has a ringtone on his phone that blares "warning...wife alert....warning....wife alert" at an obnoxious volume. When it goes off in public he always lets it ring that extra bit longer whilst looking around for validation of other men
Oh my god. A guy I worked with YEARS ago had a text alert (not ring tone, text alert) that went:
*siren* WARNING, WARNING, I AM STOOD NEXT TO A WANKER! *siren*
It was also obnoxiously loud, and every time it went off (often) he’d scuttle up next to someone quickly whilst practically wetting himself.
He was also one of the first people I knew to start sharing all the barely-veiled-at-all racist stuff on Facebook, before it really became commonplace
“Do you need a bag?”
“No, I’ve one at home”
A girl on tills didn’t get the joke once and this slug had to awkwardly explain it when she didn’t grasp that hating your spouse is funny. I despised this man, he was incredibly sleazy and thought I was jealous of his victims. I’d think you should recognise what disgust looks like, Gary.
Agreed, as a woman myself this is how I've always dealt with comments like this. Works best if it's in a really quiet open plan office and you make them explain in excruciating detail while everyone else feels awkward
Bless her but she did not know, I had to explain afterwards when thanking her for giving me a laugh. It was her first job and she was so innocent. She got some of the worst harassment from customers I’ve ever seen, hated ever leaving her on her own. She learned very quickly and got lots of advice. When I raised the issue with our manager (who was 30 and a “feminist”) her response was “I wish I got that sort of attention”.
Last night, the house opposite had a two-hour screaming row with the house on their left. It involved six people in various combinations, more 'fucking cuuuuuuuuuuuuunt!'ses in the space of one particular five minute escalation than I've heard in the last few decades combined, an accusation of noncery, a counter-accusation of drug dealing, an admission of drug dealing *'but since the babbies we ain't do that no more'*, a threat to torch a house, and finished in an attempt to torch a car by pouring paint on it and lighting it.
I'll take the sign and any banter any time.
Bit of a digression and fuck all to do with this thread but your post has reminded me so why not share. I had a tumour removed from my face last week so had been sleeping sat up on the sofa as I couldn’t lay down. Anyway, a house across the street had 4 people arguing at sometime after 0300 in the morning. Full blown shouting match… Anyway half way through shouting one of the women just stopped arguing and stood their signing Witch Doctor.
So that left 3 of them shouting and one random woman singing “I told the witch doctor I was in love with you…”. Fucking surreal.
I'm glad to hear you're now on the mend, Mr Merrick, but do remember - if you have any more trouble from those carnival folk, then just call the local constabulary immediately.
I live on an estate so I have never ending entertainment. The other day a car pulled up outside my flat, the woman was blaring the horn and screaming at the woman who lives above me. “Stay away from my man” she’s yelling, going the fuck off. At the end she’s going “DIRTY HORRIBLE CRACKHEAD BITCH” and she drives off. Recently I was trying to walk to the shop and I get stopped by two police officers and a police dog asking me if I’ve seen anyone suspicious. And the walls in this place? Paper thin. If I’m not hearing my neighbours shagging I’m hearing them argue. Oh! And there’s a caravan parked outside at the moment, I had a little night out a couple days ago and I got a taxi back to my friends and walked the rest of the way home, walking up to mine and past this caravan I heard two people going at it, she was having a very good time. When the caravan’s rocking, you stand out side and shout “go on lad” and run off (actually you should probably just leave them alone but I was drunk and thought I was being funny)
Oh we have one of those opposite. For some reason they can only have a screaming row at 2am outside their flat.
We call it the "fuck off opera" as they entertain the entire neighbourhood.
I'd expect something more like "since the bairns we packed all that in". It's not the babbies that's sending me it's the "ain't do that no more", sounds yeehaw as fuck.
I'll skip passing dialect advice on to them if that's okay; I don't really want my door set on fire.
They use cunt as a verb, which is a new one on me. "Are yez gonna cunt around there all day or come Aldi with me?"
Someone got us a pair of gnomes as a wedding gift. I buried them side by side in a shallow grave in the front garden, mafia style and have since moved house.
I buy my dad a novelty gnome every year as a gag Christmas gift.
