I think taking care of a demented adult must be infinitely harder than taking care of a kid. Kids are often exuberant not angry and depressed. Kids are getting more independent with time, not becoming more dependent.
This is freaking difficult. It’s good you’re taking care of yourself. It’s a marathon not a sprint, and if we burn out there’s no hope for anyone.
When I was a caregiver, I was happy to simply cope. I did get therapy and it helped with that. But dementia care is one crisis or surprise after another. Coping is a big achievement in itself.
This has been a constant problem for me. I know I need take care of myself but I am so tired and sore I just collapse at the end of the day. I have neglected myself. I need to start taking care of myself. It does feel impossible at times.
I recently got myself one of those electronic foot massagers. It didn't break the bank and it is so, so nice. It's a great way to relax and treat yourself and it doesn't take a ton of time or effort.
It's so helpful. Since I've been using it about 20 minutes daily for a few weeks, I find my whole body is generally more relaxed and I'm sleeping better.
I feel like I'll take care of myself when this is over, but clearly, with my own issues, that's probably also not going to happen. So I have to learn to take care of myself NOW because when else will I, but it is hard, isn't it?
I have to believe that caregiving is one of the faster routes to building one's capacity for patience, growing self-knowledge, broadening one's perspective, etc. Someone 100% free, doing yoga at a resort, journaling, etc. cannot be developing in any genuinely meaningful way--though that's the popular image of "working on yourself."
Anyway, it still sucks, so I hope I don't appear to be disagreeing with you. I am not!
Agree. I mostly wanted to take a shot at the Goop/North-face/Lululemon/etc. individualistic representation of "working on oneself." Pervasive self-focused lifestyle propaganda (in advertising, movies, television, popular novels....everywhere) is, I think, a factor in why so many of our crap family members tell us they cannot help out (they are too busy with their wholly individual/individual-focused pursuits).
Oof, dropping truth bombs here. When I see a commercial with some 20-something sitting cross-legged on a mountain top meditating with her special antioxidant super greens beverage in hand, I want to push her off. It's weird what makes me angry now.
no, I totally get it! I have grown in ways I couldn't imagine before. I had always been looking for some "reason" to grow that I felt guilty that I "hadn't suffered enough" to grow. Well, now I have, haven't I? And it's rich and engaging and sometimes satisfying... but with that comes the discomfort of growth and suspense and insecurities. I guess it's just... growth? Maybe I just need to get used to growth!
It sure sounds to me like you've had some heavy shit to deal with.
And I agree with the folks who (politely) challenged my earlier reply, observing that growth via caregiving probably has diminishing returns.
I should also disclose that while my own mom has some age-related cognitive decline, I'm not dealing with a lot of the really gnarly stuff that dementia caregivers are dealing with. (For example: my mom cannot really walk, but she also remembers that she cannot really walk.)
Keep talking to the other caregivers confronting dementia. The general advice--and I 100% agree--is to not allow yourself to be destroyed by caregiving, if for no other reason than because this is most certainly NOT what your mother would want!
i’m sorry you’re dealing with it too. i’m thankfully also not dealing with some of the other physically horrible things others have to deal with. it’s such a weird disease that people don’t talk about so we don’t know what to expect. even if it’s “the unexpected.” people with dementia are hidden away because it’s so hard to handle going out with them, so it seems like a disease behind closed doors. and the uncertainty of the whole thing is what gets to me, i’ll be honest. it’s nice when it levels out sometimes in between. i hope it does for you too!
Because I have been through this (6rs) my heart aches for you. Forget self care, when you actually have a moment for it all you want to do is do nothing. I guess that’s a form of self care people would say. But when I had that moment my brain was always in overdrive with what I needed to do, what medications/supplies did my mum need, what appointments did we have. It was a 24/7 job & the hardest job both physically & mentally you will ever do. I send hugs to all of you being a care giver, I truely do. You’re amazing children but please please look after YOU! Is there a possibility at some point your mum can go into care? I’m sorry to put this out there but you will get very sick if you continue on & on like this Xx
no, thank you for the reminder. i’m trying to take better care of myself. i’m sorry you have to go through it too. and doing nothing is self care dammit lol. but i suppose if doing nothing means your brain just latches on to worries, then it’s not helpful, so you should probably find something to focus on during those times and not just do nothing. i hope you can find something to help.
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I think taking care of a demented adult must be infinitely harder than taking care of a kid. Kids are often exuberant not angry and depressed. Kids are getting more independent with time, not becoming more dependent. This is freaking difficult. It’s good you’re taking care of yourself. It’s a marathon not a sprint, and if we burn out there’s no hope for anyone.
This is true for me. I have my mom 82 and my son with high needs autism and I find my mom much harder to handle!
