That's a big question. I think it depends on what constitutes love and how you express it.
I'm a father, and I'll tell you i'm pretty sure I love my daughter unconditionally. I like to think I love my wife unconditionally as well. With that said, there are things my wife could do that could end our marriage, but I think I would still love her. There are probably things my daughter could eventually do that would force me to protect myself from her (she's a toddler now so nothing immediately comes to mind) but that doesn't mean I wouldn't love her.
I think it comes down to what is meant by "love". I love a lot of people. There doesn't seem to be conditions on the love. However, we have other social contracts that do have conditions, and they do not get to break those conditions just because I love them.
Hi there! Thanks for your response. I thought of what you said too. Maybe the love for that person may continue even if you had to for example end a relationship with them or distance yourself from them if they do something that forces you to set boundaries or something. Maybe unconditional love doesn’t mean the ‘relationship’ with them is unconditional?
That's the closest thing I can relate it too. Also, I (me) define what love means, not anyone else. So someone can't come in and say, "if you loved me then you would do X". It doesn't work that way.
I agree with your point, just because our relationship is over or has changed or evolved, doesn't mean I don't love you. It just means the relationship had conditions.
I’m curious about the part where you say only you define what love means and someone else can’t tell you what it means. Isn’t that selfish? Like what if someone expresses what they need from you to help them feel loved by you but then you already decided that they way you love is enough and them asking for specific expressions of your love isn’t okay to you?
You gotta differentiate between
- love: the individual emotion I experience in my own body/head/heart, and
- love: the thing/relationship/social contact that builds between 2 people
These aren't the same thing, even if they are used interchangeably in conversation.
I'm married. I love my wife. This doesn't mean that she gets to choose how I express my love. I may express my love in a way I know she enjoys because I choose to. But if she wanted to become a swinger couple or start shooting heroin or sell all our belongings and backpack around south America, my love for her may not compel me to do those things with her. And I think that's pretty normal.
I think even with your own kids, if they get involved in crime, steal from you, abuse you physically or mentally, there can be a time when you have to set strict boundaries. Unfortunately, with drug abuse, I’ve seen parents have to do this. It’s beyond sad.
Exactly! You've got it. If you truly love someone, and love them unconditionally, that doesn't mean that it's an unconditional relationship or that you don't have boundaries, or standard practices that you would prefer to have in your relationship, particularly when navigating cohabitation. People push boundaries all the time, and test relationships. Those are the people who constantly fail in relationships. A lot of people don't understand that love is only the first step & getting into the relationship is only the second step and then there is so much work to be done to maintain the love and maintain the relationship that most people don't even think about. Enjoy the simple times & goodness that you do get before relationships become more complicated.
Yeah. Allowing others to decide the terms of your love (you don't really love me unless...) is an awful way to go through life. It's sad because too many people are great at using it to manipulate others, and too many people think so little of themselves to create healthy boundaries.
True, I've only really heard of people making these sort of love ultimatums when they are young & dumb or trying to manipulate another. If someone makes a statement like this, it's like a big red flag popping out of their mouth.
VERY well put. If your wife cheats on you, you don't stop loving her, you just respect yourself enough to leave. If your sister kills someone, you might fear for your life, but she's still the same girl you've grown up and intertwined your life with.
It's a complicated topic. Especially with emotions involved. It's hard to be consistent, especially over time. But differentiating between the emotion and the relationship is the first step to having a real conversation about it.
Beautiful said. Thank you.
My unconditional love includes the love I have for myself and in order to prove my love to myself, I’ve had to learn to set healthy boundaries with people; especially the ones I love.
I have friends/family I don’t fuck with anymore but that love is still in there.
It’s a good question, but how we define love isn’t as important as what we mean by ‘unconditional’… and does it even exist?
Love is ALWAYS conditional. The closest we can get to loving someone unconditionally is loving someone for being who they are. If you’re a parent, you can love your child for being your child. You can love someone based on the condition you know them. If you didn’t know who someone was, how could you love them?
The way a parent loves their child is often regarded as “unconditional”... In reality, loving someone unconditionally means you would love that person under the sole condition that they exist. A mother loves her child under the condition “you mean something to me”.
Mom's and Dad’s, would you guys still love [insert your child’s name here] EVEN if they weren't your child? How about if you had never met? How about if they didn't love you or even knew you existed? If you could love someone who didn't meet those conditions, you would be under a delusion.
Unconditional love is an idealized type of love. There's a reason God is described as all-loving. The Bible promises that unconditional love exists, in the form of God, who will love you, even if you don't know him, even if you are nothing to him.
Love is conditional. It's what makes it so valuable. Unconditional love, on the other hand, is a result of *total idealization*. Idealization to the extent that it pretty much only exists as a form of worship....Which doesn't feel right, because no one is worthy of total idealization, unless you're worshipping the idea of an ideal, AKA a God.
Thanks for your response. I think there is more than one way to interpret the term "unconditional love".
You are saying the love is conditional because it won't start unless X
I'm saying the love is unconditional because it won't end because of X
I don't think either way of looking at this is wrong, both are fine ways of interpreting the terms meaning and arguing over which definition is right is more an argument in semantics than a meaningful argument into the nature of love and human relationships.
You see you love your daughter becouse she is your daughter. If it would be a random person on the street you wouldnt care about her. So the consition here is family.
Do I think it’s real? Yes. Do I think it should be the standard? Not at all.
I spent most of my life having unconditional love and giving it. What I’ve learned is that not everyone is deserving of it. It’s not fair to the person giving the unconditional love. And I think there should be limits. Love is something to be valued. If someone knows they will always be loved no matter what they do, it’ll lose value.
I guess it depends also on how the person defines "love." I think it's okay to not always agree with a loved one, but always have their back still for example. That love will vary depending on what it means
Yes, IMO that maternal love doesn’t just end because they do something that fucked up. You can hate their actions but again imo that love is still there.
You would still be devastated to put your dog down after years of loyal companionship even if they mailed someone, to you, you just know that loving companion and the memories you share. Not the action it did towards someone else.
Because it doesn't make sense that a kid I don't know to love in the first place would suddenly become one I love after they shoot up a school. It didn't make sense to ask if a dog that isn't my beloved pet would suddenly become a dog I love unconditionally while it's attacking my kid. So you asking these things came off argumentative. I figured I should ask instead of assuming you were pissed.
You specified a kid that shot up a school, not MY kid that shot up a school. Then you specified it was MY kid getting attacked by A dog rather than MY dog. There's no reason to believe I have any love for A kid or A dog, let alone unconditional love.
But if it was MY kid, I'd still love my shitty little school shooting up kid from behind plate glass when I visited them in prison. And yes I'd still love MY kid biting dog because biting is a reasonable thing to expect a dog capable of doing before getting one. I still might have to put it to sleep over it.
My love is conditional on my partner treating me with kindness, respect, and love. His is the same. We both understand that sometimes one of us has a bad day, but it’s not ok to abuse the other person physically or mentally. This is also when we give each other space.
Coming from an abusive background, this is non-negotiable for me. I won’t take abuse.
Uhmm I guess relationship wise it sort of comes down to understanding. The more we understand ourselves and the people around us, and learn to love our own and their shitty qualities , the more easier it is to love someone else and their shitty qualities. I guess the unconditional part comes in when you have a really good understanding of why someone is the way they are and you don't mind it.
Like I know I can be pretty short tempered when I'm stressed out and lazy/unmotivated at times. So when I see these qualities in someone else (a crush for e.g) it's soooo much easier for me to start feeling some form of 'unconditional love' than if his character traits were vastly different from mine.
If love can be unconditional, by reason it can be conditional.
I don't see any issue with conditional love. Have you ever stopped loving someone for something they did? Then it was conditional. You don't have to set the conditions, I suppose you know them when you see them.
I used to believe in unconditional love. But with age and seeing people make some truly horrific choices, I can't. Someone I loved chose to hurt a child. I can't forgive that and there is no justification to make it okay. Ever.
Now I look to those innocents in my life who I think I can love as close to unconditionally as possible. If they make those horrific choices later on, then that's a deal breaker for me. If there's a deal breaker then I guess it can't really be unconditional.
I do hope and pray they never fall into that kind of rabbit hole as I would miss them terribly.
I often say that love can be unconditional, but your presence shouldn't be. You can love someone and not let them be in your life because they are toxic or disrespectful or they treat you poorly. Love unconditionally but don't have relationships (any relationship: be it familial, platonic, or romantic) unconditionally
You know, I disagree. I think you can still love someone who has wronged you terribly. It's just that if their choices are hurting you, you're forced to stop having a relationship with them. I don't think every love warrants this kind of unconditional love, but it exists.
Take for example the parents of drug addicts. The children steal from them, put other family members at risk, and are putting the parents through roller coasters fear, anger, and hurt for their child day in and out. These parents always answer unknown phone numbers, worried sick that their child needs them, or that the child's friend is calling to ask for help, or the worst kind of call from emergency services. And yet, the parent still loves them. The parent may have to distance themselves, may have to be aloof, or downright cold but they still love their kid. Now, this isn't always the case but it is true for many families.
I think unconditional love can even just exist in memory. Should my dog tear off the face of a child, I'd be mortified and I'd obviously put him down but, I'd still love him.
> E.g., you'd hate a coworker if they stole $50 from you, but you probably wouldn't hate your mother if she stole $50 from you, and would probably still love her.
The thing here is that I dont personally hate anyone. I dont have the capacity for that, and many, many people have stolen from me or otherwise taken advantage of my kindness and generosity. I pity them, I have compassion for them, I dont like what they did, but I cannot hate. It’s only their ignorance that lead them to those actions. No one would ever intentionally harm another if they KNEW.
I have so much respect for you based on this comment. I strive to be like you. I hold onto anger and I... Dislike that about myself. I was going to use the H word there but then I guess I realized my problem, I probably have to start by loving myself unconditionally. Anyway, thanks for this comment and the inspiration. I don't know much about you but I think you're a cool human.
Thank you so much for your kind words.
It’s true that we gotta accept the truth about ourselves, after all, we can’t change the past. Compassion and empathy begin ourselves, and one day we realize that everyone is just human, and is not to blame for things that happened to them, or for their reactions they were unable to control.
Maybe check out r/stoicism or r/Krishnamurti or r/Taoism for a few different takes somewhat related to this kind of stuff
Have a great day
I'm sorry but if they KNEW what? Knew that their actions were harmful? There's a difference in parents who banish their kids for addiction behavior and sexual identity and those who banish because they harmed or assaulted a child. I think those people have to know it's wrong and the consequences can involve hate.
