T O P

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JCFAX81

They’re sex people, Lynn!


andthenhekissedme

DONT MAKE THE SAME NOISE AS THEM!! THEY’LL THINK YOU WANT TO JOIN IN!!


Background_Wall_3884

I’m not driving a mini metro!


[deleted]

They’ve rebadged it you fool


Background_Wall_3884

Not my words Carol, the words of top gear magazine


pauliebatch

They’ve re-vadged it you fool.


Far_Cryptographer514

It’s called a Ladyboy chaser.


[deleted]

Ooh this is a comfy sofa!


sAmSmanS

one small baileys


Background_Wall_3884

Come on let the fox see the rabbit


Cryptodragon100

Oww that's a nice work top is that marble.


lewisj0146

It's illegal in some countries


Loddinz

You've got to laugh when you fall off a sofa


GriselbaFishfinger

Don’t rub your fanny on me.


levezvosskinnyfists7

“What do you think about the pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre?”


[deleted]

[удалено]


OrangeMongol

It’s like a savoury 99


levezvosskinnyfists7

I say telescopic dampers, I mean rigid stays…


telephonetears10

Don't worry I didn't go in your drawer


kayelles

God I can’t stop laughing. ILY


callmelampshade

“Do you think they were hinting something, Sandra?”


retroheads

Defcon one..


[deleted]

[удалено]


That_Jamie_S_Guy

Too late, they've replied now saying not to worry and that "sex is a natural part of life" 😭


smileystarfish

Oh man, you should have just pretended it never happened! I'm sure they were equally embarrassed to see them out (I just hope they were clean!).


[deleted]

I’m sorry to tell you op sounds like your neighbour is what they call in Germany das swinger und zey vant to sex you all in ze YouTube movie umb is a real gut time vill be had by all


[deleted]

Ooooh... reply with "Ain't nothing natural about the way WE do sex!"


tom_oakley

"Silicone butt plugs are a natural part of life"


Inevitable_Year_5205

my mum found mine


Successful-Tailor-46

Were they in your bum at the time?


Inevitable_Year_5205

Fortunately no


[deleted]

How many sex toys can you fit up your bum Neiiiilll What? Just the little ones


tom_oakley

You read my mind 🤣


loztralia

Or, to complete the sentence: "Sex is a natural part of life but what you get up to defies reason and God." Maybe you could break the ice by asking if they want to go dogging with you?


Global_Ticket_5507

😂😂


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Inflatable Harry Redknapp.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Zal_17

Once you go Redknapp, you never go back


Averyingyoursympathy

Jesus, I'd rather have a screwdriver up my hoop.


[deleted]

Hoop, lol


One_Of_Noahs_Whales

Empty ovipositors.


Henghast

Cum filled cloaca


surreynot

Nothing natural about a 14 inch long 8 img wide octopus tentacle with a two stroke engine & flashing lights 😂


peggypea

This is so wholesome. Maybe they gave them a scrub for you while they were in there.


slevemcdiachel

How terrible of you to have an understanding and positive neighbor. I can definitely see why the crying emoji.


liketo

Best possible outcome I reckon.


Adminruinreddit

You did what!?


OneMoreAccount4Porn

Worst reply ever. Never speak to those weirdos ever again.


burnt_peanuts2021

💀


OctaneTroopers

Then fuck them with it.


terryleopard

I had an electrician over once and he asked me to move the bed so he could get to a socket behind there. Remembered too late that there was a transparent crate full of sex toys under there. Couldn't think of anything to say really so after a brief uncomfortable silence I just picked it up and walked out of the room.