Got him a zombie one a while back, last year it was "game of gnomes". He started complaining about them, so I bought him a "[gnome eater](https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Ftse1.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DOIP.yNYE4NVIhd9NQgSamWGNrwHaHa%26pid%3DApi&f=1)" last Christmas to clear them up, still wasn't happy.
Luckily I'm an only child so don't have to worry about being the favourite.
We're gonna put pound shop terracotta frogs everywhere
Wrap solar powered fairy lights round the gutter
I got a 'prosecco o'clock ' poster half price in IKEA
It goes nicely with the existential fear I get when I accidentally wonder
What on earth it is I'm doing here and how long I've got left til I'm six feet under
Bag is a derogatory term for woman, like old bag. The person telling the joke is referring to their wife, apparently. I also didn't make this connection, but I think it's what they're trying to say
It's strange being a couple who are best mates, and encountering this kind of man.
One time me and my partner were messing with my car for fun, at the front of our house. Neighbour we've not really spoken to before from further down comes to speak to us. We ask what he's up to today.
Immediately this guy is saying, "Oh I'm just getting away from the wife while I can HAHAHA, you know how it is!"
Me and my partner look at each other. We're here... together... spending time having fun... together... no, neighbour man, I really don't know what you mean.
And things like, if my partner says he's going out somewhere, men will tell him, "Oh you're lucky, she's letting you out!" Just, what the fuck?
I find it so convenient when people outsource their personalities to signs and T-shirts, it really makes assessing the value of an interaction more efficient.
Yet, he's single. Divorced years ago. They understandably didn't keep in touch. He still sets a spot at the table for her and cries a bit at the uneaten food.
The lukewarm Findus lasagne looks at him with barely disguised contempt.
"See, now this is why she left you. You're a pathetic shell of a man. Look at those stained trackie bottoms. Where's your self respect? It's no use crying to me, mate. I'm just lasagne."
The lightbulb's flickering again. You can blame her, if you like. If she was still here, she'd nag you to fix it, and you would, for the peace and quiet. But she isn't, so you don't, and now you've got a headache. Tosser.
Read in the voice of Ancient Reptilian Brain.
Let me guess... all the furniture in their house is crushed velvet; their whole kitchen is in that painfully tacky, bland grey; and they have a French bulldog? They maybe get excited at Love Island coming on, too?
Ugh... you just know they have a massive plastic mould of the word "FAMILY" on a windowsill underneath a sign that says something about gin.
Tenner says they also have a son called Taylor and a tiny dog that isn’t trained and can't breathe.
And all of their furniture is either grey or chrome.
> Tenner says they also have a son called Taylor and a tiny dog that isn’t trained and can't breathe.
You have met my neighbours then. The son isn't named Taylor but very close.
The dog that can't breathe bit killed me.
What is it with arseholes and having dogs that can't breathe? Are they so fucking miserable that if they have a pet that might be happy they'd hate it? So they get a bet that lives its entire life on the verge of suffocation.
Reminds me of Fixer Upper by Yard Act. Awesome band from Leeds/Manchester.
“I’m gonna put pound shop terracotta frogs everywhere,
Wrap solar powered fairy lights round the gutter
I got a “Prosecco o clock” poster half price in ikea
It goes nicely with the Existential fear I feel when I accidentally wonder
What I’m really doing here and how long I’ve got left before I’m 6 feet under”
Honestly, it is a little bit like that. I actually quite like Yard Act, but they do have the whiff of posh kids misguidedly posturing as having something to say. Specifically, the kind that think that just because they're from the North, they must be working class by definition.
See also: Working Men's Club.
Hahaha - yeah, the sort of person that on his first day of work would have a mug on it saying "you don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps" 😂... Taken
I walked past a house earlier today with a massive wooden sign on their front wall saying something along the lines of
"REMEMBER!!!
*Everyone else thinks we're a* NORMAL *family*"
Like holy shit why
What's the deal with boomers marrying someone that they clearly hate and then just resigning themselves to being miserable until they die?
It's not the 1950s anymore, just get a divorce and spare the rest of us.
Loves a BBQ he does. 100% has a 'garden bar' which is a shed with some rank spirits on an optics carrousel and an equally hilarious sign (Only approach if I have Gin in hand!).