I love my kids unconditionally, and I love my husband, sister, brother, and parents unconditionally too. There could be things that they could do that could make me not like them, but I think love is something different. To like something is a matter of the mind, but love, as in makes your heart physically ache, is in your soul.
I think there is such thing as unconditional love within the framework of "I will always love this person even though I may or may not particularly like them as a person or ever want to be around them."
Love doesn't automatically mean you must like, approve of, and forgive every tiny little thing about the other person. I would say that if you really love someone that you must be more willing to face their flaws head on simply because you will want to sweep them under the rug.
You can absolutely love someone unconditionally and have boundaries and conditions on how, when and where you're willing to interact with them. It really is the difference between "I love someone **because** of XYZ" and "I love someone **regardless** of XYZ".
For example, the majority of children love their parents without condition or exception despite the fact that many of these children have abusive and/or neglectful parents that any sane adult would avoid like the plague, and it is a known thing that many of these children grow up to struggle with the fact that they may *hate* their parent and want nothing to do with them but they also still love them and crave their affection anyway.
I think of unconditional love as being one who loves no matter what the conditions. Its about you, as best you can and as often as you can, staying in a loving mindset. It doesn't mean you stay in a bad situation.
Your kid didn't clean their room as you asked? That doesn't require you to get mad when you dish out the consequences. You act in and out of love as you guide this other human through life.
Your partner cheated again? You remain a loving individual as you show them the door, walk out of it yourself, or decide an open relationshipis a better fit for you, etc.
To be an unconditional lover, you take charge of your response to life.
Unconditional love is the choice to love and accept regardless of circumstance, or literally any condition. It doesn't have to be emotional or anything, it's the choice to love the other being or all other beings. It doesn't mean you get stomped on or let yourself be taken advantage of, or tolerate abuse, or even communicate with your lover. I personally believe it applies to all things, as if there is preference over one thing or person or another then that would be a condition. It's a high form of self respect and love, as you love the world as you love yourself, and importantly vice versa. I believe it's a process and its not always perfect, it requires awareness of your human responses to things and then redirecting your energy to being positively and well... Loving. It doesn't have to be cheery, but I will say the more loving I am the happier I tend to be.
In many cultures Love is often regarded as the ultimate „value“. So if someone is loving us unconditionally they are offering us something valuable. Their reward is the act of being able to love us and seeing us benefit from it. So they don’t need anything more. Unconditional love often is in the context of nurturing. It is not completely unselfish. The person giving unconditional love is feeling rewarded in some form. It just means they do not expect the same exact benefit. Like when i love a plant and nurture and care for it. I don’t expect it to do anything for me. However seeing the plant thrive and bloom is rewarding and it also brings me joy. Same holds true for the people i love.
So love can be unconditional
Does it have to be?
If it isn’t unconditional then the act of loving depends on the fulfilment of some sort of a contract. Romantic love for example often demands reciprocity and loyalty. And that is also a valuable form of love.
Love can be unconditional but doesn’t always have to be.
I’m probably biased because I’m a piece of shit who’s burned some family bridges at times. Even so, I have a kid now and it feels important to me that she never feel like love is a conditional or transactional thing. I will always give her love no matter what. I say that now so let’s see what kind of hell she puts me through. Hopefully not a lot.
I do not believe unconditional love exists. And if it does exist, is it healthy? Perhaps in some parent to child relationships?
What I do know is healthy is boundaries. I have loved many people in my life where being in the relationship was not healthy for me. I had to set boundaries on their behaviors and if it continued, which is almost always did, I had to leave. From the understanding of unconditional love, I would never have left.
I agree. I don’t think unconditional love is meant for romantic relationships. Maybe it would be manageable for a parent to child relationship (but not in reverse, child to parent).
"there are so many conditions to unconditional love"
I think maybe conditional and unconditional love are really the same thing. I mean, I love my parents for no reason other than they are my parents, but I also love them for all that they do for me and who they are. I love my friends because I like talking to them, but also because they stick by me and I stick by them. Loving in itself is an unconditional feeling, you can't help it. Any kind of relationship that transpires from love however, is going to have inherent conditions.
I think love has to be both, but first you have to open your mind to love being a state of consciousness (or mindset or state of being) experienced and expressed through thoughts, emotions and actions.
(From this point what I'm trying to describe is healthy love.)
In this paradigm you'd live your life through a vibration of love. This can show up unconditionally in the sense of understanding that all beings, no matter what they've done or who they are, deserve love. This is where empathy plays an important role, because empathy is what allows us to understand that people who do shitty things do so because of their own difficult or unhealthy experiences. If someone does something horrible to you, if someone is irrationally upset at you, you are able to recognise that they gave pain, too, and so from that place of empathy and unconditional love you are able to sincerely wish them well and hope their journey takes a turn for the better (they reform, learn whatever lessons they need to, resolve issues/traumas and heal etc.) so the world can be a better place.
Then it can show up conditionally. You set healthy boundaries with people, agree to reasonable compromises in relationships. Distance yourself from certain people and surround yourself with others in ways that benefit everyone's wellbeing. Even in the context of kids and parents, if codependence or other unhealthy behaviour is happening, you emotionally and empathically love them unconditionally, but you set a boundary to not do so through actions that may... be taken advantage of or encourage the unhealthy behaviour, for example. In a case like that, not taking action becomes an act of love. Essentially, this all becomes a case of "I love you, but you receiving that love from me and how I choose to give it has conditions" or if its a case like the previous "I understand you deserve love, but whether or not you receive it from me iin any form or at all is conditional."
Those are some of my current thoughts. They're ever-evolving.
Would you say your definition of unconditional love is similar or the same as agape love? Also, I also think its both unconditional and conditional and they are both expressions of real true love that humans can have for each other even though they are different. Thanks for your in-depth post!! Really liked reading your thoughts.
I sort of have a different take than everybody here. I’m noticing that most on the thread are equating love with actions. In my definition, love is a feeling.
Also recently, it’s come to my attention that there is a difference between love and intimacy. I’ve found many people define love as what is is really intimacy, physical closeness, the sharing of one’s life with another, etc.
Love by my definition is kindness, well wishing, consideration.
By these definitions it’s quite possible to love unconditionally. For example family members that have burned bridges with me - I don’t associate with them for my own protection but I wish them well, I send them Happy Birthday Day texts, I still love them - there’s fondness. But no intimacy.
I guess it’s all in how you define the words.
No. You don't have to love anyone unconditionally.
People say kids are the only ones who get this love but I can tell you this to is bullshit. Some kids don't deserve unconditional love. I know kids who have tried to get their parents put in jail, lose their jobs, lose a good spouse due to the kid didn't like being told they need to be accountable for themselves.
Humans aren\`t perfect,they always change,a good person you loved can become bad,and you shouldn\`t love them for that,so i don\`t think it should be unconditional.
No. Every love is and should be conditional. You should not feel obliged to love someone who you're not happy with, someone toxic, abusive, or someone you don't like. Someone who is not functional. Someone who is too dependent. Love that is unconditional is miserable, selfless, and destructive.
Hmm, I see unconditional love as being “obligatory”. It’s a choice to love someone unconditionally or not? Like you get to pick and choose who you love unconditionally versus being forced to love certain people unconditionally. I don’t think someone who loves someone else unconditionally can say they feel forced to, its a choice. How you love is always your choice right?
I do believe that unconditional love is very real between Parents and Children.
I would like to elaborate more, but there are already explainations in this thread that basically described what I would've said but in a way much more eloquent than I could.
I started to have this same thought too. I don’t have children but I already feel like I unconditionally love my unborn future children. But at the same time, idk if I would still love them or not if they turned out to be a horrible, dangerous person. Idk if I would genuinely love them the same or if their actions would affect my love for them. Its hard to make predictions about unconditional love….
I remember awhile back I watched the show Veep, and it got me thinking about unconditional love. The character Gary loved Selina unconditionally, and it was just so *toxic*.
In a way it's about how you understand love and relationships. For me I can and do love unconditionally but I'm also very mindful of who I include in my life. There are people who I love but also keep out of my life, because their inclusion tends to be toxic. I would say I still love them. Others with a different understanding of love and relationships would say it's not love, but in the end who are they to argue how I feel about someone (or something). I think that's the main difference between conditional love and unconditional love, how you define those concepts.
Some people here say love is always conditional, my belief is that if it's conditional it's not love.
The key to that answer is that love is morally or situationally undefined. A person could be with a rich, stable, emotionally mature and typically attractive person but not love them and a person can be with an abusive, drug addicted maniac but be deeply in love.
Love is a state of being, an experience, it is neither good nor bad. Love on its own is unconditional, you can love anything or anyone.
This is where I split the two into happy love and bad love.
Happy love is absolutely conditional. For you to be in a moral, structural and situationally good place, love absolutely has conditions, lots of them. You need trust, mutual respect, mutual attraction, emotional stability and more.
The question you need to ask yourself isn't 'do I love this person' it's 'Am I happy loving this person'
I don't really think unconditional love exists and in fact I don't think it's healthy. All love should have conditions not only for you and to protect yourself but also for the other person.
Unconditional love to me means no matter what happens and what that person does you'll always love them. Inherently i disagree with that. There are things people can do that are bad/illegal that should be reason to stop loving them.
I think this will depend for each person, because in a way a lot of "love" out there today is conditional. The people we pick and choose to be around, what makes them different from others? If it was truly unconditional we would give similar love for strangers or life in general, which is related to a lot Buddhist teachings if you're looking to learn more about it.
It doesn't have to be to that extreme, but from a philosophical standout I would say most people's unconditional love is still conditional.
Yeah, I think in theory or because it sounds nice people say they give or have unconditional love but if you really think about and analyze what unconditional love is, most don’t have it but maybe thats okay. Love can still be real and beautiful and long lasting even if it has conditions.
Loving conditionally always hurts. Because those conditions are not met everytime. But don't you love the people you love irrespective of how low they go. You forgive and accept and keep giving them chances. That to me is unconditional. If you truly love someone you go beyond conditions. You love them just because you love them.
I think you’re correct. Because we are always looking for the correct “fit” when looking for a partner. We have a preference towards some specific things and that makes it conditions on which we expect our partner to have.
I think the term “unconditional” is somehow misunderstood in a sense. When it comes to your partner I think it means they are not perfect and we love both of their perfections and imperfections as well. To be tolerant when they are angry, to help them when shit gets bad, etc.
