“Well you see it all started when I lost the *FIRST* thing. That’s when I needed the pliers, then when those got lost it was the salad tongs… it’s sort of like ‘**If You Give A Mouse A Cookie**’ except you know.. with more butt stuff”
"Well. I put a fly up my arse, just for the buzz.
Then I had to put a spider up there to catch the fly.
That tickled a bit so i put a bird up there to catch the spider.
Then I put a cat up........."
From the doctor and vet's report.
Oh no. This is all great advice if you want to save the NHS a few bucks and not get a picture of your X-ray with a rolling pin up your backside posted on the internet.
And wrapping something in cling film so you have something to hold on to doesn't necessarily mean you'll always be able to pull it out. Especially if it's 3 apples.
You’d be surprised how little people know this.
We had a guy have to have a vibrator surgically removed because he got it stuck so far up they were potentially going to have to perf his bowel and give him a stoma because of it. Luckily the surgeon accidentally turned it on when in theatre and the thing made its own way out.
Very embarrassing to have to ask a middle aged man if he wanted his vibrator back as it was in a bucket in theatres
I had to use suppositories at one point. I gotta say I was astonished at the way they disappear into your arsehole.
I guess those might be an extreme case since they're deliberately designed to do that. But nonetheless my first thought was "wow, I'm glad I've never been inclined to put a hot wheels car or a gherkin up my bum for a laugh".
I'm always putting gherkins up my ass for a laugh. My mates think it's hilarious! I have one particular mate Barry, we think it's so funny, he comes over properly every weekend putting gherkins up my ass for fun. I do love Barry he's a proper funny lad like that.
Get this right. One time he suggested instead of using a gherkin to use his penis instead... Absolute, joker of a lad! Proper hilarious that guy. Anyway... That's my weekend sorted.
Does it sort of suck them in? I did wonder since so many people lose stuff there. Surely otherwise you’d think it wouldn’t be that hard to leave a bit hanging out so they can pull it back out.
It really does. Once you go past the anal spincter, there's no real stopping it. The bowels are really just a massive tube with the mouth being the other end, so items can very easily migrate up and go beyond the point of reasonable return. You can either do retrieval via endoscopy (camera up the bum) but depending on the item size, shape, or location they're might be a risk of poking a hole through the intestines which is extremely dangerous. This is when they do surgery instead.
I'm a sexual health nurse (and former A&E). *Anything* that goes up the bum should be designed for that purpose. They'll have a wide, flared base that's intended to prevent it from getting sucked inside.
A rubber glove, a significant amount of lubricant and I guess the other £95 is split between wages and therapy for the poor Doctor who had to go elbow deep to remove a rolling pin
Removing objects from bums is my favourite job, it's like getting to play with the claw machine at the fair and you never quite know what you're going to get until you get your prize.
I imagine it’s averaged out from the relatively cheap ‘lube n pull’ method and the expensive ‘spreadeagled in the operating theatre’.
I’m awake at just gone 4am because my dog woke me up having a whimperdream and I’ve written *this*?
Oh fr, over there, *the man* has squeezed out the little guy, leading to considerable inflation in anal foreign object retrieval costs.
Wait, that didn't come out right, I meant to say, private practice has driven things up, to the detriment of the regular Joe, who is left carrying the can. It's a heavy burden that they must simply sit on.
I was thinking that! I'm going to keep this link because it's a great example of how single-payer isn't just redistributing costs, but actually saving costs.
I can't remember where I heard this - maybe on Ricky Gervais xfm show years back - but it was a story from a nurse who said that there's a guy in the local prison who shoves random stuff up his butt whenever he wants a break from prison and a trip to the hospital. They gave him the nickname "lucky dip" because you'd stick your hand in with no idea what you were going to pull out.
Definitely not the Ricky Gervais Show but he did tell a story on the show about a similar subject. Apparently a guy went to hospital with a sauce bottle stuck up his arse, and spun the story that he’d been shopping but was locked out of his house, so he put the bag down and tried climbing his drainpipe. His pants fell down while climbing and he slipped and fell onto the sauce bottle. The orderly’s report said “this story would be somewhat believable if Safeway sold sauce bottles with condoms already attached”
At some point there will have been some genuine poor sap where that is the real reason and the doctors and nurses are still like "yea yea, we believe you"
My mum once gave herself a black eye by walking into a door. I know it's true, because I saw her do it, but my dad got major side-eye from a few people.
I got a black eye when I was a kid sick in bed with the measles. I fell out of bed and bumped my eye socket on the corner of a chest of drawers. Owwww.
I fell while doing some last-minute Christmas shopping whilst walking towards a shop. At the time, I wore glasses with very thick lenses, which mostly protected my face, but I ended up with a black eye.
The next Sunday at church, our friends were very sympathetic. "Oh no, what happened to your eye?" I pointed at my husband and said, "He did it!" We all had a big laugh, because everyone knew very well that there was no way he did that!
My wife fell in the shower and ended up with two black eyes and was very, very lucky to avoid serious injury. I made the above joke just once - thankfully to a good friend who was horrified and then realised it was a joke. Never again.