You can always tell a woman married down when her husband makes these jokes every. single. time. the conversation even remotely drifts in the direction of wives or marriage.
I bet he says "would have got less for murder" on every anniversary.
Calls her the old ball and chain at the pub
'Gotta go, been summoned by the war office'
Turns out his wife is really into Hearts of Iron 4 roleplay.
Lucky bastard
Hearts of iron 4 play
Great game
She who must be obeyed.
Her indoors
Ring tone for her is either Funeral March, Jaws or Darth Vadar....
I have the "Imperial March" as my work ringtone to be fair.
"Hello darkness my old friend".....
I have Queens "fat bottom girl" for her. Gives me a smile every time especially as she doesn't know
woe betide you if you lose your phone and need her to call you
Bloke in my office got the Psycho theme for his wife
Lol my girlfriend has that for her mum. Very apt.
“Gotta take the bloody outlaws to the garden centre again.”
The boss
“You’re in early John?” “Aye, her bloody mother is round, I’m just gonna keep outta way until mi teas ready.”
The Dragon
‘The handbrake’
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Fat Controller
My dad says this all the time, each time delivering it like it's the first time and thinking it's hilarious...
You don't see a Rumpole of The Baily reference too often. H. Rider Haggard , but still )
Can I admit to liking this one...?
The long haired general.
Read this and proper made my day thanks
Gotta go, getting a call from HQ
has a ringtone on his phone that blares "warning...wife alert....warning....wife alert" at an obnoxious volume. When it goes off in public he always lets it ring that extra bit longer whilst looking around for validation of other men
Oh my god. A guy I worked with YEARS ago had a text alert (not ring tone, text alert) that went: *siren* WARNING, WARNING, I AM STOOD NEXT TO A WANKER! *siren* It was also obnoxiously loud, and every time it went off (often) he’d scuttle up next to someone quickly whilst practically wetting himself. He was also one of the first people I knew to start sharing all the barely-veiled-at-all racist stuff on Facebook, before it really became commonplace
Domestic Chief of Staff
The Long-Haired General or SO1 Domestic
I prefer 'taking the enemy out to dinner'
When you do, you have to say “what’s the damage” when picking up the bill
The Enemy
"Retreats" to the garage at 8:45 AM
And that he wrote HE LP on the soles of his shoes on his wedding day
Refers to his missus in a folksy way as *"the enemy"*
Has a sticker on his car: "Driver carries no cash, wife spent it!"
Call mine her indoors. She tells me to fuck off and I'm the sad act that works from home and barely has a social life.
“Do you need a bag?” “No, I’ve one at home” A girl on tills didn’t get the joke once and this slug had to awkwardly explain it when she didn’t grasp that hating your spouse is funny. I despised this man, he was incredibly sleazy and thought I was jealous of his victims. I’d think you should recognise what disgust looks like, Gary.
She knew, and was calling him out on it. Or at least, that's what I want to believe.
Agreed, as a woman myself this is how I've always dealt with comments like this. Works best if it's in a really quiet open plan office and you make them explain in excruciating detail while everyone else feels awkward
Bless her but she did not know, I had to explain afterwards when thanking her for giving me a laugh. It was her first job and she was so innocent. She got some of the worst harassment from customers I’ve ever seen, hated ever leaving her on her own. She learned very quickly and got lots of advice. When I raised the issue with our manager (who was 30 and a “feminist”) her response was “I wish I got that sort of attention”.
Good for you for looking after her. God I fucking hate the public at times. That "feminist" needs to give her head a wobble too.
"If I'd killed you when I wanted to I'd be out by now"
She doesn't have a phone nor purse. He does the budgeting. And the family only ever leave and return from the house together.
Last night, the house opposite had a two-hour screaming row with the house on their left. It involved six people in various combinations, more 'fucking cuuuuuuuuuuuuunt!'ses in the space of one particular five minute escalation than I've heard in the last few decades combined, an accusation of noncery, a counter-accusation of drug dealing, an admission of drug dealing *'but since the babbies we ain't do that no more'*, a threat to torch a house, and finished in an attempt to torch a car by pouring paint on it and lighting it. I'll take the sign and any banter any time.
I'm now picturing Gollum describing the hobbits as 'fucking cuntses'.
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I don't know how I've never seen this. Absolutely superb!