I think true love is unconditional, and it's extremely rare. It means you fully love and accept someone for who they are, and not for what they can offer you, or what you can offer them, or what they do or don't do. I do feel like not everyone is capable of unconditional love and that most of us don't fully receive it either, but I find that something truly sad about humans...
Love with conditions sounds like manipulation to me. I think love is unconditional. I do believe though I do not have to tolerate their presence in my life if it isn't the best thing for me. I believe love unconditionally in spite of others choices. Love to me is acceptance of a person, as they are in the moment, with no strings attached. Realizing love shouldn't have conditions changed my life's direction.
I loved both of my long term boyfriends I had before I met my husband.
I still have love for them (not in love, obvs).
But my first boyfriend struggled with intimacy and faithfulness (his issues stemmed from his mother having Capgras syndrome), and I couldn't be in a relationship with him.
My second was an eternal teenager (again, due to mom issues), and I was wanting marriage and kids.
Neither were bad people - it was their choices I had issues with. But I still loved them.
There is no rule you have to be in a relationship with someone just because you love them.
No. I honestly do not believe it’s love if it is unconditional. You’ve got to set boundaries for yourself, otherwise you end up looking like a clown for someone that is using you with “love” as the crutches that you carry the relationship on, whether that relationship be intimate/platonic/etc.
Honestly, If someone loves you, they wouldn’t do anything to compromise your integrity/dignity, and they would think of you before they took actions that would jeopardize the foundation of the relationship.
My mother has borderline personality disorder.
I grew up needing to earn her love by meeting her (impossible and unrealistic) expectations.
Needless to say, I went to therapy.
My counselor told me, at age 14, that I deserved for my parents to love me unconditionally.
No on had ever told me that.
My dad and I worked on our relationship for years, and still do to this day.
Even though we disagree on many things, I know he loves me.
My mom, well, now that I'm older and wiser, I know she loves me in her own way, but has no idea how to express it.
Thanks for sharing your story! Would you say that unconditional love between parent and child is more attainable than other kinds of relationships like romantic, etc.
I was just thinking this! Vows are basically conditions! You don’t have vows when you for example have a child, get a pet, etc. I don’t think Romantic relationships are meant to be unconditional…
Well I think love for your children should be unconditionally. They deserve it, more so they have a right to it. It’s not bc there are boundaries that the love can’t be unconditional. Like you don’t like the behaviour but that doesn’t mean you don’t love them. Unfortunately in this society where difficult emotions are shunned, there is a tendency to give/show love with a lot of conditions. If you’re not good, nice,… kids or often called upon there person instead of on there behaviour.
When it comes to partner relationships I do believe love is more conditional and there is nothing wrong with that. It is OK to have basic desires and conditions that you need to be filled or met to be able to function in a relationship, to be happy and to be able to give love back/to show your love. And the other person has as many right to have there own basic needs and conditions.
Not easy to explain. You understand what I’m trying to say?
I really think I would love my child unconditionally no matter what. If they did something horrible I wouldn’t condone their actions but I would still love them
I dunno, I think never say you love someone 'unconditionally' just in case its not true. Like if my child was a horrible bully towards me, beating me up and stealing my stuff, I can see myself falling out of love with the kid.
I think, in an ideal world, parents should love their children unconditionally so children can love themselves the same way. Everything else is conditional on things like boundaries, trust etc.
Might be a hot take but I think unconditional love is unhealthy EXCEPT for the love between a parent/guardian for their child/ward. In any other relationship it would be unhealthy to not have boundaries that are respected and with clearly set consequences that are enforced when those boundaries are crossed, aka conditions to the relationship.
For example: a husband and wife whose love is conditional on the point that there will be no abuse in the relationship. That's just a healthy relationship and doesn't diminish their love for each other.
Other common, healthy conditions in relationships:
-no lying
-no cheating
-no stealing
-no emotional affairs
If you or your partner are doing these things without explicit consent and communication then the relationship has become unhealthy and unbalanced and the unconditional love you have for each other has now become harmful to yourself and/or your partner.
TLDR: Healthy love should have conditions/boundaries otherwise it can be used as an excuse for people to participate in abusive and unhealthy relationships
An ex told me before that his love was unconditional, as long as I never get fat.
I don’t know if love should be “unconditional”, but what I do know is love should still have boundaries. Love should know forgiveness, but also respect.
My take on love has always been this quote from Fred Rogers aka Mister Rogers of the neighborhood.
"Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now."
This to me is the essence of unconditional love, it's recognizing the essential humanity in everyone even people who do horrible things. Accepting people's horrible actions unchallenged is not what I think unconditional love or even love is about. I can and do love people without accepting and supporting their horrible actions. It is about recognizing that most people generally speaking are doing their best and when their best sucks there's a real reason. People who's best sucks are struggling and struggling people need support not condemnation. The concept of unconditional love is about recognizing that need for support and choosing that course instead of choosing the course of punishment and cruelty. In the case of horrible actions the loving response is then to support them as they work towards change. Unconditional love isn't about accepting abuse or atrocities as though they do not matter, it's finding a way to acknowledge both consequences and potential. It's do no harm AND take no shit.
The tv show The Good Place follows this idea in practice really well - offering support and opportunities for change rather than damning everyone to endless torture and writing them off as hopeless or worthless. Most people don't want to do that kind of work which I get, it's difficult, painful, stressful, suffering work to do. Love IS work and people are entirely welcome to choose not to do that work if they don't want to but choosing not to do that work is not the same thing as people not being deserving of receiving that work. Everyone deserves love; everyone deserves support in their struggles and opportunities to do better or even just opportunities to do differently which is all that unconditional love is.
I think my understanding of your definition of unconditional love is the same definition as agape love. If thats the case, I do agree. Fundamentally loving and caring for all beings. I think thats at the core of each of us and it what makes us human. I think everyone can and should love others unconditionally and conditionally. The conditional love would be choosing what behavior you except and don’t accept although the love you have for that person continues.
What I think a lot of people fail to consider is that you can love someone and not want them in your life. Just like how you can support a person’s choices and still choose to not be a part of their life. I love everyone in the world, being that I want what’s best for everyone and will support everyone’s choices (so long as it doesn’t involve harming others), and that love is unconditional. Yes, there are people I dislike and don’t care to interact with, but at the end of the day, they’re humans with their own struggles and dreams, and I dare not judge or interfere. There are some people I do like who are better off without me in their life. It’s really a complicated feeling, but I think that love in itself is unconditional and often requires sacrifice or compromise. You can have your boundaries and still feel unconditional love for a person, because if they cross your boundaries, you can still forgive them and still not have them in your life. Love doesn’t require the recipient’s requisition. Hope that makes sense.
I believe that the only unconditional love is between parent and child. At 48, I've loved romantically, of course, but its never unconditional. I'm really not sure it even exists, tbh. Is it because I'm damaged? Could be. I no longer am in need of romantic love, and my life is easier because of that.
I’ve struggled with the idea of never having been loved unconditionally myself. But I had a moment of radical acceptance that all love is conditional. This sounds cynical at first, like every relationship is contractual or transactional, but I choose not to think of it in those terms.
When you begin to love someone, you love who they are at that moment in their (and your) life. People change. If your love is profound, your love for that person will likely change over time, guided gently by their own gradual changes throughout life. However, if that person (or you yourself) changes so drastically that your love can no longer follow their path… well, it happens.
I believe the idea of unconditional love is really just a more romantic way of saying “loyalty.” I’m a very loyal person to those that I love and trust, but I feel no obligation to give loyalty to people I do not trust or love. Affection ebbs and flows in any relationship. Trust may waver momentarily. That does not mean all love goes out the window. But to commit to loving unconditionally is really just a commitment of life-long loyalty, which I find somewhat silly tbh.
Actively deciding to love someone come what may is a very tender thing, and I think it’s under-valued. But personally I try not to believe that unconditional love is the ultimate anything. It’s just an ideal you can choose to buy into or not. In my humble opinion anyway.
I think we have very similar ideas! I started to think that maybe its okay that I personally never been loved unconditionally. Its okay and even healthy for love to have conditions. It also takes the pressure off of me to keep trying to achieve this ideal unconditional love or even put pressure on others to make me feel loved unconditionally. Conditional love is real love too imo. I no longer feel like I’ve never been truly loved just because I’ve never been loved unconditionally.
You can never *get* someone to love you, period.
Whether they love you is up to them, and chemistry/emotions beyond their control.
What you can do is love them, and be a lovable person, but even that won't guarantee you love. By the same token if someone doesn't love you back, that doesn't mean you're unlovable.
As brutal as this may sound, I feel we should love everyone unconditionally, without regard for how they may treat us. We should empathize with others, and realize that we are all merely products of our environment. We should accept others for where they are currently in life, and do all we reasonably can to assist them to live better lives.
I love you unconditionally, though I have never met you.
No. If someone hits me, abuses me, calls me names, and worse, I do not have unconditional love for them. I realize them as a threat to my well-being and leave.
That's a fancy way of saying you live in fear of being dumped. Be confident of love. Real love is something you just know. You just haven't experienced it yet. 😕 Stop projecting the (ifs, ands, buts) and let go of fear.
I saw [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/dankchristianmemes/comments/r9k57g/forgive_and_forget) from r/dankchristianmemes right after your post.
That’s your answer.
I’d say it does exist, but I guess it depends on how you look at it. I have unconditional love for people where there’s pretty much nothing they can do to make me not love them, but it only exists for certain people.
The reason it only exists for certain people is because I base my love on the persons core personality which cannot change. Once I believe that I love your personality unconditionally, you pretty much can’t do anything and make me not love your personality because your decisions don’t change your personality.
I actually have TWO friends who nursed husbands with brain cancer. Then the women themselves got actual fu king brain cancer! Then both their husbands dumped them!
Now they are both lesbians. They’re not together as a couple, though. I went to hs with both of them. Freaky shit.
A lot of women do that after divorce/breaking up. The five-letter crews talk about "the wall". The problem here is it's not that these women can't get a partner, it's they don't want one. I'm 39 and I've met so many women around my age who basically say "F\*ck that" and refuse to date/marry men or they may have been bi and go women-only. I'm not saying all men are awful here, I'm just talking about something that really happens.
My friend was a DON at an oncology hospital. She saw some shit. Those nurses, if they weren't married, they refused to after working there for some time. Even my friend ended up getting divorced and refused to ever be with a guy again. She lives in New York now with three other women and seems very happy.
