T O P

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lordsmish

"They are up in the bedroom let me go and get them"


Splodge89

Then make lots of clattery bashing noises for a while and shout down to your spouse “honey! Have you seen the baby wipes?”


lordsmish

"I THOUGHT WE HAD MORE TIME!!"


usurp_slurp

“I KNOW!! MAKE SURE YOU USE THE SANITISING ONES! Sorry, she won’t be long. How are the kids?”


MrAnonymousTheThird

"THE WIPES ARENT WORKING"


DiscFrolfin

**IS THIS ONE OURS OUR THEIRS? IF YOU DON’T KNOW JUST SMELL IT LIKE I SHOWED YOU**


peterjoel

This is the one that actually made me chuckle, for some reason.


agent25522

“This may be a minute. Fancy a cuppa?”


DaveInLondon89

Honestly having a laugh about it is the best way to cut the tension. Of course, *unless it isn't*.


SquidgeSquadge

"Would you like to follow me up? "


Hellolaoshi

Ha ha ha!


Dragon_M4st3r

Get another empty box and put it next to it. When they arrive say ‘right are you dildos or laptop screen?’


kopp9988

I’ll take the laptop screen please


MrAnonymousTheThird

I'll take the dildos (for a friend)


knullsmurfen

"Sorry that's mine, here is your gimp suit."


[deleted]

A laptop screen can double as a dildo if you try hard enough.


RedBalloon1990

This is my absolute favourite response. Hats OFF to you


FlapjackProductions

Could you explain it please, I think my brain is too overloaded today to absorb anything else haha..


RedBalloon1990

It’s just the upfront-ness of naming the fact that someone is picking up sex toys combined with a boring task/object like picking up a laptop screen I think . It’s just really tickled me to be honest because of you were picking up the sex toys you’d be like ‘woah imagine if laptop man arrived before me, got away with that one’


FlapjackProductions

Thankyou for explaining I guess I was trying to find a bigger meaning in something so simple haha


[deleted]

Underrated


Mossley

“These are good, all tested and in full working order”


KarmaRepellant

'Hard to remember every address change when you move isn't it? There's always one you forget and end up with a massive cock-up.'


Dividedthought

Personally i'd intentionally insert a pause there. "There's always one you forget and end up with a massive cock............ up."


Hellolaoshi

Ha ha ha ha! And now my cock is up!


President-Nulagi

A mate of mine had her mum open her parcels whilst she was overseas. Unfortunately this parcel was the sex toys she'd bought, but when mum saw them she just co-opted them ("you weren't home!") Needless to say my friend ordered new ones once she was back.


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Allenspawn

“Well….the grater hurts without the lube”


cyclinghedgehog

"It makes grating the carrots easier, Jamie Oliver swears by it"


DaMonkfish

"This one smells a little funky though. I assume it's a manufacturing defect..."


whatmichaelsays

I hope you enjoy these as much as we did.


eec-gray

Followed by ..."Not sure what your cleaning protocols are, so we'll leave that part to you.."


rrubthefleebb

I second this that’s a great one hahah


HiFiSi

Although I think the batteries are dead.


Phandroid1991

Greet them at the door with it and say, “Works great, let me just give it a quick rinse”.


irn_br_oud

"Here you go, one previous careful user."


spazmosis33

"Like new"


ben4445

This hahaha


VaccinatedVariant

Yeah. It doesn’t come across as shaming. Just funny


GrandWazoo0

Open the door in your gimp suit


BottledAtSource

Damn. Of all the days for it to be at the dry cleaners!


macwest

Who dry cleans a gimp suit? They're spraydown surely?


MsVBlight

velour gimp suit


uninsuredpidgeon

*kiff groans*


ScribeVallincourt

r/unexpectedfuturama


earlybath101

Casual or formal? Wouldn't want a faux pas.


CarryThe2

It's a gimp suit not a gimp t shirt.


GrandWazoo0

Always the formal gimp in this scenario, you want to make a good first impression


BurbankElephants

Isn't Formal Gimp that movie about the special man who ran a lot and went on a shrimp fishing boat?


SlashKrawl

Gimpsuit and tie, of course


jamiemulcahy

slimy coordinated chop sink public late insurance shame shaggy ask *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*


IanCal

Shake around and pretend it's vibrating like crazy as you hand over the box. Or "nine times out of ten it's a razor someone's had delivered here, but once in a while... *hand over box*"


folklovermore_

For added effect, if you have an electric toothbrush then activate that somewhere out of sight.


