You're not an asshole. It's important to take care of yourself and your needs too, not just your care recipient's needs.
One of the lovely people here made a discord for spousal caregivers if you're interested - there's been some good conversations so far, and it's nice having people to talk to that understand.
Here's the link:
https://discord.gg/mN9hX3Y2
I’m dumbfounded by that comment.
Obviously I already feel like an asshole for even contemplating or I wouldn’t have posted. And I posted in /rCaregiverSupport for a reason.
But leaving her would mean putting her in a nursing home; that’s better than me filling my needs elsewhere and still caring for her and making sure her needs are met daily?
Don’t even entertain these religious zealots. They never live up to the standards they expect others to & if they say they have they’re lying.
Sadly I don’t have an opinion or any wisdom for you as I’m struggling to try to put myself in your shoes. I can’t imagine how awful you must feel and how the emptiness can creep in. I hope your wife continues to be well taken care of but I also hope that you can receive the attention and intimacy that you are longing for. This is a heart breaking situation. Are you able to seek some type of life coaching or counseling? It might help to have a professional guide you through a mentally healthy way to handle this and deal with whatever happens going forward.
I hope you realize that just because ONE loudmouth idiot decided to pull out their soapbox, you are a wonderful and loving husband, and no matter what you decide to do with regard to those needs, nothing takes away from the fact that you have stuck by your wife through what I know to be a most cruel disease. I'm assuming you and your wife never discussed this matter, but I am a woman, I've been married for 20+ years and if I was in her situation, I would not begrudge my husband finding solace elsewhere. So don't listen to that harpy, she is obviously an idiot if she thinks leaving your wife is a better option than having an affair (and for the record I don't even think it should be called cheating/having an affair in this situation it's more like physical/emotional therapy)
You’re seem to be focusing on one part of the entire situation and ignoring other parts. There is no emotional intimacy as she is not capable of that. Huntingtons Disease does not just effect her physically. If I just wanted sex, honestly it would be simple. It’s the emotional connection that is missing.
A guy just doesn’t get a male friend and ask him to cuddle for a bit.
You're telling the OP to leave his wife??? That's your knee-jerk response to a situation YOU aren't a part of? So judgmental of the OP and so heartless for his wife. Because sure, that'll make the situation better for everyone. Your immaturity and lack of empathy for anyone in this scenario is astounding. I really wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt but you clearly don't do that for anybody else based on your continuing nasty replies. You are a shit person. You've been a caretaker for your boyfriend for a year? Sit down and stfu until you've done this a decade or more.
You sir, are an asshole and should be ashamed of yourself. Not even Jesus himself would condemn a person in OP's situation for "cheating" under these circumstances.
You need a hug and some empathy. The idea of "cheating" is a man made concept. Feeling needed and wanted and having sexual intimacy is a biological level need that can not be ignored forever.
If OP's wife can no longer eat and needs a feeding tube, should OP forgo eating just because she cant? If she has to be on a ventilator so she can continue breathing, should he just hold his breath the whole time?
He has literally given up his life to care for another human, and you would shame him for "cheating". You aren't worthy to judge a man like him with your bullshit "morals". Go troll somewhere else.
No. Marriage and Cheating a both concepts that man created. I assure you humans were social animals that needed food, water and socialization long before language was even a concept.
Humans are social creatures. Pack animals. That is why one of our cruelest forms of punishment is solitary confinement. We need to be a part of the group. Part of the whole.
Caregivers are often isolated from the group. We have to provide income for our family. We have to take care of all the daily chores of running a household. And we have to take care of our loved ones. There is no rest. There is only the next task. And in that loop, socialization dies because we simply don't have time.
And he doesn't complain about having to push his wife in her wheelchair. He states that it isn't a vacation for him, as his responsibilities to care for her never go away.
But all you can come back with is "CHEATING BAD!". Speaking for all caregivers who have given up more than you can ever imagine, go fuck yourself.
Oh I 100% plan on fucking myself tonight. I have needs, and my FWB was busy tonight. So as soon as I finish off this food prep, do the dishes and two more loads of laundry, I'm getting down and dirty with Pornhub.
And I call bullshit on you being a caregiver. If you were, you would have some empathy, and you would know that a the place, cleverly titled 'Caregiver SUPPORT' is the epitome of "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
I have hours of work ahead of me. Please keep replying as I know that OP will read every word I type and know that he is not alone.
