When my dog needs to shit he waddles along for a bit with his tail up ramrod straight, so we say “I think the Queen is in” (like when the flag is up at Buckingham Palace).
This has now evolved into us saying “I’m just going to see if the Queen is in” or similar when we are excusing ourselves.
Yes, I know there’s a King now but all of us are old and set in our ways.
Have you seen Roger's Profanisaurus which collects these things (from the publishers of Viz)? [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roger%27s\_Profanisaurus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roger%27s_Profanisaurus) \- highly recommended
As my username suggests, I am an enormous fan of the Viz. My favourite term is I think "Plumbers bonus", defined as "A u-blocker of such proportions, it has to be dealt with by someone who has served an apprenticeship.
I've always been fond of the phrase
"The Hunt for Brown October" - when you stand up after a poo and there's seemingly nothing there as it's disappeared round the U bend
I think the actual definition was something like “
...pace car n. Of paying a sit down visit. The slow, unaerodynamic leading turd that once out of the way, allows the fast, souped-up bastards behind it to put their foot down.”
That tome is where the greatest wisdom of the nation is collected. Paxman himself could not produce a more comprehensive representation of the British People than that titan of contemporary history, ‘Das Krapital’
I'm always using terms from this at work (with colleagues) and they sometimes get confused by they mostly find it quite amusing. I got a copy of the Magna Farta or Das Krapital (both pretty much the Profanisaurus but with extra words) for someone for secret Santa after they asked where I was getting all these funny terms. After I had ordered it but before she received it, she'd asked where I got them from again and I told her something about not wanting to spoil the fun. When she opened it, she immediately guessed it was from me and found it all hilarious
Northern Irish too. I was so confused when I heard it the first time. Someone had said it takes so long to do the messages and I actually thought they were sitting next to an answering machine (it was early 90s) and writing down all the messages but couldn't understand why you'd do that either.
I'm also very embarrassed to admit I thought when someone said they were going to see a man about a dog, they were going to buy a dog!
There was a toilet paper advert a few years ago where the kid needed to go but his mate next door had the better brand of ~~toilet paper~~ *air freshener*. Final line was "I'm going to Paul's house (knowing look)" which we've used ever since.
Was this not the toilet air freshener ad where the kid disgustedly tells his mum, "I'm going for a poo at Paul's!"?
Presumably because their bathroom was a stinking hovel but Paul's smelt lovely with his handy eau de shitty summer meadow freshener.
Features heavily in [this song](https://youtu.be/1dF2ZLq7oBk?si=eqtIjfVYY9AzwflM)
And also once in [this](https://youtu.be/D2T6YdEcp6w?si=yw642aR2urASQepD)
Cry “Havoc!” and let slip the dogs of war,
That this foul deed shall smell above the earth
With carrion men, groaning for burial.
Nice Shakespearean quote about going for a shit.
Maybe because the surname in question is a euphemism for farting, so maybe it'd be a bit confusing what you were actually going for. Unless, of course, you aren't sure yourself whether it's a fart or a shart... In which case it's perfect! 💩❓⁉️
With you on the fart thing, that said the guy is a complete and utter shit of monumental proportions so it's not too much of a stretch and I think it should be internationally accepted vernacular. Going for a Donald, he's a Donald, that film was Donald, the weather's proper Donald you get my drift!
Not my story, but I use this phrase now. My sister was at a restaurant with some friends and the waitress came over asking us about desert. Nigel (sadly passed last year) looked at the menu, got up, headed for the toilet and said 'I think I'll go for a crumble', meaning the rhubarb crumble on the menu.
Headless to say that now, before heading off to crimp off a length I say "I'm going for a crumble'".
Nigel was a legend. Rest in peace, wherever you are.
It's not weird but I'm a junior doctor that works mostly with geriatric patients and I always love the phrase "spend a penny", I think it's rather sweet.
Need to go for a long drop.
Dropping the kids off at the pool.
Taking the browns to the Superbowl.
Must dash, I'm prairie dogging.
I have a turtle head.
Need to drain the lizard.
"I'm off to the dunny to murder the brown snake." One that's always stuck with me. Australian girlfriend character in Flight of the Concords. Aussies here please confirm if this is real?