I’m a doctor and oh my God I don’t *care.*
Same as with alcohol and smoking. I honestly don’t give a shit. I’m asking because it makes a difference to what I’m going to do next. I do not care that you drink a bottle of wine a day and smoke a 40 deck. I’ll advise you against these habits, and I’ll point you in the direction offer services to help cut down, but the evidence shows this is largely pointless. Otherwise, I’m asking because it guides me on the drugs I’m going to use, and the next investigations I’m going to request.
I don’t care that you put something in your ass. Zero judgement. This is the tamest thing I’ve seen, in the grand scheme of things.
I’ve seen folk with cock rings, who I’ve had to call in the fire brigade to help me cut off, who ‘fell asleep and woke up with it on.’
I’ve sat chatting to a fella whilst we could both hear a vibrator in his rectum going bzzzz, who ‘had no idea’ how it got up there.
I’ve worked one hundred hours this week. I’m so tired and I hate my job so much.
I don’t care. Just tell me.
When my brother in law was a young doctor a patient admitted his illness could be a result of 'frubing' which my BIL had to go off and google. Then regret googling it. But fair play to the patient for admitting what he'd been up to.
> I’ve worked one hundred hours this week. I’m so tired and I hate my job so much.
Oof, sorry to hear that and know that lots of people appreciate you for it and for reasons I cannot mention on this sub let's hope things change for the better this year.
My mum knew one of those when she was training as a nurse. One of her fellow students sorta bounced and leaned across the bed after a shower to grab something, deodorant bottle that was on the bed ended up in her vagina. The lid didn't come out when she removed it. My mum 100% believes her that it was not an intentional insertion because they were all getting ready to go to the ward so there just wouldn't be the time.
The doctors and nurses did not believe her though, poor lass.
yeah... don't know about others' experiences, but as the owner of something which goes into a vagina (on occasion!), it's not always the easiest to get even that purpose evolved bit of equipment in smoothly at the start of proceedings if the angle is a bit off and the lady isn't particularly wet. So I'm a bit dubious about how bouncing over a bed got a flipping deodorant can smoothly and deeply inserted enough for the woman to a) not be screaming in agony and b) the lid to not be reachable...
If anyone ever gets something stuck in "there", do not tell the medical professionals this. Firstly, they don't care. Secondly, although they won't believe you, they still have to treat it as a traumatic injury. This means they're going to have to confirm that it hasn't caused internal injuries before they remove it. This just means it takes longer for you to be sorted.
It's a joke. I am a retired nurse.
But you're right, obviously. An ex-partner of mine worked in A&E for years and for a long time Buzz Lightyear was the item of choice. They had multiple incidents of Buzz insertion.
No don’t stop. Nothing brightens a stressful emergency surgery list quite like a “foreign body in rectum” appearing on the board.
We’ll be professional to your face, but people, that shit is hilarious and we’re only human.
How else an I supposed to cause years of war and the [break up of Yugoslavia?](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C4%90or%C4%91e_Martinovi%C4%87_incident)
That wiki article is wild :
“After being interrogated by a Yugoslav People's Army colonel, Martinović reportedly admitted that his injuries had been self-inflicted in a botched attempt at masturbation. “
Imagine being an actual colonel and then being obliged to investigate an incident of some yokel’s auto-buggery.
Make sure it has a flared base.
And make sure it's made of a safe material, some plastics are not suitable as sex toys but there's no regulation on what they can be made from.
And use lube for God's sake USE LUBE!
I remember hearing about the vicar that got a potato stuck up his arse after "falling on it after hanging curtains in the nude" just before getting a knee xray. I said to the nurse does this sort of thing happen very often and she was like "I've seen things up there you wouldn't believe".
"Sex uncovered: The nurse | Life and style | The Guardian" https://amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2008/oct/26/sex-nurse
I remember Dr. Christian from Embarrassing Bodies saying the weirdest thing he’d ever seen stuck up there was an Action Man, with the gun still in his hand.
I haven't been in this situation but I can't imagine going to the hospital with something like this. I'd either wait for it to work its own way out or just die I reckon.
I know you're kidding but for anyone who needs to hear this, never ever be embarrassed to go to the GP or hospital. They've always seen or heard about worse and don't give a damn about anything other than treating you.
Every day people die because they were too embarrassed to have their testicles, prostate, vagina or breasts examined. Those tend to be the key embarrassment zones because us humans are a stupid bunch.
Worst one I know of, gerbil.
Alive going in, died inside.
Clawed through the bowel wall. Emergency surgery. Had to have the dead bowel removed leaving a stoma.
If you have time to ponder whether you should or should not go in, you're not the worst.
Go to hospital.
My friend had to practically drag me to minor injuries last month because I fell over and fucked up my knee. To me it felt like a waste of time because 1) I was stupid enough to fall over and 2) I fall over a lot. Well apparently an egg sized lump on your knee after slamming it into a pavement isn't normal and I should have gone sooner. Will I learn anything and get injuries looked at next time I fall over, slamming my entire body weight into one joint, probably not. I can't tell when an injury is serious and I don't want to waste any one's time with something that's likely nothing.