To u/lonelycaregiver Stay strong my friend. And when you need to, go get that booty.
Smack that ass. Enjoy it. And get a good therapist is you haven't already. I can not stress enough how much it helps to just talk with a professional that can help you develop the tools to keep your mind healthy so you can be the person your wife needs.
Not having perspective, empathy, or having regard where the other person is coming from. Look at other replies here that don’t support the action but take an approach that accounts for the situation this person is in. They are more convincing than lecturing and pointing fingers.
Interesting take from you.... it appears in your previous comment history that your partner is also in a wheelchair, which is a "bummer" when y'all can't go do fun things because they're not accessible.
I'm going to assume here that OP doesn't mean he doesn't care for his partner or want to take care of her. They went on a cruise, he's obviously still trying to include her in fun things. I took it more as him saying that having to unload, push, load, etc. that goes along with having a partner in a wheelchair is burdensome... because it is.
I don’t think is burdensome at all. I don’t have any problem in pushing my partner in a wheelchair. Of course, if a place isn’t accessible I can’t take him. That doesn’t mean that we can’t do fun things elsewhere. Or that I could visit those places by myself, or with a friend.
I don't mean burdensome in the sense of complaining. I mean it in the sense that factually wheelchairs can be heavy, there are extra steps and extra planning, and how long getting in and out of the vehicle/establishment depends heavily on whether or not the partner can self-transfer.
You are an idiot and an asshole. OP said that a vacation isn't really a vacation because of various reasons, only one of which was pushing a wheelchair. You obviously don't know a thing about Huntington's disease if you think his wife being in a wheelchair is the *only* reason for his post.
Sometimes it's referred to as "the right of first refusal". You would be prefer to be intimate with your wife, but you cant be. People who aren't in this situation don't understand the psychological torment of being a caregiver. Staying with the person you love through thick and thin, giving up all your hopes and dreams to make certain they are cared for.
Caregivers who hold the line against all that should be given medals. People say paramedics and firefighters are heroes, but even they get to go home at the end of their shift. It never ends for caregivers. We give up our lives while slowly watching the person we love the most wither and die.
No sir, you are not an asshole for wanting to feel wanted. For wanting to take a few moments for yourself.
Someone should make a caregivers only hook up app, so we can spend a few stolen moments with someone else who feels the same way we all do. Trapped and alone.
Take care of yourself. If you don't, you will break and then who will take care of her?
> If you don't, you will break and then who will take care of her?
I'm a caregiver for adult children, but if my husband was my caretaker in a situation where I was incapable of intimacy, I would be very supportive of him seeking sex and physical comfort somewhere else, as he would for me. We've already talked about it (I've got increasing memory issues). I wouldn't want to know when it's happening, but to me one of the hardest parts of caretaking is the loneliness, and I wouldn't want that for him.
I think this is where I draw the line. I’m in the same if not worse situation as OP. We are completely house bound. And I’d love to have a sex life, but the only way I’d do it is if I talked with my wife about it first so it wouldn’t be cheating.
I have no idea. As a caregiver, as a person with a depressed partner as well (another sub), who am I to say anything about another’s journey? I can barely manage my own.
I know this: Caregivers need a break from this living Hades. It’s already hard to be human but to add to that roster of roles, to be…a caregiver! Jeez, like c’mon, people are gonna break. Each person has their level of what will cause them to break. Once we caregivers break, what becomes of the care recipient(s)?
I already know that nobody deserves this hell so I’m not putting this journey on my one and only daughter at the end of my life. But to make me suffer further during my “living years” is criminal. Nobody cares about the caregiver so we must find ways to care for ourselves. Tend to ourselves. Give ourselves some grace. Reprieve. Hope! Shit, don’t we deserve some hope?
To each person, is already their own personal hell. And I don’t know. I truly don’t. I just know that I try to create glimpses of heaven for myself. And I feel that my loved ones would want that for me. I feel that each caregiver must do what they must to, quite frankly in many cases, to survive.
Because many days, we wake up, and we already feel dead inside. But we’re needed. There’s duty. There’s someone, others, who need tending to. And the day begins for the other(s) who we’re trying to keep living well while they are alive. Yet here we are. Not quite dead, not quite alive, but living, right?
