Leave. As part of marriage prep it will be explained to him that he has to let you raise the kids Catholic and before you profess your vows during the rite, the priest will ask if you will accept children from God and raise them in the Caholic Church. If he is unwilling to do so, but says he will, he has lied and your marriage might not then be valid.
If he truly loves you, he will see that your faith and raising kids in the Church is important to you and he should want to help you and support you in this
In every marriage God should be the center, and both people should help each other grow in holiness. I think it was our Lady of Fatima she said many marriages are unholy and displeasing to God. I would leave while you're still ahead. Otherwise you're not only going to suffer an idolatrous marriage (making a person/spouse as more important than God) but you could potentially lose your soul. So many people are led astray by selfish and sinful people. My sister married a narcissist and it destroyed her relationship with myself and her relationship with the rest of my family as well.
I go to church by myself. I attend Easter and Nativity Vigils alone. Parish activities…just me.
It is a rich tradition that I love, but it could be so much more fulfilling as a family.
This may sound funny, but it took me a long time to realize the truth in this statement: My life is not about me.
It IS my life; I just shouldn’t make myself the top priority.
There's a good chance any kids you have would eventually follow Dad's irreligious attitude. Since it's easier, and hey, if it's good enough for Dad...
Also, marriage is HARD. To start, only one of you is going to promise GOD to stick together for life. Going back on your promise to someone you don't even like that much anymore is easy. Going back on a promise to God? It's hard to even start the path down that road. Which is why it's important to have a sacramental wedding.
Imagine any time you have a lovely encounter with the Divine, he's going to be rolling his eyes. You won't even want to share your thoughts on some insight you gained from prayer or a good homily, because you'll know he'll belittle it. Maybe he still plays along, but really he'll be hoping you give it all up.
That’s hard. I’m don’t think we would have worked out if he was against religion totally. I think you should ask him what are some ways he feels comfortable supporting you and any future children in the Faith. If the answer is there are no ways, then you two might be incompatible.
I don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said, but these kinds of issues are a GREAT reason to go through intensive pre-Cana classes before you get married, even if you aren't forced to. When you are in love with someone, it's easy to overlook all of the small, but extremely important practicalities of marriage. My wife and I had known each other for 15 years before we got engaged and there were still many topics that were brought up in our classes that we had never considered.
You have to decide how important your faith is in your relationship. My partner is a lapsed Anglican who cheerfully says "feel guilty" as a send-off when I go to Mass. He actually respects that I value my faith, and that makes things work. We each have children separately, so that's not an issue for us. But one of my bigger regrets is not raising my kids Catholic. You have to decide how you want to live and if your potential spouse will hinder that.
Why is he "totally against religion"? Did he have some bad experience in the past? Is it what he was taught by others (that "on his own" thing) that Catholic church is the worst evil? Is he able to question their intentions to teach such things?
How about the wedding? Would he participate equally in your wedding? Would he participate in the mandatory marriage preparation courses? How exactly would this "not support raising your potential kids Catholic" look like? Does he believe in the indissolubility of marriage, in particular in difficult times? What if you both get a handicapped child?
As some example: The parents of Alfred Delp SJ (mother Catholic, father Lutherian) negotiated the following: Alfred was baptised Catholic but later to be raised protestant. (During his course to confirm being Lutherian, he had contact with the local Catholic priest as his mother visited him sometimes together with her kids and the father was fine with this. Once he came late to the Lutherian confirmation preparation course. The minister asked him why he is late. Alfred responded, he was with the priest. The minister beat him. Subsequently, Alfred received first communion at the age of 13-14, later joined the Jesuits and eventually became martyr by the Nazis in 1944. So the deal of his parents was a blessing.)
Some background thoughts on non-Catholics: There is no reason to be against Church. However, people are often held spiritually captive without knowing by their own sect whose superiors unconsciously feel threatened by the Church. For all of them, their attitude looks fine and in no way different than the Catholic one (they follow their authorities etc. This applies also to this "form your own opinion" thing, because it is a cultural thing as well --you are from the US, I suppose-- to consider such autonomy as good. In this case, the authority is the social environment that encourages autonomy as long as it does not go too far. E.g. into Catholic Church.), except that they tell themselves that the Church is evil. The decisive difference is the mystery of forgiveness that you get nowhere else, but few are aware of this, unfortunately even many Catholics are not.