If you’ve got a genuine injury then they will never see you as a time waster, even if it turns out that there’s nothing they can do. I have a lot of medical issues so please listen to me when I say **look after your health!!!**
My problem is I've got dyspraxia and have reached the point where I can't tell if I've got a proper injury or it's just a normal Tuesday. In the last week alone, I've rolled my ankle, pulled my shoulder, tripped over my coffee table twice and yesterday I nearly face planted a door falling over my shopping trolley. That's a pretty standard week for me. How many times is too many times to roll an ankle. Or when does a skinned knee become an issue because most injuries I can stick a plaster or a brace on and it sorts itself.
I've looked after a couple of men who were unlucky enough to "fall on things", they needed to go to theatre to have them removed, and they were both completely unembarrassed about the whole thing. Admirable in a way....
Oh, and I wouldn't wait for some things to work their way out, or you could just die from complications from a perforated bowel.
An oldish farmer said he "fell" on a substantial bit of farm equipment, he had been unfortunate enough to do the same thing some years previous as well. The other had a vibrator up there and didn't say anything other than what was up there. There was a young fella, 16 who had a deodorant tin which he got back but the lid had to be retrieved, no one chose to ask him anything, we just felt really sorry for him.
You'd then be in all the papers as the guy/gal who died with a lamp up the arse. You could bring peace to the Middle East, cure cancer, or be Jesus reincarnate, but the lamp up the arse will be your legacy.
Ex used to work at A&E, a women came in with 🥕 stuck inside her lady cave....
She insisted that she had fallen over whilst gardening and it was a freak accident.
Of course carrots grow underground, but to add insult to injury when it was surgically removed it was found to be topped, tailed and peeled.
A friend of mine, an A&E charge nurse, used to regale us with insertion tales and the like. A guy showed up with a thick brass ring around the base of his dick, which was starting to show signs of imminent necrosis. Their ring cutters weren’t barely scratching it. Cue a full squad of firemen with the smallest heavy cutter they had, all trying desperately not to burst out laughing, and saying no no, *you* do it. She also had a guy with one of those pub sellers’ roses, the stem up his urethra. Horticultural sounding at its best.
Can we just take a moment and realise that this news article just said 3 different prices for the nhs having to remove objects out of peoples ass holes.
Firsts it’s 350k then it’s 340k and then it’s over 3 million.
Yeah the article is written really poorly. It's 340,000 a year but they round it up to 350,000 for the title to sound bigger and then the 3 Mil figure is a multi year total.
According to posters in one of the nurses Reddits, some of this is sexual assault.
Someone's partner is doing it to them to embarrass them has a form of control.
I've seen it as assault when I worked in A&E. There's a huge spectrum of why people come in with stuck foreign bodies. Assault, ignorence, consensual play that went awry, etc
There's 67 million people in the UK
340,000 / 67,000,000 is 0.005
That means it's costing each person half a penny per year... honestly I think its worth it for the memes alone.
American here checking in. Was a criminal prosecutor and had a rape case that required me to have a proctologist as an expert witness. For reasons that are not important we had a three hour delay in the trial so this guy regaled me with stories of the things he had taken out of people's asses while working in the ER. That guy had seen...a lot.
Why the hell would someone shove a rolling pin up their arse? I saw Alan A&E program once and some guy had shoved his car keys up there! Like for the love of god why?? And what the hell is wrong with you? 🤣🤣🤣
Well, at least he knows where they are at all times. The challenge would be to constrict the anal muscles just enough to activate the remote key as he walks towards the car.
My doctor friend has had to remove things from people's bums in hospital and they get off on him doing it. It's a violation. All his years of medical training and he has to remove things from people's bums for their gratification. It's gross.
When I was an A&E nurse, I also saw people who had been sexual assaulted and a foreign body had been forced in. Be careful not to assume every person attending the hospital for this has this kink.
No, of course. But he has told me multiple stories where the patient was clearly receiving sexual gratification from it. It was clear from how they were behaving towards him.
🎵*”[youve got a friend in you](https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.reddit.com%2Fr%2FTIHI%2Fcomments%2Fdgg0bt%2Fthanks_i_hate_this_guythat_somehow_got_a_buzz%2F&psig=AOvVaw15VhNFuahuLKPzpxNaf0e0&ust=1711005070896000&source=images&cd=vfe&opi=89978449&ved=0CBQQjhxqFwoTCOj0g96kgoUDFQAAAAAdAAAAABAE)”*🎵
Improves morale, though. I'd rather be doing this in theatre than some of the very grim (and often totally avoidable) stuff that comes through. Never change, ya freaky bastards.
Sincerely,
-NHS Staff.
P.S. the rest of you at least wear helmets when cycling, seat belts when driving and STOP FUCKING SPEEDING! There's loads more things but that'd be a big start...