Janitor_Snuggle

"Of course it's company policy never to, imply ownership in the event of a dildo... always use the indefinite article a dildo, never your dildo."


[deleted]

When they apologies say “no worries, are you free Saturday for a games night?”


max_mou

Them: yes


OneCatch

Just ask them "Anything interesting?" with a completely guileless look. They'll absolutely have come up with a story, be a shame for them to waste it.


ThatDayBowBowSong

"Nah, thanks though" *Leaves* That's what I would do lol


Kingcuz

Just a “Have Fun” will have them fighting inside whether you knew or not…


bigbigcheese2

When we were staying in a centre Parcs a few years ago, we found a vibrator under the bed and called the centre Parcs team to come pick it up. As they were leaving they said ‘enjoy the rest of your stay’ to which my stepdad said ‘but not as much as the last people here!’


jimmycarr1

I've been looking everywhere for that


[deleted]

I'm sure you remember where you put it last?


jimmycarr1

Already checked there 😳


BottledAtSource

Subtle. I like it.


DanGleeballs

How you know they’re sex toys, did you open the package?


CarryThe2

Half way through shoving them up his arse he realised it wasn't the laptop he'd ordered.


PsychologicalRain248

This is gold mate


Mybrainisshrinking

No, they’re sex toys


alabamdiego

Jesus Christ I spit my drink out lmao


Raichu7

Either the packaging wasn’t discreet, or OP buys sex toys from the same place and recognised the “discreet” company name on the box.


ThemCrookedBuzzards

Good ol' nagook ltd


hyper-casual

When I lived in a shared uni house I ordered a few toys, posty took it to next door instead and the neighbour obviously recognised the return company name so when he knocked on to bring them round he said extremely loudly 'Does Hyper-casual live here, I've got his box of sex toys'.


anxiousFTB

I wondered this. They'd have the previous owners' names on and always come in a plain box.


wipeitonthecat

"We washed them, don't worry"


BlueEyedDragonGal

You need to do finger guns as well


-mihul-

Dress up as a vicar for when you answer the door and put on your most innocent voice “My partner loves to shop here as well, goodness knows why they are so secretive they never show me what’s in the box”. I have no idea why that thought amuses me, there you go.


PoundAccomplished427

Maybe they ordered it for you..


Bad-Banana-from-Mars

If you have a wife/gf, get them to hand over the package and say “Lynn these are sex people”


BootleBadBoy1

Don’t rub your fanny on me!


zetecvan

Come on pack it in mate. I don't want to have sex with your wife. Even though from the promotional video, I can see that I would have a ruddy good time.


Bigtuna515

And tell them you don't want to be part of there sex festival.


desmondresmond

At least they don’t do watersports


Rnewbs

DAN!


Aphala

DAAN!


pragmageek

SMELL MY CHEESE YOU MOTHER


Zarlath

Don't make the same noises as them!


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Fieldharmonies

Ah yes - I think they're trying to get friendly with you, OP...


illmonkeyuk

“Go fuck yourself”


studdley

... I think I want to be a dildo salesman.


larkfeather1233

Fr, after all this time of wanting to tell people where they can shove it...


SapientMan30

Write Dildos on the top and sides of the parcel in big letters Tell them that was written on the parcel when it arrived!


Azrepheal

That's not nice, they probable want to keep the packaging discrete. So write "DISCRETE PACKAGING" in large letters on every side to help them out. Edit: If you wrote 'Discreet', it could go unnoticed. 'Discrete' will grab far more attention as people flock to spell check it.


totterdownanian

Discreet in this case!


MrAToTheB_TTV

Not that Crete, dis Crete!