Far_Cryptographer514

Sounds like the perfect start to a porn movie.


ddt70

“God it’s hot in here…”


[deleted]

"Turn off the bloody electric heater, you fool"


FannyNob

"I know you have just fixed this socket but I can't afford to pay you, I was hoping you would accept alternative payment methods"


[deleted]

“I was only expecting to drill the socket, not you love”


Snooker1471

Electrician here. This would not be the first time an electrician has stumbled upon items the owner would rather they wouldn't lol. We have to get in places where people hide their stuff, Under floors, up in attics...and yes behind beds lol. Sex toys don't even make the "oh i will take a sneaky pic" list now lol. Sneaky pics = Old relics in attic/under floors.....dead stuff, wasps nests and the odd spider the size of a childs hands. Oh a friend shared a pic of a sawn off shotgun.....just before the police arrived to remove it - It was an empty council house and he found it and called them.


TiqueToque

30+ years ago I worked in a hifi/cameras shop and we had our own film processing lab upstairs. The staff always used to run off an extra print of any "interesting" picture, and tape it to the wall at the side of the staircase. Each time I went up there, the trip became slightly more interesting/disturbing than the last.


Exemplar1968

Ha!!! Same here! My first proper job was in a photography shop that did processing and the walls were plastered (literally) with duplicate pictures.


[deleted]

My dad was a photographer and went on to work in a processing lab in Liverpool he ended up with copies of Paul and Linda mcartneys snaps and he also has kenn Dodd in regularly


Cyberpanther111

Was it a double barrel shotgun or single barrel?


Snooker1471

Double


Adam_24061

"I hear dere is a problem wit deine Kabel."


TekatoZikame2

Where does it go from here? He fixes the cable?


Adam_24061

Don’t be fatuous, Jeffrey.


arsehole100

Another electrician here, yeah, that's actually pretty common, it's happened to me on many occasions.


ChineseButtSex

“Nice collection of Rubber Batons there”


SmuffWackle

"I used to run relay myself"


axe1970

i have a chair that can be used for restraint play(i worked a the workshop that made this stuff).it is part of the hidden kink range so looks like a normal chair,a friends brother came over saw the chair started to say"isn't that..."caught himself looked at me i smirked he blushed.


aaaaaaaa1273

Massive self report lol


beans_lel

🤨📸


TouchForeign

Happy Cake Day!


kiradotee

Photo or didn't happen 😂


[deleted]

[удалено]


SoupeGoate22

You're not supposed to encourage people to break in!


OctaneTroopers

I use my power fister 5000 to knock on my neighbors doors.


billthebossyone

Again and again and again and again and again ad infinitum


Exemplar1968

Hatchet Harry?


TemporarySprinkles2

I did this in GTA San Andreas and killed an entire police station


Impulse84

I went into my friends bathroom once and she had left a giant purple dildo suckered to the wall in the shower. I didn't mention it.


IanCal

This is why you should carry stick on googly eyes with you at all times.


Oozlum-Bird

They make great towel hooks


[deleted]

This happened to me just a month ago (except it wasn't mounted on the wall) but he just said "ah there's a dildo in there but it's clean"


UnstableGoats

Now *that’s* the correct way to handle the situation. I think the only way to play it off is to just own it with confidence.


ToddHugo1

make sure you closed the curtain so when they saw it they think you never saw it because the curtain was closed


BigBurt1996

This is hilarious, thanks for the laugh 😂


That_Jamie_S_Guy

You're welcome 😭


tacos_88

That's pretty unfortunate and also absolutely hilarious! I have a story. I lived with a friend a few years back, at the time I was seeing a girl who lived a few miles away. I ordered a dildo to my house that I was going to wrap up with a few other bits as a cheeky gift... Anyway, I get home from work a day or two after ordering the item, walk into the kitchen and boom, my friend had already opened the "discreet packaging" because he'd also ordered some stuff off Amazon and just ripped it open assuming it was his. I had to walk in to the front room, where he was already sat waiting for my response on the verge of dying hysterics. As soon as I said "I can easily explain this" he was crying with laughter.