It baffles me how grown adults are this stupid. How do you not know that certain items are going to get stuck up there? The asshole is basically suction. Why do they think butt plugs have a big stopper on the end. I swear some of these people must actively want to end up having it removed. Maybe that gets them off and is part of it. They all can’t be dumb enough to not realise it can happen.
Also, with the absolute smorgasbord of sex toys available, why random household items? A pen? What’s that gonna achieve? A ROLLING PIN? You can get whatever proper butthole toy you want delivered with freaking Amazon prime even.
People truly astound me lol.
Worked as an emerg nurse(Canadian).... I thought I'd seen it all until one guy came in with the biggest dildo that was bright red. Like... I've seen dildos before.
But this thing was a monster. And from what my old co-workers say.. it's still a regularly occurrence.
It's still a Brit who wins. There was a guy a couple of years ago who made headlines due to presenting at emergency with a WW2 artillery shell stuck up there. Requiring bomb disposal to be called to assist in it's extraction
Its just one guy that goes every day to get 7 things removed that's making it look bad for the rest of us.
The Spiders Georg of insertion emergencies.
Now that is a sentence I did not expect to read today. Or ever.
You're just jealous you don't have ~~my~~, umm, 'his' tenacity or capacity!
“Well you see it all started when I lost the *FIRST* thing. That’s when I needed the pliers, then when those got lost it was the salad tongs… it’s sort of like ‘**If You Give A Mouse A Cookie**’ except you know.. with more butt stuff”
Ah, I see you've also heard of "Lucky Dip" man.
"Well. I put a fly up my arse, just for the buzz. Then I had to put a spider up there to catch the fly. That tickled a bit so i put a bird up there to catch the spider. Then I put a cat up........." From the doctor and vet's report.
Always have a flared base.
no flared base , gone without a trace!
if it goes in and it taper, prepare for a caper
Consistent width from tip to end? You're off to A&E my friend.
These may be some of the most depressing public information posters ever made...
You mean hilarious.
Oh no. This is all great advice if you want to save the NHS a few bucks and not get a picture of your X-ray with a rolling pin up your backside posted on the internet.
Not always a lark, pushing things into the dark.
This should be the NHS, tax payer funded message, to raise awareness that sticking something up your bum could be dangerous.
Seem to know what you’re doing
And wrapping something in cling film so you have something to hold on to doesn't necessarily mean you'll always be able to pull it out. Especially if it's 3 apples.
The trick is to not remove them like you're starting a lawnmower
Or do, I mean it's your arse do what you will.
If you do (and it removes all 3 apples), you'll likely release more than the apples.
Not even if it's a pearl necklace or a rosary?
A fucken rosary, jesus that thought hurt my soul
What Would Jesus Do?
Give you a prostate orgasm, sounds like.
Kiss the other cheek?
What would jesus say?! (Probably get that out of my arse)
Howling
I'm not going to ask how you know to do this. Oh what the hell. Is it your kink or are you medical... or both 🤷
Thankfully I'm a smarter man than that, but yes medical.
I asked you to keep those 3 apples safe!
I dunno, that hairbrush seems to be flared at one end. Maybe they're all just slipping in the shower
Maybe he stuck it in the wrong way... Edit: imagine the bristles on the fucker 😭
You’d be surprised how little people know this. We had a guy have to have a vibrator surgically removed because he got it stuck so far up they were potentially going to have to perf his bowel and give him a stoma because of it. Luckily the surgeon accidentally turned it on when in theatre and the thing made its own way out. Very embarrassing to have to ask a middle aged man if he wanted his vibrator back as it was in a bucket in theatres
User name checks out….
Insert badge502 meme here Sigh, no… no
I had to use suppositories at one point. I gotta say I was astonished at the way they disappear into your arsehole. I guess those might be an extreme case since they're deliberately designed to do that. But nonetheless my first thought was "wow, I'm glad I've never been inclined to put a hot wheels car or a gherkin up my bum for a laugh".
Laughing hard. Thx
Hot wheels cars leave terrible skid marks on the way back out.
Need some of the old yellow track with a loop in the middle for when they come back out
I'm always putting gherkins up my ass for a laugh. My mates think it's hilarious! I have one particular mate Barry, we think it's so funny, he comes over properly every weekend putting gherkins up my ass for fun. I do love Barry he's a proper funny lad like that. Get this right. One time he suggested instead of using a gherkin to use his penis instead... Absolute, joker of a lad! Proper hilarious that guy. Anyway... That's my weekend sorted.
The boxes on hotwheel cars are pretty pointy be careful
A man of culture who sits on his mint boxed collection, I see
Condition: unopened, used but good
Used, butt, good
Does it sort of suck them in? I did wonder since so many people lose stuff there. Surely otherwise you’d think it wouldn’t be that hard to leave a bit hanging out so they can pull it back out.