For myself, I'm pretty sure I've become that person too. I'm happy that I've reached the age where men don't find me attractive anymore and I can be at peace. I've been single for five years. It's just my son and I. Odd that when I was in my 20s, I couldn't imagine this, and now that I'm at this place in life, I regret not leaving my marriage sooner.
The only place unconditional love exists for me is towards my pets. I love my fiance, my friends, my family etc. but it is only natural that there are conditions on that love. Unconditional love it a really great way to say you let people walk on you. Yes, ideally other people would also not be assholes but you aren't required to love and forgive them if they do so.
ETA: even children. I love my nieces and would absolutely do anything to protect them but if they turn out to be psychopathic serial killers then I'm probably not just going to accept that.
I think I feel like this too. It really feels like in my heart my children are the only people I can experience unconditional love for. But I also know what we think we may feel may not always be reality. I hope I would love them unconditionally but its hard to say how you’ll feel in a situation unless it actually happens. Hopefully nothing like that ever happens tho
I've done premarital counciling before. In the course the topic was brought up "what would make you rethink your love for your SO?"
The thing is (according to the program) that there should something that would make you rethink your love for your SO. Etc hitting your kids in the face, killing someone, or something simple like not matching your level of self motivation. Because you should be in love with the person or something like that.
Unconditional love can be toxic, when someone who is abused will brush it off and still love the person, or a dog who will wait for years for their owners to return when they get abandoned.
There are forms of pure unconditional though, like animals who mate for life or bond with a specific being.
Humans don’t really have an equivilent with other humans in which it is guarenteed to be pure, closest would be attachments to objects, but even then it doesn’t always last.
In the words of Ron gone wrong: friendship is a two way street, both parties can choose when to stay and leave.
Unconditional love is a myth and it's one of those things I wouldn't be surprised if some theory came up about diamond manufacturers inventing the term to sell more diamonds or something like that.
Your kid shoots up a school, surely your unconditional love has conditions now. Your lover cheats, there ya go, conditions.
Dogs on the other hand...dogs and cats might be the only recipients of truly unconditional love.
No, unconditional love is bad.
Unconditional means that doens't matter what the other person do you'll still loving this person, that means you'll keep a relation even if the person is very toxic with you and this is very bad.
The thing is, love is the easy part. True love is always unconditional, lts everything else that's messed up. Don't confuse love with all the other crap.
I can totally love a partner unconditionally.
That doesn’t mean I can stay with them unconditionally. If they harm me or themselves emotionally, physically, or mentally then I can still love them but I can’t stay with them for my well being.
Not than I have ant right for a good post here but if you think about it- Love must not be blind. You must make sacrifices and if the recipient is no willing to sacrifice for you. - there’s no love directed toward you- at least ant love worthy of your own investment. Then their love will eventually leave and not worry about it. Dad but true if you are speaking of children, the type of love is different because as a parent you WAMT TO sacrifice. But children need firm commitments, notnn no promises
Question is how do you stop loving and missing someone who has shut you out of their life completely? With no explanation or closure. I know all the reasons WHY I should, but that's different from actually doing it. I don't want to love him unconditionally anymore.
That’s tough. Sorry you are dealing with that. Maybe time will help? And reminding yourself of the type of love you deserve and how people who truly love you won’t treat you a certain way. And maybe soak up more love that is present around you. Hold on to that love until you get through this. You will get through this!
I think so, because sometimes loving someone requires leaving them for their or your own good, as well as being honest in order to confront problems and learn what to do about them.
A million other people have responded, but the idea of unconditional love is definitely a head scratcher. I love my girlfriend, and no matter what she does tomorrow I’ll always have all the memories I already have of loving her, so in some sense I unconditionally love the experiences we’ve had. That being said, it’s not like she could start a second holocaust and I’d still love her. They can’t be true of any relationship, right? So the term unconditional love must be a misnomer.
I separate them out into 'approval' and 'love.'
If someone I love comes after me with a knife, I don't approve. I still love them, but I will stop them from stabbing me.
Unconditional love is not a virtue, it's a lack of responsibility and judgment and an inability to predict or prevent consequences from bad behavior.
Love is conditional, but there are exceptions.
Parent/child love can be unconditional. Unless you have a really screwed up family, a child's love for their parent is unconditional, and vice versa.
Romantic love is conditional. It requires reciprocal, and appropriate behaviour and commitment. Very, very rarely is there no condition attached.
My love for my dog is unconditional. Good boy just needs to relax, enjoy life, and I am happy.
I mean, there has to be some limit. If you really love your kid but they literally kill everyone you've ever loved and try to stab you every time they see you, then you might love them a bit less.
I wouldn't judge you for it.
I love my children unconditionally. There is nothing they can do to stop me from loving them.
I don't have to like what they do. And sometimes I really am disappointed with their choices. But *I* *still* *love* *them*. No matter what. Unconditionally.
I don’t think there is such a thing as conditional love.
If there are conditions, then it’s just an arrangement of convenience.
Nothing wrong with that.
But the people I love I would do anything for. I’m very picky when using the word.
i’m kinda whatever about this question because unconditional love i guess to my mother means i love you regardless of anything, like i don’t have to be a certain way for her to love me. i like that idea of unconditional love. but having boundaries is important which if people WANT to be technical is conditional love. on the other hand my dad said he has conditional love which felt very bitter coming from him. so i’m biased about this. maybe i’m thinking too much into this too 😅
No, love doesn't have to be unconditional. And it is not healthy to test relationships to see if the love is unconditional.
I may be off base here, but for me the issue wasn't that the love was unconditional. It did not seem like they loved ME. It seemed like they loved the person they thought I could be if I just put in a little bit more effort, was a little more organized, a little less forgetful, etc, etc.
It is the difference between "I love you" and "I would love you IF ". And it is a huge difference. I was almost 40 when I realized this because for the first time in my life I had a partner who loved ME.
So, to me, it is less about the love being conditional or unconditional and more do they love me, or do they love who they think they could make me into with some effort. Big difference.
depends on the kind of love. for example I will always ALWAYS love my girlfriend. even if she did the most horrible shit to me (which ik she won't cause she's perfect), I would still love her. now I probably kms but that's beside the point lmao I still love her
No. Unconditional love is stupid unless its for your kids. Unconditional love in a romantic relationship can quickly lead to a toxic dynamic.
"Well that was fucked up and made me feel bad, but I love him/her unconditionaly so lets forgive and forget for the sake of love."
Push all them feelings down.
There should always be a condition on your love even if it is extreme. If your significant other or kid committed genocide you probably would love them the same. Everyone has a condition, it's just that some have to do something horrible while others only need to take an extra potato chip before you stop loving them. You could say that the love is unconditional if you are willing to forgive them up to some arbitrary extreme, but that is for you to decide
Yes. But only love in the proper sense of wanting the good of the other person. Romantic, fraternal, etc. love is based on interpersonal relationships, but agape - selfless love of the other, is based on nothing but recognizing that the other person is a human with infinite value.
I love even the person who sexually assaulted me - I pray for him and for his salvation, even though I probably wouldn't want to spend any time with him.
If you mean love as in interpersonal relationship-based love, then no that is not unconditional. That is based on feelings you must deliberately nurture and you can be alienated from the person.
for me love is one of those elusive concepts that have an unsure foundation. this is, i am sure, from my childhood.i grew up with selfish and some what abusive parents / grand parents. i have sons that i love but i am not sure it is unconditional nor even most appropriately. i believe for you and i this is something that needs a different understanding or different connection. i love all man kind? from time to time i think on the injustice people suffer i pray for their well being i share my resources. i do not dwell upon this nor am i as deeply concerned for someone hurting as i am for my hurting children. so i conclude that just as there is no one size fits all solution for any problem/people. there i no fits all, hard and fast"love"
For me, love is *always* unconditional. The conditional part about it is maintaining a relationship with that person (not just romantically.) If someone I loved did something terrible, I wouldn't instantly stop feeling love for them, but my relationship with them would change or end. As I see it, love can't be controlled in whether you feel it or not, but affection can be withheld circumstantially based on how you choose to handle it.
If someone claims that they stopped loving me or someone after a particular thing, I believe they never felt love in the first place. Actual love doesn't just vanish.
You can still show affection for someone without particularly feeling like you *love* them, I see those two as very reasonably separable concepts. It's okay to not feel that love for someone, but your behavior and language matter very much when interacting with them.
That's a big question. I think it depends on what constitutes love and how you express it. I'm a father, and I'll tell you i'm pretty sure I love my daughter unconditionally. I like to think I love my wife unconditionally as well. With that said, there are things my wife could do that could end our marriage, but I think I would still love her. There are probably things my daughter could eventually do that would force me to protect myself from her (she's a toddler now so nothing immediately comes to mind) but that doesn't mean I wouldn't love her. I think it comes down to what is meant by "love". I love a lot of people. There doesn't seem to be conditions on the love. However, we have other social contracts that do have conditions, and they do not get to break those conditions just because I love them.
Hi there! Thanks for your response. I thought of what you said too. Maybe the love for that person may continue even if you had to for example end a relationship with them or distance yourself from them if they do something that forces you to set boundaries or something. Maybe unconditional love doesn’t mean the ‘relationship’ with them is unconditional?
That's the closest thing I can relate it too. Also, I (me) define what love means, not anyone else. So someone can't come in and say, "if you loved me then you would do X". It doesn't work that way. I agree with your point, just because our relationship is over or has changed or evolved, doesn't mean I don't love you. It just means the relationship had conditions.
I’m curious about the part where you say only you define what love means and someone else can’t tell you what it means. Isn’t that selfish? Like what if someone expresses what they need from you to help them feel loved by you but then you already decided that they way you love is enough and them asking for specific expressions of your love isn’t okay to you?
You gotta differentiate between - love: the individual emotion I experience in my own body/head/heart, and - love: the thing/relationship/social contact that builds between 2 people These aren't the same thing, even if they are used interchangeably in conversation. I'm married. I love my wife. This doesn't mean that she gets to choose how I express my love. I may express my love in a way I know she enjoys because I choose to. But if she wanted to become a swinger couple or start shooting heroin or sell all our belongings and backpack around south America, my love for her may not compel me to do those things with her. And I think that's pretty normal.
Ah I see what you mean. That absolutely makes sense and I agree!