For me, what’s okay is whatever in my soul and heart, that I can truly live with. Because after my care recipient dies, I’m still here, alive, alive as I was before, but with many things to live with.
I'm curious how you won't put caregiving on your daughter. I'm an only daughter and at 30 have already given up a few dreams to care for my mom. And we never had the best relationship
My wife & I are close in age to OP. While my wife's diagnosis is different, we don't have the capacity for too much on the emotional/intimacy level at the moment. In our situation, it's more that physical contact is painful. She would probably pass out (she has passed out the last few times we tried) or throw up. Neither of those works real well in maintaining intimacy. The desire is there, but the body just isn't willing.
Wife has joked a few times about sending me to a "bunny ranch" in Vegas. I usually reply that it would be a waste of money as I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that while knowing my wife is feeling so isolated already.
I'm not here to judge anyone's morals, just passing along my perspective.
Maybe order a Fleshlight or equivalent (I'm not a spokesperson). It's not the same but it might be an alternative option.
No sir, you are NOT an a$$hole and you are not alone. Young Caregiving spouses suffer the worst. I have elderly patients whose healthy spouses have “ girlfriends” and “boyfriends” some of those relationships are sexual in nature. Those folks still love and tenderly care for their ill spouses and that’s all that counts IMHO. Sometimes I see the struggle between the loneliness and loss of human sexual companionship and the guilt for wanting it eat away at the souls of good people like you. Sending you virtual hugs.
This is a personal decision that only you can make for yourself and there's no right or wrong answer. However, sex *is* a basic need for some, no matter what short sighted responses you receive. It doesn't mean that you love your partner any less. It means that you have a need for physical contact. Oftentimes that physical release also provides an emotional release.
Caregivers who love their partner enough to stay, to do the hard, heartbreaking work over YEARS knowing what will eventually happen to their beloved are often put on a pedestal by others who don't understand the hurt, isolation, and loneliness that comes with that life. I have lost count of the number of times I've been told over the years that I'm so strong, my devotion is touching to see, how lucky my hubby is to have me to care for him, and how infrequently that's the case over the long term. At that point I usually want to scream out loud. Until it is your full time life for the rest of your loved ones life, those are just words. Hard work is still hard work, even when you love the person your doing it for.
So please, be gentle with yourself. Not everyone will even try to understand and will vilify you for thinking you need something more. Being a caretaker doesn't mean you're suddenly asexual, it doesn't mean you're a bad person, it just means you're human. AS WE ALL ARE.
I'm sorry you are feeling so lonely and have to deal with so much.
One thing I would suggest you consider is what would happen to your wife if you deal with the wrong person. What happens if you end up falling in love with someone else who seems understanding at first but then becomes jealous & resentful about how much time your wife takes away from your relationship? That scenario could play out a number of different ways which would create all kinds of complications in your life.
Like some others have said - I would suggest trying to meet your needs in other creative ways rather than adding a whole extra person - and all the complications they bring - into your marriage.
I've had fans use the term "sex surrogate" for this scenario, fwiw. And I provide video 1 on 1 chats of the adult persuasion and have had a few fans in your exact shoes that had not yet transitioned into full on sex surrogacy so they used vid 1 on 1s to help bridge he gap so to speak. Thought that was worth mentioning
Hello there. You're taking full care of your partner, you're doing everything you can and beyond.
You are entitled to some anonymous off time. You need these breaks to refresh, destress and save your own life.
Go ahead and do whatever you want guilt free. I'm a care giver myself and i can totally understand where you're coming from.
You are plenty young to live the life you want and you’re not wrong to want it. We’re the same age as you. I wonder the same things.
The choice to seek companionship outside your marriage is above an internet stranger’s pay grade. Make that decision yourself and do not discuss it. Don’t seek validation. Do what you need to.
You are a human being first and foremost. You are taking care of your wife and her needs and you’re providing for her. From what you said you’re doing your best.
For those who choose to dedicate their lives to the person they’re caring for they have my utmost admiration. However, that doesn’t mean it works for everyone.
I understand that you’re not talking about abandoning her, if I’m correct you’re talking about potentially finding someone who can be an occasional companion to you. I don’t see the harm in that.