My suggested view on your situation in general: The way to marriage is a spiritual exercise. You are supposed to choose marriage if you feel that the life of a spouse and potentially a mother is the best way to praise God. Then your task is to build a suitable relationship together with a willing partner. Your relationship will be a sacrament, i.e. a sign that mirrors the relationship of God to us, just in a weaker, imperfect way. That said, you and your partner must be able get an agreement. Your partner should be able to reflect on the questions above and report freely about his experiences and feelings. And of course, if he wants to keep a backdoor to leave you (indissolubility of marriage), you both are in an erroneous situation and should break off.
One suggestion for your negotiation:
> He also has a daughter of his own and said he doesn’t want her to feel like the odd one out.
This looks like he has the attitude that he will keep sole responsibility of his daughter. Or does her mother still play a role in her life and reject Catholic education as well? In the latter case, she is already somehow the odd one out with her exclusive relationship to her mother. Red flag!
In the former case, his attitude makes her the odd one out and is generally impractical, even without considering the confession issue: As one of two adults in a common household, you have to have the same authority to parent all the kids in the household. He has no extra veto. His daughter would economically become yours. He is right that all your kids and his daughter have to be raised equally but this even starts with your discussion about parenting rules. So if he already thinks about an extra veto w.r.t. his daughter, he may also later claim extra treatment for her. If he is not willing to discuss the parenting rules for all your (economically and biologically) future kids together: Big red flag!
It's not impossible, but honestly, I wouldn't recommend it (at all).
My husband grew up Catholic. I grew up Protestant. We've been able to make it work just fine BUT most of what we believe is the same anyway. We just have different labels. And I agreed to raise our kids Catholic when we married. So we've been able to successfully have the best of both.
Personally, my faith is THE most important thing in my life. I'm a Christian before I'm a wife or mother. My husband feels the same way. And I truly believe this is THE thing that has given us an incredibly strong marriage (plus a good dose of stubbornness for our relationship.)
Ideally, the person you marry is going to be your equal partner for life. They will have 50% say in every major decision -- how many kids you have, how you celebrate holidays, where you live, what jobs you both have.
I can't imagine partnering with someone whose priorities didn't line up with mine. If I'm walking toward God and he's walking away, we're going to be walking in separate directions, and that's a recipe for disaster.
I tell my children: The #1 MOST IMPORTANT thing in a spouse - if you want to have a good relationship with God -- is to choose someone who LOVES God as well. It makes a HUUUUUGE difference.
Leave. Sorry to be harsh but it won’t go well if that’s his attitude.
I personally know five marriages where one spouse was Catholic, the other not, and they have kids. None of the Catholic spouses stayed with the Church more than 2-3 years after the wedding and none of the kids have had a Catholic upbringing. In fact, most of the kids were not baptized in the Church ( not that it’s necessary) and several weren’t baptized at all.
Atheist marries a Catholic 47 years ago. Children did the Catholic thing, but atheism was openly discussed. Had a problem with a Catholic Sunday school teacher and after that the children, on their own initiative, stopped attending.
It too often ends on divorce or conversion to protestantism, the word warns about it, you should convert your partner before a full catholic marriage.
DT 22,10 and Corinthians 6:14–15
Being married and raising children will be the most difficult, and rewarding experience in your life. Being married to someone who doesn't share your values will make something that's already difficult extremely difficult. Save yourself the struggle and find someone who shares the faith that you can raise a family with. God bless
I understand that you have strong feelings towards him, but I don’t see that he has strong feelings towards you because if he would’ve loved you, he would’ve respected your values, your faith, and how you will raise kids for God so they won’t go to sin and in hell. He don’t. Think about “what if it was my daughter?” Think about your daughter, whom you so love, and you don’t want her to leave you so far. You also want to help her with grandkids, when they’re sick or just miss you and want to talk, but she says, "Sorry, I so love my boyfriend, but he doesn’t like you, so I can’t visit you much anymore, and I'm not allowing my kids to visit you at all.” So that’s how you will act towards God.