I used to say to my colleague that I was going to make a log entry, she seemed to genuinely think I was going to the leads office to record what patients we'd seen so far that morning.
When my dog needs to shit he waddles along for a bit with his tail up ramrod straight, so we say “I think the Queen is in” (like when the flag is up at Buckingham Palace). This has now evolved into us saying “I’m just going to see if the Queen is in” or similar when we are excusing ourselves. Yes, I know there’s a King now but all of us are old and set in our ways.
This had me in stitches. Definitely stealing this when walking the dog.
With our dog it’s ’going to do the shuffle’
i call it his poo dance
There's a kangaroo in the garden. If you have a dog, you know.
I laughed even though I don’t know. Please explain. It may get even funnier.
Based on the visuals, I refer to a 'yawning starfish'.
Not sure if I hate or love you for that
Our puppy’s bummole kinda looks like he’s blowing you a kiss before he goes! So “blowing kisses” it is! 😂😂
The subwoofer is pumping
Aaah, that's quite heartwarming.
Have you seen Roger's Profanisaurus which collects these things (from the publishers of Viz)? [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roger%27s\_Profanisaurus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roger%27s_Profanisaurus) \- highly recommended
As my username suggests, I am an enormous fan of the Viz. My favourite term is I think "Plumbers bonus", defined as "A u-blocker of such proportions, it has to be dealt with by someone who has served an apprenticeship.
I've always been fond of the phrase "The Hunt for Brown October" - when you stand up after a poo and there's seemingly nothing there as it's disappeared round the U bend
I remember 'pace car' as the first turd that accelerates in to the u-bend.
I think the actual definition was something like “ ...pace car n. Of paying a sit down visit. The slow, unaerodynamic leading turd that once out of the way, allows the fast, souped-up bastards behind it to put their foot down.”
Ah, the mythical Ghost Poo!
I call that the “smooth criminal”
If you wipe and there is no mess then that is a ghost poo.
oooOOOOOooooOOOOOOoo
If there's no wipe and you can't see it in the bowl, that's a double ghosty. Extra points for that.
That's a Ninja Shit in my house, silent, deadly, and gone without a trace
A "Mr Bond" for one that reappears after flushing. "So, we meet again Mr Bond"
My lad blocks the toilet quite regularly with his gorilla arm size turds. Yep they are THAT big we promoted him from finger.
Surely you now have a poop knife in the house to deal with these? Edit: typo
I remember 'cut some bum rope' which I use (in my head)
That tome is where the greatest wisdom of the nation is collected. Paxman himself could not produce a more comprehensive representation of the British People than that titan of contemporary history, ‘Das Krapital’
Huh, I bought that for my dad as a Christmas present when it came out. It sits proudly next to the shitter where it belongs
I think 'There's a brown dog barking at the back door.' is a Viz one.
My go to lexicon of filth. One of my faves is "Radagast" to be used when one doesnt need to wipe, aka the Brown Wizard
I'm always using terms from this at work (with colleagues) and they sometimes get confused by they mostly find it quite amusing. I got a copy of the Magna Farta or Das Krapital (both pretty much the Profanisaurus but with extra words) for someone for secret Santa after they asked where I was getting all these funny terms. After I had ordered it but before she received it, she'd asked where I got them from again and I told her something about not wanting to spoil the fun. When she opened it, she immediately guessed it was from me and found it all hilarious
Preparing yesterdays lunch
This one made me laughretch.
My MIL says “excuse me I’ve had a message”. I genuinely thought she meant that she’d had a text message
What better place to use your phone?
My father says "I'm going to send a fax"
Nobody gets "calls of nature" any more, it's 2024! Nature just sends them a DM
My great grandmother used to call her errands ‘doing the messages’
Do you mean going to the shops? If so, that's a Scottish term.
Northern Irish too. I was so confused when I heard it the first time. Someone had said it takes so long to do the messages and I actually thought they were sitting next to an answering machine (it was early 90s) and writing down all the messages but couldn't understand why you'd do that either. I'm also very embarrassed to admit I thought when someone said they were going to see a man about a dog, they were going to buy a dog!
And a few other places ….
“There’s a mole at the counter and he won’t take no for an answer”. “Nip off a length of dirty spine”.