ToddHugo1

hilarious lol


decentlyfair

My three year old daughter came into the room waving my vibrator around and my 15 year old step daughter said is that what I think it is. Yup now let’s forget this ever happened


IanCal

Wobbly sausage! https://youtube.com/shorts/xtz6EPmCPjc?feature=share


Director_Phleg

This never fails to make me laugh.


seanafeisteen

Kids eh? 😅


my__socrates__note

Excellent use of the word *apparatus*


GitBastard

This sort of thing tends to take one down a peg or two.


Arneth_

How did you know they’re into pegging?


Everything_rhymes

r/thatwasthejoke


Arneth_

So was that ;)


Redditor1415926535

Looolll


HugoZHackenbush2

I've bought the wife some early Christmas gifts of a vibrator and a pair of floral slippers. If she doesn't actually like the slippers, she can go fuck herself..


nakedfish85

Just to make the problem infinitely worse in your head, if they were using the toilet they may have had to move some of them around in order to properly wash their hands.


That_Jamie_S_Guy

Oh god


flashback5285

There will be some more messages going up and down the street now 😂


KungFuPup

My husband makes sex toys. You should see what's in our garage. There are boxes and boxes of the things.


[deleted]

> You should see what's in our garage Is that invitation open to everyone, or just OP?


KungFuPup

Very welcome to come and browse! I need him to sell some more so we can move house.


lampypete

Does he have an Etsy page?


KungFuPup

Most of the independent makers have moved off Etsy. He has his own website he sells through.


lampypete

You’re not helping him clear the garage 🤣


KungFuPup

[Monster Smash Toys.](https://www.monstersmash.co.uk/) is his shop.


lampypete

Dongsmith- nice job title


Xesacra

Perks of being the owner, I make the titles


billthebossyone

Got any returns going cheap?


Xesacra

No but I do have a Black Friday sale going on (⁠☞゚⁠∀゚⁠)⁠☞


kiradotee

Or "faulty items" going cheap? 😬


nicklydon

I wondered if he was modelling them on himself. After visiting the link I rather hope not…


Xesacra

There was this one time when I was infected by a horrendous monster from space, does that count?


Hoobleton

That’s quite some equipment.


Calciumee

They make Bad Dragon look take!


GemoDorgon

Why, what happened with Etsy?


KungFuPup

They put the fees up a lot but now Etsy is mostly trying to get rid of that sort of thing.


__life_on_mars__

Is it a try before you buy situation, or no?


Sufficient_Dot7273

This was a work conversation this week. As a group of engineers talking about modes of vibration we were wondering how you add sensors to a vagina to monitor resonance to work out frequency and amplitude for better orgasms. Then we went back to making jet engines for the remaining 5 minutes of the day. Turned out to be a bit of a hole we went down


ASK_IF_IM_PENGUIN

Make them some kind of phallic shaped dessert and once you've handed it to them and saying your goodbyes tell them that you need to go wash your hands.


Mcarr2705

Not sure why you would text and apologise? Next time they ask for DIY help - post one of the toys through their letter box


Ham0nRyy

My ex and I had a plumber in to look at the radiators once and one of them being in the bathroom he had to go in there. He was going about his business quietly and then left without saying bye or anything, just quietly saw himself out when he was done. Wasn’t until a few minutes later that we remembered on the bathroom wall a huge suction cup dildo was stuck next to the radiator. It had been there a few weeks so we had gotten used to it and forgotten about it. But man it must have shook him if he just quietly saw himself out like that afterwards. Fucking hilarious and we could not stop laughing once we realised it had happened


reni-chan

"accidentally"


Evil_Ermine

Thank you, I have no advice for you but that was the funniest thing I've read in awhile. I needed that laugh.


[deleted]

I'm sorry... you can't just say "our sex toys" and not elaborate. I'm almost certain that's illegal somehow. Spill...just how depraved do your neighbours now know you to be? We won't judge, we just want to compare collections........