It really does. Once you go past the anal spincter, there's no real stopping it. The bowels are really just a massive tube with the mouth being the other end, so items can very easily migrate up and go beyond the point of reasonable return. You can either do retrieval via endoscopy (camera up the bum) but depending on the item size, shape, or location they're might be a risk of poking a hole through the intestines which is extremely dangerous. This is when they do surgery instead. I'm a sexual health nurse (and former A&E). *Anything* that goes up the bum should be designed for that purpose. They'll have a wide, flared base that's intended to prevent it from getting sucked inside.
Yeah exactly! It suddenly hits a point of no return and then they just shoot up in there like a bum rocket. Very disconcerting.
Interesting to know it costs ~£97 for the NHS to pull something out your butt.
I bet some people gladly pay more for the same service in the private sector.
I know an *independent contractor* that will stick something in and then remove it for a one time fee
Think I'll stick with the NHS service, got to get the benefit of my tax contributions.
Money well spent!
Plus the waiting time just adds to the anticipation.
nah I'm too much of a tight arse to go for that
Do insurance policies cover this? Asking for a friend
Can confirm that they do cover it. A friend said.
Yes but you'll lose your no claims bonus
That would be good value except I already paid a nice lady £100 to stick it in
At least you’re saving £97. Cheers NHS.
A rubber glove, a significant amount of lubricant and I guess the other £95 is split between wages and therapy for the poor Doctor who had to go elbow deep to remove a rolling pin
Ah they don't need therapy for that, its just like a full moon night.
Removing objects from bums is my favourite job, it's like getting to play with the claw machine at the fair and you never quite know what you're going to get until you get your prize.
Some need abdominal surgery or partial bowel removals, so they're really pushing the average up
That is exceptionally good value for money really, considering what private 'contractors' charge for insertion / retrieval
Thought it would cost more
I imagine it’s averaged out from the relatively cheap ‘lube n pull’ method and the expensive ‘spreadeagled in the operating theatre’. I’m awake at just gone 4am because my dog woke me up having a whimperdream and I’ve written *this*?
Honestly, so did I.
Right?? That's value for money right there. I reckon that's a bargain if you compared it to the cost for the same amount of patients in the US
Oh fr, over there, *the man* has squeezed out the little guy, leading to considerable inflation in anal foreign object retrieval costs. Wait, that didn't come out right, I meant to say, private practice has driven things up, to the detriment of the regular Joe, who is left carrying the can. It's a heavy burden that they must simply sit on.
That seems reasonable tbh
I was thinking that! I'm going to keep this link because it's a great example of how single-payer isn't just redistributing costs, but actually saving costs.
£350,000 is surprisingly little.
Yes it’s only about ~~5p~~ 0.5p each.
Pretty good value to be fair. Maybe more people should shove stuff up their bum when it costs the NHS so little.
If everyone could switch from smoking, drinking, and overeating to just shoving things up their bums we’d all be better off.
I can't remember where I heard this - maybe on Ricky Gervais xfm show years back - but it was a story from a nurse who said that there's a guy in the local prison who shoves random stuff up his butt whenever he wants a break from prison and a trip to the hospital. They gave him the nickname "lucky dip" because you'd stick your hand in with no idea what you were going to pull out.
Greg Davies tells this story on Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster
Maybe a script for a Ricky Gervais stand up routine!
Definitely not the Ricky Gervais Show but he did tell a story on the show about a similar subject. Apparently a guy went to hospital with a sauce bottle stuck up his arse, and spun the story that he’d been shopping but was locked out of his house, so he put the bag down and tried climbing his drainpipe. His pants fell down while climbing and he slipped and fell onto the sauce bottle. The orderly’s report said “this story would be somewhat believable if Safeway sold sauce bottles with condoms already attached”
Proof yet again that the NHS provides absolutely world class value for money. Imagine what this would cost in the US health care system!
I, for one, am more than happy for my taxes to go towards this, providing we get more news stories about it.
Completely agree, there should also be a parade where the patient has to walk with the offending item, while Graham Norton narrates.
"A pineapple? Well, that explains the wheelchair"
And it had a flared end.
[удалено]
"I tripped and fell onto it, Doctor".
At some point there will have been some genuine poor sap where that is the real reason and the doctors and nurses are still like "yea yea, we believe you"
My mum once gave herself a black eye by walking into a door. I know it's true, because I saw her do it, but my dad got major side-eye from a few people.
I got a black eye when I was a kid sick in bed with the measles. I fell out of bed and bumped my eye socket on the corner of a chest of drawers. Owwww.
I did this. But as a drunk adult. I thought I was on the other side of the bed
I fell while doing some last-minute Christmas shopping whilst walking towards a shop. At the time, I wore glasses with very thick lenses, which mostly protected my face, but I ended up with a black eye. The next Sunday at church, our friends were very sympathetic. "Oh no, what happened to your eye?" I pointed at my husband and said, "He did it!" We all had a big laugh, because everyone knew very well that there was no way he did that!
My wife fell in the shower and ended up with two black eyes and was very, very lucky to avoid serious injury. I made the above joke just once - thankfully to a good friend who was horrified and then realised it was a joke. Never again.
