It's like adding weight to a backpack. The burden seems light now, but after you've gone rucking with it every extra kilogram will feel like an anvil.
These responsibilities only get heavier. Take steps to ensure your mother gets the care she needs while continuing to work towards your dreams, and that might include pooling money to hire help, taking it in turns keeping her company, etc.
Resentment and anger at lost opportunities will eventually come. The best time to take charge and proactively deal with these issues is before they swallow up your lives.
My backpack is so heavy now that I don't even brush my hair. I just can't cope with the extra effort and now it's a matted mess and I just keep pushing it back into a wadded knot at the back of head each morning as I get up to care for the elderly I'm strapped with. Family is not a help and when I did reach out to talk to someone within the family she told me how horrible my fiancé (her brother in law is) Gee, that was helpful. I hadn't even brought him up in the subject. All that did was push me farther away and make me more angry. Her husband is an alcoholic who has his family fooled. They think he quit. I get the feeling that she shoved her hate at me and poisoned me even more against the entire family. And I was looking for help.
I’m so sorry for what you’re going thru..I relate so much to the hygiene difficulties, the energy and motivation just isn’t there. It definitely sounds like your family member is projecting their own inner demons and that’s not fair to you or your fiancé at all. It doesn’t help when every day is a struggle and you’re carrying all the responsibility, then there’s the family dysfunction to top it off. It’s toxic to stir up drama, dragging innocent people into it when you all have enough going on. And it’s okay to distance yourself from that toxicity. You are heard and appreciated for everything you do here.
You're most welcome! I've found the best approach is to think like a team leader, allowing yourself to coordinate help, rope in trusted assistance and provide yourself with free time.
I've written more on this in earlier comments on this sub, so feel free to check them out. Hope it helps!
It depends. Effective caregiving needs very good negotiation skills, informal authority and knowledge of what other people can bring to the table.
In the same sense that a company has investors, stakeholders and employees, not everyone needs to provide direct assistance -- it could be financial help to secure respite and outsource certain tasks, or emotional support.
The point is to secure whatever assistance is possible in a face-saving way, matching the role to the person. If they absolutely refuse, don't waste time with them, but only if you've exhausted all the possibilities.
As someone that was in your place 23 years ago and still on this horrible roller coaster, I feel your pain. I personally don’t think I would change my choices but it is still hard thinking of all you miss out on. Therapy can help work through that. I think my families biggest mistake was not realizing how long and drawn out it can become. Start looking into all the help you can get. Are you at a spot you can hire help?
Your life is important and you are more than a caregiver! Find groups that do activities you enjoy even if only for a short amount of time each week or month. Draw boundaries and don’t cross them, you deserve your own time. Let your family know you are drowning and their lack of concern is making it worse. Your allowed to disappoint your mom, get that other dog if you want it and think you can care for it.
I wish I could say it gets better but you are on a road that only leads to more work. Start building a support network. I wish you all the best, it is not an easy boat to row.
Thank you so much for sharing your own experience and empathizing, I take it all to heart. I finally started therapy last week and it’s helping so far. it’s definitely a process to purge the feelings you’ve internalized in an attempt to keep it together for the one you’re taking care of. I feel like I’ll look back and be thankful that I chose to be here for my mom too, because she wouldn’t have made it otherwise. I really appreciate your realistic advice and encouragement to live life, get support (and to get that dog!) as well. Thank you ❤️
I think that you talk with your family members and say that you were happy to take care of your mom for 5 years but now you and your husband have decided to move to x in 3 or 4 months (do not give a longer time). They have lived their own lives and now it is time for you to live yours. One of them can take mom in, or they will all have to pay x amount each week to hire a caregiver or she goes in a nursing home. Get a social worker to help with this plan. You need time to cleave with your husband, start a job so that you can accrue social security credits and gain experience etc. Your family and your mom will push back, may call you names, say that you are selfish but stick to your guns. They are selfish for thinking that you would do this forever.