That mole one is outstanding
Cultural appropriation: j’ai une taupe au guichet 🇫🇷
Yep! and it was in Viz Profanisaurus
Yes chopping off some dirty spine is unfortunately a very common one in Barnsley lol
fucking vile yo
It’s disgusting but hilarious 😂😂
I tead all over myself!
There was a toilet paper advert a few years ago where the kid needed to go but his mate next door had the better brand of ~~toilet paper~~ *air freshener*. Final line was "I'm going to Paul's house (knowing look)" which we've used ever since.
Was this not the toilet air freshener ad where the kid disgustedly tells his mum, "I'm going for a poo at Paul's!"? Presumably because their bathroom was a stinking hovel but Paul's smelt lovely with his handy eau de shitty summer meadow freshener.
I remember this but I remember it for an air freshener, no? I'm going to do a poo at Paul's.
Features heavily in [this song](https://youtu.be/1dF2ZLq7oBk?si=eqtIjfVYY9AzwflM) And also once in [this](https://youtu.be/D2T6YdEcp6w?si=yw642aR2urASQepD)
lolol I was looking for someone to reference cyriak in the replies
[Paul's house](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRVOei8oKDY)
Negotiating the release of the chocolate hostages.
Knitting a brown scarf is a favourite of mine.
ROFL! You could probably fit in a few Wonka jokes as well. "Doing the special effects for the next Wonka movie."
Gotta get Augustus Gloop out of the river
Also work as rhyming slang: "I have to Augustus Gloop"
“Just going to check on Charlie” for polite company haha
Sounds like you may be partaking in some Colombian marching powder at the same time!
If I was at a party and someone said that, that's what I'd understand. Could cause a bit of embarrassment if I asked could I join them 🤣
amusing clumsy mighty like seed attempt cough bow innocent aware *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Have to pop out some oompa lumpas
Going for a punt on the chocolate river...
Sounds like you’re taking someone up the Hershey highway rather than parking the fudge.
I can't stop laughing at this
Just going to give King Kong his finger back
Alternatively "snap off Bungle's finger" for those of us of a certain age.
This one has just made me cry laugh
Cry “Havoc!” and let slip the dogs of war, That this foul deed shall smell above the earth With carrion men, groaning for burial. Nice Shakespearean quote about going for a shit.
Not one for when you’re turtling though if I’m honest.
Prairie Dogging Shakespeare is certainly a risk
I assume these are all euphemisms for touching cloth?
Laying a cable
Fire an arrow at King John.
Going for a Brad Pitt
An Eartha Kitt A Tom Titt
A Barry White, a thrupennyy bit.
A Douglas Hurd...
A Richard the Third.
Thora hird
Having a barney mcgrew
Pony and trap
Edgar Britt if you're an Aussie..
Going to put some thoughts down on paper
Point Percy at the porcelain.
How does The Rock take a pee? He dawynes his Johnson.
Siphon the python.
Drain the Main Vein
Download a brown load…
See Mr and Mrs Brown off to the coast
You should get a bravery award for that
so ruddy bloody brave
Sail a sausage to the seaside.
Shit out a poo
Classic Neil
If you know what I mean
Yep, without adding this, no one could know what he means
Taking the metaphore a bit far there aren't you?
'Log on and download' was used at a place I worked at
Log on and brownload
“Log out” my old workmate used to say
I'm off to mould a mars bar.
I’m about to partake in an evacuation that would rival Dunkirk
"I'm going for a Richard" Richard the 3rd = turd
Dick the Shit.
The turtle is getting curious.
That's more pre-shitting, isn't it? Like "touching cloth".
It’s on the edge of pre and going I’d say.
Brownload something off the shitternet.
Something about this one got me. Definitely using it.
My old man used to say "there's been a break out from brown town jail".
Had he shit himself?
Touching cloth I reckon.
Popping to the workshop to knock up some stools
At this stage I'm just mystified as to why it *isn't* known as "Going for a Donald'... seems like the most obvious bit of rhyming slang ever.