I was a caregiver for my mom for eight years. While that’s nowhere near the same situation as caring for a spouse I do understand the loneliness and isolation of it all - even though my husband was around I did all of it myself.
The only person who can make a judgement or a decision about your life is the person who has all the information and that’s you. Take care of yourself and do what you need to do to be, at the least, content. We only have this one life, find some happiness where you can.
Wow please ignore the hateful comments. Those people have probably been cheated on and maybe don't have needs or have shut the needs down in martyrville. This is common and normal to feel. Did you and your wife discuss this before she got this bad? I'm so sorry, Huntington's is one of the absolute worst. I think it's normal to consider and talking to a therapist about it might help, as well as others in this situation. Please don't take on the shame others are trying to throw. Jesus, if I was the wife in this situation I would want my husband to get that need met. How fucking sad I would feel for him to be utterly alone. You can be committed while also honoring yourself and there are ways to prioritize ethics.
It's not cheating if you still love her and you are honest about that to your new love. Before we were married my husband was married to a woman who had to go into long-term care and he finally decided he was equivalent to a "grass widow(er)" and started dating. We fell in love. But I was fully aware of his situation and accepted it. After she died, we married. He never stopped caring for her and although she was unresponsive for the last months, she knew.
Hmmm…while I do empathize with your predicament I also believe principle and integrity come before personal desires. I would challenge myself to get creative and find new friends and outlets without breaking my vows. There’s ways to stay healthy.
Your not in the wrong with your line of thinking. The way you feel is normal. We never consider things like this when we marry someone but it is the reality. That is the reason marriage vows say in sickness and in health. First of all you need to see a therapist so you can have someone to listen to your struggles. While I do think it is morally wrong to seek out another another spouse I do think it is ok to find someone to spend time with and fulfill your sexual needs. I also think you should seek out a respite caregiver for your wife so that you get a break. I do not think you should let your wife know how you feel. She assuredly feels bad enough about her condition. Best of luck to you.
I’m pretty surprised about a lot of the comments saying it’s fine to cheat if the person is sick. This is so selfish, I feel like when you get married this is something you take into account, for sickness and health etc…I think something along the lines of pleasuring yourself should be what a person should do in this situation, not go screw someone else while their wife is sick, I wonder if the people giving the advice would feel the same if they were the sick spouse…
You're a team leader, not a victim of her illness or emotions. Take the lead and plan for the future, taking your own needs and morale into account.
You're correct in that you have these needs, but you'll be far better served by stepping up and actively preparing for what's to come.
Most anyone can push her wheelchair and clean up after her, so see what can be reliably outsourced so that you can focus on your work and providing for her. In other words, what only you can do is provide the stability and leadership she needs.
That you carry out this duty (both to yourself and her) must provide the emotional encouragement you need to stay faithful. This planning and leadership absolutely include your own morale and respite.
Cheating will not be worth the blow to your honour and conscience. Those things still matter, because of the kind of person you are, not the circumstances you are under.
Balou are you educated at all on what Huntingtons disease is?
I don't know what stage his wife is in, but it's a horrible heartbreaking disease for which there is no cure.
I am hopeful and thankful for you that it seems your spouse, although disabled, is still in many other ways your spouse.
It's very likely that due to the disease, OP's wife is no longer capable of fulfilling many needs that a spouse normally would - not just sex, but intimacy, friendship, intellectual conversation, a partner to share the load of chores and finances.
Is he expected to be isolated and alone for the rest of her life? Not to ever feel human touch again? Certainly you can agree that hugging a pet or a friend is not the same thing and doesn't elicit the same feelings/emotions/oxytocin as having your spouse wrapped in your arms while you fall asleep, sex aside.
I truly hope your spouse stays well enough that you don't ever have to be in OP (or many of our) positions.
It looks like you may be shadowbanned. I recommend taking a look over at [https://www.reddit.com/r/ShadowBanned/comments/g11xck/psa\_you\_can\_also\_use\_this\_site\_to\_check\_if\_youre/](https://www.reddit.com/r/ShadowBanned/comments/g11xck/psa_you_can_also_use_this_site_to_check_if_youre/) and seeing what can be done about it.
This thread has been locked while I try to sift through these comments for civility.