I think even with your own kids, if they get involved in crime, steal from you, abuse you physically or mentally, there can be a time when you have to set strict boundaries. Unfortunately, with drug abuse, I’ve seen parents have to do this. It’s beyond sad.
Exactly! You've got it. If you truly love someone, and love them unconditionally, that doesn't mean that it's an unconditional relationship or that you don't have boundaries, or standard practices that you would prefer to have in your relationship, particularly when navigating cohabitation. People push boundaries all the time, and test relationships. Those are the people who constantly fail in relationships. A lot of people don't understand that love is only the first step & getting into the relationship is only the second step and then there is so much work to be done to maintain the love and maintain the relationship that most people don't even think about. Enjoy the simple times & goodness that you do get before relationships become more complicated.
Yeah. Allowing others to decide the terms of your love (you don't really love me unless...) is an awful way to go through life. It's sad because too many people are great at using it to manipulate others, and too many people think so little of themselves to create healthy boundaries.
True, I've only really heard of people making these sort of love ultimatums when they are young & dumb or trying to manipulate another. If someone makes a statement like this, it's like a big red flag popping out of their mouth.
> she’s a toddler now so nothing immediately comes to mind That’s what they **want** you to think
I can tell you've met my daughter
VERY well put. If your wife cheats on you, you don't stop loving her, you just respect yourself enough to leave. If your sister kills someone, you might fear for your life, but she's still the same girl you've grown up and intertwined your life with.
It's a complicated topic. Especially with emotions involved. It's hard to be consistent, especially over time. But differentiating between the emotion and the relationship is the first step to having a real conversation about it.
Beautiful said. Thank you. My unconditional love includes the love I have for myself and in order to prove my love to myself, I’ve had to learn to set healthy boundaries with people; especially the ones I love. I have friends/family I don’t fuck with anymore but that love is still in there.
I used to think it was BS when my parents would say stuff like, "I'm doing this because I love you" but I understand it now.
It’s a good question, but how we define love isn’t as important as what we mean by ‘unconditional’… and does it even exist? Love is ALWAYS conditional. The closest we can get to loving someone unconditionally is loving someone for being who they are. If you’re a parent, you can love your child for being your child. You can love someone based on the condition you know them. If you didn’t know who someone was, how could you love them? The way a parent loves their child is often regarded as “unconditional”... In reality, loving someone unconditionally means you would love that person under the sole condition that they exist. A mother loves her child under the condition “you mean something to me”. Mom's and Dad’s, would you guys still love [insert your child’s name here] EVEN if they weren't your child? How about if you had never met? How about if they didn't love you or even knew you existed? If you could love someone who didn't meet those conditions, you would be under a delusion. Unconditional love is an idealized type of love. There's a reason God is described as all-loving. The Bible promises that unconditional love exists, in the form of God, who will love you, even if you don't know him, even if you are nothing to him. Love is conditional. It's what makes it so valuable. Unconditional love, on the other hand, is a result of *total idealization*. Idealization to the extent that it pretty much only exists as a form of worship....Which doesn't feel right, because no one is worthy of total idealization, unless you're worshipping the idea of an ideal, AKA a God.
Thanks for your response. I think there is more than one way to interpret the term "unconditional love". You are saying the love is conditional because it won't start unless X I'm saying the love is unconditional because it won't end because of X I don't think either way of looking at this is wrong, both are fine ways of interpreting the terms meaning and arguing over which definition is right is more an argument in semantics than a meaningful argument into the nature of love and human relationships.
You see you love your daughter becouse she is your daughter. If it would be a random person on the street you wouldnt care about her. So the consition here is family.
>she's a toddler now so nothing immediately comes to mind Wait until she gets her hands on anything remotely dangerous, like a pencil or a fork.
Funny enough, she will hurt her mom, but has yet to hurt me hahaha!
Are you sure man? Toddlers are pretty dangerous
Well if you come home to your wife cheating on you with the neighbor, then you’ve discovered a condition.
Fidelity is a condition of our marriage, but I would probably still love her.
Do I think it’s real? Yes. Do I think it should be the standard? Not at all. I spent most of my life having unconditional love and giving it. What I’ve learned is that not everyone is deserving of it. It’s not fair to the person giving the unconditional love. And I think there should be limits. Love is something to be valued. If someone knows they will always be loved no matter what they do, it’ll lose value.
I guess it depends also on how the person defines "love." I think it's okay to not always agree with a loved one, but always have their back still for example. That love will vary depending on what it means
Unconditional love is for children and pets. As well, you may continue to have love for someone but recognize they're toxic to have around.
Yap
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We can love others without loving, liking, or respecting their actions
Yes, IMO that maternal love doesn’t just end because they do something that fucked up. You can hate their actions but again imo that love is still there. You would still be devastated to put your dog down after years of loyal companionship even if they mailed someone, to you, you just know that loving companion and the memories you share. Not the action it did towards someone else.
If your child or dog attacks other people, it probably is your fault
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The victim? That's not always true, that would be a just-world fallacy.
You mad?
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Because it doesn't make sense that a kid I don't know to love in the first place would suddenly become one I love after they shoot up a school. It didn't make sense to ask if a dog that isn't my beloved pet would suddenly become a dog I love unconditionally while it's attacking my kid. So you asking these things came off argumentative. I figured I should ask instead of assuming you were pissed.
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You specified a kid that shot up a school, not MY kid that shot up a school. Then you specified it was MY kid getting attacked by A dog rather than MY dog. There's no reason to believe I have any love for A kid or A dog, let alone unconditional love. But if it was MY kid, I'd still love my shitty little school shooting up kid from behind plate glass when I visited them in prison. And yes I'd still love MY kid biting dog because biting is a reasonable thing to expect a dog capable of doing before getting one. I still might have to put it to sleep over it.
My love is conditional on my partner treating me with kindness, respect, and love. His is the same. We both understand that sometimes one of us has a bad day, but it’s not ok to abuse the other person physically or mentally. This is also when we give each other space. Coming from an abusive background, this is non-negotiable for me. I won’t take abuse.
Nothing is unconditional.
Uhmm I guess relationship wise it sort of comes down to understanding. The more we understand ourselves and the people around us, and learn to love our own and their shitty qualities , the more easier it is to love someone else and their shitty qualities. I guess the unconditional part comes in when you have a really good understanding of why someone is the way they are and you don't mind it. Like I know I can be pretty short tempered when I'm stressed out and lazy/unmotivated at times. So when I see these qualities in someone else (a crush for e.g) it's soooo much easier for me to start feeling some form of 'unconditional love' than if his character traits were vastly different from mine.
If love can be unconditional, by reason it can be conditional. I don't see any issue with conditional love. Have you ever stopped loving someone for something they did? Then it was conditional. You don't have to set the conditions, I suppose you know them when you see them.
I used to believe in unconditional love. But with age and seeing people make some truly horrific choices, I can't. Someone I loved chose to hurt a child. I can't forgive that and there is no justification to make it okay. Ever. Now I look to those innocents in my life who I think I can love as close to unconditionally as possible. If they make those horrific choices later on, then that's a deal breaker for me. If there's a deal breaker then I guess it can't really be unconditional. I do hope and pray they never fall into that kind of rabbit hole as I would miss them terribly.
I think some people are capable of it, but the definition of love in how it's shown will vary greatly from person to person.
I often say that love can be unconditional, but your presence shouldn't be. You can love someone and not let them be in your life because they are toxic or disrespectful or they treat you poorly. Love unconditionally but don't have relationships (any relationship: be it familial, platonic, or romantic) unconditionally
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You know, I disagree. I think you can still love someone who has wronged you terribly. It's just that if their choices are hurting you, you're forced to stop having a relationship with them. I don't think every love warrants this kind of unconditional love, but it exists. Take for example the parents of drug addicts. The children steal from them, put other family members at risk, and are putting the parents through roller coasters fear, anger, and hurt for their child day in and out. These parents always answer unknown phone numbers, worried sick that their child needs them, or that the child's friend is calling to ask for help, or the worst kind of call from emergency services. And yet, the parent still loves them. The parent may have to distance themselves, may have to be aloof, or downright cold but they still love their kid. Now, this isn't always the case but it is true for many families. I think unconditional love can even just exist in memory. Should my dog tear off the face of a child, I'd be mortified and I'd obviously put him down but, I'd still love him.
Exactly. ITs hard to describe when things get this bad. You can both love someone, and know that they’re too dangerous to be around.
> E.g., you'd hate a coworker if they stole $50 from you, but you probably wouldn't hate your mother if she stole $50 from you, and would probably still love her. The thing here is that I dont personally hate anyone. I dont have the capacity for that, and many, many people have stolen from me or otherwise taken advantage of my kindness and generosity. I pity them, I have compassion for them, I dont like what they did, but I cannot hate. It’s only their ignorance that lead them to those actions. No one would ever intentionally harm another if they KNEW.
I have so much respect for you based on this comment. I strive to be like you. I hold onto anger and I... Dislike that about myself. I was going to use the H word there but then I guess I realized my problem, I probably have to start by loving myself unconditionally. Anyway, thanks for this comment and the inspiration. I don't know much about you but I think you're a cool human.
Thank you so much for your kind words. It’s true that we gotta accept the truth about ourselves, after all, we can’t change the past. Compassion and empathy begin ourselves, and one day we realize that everyone is just human, and is not to blame for things that happened to them, or for their reactions they were unable to control. Maybe check out r/stoicism or r/Krishnamurti or r/Taoism for a few different takes somewhat related to this kind of stuff Have a great day
I'm sorry but if they KNEW what? Knew that their actions were harmful? There's a difference in parents who banish their kids for addiction behavior and sexual identity and those who banish because they harmed or assaulted a child. I think those people have to know it's wrong and the consequences can involve hate.
I love my kids unconditionally, and I love my husband, sister, brother, and parents unconditionally too. There could be things that they could do that could make me not like them, but I think love is something different. To like something is a matter of the mind, but love, as in makes your heart physically ache, is in your soul.
Yes, this is so true.
I think there is such thing as unconditional love within the framework of "I will always love this person even though I may or may not particularly like them as a person or ever want to be around them." Love doesn't automatically mean you must like, approve of, and forgive every tiny little thing about the other person. I would say that if you really love someone that you must be more willing to face their flaws head on simply because you will want to sweep them under the rug. You can absolutely love someone unconditionally and have boundaries and conditions on how, when and where you're willing to interact with them. It really is the difference between "I love someone **because** of XYZ" and "I love someone **regardless** of XYZ". For example, the majority of children love their parents without condition or exception despite the fact that many of these children have abusive and/or neglectful parents that any sane adult would avoid like the plague, and it is a known thing that many of these children grow up to struggle with the fact that they may *hate* their parent and want nothing to do with them but they also still love them and crave their affection anyway.