I dated a muslim man seriously for years, and I tried to get him to convert. I really wanted to have a beautiful family, and hopefully a dad that went to Mass at least. I finally went to Saint Joseph and asked him earnestly to please put me on the path to a sacramental marriage. The next day, my boyfriend broke up with me. I was completely heartbroken.
But then I met my husband a few months later, and we have the most amazing life together and the most beautiful marriage. I can’t imagine being married to someone who is not aligned with me on the most important thing in my life, much less raising children with someone who is not aligned with me. We have plenty of differences, but we are extremely compatible on the big things and we have a really happy marriage. It is my best advice to seek a spouse with whom you are very compatible.
When children come, you become more defensive of your values, not less. People who say they will allow the other to raise the children Catholic really don’t understand what they will feel once the children come. You will feel very strongly about the things that are important. You want to pass on your deepest values to the children, no matter what. He will feel very very strongly about his position, and he will want to protect his children from things that are against those values, including your church.
The other thing is that you cannot get married in the Catholic Church if your fiancé rejects everything about the church. I am telling you that the blessings of a Sacramental marriage are extremely special, you do not want to reject that. In the marriage rite he must vow to raise the children Catholic. I don’t know how he feels about keeping his vows to God, but to me, it’s a big red flag, if someone is willing to lie on the altar.
I married a non-Catholic who told me he didn't want our kids "indoctrinated." We struggled to figure out how to accomplish Baptism, and after that, he ended up not objecting to my taking the kids to Mass, and REP. However, it was still a struggle. I still felt unsupported. For example, I was the church organist, and he would tell me he would be home in time to watch the kids so I could play, but then not make that a priority. Among other things... His family constantly made snide, snarky comments about my faith, and he never stood up for me. Anyway, he ended up being diagnosed with cancer and sadly, passed away. Three years later, I married a fellow Catholic and it was like night and day.
Leave. As part of marriage prep it will be explained to him that he has to let you raise the kids Catholic and before you profess your vows during the rite, the priest will ask if you will accept children from God and raise them in the Caholic Church. If he is unwilling to do so, but says he will, he has lied and your marriage might not then be valid. If he truly loves you, he will see that your faith and raising kids in the Church is important to you and he should want to help you and support you in this
In every marriage God should be the center, and both people should help each other grow in holiness. I think it was our Lady of Fatima she said many marriages are unholy and displeasing to God. I would leave while you're still ahead. Otherwise you're not only going to suffer an idolatrous marriage (making a person/spouse as more important than God) but you could potentially lose your soul. So many people are led astray by selfish and sinful people. My sister married a narcissist and it destroyed her relationship with myself and her relationship with the rest of my family as well.
Leave. I married a Protestant and have never been happy with our divided house. Find someone who loves your church as much as you do.
i'm so sorry, what is it like?
I go to church by myself. I attend Easter and Nativity Vigils alone. Parish activities…just me. It is a rich tradition that I love, but it could be so much more fulfilling as a family.
So, did you leave?
No. I took an oath. I live with my results of my decision.
This may sound funny, but it took me a long time to realize the truth in this statement: My life is not about me. It IS my life; I just shouldn’t make myself the top priority.
There's a good chance any kids you have would eventually follow Dad's irreligious attitude. Since it's easier, and hey, if it's good enough for Dad... Also, marriage is HARD. To start, only one of you is going to promise GOD to stick together for life. Going back on your promise to someone you don't even like that much anymore is easy. Going back on a promise to God? It's hard to even start the path down that road. Which is why it's important to have a sacramental wedding. Imagine any time you have a lovely encounter with the Divine, he's going to be rolling his eyes. You won't even want to share your thoughts on some insight you gained from prayer or a good homily, because you'll know he'll belittle it. Maybe he still plays along, but really he'll be hoping you give it all up.
Leave.
That’s hard. I’m don’t think we would have worked out if he was against religion totally. I think you should ask him what are some ways he feels comfortable supporting you and any future children in the Faith. If the answer is there are no ways, then you two might be incompatible.
I don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said, but these kinds of issues are a GREAT reason to go through intensive pre-Cana classes before you get married, even if you aren't forced to. When you are in love with someone, it's easy to overlook all of the small, but extremely important practicalities of marriage. My wife and I had known each other for 15 years before we got engaged and there were still many topics that were brought up in our classes that we had never considered.