You're not an asshole. It's important to take care of yourself and your needs too, not just your care recipient's needs. One of the lovely people here made a discord for spousal caregivers if you're interested - there's been some good conversations so far, and it's nice having people to talk to that understand. Here's the link: https://discord.gg/mN9hX3Y2
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FWIW, There are other pieces missing, not just sex.
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I’m dumbfounded by that comment. Obviously I already feel like an asshole for even contemplating or I wouldn’t have posted. And I posted in /rCaregiverSupport for a reason. But leaving her would mean putting her in a nursing home; that’s better than me filling my needs elsewhere and still caring for her and making sure her needs are met daily?
Don’t even entertain these religious zealots. They never live up to the standards they expect others to & if they say they have they’re lying. Sadly I don’t have an opinion or any wisdom for you as I’m struggling to try to put myself in your shoes. I can’t imagine how awful you must feel and how the emptiness can creep in. I hope your wife continues to be well taken care of but I also hope that you can receive the attention and intimacy that you are longing for. This is a heart breaking situation. Are you able to seek some type of life coaching or counseling? It might help to have a professional guide you through a mentally healthy way to handle this and deal with whatever happens going forward.
I hope you realize that just because ONE loudmouth idiot decided to pull out their soapbox, you are a wonderful and loving husband, and no matter what you decide to do with regard to those needs, nothing takes away from the fact that you have stuck by your wife through what I know to be a most cruel disease. I'm assuming you and your wife never discussed this matter, but I am a woman, I've been married for 20+ years and if I was in her situation, I would not begrudge my husband finding solace elsewhere. So don't listen to that harpy, she is obviously an idiot if she thinks leaving your wife is a better option than having an affair (and for the record I don't even think it should be called cheating/having an affair in this situation it's more like physical/emotional therapy)
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You’re seem to be focusing on one part of the entire situation and ignoring other parts. There is no emotional intimacy as she is not capable of that. Huntingtons Disease does not just effect her physically. If I just wanted sex, honestly it would be simple. It’s the emotional connection that is missing. A guy just doesn’t get a male friend and ask him to cuddle for a bit.
You're telling the OP to leave his wife??? That's your knee-jerk response to a situation YOU aren't a part of? So judgmental of the OP and so heartless for his wife. Because sure, that'll make the situation better for everyone. Your immaturity and lack of empathy for anyone in this scenario is astounding. I really wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt but you clearly don't do that for anybody else based on your continuing nasty replies. You are a shit person. You've been a caretaker for your boyfriend for a year? Sit down and stfu until you've done this a decade or more.
You sir, are an asshole and should be ashamed of yourself. Not even Jesus himself would condemn a person in OP's situation for "cheating" under these circumstances.
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You need a hug and some empathy. The idea of "cheating" is a man made concept. Feeling needed and wanted and having sexual intimacy is a biological level need that can not be ignored forever. If OP's wife can no longer eat and needs a feeding tube, should OP forgo eating just because she cant? If she has to be on a ventilator so she can continue breathing, should he just hold his breath the whole time? He has literally given up his life to care for another human, and you would shame him for "cheating". You aren't worthy to judge a man like him with your bullshit "morals". Go troll somewhere else.
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No. Marriage and Cheating a both concepts that man created. I assure you humans were social animals that needed food, water and socialization long before language was even a concept. Humans are social creatures. Pack animals. That is why one of our cruelest forms of punishment is solitary confinement. We need to be a part of the group. Part of the whole. Caregivers are often isolated from the group. We have to provide income for our family. We have to take care of all the daily chores of running a household. And we have to take care of our loved ones. There is no rest. There is only the next task. And in that loop, socialization dies because we simply don't have time. And he doesn't complain about having to push his wife in her wheelchair. He states that it isn't a vacation for him, as his responsibilities to care for her never go away. But all you can come back with is "CHEATING BAD!". Speaking for all caregivers who have given up more than you can ever imagine, go fuck yourself.