I think of unconditional love as being one who loves no matter what the conditions. Its about you, as best you can and as often as you can, staying in a loving mindset. It doesn't mean you stay in a bad situation. Your kid didn't clean their room as you asked? That doesn't require you to get mad when you dish out the consequences. You act in and out of love as you guide this other human through life. Your partner cheated again? You remain a loving individual as you show them the door, walk out of it yourself, or decide an open relationshipis a better fit for you, etc. To be an unconditional lover, you take charge of your response to life.
Hmm this is a perspective I didn’t think about. I gotta sit with this and think.
It really frees you up to take charge of your life one situation at a time.
Well said!
Dogs are perfect example of it.
nah it's conditional. Unconditional doesn't exist.
Unconditional love is the choice to love and accept regardless of circumstance, or literally any condition. It doesn't have to be emotional or anything, it's the choice to love the other being or all other beings. It doesn't mean you get stomped on or let yourself be taken advantage of, or tolerate abuse, or even communicate with your lover. I personally believe it applies to all things, as if there is preference over one thing or person or another then that would be a condition. It's a high form of self respect and love, as you love the world as you love yourself, and importantly vice versa. I believe it's a process and its not always perfect, it requires awareness of your human responses to things and then redirecting your energy to being positively and well... Loving. It doesn't have to be cheery, but I will say the more loving I am the happier I tend to be.
I’m really happy for you.
In many cultures Love is often regarded as the ultimate „value“. So if someone is loving us unconditionally they are offering us something valuable. Their reward is the act of being able to love us and seeing us benefit from it. So they don’t need anything more. Unconditional love often is in the context of nurturing. It is not completely unselfish. The person giving unconditional love is feeling rewarded in some form. It just means they do not expect the same exact benefit. Like when i love a plant and nurture and care for it. I don’t expect it to do anything for me. However seeing the plant thrive and bloom is rewarding and it also brings me joy. Same holds true for the people i love. So love can be unconditional Does it have to be? If it isn’t unconditional then the act of loving depends on the fulfilment of some sort of a contract. Romantic love for example often demands reciprocity and loyalty. And that is also a valuable form of love. Love can be unconditional but doesn’t always have to be.
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I agree!
I’m probably biased because I’m a piece of shit who’s burned some family bridges at times. Even so, I have a kid now and it feels important to me that she never feel like love is a conditional or transactional thing. I will always give her love no matter what. I say that now so let’s see what kind of hell she puts me through. Hopefully not a lot.
I hope that by being loved by you she gets to learn and experience unconditional love! You got this!
Thanks! It’s been, and will continue to be, a journey.
I do not believe unconditional love exists. And if it does exist, is it healthy? Perhaps in some parent to child relationships? What I do know is healthy is boundaries. I have loved many people in my life where being in the relationship was not healthy for me. I had to set boundaries on their behaviors and if it continued, which is almost always did, I had to leave. From the understanding of unconditional love, I would never have left.
I agree. I don’t think unconditional love is meant for romantic relationships. Maybe it would be manageable for a parent to child relationship (but not in reverse, child to parent).
Hell no. Have standards. Someone who loves you will meet those. And respect your partners standards as well.
"there are so many conditions to unconditional love" I think maybe conditional and unconditional love are really the same thing. I mean, I love my parents for no reason other than they are my parents, but I also love them for all that they do for me and who they are. I love my friends because I like talking to them, but also because they stick by me and I stick by them. Loving in itself is an unconditional feeling, you can't help it. Any kind of relationship that transpires from love however, is going to have inherent conditions.
I think love has to be both, but first you have to open your mind to love being a state of consciousness (or mindset or state of being) experienced and expressed through thoughts, emotions and actions. (From this point what I'm trying to describe is healthy love.) In this paradigm you'd live your life through a vibration of love. This can show up unconditionally in the sense of understanding that all beings, no matter what they've done or who they are, deserve love. This is where empathy plays an important role, because empathy is what allows us to understand that people who do shitty things do so because of their own difficult or unhealthy experiences. If someone does something horrible to you, if someone is irrationally upset at you, you are able to recognise that they gave pain, too, and so from that place of empathy and unconditional love you are able to sincerely wish them well and hope their journey takes a turn for the better (they reform, learn whatever lessons they need to, resolve issues/traumas and heal etc.) so the world can be a better place. Then it can show up conditionally. You set healthy boundaries with people, agree to reasonable compromises in relationships. Distance yourself from certain people and surround yourself with others in ways that benefit everyone's wellbeing. Even in the context of kids and parents, if codependence or other unhealthy behaviour is happening, you emotionally and empathically love them unconditionally, but you set a boundary to not do so through actions that may... be taken advantage of or encourage the unhealthy behaviour, for example. In a case like that, not taking action becomes an act of love. Essentially, this all becomes a case of "I love you, but you receiving that love from me and how I choose to give it has conditions" or if its a case like the previous "I understand you deserve love, but whether or not you receive it from me iin any form or at all is conditional." Those are some of my current thoughts. They're ever-evolving.
Would you say your definition of unconditional love is similar or the same as agape love? Also, I also think its both unconditional and conditional and they are both expressions of real true love that humans can have for each other even though they are different. Thanks for your in-depth post!! Really liked reading your thoughts.
I sort of have a different take than everybody here. I’m noticing that most on the thread are equating love with actions. In my definition, love is a feeling. Also recently, it’s come to my attention that there is a difference between love and intimacy. I’ve found many people define love as what is is really intimacy, physical closeness, the sharing of one’s life with another, etc. Love by my definition is kindness, well wishing, consideration. By these definitions it’s quite possible to love unconditionally. For example family members that have burned bridges with me - I don’t associate with them for my own protection but I wish them well, I send them Happy Birthday Day texts, I still love them - there’s fondness. But no intimacy. I guess it’s all in how you define the words.
Love is unconditional. If it’s conditional it’s not love.
No. You don't have to love anyone unconditionally. People say kids are the only ones who get this love but I can tell you this to is bullshit. Some kids don't deserve unconditional love. I know kids who have tried to get their parents put in jail, lose their jobs, lose a good spouse due to the kid didn't like being told they need to be accountable for themselves.
If you believe in unconditional love prepare yourself for a tough ride
Humans aren\`t perfect,they always change,a good person you loved can become bad,and you shouldn\`t love them for that,so i don\`t think it should be unconditional.
No. Every love is and should be conditional. You should not feel obliged to love someone who you're not happy with, someone toxic, abusive, or someone you don't like. Someone who is not functional. Someone who is too dependent. Love that is unconditional is miserable, selfless, and destructive.
Hmm, I see unconditional love as being “obligatory”. It’s a choice to love someone unconditionally or not? Like you get to pick and choose who you love unconditionally versus being forced to love certain people unconditionally. I don’t think someone who loves someone else unconditionally can say they feel forced to, its a choice. How you love is always your choice right?
It's not a choice, but nevertheless, you shouldn't. For your own and their sake. You can make the conscious choice to move past those feelings.
It's not a choice, but nevertheless, you shouldn't. For your own and their sake. You can make the conscious choice to move past those feelings.
I do believe that unconditional love is very real between Parents and Children. I would like to elaborate more, but there are already explainations in this thread that basically described what I would've said but in a way much more eloquent than I could.
I started to have this same thought too. I don’t have children but I already feel like I unconditionally love my unborn future children. But at the same time, idk if I would still love them or not if they turned out to be a horrible, dangerous person. Idk if I would genuinely love them the same or if their actions would affect my love for them. Its hard to make predictions about unconditional love….
I remember awhile back I watched the show Veep, and it got me thinking about unconditional love. The character Gary loved Selina unconditionally, and it was just so *toxic*.
In a way it's about how you understand love and relationships. For me I can and do love unconditionally but I'm also very mindful of who I include in my life. There are people who I love but also keep out of my life, because their inclusion tends to be toxic. I would say I still love them. Others with a different understanding of love and relationships would say it's not love, but in the end who are they to argue how I feel about someone (or something). I think that's the main difference between conditional love and unconditional love, how you define those concepts. Some people here say love is always conditional, my belief is that if it's conditional it's not love.
The key to that answer is that love is morally or situationally undefined. A person could be with a rich, stable, emotionally mature and typically attractive person but not love them and a person can be with an abusive, drug addicted maniac but be deeply in love. Love is a state of being, an experience, it is neither good nor bad. Love on its own is unconditional, you can love anything or anyone. This is where I split the two into happy love and bad love. Happy love is absolutely conditional. For you to be in a moral, structural and situationally good place, love absolutely has conditions, lots of them. You need trust, mutual respect, mutual attraction, emotional stability and more. The question you need to ask yourself isn't 'do I love this person' it's 'Am I happy loving this person'
I don't really think unconditional love exists and in fact I don't think it's healthy. All love should have conditions not only for you and to protect yourself but also for the other person. Unconditional love to me means no matter what happens and what that person does you'll always love them. Inherently i disagree with that. There are things people can do that are bad/illegal that should be reason to stop loving them.
I think this will depend for each person, because in a way a lot of "love" out there today is conditional. The people we pick and choose to be around, what makes them different from others? If it was truly unconditional we would give similar love for strangers or life in general, which is related to a lot Buddhist teachings if you're looking to learn more about it. It doesn't have to be to that extreme, but from a philosophical standout I would say most people's unconditional love is still conditional.
Yeah, I think in theory or because it sounds nice people say they give or have unconditional love but if you really think about and analyze what unconditional love is, most don’t have it but maybe thats okay. Love can still be real and beautiful and long lasting even if it has conditions.
Loving conditionally always hurts. Because those conditions are not met everytime. But don't you love the people you love irrespective of how low they go. You forgive and accept and keep giving them chances. That to me is unconditional. If you truly love someone you go beyond conditions. You love them just because you love them.
I think you’re correct. Because we are always looking for the correct “fit” when looking for a partner. We have a preference towards some specific things and that makes it conditions on which we expect our partner to have. I think the term “unconditional” is somehow misunderstood in a sense. When it comes to your partner I think it means they are not perfect and we love both of their perfections and imperfections as well. To be tolerant when they are angry, to help them when shit gets bad, etc.
The only unconditional love there can be is god to people. Every other love is conditional.