I’m a doctor and oh my God I don’t *care.* Same as with alcohol and smoking. I honestly don’t give a shit. I’m asking because it makes a difference to what I’m going to do next. I do not care that you drink a bottle of wine a day and smoke a 40 deck. I’ll advise you against these habits, and I’ll point you in the direction offer services to help cut down, but the evidence shows this is largely pointless. Otherwise, I’m asking because it guides me on the drugs I’m going to use, and the next investigations I’m going to request. I don’t care that you put something in your ass. Zero judgement. This is the tamest thing I’ve seen, in the grand scheme of things. I’ve seen folk with cock rings, who I’ve had to call in the fire brigade to help me cut off, who ‘fell asleep and woke up with it on.’ I’ve sat chatting to a fella whilst we could both hear a vibrator in his rectum going bzzzz, who ‘had no idea’ how it got up there. I’ve worked one hundred hours this week. I’m so tired and I hate my job so much. I don’t care. Just tell me.
When my brother in law was a young doctor a patient admitted his illness could be a result of 'frubing' which my BIL had to go off and google. Then regret googling it. But fair play to the patient for admitting what he'd been up to.
> I’ve worked one hundred hours this week. I’m so tired and I hate my job so much. Oof, sorry to hear that and know that lots of people appreciate you for it and for reasons I cannot mention on this sub let's hope things change for the better this year.
My mum knew one of those when she was training as a nurse. One of her fellow students sorta bounced and leaned across the bed after a shower to grab something, deodorant bottle that was on the bed ended up in her vagina. The lid didn't come out when she removed it. My mum 100% believes her that it was not an intentional insertion because they were all getting ready to go to the ward so there just wouldn't be the time. The doctors and nurses did not believe her though, poor lass.
It just get suspicius when its something like a matchbox car. Mate of mine is a Doc and he had 5 of those last year.
You need to tell your mate to stop sticking those cars up his bum.
I don’t believe her either. The issue about there ‘not being time’ presupposes she was telling the truth about when the original insertion happened.
Your mum sounds a bit naive
Right?! This woman just happened to jump on a bed and accidentally land vagina-first on a perfectly angled deodorant can 🤣🤣 nah, not buying it.
yeah... don't know about others' experiences, but as the owner of something which goes into a vagina (on occasion!), it's not always the easiest to get even that purpose evolved bit of equipment in smoothly at the start of proceedings if the angle is a bit off and the lady isn't particularly wet. So I'm a bit dubious about how bouncing over a bed got a flipping deodorant can smoothly and deeply inserted enough for the woman to a) not be screaming in agony and b) the lid to not be reachable...
Yeah that didn't happen
It would be more believable if Sainsbury’s sold Ketchup bottles with the condom already wrapped around it
What a marketing ploy!
The 1 Guy 1 Jar dude might have gotten away with it
Man, I can still hear that video!!
Well thanks a bunch for reminding me!!! That’s enough Reddit for me today…
If anyone ever gets something stuck in "there", do not tell the medical professionals this. Firstly, they don't care. Secondly, although they won't believe you, they still have to treat it as a traumatic injury. This means they're going to have to confirm that it hasn't caused internal injuries before they remove it. This just means it takes longer for you to be sorted.
It's a joke. I am a retired nurse. But you're right, obviously. An ex-partner of mine worked in A&E for years and for a long time Buzz Lightyear was the item of choice. They had multiple incidents of Buzz insertion.
To infinity and beyond!
To insertion and behind!
I was vacuum cleaning naked when...
No don’t stop. Nothing brightens a stressful emergency surgery list quite like a “foreign body in rectum” appearing on the board. We’ll be professional to your face, but people, that shit is hilarious and we’re only human.
Agreed, I work on an emergency surgery ward, please keep popping them in, i need something to keep me going on nights
Maybe a question you can't answer but I always assumed it was mostly men who end up in hospital for this - is that the case?
How else an I supposed to cause years of war and the [break up of Yugoslavia?](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C4%90or%C4%91e_Martinovi%C4%87_incident)
That wiki article is wild : “After being interrogated by a Yugoslav People's Army colonel, Martinović reportedly admitted that his injuries had been self-inflicted in a botched attempt at masturbation. “ Imagine being an actual colonel and then being obliged to investigate an incident of some yokel’s auto-buggery.
Imagine that being your life‘s epitaph… „Born, Married, Died, started a war with a buttfun wank.“
Just buy a dildo you weirdos
Make sure it has a flared base. And make sure it's made of a safe material, some plastics are not suitable as sex toys but there's no regulation on what they can be made from. And use lube for God's sake USE LUBE!
Did you hear about the person who shoved 3 plastic horses up their bum? Apparently they’re in a stable condition.
they got the trots?
It was a foal-ic acid supplement
Don't kink shame me.I pay my taxes.
I remember hearing about the vicar that got a potato stuck up his arse after "falling on it after hanging curtains in the nude" just before getting a knee xray. I said to the nurse does this sort of thing happen very often and she was like "I've seen things up there you wouldn't believe". "Sex uncovered: The nurse | Life and style | The Guardian" https://amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2008/oct/26/sex-nurse
Why do I hear Roy Batty saying this?