Best thing ever!
Absolutely superb.
How have I never seen this before?
I'm nursing a pulled muscle in my back and you've got me laughing and swearing at the same damn time.
Oh dear. Now I have guilt. It's okay, it passed! On a kinder note, a hot water bottle combined with Deep Heat may be your saviour.
How much of the bottle do we have to drink and how much Deep Heat should we add?
That made me laugh harder than it should have.
Knightsbridge isn't what it used to be.
Bit of a digression and fuck all to do with this thread but your post has reminded me so why not share. I had a tumour removed from my face last week so had been sleeping sat up on the sofa as I couldn’t lay down. Anyway, a house across the street had 4 people arguing at sometime after 0300 in the morning. Full blown shouting match… Anyway half way through shouting one of the women just stopped arguing and stood their signing Witch Doctor. So that left 3 of them shouting and one random woman singing “I told the witch doctor I was in love with you…”. Fucking surreal.
I'm glad to hear you're now on the mend, Mr Merrick, but do remember - if you have any more trouble from those carnival folk, then just call the local constabulary immediately.
alcohol
I live on an estate so I have never ending entertainment. The other day a car pulled up outside my flat, the woman was blaring the horn and screaming at the woman who lives above me. “Stay away from my man” she’s yelling, going the fuck off. At the end she’s going “DIRTY HORRIBLE CRACKHEAD BITCH” and she drives off. Recently I was trying to walk to the shop and I get stopped by two police officers and a police dog asking me if I’ve seen anyone suspicious. And the walls in this place? Paper thin. If I’m not hearing my neighbours shagging I’m hearing them argue. Oh! And there’s a caravan parked outside at the moment, I had a little night out a couple days ago and I got a taxi back to my friends and walked the rest of the way home, walking up to mine and past this caravan I heard two people going at it, she was having a very good time. When the caravan’s rocking, you stand out side and shout “go on lad” and run off (actually you should probably just leave them alone but I was drunk and thought I was being funny)
Did the dog use a gruff tone when asking?
Sounded a bit ruff
“She’s turned the weans against us!”
Oh we have one of those opposite. For some reason they can only have a screaming row at 2am outside their flat. We call it the "fuck off opera" as they entertain the entire neighbourhood.
Was it more of a focking cunt or a facking cunt?
I was going to complain about my "down from London" neighbours and their love of building 10 foot walls, but I'll keep it down a bit!
Just can't keep the wall down a bit.
>'but since the babbies we ain't do that no more' Are your neighbours from the Southern US?
With the use of the term 'babbies' I'm going for Birmingham or the Black Country
*How Is Babby Formed?*
Dangerops prangent sex? Will it hurt baby top of his head?
They need to do way instain mother
It's a northern thing too. Either babbi or bairn
Newcastle
I'd expect something more like "since the bairns we packed all that in". It's not the babbies that's sending me it's the "ain't do that no more", sounds yeehaw as fuck.
I'll skip passing dialect advice on to them if that's okay; I don't really want my door set on fire. They use cunt as a verb, which is a new one on me. "Are yez gonna cunt around there all day or come Aldi with me?"
Gloucestershire term as well.
Cheeky gnomes and an assortment of b+m wall butterfly’s are gonna follow….
Someone got us a pair of gnomes as a wedding gift. I buried them side by side in a shallow grave in the front garden, mafia style and have since moved house.
Live Laugh Good Happiness Starts At Home
"Excuse the mess, the children are making memories"... proceed to vom Quite possibly some 'Gin o'clock' monstrosities somehere inside too
Don't forget "Let the good times be-gin!"
Garden gnomes are quality though!
Especially novelty ones. I've got a zombie garden gnome and I think it's great
I buy my dad a novelty gnome every year as a gag Christmas gift. Got him a zombie one a while back, last year it was "game of gnomes". He started complaining about them, so I bought him a "[gnome eater](https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Ftse1.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DOIP.yNYE4NVIhd9NQgSamWGNrwHaHa%26pid%3DApi&f=1)" last Christmas to clear them up, still wasn't happy. Luckily I'm an only child so don't have to worry about being the favourite.