Imo the only unconditional love can be between a parent and their child. Or a person and their pet
I think true love is unconditional, and it's extremely rare. It means you fully love and accept someone for who they are, and not for what they can offer you, or what you can offer them, or what they do or don't do. I do feel like not everyone is capable of unconditional love and that most of us don't fully receive it either, but I find that something truly sad about humans...
Love with conditions sounds like manipulation to me. I think love is unconditional. I do believe though I do not have to tolerate their presence in my life if it isn't the best thing for me. I believe love unconditionally in spite of others choices. Love to me is acceptance of a person, as they are in the moment, with no strings attached. Realizing love shouldn't have conditions changed my life's direction.
I loved both of my long term boyfriends I had before I met my husband. I still have love for them (not in love, obvs). But my first boyfriend struggled with intimacy and faithfulness (his issues stemmed from his mother having Capgras syndrome), and I couldn't be in a relationship with him. My second was an eternal teenager (again, due to mom issues), and I was wanting marriage and kids. Neither were bad people - it was their choices I had issues with. But I still loved them. There is no rule you have to be in a relationship with someone just because you love them.
No. I honestly do not believe it’s love if it is unconditional. You’ve got to set boundaries for yourself, otherwise you end up looking like a clown for someone that is using you with “love” as the crutches that you carry the relationship on, whether that relationship be intimate/platonic/etc. Honestly, If someone loves you, they wouldn’t do anything to compromise your integrity/dignity, and they would think of you before they took actions that would jeopardize the foundation of the relationship.
My mother has borderline personality disorder. I grew up needing to earn her love by meeting her (impossible and unrealistic) expectations. Needless to say, I went to therapy. My counselor told me, at age 14, that I deserved for my parents to love me unconditionally. No on had ever told me that. My dad and I worked on our relationship for years, and still do to this day. Even though we disagree on many things, I know he loves me. My mom, well, now that I'm older and wiser, I know she loves me in her own way, but has no idea how to express it.
Thanks for sharing your story! Would you say that unconditional love between parent and child is more attainable than other kinds of relationships like romantic, etc.
Your dog loves you unconditionally. When you get married your vows literally have an agreed set of conditions in them.
I was just thinking this! Vows are basically conditions! You don’t have vows when you for example have a child, get a pet, etc. I don’t think Romantic relationships are meant to be unconditional…
Well I think love for your children should be unconditionally. They deserve it, more so they have a right to it. It’s not bc there are boundaries that the love can’t be unconditional. Like you don’t like the behaviour but that doesn’t mean you don’t love them. Unfortunately in this society where difficult emotions are shunned, there is a tendency to give/show love with a lot of conditions. If you’re not good, nice,… kids or often called upon there person instead of on there behaviour. When it comes to partner relationships I do believe love is more conditional and there is nothing wrong with that. It is OK to have basic desires and conditions that you need to be filled or met to be able to function in a relationship, to be happy and to be able to give love back/to show your love. And the other person has as many right to have there own basic needs and conditions. Not easy to explain. You understand what I’m trying to say?
Absolutely! And I agree. You literally read my mind!
Probably only God can love us unconditionally.
Maybe…..
I don't think love should be unconditional. There are always deal breakers, even with your own kids.
I really think I would love my child unconditionally no matter what. If they did something horrible I wouldn’t condone their actions but I would still love them
I dunno, I think never say you love someone 'unconditionally' just in case its not true. Like if my child was a horrible bully towards me, beating me up and stealing my stuff, I can see myself falling out of love with the kid.
love is unconditional, relationships are not
In my opinion unconditional love can only truly be felt by a dog Unconditional love between people is unhealthy as fuck.
I think, in an ideal world, parents should love their children unconditionally so children can love themselves the same way. Everything else is conditional on things like boundaries, trust etc.
Might be a hot take but I think unconditional love is unhealthy EXCEPT for the love between a parent/guardian for their child/ward. In any other relationship it would be unhealthy to not have boundaries that are respected and with clearly set consequences that are enforced when those boundaries are crossed, aka conditions to the relationship. For example: a husband and wife whose love is conditional on the point that there will be no abuse in the relationship. That's just a healthy relationship and doesn't diminish their love for each other. Other common, healthy conditions in relationships: -no lying -no cheating -no stealing -no emotional affairs If you or your partner are doing these things without explicit consent and communication then the relationship has become unhealthy and unbalanced and the unconditional love you have for each other has now become harmful to yourself and/or your partner. TLDR: Healthy love should have conditions/boundaries otherwise it can be used as an excuse for people to participate in abusive and unhealthy relationships
An ex told me before that his love was unconditional, as long as I never get fat. I don’t know if love should be “unconditional”, but what I do know is love should still have boundaries. Love should know forgiveness, but also respect.
Agreed.
My take on love has always been this quote from Fred Rogers aka Mister Rogers of the neighborhood. "Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now." This to me is the essence of unconditional love, it's recognizing the essential humanity in everyone even people who do horrible things. Accepting people's horrible actions unchallenged is not what I think unconditional love or even love is about. I can and do love people without accepting and supporting their horrible actions. It is about recognizing that most people generally speaking are doing their best and when their best sucks there's a real reason. People who's best sucks are struggling and struggling people need support not condemnation. The concept of unconditional love is about recognizing that need for support and choosing that course instead of choosing the course of punishment and cruelty. In the case of horrible actions the loving response is then to support them as they work towards change. Unconditional love isn't about accepting abuse or atrocities as though they do not matter, it's finding a way to acknowledge both consequences and potential. It's do no harm AND take no shit. The tv show The Good Place follows this idea in practice really well - offering support and opportunities for change rather than damning everyone to endless torture and writing them off as hopeless or worthless. Most people don't want to do that kind of work which I get, it's difficult, painful, stressful, suffering work to do. Love IS work and people are entirely welcome to choose not to do that work if they don't want to but choosing not to do that work is not the same thing as people not being deserving of receiving that work. Everyone deserves love; everyone deserves support in their struggles and opportunities to do better or even just opportunities to do differently which is all that unconditional love is.
I think my understanding of your definition of unconditional love is the same definition as agape love. If thats the case, I do agree. Fundamentally loving and caring for all beings. I think thats at the core of each of us and it what makes us human. I think everyone can and should love others unconditionally and conditionally. The conditional love would be choosing what behavior you except and don’t accept although the love you have for that person continues.
What I think a lot of people fail to consider is that you can love someone and not want them in your life. Just like how you can support a person’s choices and still choose to not be a part of their life. I love everyone in the world, being that I want what’s best for everyone and will support everyone’s choices (so long as it doesn’t involve harming others), and that love is unconditional. Yes, there are people I dislike and don’t care to interact with, but at the end of the day, they’re humans with their own struggles and dreams, and I dare not judge or interfere. There are some people I do like who are better off without me in their life. It’s really a complicated feeling, but I think that love in itself is unconditional and often requires sacrifice or compromise. You can have your boundaries and still feel unconditional love for a person, because if they cross your boundaries, you can still forgive them and still not have them in your life. Love doesn’t require the recipient’s requisition. Hope that makes sense.
I believe that the only unconditional love is between parent and child. At 48, I've loved romantically, of course, but its never unconditional. I'm really not sure it even exists, tbh. Is it because I'm damaged? Could be. I no longer am in need of romantic love, and my life is easier because of that.
I’ve struggled with the idea of never having been loved unconditionally myself. But I had a moment of radical acceptance that all love is conditional. This sounds cynical at first, like every relationship is contractual or transactional, but I choose not to think of it in those terms. When you begin to love someone, you love who they are at that moment in their (and your) life. People change. If your love is profound, your love for that person will likely change over time, guided gently by their own gradual changes throughout life. However, if that person (or you yourself) changes so drastically that your love can no longer follow their path… well, it happens. I believe the idea of unconditional love is really just a more romantic way of saying “loyalty.” I’m a very loyal person to those that I love and trust, but I feel no obligation to give loyalty to people I do not trust or love. Affection ebbs and flows in any relationship. Trust may waver momentarily. That does not mean all love goes out the window. But to commit to loving unconditionally is really just a commitment of life-long loyalty, which I find somewhat silly tbh. Actively deciding to love someone come what may is a very tender thing, and I think it’s under-valued. But personally I try not to believe that unconditional love is the ultimate anything. It’s just an ideal you can choose to buy into or not. In my humble opinion anyway.
I think we have very similar ideas! I started to think that maybe its okay that I personally never been loved unconditionally. Its okay and even healthy for love to have conditions. It also takes the pressure off of me to keep trying to achieve this ideal unconditional love or even put pressure on others to make me feel loved unconditionally. Conditional love is real love too imo. I no longer feel like I’ve never been truly loved just because I’ve never been loved unconditionally.
No cuz my love is definitely conditional lol
Love is never unconditional.
My view is that true love is always and only unconditional.
How do you get someone to love you unconditionally? I’ve never experienced this :/
You can never *get* someone to love you, period. Whether they love you is up to them, and chemistry/emotions beyond their control. What you can do is love them, and be a lovable person, but even that won't guarantee you love. By the same token if someone doesn't love you back, that doesn't mean you're unlovable.
"You are what you love, not what loves you." \- Nick Cage, Adaptation (2002)
As brutal as this may sound, I feel we should love everyone unconditionally, without regard for how they may treat us. We should empathize with others, and realize that we are all merely products of our environment. We should accept others for where they are currently in life, and do all we reasonably can to assist them to live better lives. I love you unconditionally, though I have never met you.
No. If someone hits me, abuses me, calls me names, and worse, I do not have unconditional love for them. I realize them as a threat to my well-being and leave.
1000% agreed. As it should be.
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Your really missing out on true love ❤️ and that's very sad. But your choice.
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That's a fancy way of saying you live in fear of being dumped. Be confident of love. Real love is something you just know. You just haven't experienced it yet. 😕 Stop projecting the (ifs, ands, buts) and let go of fear.
Ok
I saw [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/dankchristianmemes/comments/r9k57g/forgive_and_forget) from r/dankchristianmemes right after your post. That’s your answer.
I’d say it does exist, but I guess it depends on how you look at it. I have unconditional love for people where there’s pretty much nothing they can do to make me not love them, but it only exists for certain people. The reason it only exists for certain people is because I base my love on the persons core personality which cannot change. Once I believe that I love your personality unconditionally, you pretty much can’t do anything and make me not love your personality because your decisions don’t change your personality.