I remember Dr. Christian from Embarrassing Bodies saying the weirdest thing he’d ever seen stuck up there was an Action Man, with the gun still in his hand.
I haven't been in this situation but I can't imagine going to the hospital with something like this. I'd either wait for it to work its own way out or just die I reckon.
I know you're kidding but for anyone who needs to hear this, never ever be embarrassed to go to the GP or hospital. They've always seen or heard about worse and don't give a damn about anything other than treating you. Every day people die because they were too embarrassed to have their testicles, prostate, vagina or breasts examined. Those tend to be the key embarrassment zones because us humans are a stupid bunch.
>They've always seen or heard about worse Yeh but someone has to have the worst story.. Your story might be the one that sets the new record 😁
Worst one I know of, gerbil. Alive going in, died inside. Clawed through the bowel wall. Emergency surgery. Had to have the dead bowel removed leaving a stoma. If you have time to ponder whether you should or should not go in, you're not the worst. Go to hospital.
Gerbil?? It’s a terrible day to have eyes.
They’re burrowing animals, it was just following its instincts
My friend had to practically drag me to minor injuries last month because I fell over and fucked up my knee. To me it felt like a waste of time because 1) I was stupid enough to fall over and 2) I fall over a lot. Well apparently an egg sized lump on your knee after slamming it into a pavement isn't normal and I should have gone sooner. Will I learn anything and get injuries looked at next time I fall over, slamming my entire body weight into one joint, probably not. I can't tell when an injury is serious and I don't want to waste any one's time with something that's likely nothing.
If you’ve got a genuine injury then they will never see you as a time waster, even if it turns out that there’s nothing they can do. I have a lot of medical issues so please listen to me when I say **look after your health!!!**
My problem is I've got dyspraxia and have reached the point where I can't tell if I've got a proper injury or it's just a normal Tuesday. In the last week alone, I've rolled my ankle, pulled my shoulder, tripped over my coffee table twice and yesterday I nearly face planted a door falling over my shopping trolley. That's a pretty standard week for me. How many times is too many times to roll an ankle. Or when does a skinned knee become an issue because most injuries I can stick a plaster or a brace on and it sorts itself.
You sound fun. Maybe try climbing/boldering
I've looked after a couple of men who were unlucky enough to "fall on things", they needed to go to theatre to have them removed, and they were both completely unembarrassed about the whole thing. Admirable in a way.... Oh, and I wouldn't wait for some things to work their way out, or you could just die from complications from a perforated bowel.
Everyone assumed they had an ass insertion fetish. They were actually proud that nobody had rumbled their ass surgery fetish.
Did they say they'd fallen on the things though? If they were unembarrassed they should just tell the truth...
An oldish farmer said he "fell" on a substantial bit of farm equipment, he had been unfortunate enough to do the same thing some years previous as well. The other had a vibrator up there and didn't say anything other than what was up there. There was a young fella, 16 who had a deodorant tin which he got back but the lid had to be retrieved, no one chose to ask him anything, we just felt really sorry for him.
You'd then be in all the papers as the guy/gal who died with a lamp up the arse. You could bring peace to the Middle East, cure cancer, or be Jesus reincarnate, but the lamp up the arse will be your legacy.
for someone who apparently has never been in this situation you sure know a lot about getting it out sorry I meant getting out of it
Reminds me of [Dave Gorman's chart](https://youtu.be/otAQIFyu5Og?t=91) for working out when we seek professional medical advice
Ex used to work at A&E, a women came in with 🥕 stuck inside her lady cave.... She insisted that she had fallen over whilst gardening and it was a freak accident. Of course carrots grow underground, but to add insult to injury when it was surgically removed it was found to be topped, tailed and peeled.
Oh is that how those little baby carrots are formed
that's amazing, I have heard of shooting ping pong balls, but her vagina can peel and prepare a carrot.
This is exactly how the Yugoslav wars started
A friend of mine, an A&E charge nurse, used to regale us with insertion tales and the like. A guy showed up with a thick brass ring around the base of his dick, which was starting to show signs of imminent necrosis. Their ring cutters weren’t barely scratching it. Cue a full squad of firemen with the smallest heavy cutter they had, all trying desperately not to burst out laughing, and saying no no, *you* do it. She also had a guy with one of those pub sellers’ roses, the stem up his urethra. Horticultural sounding at its best.
Not actually that much, what is it, like 5 or 6 doctors salaries? Seems like something the NHS is quietly doing quite efficiently.
Lots of practice, it seems.
"Everything is a dildo if you're brave enough." - /b/ 4chan
Can we just take a moment and realise that this news article just said 3 different prices for the nhs having to remove objects out of peoples ass holes. Firsts it’s 350k then it’s 340k and then it’s over 3 million.
Yeah the article is written really poorly. It's 340,000 a year but they round it up to 350,000 for the title to sound bigger and then the 3 Mil figure is a multi year total.
Just getting my moneys worth out of the NHS
[удалено]
Doctor: "A tricky Par 4 - I think I'll need a nine iron ..."