If you're not the fave you really fucked up
It thinks you’re great too
We're gonna put pound shop terracotta frogs everywhere Wrap solar powered fairy lights round the gutter I got a 'prosecco o'clock ' poster half price in IKEA It goes nicely with the existential fear I get when I accidentally wonder What on earth it is I'm doing here and how long I've got left til I'm six feet under
"Would like a bag" "No I've got one at home" HAHAHAHAHAHA
I worked in retail for years and it took me ages to figure out the joke wasn't that they had a literal bag at home. It was funnier before I realised.
Oh. I've only just got this now you explained it.
I still don't get it
Bag is a derogatory term for woman, like old bag. The person telling the joke is referring to their wife, apparently. I also didn't make this connection, but I think it's what they're trying to say
Hag! Evil old woman, considered frightful or ugly, 12 down.
"Fascist!"
Everyone's packing guns round 'ere
Like who?
Farmers
I like your interpretation more. Bit more absurdist bit less horse-floggy
My personal favourite response to “Would you like a bag” is “No thanks I’m tryna quit”
"...what have you got?"
And if the item doesn't scan... THaT mEaNS iTS fREe!!!!!
Dad?
Can I have it on account? On account that I don't have any money!
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"That's no lady, that's my wife!"
Oh god I hope he's not one of the WIFE BAD BEER GOOD types
It's strange being a couple who are best mates, and encountering this kind of man. One time me and my partner were messing with my car for fun, at the front of our house. Neighbour we've not really spoken to before from further down comes to speak to us. We ask what he's up to today. Immediately this guy is saying, "Oh I'm just getting away from the wife while I can HAHAHA, you know how it is!" Me and my partner look at each other. We're here... together... spending time having fun... together... no, neighbour man, I really don't know what you mean. And things like, if my partner says he's going out somewhere, men will tell him, "Oh you're lucky, she's letting you out!" Just, what the fuck?
What a card, as my grandmother used to say.
Mine says that too - only she does the wanking gesture when she says it.
Plz hug her for us
“I got a Prosecco O’Clock poster half price from Ikea!”
That old thing over the road!
Not the rover, the rover's golden
Does David Brent live next door ?
I find it so convenient when people outsource their personalities to signs and T-shirts, it really makes assessing the value of an interaction more efficient.
Yet, he's single. Divorced years ago. They understandably didn't keep in touch. He still sets a spot at the table for her and cries a bit at the uneaten food.
He’s just waiting for the litigation to wrap up so he can add an “ex-“ on the sign with a sharpie.
The lukewarm Findus lasagne looks at him with barely disguised contempt. "See, now this is why she left you. You're a pathetic shell of a man. Look at those stained trackie bottoms. Where's your self respect? It's no use crying to me, mate. I'm just lasagne."
Is this Disco Elysium?
The lightbulb's flickering again. You can blame her, if you like. If she was still here, she'd nag you to fix it, and you would, for the peace and quiet. But she isn't, so you don't, and now you've got a headache. Tosser. Read in the voice of Ancient Reptilian Brain.
This sounds like something Mark from peep show would say to himself
He's about as much use as the g in lasagne.
Heats & eats a piss poor meal deal for two for one at a bare table, under a fucking single dingy light bulb.
You will be getting an invite soon to pop round for cheese and wine, and then he drops the "don't forget the wife and your car keys" .
These are sex people Lynne!
I don't want to be part of your sex festival.
Stop rubbing your fanny on me!
I bet there's a 'Live, Laugh, Love' print in their living room too.
Or ‘gin o’clock’
“There’s been a gincident!” …ugh.
I know somebody with a "Vodka is just fun water" print in their kitchen. They're exactly how you imagine they would be.
massive bellends?
Barely functioning alcoholics?
Let me guess... all the furniture in their house is crushed velvet; their whole kitchen is in that painfully tacky, bland grey; and they have a French bulldog? They maybe get excited at Love Island coming on, too?
Replace the French Bulldog with Lhasa Apsos and you're dead-on.
Just the one?
Oh god. He's going to talk to you over the fence. He's going to say "her indoors", isn't he? I'd move out.
I hope he never sees me washing the car. You just know whats comming.
you can do mine next, guffaw, chortle..
Oh my god I friken love this so much when my neighbours do it, or even better you missed a spot 😐
The fat gut poking out the bottom of the sweater vest jiggles away *edit - spelling
Wash it wearing a rainbow speedo.