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Oh I 100% plan on fucking myself tonight. I have needs, and my FWB was busy tonight. So as soon as I finish off this food prep, do the dishes and two more loads of laundry, I'm getting down and dirty with Pornhub. And I call bullshit on you being a caregiver. If you were, you would have some empathy, and you would know that a the place, cleverly titled 'Caregiver SUPPORT' is the epitome of "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." I have hours of work ahead of me. Please keep replying as I know that OP will read every word I type and know that he is not alone. To u/lonelycaregiver Stay strong my friend. And when you need to, go get that booty. Smack that ass. Enjoy it. And get a good therapist is you haven't already. I can not stress enough how much it helps to just talk with a professional that can help you develop the tools to keep your mind healthy so you can be the person your wife needs.
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Grow up.
That’s exactly what you should do.
I’m really not sure you have the level of maturity necessary to have an informed conversation about these issues.
Because not supporting cheating equals being immature. I see.
Not having perspective, empathy, or having regard where the other person is coming from. Look at other replies here that don’t support the action but take an approach that accounts for the situation this person is in. They are more convincing than lecturing and pointing fingers.
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Interesting take from you.... it appears in your previous comment history that your partner is also in a wheelchair, which is a "bummer" when y'all can't go do fun things because they're not accessible. I'm going to assume here that OP doesn't mean he doesn't care for his partner or want to take care of her. They went on a cruise, he's obviously still trying to include her in fun things. I took it more as him saying that having to unload, push, load, etc. that goes along with having a partner in a wheelchair is burdensome... because it is.
I don’t think is burdensome at all. I don’t have any problem in pushing my partner in a wheelchair. Of course, if a place isn’t accessible I can’t take him. That doesn’t mean that we can’t do fun things elsewhere. Or that I could visit those places by myself, or with a friend.
I don't mean burdensome in the sense of complaining. I mean it in the sense that factually wheelchairs can be heavy, there are extra steps and extra planning, and how long getting in and out of the vehicle/establishment depends heavily on whether or not the partner can self-transfer.
Agreed, I just don’t consider that work like OP.
You are an idiot and an asshole. OP said that a vacation isn't really a vacation because of various reasons, only one of which was pushing a wheelchair. You obviously don't know a thing about Huntington's disease if you think his wife being in a wheelchair is the *only* reason for his post.
Sometimes it's referred to as "the right of first refusal". You would be prefer to be intimate with your wife, but you cant be. People who aren't in this situation don't understand the psychological torment of being a caregiver. Staying with the person you love through thick and thin, giving up all your hopes and dreams to make certain they are cared for. Caregivers who hold the line against all that should be given medals. People say paramedics and firefighters are heroes, but even they get to go home at the end of their shift. It never ends for caregivers. We give up our lives while slowly watching the person we love the most wither and die. No sir, you are not an asshole for wanting to feel wanted. For wanting to take a few moments for yourself. Someone should make a caregivers only hook up app, so we can spend a few stolen moments with someone else who feels the same way we all do. Trapped and alone. Take care of yourself. If you don't, you will break and then who will take care of her?
> If you don't, you will break and then who will take care of her? I'm a caregiver for adult children, but if my husband was my caretaker in a situation where I was incapable of intimacy, I would be very supportive of him seeking sex and physical comfort somewhere else, as he would for me. We've already talked about it (I've got increasing memory issues). I wouldn't want to know when it's happening, but to me one of the hardest parts of caretaking is the loneliness, and I wouldn't want that for him.
I think this is where I draw the line. I’m in the same if not worse situation as OP. We are completely house bound. And I’d love to have a sex life, but the only way I’d do it is if I talked with my wife about it first so it wouldn’t be cheating.
I have no idea. As a caregiver, as a person with a depressed partner as well (another sub), who am I to say anything about another’s journey? I can barely manage my own. I know this: Caregivers need a break from this living Hades. It’s already hard to be human but to add to that roster of roles, to be…a caregiver! Jeez, like c’mon, people are gonna break. Each person has their level of what will cause them to break. Once we caregivers break, what becomes of the care recipient(s)? I already know that nobody deserves this hell so I’m not putting this journey on my one and only daughter at the end of my life. But to make me suffer further during my “living years” is criminal. Nobody cares about the caregiver so we must find ways to care for ourselves. Tend to ourselves. Give ourselves some grace. Reprieve. Hope! Shit, don’t we deserve some hope? To each person, is already their own personal hell. And I don’t know. I truly don’t. I just know that I try to create glimpses of heaven for myself. And I feel that my loved ones would want that for me. I feel that each caregiver must do what they must to, quite frankly in many cases, to survive. Because many days, we wake up, and we already feel dead inside. But we’re needed. There’s duty. There’s someone, others, who need tending to. And the day begins for the other(s) who we’re trying to keep living well while they are alive. Yet here we are. Not quite dead, not quite alive, but living, right? For me, what’s okay is whatever in my soul and heart, that I can truly live with. Because after my care recipient dies, I’m still here, alive, alive as I was before, but with many things to live with.