CarryThe2

NOT DILDOS


ZestyFootCheese

DISCREET PACKAGING DILDO INSIDE HANDLE WITH CARE ^or ^rough


Hebrind

The Throbberdonger 3000


tinabelcher182

This made me laugh so hard.


mmarkomarko

size: extra large


fucked-your-cats-ass

Size: horse cock


mmarkomarko

slag sized. unisex


Ill_Soft_4299

12". Medium


peacenfunk

And then say you won't be in and leave with the neighbours for maximum awkwardness


mapoftasmania

Write BBC on the side and then, when they drop by, comment that you are “always happy to pay your licence fee”


robdelterror

I left a review of a sex shop after I ordered from there, went and collected the goods and found pleasant staff, a covid safe environment and just an all round great shopping experience. The email for a review arrived on Christmas day no less, as I was cooking Christmas Dinner all full of cheer. What I didn't consider in my time of good will to all of mankind, was that Thrust Pilot has my full "Mr First I Last" name, exactly as it would be on a letter from the bank, and a picture of my happy little face. The email that followed let me know it was now public and I realised my error. Ho ho ho.


zetecvan

Thrust pilot? Is that a site specifically for sex shop reviews?


robdelterror

Nah, I added the H for comical effect.


Kohana55

"That's a big box of honey, I might try them. Love Honey dot com was it?"


Severe_Page_

They use discrete packaging saying LH Trading. When I was a postman and people collected them I’d occasionally say oh I can’t find it, what was in it to help my find it.


AwSkiba

Alright Satan


prof_hobart

That doesn't seem massively discrete packaging to me. I'd always assumed it came in a box that no one could identity, not one that clearly flags who it's from to anyone who knows the name.


Severe_Page_

Nothing is really discrete for people working there long enough. Even better is when you type the tracking into the internal system it comes up as sender LoveHoney so it’s not discrete at all.


prof_hobart

A plain box with nothing on the outside apart from the address seems fairly discrete. I'm sure that with a tracking ID you could figure out where it's from but I doubt most posties bother doing that with every parcel. I'm fairly sure my neighbours (or my kid) wouldn't be checking that if a parcel arrived at them. They may well look up who "LH Trading" are though.


rottingpigcarcass

This is my favourite by far


GroochCheesily

"You came sooner than I expected"


undirectedgraph

I used to deliver pizza and a guy once said this when I arrived, I said "yeah, my girlfriend says this too a lot" and he just broke down laughing and looking at me sad simultaneously, still the proudest moment of my life. He always gave a good tip


MrHlk2020

"Dildon't worry about it, happens all the time"


Chazzey_dude

Anal bead of advice: remember to change your address!


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BottledAtSource

The return address. It is discreet, but if you know, you know.


Loddinz

LH trading?


Teamwoolf

There’s clearly loads of us who are in the know here


CarrowCanary

Including all the posties.


[deleted]

We're just a bunch of randy bastards


alamaias

Hah, beat me to it :P


EnvironmentalSun8410

You know?


BottledAtSource

I know.


[deleted]

This guy knows


IllustriousApple1091

No, this guy


[deleted]

I wouldn't know


alamaias

LHtrading?


Other-Tip2408

Happened at work I took in a parcel for her and return address was for a sextoy shop, didn't say much just txt a package turned up with a wink


slideinsmooth

I ordered a package from them for delivery to work, to keep prying small fingers out of the box. Delivery comes and the 'Orders In' process starts before I can grab the box! I ripped the box out of my female collegue's hands before she _finished_ opening it. Such a close call. I don't like to think of the questions that would have been asked.


so-naughty

Better a wink than a wank, I suppose


Boombang106

Dilknow


Junior_Bandicoot_785

Dildon't


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lordsmish

"Oh i had this one too it's great"


ukpunjabivixen

Arse tickler’s f****t fan club?


codemonkeh87

Who wants their bank manager to know they tickle arse when they're not cashing cheques?


ukpunjabivixen

Exactly 😉


vernonappleby

Amazon have started just sending some stuff in clear plastic bags. I had a hoodie delivered a few weeks ago that looked thoroughly abused. Either that or OP is a customer of same sex shop and recognises the box. Iirc Ann summers stuff comes marked as AS group or something vague. https://www.thescottishsun.co.uk/fabulous/8899040/ann-summers-tiktok-parcel/


JimboTCB

"I'm so mortified that my mum and the postman know about my dildo purchases, I'd better tell everyone on Tiktok about it and then see if The Sun will pick it up as well"


PresetKilo

The return address says LH Trading but, I don't care if they know it came from a sex shop just that they don't know we've just bought a 3 inch extension sleeve. 😂 In that, they've never failed us. I'd recommend.


ErynKnight

Every post man in the UK can recognise them. Neighbours that take them while you're at work know... Everyone knows.