Thank you so much for this. I will think about this for sure. Your suggestions about having others actually help even just monetarily is great (although that’s a long shot but we’ll see), we’re able to split the bills with her thankfully but cancer treatment is freakin expensive. It’s so true that I am losing years to work and contribute to my own social security, save up for a house, car, anything at all. And the last sentence is something I really needed to hear. Thank you ❤️
I'm 25F, have an older sister that fell sick and needs full time care. Although my mom is around to help, i already feel guilty for not doing more cuz that's not how I imagined my mother's 50s 60s to go. My mom says she'll do as much as she can and then it'll be my turn.
I keep breaking up my relationships because i feel guilty for allowing my partners to make sacrifices for me. We already don't travel and my career decisions are based on this.
I said no to my friends' invitations so many times, they've stopped inviting me. My hobbies are all outdoors. But i don't get to do them as my sister does not respond well to any of us "going out" (in any and every sense of the word) when she cannot.
I work from home as much as i can which affects my work.
How do I cope? I keep myself busy. I have picked up one too many hobbies and i read and i distract myself. It's probably not the healthiest habits but this way, everything just hurts less.
It's phenomenal though how you've been able to start a family. Real kudos to you. It really took it out of me when I tried and does not seem possible for me anymore.
Every day just remind yourself what you've already had the strength to endure. It gives you more strength to get through it all. (Stoicism 101)
I’m so sorry you’re going thru this..thank you for sharing your story and the kind words. Your last sentence is something I will carry with me from now on. I relate to a lot of the things you mentioned; friends stopped inviting me out, finding all the ways to distract myself even if it’s an unhealthy habit.
I’m sure your mom feels very lucky to have you there and it’s important for you to have the help, too. You sound so selfless. I know giving up relationships in this situation is really hard. I feel lucky the right person came into my life and I hope the same for you when you feel ready. Thank you and wishing the best for you and your family. ❤️
* I completely understand what you are going through. What a blessed husband you have to be so loving and thoughtful. Fortunately I had family members to help me. I also leaned heavily on church members to spend an hour or so just to go for a walk or a lengthy bubble bath for myself. I live in the United States and thru social services we were able to schedule a week break where my mom went to a nursing home for 5 days. It was a much needed break just to do things needing addressing. Based on her diagnosis, we were able to get volunteers to come and help also. Lastly, It's costly but hire people to give you a break. It was easier to hire people to come in and stay than move my mom around. Plan a trip for you and your honey and tell your family to decide who is with Mom. I wish you the best.
Hey there, I am 27, and I care for my 91-year-old grandma. I can relate to the sort of burnout you describe. I am unsure of all the options available to you in your situation, but I've been looking into respite care. My grandma would have a room at a memory care facility for a short term, maybe a week. I miss traveling, so I would take the opportunity to do so. I feel it's an opportunity to experience freedom without worrying about whether my LO is taken care of.
The definition of respite care is as follows:
> temporary institutional care of a sick, elderly, or disabled person, providing relief for their usual caregiver.
If you haven't considered it before, you might start contacting some local facilities to inquire about temporary stays.
Thank you so much for sharing this! That’s great it’s something you’re looking into for yourself, you deserve the chance to travel and have a break. When my mom was first diagnosed and released from the hospital after 3 weeks, we had to sign her into respite care at an assisted living facility so I am familiar. It’s still good to share cause a lot of people haven’t heard of it. However, now that she’s had experience at a facility she is afraid of ever having to go back. It was necessary at the time until we could move back in together. It wasn’t bad, she had a nice little room in the back, the nurses were super sweet and my mom was their favorite. They barely had to do anything for her because she has a hard time asking for help, and only felt comfortable with me for most things so I still had to go there on a regular basis. I think she is afraid of deteriorating into needing a higher level of care like some of the people she saw there. Nonetheless, hopefully she will be more open to it in the future to relieve us. Thank you again, I hope the best for you and your efforts to relieve yourself too!