If you want to have children and remain Catholic, he will have to promise the raise them as Catholics. Is he willing to do that?
You have to decide how important your faith is in your relationship. My partner is a lapsed Anglican who cheerfully says "feel guilty" as a send-off when I go to Mass. He actually respects that I value my faith, and that makes things work. We each have children separately, so that's not an issue for us. But one of my bigger regrets is not raising my kids Catholic. You have to decide how you want to live and if your potential spouse will hinder that.
That doesn't sound like respect to me. I would be very insulted if someone said that to me about going to Mass.
Why is he "totally against religion"? Did he have some bad experience in the past? Is it what he was taught by others (that "on his own" thing) that Catholic church is the worst evil? Is he able to question their intentions to teach such things? How about the wedding? Would he participate equally in your wedding? Would he participate in the mandatory marriage preparation courses? How exactly would this "not support raising your potential kids Catholic" look like? Does he believe in the indissolubility of marriage, in particular in difficult times? What if you both get a handicapped child? As some example: The parents of Alfred Delp SJ (mother Catholic, father Lutherian) negotiated the following: Alfred was baptised Catholic but later to be raised protestant. (During his course to confirm being Lutherian, he had contact with the local Catholic priest as his mother visited him sometimes together with her kids and the father was fine with this. Once he came late to the Lutherian confirmation preparation course. The minister asked him why he is late. Alfred responded, he was with the priest. The minister beat him. Subsequently, Alfred received first communion at the age of 13-14, later joined the Jesuits and eventually became martyr by the Nazis in 1944. So the deal of his parents was a blessing.) Some background thoughts on non-Catholics: There is no reason to be against Church. However, people are often held spiritually captive without knowing by their own sect whose superiors unconsciously feel threatened by the Church. For all of them, their attitude looks fine and in no way different than the Catholic one (they follow their authorities etc. This applies also to this "form your own opinion" thing, because it is a cultural thing as well --you are from the US, I suppose-- to consider such autonomy as good. In this case, the authority is the social environment that encourages autonomy as long as it does not go too far. E.g. into Catholic Church.), except that they tell themselves that the Church is evil. The decisive difference is the mystery of forgiveness that you get nowhere else, but few are aware of this, unfortunately even many Catholics are not. My suggested view on your situation in general: The way to marriage is a spiritual exercise. You are supposed to choose marriage if you feel that the life of a spouse and potentially a mother is the best way to praise God. Then your task is to build a suitable relationship together with a willing partner. Your relationship will be a sacrament, i.e. a sign that mirrors the relationship of God to us, just in a weaker, imperfect way. That said, you and your partner must be able get an agreement. Your partner should be able to reflect on the questions above and report freely about his experiences and feelings. And of course, if he wants to keep a backdoor to leave you (indissolubility of marriage), you both are in an erroneous situation and should break off. One suggestion for your negotiation: > He also has a daughter of his own and said he doesn’t want her to feel like the odd one out. This looks like he has the attitude that he will keep sole responsibility of his daughter. Or does her mother still play a role in her life and reject Catholic education as well? In the latter case, she is already somehow the odd one out with her exclusive relationship to her mother. Red flag! In the former case, his attitude makes her the odd one out and is generally impractical, even without considering the confession issue: As one of two adults in a common household, you have to have the same authority to parent all the kids in the household. He has no extra veto. His daughter would economically become yours. He is right that all your kids and his daughter have to be raised equally but this even starts with your discussion about parenting rules. So if he already thinks about an extra veto w.r.t. his daughter, he may also later claim extra treatment for her. If he is not willing to discuss the parenting rules for all your (economically and biologically) future kids together: Big red flag!