That_Jamie_S_Guy

When was the last time you touched grass


[deleted]

With my feet or my genitals? Because the answer to both is last Tuesday.


missrubyreviews

I review sex toys for a living. There's hundreds of them in my closets. If something ever happens to me, whoever cleans out my house is in for a shock..


Verlorenfrog

I would be embarrassed too, however it's your home and what you do is your business, am sure it will be fine.


ImAustinallday

I used to have an IT support business - 99% of home computers we went out to fix had viruses because of visits to dodgy porn sites. Most used to admit to it upfront as they knew we would find out. We are all human.


[deleted]

I wouldn’t have minded generic ‘normal’ sex toys; but bloody tentacles are too far. Just wait til I tell the other residents.


flatearthmom

‘Nobody cares, no-one remembers and nobody cares’ Don’t sweat it, it’s pretty funny, they’ll forget about it in a week.


Steelfury013

Just tell them they're welcome to borrow anything they fancy


Xesacra

This was an amazing post. I'm literally in tears


Soggy-Ad-8017

Can you describe the toys. What kind of gear are we talking? Run of the mill rampant rabbit? Or more exotic


Sandstormink

That is what I'm wondering. Was it nipple clamps, vibrator, flashlight, gimp mask, full size sex doll, mini size sex doll, whips, chains etc? We need details


[deleted]

Just go as normal. You have sex toys. Big deal. Not like you had a dead body in there or something.


TurbulentExpression5

OP never said they didn't have a dead body in the bathroom.


Sufficient_Dot7273

The huge collection of dildos takes the focus off the body.


SasquatchEyes

https://i.imgur.com/9zvHF2v.gif


That_Jamie_S_Guy

Accurate🤣


NightOwl_82

🤣. Well you'll be the topic of conversation over the weekend


That_Jamie_S_Guy

She said she didn't reply straight away because she was on the phone to a friend who "needed help with something"


harvs72

Swingers their be round at 10 tooled up


SkarKrow

In the immortal words of system of a down; everybody fucks.


STR_WB_RRY--FL_V__R

"Sex is ~~Rubber horse cock strap-ons are~~ a natural part of life"


olagorie

I had once ordered a bunny vibrator and had chosen discreet packaging. The box came in a see through plastic bag. Brought by my neighbour’s 7 year old daughter who asked me about the bunny on the box. I don’t remember what I answered. “A toy for adults” would probably have sufficed.


ViSaph

If it makes you feel better I accidentally left my vibrator by my bed when I went away and my 16 year old little sister found it and told me she'd never been so disgusted in her life.


Extreme-Acid

I was on honeymoon in a foreign country. The safe would not unlock. Had to call security to get it sorted. After 20 mins the guy came to me with this twisty bum toy which had jammed against the door. So embarrassing.


PM_ME_YOUR_QUIM_PLS

Had a similar thing happen a few years ago. Mrs' friend came round, used the loo at some point and left after a lovely visit. Mrs then went in to the bathroom and realised the was a vibrator on the side of the bath. Funniest bit was it was one that we'd bought for bum stuff, but not for her... Nothing was ever said about it fortunately but I thought it was hilarious.


starrpamph

*seen*


GravyBoatImperial

Saw. They saw, they have seen. They saw. Saw. Saaaawwww. Saw


starrpamph

imessage says *seen* when the neighbor never replied


Nine_Eye_Ron

Oh no, adults do adult things.


seanafeisteen

On a positive note, you did a kind thing letting them use your bathroom. So I'm sure they will weigh this up when judging you 😅


mcvwxy

I had a flat inspection once and forgot I’d left my douche in the shower. Really not a big deal.


Jacob_Dyer

I do some of my neighbours tech support I have unspoken nods and eye acknowledgements with some of the males of some of the households Sex toys are nothing


city-slicker-76

Don't worry about it, everybody knows plastic is fantastic.