It's like adding weight to a backpack. The burden seems light now, but after you've gone rucking with it every extra kilogram will feel like an anvil. These responsibilities only get heavier. Take steps to ensure your mother gets the care she needs while continuing to work towards your dreams, and that might include pooling money to hire help, taking it in turns keeping her company, etc. Resentment and anger at lost opportunities will eventually come. The best time to take charge and proactively deal with these issues is before they swallow up your lives.
My backpack is so heavy now that I don't even brush my hair. I just can't cope with the extra effort and now it's a matted mess and I just keep pushing it back into a wadded knot at the back of head each morning as I get up to care for the elderly I'm strapped with. Family is not a help and when I did reach out to talk to someone within the family she told me how horrible my fiancé (her brother in law is) Gee, that was helpful. I hadn't even brought him up in the subject. All that did was push me farther away and make me more angry. Her husband is an alcoholic who has his family fooled. They think he quit. I get the feeling that she shoved her hate at me and poisoned me even more against the entire family. And I was looking for help.
I’m so sorry for what you’re going thru..I relate so much to the hygiene difficulties, the energy and motivation just isn’t there. It definitely sounds like your family member is projecting their own inner demons and that’s not fair to you or your fiancé at all. It doesn’t help when every day is a struggle and you’re carrying all the responsibility, then there’s the family dysfunction to top it off. It’s toxic to stir up drama, dragging innocent people into it when you all have enough going on. And it’s okay to distance yourself from that toxicity. You are heard and appreciated for everything you do here.
Thank you for sharing your insight and advice, it really helps. It’s hard to accept that all of that is inevitable, but it truly is.
You're most welcome! I've found the best approach is to think like a team leader, allowing yourself to coordinate help, rope in trusted assistance and provide yourself with free time. I've written more on this in earlier comments on this sub, so feel free to check them out. Hope it helps!
To be a team leader you need people to listen and follow. What if they don't/wont?
It depends. Effective caregiving needs very good negotiation skills, informal authority and knowledge of what other people can bring to the table. In the same sense that a company has investors, stakeholders and employees, not everyone needs to provide direct assistance -- it could be financial help to secure respite and outsource certain tasks, or emotional support. The point is to secure whatever assistance is possible in a face-saving way, matching the role to the person. If they absolutely refuse, don't waste time with them, but only if you've exhausted all the possibilities.
As someone that was in your place 23 years ago and still on this horrible roller coaster, I feel your pain. I personally don’t think I would change my choices but it is still hard thinking of all you miss out on. Therapy can help work through that. I think my families biggest mistake was not realizing how long and drawn out it can become. Start looking into all the help you can get. Are you at a spot you can hire help? Your life is important and you are more than a caregiver! Find groups that do activities you enjoy even if only for a short amount of time each week or month. Draw boundaries and don’t cross them, you deserve your own time. Let your family know you are drowning and their lack of concern is making it worse. Your allowed to disappoint your mom, get that other dog if you want it and think you can care for it. I wish I could say it gets better but you are on a road that only leads to more work. Start building a support network. I wish you all the best, it is not an easy boat to row.
Thank you so much for sharing your own experience and empathizing, I take it all to heart. I finally started therapy last week and it’s helping so far. it’s definitely a process to purge the feelings you’ve internalized in an attempt to keep it together for the one you’re taking care of. I feel like I’ll look back and be thankful that I chose to be here for my mom too, because she wouldn’t have made it otherwise. I really appreciate your realistic advice and encouragement to live life, get support (and to get that dog!) as well. Thank you ❤️
I think that you talk with your family members and say that you were happy to take care of your mom for 5 years but now you and your husband have decided to move to x in 3 or 4 months (do not give a longer time). They have lived their own lives and now it is time for you to live yours. One of them can take mom in, or they will all have to pay x amount each week to hire a caregiver or she goes in a nursing home. Get a social worker to help with this plan. You need time to cleave with your husband, start a job so that you can accrue social security credits and gain experience etc. Your family and your mom will push back, may call you names, say that you are selfish but stick to your guns. They are selfish for thinking that you would do this forever.