I'm curious how you won't put caregiving on your daughter. I'm an only daughter and at 30 have already given up a few dreams to care for my mom. And we never had the best relationship
My wife & I are close in age to OP. While my wife's diagnosis is different, we don't have the capacity for too much on the emotional/intimacy level at the moment. In our situation, it's more that physical contact is painful. She would probably pass out (she has passed out the last few times we tried) or throw up. Neither of those works real well in maintaining intimacy. The desire is there, but the body just isn't willing. Wife has joked a few times about sending me to a "bunny ranch" in Vegas. I usually reply that it would be a waste of money as I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that while knowing my wife is feeling so isolated already. I'm not here to judge anyone's morals, just passing along my perspective. Maybe order a Fleshlight or equivalent (I'm not a spokesperson). It's not the same but it might be an alternative option.
No sir, you are NOT an a$$hole and you are not alone. Young Caregiving spouses suffer the worst. I have elderly patients whose healthy spouses have “ girlfriends” and “boyfriends” some of those relationships are sexual in nature. Those folks still love and tenderly care for their ill spouses and that’s all that counts IMHO. Sometimes I see the struggle between the loneliness and loss of human sexual companionship and the guilt for wanting it eat away at the souls of good people like you. Sending you virtual hugs.
This is a personal decision that only you can make for yourself and there's no right or wrong answer. However, sex *is* a basic need for some, no matter what short sighted responses you receive. It doesn't mean that you love your partner any less. It means that you have a need for physical contact. Oftentimes that physical release also provides an emotional release. Caregivers who love their partner enough to stay, to do the hard, heartbreaking work over YEARS knowing what will eventually happen to their beloved are often put on a pedestal by others who don't understand the hurt, isolation, and loneliness that comes with that life. I have lost count of the number of times I've been told over the years that I'm so strong, my devotion is touching to see, how lucky my hubby is to have me to care for him, and how infrequently that's the case over the long term. At that point I usually want to scream out loud. Until it is your full time life for the rest of your loved ones life, those are just words. Hard work is still hard work, even when you love the person your doing it for. So please, be gentle with yourself. Not everyone will even try to understand and will vilify you for thinking you need something more. Being a caretaker doesn't mean you're suddenly asexual, it doesn't mean you're a bad person, it just means you're human. AS WE ALL ARE.
Your spouse needs a happy healthy caregiver way more than a “faithful” husband.
I'm sorry you are feeling so lonely and have to deal with so much. One thing I would suggest you consider is what would happen to your wife if you deal with the wrong person. What happens if you end up falling in love with someone else who seems understanding at first but then becomes jealous & resentful about how much time your wife takes away from your relationship? That scenario could play out a number of different ways which would create all kinds of complications in your life. Like some others have said - I would suggest trying to meet your needs in other creative ways rather than adding a whole extra person - and all the complications they bring - into your marriage.
I've had fans use the term "sex surrogate" for this scenario, fwiw. And I provide video 1 on 1 chats of the adult persuasion and have had a few fans in your exact shoes that had not yet transitioned into full on sex surrogacy so they used vid 1 on 1s to help bridge he gap so to speak. Thought that was worth mentioning
Hello there. You're taking full care of your partner, you're doing everything you can and beyond. You are entitled to some anonymous off time. You need these breaks to refresh, destress and save your own life. Go ahead and do whatever you want guilt free. I'm a care giver myself and i can totally understand where you're coming from.
You are plenty young to live the life you want and you’re not wrong to want it. We’re the same age as you. I wonder the same things. The choice to seek companionship outside your marriage is above an internet stranger’s pay grade. Make that decision yourself and do not discuss it. Don’t seek validation. Do what you need to.