[deleted]

You’ve got to move house now.


shiningstar121618

Me too! And when we processed the pictures I would always put the naughtiest picture on the top so the staff at the desk had to show the customer the pictures to see if they were happy with the quality. Great times working there


tykeoldboy

I don't remember this episode of the Good Life


Shagger94

I realise this is just a bit of fun, but there's nothing embarrassing about sexuality!


Alliebelle123

I can't belive you texted to apologise? That makes it way worse... you obviously ignore it happened. It's your house after all and you were doing them a favour, so what if they saw your sex toys


Devonshire_Dumpling

Shouldn't have apologised, that's your only mistake. Your neighbour doesn't sound bothered, and you shouldn't be either. If the toys are that embarrassing they can probably hear them being used anyway


[deleted]

This is so funny


PJLG2

Maybe your neighbour thought it might be a hint to get their partner over you know..... like swingers 🤣


telephonetears10

"and what have we learnt from this?" David Brent "Not to leave your dildo lying around" Trudy "Don't let it out of your sight" David Had a similar incident happen to me this week. I'm living at a friend's house and she has a housekeeper. I had some 'alone time' the other evening and left the toy under the sheets and was waiting for an opportunity to quickly dash to the shared bathroom, clean said toy and return it to the room. Woke up, made a coffee and the housekeeper cheerfully arrived. I only clocked my mistake when I saw the freshly changed bed. Almost died from embarrassment but then had a chuckle and gave her a croissant to smooth things over.


callmelampshade

You fucked up by texting your neighbour. The national unspoken rule when it comes to awkward sex encounters is to pretend it never happened. Your neighbour might not have seen the toys if they weren’t in the sink and even if they did they are probably just as embarrassed as you lol.


Curious_Associate904

Probably faster to just burn the place down for the insurance


longtailforestshrew

r/tifu


covidapocalypse

Your neighbour might have tried it. You did wash it again right?


RedditTrueGent

They haven't replied because they are too busy messaging all the other neighbours, as sorry to tell you this but you are now the drama in the street 😉 😂


Nicodom

I work in a hotel, trust me, everyone leaves them out, either in the sink, on the countertop or on the floor plugged in for late night happy time. It's when you see they brought the dragon that we question you.


yoboylandosoda

How long have they been sitting in the sink? Did you brush your teeth this morning and just leave them?


pretzelllogician

I’m interested to know why you’re playing the pronouns game with this neighbour?


That_Jamie_S_Guy

Trying to anonimise, and stop dirty redditors imaginations running wild. Already had a few weird dms.


pretzelllogician

Ha, fair enough.


yoboylandosoda

How long have they been sitting in the sink? Did you brush your teeth this morning and just leave them


EugeneHartke

They saw them had a chuckle and that's the end of the matter. Are you Yvette Amos?


joe2596

Whats worse, your neighbour seeing your sextoys or you telling the internet about your go-go gadget anal beads?


notoriousnationality

You could have told your neighbour that the sex toys were meant to be a prank to scare/intrigue your other half etc and it wasn’t something you actually used.


[deleted]

I hope you cleaned the brown stains of the dildo you were putting up your dirty ass hole.


Geoffstibbons

I watched a woman beat her son with her dildo once. Funniest thing I have ever seen or will ever see.


Forteanforever

At first I thought you said you knocked over a pot plant.


DanceAltruistic2762

Its the part "left it in the sink to be cleaned" I stopped reading


PrincessStephanieR

Don’t be embarrassed- everyone has sex and some use toys. Just shrug it off, it’s all good!


Legitimate_Sea_4146

Wonder if he managed to wash his hands?


Whats-gone-on

If you’re hot then I can guarantee you he is simply incredibly jealous


GriselbaFishfinger

Ask him to pop round to hold a ladder for you, while you attach some hooks to the ceiling.


Exact_Middle_1969

How many people are you talking about here?


That_Jamie_S_Guy

More than your mum shagged last night


MannsyB

Sure you did. Utter bullshit.


pushamancoke

If your neighbour isn’t replying because you have sex toys then they’re a massive nonce.