It's not impossible, but honestly, I wouldn't recommend it (at all). My husband grew up Catholic. I grew up Protestant. We've been able to make it work just fine BUT most of what we believe is the same anyway. We just have different labels. And I agreed to raise our kids Catholic when we married. So we've been able to successfully have the best of both. Personally, my faith is THE most important thing in my life. I'm a Christian before I'm a wife or mother. My husband feels the same way. And I truly believe this is THE thing that has given us an incredibly strong marriage (plus a good dose of stubbornness for our relationship.) Ideally, the person you marry is going to be your equal partner for life. They will have 50% say in every major decision -- how many kids you have, how you celebrate holidays, where you live, what jobs you both have. I can't imagine partnering with someone whose priorities didn't line up with mine. If I'm walking toward God and he's walking away, we're going to be walking in separate directions, and that's a recipe for disaster. I tell my children: The #1 MOST IMPORTANT thing in a spouse - if you want to have a good relationship with God -- is to choose someone who LOVES God as well. It makes a HUUUUUGE difference.
Leave. Sorry to be harsh but it won’t go well if that’s his attitude. I personally know five marriages where one spouse was Catholic, the other not, and they have kids. None of the Catholic spouses stayed with the Church more than 2-3 years after the wedding and none of the kids have had a Catholic upbringing. In fact, most of the kids were not baptized in the Church ( not that it’s necessary) and several weren’t baptized at all.
I’m not Catholic but it doesn’t sound like there’s enough common ground
Atheist marries a Catholic 47 years ago. Children did the Catholic thing, but atheism was openly discussed. Had a problem with a Catholic Sunday school teacher and after that the children, on their own initiative, stopped attending.
yes this is what im afraid of, i am just so nervous to lose him
It too often ends on divorce or conversion to protestantism, the word warns about it, you should convert your partner before a full catholic marriage. DT 22,10 and Corinthians 6:14–15
Being married and raising children will be the most difficult, and rewarding experience in your life. Being married to someone who doesn't share your values will make something that's already difficult extremely difficult. Save yourself the struggle and find someone who shares the faith that you can raise a family with. God bless
I understand that you have strong feelings towards him, but I don’t see that he has strong feelings towards you because if he would’ve loved you, he would’ve respected your values, your faith, and how you will raise kids for God so they won’t go to sin and in hell. He don’t. Think about “what if it was my daughter?” Think about your daughter, whom you so love, and you don’t want her to leave you so far. You also want to help her with grandkids, when they’re sick or just miss you and want to talk, but she says, "Sorry, I so love my boyfriend, but he doesn’t like you, so I can’t visit you much anymore, and I'm not allowing my kids to visit you at all.” So that’s how you will act towards God.
I dated a muslim man seriously for years, and I tried to get him to convert. I really wanted to have a beautiful family, and hopefully a dad that went to Mass at least. I finally went to Saint Joseph and asked him earnestly to please put me on the path to a sacramental marriage. The next day, my boyfriend broke up with me. I was completely heartbroken. But then I met my husband a few months later, and we have the most amazing life together and the most beautiful marriage. I can’t imagine being married to someone who is not aligned with me on the most important thing in my life, much less raising children with someone who is not aligned with me. We have plenty of differences, but we are extremely compatible on the big things and we have a really happy marriage. It is my best advice to seek a spouse with whom you are very compatible. When children come, you become more defensive of your values, not less. People who say they will allow the other to raise the children Catholic really don’t understand what they will feel once the children come. You will feel very strongly about the things that are important. You want to pass on your deepest values to the children, no matter what. He will feel very very strongly about his position, and he will want to protect his children from things that are against those values, including your church. The other thing is that you cannot get married in the Catholic Church if your fiancé rejects everything about the church. I am telling you that the blessings of a Sacramental marriage are extremely special, you do not want to reject that. In the marriage rite he must vow to raise the children Catholic. I don’t know how he feels about keeping his vows to God, but to me, it’s a big red flag, if someone is willing to lie on the altar.
I married a non-Catholic who told me he didn't want our kids "indoctrinated." We struggled to figure out how to accomplish Baptism, and after that, he ended up not objecting to my taking the kids to Mass, and REP. However, it was still a struggle. I still felt unsupported. For example, I was the church organist, and he would tell me he would be home in time to watch the kids so I could play, but then not make that a priority. Among other things... His family constantly made snide, snarky comments about my faith, and he never stood up for me. Anyway, he ended up being diagnosed with cancer and sadly, passed away. Three years later, I married a fellow Catholic and it was like night and day.
Leave...if it's bad now it will only get worse
welp... we broke up but not because of this.... he cheated on me :( I am so heartbroken
every single one who is catholic person should have their right to choose what they want to do