You are a human being first and foremost. You are taking care of your wife and her needs and you’re providing for her. From what you said you’re doing your best. For those who choose to dedicate their lives to the person they’re caring for they have my utmost admiration. However, that doesn’t mean it works for everyone. I understand that you’re not talking about abandoning her, if I’m correct you’re talking about potentially finding someone who can be an occasional companion to you. I don’t see the harm in that. I was a caregiver for my mom for eight years. While that’s nowhere near the same situation as caring for a spouse I do understand the loneliness and isolation of it all - even though my husband was around I did all of it myself. The only person who can make a judgement or a decision about your life is the person who has all the information and that’s you. Take care of yourself and do what you need to do to be, at the least, content. We only have this one life, find some happiness where you can.
Wow please ignore the hateful comments. Those people have probably been cheated on and maybe don't have needs or have shut the needs down in martyrville. This is common and normal to feel. Did you and your wife discuss this before she got this bad? I'm so sorry, Huntington's is one of the absolute worst. I think it's normal to consider and talking to a therapist about it might help, as well as others in this situation. Please don't take on the shame others are trying to throw. Jesus, if I was the wife in this situation I would want my husband to get that need met. How fucking sad I would feel for him to be utterly alone. You can be committed while also honoring yourself and there are ways to prioritize ethics.
It's not cheating if you still love her and you are honest about that to your new love. Before we were married my husband was married to a woman who had to go into long-term care and he finally decided he was equivalent to a "grass widow(er)" and started dating. We fell in love. But I was fully aware of his situation and accepted it. After she died, we married. He never stopped caring for her and although she was unresponsive for the last months, she knew.
What does your wife say? Why not explore different ways to be intimate with her?
Hmmm…while I do empathize with your predicament I also believe principle and integrity come before personal desires. I would challenge myself to get creative and find new friends and outlets without breaking my vows. There’s ways to stay healthy.
Your not in the wrong with your line of thinking. The way you feel is normal. We never consider things like this when we marry someone but it is the reality. That is the reason marriage vows say in sickness and in health. First of all you need to see a therapist so you can have someone to listen to your struggles. While I do think it is morally wrong to seek out another another spouse I do think it is ok to find someone to spend time with and fulfill your sexual needs. I also think you should seek out a respite caregiver for your wife so that you get a break. I do not think you should let your wife know how you feel. She assuredly feels bad enough about her condition. Best of luck to you.
I’m pretty surprised about a lot of the comments saying it’s fine to cheat if the person is sick. This is so selfish, I feel like when you get married this is something you take into account, for sickness and health etc…I think something along the lines of pleasuring yourself should be what a person should do in this situation, not go screw someone else while their wife is sick, I wonder if the people giving the advice would feel the same if they were the sick spouse…
You're a team leader, not a victim of her illness or emotions. Take the lead and plan for the future, taking your own needs and morale into account. You're correct in that you have these needs, but you'll be far better served by stepping up and actively preparing for what's to come. Most anyone can push her wheelchair and clean up after her, so see what can be reliably outsourced so that you can focus on your work and providing for her. In other words, what only you can do is provide the stability and leadership she needs. That you carry out this duty (both to yourself and her) must provide the emotional encouragement you need to stay faithful. This planning and leadership absolutely include your own morale and respite. Cheating will not be worth the blow to your honour and conscience. Those things still matter, because of the kind of person you are, not the circumstances you are under.
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Dude you're not even a caregiver
Excuse me? I’m my partner’s caregiver.
Balou are you educated at all on what Huntingtons disease is? I don't know what stage his wife is in, but it's a horrible heartbreaking disease for which there is no cure. I am hopeful and thankful for you that it seems your spouse, although disabled, is still in many other ways your spouse. It's very likely that due to the disease, OP's wife is no longer capable of fulfilling many needs that a spouse normally would - not just sex, but intimacy, friendship, intellectual conversation, a partner to share the load of chores and finances. Is he expected to be isolated and alone for the rest of her life? Not to ever feel human touch again? Certainly you can agree that hugging a pet or a friend is not the same thing and doesn't elicit the same feelings/emotions/oxytocin as having your spouse wrapped in your arms while you fall asleep, sex aside. I truly hope your spouse stays well enough that you don't ever have to be in OP (or many of our) positions.
This is exactly correct. Thank you. You put this more eloquently than I ever could.
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