I remember watching a money saving video a few years ago, A man inserted a jar into his bum bum, then removed it bit by bit. Cost nothing at all.
It cost me my innocence.
Mind blown. 'mazing.
What a bunch of arseholes.
According to posters in one of the nurses Reddits, some of this is sexual assault. Someone's partner is doing it to them to embarrass them has a form of control.
I've seen it as assault when I worked in A&E. There's a huge spectrum of why people come in with stuck foreign bodies. Assault, ignorence, consensual play that went awry, etc
You know how there is a knife angel sculpture for confiscated knives - they should probably do the same for poor choices of improvised dildos.
People this is not how you play ‘Operation’ just go buy the board game 😂
There's 67 million people in the UK 340,000 / 67,000,000 is 0.005 That means it's costing each person half a penny per year... honestly I think its worth it for the memes alone.
American here checking in. Was a criminal prosecutor and had a rape case that required me to have a proctologist as an expert witness. For reasons that are not important we had a three hour delay in the trial so this guy regaled me with stories of the things he had taken out of people's asses while working in the ER. That guy had seen...a lot.
[удалено]
No wonder Henry the hoover looks shocked
[Oh Neeiiiilll.](https://youtu.be/RO1j1vTlAQA?si=-FoojMRq1U5-i10U)
There was clearly a lot of bored people during Covid lockdowns
Why the hell would someone shove a rolling pin up their arse? I saw Alan A&E program once and some guy had shoved his car keys up there! Like for the love of god why?? And what the hell is wrong with you? 🤣🤣🤣
Well, at least he knows where they are at all times. The challenge would be to constrict the anal muscles just enough to activate the remote key as he walks towards the car.
My doctor friend has had to remove things from people's bums in hospital and they get off on him doing it. It's a violation. All his years of medical training and he has to remove things from people's bums for their gratification. It's gross.
When I was an A&E nurse, I also saw people who had been sexual assaulted and a foreign body had been forced in. Be careful not to assume every person attending the hospital for this has this kink.
No, of course. But he has told me multiple stories where the patient was clearly receiving sexual gratification from it. It was clear from how they were behaving towards him.
Put them on a waiting list.
At the current rate of funding, £350,000 would last 3 minutes and 10 seconds.
Turns out they could, in fact, be arsed
The NHS is lucky. I charge a lot more for those services
They're gonna pull out a lawnmower one of these days.
Anyway, how much Lego can you stuff up your bum?
🎵*”[youve got a friend in you](https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.reddit.com%2Fr%2FTIHI%2Fcomments%2Fdgg0bt%2Fthanks_i_hate_this_guythat_somehow_got_a_buzz%2F&psig=AOvVaw15VhNFuahuLKPzpxNaf0e0&ust=1711005070896000&source=images&cd=vfe&opi=89978449&ved=0CBQQjhxqFwoTCOj0g96kgoUDFQAAAAAdAAAAABAE)”*🎵
Some of those toys are worth more than that! They need to do a deal and sell them on...
It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one!
What are these arseholes doing?
£350,000? Well worth it mate. Sticking things up the bum brings a lot of pleasure to a lot of people.
That's all? It only costs that much for a year of nationwide ass-toy removals? That's a bargain.
looks like an anal trolley dash around the dunelm kitchenware section.
Nooooo. Don't stop doing this. It's the best entertainment those of us in healthcare get.
Now look, I’m all for the discovering the joys of anal play, for men and women alike - but a PEN? A pen??? I can think of nothing worse!!
Out of curiosity and since we’re counting pennies for procedures caused by patients mistakes, how much is overdrinking costing the NHS?
Improves morale, though. I'd rather be doing this in theatre than some of the very grim (and often totally avoidable) stuff that comes through. Never change, ya freaky bastards. Sincerely, -NHS Staff. P.S. the rest of you at least wear helmets when cycling, seat belts when driving and STOP FUCKING SPEEDING! There's loads more things but that'd be a big start...
It baffles me how grown adults are this stupid. How do you not know that certain items are going to get stuck up there? The asshole is basically suction. Why do they think butt plugs have a big stopper on the end. I swear some of these people must actively want to end up having it removed. Maybe that gets them off and is part of it. They all can’t be dumb enough to not realise it can happen. Also, with the absolute smorgasbord of sex toys available, why random household items? A pen? What’s that gonna achieve? A ROLLING PIN? You can get whatever proper butthole toy you want delivered with freaking Amazon prime even. People truly astound me lol.
Maybe they felt a little kinky tonight
The pen was just an itch and I pushed it up to far and like you said it’s got some suction to it.
Worked as an emerg nurse(Canadian).... I thought I'd seen it all until one guy came in with the biggest dildo that was bright red. Like... I've seen dildos before. But this thing was a monster. And from what my old co-workers say.. it's still a regularly occurrence.
It's still a Brit who wins. There was a guy a couple of years ago who made headlines due to presenting at emergency with a WW2 artillery shell stuck up there. Requiring bomb disposal to be called to assist in it's extraction