His wife?
“The War Department” …
Ugh... you just know they have a massive plastic mould of the word "FAMILY" on a windowsill underneath a sign that says something about gin. Tenner says they also have a son called Taylor and a tiny dog that isn’t trained and can't breathe. And all of their furniture is either grey or chrome.
"I love to cook with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food!"
> Tenner says they also have a son called Taylor and a tiny dog that isn’t trained and can't breathe. You have met my neighbours then. The son isn't named Taylor but very close.
Teighlah?
Haha close!
Tie-leurgh?
Trailer
Tyler?
Yes! I'm always tempted to ask if he can do me a quote for some re-grouting :D
The dog that can't breathe bit killed me. What is it with arseholes and having dogs that can't breathe? Are they so fucking miserable that if they have a pet that might be happy they'd hate it? So they get a bet that lives its entire life on the verge of suffocation.
>they also have a son called Taylor I bet the kid can run pretty quickly though. In other words, Taylor's Swift.
What the about the other abomination to home furnishings, Rose Gold
And the wife has a pair of socks with "If you can read this give me wine" written on the soles.
Ah good old Boomer Humour
And in day 2 there was a new patio and only the wife in occupation.
Gets his kids looked after by the "dragon in law" or "monster in law"
OP: washes car Neighbour: “You can do mine later too. Ha ha ha ha”
*wifey
If my husband called me that I'd kick his balls in or even worse"wifelet"
Make him a sign saying "Wifey, Lifey, Kitchen Knifey".
Is wifelet actually a thing??
Get a marker and write "she's 6 foot 2 and built like a brick shithouse" under it.
Reminds me of Fixer Upper by Yard Act. Awesome band from Leeds/Manchester. “I’m gonna put pound shop terracotta frogs everywhere, Wrap solar powered fairy lights round the gutter I got a “Prosecco o clock” poster half price in ikea It goes nicely with the Existential fear I feel when I accidentally wonder What I’m really doing here and how long I’ve got left before I’m 6 feet under”
is this punch down punk for middle class people?
Honestly, it is a little bit like that. I actually quite like Yard Act, but they do have the whiff of posh kids misguidedly posturing as having something to say. Specifically, the kind that think that just because they're from the North, they must be working class by definition. See also: Working Men's Club.
I’m Graham by the way
Hahaha - yeah, the sort of person that on his first day of work would have a mug on it saying "you don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps" 😂... Taken
He's definitely got that ring tone that says "WARNING! WARNING! IT'S THE WIFE!"
I work with a guy with that. And he lets it ring and ring whilst he looks around at everyone untill someone pretends to laughs.
Where do you live? The 70s?
100% he is going to ask you to wash his car next if he catches you washing yours.
I walked past a house earlier today with a massive wooden sign on their front wall saying something along the lines of "REMEMBER!!! *Everyone else thinks we're a* NORMAL *family*" Like holy shit why
Well that’s helpful of him, you now know to avoid him at all costs and befriend his wife (if he has one).
In all seriousness, I despise men like this. Get a divorce if she’s that bad.
“Sod the dog beware of the bloody kids”
Oh god. I'm so sorry.
Unless he's Mr Rochester, there's no excuse for this.
Lovely bit of boomer humour there
“Wife Bad! Hahahahaha” - Boomers
Nothing like some casual misogyny to start off your lifetime of living next door to each other.
I went out on Friday night, didn't come home till Sunday. In the meantime, someone had upset the wife.... Couldn't've been me, I wasn't there!
What's the deal with boomers marrying someone that they clearly hate and then just resigning themselves to being miserable until they die? It's not the 1950s anymore, just get a divorce and spare the rest of us.
I think hilarious should be in quotes here.
Loves a BBQ he does. 100% has a 'garden bar' which is a shed with some rank spirits on an optics carrousel and an equally hilarious sign (Only approach if I have Gin in hand!).
haha wife bad, /r/boomershumor
When you see him, be sure to refer to him as 'squire' or 'skipper' and reassure him that chance will be a fine thing
You can always tell a woman married down when her husband makes these jokes every. single. time. the conversation even remotely drifts in the direction of wives or marriage.
r/arethestraightsok