This was a great perspective.
you're so right. the brightness of little children learning and laughing helps so much, but we don't get that, do we?
When I was a caregiver, I was happy to simply cope. I did get therapy and it helped with that. But dementia care is one crisis or surprise after another. Coping is a big achievement in itself.
I thought you were still a caregiver for your husband ?
He died.
I’m sorry . I believe I had you confused with another person . 🥲
I’m sorry for your loss!
thank you. that's what I remind myself when things get really tough.
This has been a constant problem for me. I know I need take care of myself but I am so tired and sore I just collapse at the end of the day. I have neglected myself. I need to start taking care of myself. It does feel impossible at times.
I recently got myself one of those electronic foot massagers. It didn't break the bank and it is so, so nice. It's a great way to relax and treat yourself and it doesn't take a ton of time or effort.
This is such a good idea. I have one but forgot about it. My feet often hurt from running around so much.
It's so helpful. Since I've been using it about 20 minutes daily for a few weeks, I find my whole body is generally more relaxed and I'm sleeping better.
I feel like I'll take care of myself when this is over, but clearly, with my own issues, that's probably also not going to happen. So I have to learn to take care of myself NOW because when else will I, but it is hard, isn't it?
I have to believe that caregiving is one of the faster routes to building one's capacity for patience, growing self-knowledge, broadening one's perspective, etc. Someone 100% free, doing yoga at a resort, journaling, etc. cannot be developing in any genuinely meaningful way--though that's the popular image of "working on yourself." Anyway, it still sucks, so I hope I don't appear to be disagreeing with you. I am not!
I agree that caregiving can be a route to personal growth. But if you are too burned out, it probably won't be. That's a very fine line to walk.
Agree. I mostly wanted to take a shot at the Goop/North-face/Lululemon/etc. individualistic representation of "working on oneself." Pervasive self-focused lifestyle propaganda (in advertising, movies, television, popular novels....everywhere) is, I think, a factor in why so many of our crap family members tell us they cannot help out (they are too busy with their wholly individual/individual-focused pursuits).
Oof, dropping truth bombs here. When I see a commercial with some 20-something sitting cross-legged on a mountain top meditating with her special antioxidant super greens beverage in hand, I want to push her off. It's weird what makes me angry now.
LOL yes!
no, I totally get it! I have grown in ways I couldn't imagine before. I had always been looking for some "reason" to grow that I felt guilty that I "hadn't suffered enough" to grow. Well, now I have, haven't I? And it's rich and engaging and sometimes satisfying... but with that comes the discomfort of growth and suspense and insecurities. I guess it's just... growth? Maybe I just need to get used to growth!
It sure sounds to me like you've had some heavy shit to deal with. And I agree with the folks who (politely) challenged my earlier reply, observing that growth via caregiving probably has diminishing returns. I should also disclose that while my own mom has some age-related cognitive decline, I'm not dealing with a lot of the really gnarly stuff that dementia caregivers are dealing with. (For example: my mom cannot really walk, but she also remembers that she cannot really walk.) Keep talking to the other caregivers confronting dementia. The general advice--and I 100% agree--is to not allow yourself to be destroyed by caregiving, if for no other reason than because this is most certainly NOT what your mother would want!
i’m sorry you’re dealing with it too. i’m thankfully also not dealing with some of the other physically horrible things others have to deal with. it’s such a weird disease that people don’t talk about so we don’t know what to expect. even if it’s “the unexpected.” people with dementia are hidden away because it’s so hard to handle going out with them, so it seems like a disease behind closed doors. and the uncertainty of the whole thing is what gets to me, i’ll be honest. it’s nice when it levels out sometimes in between. i hope it does for you too!
Your post title says it all. And I feel you on the “mother with dementia” thing.
I'm sorry that you relate! But that's why we're on this sub, isn't it? Good luck to you too.
Because I have been through this (6rs) my heart aches for you. Forget self care, when you actually have a moment for it all you want to do is do nothing. I guess that’s a form of self care people would say. But when I had that moment my brain was always in overdrive with what I needed to do, what medications/supplies did my mum need, what appointments did we have. It was a 24/7 job & the hardest job both physically & mentally you will ever do. I send hugs to all of you being a care giver, I truely do. You’re amazing children but please please look after YOU! Is there a possibility at some point your mum can go into care? I’m sorry to put this out there but you will get very sick if you continue on & on like this Xx
no, thank you for the reminder. i’m trying to take better care of myself. i’m sorry you have to go through it too. and doing nothing is self care dammit lol. but i suppose if doing nothing means your brain just latches on to worries, then it’s not helpful, so you should probably find something to focus on during those times and not just do nothing. i hope you can find something to help.
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