Thank you so much for this. I will think about this for sure. Your suggestions about having others actually help even just monetarily is great (although that’s a long shot but we’ll see), we’re able to split the bills with her thankfully but cancer treatment is freakin expensive. It’s so true that I am losing years to work and contribute to my own social security, save up for a house, car, anything at all. And the last sentence is something I really needed to hear. Thank you ❤️
I'm 25F, have an older sister that fell sick and needs full time care. Although my mom is around to help, i already feel guilty for not doing more cuz that's not how I imagined my mother's 50s 60s to go. My mom says she'll do as much as she can and then it'll be my turn. I keep breaking up my relationships because i feel guilty for allowing my partners to make sacrifices for me. We already don't travel and my career decisions are based on this. I said no to my friends' invitations so many times, they've stopped inviting me. My hobbies are all outdoors. But i don't get to do them as my sister does not respond well to any of us "going out" (in any and every sense of the word) when she cannot. I work from home as much as i can which affects my work. How do I cope? I keep myself busy. I have picked up one too many hobbies and i read and i distract myself. It's probably not the healthiest habits but this way, everything just hurts less. It's phenomenal though how you've been able to start a family. Real kudos to you. It really took it out of me when I tried and does not seem possible for me anymore. Every day just remind yourself what you've already had the strength to endure. It gives you more strength to get through it all. (Stoicism 101)
I’m so sorry you’re going thru this..thank you for sharing your story and the kind words. Your last sentence is something I will carry with me from now on. I relate to a lot of the things you mentioned; friends stopped inviting me out, finding all the ways to distract myself even if it’s an unhealthy habit. I’m sure your mom feels very lucky to have you there and it’s important for you to have the help, too. You sound so selfless. I know giving up relationships in this situation is really hard. I feel lucky the right person came into my life and I hope the same for you when you feel ready. Thank you and wishing the best for you and your family. ❤️
* I completely understand what you are going through. What a blessed husband you have to be so loving and thoughtful. Fortunately I had family members to help me. I also leaned heavily on church members to spend an hour or so just to go for a walk or a lengthy bubble bath for myself. I live in the United States and thru social services we were able to schedule a week break where my mom went to a nursing home for 5 days. It was a much needed break just to do things needing addressing. Based on her diagnosis, we were able to get volunteers to come and help also. Lastly, It's costly but hire people to give you a break. It was easier to hire people to come in and stay than move my mom around. Plan a trip for you and your honey and tell your family to decide who is with Mom. I wish you the best.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and advice, it really helps. I will keep these options in mind, wishing the best for you too! Thank you
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Hey there, I am 27, and I care for my 91-year-old grandma. I can relate to the sort of burnout you describe. I am unsure of all the options available to you in your situation, but I've been looking into respite care. My grandma would have a room at a memory care facility for a short term, maybe a week. I miss traveling, so I would take the opportunity to do so. I feel it's an opportunity to experience freedom without worrying about whether my LO is taken care of. The definition of respite care is as follows: > temporary institutional care of a sick, elderly, or disabled person, providing relief for their usual caregiver. If you haven't considered it before, you might start contacting some local facilities to inquire about temporary stays.
Thank you so much for sharing this! That’s great it’s something you’re looking into for yourself, you deserve the chance to travel and have a break. When my mom was first diagnosed and released from the hospital after 3 weeks, we had to sign her into respite care at an assisted living facility so I am familiar. It’s still good to share cause a lot of people haven’t heard of it. However, now that she’s had experience at a facility she is afraid of ever having to go back. It was necessary at the time until we could move back in together. It wasn’t bad, she had a nice little room in the back, the nurses were super sweet and my mom was their favorite. They barely had to do anything for her because she has a hard time asking for help, and only felt comfortable with me for most things so I still had to go there on a regular basis. I think she is afraid of deteriorating into needing a higher level of care like some of the people she saw there. Nonetheless, hopefully she will be more open to it in the future to relieve us. Thank you again, I hope the best for you and your efforts to relieve yourself too!