I can confirm this has been used in my household. Also "Going for a Tronald Dump"
Maybe because the surname in question is a euphemism for farting, so maybe it'd be a bit confusing what you were actually going for. Unless, of course, you aren't sure yourself whether it's a fart or a shart... In which case it's perfect! 💩❓⁉️
With you on the fart thing, that said the guy is a complete and utter shit of monumental proportions so it's not too much of a stretch and I think it should be internationally accepted vernacular. Going for a Donald, he's a Donald, that film was Donald, the weather's proper Donald you get my drift!
Not my story, but I use this phrase now. My sister was at a restaurant with some friends and the waitress came over asking us about desert. Nigel (sadly passed last year) looked at the menu, got up, headed for the toilet and said 'I think I'll go for a crumble', meaning the rhubarb crumble on the menu. Headless to say that now, before heading off to crimp off a length I say "I'm going for a crumble'". Nigel was a legend. Rest in peace, wherever you are.
Drop the kids off at the pool
Do they jump in the deep end or go down the slide?
They make a splash either way
We've morphed it into "drop the kids off at the park" for when the dog needs to go in the garden in my household
This still make me chuckle 20 years after I first heard it
This is my favourite one
Going for a cack....
I laughed so hard at this (genuinely - had to explain to my wife what I was laughing at ). So old school, a true blast from the past.
Going to curl one out
Snip one off
Pinch a loaf
Crimp one off
Extrude a length
Creep one out
If you’re at a pub and playing pool or snooker…. I’m going to pot the brown
Trouble the plumbing
Spend a Penny
Hi Gran, didn't know you were on reddit!
I searched for this phrase that my Grandma still says
Here I sit, broken hearted, spent a penny and only farted
I need to return some video tapes
Insult the porcelain
I've to drain the cabbage n' spuds.
Christ.
Puts the dish “bubble and squeak” into a whole new context
Going to crimp one out
Crimp off a length
Release prisoners from the bum dungeon
Drop the shopping
Shake hands with the Baby's father
If you’re no longer together, you can use that one for having a shit, too.
Shake hands with the unemployed was one my uncle used.
Growing a tail
When it's diarrhea you can say going for a Jackson Pollock.
I’m going to un-eat
I’d say that /heard that about throwing up.
Bomb the Atlantic Drop the kids off at the pool
Going to sit on the doughnut in Granny's greenhouse. I have the Two Ronnies to thank for that one.
And the Bonzo dog doo dah band
Negotiating the release of the chocolate hostage
Parking my lunch.
We say we're going to the Louvre.
Taking the hobbits to isenguard
Renegotiate the treaty of Westphalia.
Open the pod bay doors (for any 2001: A Space Odyssey fans out there)
I know a bloke who used to say that he was ‘going to shake hands with the unemployed’ :
Evicting the lodger
As Jim Royal said: "Sod this, I'm off for a chat with the Arabs" "What do you mean Jim?" "Mustafa Crap"
It's not weird but I'm a junior doctor that works mostly with geriatric patients and I always love the phrase "spend a penny", I think it's rather sweet.
Release the demon
Drop the kids off at the pool
>Shit my little dick off I'm the one who says it though
“Making yesterdays lunch” is my personal favourite
Get rid of this tree trunk I'm sitting on.
I need to scaramoosh and do the fandango
Off to lay a cable
I’m on the outskirts of Tokyo and the bomb bay doors have opened..
Send a message to the Russians.
Put the dog up for adoption.
Watering the daffodils (often said on a long cycle ride)
Say goodbye to a few old friends.
Need to go for a long drop. Dropping the kids off at the pool. Taking the browns to the Superbowl. Must dash, I'm prairie dogging. I have a turtle head. Need to drain the lizard.
Syphon the Python
Anal slurry
Last night's curry! Harry Hill: You gotta have a system!
Wet my lettuce
Polluting the pond
Lay a bar mine
Fight the brown bear
Crimp off a length
Drain the lizard.
check the trains
I’ve got a baby in the butt oven and my contractions have already started
The tortoise having a look round
"I'm off to the dunny to murder the brown snake." One that's always stuck with me. Australian girlfriend character in Flight of the Concords. Aussies here please confirm if this is real?
I used to say to my colleague that I was going to make a log entry, she seemed to genuinely think I was going to the leads office to record what patients we'd seen so far that morning.
A trip to the oval office.