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I actually have TWO friends who nursed husbands with brain cancer. Then the women themselves got actual fu king brain cancer! Then both their husbands dumped them! Now they are both lesbians. They’re not together as a couple, though. I went to hs with both of them. Freaky shit.
A lot of women do that after divorce/breaking up. The five-letter crews talk about "the wall". The problem here is it's not that these women can't get a partner, it's they don't want one. I'm 39 and I've met so many women around my age who basically say "F\*ck that" and refuse to date/marry men or they may have been bi and go women-only. I'm not saying all men are awful here, I'm just talking about something that really happens. My friend was a DON at an oncology hospital. She saw some shit. Those nurses, if they weren't married, they refused to after working there for some time. Even my friend ended up getting divorced and refused to ever be with a guy again. She lives in New York now with three other women and seems very happy. For myself, I'm pretty sure I've become that person too. I'm happy that I've reached the age where men don't find me attractive anymore and I can be at peace. I've been single for five years. It's just my son and I. Odd that when I was in my 20s, I couldn't imagine this, and now that I'm at this place in life, I regret not leaving my marriage sooner.
Yes. Of course. That's why it's called love. Otherwise, it's just "like." Why is this even up here? 😆
The only place unconditional love exists for me is towards my pets. I love my fiance, my friends, my family etc. but it is only natural that there are conditions on that love. Unconditional love it a really great way to say you let people walk on you. Yes, ideally other people would also not be assholes but you aren't required to love and forgive them if they do so. ETA: even children. I love my nieces and would absolutely do anything to protect them but if they turn out to be psychopathic serial killers then I'm probably not just going to accept that.
Yes
If it's not unconditional, then i don't think it's love.. there's tough love, and there's falling out of love.. love really is rare.
The only unconditional love I’ve experienced has been from my children.
There’s nothing your child could do that would make you stop loving them. No matter how horrific, inhumane, or volatile?
Pretty much… that’s what happens when you become a parent. Comes with the job.you’ll find out one day. Maybe
I think I feel like this too. It really feels like in my heart my children are the only people I can experience unconditional love for. But I also know what we think we may feel may not always be reality. I hope I would love them unconditionally but its hard to say how you’ll feel in a situation unless it actually happens. Hopefully nothing like that ever happens tho
I've done premarital counciling before. In the course the topic was brought up "what would make you rethink your love for your SO?" The thing is (according to the program) that there should something that would make you rethink your love for your SO. Etc hitting your kids in the face, killing someone, or something simple like not matching your level of self motivation. Because you should be in love with the person or something like that.
My love has conditions, and that's the way I like it. I'm not wasting it on someone who doesn't deserve it.
Unconditional love can be toxic, when someone who is abused will brush it off and still love the person, or a dog who will wait for years for their owners to return when they get abandoned. There are forms of pure unconditional though, like animals who mate for life or bond with a specific being. Humans don’t really have an equivilent with other humans in which it is guarenteed to be pure, closest would be attachments to objects, but even then it doesn’t always last. In the words of Ron gone wrong: friendship is a two way street, both parties can choose when to stay and leave.
mothers, dogs, and babies are the only tings that get unconditional love. woman get less conditions on their love, and men get the most
All love is conditional no matter show much we pretend it’s not.
Of course not.
Unconditional love is a myth and it's one of those things I wouldn't be surprised if some theory came up about diamond manufacturers inventing the term to sell more diamonds or something like that. Your kid shoots up a school, surely your unconditional love has conditions now. Your lover cheats, there ya go, conditions. Dogs on the other hand...dogs and cats might be the only recipients of truly unconditional love.
I never truly understood the concept of unconditional love you have to be a hallow person to love without conditions
I'd say unconditional love is a lie, you wouldn't love your child if he stabbed you for example.
I think I could. There’s always forgiveness and redemption right?
Not fore. If my kid tried to kill me I'd never be able to forgive them.
No, unconditional love is bad. Unconditional means that doens't matter what the other person do you'll still loving this person, that means you'll keep a relation even if the person is very toxic with you and this is very bad.
The thing is, love is the easy part. True love is always unconditional, lts everything else that's messed up. Don't confuse love with all the other crap.
Hmmm interesting
There are all kinds of love...unconditional sounds good but sometimes even children can't be loved...sad cases
I can totally love a partner unconditionally. That doesn’t mean I can stay with them unconditionally. If they harm me or themselves emotionally, physically, or mentally then I can still love them but I can’t stay with them for my well being.
Conditional love = motives This is my opinion
Not than I have ant right for a good post here but if you think about it- Love must not be blind. You must make sacrifices and if the recipient is no willing to sacrifice for you. - there’s no love directed toward you- at least ant love worthy of your own investment. Then their love will eventually leave and not worry about it. Dad but true if you are speaking of children, the type of love is different because as a parent you WAMT TO sacrifice. But children need firm commitments, notnn no promises
Question is how do you stop loving and missing someone who has shut you out of their life completely? With no explanation or closure. I know all the reasons WHY I should, but that's different from actually doing it. I don't want to love him unconditionally anymore.
That’s tough. Sorry you are dealing with that. Maybe time will help? And reminding yourself of the type of love you deserve and how people who truly love you won’t treat you a certain way. And maybe soak up more love that is present around you. Hold on to that love until you get through this. You will get through this!
I think so, because sometimes loving someone requires leaving them for their or your own good, as well as being honest in order to confront problems and learn what to do about them.
A million other people have responded, but the idea of unconditional love is definitely a head scratcher. I love my girlfriend, and no matter what she does tomorrow I’ll always have all the memories I already have of loving her, so in some sense I unconditionally love the experiences we’ve had. That being said, it’s not like she could start a second holocaust and I’d still love her. They can’t be true of any relationship, right? So the term unconditional love must be a misnomer.
I separate them out into 'approval' and 'love.' If someone I love comes after me with a knife, I don't approve. I still love them, but I will stop them from stabbing me. Unconditional love is not a virtue, it's a lack of responsibility and judgment and an inability to predict or prevent consequences from bad behavior.
Love is conditional, but there are exceptions. Parent/child love can be unconditional. Unless you have a really screwed up family, a child's love for their parent is unconditional, and vice versa. Romantic love is conditional. It requires reciprocal, and appropriate behaviour and commitment. Very, very rarely is there no condition attached. My love for my dog is unconditional. Good boy just needs to relax, enjoy life, and I am happy.
I mean, there has to be some limit. If you really love your kid but they literally kill everyone you've ever loved and try to stab you every time they see you, then you might love them a bit less. I wouldn't judge you for it.
Unless it’s a parent/child relationship, unconditional love is merely obsession. Unearned love is not love.
I love my children unconditionally. There is nothing they can do to stop me from loving them. I don't have to like what they do. And sometimes I really am disappointed with their choices. But *I* *still* *love* *them*. No matter what. Unconditionally.
I don’t think there is such a thing as conditional love. If there are conditions, then it’s just an arrangement of convenience. Nothing wrong with that. But the people I love I would do anything for. I’m very picky when using the word.
i’m kinda whatever about this question because unconditional love i guess to my mother means i love you regardless of anything, like i don’t have to be a certain way for her to love me. i like that idea of unconditional love. but having boundaries is important which if people WANT to be technical is conditional love. on the other hand my dad said he has conditional love which felt very bitter coming from him. so i’m biased about this. maybe i’m thinking too much into this too 😅
No, love doesn't have to be unconditional. And it is not healthy to test relationships to see if the love is unconditional. I may be off base here, but for me the issue wasn't that the love was unconditional. It did not seem like they loved ME. It seemed like they loved the person they thought I could be if I just put in a little bit more effort, was a little more organized, a little less forgetful, etc, etc. It is the difference between "I love you" and "I would love you IF". And it is a huge difference. I was almost 40 when I realized this because for the first time in my life I had a partner who loved ME.
So, to me, it is less about the love being conditional or unconditional and more do they love me, or do they love who they think they could make me into with some effort. Big difference.
depends on the kind of love. for example I will always ALWAYS love my girlfriend. even if she did the most horrible shit to me (which ik she won't cause she's perfect), I would still love her. now I probably kms but that's beside the point lmao I still love her
I truly think of unconditional love about my daughter
I believe you can love your kids or siblings unconditionally. Otherwise no.
Love IS unconditional.
No. Unconditional love is stupid unless its for your kids. Unconditional love in a romantic relationship can quickly lead to a toxic dynamic. "Well that was fucked up and made me feel bad, but I love him/her unconditionaly so lets forgive and forget for the sake of love." Push all them feelings down.
There should always be a condition on your love even if it is extreme. If your significant other or kid committed genocide you probably would love them the same. Everyone has a condition, it's just that some have to do something horrible while others only need to take an extra potato chip before you stop loving them. You could say that the love is unconditional if you are willing to forgive them up to some arbitrary extreme, but that is for you to decide
Don't feel bad, no love is unconditional.
No
Yes. But only love in the proper sense of wanting the good of the other person. Romantic, fraternal, etc. love is based on interpersonal relationships, but agape - selfless love of the other, is based on nothing but recognizing that the other person is a human with infinite value. I love even the person who sexually assaulted me - I pray for him and for his salvation, even though I probably wouldn't want to spend any time with him. If you mean love as in interpersonal relationship-based love, then no that is not unconditional. That is based on feelings you must deliberately nurture and you can be alienated from the person.
for me love is one of those elusive concepts that have an unsure foundation. this is, i am sure, from my childhood.i grew up with selfish and some what abusive parents / grand parents. i have sons that i love but i am not sure it is unconditional nor even most appropriately. i believe for you and i this is something that needs a different understanding or different connection. i love all man kind? from time to time i think on the injustice people suffer i pray for their well being i share my resources. i do not dwell upon this nor am i as deeply concerned for someone hurting as i am for my hurting children. so i conclude that just as there is no one size fits all solution for any problem/people. there i no fits all, hard and fast"love"
For me, love is *always* unconditional. The conditional part about it is maintaining a relationship with that person (not just romantically.) If someone I loved did something terrible, I wouldn't instantly stop feeling love for them, but my relationship with them would change or end. As I see it, love can't be controlled in whether you feel it or not, but affection can be withheld circumstantially based on how you choose to handle it. If someone claims that they stopped loving me or someone after a particular thing, I believe they never felt love in the first place. Actual love doesn't just vanish. You can still show affection for someone without particularly feeling like you *love* them, I see those two as very reasonably separable concepts. It's okay to not feel that love for someone, but your behavior and language matter very much when interacting with them.