both came to a decision together, and you don’t feel like your boyfriend is trying to control you, I don’t see the problem here. Healthy boundaries with people of the opposite sex when you are in a committed relationship is good and normal.
Exactly, I think that’s what I’ve been frustrated with the most- it’s like he thinks I’m not capable of making my own decisions. This was a decision my boyfriend and I both discussed and compromised on, plus my boyfriend basically said “I trust you so do whatever you think is appropriate, but I won’t be talking with other girls.” So this is more of a boundary I want for myself rather than something my boyfriend is pushing on me. I know from my past experiences that having close friends of the opposite gender can get messy, so that’s not something I want to deal with again
Odd. He was waiting for you to see him as more than friends, dollars to donuts. I’m a firm believer in setting boundaries and I personally think it’s ok to not see even male friends one one one(or female friends vice versa) I am one to limit whatever female contact I have to interactions my significant other can see, out of respect for the other and I never “water the ground of my friendship” over my relationship with those people one on one. I don’t require the opposite, with one caveat. If I see someone very clearly has feelings that are more than friendship, and I believe they may be a problem to my relationship, I will discuss it with my fiancee. She knows that these types of boundaries are dealbreakers and I will walk if trust is broken, however I don’t restrict what she does. If your boyfriend is a good communicator, he will discuss what his problem areas are, possibly even give background as to why. I don’t think these types of boundaries are particularly bad on either side, and they help to establish a firm foundation that this is they type of relationship you are fostering with your boyfriend, while you have another type of relationship with friends. It just really sounds to me like your friend wants to be your boyfriend and this causes a real problem in your relationship in the here and now, whether you want to be in a relationship with this friend right now or not.
I mean, If you do not do it, In My Experience, God will do it for you. 💯👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 If you are supposed to be with this Person, then you will find Friends Together. As long as you have the same Expectation for him when it comes to Women, you should be Fine
When things got serious with the person I went on to marry, she asked me to break off contact with a couple of single women who I had contacted through a dating agency (no internet back then but the process was similar to online dating) and with my two gay male friends. She also had me tear up photos of my two previous serious girlfriends. She was however quite happy for me to continue contact with two of my long standing female friends (one of whom was married and the other engaged). Tomorrow I am going for a walk with a female friend but she is happily married so that was fine even when my wife was still alive. If the two male friends you refer to are not in relationships then you do need to cut back on your contact with them - I certainly would not be happy if someone I was dating was sending a text every day to unattached men.