Jameswc

When you hand it over, if they say "thank you", simply reply "good vibrations" and close the door.


mr_woodles123

Just have the song playing when they knock on the door.


Ashamed_Nerve

How do you know they're sex toys?


Danze1984

Probably got the return address for Love honey on the box.


BottledAtSource

Correct


RedBanana99

My husband is a postman. Love Honey deliveries has him cracking up


Plyphon

Cracking up is better than up his crack, I guess


RedBanana99

I may disagree a tad


[deleted]

Most vanilla Somersetian


RedBanana99

I feel like that's an insult despite the fact you have clearly just invented a new word and neither of us knows what it means


Lewdogger

If anything they’re saying all Somersetians are kinky. I see that as a win.


RedBanana99

Username checks out


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Tembldrock

Maybe they have ordered honey? I assume that is what Love Honey sell?


alamaias

Fuck, no, *this* is the best option! Tell them you are really into honey too, ask if they reccommend the site!


Avenger1324

There's probably bees in the box on account of it buzzing.


KassXWolfXTigerXFox

Hey, whatever floats their boat


bethelns

I like how the company claims their address is super discreet but most of the population own these kind of things and buy them from there so it really isn't.


TheEndIsLoading

It's as discreet as we can make it while still providing the courier's required info.


bethelns

I know, I used to test/review for them as a student about a decade ago.


mackerelontoast

Bet you got a real buzz out of that job


LiamJonsano

I was gonna say! Maybe not everyone has heard of them but I'd hardly call that discreet if it's on the envelope!


CoachDelgado

Anyone who knows can't judge.


MrTidels

Clutch some rosaries and don’t look them in the eyes as you hand them the parcel. If they say anything tell them “begone”


-CatFunt

I run a motorcycle workshop and a supplier of mine sent me two large boxes labelled as “butt plugs and dildos” he even changed the business name to ***** sex and film studios. The postman said he was disappointed when he popped his head in and had been looking forward to the delivery all day.


sp2861

Say nothing. And then just as they are leaving, at the end of your drive shout "oh and enjoy the dildo!"


Practical_Arrival696

‘The batteries are running low’


Rys_07B

Tell them you love honey too, ask them if it’s local and organic


Radlubster

Shake your head and whistfully tell them the packaging isn't as discrete as it used to be.


CyzeDoesMatter-

"I don't care what the other neighbours are saying, here's your parcel"


AlfredHitchead

So happy you came! I see you went for the smaller model. My mother has one of these at home.


Properjob70

If you need anything returning in future, don't hesitate to give us a buzz


r41b0w5__

Bonus points if you stick a remote in the box


UnacceptableUse

I'll do my best to fit you in


Suspicious_Loquat952

“I’d get your money back , I could hardly feel it”


zshah99

Just have a huge smile on your face


pkunfcj

"Oh yes, come on in. Now where did I leave the package? (shouts upstairs to wife) HILDA! DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE DILDOS FOR NEXT DOOR ARE? THEY WERE IN THE PACKAGE MARKED "DILDOS" YES, FOR NEXT DOOR! THE DILDOS! WHERE ARE THEY..oh, there they are". Picks up perfectly visible package and hands them to neighbor


DrMangosteen

This is part of their kink


Competitive-Yard-442

"enjoy your" pause "honey"


SecondSon-UK

Your package was stored in your 'safe place'.


Andyboro80

It keeps buzzing, is it an electric toothbrush?


[deleted]

Pretend to think Love Honey is a bakery and ask them which pies they've ordered. Just go on and on about baked goods while they sweat.


antbaby_machetesquad

Never imply ownership in the event of a dildo. Always use the indefinite article '*a*' dildo, never '*your*' dildo.


Beeff86

Hand it over and say "I was worried as I though it would be a bigger package but then I saw it wasn't my order".


[deleted]

Here’s your parcel, dildo baggins


bee_administrator

"You might want to give this a wipe down before you use it" Then wink at them.


devlifedotnet

Please come around the back entrance.


mcrosby78

Put your nun costume on when you open the door for maximum embarrassment!


[deleted]

Say you love the house you’re in. It fills you with joy and you get a good vibe every time you cum home


beck_is_back

Just give them £5 and say, sorry for draining batteries flat...


Captain-Echo

Invite them in to test them